Wither Away

 

I would love to say that this past week was a rousing success.  I would love to say that I lost an amazing amount of weight.   I would love to say that my health efforts had been spot on.  I would be absolutely over the moon to be able to say that the elephant in the room, my mobility had improved.   I would love to tell you all that.   But I can’t.

I started this past week super focused and dedicated.  A coworker and I had been talking and she is big into fasting.  She has decided that she needed to lose weight by Thanksgiving, 10 pounds was her goal in 20 days.  And she was going to do it by fasting.   She and I had had this conversation before and I had been impressed with her losses from fasting a day or so here and there.  I had previously looked into fasting as a regular tool in my healthy living lifestyle.  I even read books on fasting.    And lastly, I tried fasting at that time. And it was a colossal failure then (you can read about that here.)   So why in the world would I decide to try fasting again.  Yes, I for some reason decided that I was going to fast again.  I was going to join my coworker on this thrust to lose mad pounds by Thanksgiving by fasting.  I wasn’t going to do the 2-3 day fasts that my coworker was doing, but I was going to follow the OMAD fasting schedule, one meal a day.  What could go wrong?    (I’m telling you; I had completely blanked out the previous experience.  There is no other explanation.)   EVERYTHING went wrong.   I got hungry during my fast and when that eating window opened, I descended upon food like there was no tomorrow.  I have always said “I can do a lot of damage in one hour of eating”.  Once again, I proved it.  My weight is UP on the scale after a few days of fasting.   NO MORE FASTING FOR ME!

So I had a failure with eating, surely exercise went better!   Except, that didn’t go any better either.   I started Monday so strong.  On my word was I on top of things.  I exercised at 5AM.    I even did a short 20-minute exercise video after work!    Twice in one day!  I was on top of it.  Nothing was going to stop me!   Tuesday, I started out right with another 5 AM exercise and then it went to hell in a hand basket! 

 It was about 7:30 and I was outside with the dog.  In the mornings I pick up her toys and straighten up things that were left out the previous day.  (I swear Jason has some type of attention deficit disorder, he will be in the middle of something and just walk away and let it lay when he moves on to a different project). We were also forecasted to get our first deep freeze.   Because of that, I wanted to get a few summer things put away, namely our hoses. So while the dog was on her lead (after the dog ran away at 5AM, I have not been brave enough to let her loose while I am home by myself and if truth be known, I haven’t let her outside without a leash while Jason is in the shower either!)

   So Zoey was rambling around on her lead while I flitted around the yard doing this and doing that.   I saw something across the yard that needed my attention so I stepped over Zoey’s lead.  I was very cognizant of doing it.  But she was just serenely watching the sky, so I knew that I had time to take that step over without any concern.   Except, that dog can go from zero to 60 in no time at all!  She saw something. (There was probably an airplane flying high over us leaving its jet trail.  You see, for some reason that infuriates this dog.)  Off she took running, while I was straddling her lead.  Next thing I knew, I was kissing the ground. I must have twisted when I dropped because my left knee was bruised and sore but it was my right upper side that took the brunt of the fall.  From my shoulder blade, up through my shoulder and down my arm it hurt.    It was bad enough that the first two nights after this happened, I struggled with sleep because of the pain.  It has diminished and I am starting to feel better.  BUT you know what that did to exercise!  From that point on, exercise didn’t happen.

