I am…..

​​I am having the most conflicting feelings about my weight loss journey…well the last two days have been totally conflicting!   I feel empowered.   I feel sad.  I feel proud.  I feel scared.

I feel proud 

It is no secret that I have been struggling with my weight loss efforts for a while.  I have wanted to lose weight.  The desire has never waned!  It’s the motivation, the perseverance where I have issues.  The process of actually DOING is what I struggle with.  I have told myself over and over again that I will start on Monday!   Or ‘tomorrow’.  I even make plans, ‘next time I get food from here I will order such and such…but for TODAY I’m getting what I really want to eat’.  I have pushed off my efforts for months now.  

On Friday I knew that enough was enough. I wrote a post about how if I want change to happen (losing weight) that I must change myself so that change CAN happen. (See post here.). I was afraid to hit publish on that post though.  Seriously…I haven’t kept my word how many times!  And oh my word, I’ve babbled endlessly about how weekends are so difficult for me!  I tend to eat more food.  I tend to overindulge.  I tend to gain weight over the weekends…then spend the whole work week trying to lose the weight that I gained over the weekend.  It really is a vicious cycle.  So you can imagine how I was hesitant to hit publish on something stating that I was going to restart and how I was going to change…at the beginning of the weekend!   But I did post it.  And I did start my change right then and there.  I tracked..I managed…I had a great weekend with eating.  How did I relay perfectly?  Of course not.  I still had my weekend sweet treat indulgence.   Did I manage my calories like a budget?  Yes!   I cut out stuff and got smaller sizes of other stuff…and I ate according to my food budget! I remained in budget with my eating!!!   I did it on a weekend!  I was strong!  I am proud!

I am Scared

With the strong start I had over the weekend, comes the fear.  Been there, done this before.  How many strong starts have I had?  How many times have I made vows.  How many times have I tracked?   What makes this different?  And with those thoughts come the scared feelings.  I’m scared I will fail once again.   I’m scared of having to come back on here yet again and say ‘I messed up’.  I’m scared of my own errors and human traits.  I don’t want to fail…again…at losing weight.  Sure I’ve lost weight before and thus have an idea of what is in store for me…but each journey is different.  Who knows what this current journey will bring me.   I am scared.

I am Sad

Yes, as exciting as having a fabulous restart really is, and on a weekend might I might add, I’m also very sad.

I managed my calories to allow for the weekend foods.  On one day that meant eating super lightly throughout  the day.   That was ok…but I was sad.  I was sad when I stopped at my mom’s and couldn’t grab a bite to eat.  (We all know mom’s food tastes better too don’t we?). I was sad when I couldn’t get a snack at the convenience store we stopped at!  I was sad.

The next day I was sad when I ordered the mini cheeseburger at Five Guys.  I wanted the regular!  (And after eating the mini…I will probably adjust my calories in a different way…their buns really do need two of their burgers to carry off the sandwich to make it taste good…I ate mostly bread!).  I skipped the French fries.  I lowered something else down to small and I managed my calories accordingly so that I was never over 1450 calories over the weekend.  But I was sad.  I like food.  Food is my comfort.  Food is my…well I am a food addict so let’s just say it is important!   Food is like a friend and to cut back or say no altogether was like turning my back on friends!  However.   I made the changes willingly…but I was sad.  

I feel empowered

I might be proud.  I might be sad.  I might be scared.  But I also feel empowered.  For the first time in a very long time I stood up and took the reigns and took control of my eating and my addiction.  I may not have LIKED the changes, but I feel empowered to have made them and to be in control!  

It is Monday and I am not letting up.  I had two servings of veggies and a serving of fruit for lunch.  I am managing and adjusting my calories where need be to be able to live my life in the lifestyle that we have.  I can do this…..and you know what?  Let’s add a new feeling onto the list.  For the first time in a long time…. I am hopeful!