My downfall

This has been a week of soul searching for me. Deep soul searching.  It has led me to one question.   What is wrong with me?

You may be wondering why I ask this question.  It is born from the fact that I have a pattern.  I immerse myself in a project, hobby or task.  I am all about this task.  But then I ‘lose interest’, grow weary or whatever you want to call it and I leave that hobby in the dust.   Many times, I do circle back around to it eventually, but only for a short period of time.  This leaves me as a Jack of all trades, master of none.  It also leaves me with multiple ideas and projects that are in a semi state of upheaval and half finished projects.

You think I’m jesting?   Let’s see, just in hobbies I have immersed myself in scrapbooking and paper crafts, crochet, quilting, and scrubbie making, just to name a few.  The jack of all trades approach has served me well as I fell into the hobby of miniatures though.  I dabble in all sorts of those hobbies as I complete projects for my dollhouses.

But let’s go further......

  I fell headlong into photography.  I played with my cameras.  I learned. I even earned money with some photographic shoots.  Yet I never became a spectacular photographer to really master the hobby.

I was going to be a writer.  And while I have one self published book , I never marketed it.  Furthermore,  I sit on an unfinished book that is 3/4 of the way written.   I started this book years ago!

YouTube.  Yes, been there done that! (Doing that actually). I have a channel for my weight loss and fitness attempts in conjunction with this channel  I actually really enjoy my channel.  And I have a fair amount of followers.  But I occasionally grow weary of the time it takes to maintain the channel.  

I stumbled upon a video today about an Etsy shop and my mind immediately said ‘that sounds fun’. Maybe I should do that!   I have also dabbled with starting a YouTube channel for my dollhouse and building projects.  (Oh and let’s not forget that I already have a blog for my dollhouse...)

What is wrong with me?   Why can I not settle into one or two ideas and really flesh those ideas out and do them really well?  Why must I jump from idea to idea and never really master anything?  It is frustrating sometimes.

And that brings me to my deep thoughts for the week.  I have picked up some books at the library on my kindle and realized how much I have missed reading.  But when can I find time to read???   I already struggle to get my YouTube videos out...I already struggle to find time to do work on my dollhouses.  Something has to give. So, what do I want to do with my YouTube channel.  It takes time...a lot of time to create and edit and watch videos that are posted by my followers.  Just like it takes time for this blog and my readers here.  I have been failing miserably at following anyone of late...anywhere.  I just don’t have enough time for everything when I add in work and life responsibilities.

I fear that if I give up YouTube that I will regret it.  But it is so time consuming.  So what to do???   I am toying with creating videos when I want just to chronicle my life...not as much weight loss. Just memories!  But I question that decision (which is why I haven’t committed to anything yet).  I do know one thing for certain.  Giving up this blog is not an option.  I realized that really early on in my deep pondering.  I have never not wanted to write here. I have gone through stages where I don’t write as often.  I have gone through periods when I don’t know how I will fit it into my life, but I always wanted to continue and always held the interest.  

Life is crazy and I need to find the balance I crave.  I wish I knew why I jump from project to project and always seem to have a ‘great idea’ floating around in my head.  Or more importantly I wish I knew why I became bored with the implementation of these ideas and dreams.   In the meantime, I will continue to ponder and think of options....and most likely dream up new ideas!

 

As a side note, I just found a challenge set by lessofme108days. And this challenge was made for me.  So I am happy to join in!!!!  The guidelines she has set for herself, that I am shamelessly going to follow?  

1. Stick to between 1,200 and 1,400 calories a day
2. A minimum of 7,000 steps per day
3. Lose 10 pounds by May 31
4. Post progress on my blog

The only change I may make?  The steps.  I am going to try for the 7k steps but my goal will remain the 5k that I currently have!!!

Expect some reports coming your way!!!!

Weight watchers vs Calorie Counting

So this past week I started the great debate in my mind.  Which is better?  Calorie counting or Weight watchers points counting?    How to decide what method to follow????

