I've got this!

 I have now managed to make it exactly one week in this new weight loss journey!  I have experienced the highs and lows of losing weight all within this first week.  I have gathered my motivation and I managed to make it through a complete week and still feel just as strong today as I did a week ago!  But did I lose weight?

It was a week ago that I wrote about how I want to change my weight so badly.  I also wrote about how I realized that if I wanted my weight to change that I would need to change myself.  I can't expect to get different results from the same actions.  I have been on this journey for a LOT of years (Seriously....it's been a little over 15 years since I started this site!  WOW)  During those years I have learned a lot about my body and how I lose weight.  So making my plan of attack to change myself so that my weight would change was easy.  

      1. Track my food…RELIGIOUSLY!

      2.  Water….64 ounces as bare minimum

      3.   Calories UNDER 1450 at least 6 days a week!

     4.  Forgive myself for my mistakes and missteps!

     5.  40 miles of exercise/movement a week (this is the minimum I need for my 2022 mile challenge.

     6.  Work to add additional formal exercise into my week.  I’m not sure yet how/when/where but stay tuned.

So How did I do?  I am proud to say that I nailed my goals for the week!  I tracked every bite and nibble that I put into my mouth.  I actually didn't put anything into my mouth until it WAS tracked.  I planned out my days and managed my calories accordingly!  On the weekend where I struggle a bit more with eating, I allowed myself to be at the high end of where I want my calories to be.  But on the weekday's I was lower.   Water you may ask?   NO problem.  I wasn't much above the 64 ounces some days, but I managed to consume my bare minimum.   The miles for the challenge?   Done!    I didn't have any major misstep or mistake, so I didn't have to practice forgiveness for that.  But I did remind myself frequently that I was allowed to live and that means that an indulgence is allowed on occasion if it is accounted for and if it is not ALL the time. 

I did not manage to get any additional formal exercise in.  That is where I struggled.  But that is ok also, it gives me room for growth and improvement!

So where in the world am I at after one week of staying the course and actually changing myself and my behaviors?    I am proud to say that I lost 3.6 pounds!  Yes.  3.6!!!!    I was hoping for 5 for my first week back...but I'm more than ok with 3.6.

Onward to week two!  I did it for one week....and I can do it for a second week!  I've got this!

I must win!

I think I found a great long term motivation to lose weight.     I made a challenge of sorts with Jason last night.....there will be a reward/punishment when I reach my goal weight (180 pounds).   We shook on it and I'm now determined to win my prize!   

I am very competitive.....very competitive!   This was evidenced with a few challenges that Jason and I had with running back in 2016.   You see back in 2016 I was running a lot!  Jason made the comment that he would like to start running...he hadn't run in years.   Somehow, we made a bet /challenge.   Whoever ran the most miles in a week would be the winner and be able to claim the prize.   And let me tell you, the prize was a doozy!  (Jason may have had a few beers in him at that point!)  I was determined to win!  I would push myself to make sure that I was ahead of him. I did everything I could to make sure I won!  (Nothing underhanded! I wanted to win fair and square.)  I didn't want to be the loser on that bet!    I worked hard and I won! When I say that the losers fee was a doozy.....I am not kidding around!  It was a HUGE doozy!  In fact, it is so huge and so preposterous that I doubt I will EVER demand payment.  But even today....5 years later, I still remind him that I can still claim my prize at any time!  You see, I won the bragging rights....and those bragging rights will last a lifetime!   We did multiple running bets around that time.....and I lost some and won some.  We had a lot of fun with it!  And it REALLY works for me because I am so competitive.

So, what is this big bet?