So it was a week of failure in terms of my weight loss and healthy living efforts.    On Friday I spent the day with my oldest nephew at the Gettysburg Battlefield’s museum, film and cyclorama.  (Yes, we took pretty much the full day to do those things.) As we went through the museum we were talking, of course.  And of course we touched on my parents.   We touched on my mom in particular, and how much we miss her.  (She had a knack in later years for saying the rudest things to me, but she still loved me to no end and I loved her and I can see where her comments to me where frustration and unhappiness in her, especially after dad died.)   We talked about how when my nephew left to go to London for grad school that he resigned himself to the fact that his grandmother would likely pass away while he was gone.   And when he came back to the states how he was so shocked at her decline. (Those of us that were able to visit frequently didn’t see it as much because it was just a steady decline…but looking back it was a pretty big descent.)   We talked about that decline that was so visible to him after almost a year away. We talked a bit about the decline and if there could have been anything that could have been done to slow down that descent.  (We agreed that better physical therapy in the first home may have changed the outcome.  MAY.   But the PT at that home wasted so much time on inefficient therapy.   Seriously, for most of her time there, PT had mom lay in bed and do leg lifts and arm raises.    They didn’t have the manpower to actually get her out of bed to start walking….and didn’t dedicate that manpower until literally 2-3 weeks before her medicare paid time was up….when they realized that if they wanted to have a ‘success’ that they needed to get her walking.  So yes, I think she may have gone further if PT would have been more efficient at that first place she was at. IN fairness though, mom was in a reduced state of physical mobility before her stroke!     But The specialists at the hospital in Pittsburg where she was airlifted had seemed to think that she would make a full recovery….so who knows.  But I digress.   My nephew and I were talking about the decline and in my head, I realized that I am letting my health and fitness levels decline.  I recognize it.  I see it.  I know it’s not too late to change.  But, if I would have a stroke right now, I am already in a reduced situation in terms of my mobility.  I would be starting at a deficit, much like mom had.  Would I have the strength to overcome, or would I just slowly decline and wither away into …….

Day 12-15

 I am still going full steam ahead with the photo a day.  I am really enjoying it.   It has been easy thus far and I have been able to remember to get my picture with no issues.  

Slow it Down

 I have a personality that it is all or nothing.  I am full steam ahead or I am floundering in the rear and flailing around.  I can see the effects of this quite clearly in my life quite a bit.  I have come to the realization that this has happened in the last week or two.  So now I have to back track and correct my course.  At least I figured it out, right?

This seems to be part of my intrinsic nature.  I find a project and I dive right on in.  I'm so excited and ready to slay the project.  I'm going to be Mary-Conqueror-Fran!  It is going to be fabulous!    Seriousl, how many times have I come up with some new project that I am full fledged invested in and after a week or two never mention it again. Sometimes I am even embarrassed to start a new project or idea on here because there is so many.    I don't even want to look....but there are a LOT.    Lets see, there is 2024 miles in 2024.  There was the tracker journal that I was creating each month.  Ohheck, I am stopping there because it depresses me!   But that goes hand in hand with a recent post that I made about finishing projects.  I wrote about how it was time to stop spreading myself thin.  How it was time to clean up all this clutter and finally finish some projects. (You can read about that here.)  I even started this clean up mission!  I made myself a list for last weekend of things that I wanted to do in order to get closer to finishing some of these projects!  I trucked through the project like there was no tomorrow!  I was so proud of myself!  (Seriously, I was proud.  You can sense it in every word of this post.)  Riding high on my weekend success I made a list for the upcoming week and I was doing AMAZING with it!  

And somehow about the middle of the week I started to really think about something.  I started to realize that I was focused on the wrong thing.  I was focused on finishing projects.  I was focused on completing tasks.  I was not focusing on doing them in the highest quality possible.  I was rushing through things like a mad woman in order to be able to cross one thing off my list and in the process was sacrificing the quality of the project.   Case in point.   I had put together a lot of recipes from mom into small recipe book.  I had gone over it and deemed it 'done' and went through the process of putting it on Amazon, with a publish date for later this year.  I ordered a proof.  When I got the proof I was disappointed with some things about it.  Things that were totally in my control!  No worries.  I sat down and figured to fix them quickly, upload and move on.  But it didn't go smoothly.  I was getting frustrated.  The frustrated side of me said "just scrap the project".   But the other side said, 'but no, I want to finish projects, not scrap them'  (I know if I walk away from the project that I will most likely see it in another 6 months or one year and pick it back up as an 'unfinished project.)     And that is when I had my epiphany.   Slow it down.  It's great to have a to do list.  And sure, it's great to cross things off multiple items as completed.  But it's even more fantastic to cross of ONE thing that is done to the absolute best of your ability!  Something that you can be proud of!  

So I am regrouping.  What I did on the recipe book was not in vain.  However,  instead of crossing it off and saying that the project was completed, I need to say that it was just one STEP that was crossed off.  That one step brings me closer to the project being complete.  

So the first thing is to SLOW DOWN.   The second thing is to focus on ONE THING at once.  On the day that I was trying to make those corrections on the recipe book I was also working on a a different project.  I was dividing my attention between the two projects and both of the projects were suffering.  So one thing at a time.  

