Indifferent

I have been totally indifferent to my weight loss journey for the last week or so.   I’ve been just existing.   I know it’s not good!  I saw something today though...and it opened my eyes.

I am going to blame some of my issues are centered around work.   Work has been horrible.   As in dreaming and nightmare inducing horrible!  Yes it’s infringing upon my sleep.  Many nights I wake up from dreams about this job.  And it’s not good.

I have also been wondering about the fact that EVERY Friday night I have been wide awake most of the night, unable to sleep.  I have wondered if it was what I’m eating on Friday nights.  I have pondered the fact that on occasion I drink a soda on Friday nights.  But I think I have figured it out.  It’s none of the above.  It is the fact that I am so emotionally whipped at the end of the work week that my mind can’t relax.   I was off work today...on a Friday and I was curious about what my sleep would bring...and last night...Thursday night I was awake most of the night...with my mind racing...and dreaming about work.     ~sigh~  

food wise.  I’m not actually doing too horrible.  When I do track I find that my food is right around 1500 calories.  Not bad.  My weight is staying in a 2-3 pound range.  And I want the weight gone!!!

I was off work today.   It worked out well because I was able to spend an hour or two with my good friends who were traveling through the area!  It was a blessing!   

Before I met up with my friends, I ran some errands.  I was leaving one of the stores and saw a lady laboriously getting out of a truck.  She was huge.  She was probably my age..or younger.   She was struggling to walk.  Her partner walked slow but still outpaced her pretty quickly.   And my heart stopped.  That is going to be me if I don’t clean up my act  I’m not going in the right direction.    And let’s face it....maintaining at 250 pounds (ok I rounded up...it’s 246-248 most days) is not healthy either.  Sure I’m happy with a maintain...but  pathing about that weight is healthy. 

I am killing myself by my current apathy.  Sure, I’m not actively taking a gun to my head...but I am nonetheless killing myself with my actions.

this has to change!

Back and Forth

Things with my weight loss journey are just sorta sliding on with no thought or effort from me.  

I have not really done anything for my weight loss efforts recently.  Oh yeah, I’m aware of what I’m eating and doing.    But I’m not consciously trying to ‘do the right thing’.   I guess you could say that I’m just eating intuitively.  Trying to eat when I’m hungry and just ignore food when I’m not.  (And believe me...for a food addict...ignoring food is difficult!).  Maybe that is what the grander plan of this period of just sitting back has been.  (And yes, I pray quit a bit for guidance and direction and help for this weight loss journey!). Maybe I had to sit back and learn (re-learn) to listen to my body.  To follow the signs of my body in regards to what and when I eat!    I’m far from being a master at it, but I think I have done well.  Seriously....read this little vignette from this past weekend and you tell me if I’m doing well!

One night this past weekend we ordered Chinese.  And I didn’t order any spring rolls.  Jason asked if there was any reason.  I honestly said ‘I’m just not overly hungry’.  Jason’s eyes  grew wide and he immediately reached over and jokingly felt my head as if checking to see if I had a fever. Ok, he was probably seriously checking!  I can’t remember what he said but it was something to the affect of ‘that’s just so out of the ordinary for you to one, say you aren’t hungry and two to actually heed the signs.  

I have still not started to track.   Believe me. I wanted to.  I planned on it.   But I kinda forget to do it.   I am out of the habit and need to restart that habit.   As I wrote this I realize that I am somewhat curious as to where my calorie count has been.   I think I may work to not change what I’m doing, but track my food.  That might be interesting.  But in the long run I know that where I AM eating in terms of calories, I will have to cut back because I’m NOT losing weight.

I don’t talk about it much, but I am still hot on the trail of meeting my yearly challenge to propel myself 2021 miles in 2021.  I wrote about the challenge Here if you are interested.  I recently crossed the halfway mark. 

We had a nice weekend.  It was a quiet one.  We didn’t exactly do anything crazy.  Lots of errands and lots of relaxation.  About the only thing we did activity wise was an hour or two of walking in the big (and old) graveyard near us.  

So what is my weight doing?  I already alluded to the fact that I’m not losing.    Well, my weight is on a seesaw in a two to three pound range.  I pop up but then effortlessly go back down.  It’s a weight I am NOT happy with.  But I own it.  It’s my weight and I know that by owning it I have the power to change it!

It Was A Bust

This week was a total bust!    I made myself promises and vows and I went belly up on all of them!  It was just one of those weeks!

I wrote last week About my upcoming stressful week and boy was I right.  It was stressful.   No, as I wrote this on Friday morning before work let me rephrase that to say it IS stressful.   It was as confusing and messed up as I expected.  There is something horrible about working with someone that expects you to know the most basic of answers and you sit there and have no clue!  It’s a bad bad feeling and it was repeated time and time again this past week!   But it is what it is.  I have survived and I will continue to survive I’m sure.

