I honestly didn’t mean to stay away for so long after my last post. I realize that doom and gloom and a post talking about depression followed by a period of silence is not very comforting to anyone. I know it and I honestly thought about writing a new post so many times! But I just couldn’t find the time and/or energy to get it done!
These feelings suck. Years ago when I was battling these depressive demons, I wrote in my private journal (good old fashioned paper and pen…and yes I still have one of those going) about how I felt as if I was backed into a corner with high walls all around me with no way out. Back then I was trapped in a bad financial situation, stuck in a marriage that was not at all healthy and I was struggling with my weight (amongst other things). I couldn’t see a way out and it led to depression then also. And that is exactly how it feels now just different life issues. The walls seem super high. They feel insurmountable. I feel trapped within events in my life.
That said, in the last two weeks I sat back and thought a lot about that previous bout with these depressive feelings. Way back then, I actually adopted a mantra, a belief. And that was, ‘I can’t do anything to change some situations in my life. So what do I control?’ My answer was not much. BUT, the one thing I did have complete control over was what food went into my mouth. No one was forcing me to eat food that was not conducive to a healthy weight.
So I took control of that one thing. I started to really care about what I ate. It was my little slice of control. Slowly that control built confidence within me and I was able to stand up for myself and I started to go to Zumba (believe me when I say it was a battle to get there as my ex husband sensed his control slipping and he dug in when I tried to start.). I became an exercise machine and the confidence grew even more. Even more crazy than the confidence was the fact that those insurmountable walls started to crumble. Some of them I was able to climb over, others just crumbled away and became inconsequential. It wasn’t overnight but it happened. And it started by me taking control of the one thing that was possible!
This bout of depression has a different set of life issues (thank goodness for my husband Jason who has stood by me and loved me through this). Some of the issues will most likely eventually rectify themselves on their own. Others will need a solution and I have no clue where or how because I have no control. But right now instead of dwelling on what I have no control over, I am going to work on controlling that which I can control. It won’t be easy, but I’m determined.
So enough is enough. It’s time to take control of my eating! It’s time to stop fiddling around and get myself in gear in Regards to my weight! I’m done with not tracking my food, with no exercise, and with feeling miserable. It’s time to take control of my weight. And it’s the first step to taking control of my life!
