A Curse or a Blessing

 For the last few years, eight hours of sleep has been the elusive goal.  Some days it just happens naturally and it’s glorious!  But most days I am waking up at 2AM, 3AM 4AM and onward.  Weekends seem to be the worst, go figure!

Yes, I have pondered this horrible phenomenon and and I don’t like it one bit, yet it continues.  Drop the caffeine (again)…check.  Limit screen time before bed….check.   The problem is that I fall asleep like a trooper.  I’m out cold and sleep like the dead for a few hours.  But then the witching hour comes and I wake up.  If I’m lucky I fall back asleep…again and again until I wake up for good.  Some days though, I’m wide awake and I know that it’s useless, I may as well get out of bed versus toss and turn for hours.

Hormonal? I do know that some of those times I wake up stinkin’ hot!  So yeah, most likely hormonal.  But whatever the reason, it’s a curse.  Or maybe, just maybe it’s a blessing!

The blessing comes in with exercise.  During the work week our alarm goes off at 5AM.  Ungodly early if you ask me, but it is what it is.  Jason hops in the showier first and the best time to work in 40-45 minutes of exercise in my daily routine is while he is in the shower. The 45 minutes he is in bathroom are the perfect time to exercise.  I am not being interrupted by anything. It’s early and I’m not thinking about, let alone be ready to start laundry or empty the dishwasher.  I can get my sweat on, then when Jason is out of the shower I can start the morning routine stuff….and by the time he leaves I have cooled down and I can take my shower. (Nothing worse than sweating while you are IN the shower!)  it just works!   Well it works when it happens!

You see some mornings that alarm goes off and I just want to stumble to the couch and curl up for that 45 minutes….usually with gran plans to fall asleep (although that rarely happens). Those are the mornings I struggle with that 5AM exercise!

This week I vowed to exercise more regularly.  I have been doing so good.  Monday I nailed it at 5AM.  Tuesday I sweated my behind off!  Wednesday was a victory.  Thursday I conquered.  See, I was even smiling at 5AM when I conquered it!

And then came today…Friday.  It is 5:55 as I write this and I’m laying on the couch….and have been laying on the couch for roughly fifty four and a half minutes.  I did not exercise!  So what happened, I was going for broke with a perfect week?

The answer finally hit me this morning as I lay here.  On the mornings that I wake up and I’m awake before the alarm, that 5AM exercise comes more easily.   Even the mornings where I am in and out of sleep, exercise is easier to swallow.  It’s the mornings where the alarm jars me from a dead sleep that exercise is shoved to the back burner.  And that is the blessing of the sleep issues I have been having!  

I have grand plans for today.  I don’t want to mess up my perfect week.  Perfect being  hitting the goal of 5 days of exercise.  Seriously, it’s day 5. I’m so close to ‘perfection’.   I have a couple options…I could try to hop on the exercise bike at some point…on breaks if it doesn’t rile the dog up too much.  Or I can exercise right after work.  I am vowing to do one or the other.   I’ve made this vow before though…and usually fail miserably! But surely I can do it one day…right???

Soul Searching

There sometimes comes a point in life when you start to think about where you are, what your life is and where your life is going.   Lately I have been in one of those introspective moods.   I don’t have the answers.  I don’t know how to ‘do it all’ but I know I have to make some changes because otherwise I will remain stagnant!  Stagnant is not thriving at this thing called life. 

So what is the biggest thing that I have been pondering in this de-stagnating of my life (is de-stagnating even a word?)?    Finishing projects.

I have so many ideas.  Plans flow freely.  I have so many grand plans!  I start things.  But then life happens.  I’m tired of unfinished projects!  It is time to knock some off those things off the pile and finally finish them. 

Canal Boat Cats - Years ago, like 20 years ago I wrote a kids book.  It kinda started as a whim but then a few people read it and encouraged me to actually do something with it.   One big supporter of this idea was a friend of my mom’s who was a third grade teacher. Every time she saw me she asked me if I had done anything yet.  Yet I haven’t done anything.   My biggest hold up?  It’s not illustrated and I am so not an artist!  I tried to play a bit with doing something on canva…but I don’t know!   