In the midst of this week I had a job interview for a job promotion within my company.  I feel as if I spoke in riddles and didn’t have one coherent thought during the interview. Hopefully the two interviewers were able to understand my ramblings (or what I feel was ramblings).  If I get the job good...if not it’s ok.  It is a job that I have heard is one of the hardest jobs in our division of the company. It is also the stepping stone...pay your dues position...as I have been told by a few others. So   I’m ok with either outcome of the interview ...but seriously...and interview in the middle of a stressful launch???   But hey...I survived!

What didn’t survive?  My healthy eating goals.   I tracked nothing. I barely drank water.  I ate a lot more carbs then I should have.   I totally bombed on any semblance of trying to lose weight.  

It was so bad that last night I wasn’t hungry.  I knew I wasn’t hungry when started to eat dinner.  But dinner was something I don’t have often and something I love! So I ate it anyway!  And then I laid in bed all last night with a stomach ache!  I ate myself sick!    I haven’t done that in a long time...and I don’t like the feeling.  I won’t even vow to not do it again...because while I don’t plan on it, I know it will most likely happen.  Human nature.   But yeah, that shows how bad my eating has been.  

Right now I am just going to focus on one foot in front of the other.  This journey is hard and I’m struggling!!!

I caved...kinda

I have almost anally eschewed any fad diets, ideas and health plans!   South Beach, Beach Body, Atkins, Keto....nope!  Sure I know of the plans but I have adamantly held firm to the belief that I need a balance in my life.   So I probably don’t even have to say that I have also stayed away from pills and potions.  So what in the world was I thinking when I sat and watched a video for one of these fads?

I woke up the other morning and lay in bed whilst Jadon was in the shower.  I picked up my phone and started to scroll.  It wasn’t long before I stumbled upon an ad for some diet fad.  I honestly don’t know what possessed me to read the ad.  And even more confounding is the fact that I clicked the video to watch.  The video droned on...‘I ate three donuts for breakfast and lost weight anyway and I didn’t even exercise’.  Oh yes the video was preaching a plan that included no exercise needed and you could eat anything you want and yet still lose weight.  Of course I didn’t believe that.  But I kept watching.  Eventually I just wanted to know what the gimmick for this plan was.  

I actually never stuck around to even get the name of the product.  But I stayed long enough to get the ‘science’ and concept behind the gimmick.   Gut health...good intestinal bacteria versus bad intestinal bacteria.  I listened and something intrigued me about this science. I vowed to do my own research....right after I got out of the shower.   I stopped the video.  I had heard enough.

I started my research within a half hour of watching that video.   I didn’t go too deep.  I went far enough to see what some of the main symptoms of imbalanced bacteria within us might bring.    And while I found that gut bacferia doesn’t cause weight loss or weight gain, the ‘gut health’ and bacteria do have a ripple affect that will affect my overall efforts to lose and maintain weight.   But the big thing that got me was that one of the main symptoms is sleep disturbances.  Sleep disturbances have been  the highlight of my previous year.  (I’ve been blaming it on my age...and that may be the reason...but who knows!)

I read the foods to eat to support good gut health.   Ironically enough I used to eat perfectly for good gut health.  Seriously,  when I lost all that weight I ate sauerkraut at least 5 days a week...it was almost like a free food because the calories were so low!! (And way back when, it was one of the few free foods on Weight Watchers).    But when I divorced my eating went way out of whack.  I ate poorly.  I didn’t eat the organic food...the plethora of veggies...and for the last two years before Jason and I moved to our place, I was eating out for almost every meal...lots of processed foods, fried foods and sugar!   Did my body get out of whack???

I’m not buying into the hype.  But I researched good foods to eat.  I haven’t been eating the natural foods that add healthy bacteria...but I plan on starting again!   In the meantime, taking a probiotic can’t hurt!  (I have lately been doing quite well with the prebiotic rich foods so that was a lessor concern for me!)    

So wish me luck!   Weight loss would be nice.  Better sleep would be nice (literally Friday night I fell asleep and woke up wide awake 2 hours later and couldn’t go back to sleep....by 3 or so on Saturday afternoon I was a sight, I was so tired!)!   But overall if I improve my health...it’s a win!

We had a good weekend.  We had a quick trip to see my mom and to visit Jason’s parents on Saturday. It was Mother’s Day so we wanted to see our moms!   

On Sunday we ran our errands and then we spent the afternoon  geocaching.  It was a bit drizzly and overcast  for a good portion of the day but it was perfect for geocaching.   And our geocaching took us to some interesting places.

