I'm in a Tizzy

 ​Oh my word.  I’m in a total tizzy!   The stress level and anxiety has ratcheted up in my life by a gazillion percent. Life is out of control!!!  I have meant to write a few times this last week and just get sidetracked.   But here I am now…and I’ll catch you up and you will probably then understand why life for me is the way it is right now.  (I am in such a tizzy that I posted this in the wrong place!!!!  But hey...better late than never to get it to the right place)

Weight Loss

I had a good week last week.  I wasn’t 100% doing what I needed to do.   Honestly, I tracked less than 50% of the time.  My water consumption was dismal. I mean, those two things are the base of success for me and I messed both of them up.  However, I was a lot more cognizant of my choices.  My lunch choices were much more in line.  I tried to curb the quantity of food I put in my dinner plate in the evening.  (Seriously, I stopped at two slices of pizza last night!   And yeah, I was inordinately proud of myself for that fact.). My weight at my official weigh in was the lowest that it has been in the last few months.  So my feeble efforts in watching and being cognizant was enough…for this week.   

My goal for this week?   Why the two base facets of weight loss (at least for me)  of course.    I am aiming to track all food and to drink at least 64 ounces of water.

Exercise

I am still doing well with my 2022 miles in 2022.   I am consistently riding the bike during the day.  I am not pulling ahead though.   I am getting in about 4 miles on the bike a day….to pull ahead, I need to be getting about 8 miles a day. (Or more).  But I am holding steady on my miles.     We continue to walk every evening after work…so that gives me another mile or two.   However, I’m not sure if I’ll be walking this week.   I was walking in a yard the other day and stumbled in a hole and twisted my foot.  It is a foot that was already bothering me and since then…eiiyiiyii my foot hurts!  Time will tell if it’s well enough to hobble around the neighborhood after work this week.

We have gotten out a few times to hike (also known as mushroom hunting) in the last few weeks.  It feels good to get out into the woods and to watch things start to bud and bloom.

House Hunting

After my last crazy story about the house in my last lost we were once again discouraged but we weren’t letting it stop us.  As I had mentioned we had a few houses lined up for Easter Sunday afternoon.   The first one had a fabulously landscaped yard.  The house was very nice. (A cute cape cod) but was at the top end of our price range.  It was also literally right beside the house and in clear view (I’m saying spitting distance) was a solar farm.  Not exactly pretty.   The fact that this house was already priced at the top end of its value  (even in this crazy market) made us pause because the solar farm would reduce the value of the house.   We liked it and we drove away contemplating the house, but we had some major concerns about that field of solar panels.  (The house had a few issues…nothing major though).   The next house was absolutely disgusting!  The place reeked of mothballs and even with the oh so strong odor of mothballs, it still wasn’t enough to cover the smell of animal pee.   Yes, they had a dog or cat at one point and apparently…we’ll it was just bad.  The floor plan of the house was weird.  The lot was super narrow and long…so not exactly usable. Everything was super old and NOT well maintained.   It was a hard pass.   

From there we drove north into Pennsylvania.  We were going to look at a house a bit further north (by like 15 minutes).  This is the house that checked off the boxes for everything we wanted. Furthermore, I was able to read the disclosures…it had a brand new metal/standing seam roof (well 8 months old), new fridge, new stove, heating/ac and water heater was replaced 2017…amongst other recent repairs.   Most of the big ticket items to ‘go bad’ was already replaced and recently.  Hmmmmm.    We got there and we really liked it.  The extra distance was the only issue.  Everything else was what we wanted.    Oddly enough we ended up meeting the owner, who is a neighbor to the house.  We found out why this house was still on the market after a week.  She told us some more about the house and property, what had been replaced and some history.  We literally spent more than 2 hours there looking at the house, talking to the owner and our realtor had her inspector friend come in and do an informal inspection for us along with her informal inspection. (She also does home inspections on the side.).   We left there and knew that the home owner liked us…and that we had a leg up if we wanted the house. Seriously, the owner flat out said ‘I really really hope you like my house’.  And she later texted my realtor and said ‘they would make great neighbors’.     

So we put an offer in.  The offer was put in at 10:30 on Monday morning.   I was prepared for the couple days of waiting…that had been the norm during the last few offers we put in.  I had an answer by 11:10.  She accepted our offer.   What?????   Oh my word!  I have to say, the emotions were rolling.  I literally cried.

Sooooo… last Monday was full of contract paperwork that I signed with the realtor.  Tuesday started the paperwork with the lender.  Never ending paperwork….little bits here and there.  The appraiser has already inspected the property so the lender should have that hopefully soon.  I have two more documents to upload.  (Last paystub that we just got this weekend and a copy of a check that was written this weekend).  They will be uploaded to the lender this morning (following monday when I wrote that)  at 8AM.    At that point our loan can go to the underwriter.   I am still getting random things to sign and do....but it's all good I guess.

