I have so much to say! I have had so little time to actually say (write) it! It seems as if life just keeps going faster and faster and crazier and crazier. I set out to make July ‘my’ month in terms of health and fitness. I had a doctor’s appointment with the gastro doctor.. We had a sale at mom’s house. Zoey continues to grow and entertain. So much to talk about, and yet I’ve failed to write. So here we go, a big catch up!
Mom’s House
We prepped the house and stuff that is left for a sale. A ‘bakers’ sale if you must. We planned to have the sale inside and just open the doors for anyone to come on in and purchase. So on the 20th, we pulled it off. We didn’t do too bad. We sold a fair amount…there is still a fair amount of stuff left. It’s like the house has this magic act that for every item you take out of it, two more will appear! Ok, it seemed like that at first, the more we cleared out, the more there was. It’s not that bad anymore, but there is still a fair amount of stuff left. Small stuff. Lots of baking pans and utensils. That kind of thing. We are getting there. Slowly but surely.
July, my Restart
Yes, July was supposed to be my month of great new beginnings. And honestly, I totally nailed the first two weeks in terms of exercise, and step count and water consumption! Totally nailed it! But my food was not exactly spot on. It wasn’t horrible, but not perfect. Add into that my monthly cycle hit (first time in like 4-5 months) and I didn’t lose any weight. And I got totally disgusted. And at that point it all went to hell in a hand basket. Exercise? What’s that? I didn’t stop totally, but it’s been a struggle to get 1-2 workouts a week. Water? I am getting about 32 ounces of water a day. Not enough at all! And food! Well I it was a struggle and honestly, for the last week (I just checked, exactly a week) I haven’t tracked a single solitary thing I have eaten!) I haven’t gone off the rails with my food, it hasn’t been totally horrible. I’m still trying to make wise decisions but I know it hasn’t been ‘good’.
I’m a fraud
Meanwhile, I have been struggling with feeling like a fraud. I have been posting on here about weight loss for 18.5 YEARS. Sure I have had some success. But lately it’s just been failure. I am the highest weight I have been since before I lost all the weight back in 2007/2008. I feel horrible. I ache. I am miserable. I am disgusted with myself. And I continue to post on here and on my YouTube channel. Sure I’m being honest and talking about my struggles…but I feel like a fraud. I know, I’m not….I'm authentically honest, talking about my struggles with weight. But still…..
Doctors Appointment
I had a follow up appointment with my gastroenterologist last week. This was to get the results of the biopsies from my endoscopy and to also plan how to move forward with this acid reflux dealio that I have been working on since my visit to the ER almost a year ago. The doctor told me that everything looked great with my endoscopy. The biopsies were all normal. The only thing they found was the hiatal hernia that he had mentioned the day of the endoscopy. We talked about how the medication has not helped me. And he said, that the medicine would help reduce ACID, but the hiatal hernia would continue to cause a ‘back up’ into my esophagus. It’s just a fact of life with a hiatal hernia. So with his permission I am not taking any meds. He said the odds of damage is slim to none. It also helps that my symptom is simply a cough or throat clear once or twice after I eat. (I have no heartburn, stomach issues, acid taste in my mouth, etc). We agreed that for me an endoscopy will be something that I have to do every few years, along with my colonoscopy. Preventative, just to check for damage and take steps to stop damage from getting worse should there be any. I’m good with that. So moving forward the focus is on getting the weight off of my body. In his words all the stomach fat is pressing and squeezing that hernia and compounding the issue. He said that it is quite likely that my problems would disappear almost entirely should I lose weight. So there you have it.
Moving forward
So what is the plan moving forward. I’m not exactly sure. I’ve been disgusted enough that I’ve actually for the first time started to contemplate taking a medication. But am still somewhat resistant to that.
I know that I need to get myself back to tracking my food! I also need to focus on getting in that exercise and drinking my water. The big thing for me is that I know that I have an unhealthy relationship with food. It’s very unhealthy. But how does one create a healthy relationship ship? That is the question of the hour I guess! (Suggestions welcome!!)
I have started to question my choices though. Each time I eat I know what I WANT, but I am questioning myself, ‘what would a person that doesn’t have an issue with food choose’. And then I copy what I think a person with a healthy relationship would eat. So for lunch today I did have a handful of potato chips. Normally I would either ignore them because they are the devil (if I was feeling strong enough to resist) or I would eat potato chips with wild abandon. (For those days where I lose control!) today I eat about 5 chips…that sounded ‘normal and healthy’ to me! I also did that with some homemade bread. I wanted to eat the rest of the loaf…but I asked myself, is that something a ‘non food addict’ person would do? And so I didn’t eat the rest of it. I just ate two slices. Is this healthy? Maybe not but it is making me really think about my choices!
It’s a small thing, but that is where I am starting. Hopefully it will help me retrain my mind to a mindset that is less addict fueled and more ‘normal’ (whatever normal really is)
So that is where I am at. Crazy times. July wasn’t what I had thought it was going to be…but I can end strong