Confidence

​Even my dog senses my lack of confidence!   Seriously!    We have noticed differences in how Zoe reacts to each of us.   Jason sternly instructs her to stop or whatever and the dog meekly obeys.   I attempt to sternly instruct and she ignores me.   No, he hasn’t beaten her to put the fear of God into her or anything, she just chooses to ignore me sometimes.    I have learned that I have to literally get in her face, look her in the eye and make my voice as stern as possible to make her listen.   Yes, I know, Zoe is trying to exert her dominance….and my lack of self confidence makes it easy for her to win.   I don’t want an out of control dog, so I am having to force myself into a self confident being, at least when I am working with her.

Yes, I have known that while at one point that I have a self confidence issues.  Oh, I used to be somewhat confident and willing to try new things, put myself out there, walk with my head held high and all that.  But that confidence has wavered.  Ok, saying that it has wavered is putting it mildly.  It virtually became non existent.  Life just beat any self confidence straight out of me.   There was the great teaching debacle and the repetitive lackluster experiences in my career.    Then of course there was my  first marriage where my ex repeatedly showed me that I was worthless through his disregard for me.  (Isn’t that a nice way of putting it?).    I have had quite a few situations where people have worked to undermine any self confidence that I had managed to scrape together.  I have had numerous people put me down and constantly tell me that what I do is never good, I’m not enough, etc.  when possible I have actually purged those people from my life, sometimes it’s impossible.  And of course being obese sucks the confidence out of a person.

I know that the lack of confidence will grow when I lose weight.  It did before when I lost weight.  But in the meantime, how does one grow a self confidence?     It’s a vicious cycle, because I know that my lack of self confidence plays a part in my weight loss efforts.  It plays a huge part.   I’m constantly thinking, I can’t do it, it’s worthless to even try, I’m not worth the time, etc!   And that is the crux of the matter in my perpetual weight loss struggles of late.   Sure, temptations hit me (I’m talking to you cake) but if my self confidence and self worth were stronger it would make a huge difference in what choices I make.

I don’t have the answer….except to fake it until I make it.

Kick in the Teeth

​When life kicks you in the teeth it’s all about you you keep going.   I’ve written about something similar before when I have said , we can’t control what happens to us, but we can control how we react to it.   This past year has been a living testament to that saying.  It has been one heck of a year!

This past week we celebrated the first year anniversary of owning our house.    I could only laugh because a year ago it was about 512 degrees outside while we were moving!  (Ok, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration.)  This year the weather was sunny and cool!  I would have loved to have had the cool weather last year, but we  persevered and did it.  (It was the longest move ever as we literally took 2 months to completely move out of our apartment …we finished up the day before our lease was up!). The year anniversary caused my mind to reflect and look at the last year and it’s challenges and victories.

The challenges started with the move to our new house and the unending mowing duties.  I was so tired and exhausted I. The first weeks that I would literally sit on the couch and cry. On more than one occasion I was too exhausted to eat, and for me that is very telling!  That was challenge number one.    The challenges grew harder with my mom’s stroke, the fear about possibly losing my job (twice), Jason’s run in with an axe, the worry about him and then the ensuing financial battle as he didn’t work for quite a few months. 

I would like to say that I handled everything with grace.  I would love to say that I accepted every challenge with a pep in my step and an ‘I will overcome’ attitude each time.    Some challenges I totally nailed!  I accepted them and allowed greatness to happen.  The exhaustion from the constant move and the unaccustomed hours of yard work I totally rocked!   Sure I cried from the sheer exhaustion, but I kept going. And something amazing happened.   The pain in my body started to fade!   I got stronger!  What was difficult turned easy!  I stayed positive and I became a better person!

Like I said though, some of the challenges I struggled with. I have battled with depressive feelings this year as I have worried about finances.  Hello, we were down a paycheck for about five months and for about 6 months the longevity of my paycheck was in question.  I wish I would have taken those challenges in hand a bit better. Luckily it wasn’t a total failure on how I faced those financial challenges.  I stressed and obsessed a lot.  It would be in waves…sometimes I would be a nervous wreck and at others I would be ‘we got this’.  And I know that I probably drove Jason mad with my worry at times. But for the most part I allowed my fears and worries to rule my thoughts and actions. What could have happened had I not let the stress rule my life?