I am totally on pins and needles.  I have watched the houses on the market for the last year.  You see houses go onto the market…change to under contract…then go back active on the market.  I don’t see any reason for our loan to have issues…and in fact the lender that I talked to on Friday said she sees no issues either.  But, until settlement is done and the keys are in my hand I will be on pins and needles.

Settlement…5/16/2021

So I am in the throes of packing…organizing….purging…trying to prepare to vacate our apartment.  (Had to give notice that we were not renewing our lease this week.)

So that is what is happening here.   It was a crazy week. I envision some crazy weeks ahead of us. But I am determined to do it without weight gain!!!!!

More motivation to bust through the weight loss barrier

Here I am another week has passed and I could have sworn that I promised to get back to really using this forum for my journey, going back to the basics and all that.  Yet, I am not being consistent at all with my posts.  Well, maybe I am being consistent......about once a week.    Either way, I'm here and I am still working on moving forward and making me the best me possible.  But what have I been up to this last week.

Addiction and Weight Loss 

Addiction is a crazy thing.  It hits so many people, but the average person doesn't even realize that they have an addiction.  If it's legal then it's not an addiction right?    Wrong.  I have an addiction to food.  Food is entirely legal....but I eat to feel that amazing feeling ....my own personal high.  There are people that are addicted to sex, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine and any number of things.  Heck, I had a coworker a few years back and she readily said "I have an addiction to chapstick.  I must have pockets in everything I wear and I have to have a tube of chapstick with me....or I panic."   Yup, that's an addiction.   Chapstick, legal and harmless but still and addiction.

So Jason and I were talking about addictions in the last week or so. Of course my food addiction was discussed.  But we also discussed a few of his small (legal) addictions.   He suggested that when I get to my goal weight that he would kick one of them in honor of my herculean effort to control my food addiction.   I looked at him and said, "You are  not getting out of doing a bungee jump you know?"  (no way am I letting him off the hook for his poor challenge/bet.  I want bragging rights in simply telling him that he has to jump, because we all know that I would never make him jump against his will.  But you better believe that I'll remind him of it as long as we live!)    He assured me that this was in ADDITION to that.  Ohhh really?   More motivation.     He then sweetened the pot further when he said, "MaryFran, when you bust 200 pounds (aka get below 200) I will beat my one addiction and when you get to your goal weight I'll do another!"   So here I go.  

I know, I know I know...how many times have I started over. How many times have I said that I am motivated and ready to rock and roll with this weight loss journey.   I feel silly saying it once again.  HOWEVER, I also know that if I don't start over again, as many times as I need, I will never realize my goals and dreams.  So here we go again.  

House Hunting

After last weekend's house tours being cancelled due to the houses being sold before we could get there, I was a bit discouraged.  Seriously, the stars need to align to buy a house in this market!   I am having to work to keep my spirits up during this process.   I believe in the power of prayer and we have been praying.   So the flip side, is that if I believe in the power of prayer then I have to believe that prayers are answered in the best possible way and this process is just there to prepare us for the perfect house.  

I was quite interested in a house that was 'coming soon' for the last two weeks.  The pictures looked fantastic and we got to go tour it last night.  The yard and location was wonderful.  And it went downhill from there.   The detached garage...the soffits were rotting. Literally rotting wood and open and the paint was peeling.   We were actually ok with that...summer project here we come!  We went into the house and we were hit with a musty smell.  The kitchen was small but nice with a  lot of counter space.  Likewise, the dining room was a nice size and it had built in cabinets and a large buffet counter (ha...I'm being nice......we all know that in real life that would be a junk counter).  We opened the french doors in the dining room oand walked out onto the back deck.  The view was great...but oh watch where you step, some of the deck boards were soft and rotting!   Ok, it would probably pass inspection our realtor (who is also a home inspector part time), but would need attention soon.   Hmmmm...   Back inside to the musty smelling house.   The living room with wood stove was pretty standard and nothing caught my eye.  We headed back the hall to the bedrooms.  The hall had nice vinyl flooring (the LVP wood style flooring) and it was nice.  The first bedroom had carpeting and the vinyl hall flooring just stopped and  there was about a 2 inch gap (and dip) before the carpet started.  Weird.  The room was nice though.   Back to the hall and into the second bedroom.  This was also LVP flooring...a different tone than the hallway...and the 1 inch gap between the two floors was visible .  It wasn't a bad bedroom...At that point though I hear Jason snort...he was done with the house.  Ha.  I kept looking on.  We went to the third 'bedroom'......different floor and another one inch gap between the floors.  This floor actually felt soft when we walked on it.   This 'bedroom' had been converted to a laundry room and a half bath had been added in this room.   The half bath....yup, different floor and another one inch gap.  Ohhh and no bathroom door.  HA.   OK, so the one inch gaps could have been easily fixed simply by adding threshholds.  HOnestly, and easy fix.  But it emphasized to us that repairs and upgrades were 'half-assed' in this house and to beware!   The house had lots of storage closest and a pantry.   So even though Jason was mostly done with the house, we headed down to the basement....and the musty moldy smell got worse!  There were no lights in the basement that we could find.......on purpose?  I can't help but suspect that is the case.  Using our phones as flashlights, we inspected.  The basement was finished....but we found evidence of drywall that had been replaced at one point and we found evidence of drywall that seemed a bit damp.  Well then.   In case you didn't catch the underlying answer, that house was a hard pass.

