I'm not giving up! No way. Now how. Not gonna do it!
I'm feeling overwhelmed by life right now. I feel like I am being pulled in so many directions. I know some of it is my own doing. I mean, I don't have to maintain my youtube channel. I don't have to even post three videos a week. I had taken a break and when I came back after my hiatus I had said "well just one a week". But that just grew. I enjoy doing it and it is good accountability....but it takes time. Of course writing here on this blog/website is non-negotiable also. This is my place to vent, to share, to be accountable. To focus on where I am in my journey! But I have so much else pulling me in so many directions and I don't know how to squeeze it all in! It sometimes just adds to the stress.
I woke up this morning and immediately my mind registered that it was Wednesday. And I groaned and said (to myself as Jason was still asleep), "I hate Wednesdays". Why do I hate Wednesdays? I hate Wednesdays right now because it is a super long day for me and I usually end the day in tears, heartbroken and just an emotional mess. Why is it so long? It is a typical day that starts at 5AM and is pretty much non-stop all day long." The difference on Wednesdays is that I go visit my mom. When I take that onto my day, it just makes a long day. Honestly, the long isn't the worst part. The emotional battle is the worst.
You see, my mom is in an assisted living home. She had a stroke back in July of last year. Her rehabilitation has gone slowly, and she is still incapable of walking on her own....or even alone with the help of a walker. She needs someone beside her when she stands and attempts to walk. She has come so far from where she is...but is still nowhere near being capable of living with any semblance of independence. Watching her with her lost mobility is bad enough but no where near as bad as it is. You see, after the stroke we were forced to face what I had suspected even before she had her stroke. We have been confronted that mom's mental capabilities have diminished. Much more quickly after the stroke of course. (Or maybe she just became incapable of hiding it after the stroke). Before the stroke when I spent time with her I noticed her memory was not there. She was struggling with basic functions. You don't want to face the truth...so when I mentioned it to family members, we all just agreed that she was getting older and that she didn't have to be sharp as a tack and remember everything.
After the stroke she was still doing really well. She was sharp, maybe a bit forgetful but nothing that made us sit back and panic. It was a few months after the stroke that she started to really show signs of diminishing mental capabilities. By December I mentioned my birthday was coming up and she had no clue what day my birthday was. In January she introduced me to one of the aides at the assisted living facility and told them that I was 37 years old. Now I wish I were...but no, I am 50 years of age! My brother has apparently been told that he is 34 years old (interestingly enough that makes me the oldest child now I guess). She has days where she is clear and doing well. But other days she is just whacky in the head. It's heartbreaking to see. We hope to find a valid diagnosis for what is happening...and that there is some solution. (she has some other issues going on that indicates that it may be something neurological). But until then, I (we ) deal with the heartache of watching her decline.
Add that to the financial strain we have after having Jason off work for so many months (immediately following the purchase of our house...) and I'm super stressed!
I haven't sunk back into a depressive state again. But I can feel the tug. I think my salvation right now is my daily exercise and that fresh air and sunshin (today was too cold though) that I get when I take Zoey out for her walks on my breaks. As much as it makes my day more hectic, it is probably a good thing for MY mental state!
In the meantime, I am pushing foward and working to not let the stress derail me from the healthy path that I have chosen! I am conquer this weight....even with the stress!
