There is so much going on in my head! I have things swirling up there and want to share it all, but not sure if I have the words because I’m still trying to figure it out myself. But hey, let’s try!
The word of the week for this week is another phrase. In fact, it’s the same phrase as last week. That phrase is ‘just a week’. Last week I made the vow that I can keep my calories in check for ‘just one week’. It’s only a week. I wasn’t asking to never indulge again, I was just saying hold it together for just one week. And my specific plan was to keep the calories at right around 1400 or lower. I managed it. But I didn’t lose a pound! By the end of the week I was so utterly weary and depressed. Why am I even trying to do this when my weight isn’t dropping. It feels as if it is all in vain! A whole lot of blood sweat and tears for a whole lot of nothing.
I will throw in the disclaimer that I KNOW that any healthy change I make will have a positive impact on my body and health….but dang-it, I want to lose weight too!
I was weary. Weary of trying to find food to eat that would fit in my plan. Weary of counting my food. Weary of thinking about every bite. Weary of it all. I never contemplated quitting, but I was weary and didn’t know how to move forward amidst the weariness.
On Saturday I woke up still not sure what my plan was going to be. Luckily I came up with a plan, while in the shower. I was taking a ‘vacation day’ from this healthy living thing. I was going to eat what I want and not worry about it. Just for that day. Some people would cal this a cheat day, but I don’t like the word cheat because it has such negative connotations. So I’m using the word vacation day, in honor of my father who used to take vacation days from his medications. Yes, every Friday my father didn’t take any pills. He said it was his vacation day! So I decided to be my father’s daughter and take a vacation day from healthy living. I started the day with chocolate chip pancakes. Two of them, and I promptly burned one! So I ate one chocolate chip pancake (and I was surprisingly quite satisfied with only one!). For lunch I grabbed a turkey wrap. For dinner we had subs and chips. And I had a chocolate chip cookie. My calories were around 1800. Not horrible! I was right back at it with healthier options on Sunday…the vacation day reset my feelings about this journey. While I was thinking about this plan, I realized that I used to do this years back when I was losing the weight the first time! So it worked then, hopefully it works now too! So I will be having more vacation days!
So I did start this week strong! I vowed to do ‘just one week’ again, but with a twist. I’m still working to keep calories low, but I am also vowing to only eat complex carbs a for one meal! Carbs in the form of bread, pasta, potatoes have historically been an issue for me and I have always seemed to lose better when I limit it to one a day. So it’s just one week…let’s see what happens if I limit for one week!
So now for the things that are jumbled in my head. First and foremost, I have been feeling a bit like my life is all weight loss. Like my weight and my efforts to lose weight is what defines me. I mean, I’ve been online posting about it for so long it’s embarrassing! (Since 2006, you can read my first post here.) I am more than weight loss though, yet I feel as if that is all I am. Everything in my life and thoughts go back to that, and I am not sure I like it. But how do I change that?
The other thing is that I would love to come up with a side hustle to add a bit of income to our lives. But what. Admittedly I have thrown out a few lines, but nothing has worked for me. Is it me? Do I just lack something? Perseverance? I obviously have perseverance with weight loss…I mean since 2006…but do I fail at other things because I give up when it gets hard? Or do I just lack some intrinsic brain power to make things happen.
I know that very often I will quickly will jump on a bandwagon and go full force ahead, and then stop dead at some point. I stop because it gets hard? I hit a brick wall, I get bored. Any number of reasons. But I stop. And this, I get no where!
I feel just stuck in life. Happy in my marriage but miserable with my work life. Looking for a way out…but whelp, the bills still need paid and the animals still need to eat!!
