Juggling the Balls of Life

Over the years, I have written pretty openly about my weight loss journey.  I have alluded to other aspects of my life, but it hasn’t been until recent years that I really started to share more and more aspects of life.   In the last year or so, I have mentioned my emotions and mental state a bit more.

I talked about my feelings a bit back in July of last year in this post where I talked about everything going on and how it was overwhelming to me.  I talked about being a mess for a few days.  What I didn’t mention was that the few days were more like a month of battling tears, anxiety and depressive feelings.   I knew that my feelings were all situational and that when things with my job and everything else straightened out that everything would right itself.

Life started to get back to normal and I slowly started to feel a bit more ‘normal’ and not quite so sad and upset That didn’t last long because by the end of November I was writing about a panic attack that I had.  I just couldn’t get a break.   I pushed through everything and kept going.   These feelings would fade, right?  

It’s been over a year now since I first started to allude to these struggles.   Some of the situations have righted themselves but they just created new ones in their place. My insecure job from last July became secure again….for three months then it became insecure again for another 2-3 months.   Then it became secure but my new team/position is highly stressful and made worse because I am learning the job but expected to know it all irregardless of the fact that I just joined the team. And that is just one of my life examples.

I am struggling.  Big time struggling.  Tears are always just beneath the surface. I am struggling to put one foot in front of the other.  Life is just hard right now.  The other day I came up with the perfect analogy.  I am like a juggler, juggling 24 balls in the air, but I feel as if the balls are all falling to the ground.  I pick them back up as quick as I can and recommence the juggle but inevitably they fall  back to the ground as I fail.  Kind of ironic since one of my biggest fears is the fear of failure. 

Seriously, I feel as if I. am even failing as a dog mom.  Sure, the dog is walked for potty breaks, the dog is fed.  She is loved.  But she and I are in a battle for dominance and while I jokingly say out loud that it’s neck in neck, I honestly think the dog is winning.    (This is a big Newfie trait …the battle for dominance as a puppy, the selective hearing,…and this stage goes from 6 months to up to 3 years of age. Once we get past this stage, we should have the ‘gentle giant’ as adult newfies are known).    Have you ever tried to control a 90 pound stubborn dog/puppy that is fighting your authority?      

I’m obviously failing at weight loss.  Sure I’m slowly trending down…but I’m not setting the world on fire with weight loss.  I mean, at this rate I may reach my goal….in about 10 years.   Take your pick, am I winning or failing?  

Tears are constantly just beneath the surface as the balls that I’m juggling drop again.   I’ve tried to pare down to the bare minimum life responsibilities.  I’ve cut extraneous things (quilting, dollhouses, YouTube, etc) to try to ease how  overwhelmed I’m feeling.  But nothing is working.  I’m  struggling.   I feel like it’s been ages since I actually laughed, a real laugh.   I worry that my depressive mood will drive a wedge between Jason and I.  Our relationship is ok and is thankfully NOT a cause of stress…but the worry that my feelings and depression  will harm it and just causes me more panic.  

I’ve been so depressed and 

I don’t have an answer or a solution. And honestly this has been a difficult post to even write to really out my feelings and struggles  out in the open.  But this is life.  This is part of my weight loss journey.  (Stress eating at its finest the last two mornings with homemade pancakes.)   I’m not giving up though.   I’m going to keep posting here.  I’m going to keep trying to lose weight and continue to try to push through this sadness.   I’ll make it through this storm cloud.  The sun will once again shine on me.  

Overwhelmed and a bit of dreaming

​I am so overwhelmed with life right now that it is ridiculous.   I am moving by 5am every day and I usually don’t sit to relax until the last hour before I go to bed, and even that is interrupted with constant things to do.  I want life to slow down.  I want to have time to do fun things.   Yet somehow my time is sucked up with a gazillion other things!  I kid you not, I was deep cleaning the kitchen at 5am the other morning…it’s when I had the time.

So yeah, the quilt that I was so excited about making?  I haven’t had time to work on it in months!

And it’s sad because you can see that I have more than half of the lonestar completed!   Dollhouse stuff   I’ve been busy with that right?     Well no, none of that either.  The last thing I did was back in late December when I worked on the library. 

I’ve found a bit of time to read, usually in the middle of the night while I can’t sleep!  Or a random few minutes here and there.    I haven’t had time to create and edit a video for YouTube in ages.   I struggle to find the time to post on here.  I have a draft of my reading for the last 30 days..it has a list of books, but no reviews written.  No time!

Work has been crazy lately…which doesn’t help matters. I think it will continue to be busy for the unforseeable future, but hopefully the crazy will disappear!

I have been enjoying a period of freedom from weight loss.  I’m not hyper focused on tracking or monitoring or anything.  I’m cognizant of what I’m eating, but not obsessing.  That’s a welcome change after the last gazillion years.   I’m not gaining, and slowly (like really slowly) seeing the numbers on the scale start to trend down.  I need to get focused a bit more…but I’m happy with the lack of obsession!

So I’m here.  I’m not out of the game with weight loss, but maybe, I’m learning to eat intuitively?   Maybe?  Dare I dream?

Time to Get Serious

Life is getting real and it's time to get serious! I can see where I have been slowly shifting my thoughts and bringing myself around to some new beliefs.  It's been a slow process, but I can see where I've been and I'm starting to see where I'm going.

