Revealing a Wee little Secret

​When I wrote my last post, I talked about my colossal failure at the diet bet.  I talked a bit about the desire to lose weight but the struggle.  I didn’t talk about the good in my life. I also didn’t reveal a wee little secret.  Sufficient time as passed and it’s time to reveal.

So what has been happening in life?  Life has been flying at an insane pace for us for months on end. Searching for a house, buying a house, moving and settling in, mom’s stroke, mowing….mowing some more…and then mowing some more.  (Yes we are still push mowing….I still haven’t heard anything about my job and this we haven’t purchased a riding mower yet.   The end date for my team was supposed to be September 26th, but they pushed the date until October 14th.  So more waiting as they decide if they are going to move me to another team or lay me off. All my coworkers and even my manager have told me that my job should be safe due to my work ethics, productivity, etc…but still…that’s all speculation.) 

In late August I put my foot down and decided that we needed to start eking out a bit of time for us.  A bit of exploration.  A bit of entertainment.  A bit of something fun.   So in August, on Jason’s birthday weekend we took a day and went northwest to Old Bedford Village.  This is a living history village. History is always a win!

A week or two later we visited the Conococheague Insitute.  This is hands on, living history museum. Another history win!  And seriously, how many of us can say that they have literally stomped grapes?   I can..now!

We have also been getting out more and doing some geocaching.  That takes us to parks, historical locations and all around.  

Getting out and doing something fun and relaxing has really helped that ‘depression’ that I have been dealing with.

So I’m my last post I talked about how I had a colossal failure.  I was referring to my failed attempt to do a diet bet.  I had been talking to some coworkers and the need/desire to lose weight came up in the conversation.  One coworker talked about a diet bet and I jumped on the bandwagon.  Another coworker and I talked about the requirement of our insurance to either go through weight loss coaching or join weight watchers in order to get a lower price for health insurance due to our ‘undesirable weight’. I had mentioned to her that weight watchers had worked for me in the past and I may try it again.  In reality, weight watchers had worked really well the first time I tried it, with me reaching my goals and lifetime status.   I also had joined weight watchers right before covid shut the world down and I had been lstarting to see some success.  But when things went belly up I stopped the weight watchers.  I told this all to my coworker and then nothing else was said about it.  That is, nothing was said until the last day of August when she thanked me for that conversation.   She had been inspired to join weight watchers after that conversation 6 weeks earlier and she had lost 17 pounds already.  I was so happy for her.  Yet saddened for myself.  She had acted upon the conversation.  I had not (or rather I went with some untried method instead of going toward what had previously worked for me).   She had lost 17 pounds and I was sitting at the exact same weight.  (And our starting weights were almost exactly the same).  I was sad and frustrated with myself. But I didn’t dwell.  I joined weight watchers on my very next break from work.    I started immediately even though the weekend was dawning and weekends are difficult for me.  I started immediately even though I knew it would be extra difficult due to the upcoming long Labor Day weekend.  I started on the first of September.  I decided to do it secretly and tell no one (other than that one coworker). Thus, in my last post on here;  I just talked about my failure with the diet bet and not the new hope of weight watchers.  I needed to start it privately.   I have been so vocal about my weight loss efforts and failures on here…and in my YouTube channel (even though I haven’t posted there recently).  But I knew in my heart that I needed a private start before announcing it to the world.   I needed to do it without the pressure of anyone that reads this knowing.   Seriously, I told no one other than my coworker!  I didn’t even tell my husband.  I just quietly joined and started tracking and exercising.  I told him last weekend and I was also able to tell him that I was 5 pounds down.   And now it’s time to tell you.    So here it is… ‘I joined weight watchers and in the first two weeks I have lost 7.8 pounds’!!!

So how is that for a secret???? 

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Colossal Failure

I have seriously contemplated writing on more than on occasion.  Honestly, I think about it quite often, but then I stop because what am I going to say? My last post was so positive and ended up being a colossal failure.   I'm nowhere closer to being at my goal weight.  I'm just floundering.

So, let me start with the colossal failure.  In my last post I wrote about a diet bet.  I started so strong.  That week one I was on fire. I was making good choices with my food.  I was tracking every bite.  I was doing zumba and riding the exercise bike.  I actually lost weight that first week.  And then I fell apart.  I totally just lost every ounce of motivation and drive...and the rest of the month I floundered.  Luckily, I remain in the same 3-5 pound range (right where I started) but that is not where I want to be.  I feel yucky.  I look like a stay puff marshmallow and I am not happy where I am at.   I want to be thin.  I want it bad.   But the month long dietbet ended and I didn't even send in my final weigh in.  Ohh I thought about moving the scale on the floor to a more sloped location to finagle a weigh in that would earn me back my money....but that is cheating.  There is no honor in that, so I just didn't weigh in at all.  Colossal Failure!

But apparently, I haven't wanted it bad enough to do the work to attain it.    Why???  

I have wondered recently if I don't find myself worth the effort.  I mean, I have had some negativity in my life that I struggle with.....and I am trying to work through that issue.   I also have the baggage from my previous marriage.  I totally happy and content where I am, but I KNOW that I still carry some baggage from my years with my ex.  I spent too much time during those years trying to make him love me and I was never good enough.......lessons that I learned that went deep into my psyche.    I know that me even saying it silly.  I am totally worth every second of energy that it takes to make myself a healthy me....but sometime still holds me back.   

My mom continues to progress slowly in her rehabilitation after her stroke.  It is a slow process and one that requires quite a bit of encouragement for her as she wants it NOW.   I have remind her that it is a process....and one that takes time.  She frequently cries and laments and apologizes for where she is and that she even had the stroke.  I come back with saying that I accept her apology ...but there is no need.  The past is the past and we can't change it and honestly we don't exactly what caused her stroke....so was it a freak of nature or something that she caused....who knows, so there is no need to apologize.  BUT the future is what is in her hands.  I tell her to "work your tail end off to make sure that you don't need to apologize for what is going to happen in the future....for the stuff that she CAN control"

Good advice???

I think so.  But wow if that advice doesn't come barreling back to hit me smack in the forehead.  You see, I want to lose weight and I want it gone NOW.  I get frustrated at the slow progress.    I show no grace and mercy to myself for my past mistakes.  And the biggest thing that hits me?   I AM IN CONTROL OF WHAT THE FUTURE LOOKS LIKE.   The past is the past.....I can't change that I regained weight.  It is done....over.  I can face the truth.  I can apologize to myself and anyone else that it affects.  But that is in the past.  I need to focus on the future... hold the keys.