Holiday Madness

 I can't believe that it is December first already.   Where is this year going?  It's insane to think that we have already passed not only Halloween but also Thanksgiving, meaning that we are fully in the Christmas season. Inconceivable!  

I would love to say that I got right back on the bandwagon after our vacation and lost the vacation weight and kept losing.    But that is not the case.   I posted a two pound gain the first day back after vacation but it actually settled on about a 4-5 pound gain.   I struggled to get back into the routine.  I was never really 'off'.  Meaning I never ate horribly.  But I never ate to lose.   So basically I nailed the maintain thing...

I had a normal week back at work and then Thanksgiving week hit.  Yup.  Right on the heels of vacation, before I got my mojo back I got hit with Thanksgiving.  I don't think I did too badly for the holiday meal.  I did eat two rolls (Delish) and two pieces of pie (Again delish).   And I was not overly hungry for dinner so I had a piece of garlic bread and another piece of pie.  

I got back to normal on Friday.....as normal as normal can be.  Back to work.  Back to the same eating habits that have me maintaining....but not losing.

Once again, not vowing for greatness....but I have to make small changes to fix this.  Nothing drastic....small changes, one at a time.   Because the worst part of this is that I KNOW that I am losing my mobility due to my excess weight.  I know that I am on a trajectory that is NOT good.  And yes it scares the living daylights out of me.  It depresses me.  It humbles me.  It terrifies me.  Yet this addiction to food overwhelms me and seemingly takes away any self control that I have.   And yes, notice I did say SEEMINGLY  I know that I have complete control and that it's my will power that needs to kick into high gear to overcome the addiction.  But anyone with an addiction will tell you.......that's easier said than done.   Just ask the smoker that is dying of lung cancer yet still smokes like a chimney!

 

But I can do this.......... 

 

 

Time to Make the Donuts

 Do you remember that old commercial, I think it was Dunkin' Donuts?  The one where the actor was dragging themselves to work and saying "Time to make the donuts"?   Yup, that's me today, dragging myself out of bed and to work because vacation is over.  BOOOO!

As I had said previously,  we were off work for a week but we were not going anywhere.  We were having a staycation and had a few places and things in mind for some day trips.  

We went to Little Buffalo State Park.  It was a decent little park.  It's in the middle of nowhere (quite literally).   It had some historical sites to visit (none of the buildings were open because it was not in season) and some short hiking trails. They allow boating and fishing in the lake and they have a pool for use in the summer.  If I lived close it would be a nice place to hang out in the summer. I am glad we went, but I probably won't go back simply because it was an hour or more drive for us....and since we didn't fish or anything, we probably spent less time at the park then it took us to drive back and forth to it.  But it was a neat place to visit!

We also went to Gettysburg for a day and hit up a new museum that opened in the last few years.  It is called Beyond the Battle and is run by the counties historical society.  It talks about the history of Gettysburg before and after the battle.  It also does include the battle because that is a huge part of Gettysburg history.   We were intrigued with the room that they have set up that you can go in and experience in a controlled manner what it must have felt like to be in a house during the battle with cannon blasts shaking the house, bullets flying around and going through the house.  It was sobering.   I took no pictures at that museum...simply because I forgot!    

We also hit up the Jennie Wade House.  Jennie Wade was the only Civilian killed during the battle and the house where she was killed is a museum.  I had visited this years ago, Jason had never visited.  So it seemed a perfect place to visit.  It was a great tour because we were literally the only people so we had a private tour with the tour guide.  That is always nice!

 We went to Frederick for a day.  We walked through some of our old haunts and favorite stores.  We also walked around downtown.  One day we actually went to the Aviation Museum in Hagerstown.  It's one of those things that it's in your own backyard so you kind of forget about visiting it.  But I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised.  It was well done and they have a nice collection of artifacts depicting the history of aviation in Hagerstown (Fairchild).  

We did some other minor things and spent some time working on tasks around the house (the gutters are nice and cleaned out now.........etc)

But alas, the time is over and it's not time to get back to normal.   

SO how did I do with my weight?  Not great!   There were desserts such as edible cookie dough, ice cream, cakes and cookies.   There were lots of dinners out.  There was nothing tracked!   But I usually ate a breakfast/brunch at home and then the dinner out.   So my eating was more limited and I wasn't eating all day long.    I drank next to NO water and drank pop all week long!  Not good!   As I said my weigh in this morning wasn't all that great.  But in reality it wasn't all that bad either!   I gained 2 pounds.   Yes, any gain is not good, but lets be honest.  I have gone on vacation before and gained 10 pounds in a week.  So 2 pounds?   I will take it!!!! (I delayed the weigh in until my first day back to work, when vacation was officially over) 

Meanwhile, I have my water jug/tumbler/container ready to go with me to work.  My lunch is packed.  I have my day planned out.  I've already been for a walk with the dog AND I have already exercised for 25 minutes! I gained two pounds and that's bad enough but I accept it because it WAS vacation, but darned if I am going to allow more to come on now that vacation is over!