Last night Jason and I were watching some back episodes of this seasons of The Amazing Race.  In the episode we were watching, the contestants were taken to a large (high) dam and had to bungee jump off the bridge.  You could see the fear in some of the contestants' eyes, body language and words. We giggled and Jason freely admitted that if we were in that position, that would be him.  You see, he is not a big fan of heights.  Sure, we hike up mountains and check out overlooks!   I have posted tons posts about our hikes. But Jason does not get to the edge....and endeavors to keep me as far from the edge as possible.  There is no standing near the edge....or even sitting!  (Which is actually ok with me as I have proven that I am not the nimblest on my feet!  

But as we watched these contestants jumping....we talked and discussed the concept.  Could we do it if we had to??   I bit my togue because I almost said "When I reach my goal weight, I will do it!"  I laughed about it internally for a few minutes and then told Jason what I had almost said.   We laughed and somehow...someway it turned into a challenge.  "When MaryFran reaches her goal weight Jason will bungee jump".    Ohhh weee!!!!!!  How exciting!     We nailed down how much weight I have to lose and we agreed on the 180 pounds I had been at (doctor recommended weight) when I made Lifetime at Weight Watchers as my goal weight.  And at that point, I held out my hand for the handshake.  He hesitated.....but he shook on it!   (Oh Jason....you shouldn't make bets/challenges  when you have had a few beers!!!!)

So the bet is on!  I Will win this bet!  I may not ever make him actually do it.  (Remember, I have another bet that I have no intention on collecting but I LOVE to hold it over his head....and he knows I won't collect...but it is still fun to 'own' it!)   But maybe...I will collect my bet this time.  And maybe...just maybe I will do my own jump!

Either way...I have about 70-75 pounds to lose.....because I WANT those bragging rights as the winner!

I am…..

​​I am having the most conflicting feelings about my weight loss journey…well the last two days have been totally conflicting!   I feel empowered.   I feel sad.  I feel proud.  I feel scared.

I feel proud 

It is no secret that I have been struggling with my weight loss efforts for a while.  I have wanted to lose weight.  The desire has never waned!  It’s the motivation, the perseverance where I have issues.  The process of actually DOING is what I struggle with.  I have told myself over and over again that I will start on Monday!   Or ‘tomorrow’.  I even make plans, ‘next time I get food from here I will order such and such…but for TODAY I’m getting what I really want to eat’.  I have pushed off my efforts for months now.  

On Friday I knew that enough was enough. I wrote a post about how if I want change to happen (losing weight) that I must change myself so that change CAN happen. (See post here.). I was afraid to hit publish on that post though.  Seriously…I haven’t kept my word how many times!  And oh my word, I’ve babbled endlessly about how weekends are so difficult for me!  I tend to eat more food.  I tend to overindulge.  I tend to gain weight over the weekends…then spend the whole work week trying to lose the weight that I gained over the weekend.  It really is a vicious cycle.  So you can imagine how I was hesitant to hit publish on something stating that I was going to restart and how I was going to change…at the beginning of the weekend!   But I did post it.  And I did start my change right then and there.  I tracked..I managed…I had a great weekend with eating.  How did I relay perfectly?  Of course not.  I still had my weekend sweet treat indulgence.   Did I manage my calories like a budget?  Yes!   I cut out stuff and got smaller sizes of other stuff…and I ate according to my food budget! I remained in budget with my eating!!!   I did it on a weekend!  I was strong!  I am proud!

I am Scared

With the strong start I had over the weekend, comes the fear.  Been there, done this before.  How many strong starts have I had?  How many times have I made vows.  How many times have I tracked?   What makes this different?  And with those thoughts come the scared feelings.  I’m scared I will fail once again.   I’m scared of having to come back on here yet again and say ‘I messed up’.  I’m scared of my own errors and human traits.  I don’t want to fail…again…at losing weight.  Sure I’ve lost weight before and thus have an idea of what is in store for me…but each journey is different.  Who knows what this current journey will bring me.   I am scared.

I am Sad

Yes, as exciting as having a fabulous restart really is, and on a weekend might I might add, I’m also very sad.