So for my current to do list for the next few days, I only have ONE writing project on there and only ONE sewing project on there.  There will be more than enough to keep me busy on those.  But I need to let my mind focus on the task at hand.   

Regrouping, refocusing and still 100% committed to completing these projects and streamlining my life!  

365: Days 1 through 11

 I have started a project where I am to take at least one picture a day for 365 days of the year. I can take a picture of whatever I want.  I can use a cell phone or one of my good cameras  It matters not.  The only rule is that  I take at least one picture a day.    I did take one or two shots just for the 'beauty' and the fun of photography and I took a few shots just to capture my day.  11 days down!

So here are days 1 through 7

I drove a Hard Bargain With myself

I made myself a to do list for the weekend that was a little crazy!  It was long.  It had some LARGE tasks on it.  It had some smaller tasks. It was a full list! and I was determined to tackle it and finish everything. 

I am a list maker.  Making a to do list each weekend.  Sometimes it's just basic reminders of "go to Petco to pick up cat food'.  Sometimes it includes the basic items on my to do.  Things like "scrub the kitchen floor".  But this past week my list didn't juts include those basic things. Furthermore, my list was quite extensive.   What was on my list?  Projects!  I set up a HUGE to do list and I was determined to see it through!

If you remember, a few days ago I wrote about how I want to streamline my life.  I want to start to purge the unnecessary.  I want to whittle down my list of unfinished projects.  I want my life to be simple and less overwhelming.   So when I made my to do list, I placed some large projects unfinished projects on there.  Sure I placed some of the normal stuff that just comes up in life.  Things like backing up my files to my external hard drive.  But I also  I placed one of those big projects that was nearing completion that I could hopefully finish.  I also placed some that were large but still only midway through the process but I set my own goal of where I wanted to be at the end of the weekend. !   I honestly started the weekend thinking it would be fantastic if I finished everything.  Then midway through the weekend I altered my thoughts a bit because I was like, "There is no way I will get even half the stuff on my list done."   But then  somehow, I started crossing off one after another item on my do do list!  

The big project:   I took on the task of mom's recipes after she passed away.  Every recipe we found in her house I brought home and scanned into the computer.  I had completed almost everything a while back.  I literally had a wee bag of items...probably about 50 recipes.  They were stuff that was found in random places and not her tried and true stuff, so it kept getting pushed to the back burner.   I placed this task on my to do list for the weekend.  I knew that if I finished those last recipes that the project would be complete!    And guess what?   It is DONE!   I completed this big project!   

The second big project that was on the list was one that kinda goes hand in hands with organizing mom's recipes.  From the beginning of this project, I had the idea to put a small book together with some of her tried and true recipes.  I worked on that this weekend and made some great headway.  I actually got as far as I could with that and I am at a standstill for the time being.     

The third project?  A while back I started a writing project that I am calling Tales of the Scales. On the two do list was to sit down and re read what I have.  For me, while I do read books I tend to like to read over things like this (for more editorial purposes) on paper. So I printed it up. Reading it with a pen in hand was on my list of things to do.  This is the thing that I thought was not going to get done!  However, Jason didn't feel well on Sunday so we had a quiet afternoon at home.  I sat there with my pen in hand and read!  SO while the complete project isn't done, I completed that step of the project! On to the next step!

I also spent some time in my office, purging a bit.  I purged until the big garbage can outside was full.  I also organized.  It is once again, not a completion to the purge project.....but it is definitely a step in the right direction!

I also had on my task list to complete one more point of my my lone star quilt.   This is the only big task that I didn't manage to complete this past weekend!  I'm disappointed with myself for not completing it.  And I kicked myself a bit because I did play mindless games on my phone for about 20 minutes and I should have been working on that.  But seriously, 20 minutes wasn't going to complete it!

That is one HALF of ONE point of my lone star!  After the yellow it tapes back down through the colors until it's back to one blue piece. 
 

I was a project busting machine this week!

So lessons learned this weekend.  It's amazing how much I can get done if I set down that stinkin' phone and stop playing mindless games or mindless scrolling!     And secondly, really working and completing that one  big  task and all those smaller steps of other projects made me feel so much better.  I feel more in control.  Crossing off those things on my list was a real booster for my spirits!