So today we are heading out to a few more houses.  Yes, on Easter Sunday.  Hey, we are working around our schedule and our realtors schedule.   Per the pictures, one of the houses could best be described by saying "the 70's called, they want their house back"  Another one I would say "you must have picked up your trim paint from the 'oops we made the wrong color shelf at Lowes".  We are going to see a house that looks adorable....but is at the top end of our price range.  And we are looking at one house in a neighboring state....a bit further for Jason...but it has everything on our list must haves and even everything on our list of 'it would be nice to have".   Time will tell......pictures make everything look nice.  (Well, not really.   We went to the house that smelled like dirty butt....and the pictures made it look bad....I was hoping that it was just the fact that there were beds everywhere in the pictures and that the pictures were just bad......but nope, that one was bad!)

Life

Life is going ok.  We live our weekdays just waiting for the evenings and weekends when we are together and enjoying life. It feels horrible wishing our lives away. But until the work situation changes, it is what it is.   I don't like my job any better.  But I am trying to focus on the positive....I have a job.  I am working from home.  It might be a toxic environment, but I am blessed to have a job that allows us to live comfortably.  

The pets are doing well.  Kiwi the bird enjoys life and he counts down until evenings and weekends when he is allowed out of his cage.  While I'm at work he stays in his cage right by my office door.  He is my supervisor I guess. Kiwi will occasionally antagonize the cat....he does fly by's and buzzes her.     Mertz, the cat  is still the diva of the house.  She gets a bit jealous when kiwi gets attention.  She does tolerably well with the bird. We closely monitor them when they are together though. The crabs are....well hermit crabs and somewhat boring. But still fun.   Life would definitely be boring without our pets. 

​

Holding Steady

​Holding steady.  That’s the best way to put it.  I’m holding steady in every aspect of life.  Weight, house hunting, work.  Sometimes ready is good, but in some things I would like forward progress…but hey…holding steady is better than going backwards.

Holding Steady in House Hunting

We had only two houses to look at this past weekend.  Both were sold before we could even tour them.   So we had a weekend off from house hunting.   I wasn’t overly upset.  They weren’t houses that I was ‘in love with’ and anxious to see.  Furthermore, I pray that we make the right decision, that the decision is a no brainer.  So I am relying on my faith…a LOT.   But swing things sell so quickly just shows how crazy the market is at the moment.  

I sometimes wonder if we are insane for looking at the moment.  But our rent will most likely be going up…by 400 dollars (if the apartment complex website is any indication).    Our rent was already on the high side.  Decisions decisions decisions!

So no change in the house hunting.  Holding steady.  

Slow and steady at work

Work is much the same.  Nothing much is happening.  I’m not exactly happy.  It is still a very toxic work environment.  It is still a demoralizing and demeaning experience where we are made to feel inferior and inept. (Seriously…as a real life example….one process has two instructional documents …each give totally different instructions.  An associate sends a daily email with yet different directives.  I spoke with a supervisor and got yet another direction.  Which to follow?  Because if I do it one way I am told how wrong I am…but if I do option two it is also wrong…same with option three and four.  Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.   It’s insane!)

But….even with work being this way, I am really trying to not dwell on it.  I am trying to go to work with a mindset of…. It’s  just a job…do your 8 hours.  Do your job and don’t focus on the back and forth and all around directions.  Block out the negative. Laugh off the disorganization and resulting ‘you were wrong’ talks.   Taking that mentality has helped.  Still not fun.  But it has helped.  So work is holding steady.

Weight loss is holding

My weight is holding also.   Quite literally.  Each week my official weigh in is the same…week in and week out. 

That’s good.  But it’s also not what I want!  First of all.  I have my own little ‘Geronimo’ challenge/ bet going with Jason!   I want to win!

But let’s be honest.  I want to lose the weight because I am tired of being fat.  I’m tired of feeling this way.  I want to be healthy!!!  So holding steady is NOT good enough!!! 

