A glitch in thinking: weight loss emotions

How often do we feel like giving up??? How often do we just want to throw in the towel and say ‘enough is enough’.  I’m done attempting to do this weight loss thing.  It is bound to happen.  And happen it did to me this week!

After my fabulous weekend when I smashed my goals but showed a gain on the scales I headed into the work week super motivated to knock this weight loss into high gear.   I had already stocked the house with healthy snacks and nutritious foods so I was ready!

On Monday I rolled through my day pretty well.  I kept to my plan and honestly feel as if I did well.   And the scales still didn’t budge!   So on Tuesday while I stayed on plan....I really dealt with a whole lot of emotional angst!  My underlying thought that tippled through my brain at regular intervals was the concept of ‘is this even worth it?’   I mean, I like myself.  I’m head over heels in love and he doesn’t seem to mind my excess weight. So seriously...why am I torturing myself?   What in the world am I doing?

Now even as I write this a day later, part of me just wants to end the post right there.   But I have to be fair....I am doing this for a variety of reasons.

I want to be fit and active.   I want to be able to hike and ride my bike and do things.  I want to wear neat clothes and not be self conscious about my body.  And I want to be the way I was when I lost the weight.  I had so much energy, I had so much pep in my step, I felt on top of the world!  I want that.

But yet...on days where progress is just not happening I question my determination to do this to completion!

I am still working on this.  I don’t know what the problem is.  In an e-mail to a friend yesterday I talked about where I’m at.  It seems as if the only thing I can do is drop my calories to 1200...because I’m not losing at 1500 calories.   I didn’t want to do that because that level is very ‘restrictive’ and I have been trying to find a balance...even if it is a much slower weight loss journey for me....it would be a good trade off.  But that said, I’m barely maintaining at 1500 calories.  Tracking every bite...my food for yesterday??  Banana for breakfast...side salad with cheese (for protein) with honey mustard dressing (the only non veggie things in the salad was the cheese and salad dressing) and I also had some cut up fresh pineapple for lunch.     For dinner I had a cup of leftover spaghetti and a bowl of vegetarian three bean chili ....I had fat free sour cream with the chili....I was still hungry so I ended my dinner with 1/2 cup cottage cheese....which hit the spot.   

That is a typical day.   Banana for breakfast, fruit and a salad (or a pb&j) for lunch, and a nututious balanced dinner.    (Tonight is a Parmesan Chicken, Baked zucchini Parmesan and another side veggie or roasted potatoes...as yet undetermined...pretty balanced)

So who knows!  I have not given up...just allowing my emotional angst to play itself out and hopefully go away!  

We had snow lasts night...and now cold.  Lucky us (and lucky most people in the stares as the cold is pretty widespread!). So I will leave you with a snow picture!!

In the meantime....I’ll keep fighting the emotional demons down!!!

Did I smmmmmaash the pattern: yo-yo weight

The weekend has ended.  I sit here almost ready to head to work to start this new week!   I had grand plans for the weekend!  I was so going to smash the cycle that I’ve been in for months.  I had a plan and I vowed to have some fun over the weekend also.  So how did I do?

The weekend was a success with my eating.  I had vowed to not snack and not indulge in non nutritious foods when I got hungry.   On Saturday that meant that I had a banana.  On Sunday that meant that I had a small bowl of cottage cheese.   I also kept my calories in check and feel good about my food intake.   Win!!!!

My next goal for the weeekend was to drink at least 64 ounces of water, my water consumption on the weekend is usually lacking.   I nailed this one too!   I got over 64 ounces both days...although I will admit that on Sunday I squeezed my win out by the skin of my teeth!!!  Win!!

I walked for about 35 minutes on Saturday!   

Cold walk around the perimeter of the field while Jason flew his drone.

We also took a short hike for 45 minutes on Sunday!!!!  

Cold creek on our walk along a trail!  No swimming today!

Exercise too!   A bonus win!!!!

So my weight....did I smash the goal????  Cue the self deprecating laughter.   Oh yeah, I smashed this goal!   But not in a good way.   The cycle has been that over the weekend my weight drops then oops back up on Monday or Tuesday.  Well....my weight never dropped this past weekend!   So while my goal was to let it drop and KEEP it low and this smash the cycle...I guess I can say that I did smash the pattern because the cycle was broken in that my weight never dropped!

So why did my weight never drop?   Who knows.  I know that my monthly water retention weight gain  is upon me...I did have some more saltier/sodium laden foods.   But I didn’t break the bank in calories and I ate healthy, nutritious food!   So who knows!  I’m not giving up...I’m still staying the course!!!

Challenge accepted: and a rare Saturday post

Ahhh. A rare Saturday post!!!!  But I was reading fellow blogs today and couldn’t not post.  I wanted to get this info out there ASAP!!!

I have accepted two challenges.   They are both by fellow bloggers and they both start on Sunday the 27th!  (However if your reading this a bit later...feel free to join me...just adjust your numbers to accommodate the late start!!)  The first is through the blog mystalkerisfat .  This challenge sounds like something right up my alley!  There is no heavy tracking or anything like that.  It is nice and simple and allows some wiggle room for life that gets crazy!