I managed my calories to allow for the weekend foods.  On one day that meant eating super lightly throughout  the day.   That was ok…but I was sad.  I was sad when I stopped at my mom’s and couldn’t grab a bite to eat.  (We all know mom’s food tastes better too don’t we?). I was sad when I couldn’t get a snack at the convenience store we stopped at!  I was sad.

The next day I was sad when I ordered the mini cheeseburger at Five Guys.  I wanted the regular!  (And after eating the mini…I will probably adjust my calories in a different way…their buns really do need two of their burgers to carry off the sandwich to make it taste good…I ate mostly bread!).  I skipped the French fries.  I lowered something else down to small and I managed my calories accordingly so that I was never over 1450 calories over the weekend.  But I was sad.  I like food.  Food is my comfort.  Food is my…well I am a food addict so let’s just say it is important!   Food is like a friend and to cut back or say no altogether was like turning my back on friends!  However.   I made the changes willingly…but I was sad.  

I feel empowered

I might be proud.  I might be sad.  I might be scared.  But I also feel empowered.  For the first time in a very long time I stood up and took the reigns and took control of my eating and my addiction.  I may not have LIKED the changes, but I feel empowered to have made them and to be in control!  

It is Monday and I am not letting up.  I had two servings of veggies and a serving of fruit for lunch.  I am managing and adjusting my calories where need be to be able to live my life in the lifestyle that we have.  I can do this…..and you know what?  Let’s add a new feeling onto the list.  For the first time in a long time…. I am hopeful!

I’m just Tired

​I am just tired.  Tired of what you may ask?   I’m tired of so many things.  I’m tired of feeling like a failure…and I am definitely failing at losing weight.  I’m tired of being fat.  I’m tired of even trying to lose weight. I’m just tired.

Tired of Being Fat

Nope, I’m not mincing words.  I am just plain tired of being fat.   I don’t like how I feel in my body.  I don’t like how my clothes fit.  I don’t like …we’ll much of anything about being overweight.    Seriously…being overweight hurts…physically hurts too!   I’m tired of it.   I keep vowing to make the necessary changes but I fall into the adage of ‘tomorrow’.   But tomorrow has not come recently.  Honestly the last time I had any great success was right before our wedding/elopement!  That happened at the beginning of October of last year!  5 months ago!    I’m tired of a lack of success!!!

Every time I gain weight it bothers me more.  When I was overweight (way back at the beginning of this website/blog) I didn’t feel fat.  My body was used to the weight and I guess the constant aches and pains.  But as I lost the weight the pain disappeared and I felt amazing.  But tasting that amazing pain free life means that as I gained the back, I feel every pound!  Each and every pound!  I’m tired of it!

I have bins upon bins of clothes in my smaller sizes.  Yet I’m forced to wear my fat clothes …which honestly I don’t even think of as ‘fat clothes’ anymore…they are just my clothes.  But honestly, I think about those clothes with longing!  I’m tired of being this size!!!

Tired of Failing

Before our wedding I had challenged myself to a 12 week challenge.  My goal was to lose 24 pounds in that twelve weeks.  And I did phenomenal at the beginning and then lost slower at the end.   I didn’t reach my 24 pounds but I was proud of myself with what I DID lose.  We got married, vacationed, uhhh…honeymooned, and came home.  I maintained a few weeks and then very slowly started to gain. I’m ashamed to admit…but I gained weight.   It took me 2 months to gain 10 pounds.  The next three months?  10 more pounds gained!  (Ok more like 8…but seriouslyYes.  I am sitting close to 20 pounds heavier than I was when I got married!  What in the world is wrong with me?    I’m talking failure!  Huge failure!  20 pounds of failure!   I’m tired of failing!

The weight gain on top of negative and snide comments and my own personal epiphany of how years of these comments have shaped my view of myself is not a good combination.  Can we say self fulfilling prophecy?  I’m tired of FEELING like a failure!