Lessons Learned - years ago (when I was at my lowest weight I started to write a book about lessons I’ve learned about weight loss.  It is probably 90% written.  I stopped working on it heavily when I gained weight.  (But frequently reread and edit).  I feel like I have to lose the weight before I can do something with that.  Maybe that’s just my fear talking though.

Tales from the Scales- a collection of often hysterically crazy (seriously, I toasted a mouse),  sometimes  times victorious, and frequently embarrassing stories about my adventures losing weight.  

Digitizing pictures- I was working heavily on digitizing my family pictures.  I got sidetracked when my computer started acting funky and it was just more annoying to use my computer!   It eventually died and I recently got a new one!  So I am back on that project!  I think I still have a few boxes of pictures at my parent’s house….so a ways to go!  The scanning of the pictures though isn’t bad except that my office looks like a photography studio blew up scattering pictures everywhere!  :-)    Scanning is a mindless task, so I do it while at my desk during the day. 

Speaking of my family.  I also took on the task of organizing mom’s recipes.  We found hundreds recipes throughout the house!   I have plans to put them in book form…so that is in the works.  That one is in my head though….for the moment!  The recipes however are digitized! (Well there is a pile of recipes that I’ve looked through and can say definitively that mom never made them!)

The Lone Star Quilt-   I started a lone star quilt a while back.  I am hand piecing it.  It’s more time consuming to hand piece, but easier because I can have work on it anywhere.  I don’t have to have a sewing machine out.  It just works better for my life.   However about two years ago we got a puppy.   And my quilt had to be temporarily put away .  Yup, it’s still away!

I grabbed dad’s ties with grand plans to turn them into a quilt.  So I have a bin of ties.  Hmmmmmm

So many plans. Too little time!  Yes,  time is an issue!!    But I want to clean up some of these projects.   Even that lessons learned.  I want it finished even if I never publish it!  I want the projects finished.  They are hanging over my head.  I don’t know that I would say I’m overwhelmed, I’m excited about the projects.  I’m just overwhelmed with the lack of time to complete them!   And I’m making a vow…when I get caught up, it will be one project at a time!!!  (I’ve said this before though!)

No matter what happens with these projects, I need to  strive and push forward!  Sitting back and saying there is not  enough time to finish anything has gotten me nowhere!  It’s time to move forward!

Back to the Grind

 It is always a tragic event to go back to work after a vacation.   I don't believe that I have ever said, "I'm ready for vacation to be over and to get back to work!"   No, I may say "I'm ready to be at home again and back to a more normal routine," But not back to work.  Yet back to work I went this past week!

First week Post Vacation

Luckily this week was mostly mundane.   I would rather have been still on vacation, but that isn't the way life is for me.  I must work to pay for the pets!  (Ok, and my mortgage, gas for the cars, food on the table.  You know those little things in life).    

Work was pretty basic.  I got to put together a video 'all about me' for work.   I actually will probably upload it to my YouTube channel, because it just makes me smile!  I will link it here when I do.   But other than that, basic and nothing too stressful.

Outside the weather was crazy.  The last day of vacation it was in the 80's and stinkin' hot.  The next day it was cold!   We even skirted with some frost!  SO with that said, I stripped all the tomatoes from the plants.  I breaded them and froze them for us to have fried green tomatoes this winter.  Jason loves fried green tomatoes.  We also dug up our sweet potatoes.  We had never grown sweet potatoes and we were not sure what we would get from them.   Well we had 4 plants....in 15 gallon grow bags in our backyard (the deer annihilated the 4 plants that we had down in the garden).  We got about 35 pounds of sweet potatoes.  So the problem?   One sweet potato is actually over 7 pounds by itself.  We will be eating sweet potatoes for days with that sucker!  Luckily, I do like sweet potato so will feast on those leftover for my lunches!  We did a few other things in that garden and picked a bit more produce.   Closing down the garden for the year!