Tenuous Hold

 I should have realized that the 'sadness' that has been prevalent in my life for the last few years was going to return.  I honestly can look back and see that there were signs of the impending doom.  However, it came as a total surprise because it hit during a time when I should be feeling hunky dory for a variety of reasons.

Lets talk about the good first. I had my weekly weigh in yesterday morning.   I was down on the scales.  I was down by another  3 pounds.  That means that in the last three weeks I have dropped 4.2 pounds. Yay me!!!!

 

The end of work last night also signified the beginning of vacation.  I normally don't talk about vacation until it's over because I don't like to announce the fact that my house will be empty while we are away. But this is a staycation with day trips and activities planned for each day, so my house will not be empty and even the day trips will have us departing and arriving home at random hours.  So yeah....vacation has arrived.  Hip Hip Hurray!

So why did I find myself standing in the middle of the kitchen last night a few minutes after arriving home from work crying my eyes out?   Well the official reason  was that I forgot the potato chips! Yes, potato chips.   I had to work until 6:15 and decided that the kitchen was closed for dinner.  so when I left work I dropped an online order for dinner.  Subs.....turkey for me.  Everything went well, I stopped to pick them up and grabbed myself a drink and then went home.  I was taking everything out of the bag when I realized that I had forgotten to grab potato chips.  Queue the tears.   

The potato chips were just the icing on the cake.   It's been a rough week for me.  I've made it no secret that I have struggled with my emotions in the last months and years.  As I sit here and type I think about some of those visits to mom in the last year or so of her life.  There were times where mom just looked at me and knew I wasn't OK.  I tried so hard to hold it together when I was with her, but I would just sit and cry.  Mom was safety....comfort.....love.    I feel like for years I was holding on by the skin of my teeth...even before mom died.....and after her death it was just even worse.    I vowed that the new job would be my new start and I've honestly been doing really good since starting my new job.   

I was confident that I had turned the corner.  I've been sleeping good and honestly just have felt so much lighter emotionally.  This past week the sleepless nights returned.  I honestly thought it was the time change wreaking havoc on my sleep.   I even thought at first that the tears last night over the missing potato chips was due to sleep deprivation, I have always been one that cries when I'm super tired.  (Although I don't feel super tired, I knew that my sleep wasn't that great.)  But as I laid in bed last night at midnight (and 1AM...and 2 AM....etc) I recognized that my issue wasn't a general issue with being on the old time zone because my mind was RACING!  I was so tired and wanted to sleep, but I couldn't turn my mind off.  And that is when I knew that the tenuous hold I had on my peace had slipped.

Breathe in.  Breathe out.  

  I can't change some things.  I can't bring my my mom back.  I can't erase the period of unemployment.  I can't change most of what causes that heaviness of my soul resulting in my mind racing.  But I CAN focus on the good in my life.  I can remind myself that it could be oh so much worse.  I can focus on the beauty in life.  

So moving forward that is exactly what I will be doing.  Focusing on the beauty of life and focusing on changing that which CAN be changed.    We have plans for our week off and maybe it was my subconscious reminding me to look for the beauty in our world but these last few days I kept thinking and saying to myself "MaryFran, get your camera out and the batteries charged so that you can take your good cameras......dive into photography during your time off".   Photography saved me once before....it forced me to not look at the negative and sadness and instead focus on the beauty in the world.  So this vacation may be a lot about photography amidst our travels.    As for the change.  Yes, I have lost 4.2 pounds in three weeks, but it should be more (especially at my current weight)......my healthy endeavors is something that I can change.  I may not be able to change what the scales say (because those things are fickle!) but I CAN change my efforts!

  

 

 

Rock Bottom

 I was out walking the dog yesterday morning.  Jason had a bad headache so I was out by myself and therefore had music playing.   As I neared the end of my walk a song by Jelly Roll.  ‘Wining Streak’  the song is actually about an addict that is at rock bottom and takes those steps to change the course.

The song has been on the radio for however long and I was familiar with the song…enough to sing and hum along.  But it wasn’t until I was on my walk that I really started to pay attention to the lyrics….what made me stand up and take notice was the line about being at the end of the rope.   As the song played in the crisp fall temps while I walked I thought about rock bottom.   I am I rock bottom?   I sure as hell hope so.  I don’t want my weight to spiral further.  I don’t want my fitness levels to get any worse.  But as I walked I realized that rock bottom doesn’t hit until the change starts and the climb out of the pit begins.  I am hopefully at rock bottom….and it’s time to rebuild.   