I started my weight loss journey years ago with some rudimentary calorie counting.  I started with good old pen and paper and a calorie book.  But then I started to use a website, I  believe the website that I used was fitday.com.  Eventually I switched over to Weight Watchers and I had great success with the plan.  I even made lifetime.  But at some point I had issues......I know that some of the issues that I had were in my own head , my attitude and behaviors.  BUT, I also know that when they changed the plan and added so many additional free foods (fruits for one) that I struggled.  I worked the system, even before they added so many free foods.  And it worked for me when the free foods were limited.. Yes, I ate green beans (free) and Sourkraut (also free) and a Wasa cracker (the one I got was free points) EVERY. DAY. FOR. LUNCH.  I ate green beans and sourkraut so much in the year or so it took me to lose my weight that I didn't eat those things for a few years afterward.  But the free foods were limited and so I was limited and restricted.....which for a food addict is a good thing!

When weight watchers stopped working, I started counting calories using myfitnesspal.com.  This works too.  Recently though I had figured out that my body is whacky!  I only lose when my calories are down at about 1200 to 1400 calories.   If I hover around 1400-1600 calories I maintain and anything over that I gain.  I know...I know....this is not typical.  By the numbers I should be losing at 1500 calories...but I can't help it!  It is what it is!

But a month or two ago I decided to rejoin weight watchers.  And I had success for the first few weeks but then it just became a constant struggle.  I want to know why??

So about a week ago, I decided to double track.  I did that for most days this past week.  And I remembered a few things and learned a few things.  Number one....I love the fruit and all of those 'FREE" fruits still do add up in calories.  Number two......my daily points, without my weekly points usually take me right to the 1500 calorie mark.   I have already ascertained that I don't lose at that caloric level!  So maybe it is no wonder that I am not losing.  Those first few weeks on weight watchers, i was gung ho and I ate below my points goal each day......so I was most likely eating down around 1200 calories!  Then when I am 'spot on' and expecting a loss because of being spot on with my points I am really sitting at 1500 calories...which is maintain zone for me.  And Heavens...those weeks when I drill into my weekly points (which I could never eat many of my weekly points....or activity points even way back when I was losing the weight the first time)  I am up in my gain zone!

It all makes sense for me!   So that leaves me with the question........weight watchers points or calorie tracking ?    I haven't decided yet.   They both have certain aspects that I like.  I know that double tracking is just to unwieldy and time consuming. But I just hate to make that decision!   Hmmmm...maybe I will just push off that decision for another week..or two!

Weekly Weigh in

I had a good week.  It was full of revelations and thoughts about where I am and what I am doing in this journey.  I had some victories. I had a failure, well maybe not exactly a failure, but not exactly a victory.   But instead of me beating around the bush and hinting at my weight loss efforts for the week, lets just get right to it!

We got a nice hike in at the beginning of this weigh in week.  It was a fun little hike. 

 It had everything to make it spectacular. It had, pretty scenery, some lessons in the types of trees along the trail via the little markers that dotted the edge of the trail and time spent with Jason!  What could go wrong!  Uhhh, maybe my stumble and fall!  Yes, i fell.....AGAIN!  Why must I be such a clutz?   my right arm was bruised and ached for days, but I was ok.  My gopro took a direct hit, but seems to be doing ok also, even though it is also bruised and dinged up!

Work from home continues to be a joy.  Yes, I am thoroughly enjoying the work from home opportunity that I have been afforded during this time of upheaval in our world.  My cat makes it a bit difficult sometimes for me to work.....and seriously, uncomfortable and awkward at times

Ok, she doesn't always try to clean her behind at my desk...while I'm working. Sometimes she just likes to nap between myself and the keyboards and monitors.

My eating has settled down some.  I have been much more conscious and cognizant of my lunchtime eating and have been starting to get that under control.  I have been doing an intermittent fasting and not eating breakfast.  It is a blessing to not have to worry about that extra opportunity to eat and lose control, but I do find myself hungrier at lunch when I do break that fast, so it makes that a bit trickier to navigate.   But I'm going to figure this out!.

I am still working on the "it's only a day" method of looking at food that I talked about in a post from last week.  It really does work for me for the most part.  

My weight.  GRRRRR   I didn't lose.....I actually gained a bit.  I am just kind of maintaining ...about 5-6 pounds up from my most recent lowest weight.  I'm super happy that the gain-fest is over and that I seem to be maintaining  But I want this weight gone, NOW!  