The Catalyst for Change

So I have been thinking about how I feel.  If I expect any change to be forthcoming in my life, I need to change myself first.  I can’t expect to continue doing the exact same thing and expect different results.  So that means that it is time to change me.  It is time to change my way of thinking.  It is time to change my actions.  The only way to enact change is to be the catalyst of change.  

So what is my plan and how am I going to be the catalyst for change?   Well first, I am going to focus on the things I CAN change!  But let’s talk specifics.

Negativity in my life. Sadly, the negative person in my life is not someone I can easily cut out of my life…nor do I want to.  I love the person…and I know that they love me.  This person is just not happy with their lot in life…maybe some jealousy…whatever.   I can’t change them. What I can do is start to stand up for myself whenever the remarks are made.  I can try to put a stop to them versus just sitting there like a whipping post.  And now that I totally recognize the behavior, I can hopefully separate it in my mind as drivel untruths!

Weight loss failure.  Well simply put, I need to stop failing.  I am worth every second of time it takes.  I am worth every ounce of energy I devote. I am worth it!  Easier said than done.  I know…so maybe fake it till I make it??  Hahaha. And I will be going back to the basics.

     1.  Track my food…RELIGIOUSLY!

      2.  Water….65 ounces as bare minimum

      3.   Calories UNDER 1450 at least 6 days a week!

     4.  Forgive myself for my mistakes and missteps!

     5.  40 miles of exercise/movement a week (this is the minimum I need for my 2022 mile challenge.

     6.  Work to add additional formal exercise into my week.  I’m not sure yet how/when/where but stay tuned!

Changing my behaviors will take energy…but I can do it!!!!!!

What a Weekend!

​What a whirlwind of a weekend!  Not just how time flies, that is always a whirlwind!  But the weather.  Could we have a bigger ricochet effect in the weather?  We utilized the one end of the spectrum in the weather to our fullest!  But time just flew by as it always does.

The Weekend Weather 

On Friday night we did our normal after work walk…wearing sweatshirts/hoodies!  The temps were literally that nice!  We opened the windows in our place and let some fresh air circulate! Upper 50°’s and  it was fabulous!  Saturday morning was more of the same!   Wonderful temps!   A gift from Mother Nature in the middle of winter!  Mid to upper 50’s!  We knew we were NOT going to let that get away from us!  We headed to a local state park and hiked!   Ahhhh. Fresh air!  Warmer air!   It was fabulous! It was a bit breezy so we both wore sweatshirts and a windbreaker and that was absolutely perfect!   The ice on the lake was in direct contrast to how the temps felt!  We enjoyed every second!  Oh and I had so much fun with my camera again!   I need to make the time for photography in my life!!!

On Sunday we woke up to snow.   Ok, it wasn’t much…here at least.  I would probably call it more a ‘dusting’.  We got about an inch and it was mostly on the grass and cars.  It did not deter us from heading out and running errands!  But it was back in the 30’s…brrrr!

The little glimpse of spring made me long for it even more!  Come on spring…I'm anxiously awaiting your complete arrival!!

Weight Efforts over the Weekend

I didn’t get around to lowering my calories on MyFitnessPal until midway through the weekend.  That’s ok!  It’s done now!   I also didn’t track anything over the weekend.  And while that is not ok, it is the past.  I’m not living in the past.  I’m looking to the future.  So today will be a better day.  And honestly, it already is.  You see I’ve already tracked my food for the day…before I even took one bite!  Go me!

I am aiming for a range between 1200 and 1400 calories. However, myfitnesspal is set at 1280.  Works for me!  I have something to aim for!  And even if I am a bit over (seriously…1200 is restrictive) then I know that I’m still in the range I want to be in!  Win win!  