How it works?  First decide how many days a week you want to be active.  (Ok not want...WILL be active). I am choosing 4.  Next how long will you be active those four days?  I am choosing 20 minutes.  (I was thinking 30...but I am woefully lame right now so I am starting small!).  This challenge goes to the end of February...which is 5 weeks.  Calculate how many minutes that is over the next five weeks.  So I took 4 days times my 20 minutes = 80 minute. Then I took the 80 minutes and multiplied that by 5 weeks =  600 minutes!    Boom!  I have my goal ...600 minutes!!!

It’s as easy as simply writing down my numbers of minutes in my dayplanner and adding them together however often I chose to add!  (Weekly?  Lol)

The second challenge... it is at spinningmywheels   It goes hand in hand with the first challenge...except that this is more food related. It is also a marvel in simplicity! Track your food daily....AND stay under your caloric goal every day except one cheat day (or I will add in , stay under you WW daily goal if you are WW) .  I like this...it still allows you one day to ‘mess up’ be it on purpose or accidental!   I have been preaching for a while that this is life and life is NOT perfect...so embrace and plan for the failure  because it will happen!  This challenge does just that by giving us that cheat day.   

So how this works?   In your day planner...or calendar or anywhere really...give yourself a point for each day you stay under your caloric goal!  Easy peasy!   I am going to give myself a star in my day planner!!  :-). 

Both are easy...both are super cool ways to challenge ourselves to stay the course and be healthy!!!!   

If you want, feel free to join in!  Mystalker...has set up a Facebook page (link in her comments) for her challenge  that I have asked to join...I don’t know how well it will take off...but it is another chance for support so I’m in!!!

Smash the Cycle: yo-yo weight loss

I have had this weird cycle thing going with my weight.  It has been going on for months.  I talked about it in Late summer of last year!!!  I mentioned it throughout the winter.   And it is still going on!  I spent some time thinking (in the shower of course) and talking to a friend about it (Thanks Julie) and I believe that I may have found some clarity to my issues

The cycle is that I am in goes something like this…..

On my official weekend weigh in day, my weight is nice and low!  Hurray for me!  I don’t pig out over the weekend, but on Monday or Tuesday my weight pops up about 2 pounds!   Booo for me!!!  I sent my Wednesday morning weigh in results to my friend Julie and they usually are a bit lower each week…which gives me SOME hope, but it is still annoying to see my weight jump up each mid-week, even though it does go down again on the weekend. 

For example……..a typical two week period (totally made up numbers, because quite frankly, I am feeling lazy and it would have been way too much work to go get real numbers……but I will say that the first two numbers were real)

Saturday 250.0

Wednesday 251.4

Saturday 249.6

Wednesday 251.0

Saturday 249.2

You see….painstakingly slow!  So the other morning in the shower I really spent some time thinking about it.  I can’t help but wonder what results I would be getting weekly if I didn’t have that pop on the scales. (I have lost 2.8 pounds for January as of last weekend’s official weigh in, so I am losing…just SLOOOOOW).  So I decided to really try to keep that weight from popping this upcoming weekend.

I immediately said to myself.  WATER.  I need to make sure that I’m drinking lots of water on the weekend.  I know that my water intake is a whole lot less on the weekends.  I try, but it gets away from me.  I was easily on board with that plan.   But if I was going into the weekend and really try, I also knew that I had to really watch my caloric intake.  No, if you remember, my goal for January is NOT to watch my caloric intake, but to simply track. (the side benefit is that if I’m tracking, I’m usually eating within my goal range of calories!)   Ok, ok ok….I grudgingly agreed to actually restrict and make sure that I was in the lower realm of calories for each weekend day.

But then at work that day, I was writing an email to my friend Julie…and this is what I wrote…….and it brought clarity to my weekend weight woes.

My weight is down from where it was last Wednesday…like a pound down. So that is good.  I’m up from the weekend weigh in though.  GRRRR  it is crazy but my weight does the exact same thing each week.  It pops up on Monday or Tuesday and sits high all week long and then Saturday or Sunday it drops to a new low….(last Saturday  I was down to 250.0…..which is a 2.8 pound loss for January……today I’m back up to 251.2)   I was thinking in the shower this morning.  I am going to work really hard….drink TONS of water this weekend and really watch my food intake and see if I can break this cycle.   The odd thing is that I don’t really eat all that differently over the weekend.  Actually probably less…hmmmm thinking back though…not as much fruit as normal…and probably less veggies too since we usually get subs one night and pizza or Chinese another night.  HMMMM

 

Jason doesn’t eat unless he is really hungry.  (REALLY HANGRY)  I can’t even fathom why food has no pull on him!  It is insanely odd to me!   Ohh and he doesn’t like bread.   Who in their right mind doesn’t like bread?????  In some regards that is good for me…because if we are out and about we very rarely say “lets pick up lunch”  so it forces me to actually sit back and say “I’m hungry….really  hungry” before I say “lets stop and grab something for me to eat”.  (Closet eater and all that…I have to be REALLY hungry before I will make us stop because, well that’s not closet eating!)    But it’s bad on the other hand because since we don’t eat regularly when we are together there is a very good chance that I will end up eating a snack/something non-nutritious when I do get hungry!   