So what is up next?   I have a to do list for the work week. Even though it is only Monday, I am already working on it and crossing thing off.  As the week progresses, I will certainly be creating my weekend to do list also!  One project down.........on to tackle the next one!

Lunatic Dog

 It was a rough week.  I mean, rough!  I didn't make all that many strides toward being the healthiest version of me.  But, I will still call the last week a win because I survived and I didn't gain.  Sure, I didn't lose weight, but I also didn't gain!  

I woke up on Monday and I was so ready to get rolling with exercise.  Still in my nightgown, I threw on some tennis shoes and commenced with my planned exercise.  I was sweating and getting into it when the dog came ambling out of the bedroom.   Yes, my dog does NOT like to wake up and will typically stay in the bedroom for for at least 10-15 minutes if not longer until she is sufficiently awake.   She came out and instead of laying down near me, she went to the sliding glass door to go out.  I paused my workout and walked to the door.  I actually looked out to make sure there wasn't any wild animal in the yard and slid open the door to let her out.  You see, Jason never has her on a leash and I have been following suit, while he is home. It is so nice on these cold mornings (it was chilly) to not have to 'suit up' to take her out at 5AM!  She walked out and immediately squatted to do her business.   I gave her a 'good girl' as she finished up.  But then she took a few steps further into the yard.  My mind was thinking, "ok, she has to do number 2 also."   But no, she took  a few steps and then took off running into the dark.  My heart sank!  It was 5AM and my dog had just run away!  I yelled for her to come back and do you think that pesky dog came back?  Of course NOT.  I called for her a few more times and she didn't come.  In my head I envisioned her already down at the corner chasing who knows what wild animal.  I turned and ran back inside and straight into the warm steamy bathroom where Jason was showering.  I yelled out my dilemma and then turned to run back outside to try to coax my wayward dog home.   The next thing I knew, Jason was standing beside me right outside the sliding door.  He called for the dog a few times and whadya know?  That dog came lopping right back into the yard and skedaddle right into the house.  She knew she was in trouble...she RAN to her crate and self punished herself.   Now you may already be laughing about this story.....but I haven't mentioned the absolute best part!  When Jason came out of the shower he knew he had to corral his disobedient canine quickly...so he had wasted no time.  He did not dry off.  He did not get dressed.  In fact, he didn't even grab a towel.  Yes, my husband was out yelling for the dog naked as a jaybird!  At lunch when we texted each other, he actually asked me. "Do you think they neighbors heard me yelling at her so loud at 5AM?"   I busted out laughing and responded. "I don't know if they heard you or not, but you should have been more concerned about if they SAW you"  I giggled ALL. DAY. LONG about this.   

 Most awesome story ever.....and no, I never finished the workout. 

Tuesday morning was no less eventful.  I woke up sick as dog!  I laid in bed for a bit,  thinking that I must have a touch of some stomach bug. But then I started to really isolate where the pain was.  Once I realized WHERE the pain was coming from, I knew.  I was having a flare up of GERD.   Oh hell no!   Last year I ended up in the ER and they gave me IV medications and all that jazz.  I did NOT want to go that route.  So , miserable as I was and even though putting anything into my mouth (food, pills or water) was the last thing I wanted to do, I started to down medicine.  I dosed myself up heavy.   I ate mylanta like it was candy! And luckily, I was able to get the flare up under control.  It was a pretty miserable day though!

I woke up on Wednesday just tired.   The GERD flare-up just wiped me out!  No exercise for me!  But I did walk the dog (on a leash) at the normal time before work.   We were walking through the grove of nut trees, heading to drag the garbage can back up to the house.  When all of a sudden Zoey saw a dog and she took off running. Normally this is not a problem. She is on a leash so she runs and then stops.  But this time she ran around a tree.  The force of the leash catching and stopping her momentarily wrenched my arm backward and reflexively I dropped the leash.   And just like that, my dog was on the loose again.  I was yelling out to the person on the road, "she is friendly...she is friendly"  as I chased after my dog and her dangling leash.   Zoey showed no sign of aggression.  Nor did she jump up.  She just wanted to be friendly with the man and his dog.  I got there and untangled the leash and kept apologizing profusely about my lunatic dog.  