Busy busy busy Weekend

I got row 9 of ten done on my quilt top!  So hopefully by the end of next weekend I will be ready to sandwich the quilt top, batting and backing together and start the actual quilting.  I have purchased everything.  Batting, backing, thread, etc.  I have one more shipment that will be arriving and then I will have all of my supplies. Next weekend I will have to stop at my mother’s house and pick up my portable quilting frame (apologies to my brother who stores my big old fashioned quilt frame in his attic…in fairness it’s in pieces and way under the eaves so not in the way.).  Hopefully I will be quilting by next week this time!

I was super productive.  I also did our taxes..both of ours (married filing separately).  I did the normal things around the house…clothes laundry, straightening the house, fresh sheets on the bed, etc!  

It was a productive weekend!

Special Thanks

I would like to thank everyone that has been so supportive of me as I work through in words my emotions dealing with the negativity in my life.   You don’t know how much your words have meant to me.  I am touched by your kindness and support.  

Moving Forward

I am still working on training a group of new hires at work this upcoming week.  Training wears me out as I give my all each minute of the day with them.  But I do enjoy it!  (And it is a nice break from the normal routine.). As I said earlier, I have my food listed in my food tracker for the day today before I even eat.  I know I will most likely have to go back and tweak as I actually go through the day and eat my meals.  But I feel empowered and plan to continue this whole week!  I need to get this weight to start dropping.  I have a goal of 50 pounds by the time I’m 50. I was doing well at the beginning of January but then relapsed so I am showing no loss for 2022 yet.  That’s ok.  I’m hot on the trail now!!!   I also continue to ride the exercise bike daily.  I have miles that I need to achieve for my 2022 miles in 2022.    In the meantime….every step I take is toward making me a better person!

Beating my Head Against the Wall

​How many times will I try to get successful results from something that I have time and time again proven to not work?   I’m doing it again!  I’m trying a method of weight loss that I KNOW doesn’t work for me!   And I am so frustrated.  Why do I do it to myself??  

So what am I doing?  I am eating about 1600 calories and expecting to lose weight.   I know…I know.  1600 calories SHOULD by the actual numbers be a great goal for eating.  However, time and time again I have experimented and each time I come to the conclusion that it doesn’t work for me.  I am LUCKY if I maintain at that level of calorie intake. Yet I try It.  Over and over I try!   When will I learn and just accept?

I know that my profile on myfitness pal was reset a while back and my goal is 1500…but I am going to go back online and fix that….I would rather see the 1200 or 1300 ad my goal and be over budget  at the end of the day versus seeing the 1500-1600 as my goal and see that I am right on budget or every under budget at the end of the day.  Why?  Because if I am aiming for the lower calories and I end up over budget I will not be expecting to lose weight!  It may happen…but I won’t be expecting it!    When I am under budget with the higher calorie limit it is human nature to expect a loss and it is very disheartening to then not lose!!!  

I am still struggling with the emotions of my own personal revelations about the long term negativity that I have been dealing with it.   Basically, I have heard the negativity for years but it has just become part of the fabric of my life.  But the wedding dress comment (your butt looked fat in your wedding dress) just has played through my mind constantly in the four months the since I got married. (Yup…it’s been a bit more thanfour months since we got married.). I have replayed that comment many times in my head.  In the meantime,  I started a new quilt.

The new quilt is coming along.  The negativity wasn’t immediate…I got a compliment about how beautiful the quilt was turning out.  However the next words were ‘I sure hope you are doing it right…your stuff tends to fall apart’?   What?   We sometimes sleep under a quilt that I made 30 years ago….that doesn’t sound like it fell apart to me?  It’s a quilt that I drag around …..literally drag around…it goes on vacation with us as I remove the comforters on hotel beds and use my own quilt….they don’t wash those hotel comforters every use!). This quilt is used and used hard.  But my stuff falls apart?   And there have been multiple snide remarks about my quilt.  And those comments…I think of them all the time when I’m working on this quilt…second guessing myself.  Worrying that for some reason this quilt will fall apart.  It totally undermined any ounce of self confidence I had about it.  So two comments that stayed in my mind for a long time (never ending).    And once those comments were stuck in my head it opened my memory and my awareness to what really happens.  So I still am struggling with those emotions.