Even as I made this revelation in my mind the song continued to play.   My mind picked up the chorus.  I listened and really thought about it.  It talks about the shame…. (Yes yes yes, I am so ashamed to be at this weight…again!). But it talks about how  someone who had been in his shoes before (and was 20 years clean)  said that everyone here has felt the same because no one comes to this place on a winning streak.

It just made me realize that shame shouldn’t have any place in my mind……

We got up an antique store this weekend…..of course I got a picture of me in an antique hat!   One of Jason too!

Wash Rinse Repeat

 We all know, that consistency is the key to success.   Wash Rinse Repeat....over and over and over again until you reach your goals.  But what about the wrong kind of consistency?   Wash Rinse and Repeat can also be extremely harmful because consistency with something that is not beneficial can and will create problems.

That is exactly what I faced this past week.   I didn't set any clear cut plan and instead went to follow my loosey goosey plan to get things under control. I still hold firm with my loosey goosey plan to reduce calories but not to start fanatical about it.  It should have gone swimmingly well. However it didn't and I honestly consider myself incredibly lucky to have even pulled out the maintain on the scales.    So what did I do?  I messed up my lunches, in terms of calories.

 So what has typically worked for me is for me to plan on one full meal a day.  This is the meal that I cook for us.  (This week we had lasagna, chicken sandwiches, fish and chips (well I had leftovers that night since I don't eat fish), and pesto chicken.  Nothing out of the ordinary....but full meals...including veggies and whatnot.)  For the other meals in each day what I have found that works for me is to eat a lighter meal....honestly more snacky than anything else.  (Lots of fruits and veggies, cheese, etc)  This has ALWAYS worked for me.  It is just how I have found a way to manage my calories (or points when I was WW).   That works for me on a typical day (I will eat more for lunch if we are hiking or biking or doing something really active).  

This week I defaulted to what I WANTED to eat for lunch instead of what I knew was healthy for me.  I ate leftovers every day.....normal sized servings of leftovers!   I didn't follow the routine that has typically always worked for me and I did it  day in and day out. Yet I expect changes to occur.  Changes can't occur if I am not being the change. 

So yeah, I did a wash rinse repeat of old habits this week......and I consider myself lucky to have escaped the week with a maintain!  

 Halloween was fun.  Zoey of course looked smashing in her costume!

 

And of course I rocked out my costume.....I was a domino.  Actually all of my coworkers were dominos....but here I am as a domino! 

Happy Halloween

 Halloween has come up on fast!   I have a costume for my dog….but failed to actually put it on her!   My goal is after work tonight!   If not, well I will have her costume for next year!!! 

Halloween also marked a weigh in day for me.  I maintained.  A maintain is better than a loss. But it’s not what I wanted or needed or SHOULD be seeing at this juncture!   

I know what I have done.  I switched up my lunches…..and they are a higher calorie lunch.   Nutritious but higher calorie.  So I know what I did ‘wrong’.   And I’m ok with that.   I’m just playing with my routines to see what my body likes at my current age.  Lesson learned!

Now off to celebrate Halloween with my work peeps….we will all be decked out in similar costumes and have a potluck planned (we are doing a taco bar).  

The Scale and their hold over me

  

 Queue the dark ominous music to play when I say "the scales".  Because that is what I is playing in my head when I think about the scales and weighing myself.   

A few posts ago I decided that I was going to weigh myself once a week.  I am typically someone that weighs daily.  Ok, at least when I am doing well with my healthy lifestyle, when I'm back sliding I tend to 'forget' to weigh myself.  I like daily weigh ins but the scales have not been moving consistently and they have become more of a disappointment to me.  So to combat that disappointment I decided to weigh once a week.  Good idea right?   

I did great with not weighing at first.  I didn't miss it and I looked forward to seeing what the scales would say on my weekly weigh in.  But this week the scale boogeyman has reared his ugly head.  I find myself thinking about my weight.  I find myself pondering my progress.  I find myself panicked over a lack of progress.  At times it's almost seems like I am obsessing about it.  Whatever it is, it's not cool.

I don't want to be ruled by the scales.  I want to lose weight for sure, but I want to be 'normal'.  I don't want to live and die by the number on the scales.  I don't want to obsess.  I don't want to panic about what they may or may not say.  

The problem is that I have had a LONG time.....so many years....of living and breathing the scales and what the scales tell me.   It's ingrained within me.  It's part of who I am.  But this time I am making my 'get healthy mission' one of improving MaryFran with not just my weight but also my mental approach to live, my physical body, my emotions...the whole kit and kaboodle.  And that means that I need to get a grip on this scale obsession. 

Weighing daily is not a bad thing (once a day...not multiple times...thank heavens I don't do that!).  Weighing weekly is not a bad thing.  Weighing monthly...or never at all is not a bad thing.  What is a bad thins is the obsession, the panic and the fear.  What is bad is living my life and making my decisions daily on what the scales say.  What is bad is allowing what the scales say to dictate how I feel about myself.  THAT is bad.   So for now, I am resisting the urge to step on the scales.   I am accepting that the scales may be up on my next weigh in.  If that is the case, then I will tweak and change my food intake. (I am trying different things for my lunches.)  But the most important thing is that I will not obsess in the meantime.  