I do think the animals were happy to get back to a routine.   Mertz hangs out in my office most of the day and she always spends a fair amount of time on my desk while I work.  She missed out on that one-on-one time with me while I was on vacation. (There is a gate at my office door and the office is off limits to Zoey!)   Zoey also seemed to enjoy being back to 'normal'.   During our vacation we were always here, or in and out and taking he with us places.  Which is fine and good except that she typically sleeps all day long! (and all night too)   Just a normal weekend and she is whipped by Monday and so lethargic and tired on Mondays until she can rest up.  So the 11 days of vacation 'pert near' killed her!  hahaha  So she slept the first few days away!  But no fear, she always woke up in time to wait for her daddy!  Yes, she demands to go outside at least a half hour before Jason gets home and she just sits there and stares!

Weight Loss after Vacation

I returned back to work riding high on the knowledge that I had managed to maintain my weight over an 11-day vacation!   I knew how huge that victory was!  Seriously, previous years have showed much different results!   There was the vacation shortly after I reached Lifetime status with weight watchers, I gained 10 pounds in that week!  Three years ago, when we got married while on vacation, I gained 5 pounds....and we hiked every day!  I could reference vacation after vacation and almost without fail, I gained weight!   But not this time!   So yes, I was proud.  Yes, I was motivated!

I started my Monday riding high.  I started with exercise at 5AM!  I got my water ready, and I guzzled it all day.   I eat my salad for lunch, my banana for breakfast.  I was doing it! I stepped onto the scales on Tuesday morning.  (I have always weighed daily and noom actually encourages daily weigh ins).    My weight was up!  TWO FREAKIN' POUNDS up!   What the what?    I was disgusted.  I was discouraged.  I was angry!  But I didn't let it derail me....

I kept doing what was right.

I wish I could say that I exercised all 5 workdays, but that didn't happen!    But I got a few days of exercise done!   Something is always better than nothing!

I wish I could say that I didn't cave and have that pretzel after work each evening. (Yes, I ate a hard pretzel every day......not huge ones...but definitely not the tiny ones).  I wish that I could say that I ate less bread/carbs.  But I can't say those things.   I also didn't track my food religiously this past week.  But you know what, it's good.  I ate more intuitively and guess what?   The scales righted themselves and I am back to being at a maintain!  So that is a good thing!

I am happy with that for sure!

However, I don't want a simple maintain!  I want to lose!  I want my legs to not ache.  I want to not feel my body is going to break in half when I stand up.... or sit down.  I don't want to take the steps one step at a time like an old lady.  I want to lose...I want to regain my fitness level.  I want to thrive in this thing called life...and right now I am not thriving.  I am existing.  

So, while I'm feeling ok about my last week, I have lots of room for improvement.   I don't have big plans for this upcoming week.  I am simply planning on focusing on the basic things.  Exercise. Water. Healthy eating (which is a combination of number of calories and quality of said calories.)  Simple and easy.     Simple and basic, that's the plan!

I Am Proud

 

A few days ago, I posted about the cost of obesity and the emotional trauma that happens with one is obese.   Let me tell you, I had some eye-opening moments while we were on vacation. I may be shamed about how far I have allowed my weight to spiral.  I may be ashamed about how far my fitness levels have slipped, but I am proud of myself Even as I struggled over vacation with certain aspects of life as an obese person, I found reasons to be proud of myself.

 

** I am proud because I didn’t give up once, I am proud to say that while I was sore DURING the activities, I didn’t let it stop me and kept going through the aches and pains.

** I am proud because that  while I was so sore in the evenings, I never once contemplated taking a day off and ‘resting’.   Sure, I was so stiff as I walked that it looked like I was pirate with two peg legs, but I didn’t let up.  (Hey, I even have a bird so I really could have played the role of a pirate!)

