I wrote a blog post today. It was heart wrenching, at least for me. I don’t know if I could call it profound, but it came from my heart. The problem? It was rambling and not clear and concise. So I’m going to try to paraphrase the idea in a nice short post.
I saw a picture of myself from 18 months ago. I was disgusted. My face looked so thin in relation to what it is now. Wow, I knew I had gained weight but it really hit home when I saw that picture.
Am I good enough to be loved? When will they decide im unlovable because of my weight??? Am I worthy of even having friends? Am I good enough to get another job promotion?? I’m sure you know the thoughts and emotions… I know that some of my emotions are derived from the baggage of my previous marriage that I actually talked about a few weeks ago. Furthermore and maybe most importantly, I know that these negative emotions are invalid.
The negative emotions make me want to knuckle down and lose every ounce of this excess weight. After all, if I lose the weight then my self worth and value increases right? But let me backtrack and remind myself and anyone reading this that those emotions are invalid...my self worth is NOT tied to my weight. So then I sit back and say the opposite thing. Why bother losing weight because I certainly never want to lose weight to make someone love me...or be friends with me. Been there done that!
I need to lose weight because I want to. I need to do it because I see the worthiness in living a healthy lifestyle. I need to do it because my knees ache and that is unacceptable to ME! I need to do it for ME...because I want the benefits. I will still be the same compassionate, caring, goodball girl if I lose the weight. My self worth won’t change, what will change is the activities I will be capable of doing!!!
(So earlier you got the thinner faced me from 18 mo this ago...here is the current...see the difference!!)
As I read your post today, I was hoping to have a profound comment or suggestion for you. All I can say is that you need to dig deep and find what is best for YOU.....not looking at your past or the struggles you have had. It took me years (like 40+) to finally lose weight for good and even now it is a daily struggle. I don't want to see those high numbers EVER AGAIN. Frustration still sets in regularly, even when I shop at stores and see they have my OLD BIG size in stock of an item I like and not my new size 12's. It is a brand new mind set and not one that is easily to convert to. Life sure would have been a lot easier if I was always a "normal" size, but life is rarely "normal". We just need to remember to take a day at a time and do it for OURSELF.....not for any other person in our life. May this give you the strength to keep moving forward in your journey to become healthy and happy!
ReplyDeleteThank you my friend!!!
DeleteBig hugs to you. I totally get the weight in the face thing - A picture came up in my FB memories this morning from 3 years ago when I thought I was about the weight I am now but my face was so much thinner. But seeing that is also motivating because I know that my face is the first place people notice weight loss.
ReplyDeleteYou aren't giving up which is important. You know you are very much loved by Jason and you are absolutely worthy of his love.
I sware that grief weight stays on your body more - While I don't grieve every day and my dad has been gone almost 4 years, but when I do grieve, and it pops up at the most random times, it can be crippling. But I also know that my dad would want me to be healthy.....but knowing that he isn't there to witness it makes it so hard sometimes.
You are so right about grief!!! It is totally crippling and totally detrimental to weight loss efforts!
DeleteI love your smile in both pictures! But the first step is learning to do this for you!.... nobody else. Don't look back to the past, look forward, always.
ReplyDeleteI keep telling myself...this effort is for ME!
DeleteDon't despair! In both of those pictures I see a woman who is happy and enjoying life. Work on the weight for your overall health, but don't let it bog you down...you're worth more than that.
ReplyDeleteYes there is a difference but just because you arent losing weight doesnt mean you arent moving in the right direction because you are. You are realizing truths about yourself and your situation that maybe before you wouldnt be able to see clearly. This body is just a house, for the real you, the beautiful you inside and that will never change no matter how much the outside does. Sometimes our mind has to catch up before our body can move forward.
ReplyDeleteSociety makes it hard to remember that....luckily I know it deep down...
DeleteThe first thing I noticed about your second picture is your big smile and how truly happy you look. I still get feeling disappointed about the weight gain since the first picture, but a lot of people don't have honest happiness in their lives. You are already ahead on that front. I agree with other comments to move forward, don't look back. Your future is not behind you!
ReplyDeleteYou are right, I am so very luckily to be honestly happy!!!
DeleteI couldn't say it better than the others already have. So I'll just say your AWESOME. You're kind and caring and so worth all the happiness in the world. And I'm glad to count you as a friend.
ReplyDeleteHere's to moving forward!