My loosey Goosey Plans for Weight Loss

 It has been about 10-12 days since I decided to take control of my weight issues and actually do something about it.   I didn't make any huge vows to start big and drop my calories to a certain level.  I didn't make any great plans to exercise for such and such length of time.  I didn't even promise to drink a specified amount of water.  I simply said that I was going to work to track my food and come what may. 

That is what I did.  I tracked my food.  Period. The end.  I did nothing else to further my weight loss.  I was just bluntly honest with my tracking (including the cough drops that I inhaled like candy due to this never ending cough).   I simply tracked my food.  Now historically speaking, I do tend to tighten the belt with my calorie intake when I am tracking.  That is due to a combination of being cognizant of what I am eating  but also the feeling of not wanting to have to admit what I really ate.  I am sure that happened this last week.  And I will say that I dropped 2.1 pounds.   A victory because any loss is a victory.    

My weekend was only so so in terms of my eating.....but I tracked it.    With that said, I know that it is time to tighten the belt so to speak.  It is time to roll into phase two of making small changes in my habits to enact a change within my body.    So what change will it be this week?   Water consumption?  Exercise?  What shall it be!

I would love it to be exercise, however I am still battling this crud that started about a week and a half ago.  The dry hacking cough is now a wet loose cough that produces nothing and just rattles my chest.  (Yeah, so much fun....note the sarcasm!)  During this weekend I was outside doing a few things in the yard such as carting lawn furniture to the shed, pulling tomato cages and trellis' from the garden and dragging in hoses.......basically winterizing the yard.  I noticed that while I felt fine (other than the cough) when I started doing the work, after a bit of anything more than a simple walk (anything strenuous) that my  chest would tighten up and hurt.  (Which is honestly no wonder with all this coughing and hacking that I am doing).   So exercise is not really in the cards for me right now.  I will continue my daily walks with the dog....and maybe even throw in one on my lunch break here and there (which I do on occasion.),  But exercise, not a focus at the moment.

Water?  Should it be water?   Nope, I am letting that one evolve on it's own.  

Instead of those things, my next focus will be on lowering my calories.  Like before I am not vowing to eat at a certain level of calories.  I am not promising to never have cake.  I will not be attesting to eating a certain amount of fruits and veggies or upping my protein into the stratosphere.  I am not promising anything.  I am just saying that it may be time to make an effort to reduce my calorie consumption and to eat as nutritiously as possible.   

Yes, I know that my plan is extremely loosey goosey.  I know it's crazy and unorganized.  I know that it's not scientific.  But I know that it's what I need at the moment.  I have been writing this blog for almost 20 years.  I have made the vows and the promises over and over for years upon years.  And it hasn't worked.  I have studied and practiced the art form of weight loss for those same years (longer really, because I was working on weight loss before I started this blog)......so I know what needs to be done.  I have written scads of words about it.  I have even posted videos for years  on youtube about my weight loss efforts.  Yet I have struggled for so many of those years. (I have also had victorious years and posts thank heavens.)  But the promises.  The challenges.  The goals.  The plans.   They haven't worked in recent years, so it's time to do something totally different.  It's time to  throw out the guide and do something totally different.   And here we are...it's time to be loosey goosey. 

I have been utterly lax with taking pictures of my days and life, so there is no picture to accompany my loosey goosey post.  So I will leave you with a pictures of my Goofy Gus, otherwise known as Zoey, our dog!

9/19/2025  Her 3rd birthday

 

 

Lazy bum sleeping on the couch

Staring me down

 

Dreams and Thoughts

Where did my dreams go?  I seem to have lost them and I don't know where they went.   It's kind of interesting.  It's kind of scary.  And weirdly enough, I don't know where and when they disappeared.  All I know is that last night I realized that they are gone....and I am bereft.

 Now first of all, I want to say that the dreams that I am talking about are not the dreams that come to us in the dead of the night while we are asleep.  I very much still dream frequently.   I don't always remember them much past that first wakeful moment or much after the first 24 hours post dream, but I have plenty of night time dreams.   Lately, they have been more nightmare quality (think watching plane wrecks, death, destruction and even one or two where you watch your parents die in tragic accidents).  But happy dreams or nightmares, those dreams are still around.

