Plans for May

 April is almost done and I really have nothing good to say about it!   Well, at least in terms of my weight loss!  There were some good things that happened in April...just not with my weight loss efforts!

The Good

We have been able to start getting out and working on the yard again!   The property we bought was rented for quite a few years. Renters didn't do anything to better the property.  In fact, when tree limbs dropped, they must have apparently just pushed them into the closest flower bed.....and they stacked up.  There were rocks scattered everywhere...in flower beds, under trees, you name it  Rocks, we have a plenty!   We can envision the yard when it is back into great shape, but we also are realistic enough to know that it will take years for us to have the time (and money) to do what we want.  So last year we reclaimed one or two flower beds....and just maintained.  This year we plan on reclaiming a bit more and maintaining everything.   As we are reclaiming, we are trying to planT perennials.  It's more expensive now, but in the long run will save us so much time and money to not have to replant....to just maintain with some mulch some pruning/dividing and a little bit of weed pulling.  As spring rolled around, we started to work outside again.  It is very satisfying to see a brush pile shrink!    We fixed the back steps that were in dire need of help.  We enjoyed the time with each other...and our pets!   It wasn't a bad month.

The Bad

So the bad comes into play when I got a stomach bug.   I rolled into April strong!  I was exercising heavily.  I was drinking lots of water.  I was tracking every bite and eating within the confines of my set plan.  I was killing it!  Well, I was killing it for the first 2 days!   And then I picked up a stomach bug!   The bug threw me off my healthy lifestyle. I fell apart on almost every aspect of my healthy habits.  Water....what's that?  Tracking.......yeah right?   The ONLY thing I continued was my daily exercise.  I of course didn't exercise the week I was sick.  But the following week I was back at it religiously!  But everything else was a bust!

I ended the month at almost exactly the same weight that I started the month!   Disappointing....but I also know that's a miracle in itself!

The Plan

I had started the month of April with a plan.  A challenge for myself.  I was so excited about it.  It was a points value system for myself to compete against myself with.   Every day I would earn points.  Everything I did that was healthy would earn me a point..or more.   Every day, I would just need to better my number..compete against my previous day!   Compete against my previous week.   Compete against myself to keep earning more and more points. (the original post can be found here)

I am planning to restart this challenge and I'm excited about it for sure!

So the points system...

Weight - I earn one point for any loss or maintain on my weekly weigh in day. (only one point per week)

Track -  I can earn one point per day - just for tracking my food and my efforts

On track eating - I can earn one point per day for eating within the confines of my set eating plan

Water -  Every 10 ounces of water I drink I will earn 1 point.  If I have a "bad day" and only drink 20 ounces....it's not a failure because I still earn 2 points.  But the days that I drink 70 ounces....well, I earn 7.  (drinking water is easy points!)

Fruit and Veggies -   Quite simply I can earn one point for every fruit or vegetable that I eat.   Once again, I am celebrating the ONE serving I ate if that's all I ate.  But I am killing it with lots of points if I eat 6 servings!

Exercise-  I will earn 1 point for every 10 minutes of  cardio or strength exercise I do.  

Steps -  I will earn 1 point for every 1000 steps I take.

Yoga - (A new addition this month) - I can earn 1 point for a yoga session!  

We will always round down.  If I drink 59 ounces of water, it rounds down to 50 and I only earn 5 points....this should encourage me to take that extra sip of water to throw myself over the next milestone.  If I take 9800 steps, it rounds down to 9000 so 9 points. once again, by rounding down I should be encouraged to take a few more steps to get to the next milestone/point!

I'm ready to kick this weight in the teeth and knock it far far away!   April was a rough month, but I can make May amazing!

OUCH

​I am sore!    Is it sympathy pains or is it real soreness!  I don’t know but I’m cranking up the yoga!! 