I am ready for this isolation and quarantine to be lifted.  I enjoy being at home.  I enjoy the time with Jason, as always.  But I am tired of the restrictions of what we can do and where we can go.  Ohhh to go into an antique store and just browse.  How fabulous does that sound about now????   A walk through the mall on a rainy day??   WHy yes please!      Ahhhhh, the things we used to take for granted!

So life continues on.  I am still here and working my weight loss efforts.  I know that I can beat this!  Baby steps and small improvements on attitude  and habits each and every day is what will get me there!!!   I will win this!!!!

Just one day

This struggle to get my eating under control is quite real!!!!   

How is it that I seem to have lost all willpower to control my eating?  But I have!

After my non scale victory and the success in stopping the weight gain, I made a pact with myself.  

Just one day at a time.   I am not promising to eat right for a month or even a week.  I am just trying to do it one day at a time.   I can give up cake for one day.  One little itty bitty day!  Sure I can do that!  What’s one day!

The trick is to remember to make that vow each and every morning!!!!!   When I do....success comes my way!!!

Weigh in....or not

How did I fail to write my weekly weigh in blog and get it posted when I needed it to be posted?   Apparently I forgot Friday’s post also!  But no fears, I have some stuff floating around in my head for the post that I didn’t write...it will get out here eventually!!!

Let me not beat around the bush.  I maintained last week!   I didn’t lose.  But even more importantly, I didn’t gain!  That maintain is HUGE!   Why? I have been on a gaining spiral since our world went topsy turvy!    So stopping that bad spiral is a huge victory!!!

Even more?  I had a huge non scale victory!  You see, we took our first mountain bike ride!  And while I didn’t actually ‘nail it’, I didn’t die!   I also didn’t cry! And yes I have cried on the trail on more than one occasion!  I also did not have to stop on any incline!  I pedaled my way through the trails that we hit without letting up!  Sure, I was slow....but I did it!

We even got in a hike and a lot of walks throughout the week!

A victory like that bike ride was and is huge for me!  I needed to see a little success!  I needed something in this weight loss journey to be positive.   I won’t say it was the kick in the butt that I needed, but it was much needed to take away that huge feeling of failure that I had been dealing with!

So that is where I am at.  I’m still struggling a bit with my eating.  But I’m still here and not giving up.  I have my good moments and I have my bad moments...food is just my addiction and it’s...well it’s hard!   But I’m working on it!  That in itself is a victory!!!

Depression Cake

We are in a crazy time in our world.  So  many people are struggling financially as thy wait for assistance.  The grocery stores are picked over and some items are non existent. Our country (and the world) has gone through hard times before and I know that we can make it through this with our heads held high.  But as we struggle, sometimes it is good to look at history for advice and ideas.

A week or two ago I saw a recipe on facebook for Depression cake.  This cake recipe was developed during the great depression.  It was developed at a time when it was difficult to find items.  Butter and Eggs were a luxury and therefore baking a cake for a celebration or a simple treat was extremely difficult.  But through the ingenuity of our ancestors, they came up with a recipe for Chocolate cake.  And on my, does it ever taste good.  It has no eggs and no butter!  It is simple to make and well..I already said, it's delicious!  So let me share this with you!

Depression Cake

Ingredients:
1 1/2 cup flour
1 cup Sugar
1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla
1 tps vinegar
1/3 cup vegetable oil
1 cup water.

Directions:
1. Spray a 13x9 baking sheet with a non stick cooking spray
2.  To the baking pan, add the flour, sugar, cocoa, baking powder and salt.  Whisk together.
3.  Make three small wells in the flour mixture two small and one large.  In the first well pour the vanilla in the second well, pour the vinegar and in the third (and larger well) pour the vegetable oil. 
4. To the pan add 1 cup of water.   Stir until well combined.  Spread batter evenly in the pan
5.  Bake at 350 degrees for 25-30 minutes or until done. (Insert a toothpick or knife in the center of the cake,when it comes out clean the cake is done.)
6.  Eat without icing or use your favorite frosting recipe to enhance this delicious cake.  One easy and economical way to add a topping is to take a bag of chocolate chips and pour over the cake immediately upon removing it from the oven. Spread the melted chocolate evenly and allow to cool.


I told you it was easy didn't I?  I made this a week ago and Jason asked me last night if I can back another one for him to snack on this week.  So that is a WONDERFUL testament to how good this cake tastes!   Happy Baking....enjoy!