No, I am talking about the thoughts that fill my head when I am falling asleep, bored, lonely.   In essence my daydreams. Since I have been very young I have always filled my head with what I have always thought of as 'dreams'...but in reality I guess I could refer to them as 'story lines' in my head.  This has always been my chosen method to 'put myself to sleep', I close my eyes and imagine myself somewhere else...living the life of my dreams and building a story line in my head.  The setting, story line, characters, season and whatnot change, sometimes daily.   Over the years I have traversed the nation in a covered wagon, lived with the Indians in teepees on the great plains, fallen in love countless times, been a millionaire, been famous, worked as an archeologist, librarian, and schoolteacher.....and countless other things.  Thinking back I can see how my interests in life and the books I was currently reading played a factor in these dreams.   I remember being maybe 8 or 10 and reading the Little House of the Prairie books.  For months afterward I lived the life of a pioneer gal, traveling in a covered wagon.  Likewise, when our family went on vacation to Williamsburg, VA I suddenly created story lines in my head about life in Williamsburg or the nearby Jamestown.  Seeing the Replica ships were a huge memory for me when I visited Williamsburg years later (and yes I even talked about how I was most excited to visit the ships in this blog post where I recapped that visit 30 years after my first visit) , So I imagine that I spent time dreaming about how my life would be on one of them.  All of this to say that these story line/dreams have been a part of my life for a LONG time.

 Last night I couldn't fall asleep.   So I immediately turned to my old tried and true standby.  I decided to create a story in my head.   (I guess it's something similar to counting sheep)  Only there was nothing.  My mind was blank.  I've been reading, so there should be tons of scenes and settings in my mind (except that I did just finish a story about the holocaust......and that's not really a setting I want to imagine myself in.......I want to avoid nightmares!).  The more I tried to start a story in my mind......the more upset I became!  Where did my stories.....my dreams.....my 'friends' go.  

Over the last months and maybe even years I have tried to rediscover who I am.  I have felt as if I have lost some of who I am somewhere and somehow.  Is the loss of my stories part of what I have lost?   Food for thought.   

And seriously guys......tell me honestly.....am I nuts for these story lines that have always floated in my head?????   I honestly think this may be the first time I have ever in all my years tried to verbalize this.  (I know I was doing these stories/dreams in my head at least 4045 years ago...probably longer)  I think I just thought everyone did it....but now I am wondering.

Suit of Armor

 Its just one day.  It's an aberration and not the norm.  Or rather I will MAKE it an aberration! You see, I had a bit of a slip yesterday.  Yes, after I posted my victorious loss on the scales I went a bit haywire.   Can we say self sabotage?  Can we say I was happily protecting my fat suit of armor?

So yes, yesterday I was victorious and posted a nice loss. (2.1 pounds.....) I then proceeded to apparently mock my success by eating a big breakfast of chipped beef gravy over three slices of bread.  Now it was thin sliced bread and grainy and seedy.  So not the worst choice and probably the calories of two slices since it was thin sliced.    But definitely more calories than I usually eat for breakfast.  Lunchtime rolled around and what did I do?   Why I decided to eat chips and salsa.  CHIPS????  I mean, the salsa is not bad....and the heat from the hot salsa probably helped the sinus drainage that I am STILL dealing with. (Will this cough EVER go away?).  OHhh but I was not done yet.  I ran into a store for some other things and something possessed me to buy a brownie to add with my oh so UN-healthy lunch options (well...the chips were unhealthy).  Heck yeah I ate the brownie!  Dinner was more normal.  I made a potato soup and we had turkey and cheese sandwiches with it.  BUT, the brownie had 'wet my whistle' (to quote my dad) and I made chocolate cake with chocolate icing for a sweet treat.  And you KNOW I had a piece of that before I went to bed.   Ohhhh....and I had 16 ounces of water but after that I switched over to drinking diet soda....no more water for me!)  All in all, I ate over 2K in calories.   TOO many!!!

And yes, I did notice that thus far in this post that I was  justifying my poor choices by talking about the healthier version of bread....the thinner slice......the value of hot salsa on my sinuses.   Justifications that are excuses and are not helpful to me at all.  Because my food choices were not at all healthy.  I was well over my calorie goals but even worse, there was nothing remotely healthy about my food intake.  I did not eat to fuel my body yesterday....I just ate for the sake of eating. 

No matter the reasons and my self talk about trying to justify my choices, I self sabotaged myself.   So I guess the question of the day is why?   Why am I subconsciously avoiding success?  Years ago (like in 2009 in this post) I came up with the fact that I wear my fat like a protective suit of armor. Being fat protects me.  It is my excuse.  It is my shield that I hide behind.  In a weird way, it protects me.  Emotionally at least, because the fat suit of armor is hurting my physically.   And if I want to be honest with myself......the fat suit of armor is keeping me from being the best version of me possible.....physically mentally AND emotionally. 

So where does all this leave me?   It leaves me with two schools of thought.  The first is that I can NOT let my one day slip up turn into two or three.  One day is not the end of the world.  One day will not derail me.   One day is just living life.  The trick is to just keep it at one day and not let one day stretch into two days...a week...a month.    The second thing?  I really need to delve into the mental and emotional aspect of why I am self sabotaging my weight loss efforts.  I need to work on healing myself from the inside out! 