Jason has been struggling with a shoulder pain that extends down his arm a bit.  He has been miserable.  It seems to be slowly getting better…but it’s been a long haul for him.   I swear, the guy can’t get a break.  First his foot and the great axe accident in October that brought mo the of pain and now this.  I knew it was bad when he said ‘I’m going to urgent care’.  He has a huge aversion to doctors!   So I’ve been worried about that.  But in the midst of talking to him he mentioned pinched nerve and I was like ‘oh, remember when I got that and it totally messed up my arm?’.    The urgent care told me it was a pinched nerve.  I struggled with it for a while and found that the best ‘medicine’ wasn’t medicine at all but movement…specifically yoga is what helped!   I did yoga religiously for a while…but then slipped up and stopped doing it quite so regularly.  So I recommended yoga to him. I’m 

The problem started a few days later when my arm started acting up….reminiscent of that pinched nerve pain.  Really?   I didn’t even want to mention it because it feels like I was trying to be an attention whore!   But honestly….I was struggling.  So I took my own advice and started doing yoga!

Then a few days later my trapezius muscle on the OTHER side of my back started to tighten up!  I had issues with that in the past also!   In the past the medical professionals had told me that I had a seized muscle in my back.  That pain was now back.   Really?  What is happening to me?

So I honestly half way have wondered if I am having sympathy pains.  But then again, I know that it’s real pain.   What sparked it?  It could be trying to corral a 70 pound puppy.  It could be the immense day of yard work that I completed last weekend….which included moving a huge pile of rocks!  Maybe I just slept wrong!   But it doesn’t matter…my upper back is sore!   (Ironically enough it used to always be my lower back that got me….it has moved upward with age!).   So I am still doing my normal exercise stuff…but cutting down the time a bit so that I can fit in a 10 minute quickly yoga session for shoulders neck and upper back!    Fingers crossed that it will help me…and fast!

Diving Deep into the Why

I've been on a roller coaster in terms of my weight loss the last few weeks.  It has caused me to step back and I spent some time this week in deep thought.   Why do I self sabotage.  What is wrong with me that I can go from being so super excited one minute to shoveling food into my mouth the next minute?   There has to be some underlying issue.  What in the world?

So let me recap what has been happening.  I got a stomach bug which was no fun at all!  However, I managed to lose  pounds through that time and I was loving that! (You can read about that here.)   I was determined to get right back to my tracking and exercise and use the 5 pounds as a spring board to a fantastic loss for the month of April.  I actually spent the first day of my planpreparing and doing great!   That lasted one day before I totally fell apart.  I totally self sabotaged myself. (You can read about that, .here) 

I would love to say that I wrote that last post about self sabotage and turned things right around.  However, to say that would be a huge lie!   I struggled.  OK, let me give credit where credit is due,   I actually had one aspect that I didn't struggle with.   I exercised!   The first day was a bit lower  intensity (but Mondays usually are).   But I got right back into my exercise routine and for that I am proud.   However weight is not lost in the gym...it's lost in the kitchen.   And in the kitchen, I failed big time.  

In the past I would aways just say "I self sabotaged and move on.  But for some unknown reason this time I sat back and really started to think about what is wrong in my thought process that makes me subconsciously self sabotage my efforts.  

My first thought was the relationship I have that is a bit negative.  Of course my mind went there first. I touched on it a bit in this post.   Afterall, that, jealousy over what I did have,  and their own misery that they had at that point deeply buried within themselves.  Sure, the comments hurt, a lot.  But I was able to see that the comments really didn't start until I was in my late  teens, ramped up as I become an adult and really escalated when this persons life fell apart (about 5 years ago).    My weight issues began long before the negativity began and growing up with this person was actually full of love. (Even in the throes of the negativity, I know this person loves me.)   So if that wasn't it, what was it?

Was it my fear of failure? I touched on it in a recent post, but I have talked about it many times over the years.  I am afraid of failing.  I am afraid to reach out and grab my goals and dreams.  Why would I be afraid of losing weight?   I wear my fat as a coat of armor around myself.  I don't have success with some aspect of life....well then it must be because I'm fat!   I didn't get a job years back....and while I STILL feel that a large part of it was due to my weight , I know that I have used my weight as my excuse was to why I didn't get it. Instead of looking at realistically and with clear eyes, I blame my weight.  It's easier to blame my weight than it is to blame myself.  Once again, I'm sure that this has a bit to do with my self sabotage but again, this started in adulthood.  I once was fearless and confident and ready to face the world head on.......even though I was a fat woman.  So nope, the weight issues predated that.   So Back to the drawing board I went with a determination to try to figure this mystery out.