 

**I am proud that I didn’t let my fears and insecurities at the Crystal Grottos turn me away from going on that tour.

**I am proud that I was able to manage the whole week (11 days actually) and kept my weight in the same 1-2 pound range.

**I am proud of myself for taking steps to ensure that vacation behaviors not carry into regular life.

 

I know that the simple answer to the emotional cost of obesity is to lose weight.  That solution couldn’t be more clear.  Lose the weight and those emotions, thoughts and behaviors will be eradicated.  Simple right?  The problem is that losing weight isn’t easy.  Losing weight isn’t fast.   And I’ve had a LOT of years of emotional upheaval due to my weight.  Working through these self destructive emotions are just as important as eating healthy and getting fit.  That is my goal.  Not just heal my obesity and fitness, but also the emotional damage.    So, lets get this show on the road!

Life as an Obese Person

 

Life as an obese person is not free. There is a price one must pay if they are obese and I don’t mean actual money.    Although; the cost of healthcare for obesity related illnesses is astronomical, that is not the cost that I am referring to.  What I am referring to is the gut-wrenching realization that your weight is once again inhibiting you from living your life to the fullest.   It could even be that split second when you have to think about your weight.  It is the panic that there will be a weight related snafu.  It is staying ahead of any potential 'fat trauma'. The financial cost of obesity may be high, but I actually believe that the emotional cost may be higher yet.

Jason and I just enjoyed a vacation.   We didn’t go anywhere special.   We slept in our own bed each night.   We spent some time around the house working but we also did a few little day trips to explore, get out and just have fun.   Even with all that relaxation and fun, I had some moments that stood out to showcase the rising cost of my obesity. 

I have already written about the first moments on my vacation that was a gut wrenching expose of the rising cost of my obesity.   That was when I talked about my diminishing fitness level.   Yes, walking around museums and racking up a whole measly seven thousand steps caused my legs to ache and scream in protestation.   Seven thousand.  Not seventy thousand.  SEVEN THOUSAND.   That is shameful!  It was embarrassing and it's utterly emotional for me.

The second thing that happened was the day we went to Crystal Grottoes. This is a cavern relatively close to us. It has been years since I have toured a cavern and I was looking forward to it.  We entered the building and I was standing in line to pay for our tickets while Jason used the restroom. My eyes fell to the signs giving guidelines.  The first item said “No large purses or backpacks.”  My mind immediately thought. “No Problem” but then I kept reading.

 

You see, they went further to give their reasoning as to why they didn’t allow backpacks or large purses.  The reasoning was because there were tight passages and backpacks would be in the way.  Immediately I began to worry.  What was I worried about?   If you are obese, you probably know where my thoughts had gone.  I was worried that I would be too big for some of the passages.    Yes, I began to fret, internally; about being so big that I would brush the walls or worse have to take the fat man’s route through the tunnel.    I didn’t let on that I had this internal dialogue rolling through my head and I was able to calm myself down when I thought about the fact that they didn’t say anything about overweight people, nor did the person taking my money seem anything but pleased that I was visiting.  And yes, it was all ok and I did enjoy the tour.  But the fact that I had that dialogue in my head is sobering.  It’s the emotional cost of obesity.

 

I can’t even tell you how many times this has happened in my life.  During school I worried about those blasted desks that had the chair and the tabletop attached, they are a tight fit for someone that is larger.   The same with some restaurant booths.  It’s a worry.  It’s a struggle.  It’s an uncomfortable fit sometimes.  Finding clothes that fit and yet look decent while covering my body in a sufficient way is another one.  I’m always worried about my shirt riding up and exposing my belly (which we all know would cause the world to stop spinning right?).   Eating out, especially at a buffet strikes emotions because you feel as if everyone is looking at the ‘fat girl’ to see what she is eating!  What about the fact that my mind is constantly searching for potential embarrassment.  When I find something I preemptively made a disparaging remark about myself and my 'fatness'.  You see, it's easier to make fun of myself then it is when others make fun of me.   I could go on and on about the emotional costs.

 These are just the icing on the cake in a world of obesity created emotions and fears.  It pervades every aspect of life.  It seeps deep into your bones.  It is a world that is foreign to anyone that has never lived this life.  It’s not pleasant. It’s not fun.  It’s just …….life as an obese person.