I’m Alive

​I’m alive!  Really, I didn’t die…or spend any time  in the hospital…or cut off my fingers disallowing me to type.  I have just been plain…well I don’t want to say lazy, but I just haven’t been posting.  Don’t get my wrong, I think about it…..in the depths of the night when all is quiet and I can’t sleep.  But when I wake up I’m going going going and it just doesn’t happen.  I promise to be better!   So let’s catch up a bit…and then I’ll talk about my weight loss efforts this month. 

December Museums and Fun

December was a busy month.   I had the normal work obligations but I did have some time off and we stayed busy on the weekends!

On the first weekend of the month we went to a Rural Heritage Museum and while I thought I would only be there for an hour, we spent 4 hours there.  

The next weekend was my birthday.   We had a few days off.  I did some errands on one day (yup…my name is officially changed in the most important places now).  And we went to Lancaster County, PA for a wee little getaway.   We hit some of the normal places but also did the Landis Valley Museum for a few hours.

The next weekend we celebrated Christmas with Jason’s parents on one day and on the other weekend day we roamed a bit locally and just enjoyed the sites.

The next weekend was Christmas (this last weekend).  and I had another four day weekend.  It was just as busy.  I spent a day with my mom.   Jason and I spend Christmas Eve together.  We roamed during the day and did our private celebration and gift exchange that evening.  Of course the pets got gifts too!

Christmas Day we went to my mom’s house.  We got there early to help prepare Christmas dinner/lunch.   And we got home that evening exhausted.    Sunday was spent relaxing and trying to not think about going back to work!   We went to the canal and walked for a few hours. The weather was delightful!!!

So we have stayed busy.    My ‘down time’ has been spent working on a new quilt.   Yes…I started a new quilt.  I started it on Black Friday.     It will be a version of a ‘grandmothers flower garden’.  I have the ‘flowers’ all made.  100 of them…and each one is hand sewn and takes about an hour.  (So now you know where my time has gone).    On Christmas Eve I laid all 100 on the floor and  arranged them in the order that they will be sewn together. (I didn’t want all my pink flowers in one corner…or all my orange fabrics clumped together elsewhere).   Now I am working on adding the white pieces between each ‘flower’ and putting it together.  

So you can see we have been busy!

Weight Loss

But what about my weight loss efforts?   Maybe I should say my weight loss NON-EFFORTS!  Yes, you read that right.  I’ve struggled and I kinda gave up.

I’m terms of my addiction.  I actually haven’t been doing to badly with that.  My mindset is in a better place! However, I have been struggling since vacation in October. I have been barely hanging on.  My birthday weekend  this mont followed by holidays was a combination that was not good.   I didn’t track anything and didn’t even think about calorie intake!   And yes there was cake…and apple dumplings…and pie….well you get the point.

So I am sitting on a weight gain!  Embarrassing.  But I’m determined to turn this around….and I have some plans formulating in my head.  One of which is that I am planning on doing another mile challenge in 2022.  It was fabulous for me in 2021.  I saw how my legs grew stronger..not just for biking but also in my hiking abilities.  So that is in the works (gonna officially sign up today).   Secondly, I will be switching to my new day planner at the end of this week and it has a section for habit tracking.   So I will be tracking my daily habits.   Right now I will be focusing on a few things:

1.  Tracking my food

2.  Calories 1400 or lower

3.  Exercise at least 5 days a week

4.  Step count…aiming right now for 5k but hope to up that

5. 64 ounces water bare minimum!

It really will be a back to the basics plan.    I KNOW that the basics work for me.  I just need to focus on them.  I am setting a weight loss goal also.  I am aiming to lose 1 pound a week.  That is a doable goal.   And since I am sitting at roughly 250 pounds, that will put me at 200 pounds by this time next year.   Sure, I would love to be at goal by this time next year. But slow and steady will work.  I would rather have a doable goal versus a goal that will bring me to failure!  So one pound a week it is!    Hmm…maybe I will just make it a simple 50 pounds for next year.  50 pounds in honor of my 2022 50th birthday!!  

I’m technically not waiting until the new year to start.  I am working today to make some changes.  Gearing up so to speak!   Starting to build those habits!!!

So here I am.  Alive and well.  Fatter and more miserable with my weight, but ready to make changes!  Now is the time!!

Addiction

It’s been a while since I wrote here.   I wish that I could say that my absence is due to the busy holiday season and no time.   And while it had been busy…and time has been crunched, that is not the reason.  I’ve been slipping in my weight loss journey.   You see, I’m an addict.  I have a serious food addiction and it has been slowly slipping out of control.

I had talked about food addictions for a while, but it wasn’t until one  Incident in 2007 that I was able to clearly see and understand the impetus behind my eating.     It all centered around a visit to a restaurant where I was usually able to eat relatively healthily.  But on that visit I chose to have a small piece of cake.  When I say small, I really mean small!  It was literally a one inch square.   I carried that morsel back to my table like it was a pot of gold.  I slipped that first bite into my mouth and I swear, I heard the angels sing!  It was pure heaven! I wanted more of that feeling!  I ate another bite..and another.   Soon that small piece of cake was gone.  But the angels had sang and I wanted to hear them again!  I went back for more cake and then pudding and pie and other desserts off that dessert bar.  I did it all in a futile effort to make the angels sing again.  Of course they didn’t sing…because through that 2007 incident I realized that The angels singing only happens on that first bite or two.  It’s the first bite of bliss that I am addicted too.  I know that…yet I keep eating to try to obtain that feeling.

I was doing really good before vacation.   I was slowly losing…and maintaining my weight on the weeks I didn’t lose.  But when I came back I began to struggle.  The best way to describe it is that the vacation opened the doors.  The food addiction angels had sang on my Vacation/honeymoon.   Getting back on track was difficult because I was chasing that food addiction.  

Ohh, I didn’t go totally off the rails at first.  I was half heartedly fighting it.  I was still sorta tracking.  I was still trying here and there.  But each day; my weak hold over my addiction wavered and slipped further and further out of my grasp.  I was never eating crazily.  I was just starting to look more toward the foods that I suspected (ok KNOW) would have a higher chance of giving me my food bliss/food high and thus make those angels sing.  This was all done subconsciously but regardless, it was a very tenuous hold over this addiction.  Thanksgiving weekend threw me over the edge into full addiction mode.  

I’m writing here and now that I am vowing to push this aside, to tamp these behaviors down and to regain control.  I wrote this on a Thursday morning…I’m not waiting until Monday.  Next week we have some time off work for my birthday.  Im not waiting until after that.  Now is the time.  

I don’t rightly know how.  Each morning this week I have vowed to keep it under control but then I find myself eating granola bars, macaroni and cheese (I got rid of the last of the leftovers so they wont tempt me today), chocolate chips, etc.   My hope is that the difference is that overnight  I actually realized that the addiction is out control again and needs to be stopped.

I spend time in prayer each day.  Up until recently part of my prayers was ‘to lose weight’.   Naturally this week I switched those prayers to ‘control over my food intake’.  (Which is what made me realize that the addiction was back).  It’s time for the battle to take place…and this battle is NOT in the kitchen…it’s in my head.

I’m stepping away from the clean intermittent fasting and going back to what I did for the last year.    Early morning I’m making my flavored/vitamin water.  Breakfast most likely won’t happen, simply because I don’t like to eat that early.  But it’s not taboo right now. Making it taboo only makes me want it more and/or makes me eat more at lunch.  I’ll revisit the clean fast after I get this addiction back in its box, contained and under control.

Whew….what a downer post.  But one I needed to write!