 

CLARITY!  The light bulb went off!  Yeah, my calories are in my range over the weekend…BUT I’m not eating as nutritiously as I do on the weekdays.  Add that to the high sodium of Chinese, subs and pizza (which I am eating in moderation!) and I have stirred up the perfect recipe for disaster!

So with that said, it helped me cement a weekend plan to break this weigh in cycle that I am in.   1.  DRINK DRINK DRINK…..Water…hahaha  but then you knew that because I don’t drink too much alcohol!  2.  Really watch my food intake….I haven’t been trying to stay beneath a certain calorie count, but this weekend I am going to do it!   And 3….and maybe the most important one…….eat nutritiously. Turn to fruit versus un-nutritious snacks!

So I’m ready to head into the weekend!  I’m waiting for my weight to go back down and then I’m ready to implement these three things!!!   It is time to smash this cycle!!!!

Best Gadget Ever: Weight Loss/Fitness Tool

For just a bit let’s think about the possibility of a gift that is given to us.  This gift is phenomenal.  For the sake of argument, let’s call it a ‘gadget’.    This gadget or gizmo is better than anything you can imagine.  Seriously!  It helps with EVERYTHING!  If you like to cook, this gadget is the end all be all gadget.  It does almost all the work!  Once you use it, you could NEVER do without.    Cleaning the house?  Oh yeah, this gadget is the bomb for that!  Driving a car?  Impossible without this gadget! Everything and anything you set out to do, this gadget does it all!  NOTHING in life would be the same if you didn’t have this gadget.  Even better, this was a gift that was given to you and you know that it is totally unique and one of a kind.  You were given ONE and you know without a shadow of a doubt that this is the ONLY ONE YOU WILL EVER GET!

How would you take care of this super-duper gadget?  Would you take it outside and leave it unprotected against the elements, allowing it to rust and corrode?  Would you take it with you on a deep sea diving adventure knowing that the electronics were not water proof?  Would you randomly throw it in a corner and say ‘who cares’ and in essence disrespect this wonder gadget until it was damaged beyond repair and  not worth anything?  No, we would take care this fabulous gadget that does everything and is a marvel in engineering  and design.   We would take care of this gadget  like it was the most precious of gold.

This sounds like a really neat fictional gadget doesn’t it?  Seriously, a gadget that can handle virtually any task!   Sign me up because I want one!

Wait…..I already have one!  We all have one!   

Yes, you read that right.  We all already have this gadget.  What is it?   It is our bodies.  Our bodies are amazing things!  It really is the ‘super gadget’.   You aren’t convinced?  Our bodies can create another human life…..amazing!  Our bodies have the capability to think, heal and move.  Our bodies are smarter than we give them credit for.  They communicate to us by telling us when we are tired, hungry and sick.  Our bodies can perform a multitude of tasks and can continue to learn new tasks.  If we stop doing a task and ‘forget’ …when we start back at it our bodies remember the action/task/behavior through muscle memory.  Our bodies are phenomenal!  I could endlessly  come up with things that our bodies are capable of doing.

Our bodies however are non-renewable.  You get one body in your life.  You cannot go out and buy a new one.    So why in the world do we not take care of our bodies as if they were as precious as the super gadget that I wrote about a few paragraphs ago?  We take better care of our cell phones, house, cars and clothes (just to name a few) than we do ourselves!   A while  back Jason was talking about his hermit crabs.  He was eating Doritos and made the comment that he would not give his hermit crabs a piece of his Doritos because of all the bad chemicals and unnatural products.   He recognized and laughed about the total disconnect between the fact that he wouldn’t give a hermit crab (that is a scavenger and eats even rotten foods) his Doritos because they were unhealthy but he was willing to shovel the chips into his own mouth.     He was taking care of a possession better than he was taking care of himself.

There is a lucky thing in the midst of thinking about how we have disrespected our bodies and treated them like an unloved and unappreciated ‘gadget’.  What could be lucky?  Our bodies have an amazing capability to heal and repair from a multitude of damage inflicted upon it.  I have seen people turn their lives around and go from being morbidly obese to running full marathons.  I have witnessed people that were diabetic and having to give themselves shots of insulin and they were able to turn their health and lives around and become free of all insulin and diabetic medication.  Personally I have seen the ravages of arthritis become more manageable in my life with the excess weight off of my joints.  I can’t take it away, it is one of those new renewable things….but a healthy lifestyle has  showed me that my body is capable of accommodating and learning how to work within the confines of this disease called arthritis.  Our bodies can heal from a multitude of ‘disrespect’.  Our bodies can adjust and learn to work with the ravages that years of neglect and disrespect (and accidental issues) have brought to us. 

We can even adjust to different temperatures!   8 degrees yesterday morning......30° this morning! (Brrr yesterday was cold...but I snapped a pic!!)