No exercise that day because of just being so tired and wore out from the flare up!

Thursday, oh my aching arm and shoulder!  Remnants of lunatic dogs great escape the day before. Dumb Dog.  No exercise those days either!

I made the choices this week.  Exercise doesn't always mean health.  I made choices for my HEALTH and that is ok.  

Food wise?  I haven't tracked a single bite I have eaten.  That is ok also because I maintained!  The no exercise and no tracking can't continue though!  So back at it!

365 in 365

 I am on a mission to find what makes me happy.  Life is too short to be mired down with things that are not bringing happiness.  Does a certain belonging make me happy?  Does a particular activity make me happy?   What brings me joy in life?   Conversely, what drags me down?  It's time to dive deep and find the answers.

The last few years have been particularly rough for me.  I have struggled with a low grade depression.  I have not gone to the doctor or sought help.  I have been trying to work through it on my own.  There have been months that are really difficult and months that are easier.  It's a battle.  However, I'm determined to win and come out HAPPY!

So how am I going about this deep dive in my quest to find happiness and joy in my life.   There are some things that are not easily changed.  I mean, I still need to go to to work. (Although I really honestly believe that I was created to be a lady of leisure that shouldn't have to work.)  But there comes a time in life where we have to focus on what is bringing us joy and cut what is not.  We need to choose to surround ourselves with the good.  And that is what I am going to be focusing on.

* Clear the Clutter:  I am planning on getting back into my purge project.  I was doing good before my mom passed away and then instead of purging, I was bringing stuff into this house faster than I could blink.   I don't regret my choices for what I brought. However, I do need to start purging again to clean the unwanted.  Because seriously, if I have something that I haven't touched in the 1 or 2  years (or almost three since we moved into this house), then it's time to get rid of it!  

* Stop spreading myself Thin:    I have so many grand ideas.  I am going to do this and then do that and oh wait, I want to do that too!  Such grand plans I have.  A youtube channel for my bird?  Why yes, I have one!  One for my dog?  Yup, got that too!  Exploration Youtube?  ~snorts~  Of course I have that too!   So I have bits and pieces of ideas and grand plans laying in a pile around me.   It gets unwieldy and hard to navigate around all of these grand plans.   So it's time to back away and maybe even delete a few to clear the head space around me! 

* Finish Projects!  I wrote about this a few posts ago where I was soul searching and vowed to work on some of these projects to get them done.    I have started to make some progress on some of these projects.  SLOW progress, but progress.  I pulled out the lonestar quilt and and I have been working on piecing that.  I have been working on editing and getting a few writing projects closer to completion.  It will be a slow process, but I am working on it!

* The last thing that I'm doing is technically starting a new project....but I think it is a worth while one. So worthwhile that I am willing to add something versus pare down.  And that is a 365 project.  And more specifically 365 pictures in 365 days.  A picture a day!  I did this for about 2.5 years about 10-15 years ago and LOVED the process!  Some days it was a chore to find something worthwhile to photograph.  And I will admit that there were a few days where my pictures were cringe worthy due to the fact that they were so uninspired.  However, it was an amazing experience.  I completed that project in the depths of one of the deepest and darkest periods of depression within my life.   Forcing myself to look at the beauty around me during my search for a photo opportunity was a good thing.  Because seriously, you have to look at the world in a different way if you are going to photograph it.  You HAVE to look for beauty.  

I thought about starting my 365 photos for 2025, but I was excited about the project and knew I needed to be FORCED to look at the world that way NOW and not wait until January 1rst.  SO I started on Monday October 28th!  Day two was actually a rough day as I was feeling BAD and I was downing Mylanta like they were the best ever candy!  I will talk more about that in a day or two....but for now, I leave you with the first four days of my photo a day project!

 

 

Jason brought me home flowers when he came home from work. 

I felt so sick, photography was the furthest thing from my mind!

                                I felt so sick, photography was the furthest thing from my mind!

This goofball dog!  I was taking crazy stupid pictures to send to a group chat with some ex-coworkers and Zoey had to get in on the fun!

I just saw the peppers still on the plant in the garden and realized how pretty some plants and produce really is.  So I snapped a picture, never thinking it would be my picture for the day...but I just really like how the picture turned out!