My mom has faced the biggest  challenge of her life this last year.   Life kicked her in the teeth.  She has fallen apart.  Life is all about how you react to things that happen  and how you go on. My mom failed.   My mom has chosen, yes chosen to focus on the negative.  In her way of thinking, there is nothing positive in her life and she makes sure she lets me know.  Visits with her are tough.  The constant negativity toward everything is emotionally taxing.  Because as I said, my mom has chosen to wallow in her self pity.   She has not realized that this experience where she is totally out of her comfort zone could transform her mind and spirit into something magical.    

Our first year in our house was rough, really rough.  I hope that year two will be better!   But I know that at the very least I will be confronted with the residual effects of the previous year (financial for one as we dig out of those mo the of half our income…months that were expensive due to medical bills…even with insurance).   It won’t be comfortable for me.  It won’t be easy.  But I have decided to accept the discomfort with grace and a smile on my face.   When  I’m uncomfortable and chose to accept it with a smile and positive attitude I will experience the magical moments of life!  Bring on the magic!

Is this all I Know

Another week has flown by.  Where does time go?   It's been eventful yet stagnant, if that makes sense.   I am feeling mired down in my weight loss journey, feeling as if my life is defined only by this weight loss  journey.  Maybe it's time to look more deeply at those feelings!

Busy Week

Where has the last week gone.   I added a new post last week and then I blinked and here we are a week later!   I honestly think that that older I get, the faster time flies!  I feel as if I have no time for anything and that I'm always on the go!  But that is the way it goes, I guess!

So, my week, what to say?  It was crazy busy as always.    I didn't have a car for a few days as Jason's car was in the shop.   The main thing not having a car messed up was my visit (s) to see my mom.   We got the car back on Thursday evening so I was able to recommence with my visits to her so all is well.

I used my time after work wisely.  I have been trying to split that time down between spending time with Zoe and with yard work.  I feel somewhat successful for the last week as I was able to get a few hours of mowing done in the evenings before Jason came home.  

On Friday I had a day off work. I got the car back just in time for a busy crazy day.  I started at my normal time at 5AM.  The early morning proceeded as normal but at 7:30 I headed out to see my friend.  She had lots of plants to divide, and I was the lucky recipient!  It was so good to see her.  She is a friend that I made whilst doing Zumba and it has been ages since we have seen each other!   I was with her all morning and got home just in time to take Zoe out for a potty break and a bit of a playtime outside and feed her lunch.   I was back out the door by 12;15. I had a few stops in the afternoon and my brother and I spent some time getting an old riding lawn mower to a repair shop.  (Maybe, must maybe we will have a riding mower to help us for a season or two......which would cut down on that 8 hours of weekly mowing!).  I came home and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening planting!  

Saturday, started the errands and groceries and a visit to see momand it was a rainy day so no yard work.   Sunday was the clear day so we were outside working.   And before I knew it, I was back to Monday and heading to work.   It will be another busy week as I have mowing to finish today after work.  I have a few more plants to get into the ground.  And weeds.  I have so many weeds to pull!  And watering...new stuff and potted stuff needs watered.   Summer is here and with summer comes the outside work! I am also committed to training Zoe.  She is a nut case!  She gets so super excited that it is ridiculous.  I have been working on her training here and there.  But I have made a commitment to really focus on a few different trouble spots and really work!   (Wish me luck!)  Plus of course a few nights of visiting mom.  So, another busy week!

Weight Loss

Really? I have been eating pretty healthy.  My calorie count has been spot on, I have been eating lots of fruits and veggies.  I've been drinking water. Exercise?  I am exercising religiously every morning at 5:30AM!   And yet my weight is refusing to budge!  What is up?   I'm incredibly frustrated. I'm exceedingly angered.  I'm disappointed with myself.

Could I tighten the reigns a bit more? Yeah, I'm sure I could.  But what I'm already doing should be causing me to have weight loss.  Yet it's not!  

I am still dealing with a poison rash.   I swear, I get new patches of poison almost daily!  It's like a never-ending nightmare!  LUCKILY, the whole body experience is mostly behind me.  The bulk of the patches of poison that covered most of my body are just scaly and dry, which indicates to me that they are on the way out!  The new patches are usually small and relatively contained.  (The other day it was between two fingers.....today the new spot is on my neck).   Could my body fighting off this poison be affecting my weight?   That is my only theory...so I'm going with it!

