A few weeks ago a random conversation with my nephew threw my world into a tailspin. It was an innocent conversation and the question he asked of me was so mundane that even I am surprised that it caused me so much angst and introspective evaluation. Yet, it did. What was the question? What are your dreams.
The Dream Question
The question came out of the blue. I was driving along with my nephew and we were having a conversation about jobs and the tough job market. Not too surprising as I am currently unemployed. Nothing was out of the ordinary. The question was perfectly natural in the serious conversation. It was a absolutely mundane when my nephew e turned to me to say, "Well MaryFran, what is your dream. What do you want to do in life." (I can hear the influence of my brother in that question for sure!)
I stopped dead. I was a deer in the headlights. I flippantly responded "I want to win the lottery and be independently wealthy." But in that moment, I knew I had not answered the question from inside me but had responded with a joke answer in an order to deflect. (Although who wouldn't want to win the lottery and be rich.) My nephew laughed at my jokingly made comment but didn't let it drop and said "No really....."
I had nothing to give him. No Hopes. No Dreams. Finally I uttered the words "I don't have any, I guess. I used to have dreams, but I guess I don't anymore." His response was quick and succinct. "That's just sad."
The Words Resonated
My nephew and I continued to have a good time that day, chatting and talking like normal. But his words resonated within me. That's just sad. His words stayed with me for days. The phrase That's just sad rolled over me while I was in the shower. Those three words, That's just sad beat in my head, keeping time day in and day out. I couldn't stop the words from resonating. That's just sad. That's just sad. That's just sad.
I can't fault my nephew for saying those words to me. He was right. It is sad. Furthermore, I know what happened to my dreams. I was once full of dreams for the future. I had hopes and dreams a plenty. When I was really young I had this dream of being a concert pianist. Yes, I took piano lessons for years and yes, the dream could have been because of a series of books that I read. (The Elizabeth Gail series by Hilda Stahl in case you are interested.) Either the books didn't make it clear or I overlooked the need for hours and hours of practice to become an amazing piano player. And thus that dream went up in smoke as so many childhood dreams do. But I'm not talking about those random childhood dreams. (Although I did have them) I'm talking about the dreams that pervade your soul. The things that is just a given because it is intrinsically part of who you are.
My mom once said to me, "Your dad and I always knew two things about you. We knew that teaching and motherhood was in your soul." They were right. From a young age that was my most common and frequent playtime. I had a family of children that I attended to with loving care. I taught school to my dolls. It was what I talked about most. Sure I played other things. I was especially proficient at protecting my neighborhood by patrolling it on my bicycle, most likely traumatizing the elderly neighbors with my siren that was attached to my bike. It was the time of the TV show C.H.I.P.S and I will readily admit that I pretended I was Ponch and/or John (I can't remember which.) But I never had any dreams or hopes of being a motorcycle cop. Likewise, I played with matchbox cars with my brother and I never had any dreams of being a mechanic or a race car drive (although now that I think about it, I think I could be a wicked awesome race car driver). No, those were just random play. The family of dolls and the education they received segued into my dream. I was bold and I followed my heart and my dreams.
However, the teaching dream ended in disaster and huge heartache. It ended with a lot of stress. It ended with me suffering from physical ailments...most caused by stress and not PTSD. Ailments that are still induced and evident even to the day that I am writing this 25 years later. Luckily it takes longer for those ailments to appear and they are much reduced....but they are here. I can feel my throat closing even as I type and I am struggling to get a breathe..... if you want to read about that situation, read it here.
While I was dating my first husband, I had made it clear that I wanted to have kids. I couldn't have been more clear in my desires. He was on board with the idea and we moved ahead with our plans for 'forever'. We never had kids. When the conversation came up, he was never ready. His response was always, "Lets wait another year or two" or "Not yet, let me get such and such done first." Always a plea or an excuse to wait. It wasn't until the bitter end of our marriage that he admitted that he never wanted kids and that he had lied because he knew that I would not have married him had I known he didn't want kids. (Not the only REALLY important thing he lied about in order to get me to marry him, but that's a different story.) My largest and most intense dream in life went up in smoke. By the time I left that marriage I was in my 40's, financially strapped and single. Time and opportunity had passed me by. 
The loss of those two huge dreams gutted me. They were the dreams that shaped the complete direction of my life and without them they left a huge. I didn't have dreams anymore. If I did somehow conjure up a dream, It was quickly pushed down, because dreams hurt.
That's just sad.
I have known about this void of dreams for a while. I actually alluded to the loss and the associated heartbreak on my 40th birthday post. (how can that be 12 years ago). I have felt powerless though. It's not like you can go to the store and just buy a dream from the shelf? But this time, with my nephews words resonating over and over within me, I determined that I was going to figure it out.
For days I pondered and thought about it. At first nothing was coming to mind. I was dreamless. It was a big void. I was just putting one foot in front of the other day in and day out....exactly as I have been doing for a long time. But I was determined to change that trajectory. I finally had the bright idea to stop thinking about dreams, but to start focusing on things that I enjoy doing. Even that was difficult. But slowly over time some ideas began to take shape in my mind.