It is time to start looking at our bodies as the most valuable possession that we will ever own.  We need to treat our bodies like gold.  It is time to treat our bodies with the respect that we give our phones, houses, cars and other possessions.    Our bodies may have problems.  We may have sickness.  They may not be perfect.  But they are what we have and I can guarantee you that they are all we are going to get!  It’s not too late to turn the tide on the care!!!!  Start treating your body with the respect that it deserves!!!

Holding steady: sometimes a day or two of maintaining is good

Another week before us.......

We had a quiet weekend.  We ran a few errands but mostly just relaxed at home.  We just felt sluggish all weekend, lacking energy.   Of course maybe the weather had something to do with it (we are always more sluggish as we recover from the long work week...but this was worse!). We didn’t feel bad, we just felt lazy.   On Saturday it was overcast and rainy!  Sunday was just cold and blustery.   Good days to stay inside!

My weekend low weight was nice.  8/10ths of a pound down.  I’ll take that.   Predictably, this morning my weight was up a bit.  I’m not going to stress about it....I’m still within the three pound range that i am ok with fluctuating in.   I know that I had a lot more sodium laden foods this weekend.  I also know my water consumption was way down so I know that has played a part.  (Maybe just a wee part, but it has its part!).   My food wasn’t perfect, higher on the weekends then weekdays.   And I’m ok with that.  I tracked it and THAT is my main goal!!!

I am rolling into the week and my goal is STILL to continue tracking every bite.  But this week I am going to continue to work on eliminating the snacks!  That after work snack gets me, and I don’t need it.  I’m perfectly fine without.    

So that’s my weekend recap! It wasn’t bad in terms of my health, more of a maintain effort!   I’ve been thinking about some things about self worth and taking care of ourselves.   Hopefully I can get that into words for a post soon!   But right now, it’s time to head into work!

I will not give up: kicking weight loss in the.....

It’s finally Friday!   I am so ready for the weekend!   It had been a long week of learning as I settle into my new temporary team and the work expected of me.   I will only be with this team temporarily...and then I will go back to the original team I was training to join.   Yeah, it’s confusing...a new temporary team...a new permanent team and my old team.   I found myself just yesterday answering questions from coworkers about the new permanent team and corresponding work, the new temporary team and corresponding work and then to make it more fun, I received aomw questions via email about the old team and needing advice on something there.  Are you kidding me???   Oh well....it keeps my mind sharp!!

My week in my healthy lifestyle changes?  The reason that this site was started?   Well yes I guess I can share how my week went!   My eating was pretty much spot on! I managed to avoid both the after work snacks and the post dinner desserts.  The after work snacks truly are just a habit so after the first day or so where I broke that habit I was ok!    The after dinner dessert.  The first thing I did was make sure that the dessert that was in the house were not things that I struggle to avoid!  (I’m not going to make Jason five uo his dessert just because I am giving up mine!)   I also went back for a small second serving of dinner to ‘fill up’ with more nutritious foods versus still being slightly hungry resulting in a dessert being eaten.  

I also ate very nutritiously.   I had lots of salads and lots of fruits and veggies.  So while my weight popped back up in that weird cycle thing it’s doing. The cycle had been going on since this past summer.  I have a low weigh ins over the weekend, my weight pops up high on the weekdays and then drops again on the weekends!  It’s quite annoying!  As frustrated as I was with the scales, I didn’t let it derail me!  I pushed forward and ate nutritiously and kept things in check!!!    

The weekend weather is supposed to be interesting..snow? Maybe.  But most likely rain and freezing rain (mostly...some snow also).  And cold...really cold!   Yuck!!!!  We will have fun anyway!!!

I’ve got this!!!  I can get this weight off!   I will not give up!!!

Weight journey and shifting emotions

Finding happiness in this journey is a mixed bag of success and failure!  On any given day I can go from satisfied with my progress to utter despair at where I am. It seems as if my emotions are swinging wildly in every direction!   I’m happy with myself one minute but then shortly thereafter, I’m almost in tears at the state that I have allowed my body to disintegrate into.

Last Saturday I stepped onto the scale for my official weekly weigh in.  I was hoping to see good results for my first week and a half of this new month (and new year).  I waited for the scales to settle and then looked down at the number on the scale. I quickly calculated my numbers and saw that I had managed a 2 pound loss in the first week and a half!   Victory!!!!!  I barely refrained from dancing a jig right there on the scales!   I followed my normal morning routine and stepped into the shower after my weigh in.  And that is where I had an immediate and complete change in my thought process.   Where I had looked at the difference in numbers just a few moments earlier, I was now focused on the actual number.  250.8.  Ouch!  How horrible is that?   I was filled with shame.  I was filled with fury at myself for allowing myself to get back to that point.   I was filled with utter despair at the long path before me!   In a matter of minutes I had gone from complete exhilaration to utter despair.  

My emotions really do run the gamut during a typical week.  It is crazy and I really have no clue how to rectify it.  I can tell myself to ‘just be happy’ with the process.  I can tell myself to settle in and enjoy the ride. And I do tell myself these things.  However, it’s been hard recently.  