Weight Loss is All I Know

I have been writing about weight loss for a lot of years.  Seriously, I started this website/blog way back in the early days of 2006.  I have written over 2500 posts.  (This is post 2546).  I have talked about weight loss a lot.  I have been utterly transparent about my journey and my struggles.  Years ago, I started to write a book about my weight loss and what I learned.  (I have pulled it out and I have been working on it...it's mostly in the edit stage with just a bit more writing to complete).  I had started to compile a collection of my diet-ventures.   It is a collection of stories about the crazy things that have happened to me in regard to this weight loss journey.  Weight loss has become my life.  It's who I am.

But shouldn't there be more to me?  Who am I without weight loss? When I think about writing, it usually tends to go toward weight loss. Years back I started a youtube channel.  It was ironically started as a mountain bike channel....yet my videos tended to sound more like weight loss videos.  Rather quickly the channel became a weight loss channel.  Why?   Because that is what I feel most comfortable with.  Over the last 17 years,  weight loss has become my life. 

But shouldn't there be more to me?  Do I want my identity to be "the girl whose life is weight loss"?    How do I expand and become more because weight loss is all I seem to know after so long.   

Ridiculous I tell ya!

​I sometimes think my life is straight out of some looney toon cartoon!  Expect the unexpected is what I need to start saying in relation to my life!   This last week has been exactly that!   Rashes, car breakdowns, rain,  x crazy dog, etc.   ok, the dog is a puppy…so she is supposed to be crazy!  But otherwise, life has been nuts!

Rainy Weather 

So let’s start with the weather.    It was overcast and rainy for about a week and a half.  When the sun would shine long enough to actually mow, I would be working!   We even had hail three times…that I know about! (Picture of hail on the front deck below)  So the grass was growing like crazy!    

Yes, I know.  Rain and fast growing grass is be expected in April and May!  Thankfully, this weekend we had some sunny weather and we were able to get out and mow.   The grass was so long that we had to go much slower.  So what can usually be done in a combined 7 hours took about 9.  Fun fun!   But hey, push mowing is good exercise right?

Around the house we also got a few things planted.  My father in law put up some shelves that had formerly been in their garage.  And he started to build me a counter to fit into the great abyss.  My washer and dryer sit at a right angle to each other …not side by side.   That leaves a corner of space that I can’t access or use in the Landry room.  It is annoying because it’s not only dead space, but I have dropped stuff back there and have to contort…or move a machine to extract it!  So I had a grand idea of putting up a table/counter back there.    It’s in the works!   It is half built at the moment..:but it’s on the way!   I also got a plan in my head for a rocky hill that sits along the road.  Right now it is all weedy and overgrown (and an eyesore).  I have a plan in my head for how to turn the eyesore into something that at least looks like we care…if not is pretty!

Car Breakdowns

It’s the old car…the one that Jason typically uses to commute to work.  Last year , the car was giving us a warning light..and then up and died on the side of a highway.  The alternator went out.   The mechanic that we went to had the car for like two months and well…we will NEVER go back there due to some other issues.  But hey, the car was running.  Or was it.  We actually didn’t drive that car much in the next 6-7 months as Jason was injured….(you can read about the axe accident here).    He went back to work in late February.  And by mid April he mentioned that the light was flickering again….intermittently.   We took it to our new mechanic…and they ran all sorts of tests.  Drove it.   Checked the alternator.  You name it.  Everything was good.  The mechanic was like, we can put in a new alternator if you want.   But the mechanic went on to say, ‘honestly, if it were my car I would run that one until it goes out…then put the new one in.   So that is what we did.   This morning the alternator went out while Jason was on his way to work. …like he is quite literally waiting for the tow truck as I write this.

Car problems …yuck!!!

Poison

Last fall we had been working on cleaning the brush piles and all the overgrowth by our shed.  It was going smashingly (until the aforementioned axe accident).   Except….I picked up poison!  That was in lots of places on my body.   Like really? How?   I would be in misery for about three weeks and have a week or so reprieve and then boom…I would contract it again.   For about three months.  Then it was gone….no more poison…and blew side mi the of peaceful skin!   Until two weeks ago…back in the same area.  I was so careful!  Long  pants.  Long sleeves.  Gloves.  I was cognizant of where I touched my body …keeping my hands away from my face, etc.  and I scrubbed down with strong soap afterward.    Three days later it began.   And it spread.  And spread.   I seriously have poison just about Al everywhere!   I kid you not!  I think my feet are the only thing not affected!   I seriously have poison underneath my bra!   How????   I’m counting the days until this bout is history!