I did it!!!

 This is going to be a short post.  But I just wanted to come on here and give my daily report.  Ok, and a little extra something.

I am still holding steady with my efforts.  I’m not eating perfectly, but I am eating better than I was.  Furthermore, I am eating in a way that is sustainable.  There are no huge restrictions. There have been bo dinners of dry lettuce leaves.  I am eating normally but I am making better choices.  I am declining the junk food that I done really need.  But I admittedly have indulged in some sweet treats!

I have decided to make my official weigh in on Friday mornings.  I was thinking Saturday but Saturdays are a crapshoot of when we get moving, when I shower, eat, get dressed, etc.  Fridays are more routine and that is what I want!

So…..today is Friday.   And even with only small baby steps toward health, I managed a loss!   2.1 pounds to be exact!!!!   Go me!!!

Doing My Best

Are we ever really satisfied with our efforts?  Or are we as humans destined to always think we could do better?  Furthermore….is there always a bit more in the tank where we could do better…if we just tried?

Where in the world did this thought about my efforts come from?  Last night I sat down to eat my planned dinner and I was perfectly fine with my voice.  However, when I was done eating what I had planned I was still hungry!  I went to the kitchen and ate grabbed something else.   I never ate to the point of feeling sick, or even to the point of feeling stuffed.  So I knew that I had not overeaten.  Yet I sat there afterward beating myself up for the extra food. I had made my best effort and then I wasn’t happy with it.  In hindsight, I realized that my calories and food levels were way too low and it’s no wonder that I was hungry.   I realize my error in that I turned to higher calorie foods (not junk food…but higher calorie leftovers that were in the fridge).  But that didn’t make me feel any better.  I still felt like a failure.  

But in the heat of the moment I did my best.   And you know what else I also did?   I soooooo badly wanted something sweet after I ate dinner.  And guess what?  I knew I didn’t need it and I resisted.   I did my best and that is a win!

But why do we beat ourselves up over eating something not planned.  Why do we beat ourselves up for our mistakes.   Why do we demand perfection?  Perfection is not easily attainable.  It’s also not easily maintained.  Yet we strive for perfection and when we don’t achieve it we call ourselves failures.  What in the world is wrong with us.   (And yes, this segues into real life for me right now…I’m not just talking about my weight loss journey!)

I have been long intrigued with some of these extreme ultra running events.  In particular the ‘Barkley Marathon’ and the ‘Backyard Ultra’. These races are devious!   The Barkley is once a year.   Quite a few years they don’t even have anyone finish because it is that difficult.   The participants are faced with a grueling course (that they run 5 times….with 12 hours to complete each lap).  These runners are put through a physical and mental test that few can do….because few can push themselves past their best to dive into the reserves.  Likewise the Backyard.  It’s a race where participants run a 4 mile loop and they have an hour to do it.   Not bad eh?  But the top of hour two they line up and run it again.  At the top of hour three they line up and run lap three….for hours…and DAYS they start at the top of each hour to run their next lap of four miles.  The last man standing after everyone else has dropped out is the winner.    Talk about the tank being empty and drawing from that well of hidden reserves!

Those races totally intrigued me and I think it’s because sure, those participants want to win….but when you watch interviews with these people  it’s the victory of pushing your body to the limit…seeing what your body and mind can do.  It’s accomplishing the insurmountable!

In 2024 history was made with the Barkley marathon.  The first woman finished the race.   She was not first….she was not the second one to cross the finish line.  She was the fifth person and crossed the line with seconds to spare before the cut off!  Yet the world went crazy!  She lost!  Yet ahe gave everything she had and she was excellent!  (And while there were five finishers that year…some were repeat finishers….in the grand scheme of the Barkley there have only been 20 finishers in the last 20-30 years!)

I want to be excellent….I want to give my all and then some.  But I need to give up the hang up about perfection.  Being perfect didn’t get that woman across the line in fifth place…being her best did!

7 Days

 Seven days.  Seven days of commitment.  Seven days of sickness (ok, maybe six for that).  The week may not be perfect, but it’s been seven days!  

Seven (ish) days of Sickness

I am so sick of coughing!  It started about a week ago with waking up with a hoarse and raspy voice.  Followed by waking up with a sore throat.  Both of those symptoms dissipated throughout the days. But each morning they were back.  Hello sinus drainage!  But then about day 3 I picked up a cough.   A dry hacking cough.  Still, I am reasonably sure it is caused by the sinus drainage irritating my throat and whatever else it irritates.  (It surely irritates me mentally!). Thankfully, I don’t feel bad.  If anything maybe a bit more tired.  I know I napped a bit more than normal over the weekend.  But that could be due to the cough keeping me awake all night!   I have no runny nose, no continual sore throat, no sore ears, no aches and pains, no fever….just this drainage and cough.  I caved and started taking a cough suppressant to sleep, which helped.  I also take some through my work day…which also helps.  I hate taking meds but dang…..this cough is enough to drive me crazy!    And I sit here coughing like all get out, so I will be taking it again this morning!

