Grief rears it's Ugly Head

 Last week was a rough week for me!  It was tough in more than one way.  It was difficult for my emotions and it was also difficult for my health journey.  

The health journey was difficult.  I joined Noon a few weeks back and had great success my first few weeks.  And then "BOOM" my weight loss stopped!  It stalled and here I sit again not losing and yet trying!  It is so frustrating.  I feel as if I hitting a brick wall and can't break through!  I know a few things.

    * I struggled with exercise.  I honestly planned on exercising each and every day.  First thing....at 5AM.  Yet most mornings I stumbled out of bed and headed to exercise and kept moving right to the couch!  My window of time to exercise is the first 45 minutes I"m awake.  After that, It gets more difficult due to other extenuating circumstances.  GRRR   It' been difficult!  I keep say I am going to exercise after work, or on my lunch break or whatnot.  But life happens and exercise doesn't!

 *  I kept my eating in line with calories.  But as I have been reminded via Noom, all calories are NOT created equal.  I have been trying to eat healthier foods.  More veggies and more fruits!  (thus the accidental overdose of a week or so ago).   I have seen more of the 'orange' calories in the last week or two.  Just as a side note, with noom they break a calories into three groups (or rather all foods into three groups).  The green group...which is your fruits and veggies....eat those as much as you want (but don't overdose on fruit like I did).  Then you have your Yellow calories.  These are things you can have but don't go overboard with. (whole grains, low fat dairy, etc)  and then you have your Orange foods.  These are things that you can definitely still have.....but do it in moderation.  (Things like butter, ice cream, cakes, etc).  So a lot more orange foods were creeping into my daily food intake.  And I wasn't eating crazy....but a pat of butter....a splash of olive oil...the veggie dip that was not low fat.   It added up!

Luckly, I haven't gained.  I'm just sitting stagnate and not losing!

The second big thing that made last week rough was the fact that I had a day off.   Yeah, I know.  A day off shouldn't be difficult!  But it was.  I get a lot more vacation time than Jason  and it is use it or lose it time.  So I end up taking vacation days randomly throughout the year.   Typically on these days that I have off where Jason is working, I have spent them with my mother.  Before her stroke I would drive up and we would go shopping, go out to lunch, just roam around and have a good time.  Once she had her stroke, I would still use the days off  to spend with her but I would spend the day with her in whatever nursing home hospital she was in.   At the end of last year, I had a health scare and that necessitated a bunch of medical tests and doctors appointments.....which filled up those days off.   Last week, I had my first day off that wasn't filled up with medical tests since my mom died.  It was horrible. I dreaded it all week long.  I cried and missed mom more throughout the week as I moved toward the day.   I made plans to occupy my time, but it wasn't the same.  I was still alone without my mom.

I am not going to say that I didn't have a good day.  I forced myself to get out and stay busy.   I spent my morning exploring.  I went and drove through (and walked around) the James Buchanan Birthplace State Park.  I did not linger, I had a really sketchy feeling about being alone in that out of the way deserted park.  

 

 After leaving the James Buchanan Birthplace State Park I headed to the Conococheague Institute.   Jason and I had visited there about two years ago, right after we moved to Pennsylvania and we did the free self guided tour, which was all that was available to us that day.   This time I went back because every First Friday of the month they offer guided tours which include the inside of the houses.    I had an enjoyable time...even in the midst of my grief.

 

I went out to eat by myself.  I even went to the local historical society to try to do some research on the caves /lime kiln that is in front of my house. (they were not able to help much).  I kept myself busy, but it was an emotional day.   

Hopefully, my next solo day off will be a little easier.

So yes, I had a rough week.  However, I'm not down for the count.  I am still working on living a healthier life.  I'm not giving up!  As for the grief and the day alone with out mom.  I will have another one in a week or two.  I know it will be hard but theoretically it should get easier....right?