But I move forward.  Processing the information…the comments…the events in life.  Life throws negativity at you.  Life throws moments when we keep doing the same old thing and expect different results. (ie my calorie counting).   How I respond and react is what makes me awesome, mediocre or a slug of a human being.  I want to be awesome.  So fixing issues and rising above is my goal!

Enough is Enough

​The last week had been a crazy one for sure!  I’ve learned a few things (or rather learning) about myself and really opening my eyes and seeing maybe why I am the way I am.  I’ve been busy and stressed out at work. And my weight…oh my weight loss efforts.  Enough is enough.  It is time to draw the proverbial line in the sand.  I have got to fix my weight issues and I have got to stop dithering and giving half efforts!    

A stressful Work Week

Wow.  Just wow.   Work has been so insane lately.  A lot of micromanaging that doesn’t help the situation.  A lot of negativity reigned down upon us.  And just really busy.   And yes, my coworkers are feeling the same angst and stress, which does make my burden a bit easier.  (Misery loves company.). At least I know it’s not just me they are singling out.  It’s the whole group of us that do this one aspect of work on our team.   And let’s just say that it’s bad. 

This upcoming week or so should be a bit better for me.  I will be working with training some new people for our team.  So I will be removed from a lot of the petty bull that is happening.   And of course I really enjoy training.  (Which is no surprise to anyone that knows me!)

Negativity

In the last months I’ve been starting to realize that there is a force of negativity in my life that directly affects me and who I am.  Comments made that are hurtful.  Example, ‘the dress you got married in makes your butt look fat’…who says that to a happy bride?  Just this week I started to think back and realize that it’s been going on for a long time.  I confirmed that last night by going back and reading some excerpts from old journals.  Yes, I have close to 20 journals in storage.  When I was younger there were some gaps in years…but I have sporadic journals from back as far as third grade and I started to journal more consistently when I was about 13 years old.   As I read bits and pieces of these journals I was clearly able to see the pattern of behavior for many years.  (Which made Jason feel better as he apparently had worried that his presence in my life had created the issue…but no it was an issue from long before his presence.)

So yes…journals galore.   I pulled them out and read some last night. Jason and I had fun laughing at some of the entries I made from very early in our relationship.  I then had fun teasing him and reading about the mixed messages he was giving me about marriage for years!  One week commenting about how he was all in with marriage but the next week against marriage due to previous experiences…..I can laugh now but back then it was a seee-saw!  (And ultimately I decided that I would rather have the man…even if it didn’t come with a ring because it came with lots and lots of love!  And what do you know…it came with the ring anyway!)

Married Life 

Married life treats me well.   I make it through my work days because I know that come 5 or 5:30 when Jason gets home that I’ll get a kiss and hug that will make my world all ok again!

We are excited about getting a house and moving.  Sure there is a lot more responsibility with home ownership….but there are a lot more rewards….not just financially.  More space.  Things exactly how WE want and not how someone else wants. Space to actually can..yes my kitchen is so small that canning and preserving food would be possible, but difficult. And where would I store my preserved items.  Just no space! Oh and to have a garden and all that fresh produce to eat!  Did I mention more space?

I have been having so much fun writing letters to Jason’s four year old niece.  Ok, maybe not ‘me’ writing….kiwi our bird writes to her!  Hahaha. It is fun to share our life with her written from the eyes of a parrot.  (She lives about 4 hours away and we don’t see them often).  It has been one of my great pleasures recently…and I find myself planning throughout the week/weeks and taking pictures just for her letters.  Such as the ‘kiwi for your letter’ picture.

