Resentful

I want to lose weight.  I need to lose weight. There’s no way I can deny that I’m overweight. My work even tells me I’m overweight through a  health screening  that they do yearly.   I resent the work reminder though.  I resent it a lot!

OK, let me explain the work insurance. We have the price of our insurance which is quite pricey.  We get a ‘discount’  if we sign a statement saying that we are tobacco free and if, during the yearly health screening we either show a weight loss or we are in a healthy weight range. Last year since I was a new employee I was exempt from the health screening. This year I am subject to these rules. So my weight has been on my mind a lot and has been since my health screening.  I do have an appointment with my doctor. Hopefully she will sign the appeal paperwork so that I can still afford health insurance.

I resent this policy. Not for the reason you might think. I know I’m overweight and I know that causes health problems which is what makes the added money on the insurance. What I resent, is the fact that I am really working to overcome the diet mentality. I am really working to overcome that big focus on the number that the scales show. I resent the fact that my work is forcing me to think about it and worry about it. I resent the fact that this policy makes me want to crash diet.

I got back on track this summer and I was losing...slowly but surely.  And then this health screening came into play.  Is it a coincidence that my weight loss stopped right then and there?   Maybe...maybe not.  (I also think it might be partially due to my out of whack female cycle...along with the stress and change of focus!)

Following the health screening I made an appointment with my doctor to try to get an appeal for this added expense.  (I see her next nine day) I am worried.   I saw her a week (almost to the day that my dad died) and I weighed a few pounds less than I weigh right now.  My dad died and I gained 30 pounds, overnight.  (Ok not overnight...but within a month.). So with all this worry about the insurance and my weight,  I started to stress and I started to think about crash diets!

I wanted to crash dirt so bad!   But I didn’t.  I stayed the course but I stopped losing....however....I maintained!  With two weeks left before the appointment,  I broke my ‘stay the course’ and decided to cut sweets for the two weeks.   Yes I allowed the stress to overrule my common sense!!  

I am a week and a half into my no sweet decree.   I am determined to complete it...if even just to prove to myself that I can!  It’s a test of my willpower and I WILL win!   But that said, I resent the fact that I did it!   I was actually  working on accomplishing a healthy attitude toward sweets...and this two weeks of restriction have made me crave and think about these sweets MORE than I did before!   I am serious, I sit and think about what I’m going to eat first when I break the sweet treat-fast!  My mouth waters as I think about it!  (I’m thinking it will be edible cookie dough...I made some for Jason during this stint...and I’m very proud that I didn’t even lick the spoon!!).   

I’m working on developing a healthy relationship with food. I’m working on developing a healthy relationship with the scales.  I’m working on building a healthy life.   And I have allowed the stress and the work insurance policy to push me backwards in my learning process because they are indirectly pushing me..    I will finish off the two week moratorium on sweets (seriously...it’s only until this weekend), but then I’m going back to exactly what I was doing before.  Allowing myself the occasional indulgence...IF it works into my calorie count for the day.    Back to the basics...and hopefully back to the slow but steady weight loss!!!