I didn’t allow myself to give up after my Saturday weigh in and shift of emotions.  While my calories were higher over the weekend following that weigh in, it was not binge eating or even ‘I give up’ eating.  It was simply weekend eating ...or if you want to call it something else...call it ‘living’.   (As a side note, I still ate well under the calorie level that Myfitnesspal says that I need to eat to maintain!  I was still in a ‘losing’ caloric range.)

However, my weight popped up on Monday.  (Which added to the discontent.). I haven’t let it deter me.  It had made me tighten my belt and dig in harder.  I KNOW that I have the mental fortitude to do this.  I just need my body to cooperate with my efforts!  I didn’t let the negative numbers slow me down.   I allowed the emotions to run through me and I looked at those numbers and said ‘I won’t let you get to me, I WILL just work harder!’   I used thenegative emotions to push me harder.

One thing I thought about today in my shower.  (Why yes...I do have deep thoughts in the shower...and while I am out running!). My thought was that I need to get back to the ‘three pound range’.   Last summer I instituted a three pound rangefew with in my mind.  It basically is a plan that I take the lowest number I’ve seen on the scales and as long as I’m fluctuating within 2-3 pounds, I’m ok...normal fluctuation.   So at my current level...my most recent low weight of 250.8 I would be within ‘fluctuation’ range as long as I remained lower than 253.8.    This is just one more way to take away that stigma of failure...to in fact embrace it!  In embracing the fluctuations I am devaluing the message that the scales give me, which will lessen the impact that those numbers have.

I know that my feelings are swinging wildly in all directions as I embark (reembark) upon this road to health.  And yes, I refuse to say on this path to thinness....because that is not my ultimate goal...my ultimate goal is health!   Being thin is a side affect...a fabulous side affect.   I don’t know why they are swinging wildly, but the only thing I can do is to make sure that when they are negative that I use the negative thoughts to spur me forward!  The other thing is that for some reason I have not been turning toward prayer about this journey.  I pray about numerous other things on a daily basis, but I haven’t been turning to prayer in regards to this journey. I have made that adjustment.   Meanwhile, I push forward!

This journey toward health is an emotional one.   There ARE so many conflicting emotions that run the gamut in terms of how we feel.   They are not going to go away.  They will be there. It’s another thing that we need to embrace. Once we embrace those feelings we can turn them to positive.   We can figure out a way to make them less impactful.  We can also figure out how to turn the negative emotions into motivation  to propel us further toward our goals.  They aren’t a bad thing, these emotions are all part of the healing process as I get healthy!

And just because...here is another picture from our weekend walk in the snow!  

Weekend weight loss

Ahhh what a weekend!  I was so ready for the weekend after the last week of work.  (Ok, I’m really ready each weekend, butast week even more so!). I was anxious to get my official weight for the week and I was looking forward to the quietness and relaxation of the weekend!  I was was also determined to add some activity back into my life this weekend!  

So let’s start with the weight!   I showed exactly 2 pounds down for this new year.  (1.6 down for the last week).  Not too shabby!  But that brings me to my deep thought of the day.   How crazy is it crazy how our minds work!  I lost 2 pounds this new year (woohoo). yet I had to tamp down disappointment and disgust  at what the scales showed!  I don’t like the numbers I see.  I’m working to change those numbers, and I showed results...but I still cringed when I saw the numbers.  In reality I should have been jumping up and down with joy!  (Which would have also incidentally burned an extra calorie or two had I literally jumped up and down!). It shows how skewed our minds really get!!!  

I stumbled across an old picture of me this weekend. Part of me feels sad that I let this go!  But part of me is super motivated to get it back!!!!

My eating was about what I expected this weekend.  I was higher than my projected range.  I’m ok with this. I didn’t binge eat.  I didn’t overeat.  I didn’t go crazy with desserts.  I just had higher calorie foods...and I knew I was doing it when it happened.  It was a conscious decision.  I am not in this to live a life of total deprivation...I’m in this to live a life of health and balance.  That means that some days could be considered a failure ..but that’s ok!   I’m giving myself permission to have those days of ‘failure’.    How and I rebounding?  My lunch is packed for work today...an salad and some fruit!   Since I indulged this past weekend, no snacks after work this upcoming week!   It’s a trade off....a balancing act!

So more good news?    On Saturday we did our errands early and headed to a local park so that Jason could fly his drone before the snow hit..  Instead of standing there immobile, I took the opportunity to walk around the field that he was standing in!  It wasn’t a whole lot, but 1.5 miles is better than none!!!!!    Even more?   On Sunday we headed out in the snow and walked 3.5 miles!  (Hard miles in a couple inches of snow!)

I am happy with my weekend.  I’m ready to face this upcoming week of healthy living!  I’m a bit stressed about some changes at work and a new activity that I will be embarking upon today. (Stressed enough and nervous enough that I kept dreaming and waking up about it.).  I’m not going to eat my stress though!!!!!!   I w got this!   Here comes Healthy Maryfran!!!

Week in review : first week

Welcome to Friday, the perfect day to really dream and look forward to the weekend before me!  (Ok ok ok, so I start looking forward to the weekend on Monday mornings...but on Fridays the dreaming gets serious!).  Friday is also the perfect opportunity to recap my experiences over the week and to check in on my monthly goal for January  and how I’m doing!