Seven Days of Commitment

This morning I started my day by opening MyFitnessPal and entering in my planned food for the day.  I got the celebration notification that I have tracked for 7 days.  Go me!  Seven days of commitment to this journey.  I haven’t been perfect.  My calories are above where I typically like them to be.  But my calories are at least close to where I want them to be, which right now I am calling a win.  (I notice that each day I am getting closer and closer without any huge deprivation or struggle…it’s happening naturally!). I have had some victories, such as not touching the candy jar at work.  (The candy jar had become a huge habit!). I have not been perfect.  I did have a cupcake at work the other day.  However, I tracked each and every bite.  I even tracked the cough drops that I am utilizing for the aforementioned cough.  Brutal honesty with myself. 

I don’t really like tracking. I would love to be free as a bird and not have to pay any attention to my food intake. Free as a bird obviously doesn’t work for me!  I need that dose of reality to remind me exactly what I am eating.  And as I am seeing from these last seven days, just being cognizant of what I am eating and the fact that what I eat has to go into the tracker (no ifs ands or buts) seems to really resonate within me!   

Here is to seven more days!!! Seven more of tracking that is…the cough can go to H. E. Double hockey sticks!

Being Honest With Myself

How honest are we with ourselves?  I like to think that I am an honest person.  In fact, I would say that I pride myself on my complete honesty.  Admittedly, I may word things in such a way that it is not a lie but rather emphasizes the truth while hiding the negative, but it is true. But with myself...and my weight loss journey I sometimes have not been completely honest with myself.  And yes, it hurts me to admit it!   And even worse, this is not the first such post!  You can read how I was dishonest with myself from way back in 2013 here.  Sadly, I am not alone.  I imagine that most everyone on a weight loss journey has lied to themselves.

 

We lie about what we are eating when we are gaining weight.  A closet eater is hiding how much they are eating...putting a false/lie front to the world saying 'I don’t know why I'm gaining , do you see me eating any cakes, candy or cookies?'  While on the journey have you ever fudged your tracking...skipped putting on those bites licks and tastes (the BLT's)?   what about that handful of potato chips that you nibbled on while making dinner....the sliver of butter you added to your toast...I mean, it’s only 32 calories, does it really matter?

 

I need to admit that I have done it! sometimes it’s been an oversight that causes me to 'lie' to myself.  Sometimes it is a plain 'if I don’t write it then I must not have eaten it mentality. But that’s a lie!  (That particular lie usually proceeds a cease and desist from tracking all my food.) 

 

Lies can be about the exercise we are doing.  The intensity or the time spend exercising.  Lies can be about water consumption.  'Why yes I drank 64 ounces yesterday!'  But what about the half cup of ice that remained.  (True story...my Yeti tumblers always have ice in them at the end of the day....which means that I didn’t drink the FULL amount that they hold.  (Love love love mine...I actually have a few of these and have my eye one a new one/different color.)

 

So let’s face it.  we lie in weight loss journeys.  Lies and mistruths are what got us to obesity. Lies are what keep us in the obese category.  But who is that lie hurting?  Myself!  Furthermore, does the world really believe the lie that someone is eating perfectly when they are 100 pounds overweight?  (Or even 50 pounds...or 20!) Weight related lies only hurt the liar…and are visible for the world .  There is no poker face for this lie...our bodies reveal the truth.

 

where did this come from?  Yesterday morning I entered my food for the day into myfitnesspal.  I was happy with the calorie count for the day.  i headed to work and I had my planned lunch.   i even looked at the candy jar that my coworkers were digging through and walked on by.  no candy for me!  (true story)  But around midafternoon I noticed a flurry of activity out on the teller line and one gal hurried out the door.  I ambled out of my office to see what was happening. The financial advisor that services our branch was at our location and they had just discovered it was his birthday.  Luckily grocery stores carry readymade birthday cakes!   Yes, I had a cupcake.  Last night i had a moment where I seriously thought about not entering it into my tracker.   And I didn’t do it...if it’s not tracked then i must not have happened right??? So, I didn’t track it...until this morning!  This morning as i was getting ready to enter today’s food I realized my omission for what it was.... a straight up lie to myself. I backtracked and added that cupcake!   I also added a pile of cough drops.... because cough drops are my savior right now!!!  (I think it’s just sinus drainage causing the tickle that causes my dry hacking cough.... who knows.... but cough drops are my best friend).  Am I being silly about adding my cough drops....one is only 10 calories...but what about the fact that i had 10....or 20!  10 cough drops is 100 calories...20 is 200!!!  I think it was closer to 10...so that is what i went with!