Weigh In time: Groundhog Day

I feel as if I am stuck in the movie Groundhog Day.  I keep repeating myself....week after week.  It is the same thing and I can't seem to break from the cycle!

I gained....I have a plan....I'm going to crush this upcoming week..  I gained....I have a plan...I am going to crush this upcoming week.  Over and over and over.  It's embarrassing. It's frightening.  It's disappointing.  It is my life.

I actually started out this weight loss week really strong.  We hiked....twice.  We biked.....once.  My legs were wiped out!  I was tickled with the start to my week.

But my eating, while it wasn't horrible, wasn't perfect and the scales showed a pretty significant gain.  What?  I tracked my food and definitely don't feel as if I deserve a gain!   It is frustrating!

So I am regrouping... AGAIN.   I am looking at different options.  And I am trying again!   Perseverance will with this battle right?  I am going to revisit intermittent fasting.  I am going to be sitting tight on breakfast and not eating until about noon.  I am hoping that it gives me a bit of a kick start to losing weight again.   I am also hoping that 'freeing up' those calories/points that I have been eating in the morning gives me the leeway that I need during my lunches, which are MUCH harder to navigate now that I am working from home. 

Like I said..I've got this.  I WILL find the magic formula for my body and my current lifestyle in these crazy times!  A weight loss journey is a struggle.  It requires patience, constant change and adjustments and perseverance.  I'm still on track....just taking a minor detour!!!!

Better Late ....... Monthly Review

Ok ok ok, I know!  It is already April 8th and I am just getting to my monthly review for the month of March!  What in the world happened?  Where did time go?  Ohhhh....maybe I was stuck in the throes of my pity party and panic when the new month rolled around!  Yeah, that's it!

Regardless....the month of March ended and that means it deserves the monthly review....So here we go!


1.       Track Every bite  This was spot on at the beginning of the month but by the end of the month when I was sinking into my state of panic, this became much more hit or miss.  This is absolutely the easiest goal to reach and yet I failed!  
2.       Build my Savings  With everything going on, this did not happen.....nor will it be happening for the unforseeable future.  We are currently a one income family and that is already stretching us to the limit (and possibly beyond the limit depending on how much unemployment comes our way).
3.       Weigh less at the end of the month  (who cares how much as long as it is less!) SKIP this one please......ok ok ok, I didn't lose...in fact I gained about three pounds.  FAILLURE
4.       Be active at least 20 minutes four times a week! WIN WIN WIN!  I did this one!!!!!!!   
5.       Keep my eating in check at least 6 days of the week (Allowing one cheat meal) and never never never go over my limit in weekly points in a week!  (And currently I am not swapping and using my fit points!) Failure alert!  This did NOT happen.  At the beginning of the month I was barely keeping it together and by the end of the month I was way off the rails!
 6.       Average 5,000 steps a day!  (While this is still an average, I will be looking more closely at my  daily totals  to try to avoid the hikes carrying the rest of my slacker days!  This one is another win!  WOOHOOO!  All of those lunchtime walks (beginning of the month) and my sporadic runs at lunch (end of month) coupled with the weekend hikes made this EASY!

I'm not proud of the month of March.  Not proud at all.  But I can look at it as a lesson learned.  That is exactly how I plan on moving forward.....the past is a lesson learned and those lessons are going to make me stronger and better!!!!!!  SO what is happening for this upcoming month?  What are my goals/??  Almost exactly the same....with the exception of the savings. That one is on hold!

1.       Track Every bite 
2.       Build my Savings----- This one is on hold until life returns to normal
3.       Weigh less at the end of the month  (who cares how much as long as it is less!)
4.       Be active at least 20 minutes four times a week!
5.       Keep my eating in check at least 6 days of the week (Allowing one cheat meal) and never never never go over my limit in weekly points in a week!  (And currently I am not swapping and using my fit points!)
 6.       Average 5,000 steps a day!  (While this is still an average, I will be looking more closely at my  daily totals  to try to avoid the hikes carrying the rest of my slacker days!

So there you have it.  I am moving forward with a plan in place.  I am moving forward with a motivation in my veins.   I am moving forward with excitement to see what in the world I can do to better myself this month!