I have four basic goals for January....

1.  Track every bite of food
2.  Put money into my savings
3.  Weight less than I do now!  I don't care if it's a measly ounce...I want to weigh less!
4.  Do something active (a walk suffices) at least 3 times a week.

I am so very proud to say that I have nailed the tracking!   And I nailed it good!   I have tracked every stinking morsel that went into my mouth...and I tracked honestly...I didn’t underestimate or anything!  I am so on target with this one that it’s crazy!   I had a minor glitch one night when myfitnesspal was acting the fool and wouldn’t let me add anything....but waiting a few hours and then trying again did the trick!!  (And yes...I was a bit panicked when it wasn’t working because...seriously...this is one goal that I have COMPLETE control over and I didn’t want to mess it up!)

Savings?  Well I haven’t had a paycheck yet this year...today it came in.  I plan on moving some money to savings right off the bat (tomorrow when I sit down and pay some bills)..but it hasn’t been done yet, simply due to timing!  

Weigh less?   So far so good...I lost 1.8 pounds in the first days of January....so I’m on target.    I am watching my weight and I’ve been sitting at the same weight lost all week (maybe one day or so where I had a slight uptick on the scale). I am hoping that the old pattern of weight loss from last summer holds true and that Saturday morning shows a nice loss!!  (I have an official mid week weigh in on Wednesday...that I share that weight with a friend who weights in at weight watchers on that day and that showed down 1.8 pounds...and I have my official official weigh in on Saturday!)

Activity goal?  I’ve failed miserably!  I was sick the first few days and remain a bit congested.  It’s been a tad rainy....a tad cold  outside and sprinkle that with a lot of excuses and you have me having walked/hiked only twice in the last 10 days!  I have honestly tried to do the steps more at work as I had to traverse between two floors at work throughout the day.   And just yesterday I reinstated the climb from the lobby to my work floor (8 flights) on my breaks/lunch. (Starting slow...not every break yet, but I’m starting!  

The weekend looms grandly before me.   I know we will get out (if possible) with the drone.  We finally received the extra batteries so he will have close to an hour of flight time versus 20 minutes.   I plan on going and walking/running while he flies his drone!   We have talked about finding a school track and field to go to for that dual purpose!   It is our grocery week so we have that errand.  But even bigger?  They are forecasting snow.  Just a couple of inches...but since we will both be home and not at work, we SHOULD be able to get outside and play!!!!  It should be a fun and active weekend!!!

So I displayed a mixed bag of victory and non-victories for the first week!   It wasn’t all bad, thank heavens!   The non-victory of exercise just gives me room for improvement!!!  But now the serious work begins....I’m past the newness and easiness of the first week or so of a new plan.  Now is when it gets serious!

Failure: it’s a good thing

Embrace failure. Yes, I just said embrace it!!!   Its a fact of life.  It’s going to happen, so why not embrace it and plan for it?    We start the year with resolutions but then face failure when we stumble.  We start a new plan or goal and then along the way encounter a bump in the road and experience failure.  It is bound to happen. And so many times when it does happen we throw up our hands and give up totally.  So for this reason, I am welcoming failure and upheaval this year!  I am embracing that it is going to happen!

What in the world am I talking about? I am saying that in no way shape or form am I aming for perfection in this journey that I am on.   It’s not a sustainable concept or mission on life for me and probably not for most people!  Life happens and life is definitely NOT perfect. So why do we expect our diet and health plans to always be perfect? 

I tried the perfect route before!  Over and over!  I’ve drawn lines in the sand and said ‘this is it’ time and time again!   I have also had incredible success with the “let’s be perfect route” on this healthy journey!  One look at these pictures and you can see the success!

I achieved that success with total restriction!  Seriously, I remember days where I would have a perfect day and get to the end of my day with some calories (ww points) still left and I would reward myself...with a small glass of grape juice!  Seriously?  Grape juice as a reward???   I was striving for perfection.

While perfection DID work...it wasn’t sustainable!!!  Just look at my current picture and that is proven!!!

What happened????  Life happened!!!  I reached my goals and felt so amazing...but life happened.  I went on vacation    I had busy days at work.  I had a crumbling marriage.  Injuries.  You name it...but to sum it up...life happened!!  And perfection wasn’t as easily or even possible to achieve and I stumbled...I stumbled big time!

This time around I’m allowing and even accepting failure.  It will happen.  So why not embrace it and figure out ways to keep failure at a minimum?  But how??

The main thing is that  I’m not setting any major goals in terms of weight I will lose each week/month/year.  My goal for January was to be less on the scales.   If that was one measly ounce...awesome it would be less!!!   I’m committed to tracking every bite I eat!   With such easy and loose ‘goals’, I’m allowing for failure! I can eat what I want....I just have to track it!    Somehow the simple act of tracking my food works for me in that being cognizant and aware of the food going into my mouth has made me very willing to keep it under control and stay within a set caloric range!   But the freedom of not vowing to stay within that range and having to lose weight gives me the freedom to be completely honest with myself when it comes to tracking.  I don’t ‘forget’ to put in something that I ate.  I don’t ‘accidentally’ misjudge my portion sizes.  I just put it down in black and white and it’s ok if I fail for the day.  Ironically enough...on Monday I was sure I went over that range of calories...but I was determined to be utterly honest and track it regardless!  I allowed myself the room for ‘failure’ in my eating....I embraced the fact that I will falter.  And by embracing it, I took away the ‘I messed up’ mentality and turned it into a complete victory!!!   