We went to a park and three old graveyards.  The graveyards were neat.  Some of the graves were from the early 1800’s.

The time at the park was just a good time since we were outside and able to be in nature!

Now back to work...and the weekday grind.  It is going to be a super stressful week for me at work. Lots going on!  I’m determined to not allow the stress to drive me to the kitchen!  I’m determined to keep my eating under control!!!!

Sitting on the Fence

This week has not been a raging success.   This week has not been a colossal failure.   This week has simply been a steady line.  And honestly...for that, I am amazed because the week has been nuts!

Yes...you read that right.  In terms of weight loss...I am sitting still. My numbers from last week to this week remained largely the same.  There was not much fluctuation on the scales. On one hand that totally disgusts me.  I’m not eating crazy amounts of food.  I’m eating 1400-1500 calories daily.   Typically I limit my carbs.  I haven’t done too badly overall.  So it is annoying as all get out that I’m still sitting here with the scales not moving. However, this week has been nuts at work!   I am hanging on by the skin of my teeth.   There is a new launch at work.  Hopelessness, confusion, stress, worry and feelings of being overwhelmed are just a smattering of feelings that have courses through me this week. And let me tell you, those feelings linger and stay within me even after the work day is over.  The launch of these new (to me and my coworkers)  products is slated for Monday...ready or not.   And I do NOT feel ready.  The last launch of something new was 2-3 months ago and that launch week brought tears and a really rough first week.....and I felt prepared for that launch...unlike this one.  So I fear next week...thus incredible stress.    I am vowing to eat right and not let the stress drive me toward food.   And I plan to continue with my exercise bike rides on my breaks/lunch.    I want a loss...but I know that realistically a maintain this week and next will be a victory!  

It’s been a rainy week but Jason and I have managed to dodge the raindrops and have continued to get our after work walks in each night.  We got wet/damp one or two nights..but never drenched.   The forecast isn’t looking good today...so we shall see about tonight’s walk!

I am still on track with my  2021 mile challenge!  It is rare that I don’t get my minimum requirement of 6 miles for each day. So I’m happy with that!

Mertz has stayed close to me while I have been at work.  Many days she gets on my desk and is in my face.  She must be sensing my stress...she hasn’t been in my face and on my desk...but I have caught her a few times laying on the cat braided mini rug! My girl staying close!

Shifting my Focus

A new week a new start...that should have been my title for this post!  But....I have had that title, or something like that soooo many times that I just couldn’t bear to do it!  So shifting focus....

Last week was a really rough week in my weight loss journey.   I totally stopped .....oh I didn’t go totally off the rails.   I stopped watching and focusing on my fruits and veggies.   Water?  What’s that!   And when I went back and randomly checked the calories on some days I was amazed to find myself in the correct range.   Notice I said when I went back randomly. Yeah, I didn’t track!

I struggled to write anything.  I struggled to make any videos.  I struggled to share my ...well my struggle.  As my angst grew my frustration followed in intensity.  This journey is difficult!  This journey to lose weight is one of the hardest things I have ever done!    It’s definitely not for the faint at heart!

I was sitting at my desk yesterday at work and looking over at my closet of crafts and hobby supplies.  (Mostly dollhouse stiff but also camera gear).  I knew that I just needed to step away from my YouTube channel for my weight loss journey.  It is too cumbersome at the moment.  It is too much. I spend hours with comments.  I spend time planning, filming and editing my videos.  I feel as if my recent videos are slapped together and not well done.  And that bothers me.   I knew that it was time to step back.  I plan on posting a ‘taking some time’ video’ just to note what is happening. and I do plan on returning.  But I need to step back and refocus on what is important.....me.    That doesn’t mean that I am quitting my journey. It just means that I am going back to the basics.  Focusing on me.  I am not walking away from this site either.  I will be continuing to chronicle my fluctuating journey here.   And I plan on just being me.

I am totally at peace with this decision for the moment.  At least until the desire and creativity kick back in and at that time it will be the time to reevaluate.

We had a good weekend.   We got in a nice long bike ride.

We actually went about 20 miles on the canal.  My legs were a bit sore at the end. And my butt..I didn’t realize how sore that was until Monday when I sat my behind on the exercise bike seat.  OUCH!   But it was a fabulous day to be outside!  (And I didn’t let the sore butt deter me from my required miles on Monday...for those down also!)

Weeven saw an owl...up close and personal!  There were a bunch of photographers there taking pictures so we stopped and watched for a bit also.

I am frustrated beyond belief.  I’m sick of this journey.  But I am not icing up.  I know I can do it, I’ve done it before.   I can do this!!!