Crazy times

These are some crazy times we are living in.  Life has gone absolutely nuts!  I have seen things in the last month that I would have never dreamed of.  We are living in an unprecedented times. 

 I never thought that I would have to wait in a line to go to a grocery store.  Yet I have.

  I am used to seeing toilet paper, water and bread being picked over when there is a threat of a snow storm. But to see some of these aisles barren for an extended period is shocking.  (This picture were taken this weekend  about a month after this craziness started).

I never thought I would witness the incredible numbers of people applying for unemployment.  Yet it is happening and continues to happen more and more every day. 

I allowed myself to sink into a fit of despair last week.  I talked about it in this post.  And I have admittedly struggled with the worries.  I have allowed myself to be worried about finding food (when the craziness started simple staples were in short supply). I have allowed myself drown in financial worries.  I have even worried about the security of my job through all of this.  Luckily I'm working from home....and for a rather large company so for the most part I feel secure.  But it is so difficult to not by into the panic.

But the other day I realized that I was worrying about things that I have no control over.  I have no control over being a one paycheck household for the time being.  Worrying about when unemployment will come through is not productive.  It will kick in when it kicks in.  It will be in the amount that it is going to be.....regardless of my worries.  I can take precautions to be as safe and cautious about my safety....but honestly, other than that, if I get sick, I get sick.  I can lower the odds, but I can't remove the risk entirely!  I can worry about my family....but is worry going to change anything???

I know...it's harder said than done.  It's hard to stop the anxiety and worry.  But I'm trying.  I'm trying to keep myself busy. I'm trying to focus on what I CAN control.  I am trying to focus on making me the best me possible. 

Luckily, that still includes hiking. (that has not been temporarily taken away from us..YET.  So we are enjoying it while we can.

It means that I am focusing on my hobbies. I am taking time to work on my dollhouses.  I am taking time to do something that is relaxing and comforting to me.

And lastly, it means that I am not wallowing in self pity and instead I am taking control of my diet and exercise.  In the day or two before I started to work from home I had this vague dream
of using this time to really lose weight.  The goal was to step out of my exile in my home weighing significantly less.  I failed miserably during the first two weeks of my work from home stint.  But I am determined to turn that around. 

Now is the time.  I had had my eyes opened.  Now it's time to enact on what I can clearly see!  And I can clearly see the changes that need to be made in my life!  I've got this.

Weekly Weigh in Time: Areas of Improvment

Another week has passed in this weight loss journey.  And boy was it a rough one!  It had a whole lot that life could throw at me.   And it wasn't one I would like to repeat.....but in fairness, it could have been a WHOLE lot worse!  So let's get to it!

We had a really unconventional hike over the weekend to start off our week.  It had been rainy and everything was a soppy mess, but we still wanted to get outside.  So we did.  We went to the graveyard and we walked a bit.    It was good to get out and to breathe some fresh air.

The work week started and I FINALLY got Mertz to settle down....for the most part!  It has been absolutely crazy to get her to settle down..  She sees me home and working and she just wants all sorts of love and wants to be close to me.  If you don't have a clue what I'm talking about......here it is.....proof. It's a really short video..but makes me laugh every time I watch it.

So apparently Mertz did not like the placement of the chair that I had there for her.  She also apparently wanted a nice soft towel on  the chair.  For the most part she now stays on her chair alternating her time between staring out the window and sleeping. However, there are moments where she wants to be near me...but a few moments here and there are manageable.

For the good....I did manage to get in 2 runs on my lunch break.   But the bad?  I wimped out the other days.

My eating....hit or miss.  Some days it was sheer carnage in the kitchen at lunch.  But then other days I was spot on.  

Emotionally I was a wreck.  Now in fairness, some of that could be the normal hormonal issues.  But I know that a lot of it is the stress and worries over the current state of things.  So yes, I stress ate.

I also did not track my food as religiously as I normally do...I missed a few days.   I also have slipped up with my water consumption..  YIKES!

So that said....I DID gain weight.  2.2 pounds  I'm not happy at all.   But I am happy that I am still within the 2-3 pound range that I consider normal fluctuation. 