As a side note, I was sure I totally blew my numbers on Monday.  But  when I did go in and track...even though I messed up, I found that I was really not that far off ...maybe 30 calories over!!   How many times have I given up and gone off track for days or even weeks and months in the past because I thought that I had blown it by eating too much??  It has happened over and over because I wanted and expected perfection  and when perfection didn’t happen (even just in my mind) I gave up in disgusted failure!   But how many times could it have been like Monday where I was sure I messed up and if I just would have tracked found that I was actually doing well???  This time I embraced the possibility of failure and found that I really didn’t fail at all!!!

Embrace it...because failure WILL happan!  

Rockin’ the first week of the year!

The first week of January is just about over, and the first weekend of the year is in the books.   We have had a pretty good start...thus far!

I am doing really well with tracking my food and while my goal is NOT to worry about my calories (this month at least)...I am finding that since I am tracking I am more open and apt to keeping my calories beneath a set level.   Unofficially I am working to stay between 1200 calories and 1500 calories.  Why that range?  1200 has always been the ‘magical’ figure that is used in weight loss as the lowest to go and that would theoretically give me a two pound loss each week.   1500 calories is theoretically causing a deficit that would allow me to lose one pound a week.  That is still a nice loss.  (Yes, I unashamedly admit that I would like the faster loss...but I also know that I want this to work and be a forever deal.....1200 calories is very restrictive and will eventually cause me to stumble.  1500 calories is more doable!). So I have been staying within my range...admittedly at the higher end on many days....but I’m there!!!

We had a quiet weekend.  Saturday started with me meeting a friend for breakfast. Of course I sent Jason a selfie and some texts whilst out with her!!! (Waiting for her to arrive.)

After breakfast she and I walked through target. (I needed a new band for my Fitbit!). I saw this journal...and I was so tempted to get it....but I knew I wouldn’t use it....it wasn’t blank inside..it was preprinted for fitness and would be redundant with me posting here!  But still I was tempted...the $17.99 price tag deterred me!

After my breakfast outing, (food tracked of course) Jason and I ran some errands and we went to a local park to allow him to fly his drone.   It was a quiet and relaxing day.

 On Saturday...more of the same.  I however started my day by sleeping on the couch for an hour or two in the morning.  We ran into a few stores (For me, dollhouse supplies to make a new crib for the nursery!) We also hit  up a local trail and hiked for a while.  It was short but hey...I’ve been sick and still not completely well!  

It was a muddy hike (the trail was a muddy mess...bad enough to sink 2-3 inches in some places and for my foot to get stuck once!).  

After our hike, we gassed up my car for the work week ahead of us and headed to the park for our drone flying time!  It was windy so the batteries ran down pretty quick!!!  Booo!  But it was still fun!

We spent the evening planning and plotting our vacation this year.   The more it’s planned and ‘definite’ the more motivated I will be to get into shape. 

The new week is upon me...and so far I am rocking this new year!   I just need to get rid of this congestion and I’ll be on fire!!!!!

13 years and Counting: A blogiversary

How crazy is it that I have been writing about weight loss (and sadly enough gain) for 13 years!  (This weekend is the actual anniversary day.)  It has been a wild ride for sure...I have had amazing success and suffered setbacks and failures.  This is my journey and I have learned a lot and continue to learn a lot about weight loss AND myself.

So here is a thirteen year in review and some lessons learned along the way post.   (If you have been reading a while, you may recognize part of this post as a blatant steal from a blogiversary post a few years ago...I couldn’t say it any better so I copied and updated!!).  I have struggled with taking pictures of myself along the way.....a regret of mine.  (pictures are SO important on this journey) so the pictures are somewhat sparse in the earlier years of my journey!

I started this blog as a heavily overweight woman.  Here is a picture or two from that time....or rather, these pictures were taken December 2005....the closest pictures of myself I could find to the 10 year anniversary of this blog.   I was probably right around 260 pounds at this time....and had already lost roughly 50 pounds.

Not easy to see........

But I had a mission.  I was going to lose the weight.  I sadly, was losing the weight for the wrong reasons.....NEVER lose weight to try to make someone love you the way you want to be loved.  They need to love you for you and not the number on the scale or the size of your body.  It took me quite a few years to figure that lesson out. 

Right or wrong reasons, I started working  diligently on this weight thing!!!! I walked.  I rode my bike. I became a collector of exercise videos and I actually used them....EVERY DAY!     I watched everything I ate.....and guess what?   It worked!   I can see my face had started thinning out in this picture.

By mid 2007 my weight was lower than ever and I was feeling fantastic!!!!  I wasn't done  I kept moving!  I kept working it!  And the weight just kept dropping!!!