 

It is time to be honest with myself. It is time to hold myself to the same standards about lies that i hold for all other aspects of my life.  It is time to be honest!

The Memory Quilt

It has been no secret that I have been struggling with my emotions in the recent years.  It makes sense, I have had a lot of traumatic events happen.   It's been a roller coaster.  It's been difficult and I've really struggled.  As I started to put the pieces of my life and my emotions back in check I stumbled on a hobby that I have dabbled in over the years and in the process have been working on a project that truly has e delighted.  A memory quilt!

In June I went on a gals weekend with my friend Linda.  It was just what the doctor ordered.  It was a weekend of laughter.  It was a weekend of healing.  It was a weekend of building our friendship stronger.  When we past a fabric/quilt shop we knew we had to visit!   We both have dabbled with quilting in our lives.  While there we saw some fabric that actually was designed with the New River Gorge Bridge.  We decided to buy the fabric and the complimentary fabrics and to each make a block to commemorate our trip.  We talked about how we could buy fabric and make a block for each girls weekend/vacation we go on.   It was a great idea and I was hooked!

I came home with my fabric and I made the quilt block for our girls weekend.  I had enough fabric left over  that I made a second block for the "New River Gorge".  I had always wanted to create a memory quilt and I now had my first block completed...almost.  I embroidered the dates for when Jason and I visited NRG and voila the first block was complete.  

The block that started it all

I loved the process and couldn't wait to work on the next block!  I went out and perused the fabric at a local fabric store and bought the fabric for the next block.  I had so much fun that it took no time at all for that block to be finished.  I bought the fabric for the next block.  And in that way I have made my way through almost all the blocks I need for my memory quilt! 

Of course our animals deserve their own blocks!

 

I have been creating this quilt as I go.  Each block is a unique pattern (ok, I do duplicate some patterns here and there).  Each block is unique in fabrics, although I do try to include at least one fabric that was used elsewhere in the quilt into each block.   Each block depicts something special, or an event, or a thought from the first 10 years of the relationship of Jason and I (yup, we are at the 10 year mark).  

When we were first dating we spent a lot of time at a cafe talking....the cafe had a purple couch.

 As I have been creating the blocks I have formed my idea of how this quilt is going to work.  I always knew that each block would be totally unique and individualistic.  For a bit I pondered including some of the negative events.....my dad's death,  the passing of mom, the car accident that took Jason's daughter...those truly heart breaking events.  I thought about making blocks to depict the loss of my job, my health scare,   mom's stroke, or Jason's run in with an axe.   But I knew that while they were part of what I am and what these last 10 years together have been...I didn't want to put the sad memories into this quilt. 

Of course there is a block for each of us that has our names and birthdays

But how can I just ignore those things.  They are part of us.  They are part of our years.  That is when I decided to add in half blocks randomly throughout the quilt. These half blocks are not pieced quilt blocks, they are corresponding fabrics (and leftover fabric) from the pieced blocks.  You see, if I left all the blocks  perfect 12 inch squares the quilt would be totally linear popping from one good memory to another.  But life is not linear.  So I am placing those half blocks of fabric randomly to acknowledge that life is not linear and that there are roadblocks. There are sad events.  There is heartache.  I am not putting in a specific number of half blocks. Well, I am in that I have a certain number that need to be there to create the quilt.  But I have refused to look at a half block and think, "that represents my dad.....or mom...or jasons daughter."   The memories and love for those people will always be with us and we don't need a quilt block to remember.  

A block to indicate our apartment that we first lived in (with address)

In the dead center of the quilt I have always planned to have a large block (my plan was  24x24 but now that I am working on it, I think I'm going to have to adjust that ....which means the other blocks will need to be adjusted...but that's ok because I have some ideas on how to adjust).  This super large block will be a block created with the double wedding ring pattern.  My plan is 4 rings of the double wedding ring.   This is the only quilt block in the quilt that will not have unique fabrics.  All of the pieces of the double wedding ring will be created with random pieces from all of the other blocks.  All of the events depicted in the quilt combine in fabric to create our union in the double wedding ring.  

We have hiked a lot of trails off of Skyline Drive in Shenandoah National Park

I have completed all of my blocks and all of the half blocks. (I am doing a quilt as you go approach.....if you are interested in quilting and have wondered when you look at my blocks.)  I am currently piecing the double wedding ring segment.  As I said earlier the pattern was larger than I thought so I will most likely have to adjust some things on the quilt....but I have a plan in my head of how to make a larger center block work!

Working on the quilt has been good for me in so many ways.  It has allowed me to be creative (which is something I truly enjoy).  It has allowed me to revisit the past and look at the good that has happened in life versus dwelling on the negative.   It has also given me a project that fills my time.  It has been a blast!  As I near the end I wonder what will come next........