Finding My Dreams
With the words "that's just sad" reverberating through my head I set about trying to come up with dreams and hopes. But seriously, where to they come from? I started to think not just about dreams, but about things I enjoy doing. Once I started thinking in terms of what I enjoy, the first
thing came to my mind rather quickly.
I do love to read. That has also always been a given. But I"m not not sure that's a dream. But I filed away that little tidbit for the future.
The second thing came to me rather quickly too. I love to travel. There is nothing that makes me happier than going out and exploring, be it an abandoned site, a park or a museum. Multiple day trips are obviously my favorite, but even day trips are awesome! I love to travel and explore. As I thought about this love, I realized that I did in fact have a dream lurking around in the back of my mind. I most definitely dream of a life of travel and this dream had been around for quite some time. In fact, I had made a travel YouTube channel ages ago and had a corresponding website for it sitting shelved and unused. Why did I stop? Fear of having this dream go up in smoke I reckon.
As I was realizing my interest in reading and a passion and yes even a dream for travel I also came to a startling discovery. My YouTube channel does not bring me great happiness. It had become a chore to create videos and post. (That could be because I was posting a LOT....in December I did one video per day and January through March I was posting at least 5 times a week....that's a lot of videos!) It wasn't making me happy. (The friendships I have made there do bring me happiness...but creating the videos...not as much....I end up more dissatisfied at the results than anything.) I immediately stopped posting so frequently. (I really need to turn this post into a video to explain to my followers and friends there what has happened.) At the same time I realized that writing on this blog has always brought me happiness. Even though some of my posts over the years have been rather lame! Yay, that means i found another thing that I enjoy. I enjoy writing. I have always enjoyed writing. I have dabbled with writing for years. It is just plain fun. I get a giddy rush of happiness when I reread something I've actually taken the time to write. (Not the slapdash posts...but the well thought out posts such as this one.) Writing....
As I was typing that last paragraph I felt called to add another one to my list. I do enjoy photography. It was a complete passion of mine for quite a few years. I stepped away from it for a while. I know that this is going to sound hokey and weird, but I carried around my camera for the last few years of my first marriage. I made it through that rough time because of my camera and the fact that it forced me to see the beauty and light in a world that was very dark and ugly for me. For a few years after I divorced I would pick up one of my cameras and I could almost feel the despair and depression seeping from the camera and back into me. It was really odd. It was almost as if I had poured my sadness from those years into the camera and the camera was trying to pour that sadness back into me. I know...weird. But it was a real feeling and it happened almost every time I picked up my camera. Ultimately it caused me to set my camera gear aside and turn from photography, or rather anything more than photography on my cell phone. Just last fall I decided to step back into it. The camera slowly lost those negative feelings, (I think). and I felt ready again. That is why I started the 365 picture project. That was myself giving me the opportunity to step back into photography more seriously. (Admittedly, I have been slow to dive in though.)
It may not seem like a lot, but discovering these four things is huge. It's also a step in the right direction. These four things didn't just come to me overnight. These ideas took weeks of soul searching to discover. Weeks of my nephews words reverberating through my head. It has been a soul searching mission, one that is still ongoing.
What Comes Next
So what comes next. I have discovered a few things that could be perceived as dreams. I have conjured up some ideas and definitive ideas on what I like and enjoy. So what do I plan on doing with them? I would love to say that I was selling it all and going to travel in an RV and see the world. But life right now does not allow that. Life right now doesn't allow for much other than searching for a job and trying to save money. But that's ok....I have a dream and that is what matters.
Right now I am focusing on turning my attention to what I enjoy. Obviously reading, which I have never stopped doing. Writing more, which if you look at the amount of blog posts for this year, you can see that I had already started to increase my writing. Travel. I pondered long and hard about this. I thought about trying to do something with my mostly abandoned Youtube channel, but I honestly just don't have it in me. It's not where my heart is. Instead, I dusted off the website and I have been posting on there. Past trips have been reworked (and in some cases resarched as my memories were fuzzy about some facts). I have even gone on missions to find new things to explore, even if I can only do it via the internet at this time. I am writing strictly for me and my enjoyment and posting it on that defunct unused and dusty blog visitplayexplore.com. I 'travel' this way simply because it's what my life allows right now. !For how long...who knows...but right now, it is what my soul needs. And what matters is that I'm having a blast doing it. Seriously, I started looking for the quirkiest attractions in Maryland and came up with a Bird Calls Phone....yes....a pay phone where you can call a bird! I had so much fun with that, I looked up quirky in Virginia! Weirdly enough, (or maybe not if you know me) I have been to some of the quirky places. I have actually seen the shattered bones of the Civil War Generals leg! I have also been to the graveside of the ARM of the Civil war General Stonewall Jackson. Yes, the arm! His body is buried elsewhere. Quirky! Virginia also has a house made from tombstones and an edible hame. I am not making this stuff up! It's crazy....and fascinating! Hmmmm, what state is next on my quest for quirky?
So you can see, I am refocusing on what makes me happy and brings me joy. Somewhere along the way I lost me. I'm rediscovering myself again It might not be a dream....but if it makes me happy that's all that matters. And who knows,two things might happen. Maybe one day my dream of traveling full time will become a reality and secondly maybe more dreams will emerge from my shattered heart.
