Disappointment

The last week had been full of disappointment and frustration for me as I journey through this effort to lose weight. It’s been a one two punch for sure!

Late last  week I was out picking berries.  I had the dog with me.  She was hooked into a lead that I have set up down in that area of the yard.  All was going well.  I was paying attention to where she was and watching the location of the lead/long leash.  I have been clotheslined by her before.  It’s not fun!  (I had a bruise around my ankle and it looked like I had tried to strangle my ankle to death.)    So being mindful, when she moved in one direction, I hopped over the lead to avoid being caught.   I made it over, but the line got stuck in my sandal.  The dog wasn’t aware and kept going.  I remember my foot in the air being pulled as I tried to shake it off.   And then I went down.  Hard.  On my left side. It hurt and actually brought  tears of pain to my eyes. Fror  a few seconds, I thought that I was seriously hurt. But I was able to move everything and get to my feet.  The dog came rushing to my side. Awww how sweet, she wanted to help, right?  No, she sniffed at me once and then she decided to feast on the bowl of berries that I had dropped.  Because yes, she picks them up off the ground under the tree, but she PREFERS to eat them from my bowl or from my fingers!  Once on my feet, and with my berries once again protected from the dog, I actually was able to continue picking berries.  I figured I would be sore as all get out the next morning.

The pain the next morning wasn’t any worse.  It was just a dull ache when I used my arm.  As a few days passed,  I didn’t even notice it anymore.   That is until this morning.   I made a vow to exercise at least 3 times each week.   I only had one for this week, so I started a walking workout routine this morning (YouTube is great for workouts!)  this one apparently had me moving my arms a lot more than the first one for this week.  Half way through the workout I found myself clutching my shoulder/arm.  Not good.  I toned down the arms and got through my workout.  But now I am in pain just sitting here.   Seriously, this hurts worse than it did in the first day or two after I fell!   Frustrating!

And of course a picture of the berry snatcher.

Of course I remain frustrated at the fasting experiment that I did the other day where I fasted 24 hours and gained a pound! (You can read that Here !)   The pound did not come off.  In fact the scales went up again the next day!   Frustrating

Yes the scales went up the next day too.  By 11 pounds!   Yes, you read that right. 11 pounds!  At that point I was pretty sure that what I had been suspecting was right.  What had I been suspecting?  I had long suspected that my scales were going bad.  My weight was all over the place.  3 pounds up, three pounds down, 5 pounds up.  All within 2-3 days (or less).  That has never been the case for me. I have always been able to identify why my weight was up…or down…or whatever.  But I chalked it up to being in my 50’s.  Hormones you know.   Adding to that though, was the fact that I would step on the scales and the scales would bounce around for up to a minute before settling in its chosen weight.  Half the time I would have to try two or three times because it would give me an error message.  I thought I was just moving around, or the floor was not level.  Or something.  But with the gain of 12 pounds in  2 days, with a one day increase of 11 pounds. I knew that something was wrong!  I mean, one of those days I fasted and the next day I ate about 1400 calories. There was no way!  

So I went out and bought a new scale! I prepared myself.  The scales would probably weight me differently.  I decided to not worry about any gain I saw and just take the new number as a fresh start in June.  And let’s be honest, I was hoping for a loss with the new scales!    Considering that I started this whole post with the line that it has been a week of frustration in my weight loss journey, I’m sure you have already figured out that it wasn’t a loss!  No, it was a gain.   A big one!  So the amount of gain is depending on how you look at it.   If you don’t include the 12 pound gain from the old scales and go back to my pre fast weight, I gained 20 pounds!  (It was about 10 pounds up if you include that 12 pound gain that I experienced).

Demoralizing. Frustrating. Disheartening. Heart breaking. Disillusioned.  

Yes, all those words and more describe how I feel.   I was so happy because I was seeing my weight drop.  I was getting closer to my first goal.  (To be the same weight I was when I met Jason.)  I was killin’ it!  And then in one fell swoop I was 20 pounds heavier.  Instead of being 10 pounds away from that mini goal I was now  30 pounds away. It was enough to make me want to sit and sob.

I know, I know,  my weight the same as it was before the new scales and I didn’t really giant weight and it is just a number.  My losses from May are still effective.  And I know intrinsically that had I not lost 7 pounds in May that it would show me even higher on the new scales.  I KNOW that my efforts were not for naught.   But it sure does feel like it!

It’s been hard for me to wrap my head around an instantaneous weight gain of 20 pounds or shall I call it a recalibration.  Either way, it’s been hard for me to wrap my head around it!  I feel beat down.  I mean.  60 pounds to lose is bad enough…80 is just horrible!  

I haven’t given up. I’m still doing the 16:8 fast.  I’m still keeping my calories at 1400 or less.  I’m still trying to limit my carbs.  But admittedly, my heart hasn’t been in it this week.