I pondered, I thought, I prayed.  I want to get to the bottom of this and fix myself from the inside out.  All week long I was thinking.  I kept coming up blank.  But throughout the week I started to think about friends from my childhood.  I'm sure some of it was triggered by the 'walk through the past' that I do with my mom when I visit her. (I pick a house that we lived in...or a church we attended...or a vacation.....and I dredge up memories and talk about them with mom.  Some days she is out of it and can not remember any of her own to share...but some days she jumps in and shares her own memories....which I LOVE.)    As memories surfaced in my head throughout the week I had a few fleeting nolstagic moments where I longingly thought about times where I was surrounded by friends, but I moved on.  It wasn't until about 203 days ago that it hit me......and once the realization came to me, it all made sense.....

I am an extrovert living an introvert life.....and I use food to fill the void.  

So let me go back to the beginning.  We lived in Johnstown (PA) and I had been in school with the same people for years.  I knew everyone.  I had friends at school that I spent time with in and out of school.  My dad's church had kids my age that I spent time with at church and out of church.  The neightborhood had lots of kids...so I spent a lot of time outside playing with people.  I was a healthy  (if not dainty) sized gal.  When I was 12 years old my family relocated to Brooksville (FL).  In one fell swoop I becamse the new person in school.  The outcast in a sea of people that had been friends since they were 5 years old.  Sure I made friends, but my friend base was very small....1 or 2 people. (I actually was friendly with everyone and had no enemies.  I could talk to anyone..but I remained on the outskirts of every social group...never really breaking in and making a lot of friends.  The church that my father ministered at was small and there wasn't really anyone my age.   As for people my age in the neighborhood, that didn't happen either.  I was cut adrift.   

 We moved north when I graduated from high school.  I ended up attending a Junior College which in my experience was not conducive to making friends. It was a continuation of high school for most people my age.  They were there with their lifelong friends.   The older people were already entrenched in their own lives.  Once again, I was friendly with everyone but it was an acquaintance style interaction.   My dad's church once again had no one my age...I was in this limbo age...the closest single person being 10 years younger and about 8 years old.  (I got some great babysitting gigs though!)    I transferred to a four year college for my  forged two years earlier.  But I fell into a good group of people and once again lived a life full of friendships and I loved it.

Graduation occured and I ended up back in the area where my parents lived.....with no friends.  Through my adult years things ebbed and waned in terms of friends.  I would make one or two friends at a time but then life would pull us in different directions.....and I would go back to being alone with few friends.  Right before the demise of my first marriage I had friends galore......it was awesome.  But then a divorce and change of circumstances and I was again left with very few friends.  

And that is the root of my problems.  As I said earlier, I'm an extrovert living an introvert lifestyle.  Once I realized that, it all made sense.  I was healthy sized until we went to Florida....and then I lost weight.  I turned to food as my friend when I had none and I gained weight.   

Most people go to college and GAIN weight .  I went to college for my Junior and Senior years and guess what?  I LOST weight.  I lost a fair amount of weight.  I don't know the actual amount of weight I lost, but I know that when I graduated that I was 2 sizes smaller! Coincidence?  

Before the demise of my first marriage I had lots of friends (some ended up not being friends....but that's a whole different story).  I was at my lowest weight!  

Over and over, I was able to see that when I was living a life full of friends I consistently weighed a lot less.  It's the periods where I am not surrounded by friends and people that I find myself weighing a lot more.   I fill the void with food.

I honestly don't know how to fix the problem.  Making more friends would be the most obvious.  hahaha.   But seriously.  I don't know for sure that this is the problem...but it all makes sense.  maybe just knowing why I"m eating will help me control it!  

And yes.....just writing this out makes me feel lame and sad.  But hey, this has never been a place that I hold back and don't express my totally honest feelings and findings.  

I sabotaged Myself

​I self sabotaged and I'm so disappointed in myself!  Why do I do these things?