By 2008 I had reached my goal weight (as prescribed by my doctor).   Oh my word.  I can't even describe how fabulous I felt.   I was on top of the world.  I had never felt that well physically as an adult.   My arthritis in my knees all but disappeared.  I felt confident.  I just can't describe how life was...I just felt GREAT! (Size 10 shorts in the picture below..my lowest size)

I even managed to make it to be a lifetime member at Weight watchers!!!!!!  GO me!!!!!!!

I still had some weight to lose.  I was still about 15 pounds over where the BMI charts told me that I needed to be in order to be healthy.  I pushed..and pushed.   Family and friends started to worry about me and told me that my face looked gaunt and started asking if I was sick.  I knew I wasn't.  But I still struggled with self image.  I never saw myself as a thin person.  So I pushed forward.  But I can NOW see how my face was SOOOOO thin!  

It was shortly after this picture that I realized that losing the weight in an effort to make my husband love me the way I needed to be loved was NOT working.  My marriage was still on the rocks, and nothing I was doing was working  (I had tried everything...not just a massive weight loss!).  I stopped caring about my weight....after all the purpose for losing weight had crumbled and proved to be ineffective. Ok, I still wanted to be thin, but I didn't want to bother with watching everything.  I didn't want to worry about the work it would take to complete my mission.  I started to slip.  

In 2009 I had done something I said I would NEVER do.....allow my weight to creep back above 200 pounds.    

By the way...I don't like the weird mouth thing going on...but my hair was AWESOME in this picture!!!    In 2009 I met a blog buddy for the first  and we rode Girls with Gears!!! What a fabulous experience and what a fabulous friend!!  I was about 210 pounds.  

Donna and I had so much fun doing the Girls with Gears Bike ride that we decided to do Pedal to Preserve the same year.  You can see that I gained weight between these two rides...two short months.  My hair was still awesome though!!!

I vowed over and over to stop the weight gain.  But I'm ashamed to say that it kept creeping up and up.

I took steps to try to eliminate the weight.  I just struggled.  I rode in Pedal to Preservethe following year, 2010  (I have no pictures of me doing it)   I had gained even more.     

I never gained everything back as evidenced in this 2011 or 2012 picture. But I had done some serious weight gain!

My salvation during this time was that I never stopped exercising.  I still rode my bike.  I had started going to zumba religiously.  I was still moving  and being active.  I was just gaining.  Weight is lost in the kitchen....NOT the gym and I was/am living proof!

In 2013  I decided to start losing weight for ME.  I didn't care what anyone else thought.  This was a mission for ME.   My weight started to drop again.  I was well on my way.   Things were looking GRAND for me and my weight loss.  I was featured in a newspaper article talking about my weight loss.  I had this in the bag I was on my way back to my goal weight!!!!!

Yup.....a picture from the article.  Not the grandest picture...but it was out there for the world to see.

Remember when I said I 'had this'?   I thought I did.  But my already crumbling marriage took a blow that no marriage should EVER have to endure.....and I lost my focus again.

I'd like to say that I got that focus back.  But I didn't. Once again I kept moving.  I was running.  I was going to zumba.  I was riding my bikes.  I was walking.  But the weight was not coming off. 

I ran in 5K's and even a few 10K's and the weight just wasn't dropping......

 In mid 2014 I started to lose weight again.......

Then my life changed drastically.  My marriage ended....and I finally admitted to the world what I had known for years!      Life was upside down and I still couldn't get a grip on it...but I kept moving!!!!  I kept pushing....but gained again. 

2015 was rough for my weight.  I regained what I lost in 2014.....maybe I needed the year to come to terms with where I was in life.  My life had turned upside down in so many ways.  I had to come to terms with being single.  I had to come to an understanding with the dating world (wow.....just wow). I had to figure out where I stood in this world.  And my weight suffered.

It took quite a bit of time....but in October of 2015  it  clicked and I got back on track.  AND....I met Jason!

I was in amazing shape.  We hiked mountains 

 And then we started to ride bikes together!

We weree on FIRE!

And then we both switched jobs in 2017. The evening walks got a lot shorter due to our long commutes.  The weekend rides and hikes happened less and were shorter also due to the lingering tiredness from the long work weeks.   We still moved...but not as much and it started to show in my weight.  I started to gain!

2018 rolled around and I was so sure I was going to be successful.  But the year turned out to be me maintaining my weight but  losing some of my fitness levels.  I saw it happening and just lacked the willpower to stop the train.  I DID buy a new bike and plan on using that new bike in 2019 to get healthy!

See, I told you...it was a journey!   It IS a journey.  It is emotional to write and read this.  It is hard to see some aspects of the journey.  But I am in awe at the journey.  I am amazed to see the confidene on my face when I was a thin woman.  It is definitely torture to see the weight creep back on and my continual lack of change.  But through it all I an see the value of the effort.

This journey has shaped me into the person that I am right now!   I am now making this journey PERSONAL.  This weight loss is for ME!  This journey is because I want to live a long and active and healthy life!    I am in control of the next chapter of this book.  I can write it as a overweight woman or I can write it as a healthy woman.  The choice is mine!   Stay tuned!