So moving forward. I have identified my areas of improvement.  They include the simple things like more religiously tracking my food and being super focused on drinking my water.  But I think the biggest area for improvement is the fact that I am determined to not let the stress and worry make me react in the way that I have been reacting.  I can't take the stress away.  But I can sit back and tell myself that sitting and worrying is NOT going to change things.  It is NOT going to make anything better and will in fact make things worse. (seriously, I had chest pains all week long)  Stopping anxiety isn't easy.  But I am trying.  

Chest pains

Ok let me get the white elephant out of the room.   I’m having chest pains.   Yes..chest pains.   Is it shortness of breath?  No...just an ache.   Do I think I have Covid 19. Probably not.    Do I think I’m having a heart attack?  I don’t think so   But regardless...I have chest pains!

So what is happening.   

Before I go on, I want to say that I have experienced a period in my life before where I suffered from chest pains.  Badly enough that I ended up in the ER.    Badly enough that I visited my family doctor numerous times and had a lung function test....and a this test and a that test.  And badly enough that I visited a cardiologist for more tests.  I went back and found the post where I first started talking about this issue....way back when.    They deemed me healthy as a horse and concluded that ‘maybe it’s stress’.   The chest pains continued on and off for a few years.  And then one day...they were gone.   Is it coincidental that they disappeared when my marriage ended?   I think not!!!  

I haven’t had a single chest pain in years!!!  And then all of a sudden a week or two ago they started.  

Of course the first thought was ‘tightness of chest’, I bet I’m getting the Corona Virus!  I kept it to myself for a few days...probably wrongly so.  (We were already doing the isolation thing with me working at homes so I wasn’t foolhardy with being out and about).  But the pains didn’t worsen.   In fact, as time went by I noticed that they would come and go.  

I have even gone running and while it feels really tight while I run the tightness isn’t long term and subsides shortly thereafter.  (Hey, I’m out of shape...I expect my chest to be tight at that point).  

I finally brought it up to Jason and told him that that ‘I’m having some chest pains and I think it’s from the stress’.  I couldn’t even make it through the conversation without crying.  The stress just came bubbling forth.   I watch the news and I fight tears.  I think about what’s happening, I fight tears.   I am just super stressed!   He is worried about my ticker...but hasn’t forbidden (aka kindly asked) me to not run on my lunch breaks!  He agrees it is most likely stress and anxiety but is a bit  worried about my heart.  But we both see how it gets worse when I’m talking and thinking about everything that’s going on.

Why the stress?   Jason is off work so I’m worried about being a one income family.  I’m petrified that my mom will get sick and I’ll lose her.  I’m worried about Jason...if he gets sick he doesn’t have health insurance....would he get the treatment he needs or would they opt to give limited treatment to someone that has insurance.  The news utter depresses me, yet I can’t stay away.  So yeah...stress!

So what is my plan???  It is definitely NOT to eat myself silly!  Although I did that one day for lunch this week.  It was a day that I was feeling blah. (Stress AND monthly hormones). I just didn’t go for a lunchtime run....which left me way too much time to eat lunch...and to keep eating lunch...and keep eating...and keep eating!!

I plan on continuing to try to run on my lunch breaks.   It feels good to get outside.  It breaks up the day at work and it gives me some fresh air.   

Most importantly....I pray and keep moving forward.   This time we are in is getting a lot of us.  But I know we can make it!   We just can’t give up!!!

Stay at home Orders

Well Maryland has done it.  They have joined the ranks of other states with stay at home orders.  It shouldn’t change our lives all that much.  We have been living under that ‘suggestion’ for a week already.   Jason goes out daily and drives to the woods to hike a bit....but exercise is allowed...specifically hiking.  So that should be ok to continue.   I have been going out for a run at lunch around my neighborhood...but once again, that should be ok also.  Really they just made the ‘essential business only’ suggestion an executive order.

Maryland does not have an end date.   Washington DC is through April 24...and Virginia is through June 10!   Shall we take bets on when the end really will be?

Meanwhile, working from home is going well.  I finally think I have my cat settled down. 

 She was all in my face for the first week of working from home.  Little did I know I just had to change the placement of the chair.  She did not like the rungs of the chair against the window....I had to put the chair as if she was sitting with me at the table/desk.  I also added a towel (she didn’t like the blanket) and voila....sleeping peaceful kitty!!!

Life is going well...the stress levels and anxiety are sky high....but I’m sure that’s for most people in our world right now!!   I’m just trying to continue a healthy life amidst this mess!!!!