Jason luckily, is immune.   So I have made my vow that I will not be helping to finish clear that area.  He is on his own!   We try not to use poison since we have animals, but we have caved because we need this poison gone!    

 Fun fun!

Points Challenge

I started my points challenge on May 1.   You can read about the points challenge plan here.   It is going well.  I am adding up my points.  I know that there is room for improvement.  But it has also opened ky eyes to a few ‘problem areas’.  For example.  The first day I only earned 2 points for fruits and veggies!   That’s horrible.  So I have been really making an effort to rebuild the habit of lots of fresh fruits and veggies!  

So it’s working to help me bring awareness to what I’m doing on a variety of different levels!

Weigh In

So I restarted and got more focused on my health at the beginning of may.  I started my challenge.  I have been wracking up points.  How am I doing?

I have  no real clue.  I have hopped onto the scales once or twice.  However, I haven’t really paid attention to the numbers or what is happening.  Why?  I’m fighting a mammoth case of poison.  I am full of potions and lotions.   Medicine messes up and skews the numbers on the scale.  So I am just staying the course…the weight will drop and when this poison is behind me and my body can go back to normal, then I will find my weight!  Until then, carry on business as usual!

Emotions

I am battling some serious emotions and feelings.   This last  year had been wave after wave of depressive feelings.  It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions.  It’s been extremely difficult.  I feel like I’m pulling out of it and then I get kicked in the teeth again.   (Or at least it feels that way). I know that my emotional state affects my weight loss efforts.  And the reduced weight loss just plays into those emotions exacerbating some of the stuff that I am already feeling.  It’s just difficult!   I’m fighting it though.  I’m fighting the urge to just let myself sink into a depression. I’m gonna make it.

So that is the update on my crazy life.  I’m fighting for my mental health and my physical health!   I’m determined to win!

Love or Fear

I recently heard someone make a comment about fear or love.  It really made me think!   What was the comment? We make decisions based on one of two reasons.  Fear or love.  

People gravitate toward love…it’s the trait that draws people in.  It’s the trait that we need for ourselves to draw ourselves in and make us successful.  But I many times make choices based on fear.  

I can see how when I was making big choices out of fear how it drew people into my life that were predators.   People that used me.  People that had their own agenda and needed someone driven by fear so that they could fulfill whatever they were trying to do in life.  (Subconsciously or otherwise).    Over and over this happened.  I got married the first time based on fear.  Fear that I would never know love…never have a family and that I would be alone forever.    And look how that turned out.  (Divorced).   I had friends that gravitated to me…friends (or not so  much friends it turned out) that were more intent on their agenda and they needed someone that was making choices on fear…..because it gave them power.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that when I was divorced and in the dating arena that I was meeting straight up idiots.  I was making choices based on fear.   And it shouldn’t shock me that when I finally got the self confidence to make choices based on love, not love for another person, but love for myself that I met an amazing man…one that I now call husband. I wrote about the following  revelation in my book Frog or Prince (you can purchase it here) 

 

The real revelation though?  I wasn't until I stood up for myself and accepted myself as a single confident lady that I was ready to move on with my life.  It wasn't until I did the unheard of things.  I purged friendships that weren't healthy.  I found happiness in single life.  I stood up for myself with a bunch of dating losers.  I went on two vacations by myself.  (Vacationing by oneself invokes pity by almost everyone...but really isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.)  It is coincidence that I met Jason right as I made that discovery I had purged the people and booked the vacations and almost immediately we started to talk......I don't think it's coincidental at all.  I had to heal and make that major discovery so that I could go into a true loving relationship with a man while at peace and in love with myself.

But somehow, over the last years, I slipped back into the Maryfran of old.  That confidence that I found when I met Jason slipped away.  And I started making choices based on fear again.   My self confidence has taken another downward dip….and many of my choices are being made out of fear.

 

I’m not losing weight because I love myself.  I have been trying to lose weight because I’m afraid of the future if I don’t!    I have written on this blog so many times that the weight didn’t come off the first time until I learned to love myself.   I am worth it.   I am worth every ounce of time and energy it takes to make me even more awesome than I already am.  (And I need to start believing that I am awesome!) I am deserving of being the person that I want to be!

It’s time to love myself again!

 

My dog obviously loves me!