Things are topsy turvy crazy

 LIfe is crazy!  That should be enough said.  Life is crazy!  From house hunting to weight loss to crazy dreams.  It' all nuts!

House Hunting

We spent some more time this weekend and saw some houses that we really liked.  One in particular.  We REALLY lilked it. It had the a few acres and trees (which Jason and I both would love to have)   It had not just a fireplace, but also a woodstove (Jason's wish list).  It had a hot tub (which is on my wish list so every house we look at, I look for a location to add a hot tub).  It had what we wanted.   So of course, we made an offer.   It's so difficult to wait until the offer is reviewed and either accepted or rejected.  This is not the first house where we placed an offer.  The waiting doesn't get any easier after the first.  Honestly, it is probably worse, since you already have first hand experience.  But we placed our offer this past weekend and then waited.   We did everything we could to make our offer look good.  We had an escalation clause to bump up our offer if needed in order to be the highest offer......to a certain limit that we were willing to pay.  We wrote a heartfelt letter to include.  We did it all.    Monday evening we got the text.

The answer?   The seller went with another offer.  

Yes, we were/are bummed out.  It is frustrating.  The market is insane.  At the houses we toured last weekend at each house we saw the people touring the house right before us and the people touring right after us.  The tours were booked that tight and solid.   It seems a bit hopeless.....almost insurmountable.  Yet people ARE buying and getting their offers accepted.   So with that said, we keep looking.

The house hunting process has been stressful for me.  I'm a worrier.  I stress about making the right decision, the offer, the wait, the aspect of moving, the process of the lease that we are in...everything.  SO I have had some sleepless nights.  That part of this has been no fun either!   I told Jason that I will probably be a nervous wreck until we have signed on the dotted line, moved our stuff into a new place and handed the keys back to our current apartment complex.

Crazy Dreams

As if being stressed about buying a house and having issues sleeping  as your mind races isn't bad enough, I have been having some nights recently where I have been having dreams.  They are dreams that I am back in a relationship with my ex-husband.  They are dreams that emphasize the emotions that I lived with daily during my marriage with him.  (At least the end of the marriage......like the last half if not more.)   Last night I dreamed that I had left him and then I went back.  In my dream I was blown away at the pain and disappointment in my parents eyes.  (As if dreaming about the sadness of my previous marriage isn't enough...my dad made an appearance in the dream....my dad who passed away 4.5 years ago and seeing my dad in my dreams always messes me up.) In this dream I had gone back and  I struggled to move around the house, but everything that was in the house that was mine was broken, covered with dirt, decrepit.  My ex's stuff was all pristine and well kept.  And in seeing that, I saw the undervalue of myself in that marriage.  I didn't matter what I did during my marriage, I was not important and the dream highlighted that.  As I slept, those heavy weighted feelings and emotions drove me down.  What a load I was carrying back then that I am reliving during my dreams.  Because while they return to me in a dream, they are well known from my time in that marriage.  The emotions of a dream where the dreammimics real life events that you have lived are hard to put into their place.  Because these emotions are based on memories.  Memories that I would sooner forget.  But yet, after these dreams I find myself in tears and reliving the sadness and pain of those times.   

I don't know what is causing the dreams.....very odd I tell you!

Weight Loss

I am maintaining.  That is a good thing!  Through the stress of house hunting and getting our offers rejected and all of that, I am maintaining!  

The bad thing?  I'm NOT losing!  

So why am I NOT losing?  Well, because I haven't tracked a bit of food in WEEKS!  I am cognizant most of the time what I am eating, but the longer I go without tracking, the more food  creeps into my day.   Honestly, most days aren't too bad.  I'm not eating a ton of stuff.  But I know that I am eating more than I should......not if I want to be losing weight!  I'm disgusted with myself!  I feel bloated and icky and like a failure. (man, this weight thing keeps doing that to me doesn't it?)

I keep saying 'enough is enough'....but I  keep failing.  This has to end.  The question is what end is it going to be?  I know I know, I know.  I hold the cards and I can write the next chapter to my book (which will affect the end) anyway I want!   

Sooooooo, crazy life happenings here.  Some of the craziness I don't have control over.  I can only chose how I will react to the craziness......so how will I react? 

1.  I am vowing to continue to rely on my prayers and my faith that the perfect house will come alone in the perfect time for us.

2.  I am vowing to now let the memories of those bad years in my life affect me.  I will remember them and then thank God every day for the healthy relationship that I have with Jason

3.  I will stop being lackidaisical with my weight.  At the point where I am in life, not trying has the same damaging effect as eating like a mad woman!  So TRY TRY TRY....never give up.  (and that means tracking...like NOW!)

Life won't beat me!