Weight Loss

Ok so I titled this section weight loss.  Maybe I should have added the word what and a question mark to make it ‘what what loss?’.  No weight lost here.   And I can’t blame anything but myself.  I haven’t been committed.  I have gotten in my miles and ridden the exercise bike.  But I haven’t really put forth much (any) effort to lose weight and let’s be honest…it takes effort!

But enough is enough.  I’m tired of being fat and the only way to change it is to be serious.   A few months back I did a 12 week challenge and had some success.  I like the shorter goals and terms.  It seems more doable.  I liked that challenge and it worked.  I like the exercise portion but that is what burned me out…getting in my miles plus the exercises for the challenge. I was doing it all on my breaks and lunch at work which was difficult.   So I am going to do a similar version. Focusing mostly on the food and water aspect.  (All the while continuing my 2022 challenge of course). For me the biggest issue right now is calorie and water intake!   I need to fix that…and I need to do it now!  So I am just going to focus on one week at a time.  Calories and water this week.  That’s my goal for this week.  Calories in check…1400 calories or thereabouts (simply because I know my body responds at that level…years of watching have taught me that). And at least 64 ounces of water each day.   That is the goal for this upcoming week. I need to get this ship turning in the right direction!

Like I said….enough is enough!

I want

​I want so much.  I have such grand ideas…but sometimes it just doesn’t happen.  But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want it.  I still desperately want to lose weight.  And it is so weird to want something so badly but yet find myself shoveling food into my mouth like a crazed woman.    That is where I am at.  I want more for my life than a job that is honestly just a job…8 hours of being someone’s slave.  I want, but it always seems as if I come up lacking.

The job situation

Work has continued to be stressful. The job itself is stressful but the management is making it near unbearable.  There is so much micromanaging it is ridiculous.  I wrote out a long vent paragraph, but have always tried to be responsible with what I post…so I got rid of it.  Just know that I am quite unhappy.   I basically wish my weeks away…come on Friday evening!  I feel the depression settle in each Sunday…Sunday morning just a twinge…but growing more steadily throughout the day until Sunday evening when the dread is back full force.  That is no way to live.

2022 miles in 2022

My mileage challenge is going well.  I finished the month of January with some extra miles ‘in the bank’.  Yes, I am ahead of where I need to be in order to get my yearly miles. I consistently ride the exercise bike and we continue to walk every evening after work.  

Happy with my decision

I remain happy and content with my decision to stop posting on YouTube.  I miss the encouragement and some of the people that I follow.  But when I think about turning on my computer to watch…we’ll it just doesn’t happen.  I just can’t eat to do it…The freedom form the work involved in the YouTube channel just keeps me from even having the energy to turn on the computer.  I am bothered abbot about my phone though.  I have tried a few times to reply to comments on this site and to comment on other peoples blogs and my phone won’t let me comment!  I clear my cookies and clean the cache but seriously…it doesn’t work!   Grrrrrr!  Just know that I am reading your posts and comments!  (Remember what I said earlier about not even turning the computer on)

Weight

Ahhh the big weight loss section.  Here it is.   So my 50 in 50 pound challenge.  The challenge to lose 50 pounds in the year that I turn 50 (this year). I started January strong with 5 pounds…and since then yo-yoed. I have some days maintained that 5 pound loss and other days I throw up my hands and say well apparently I haven’t lost a single thing in this new year.   

I know that it is 100% my effort that is lacking.  I can’t even dare say that I’m eating completely right.  I’m tracking?  What’s that!     (I have managed to stop eating the constant stream of apple dumplings though.  I eat one the first day I make them and then no more…so about one dumpling a week.).   How is it possible to want something so bad but have seemingly no control over my efforts to obtain it.   And yes…I know I ultimately have the control….but I’m struggling with grabbing and maintaining the control. 

So you can see…I want….but I’m lacking!    Even with the depressing  talk that has filled this post….I know that I am lucky.  I have a man that loves me just the way I am.  I have something that some people may never experience…and for that I am blessed!!!  I just need to figure out how to fix these other areas of my life!!!