In my last post I was so excited because I actually had lost 5 Pounds.  True, it was due to a stomach bug.  But seriously, I don’t look a gift horse in the mouth!   I was pumped because I was determined that I was going to make sure that I didn’t gain that hard won weight back!  I had a plan!  I planned my weekend and I was ready to see it through.   

I took a day off on Friday so that I could clean the house and get everything in line.  I was on the go all day!  I implemented my plan.  I prepared the food that I needed and I was doing great!   I was exhausted by the end of the day because I was literally on the go from 5AM until 7PM!    Zoe stayed in step with me all day…she was one tired puppy!

Saturday is where it went downhill.  I started the day with heading down the road to see my mom.  I started early and had my water with me.  I do intermittent fasting so I SHOULD have been good until I got home at 12-1!  I ran a few errands on the way there and I couldn’t get food out of my mind!   I wanted food….junk food!   Yeah, I ended up getting a McDonald’s breakfast meal.  (Bacon egg cheese bagel).   First of all…there was no way I was really hungry!  Second of all…McDonald’s?     In my mind I was thinking,  ‘all is not lost, I can not eat lunch and I’ll make up the difference’.  Ha!  Famous last words!   I ate lunch when I got home.  Of course I did!   Dinner was Five guys.  Seriously, one burger is my full daily allotment of calories!   Ohhh. And that healthy snack that I had prepared…it went out the window when we ended up picking up a cake from the store.  Of course I had cake!     Saturday was a bust!

Sunday was Easter.   I nibbled in the morning while I prepped.  I ate a full lunch.   And I was honestly stuffed when I was done.  I wasn’t hungry for dinner.  But did that stop me from having a ham salad sandwich and a piece of cake?  Of course it didn’t!

  What is wrong with me????

The weekend was tiring!  I was on the go for pretty much every second …from sun up on Friday until sundown on Sunday.   I’m telling you…the pup mirrored my energy!

It’s Monday morning.  I recommenced exercise after my week off due to being sick.   My exercise and energy was totally lackluster.  I know it!  Mondays are typically more rough…so I’m not panicked.  

I have to tally up points for the first week of April for my points challenge.    It was definitely NOT the week I envisioned when I planned my challenge.  But that’s ok.  I wanted to plan a challenge that would allow me to compete against myself and NEVER feel like a failure!  Beating last weeks number SHOULD be easy this week!!!

I wouldn’t recommend It

​I inadvertently tried a new weight loss plan this week!   It was quite successful!  However, I wouldn’t recommend it in the slightest!

I actually lost about 5 pounds this week!   Fantastic right?   I’ll take it!  And I’m doing my best to ensure that the weight loss remains and was not some fluke!   But let me tell you, I don’t want to follow that weight loss method again anytime soon!

What was my method?  I had a stomach bug.  Yes, I was sick.  The stomach ailment lingered too.  I got sick on Sunday.  Monday was really rough.  I tried to start eating on Tuesday…and managed to eat some toast.  A banana.  I think I managed all of three to four hundred calories.  Wednesday I think I ate all of 700 calories!    I am back to  normal eating…but still don’t feel quite right after eating….which is keeping my portions small.   I’ll take it!  Maybe it will help me get my portion sizes under control!  

So what havoc did the stomach bug wreak on my project 50 challenge?  I honestly thought about the challenge, but had no energy or gumption to do anything about it.   Some of the habits carried over.  Even though it wasn’t a lot, I actually tracked what I ate.  But other habits, went up in smoke.  I mean, there was no way I was exercising. I struggled to even get Zoe out to potty on some days!   I am not worried about it.   I’m working toward health and wellness….and being well sometimes means stepping back for a few days…or a week, and allowing your body to heal!   

What does this mean for my points challenge that was set to start on the first?   I am still counting my points.  That is the beauty of the points system.  I still did some things…just not as much as I would have normally done. But do you know what?  Those points I did earn are my most proud ones!!  The points system recognizes effort. I still lose…there is one point.  I still tracked every day.  There is a point.   I ate some bananas.  Point point point.  I did get some steps.  I mean, the first day I made it back to three thousand steps…that was a victory!   I earned those three points that day!   

So all is not lost.   It was a week of recovery.  I’m planning on diving in hard this next week!!!