Weight Loss

I have been really low key with my weight loss efforts of late.   That doesn't mean that I have not been trying to lose weight  That does not mean that I haven't wanted to lose weight,   What it means is that somehow and for some reason weight loss has become more of an intuitive thing.  I am still cognizant of my eating habits.  I still think about exercise.  I still weigh myself sporadically (ok, most days).  I'm just for some reason not stressing about the different aspects of weight loss.  I track my food......some days.  I'm pretty happy to say that when I track, my calorie count is right in line.  Now don't get me wrong, I am still cognizant of trying to make better choices.  I am 100% still cognizant of my choices.  I am just trying to make better choice for my health.   For example, I could have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch each day.   Honestly, I would LOVE it!   However, I have decided that a healthier option is a salad.  Much more nutritious.  So I have been prepping a week worth of salads each weekend.  I'm setting myself up for success and I am just living life the best I can.

So how does this affect the scales?   Well, I have been weighing pretty much daily and the weight fluctuates pretty heavily, but I am seeing a change.  It's a slow change, but it is a change.   When I first started to watch, I noticed my weight was fluctuating between 5 pounds.....then I slowly started to see the numbers drop.....and the five pound range went lower.    Do I have an exact weight?  NO, I haven't set an official weigh in day.  But I know that my weight is 'trending' lower!   It's slow...but it's happening!

Finances

We took a huge hit financially when Jason was off work for 6 months.  It didn't help that during that time frame we had some very large expenditures. (car repairs, medical bills, and I had to have my cars re-titled and tagged in our new state, just to name a few).   We did what we had to do to make it through that period.  I wasn't really focused on finances, I was more focused on taking care of Jason and his injury.  As we have settled back into normal life again, my focus has turned to our finances and recouping our expenditures during that time frame. Our savings was decimated and yes, we ended up in debt.   We are now on a strict budget so that we can recoup our losses...it will take a while to get ourselves back to where we were.   But we are working on it.

So that brought me to the thought of a side hustle.  I desperately need a side hustle.  I honestly recently started to look for a second job.  However, I know that my current schedule is so busy as it is that a second job would be near impossible.  I could work a bit on the weekends, but then when does the yardwork, groceries, etc get done?  So, side hustles that I can do at home?   Any ideas????

Health

I am 50 years old.  I have been lucky enough to make it this far without having major health issues.  I want to keep it that way but I know that the more I abuse my body through my obesity and unhealthy eating that the odds of major health issues grows. So I am really trying to clean things up.  I'm trying to focus on health.   It's a slow change my lifestyle to simply think differently   But I'm determined to live the second half of my life in a healthy manner! This includes not only healthy eating and exercise, it includes the stress that so often overwhelms me.  It is learning how to deal with the stress, the panic and the depression that threatens me.  It is learning how to live healthy in all aspects.

No Regrets and a bit of Accountability

 ​Seriously, I ate it and I have no regrets!

We have been crazy busy the last few days.  I feel like a broken record when I say that. But seriously….   We knew that the weekend was going to be busy, and it was.

My Friday off was one whirlwind!  I got up early like normal and did all my normal morning things.  Jason left for work and I waited.  My mother in law was going to be picking me up at 7:30 and we were driving about 30-45 minutes away to visit a vent and dent store.  I had never been to this one and was excited to go.  We got back at about 11.  I took the dog out, fed her lunch and headed out to do my errands around town.  I got back from that and let the dog out for a bit and then headed out to see my mom.  I got home for good at about 5:45…just in time to start dinner.  

Saturday we had to run to about a half hour south to hit the banks.  (Really, we need to move our banking up to the area we live in!).  We got home and turned right around (after tending the dog) and went no spend time with Jason’s family. (His sister’s family was in town so it was extra special.)   Sunday…I spent a few hours super early making dog food and then we spent  time with my family.     

Sunday is where I ate it!   I caved and I ate a chocolate chip cookie!   It was super delicious too!   I have no regrets!   And I’m super proud because I WANTED a second cookie, but I only ate one!

Monday was a normal work day and Tuesday we had off for Independence Day! It was supposed to be our relax day.  But it turned into the work in the yard day!  We got some mowing done and I spent quite a bit of time at the compost pile. I spent some time turning two compost piles.  The easiest way to turn two 4x4 square piles that are about 2-3 feet tall is to just flip them into n empty area.  So that’s what I did!    This years compost is looking good!   I weeded and did some other things around the yard.  So our relaxing day turned into a yard work day!   But that’s a good sweat!

So now it’s Wednesday and it’s back to work.  It’s like  a second Monday…how yucky is that?  But this second Monday is also a Wednesday…so a hump day too! 

I have been weighing myself sporadically, getting more regular about it.  I’m not writing it down but I am cognizant of what the scales say.  It’s crazy how much the scales are fluctuating from day to day.  I realized this morning that the numbers seem to be slowly starting to trend lower.  Slowly.  But where two weeks ago my high number was typically ending with a 5…it’s now ending with a 0.   So it’s going down!

For the last few months I’ve been trying to figure out some accountability.  I’ve heard a few other people say the same.  So I started a Facebook group.  It is private…so everyone in the world will not be able to see our discussions.  But I would like to offer it up to anyone that is looking for accountability!  I would love to grow it into something that encourages us all to live healthy!

So feel free to join!   https://m.facebook.com/groups/924293735525106/?ref=share&mibextid=SDPelY