Welcome Back Old “Friend”

I’ve been thinking about sustainability and longevity in my weight loss journey.  I know I have weight to lose.  It’s no secret. And I desperately want to lose it.....but I’m starting to have some views that are divergent from where they have been for years.

Let me start by saying that I KNOW that I have to restrict and manage my food intake.  That is NOT in debate.

But....I’m thinking that I need to focus more on a healthy lifestyle.  A healthy lifestyle includes eating nutritious meals.  It includes not eating three pieces of cake.  It includes the food portion of what is considered the diet portion of weight loss.   But I am shifting.  I’m shifting to thinking that my focus really needs to be more on the physical aspect of this lifestyle.   Moving!!!  Making my body stronger.   Being active.

Once again...weight is lost in the kitchen not the gym.  I know that.  But let’s also say that deprivation doesn’t work for me...at all!   So let’s look at this realistically....  weight loss really is as simple as calories in versus calories out.  It’s having a good exercise budget.    So, one piece of chocolate cake and chocolate icing according to MyFitnessPal is around 235 calories.   22 minutes of running (12 minutes mile) is guess what?  235 calories (at whatever weight I currently have listed on myfitnesspal...).  I like cake....22 minutes seems a decent trade off to me.   

And yes yesterday I did run ..I did eat cake...and I DID have a nutritious dinner with lots of healthy foods to fuel my body!

I am trying to remember to track all of my food on my fitness pal. So I’m not totally walking away from the “diet“ mentality. I know that that is still important for me. 

I just realize that as I get older I need to be working on making my body strong in a time where my body naturally is going to weaken much more week.

So as my last post on Saturday indicated… I went for a run. The run portion was 1 mile. That is 1 mile of running with no stops or walking… Consistent movement at the same speed. I felt pretty good actually, slow but good.

On Sunday morning I repeated the run.

 A walking warm up and cool down and 1 mile of running with no stops or walks. I was one minute faster. And boy oh boy this one made me more sore and achy. Sunday afternoon we spent a lot of time outside walking and moving ...downtown Frederick and In and old graveyard....just about 6 or 7 miles. 

By the time we got home in the early evening hours, my body ache so bad. I could feel my muscles aching and I was just whipped.

Even exhausted and tired and achy I managed to pull off my first night of push-ups and planks. In a conversation earlier in the week we were discussing upper body strength versus lower body strength. My lower body has typically always been very strong and my upper body typically week.   So we challenged ourselves to push-ups daily. I threw in planks because core strength is important with riding a bike with my back issues… OK and with so much more. I’m not proud of how many push-ups I could do… Or rather couldn’t do. They were not pretty by any means. But consistency will clean them up and add to how many I can do. We have to start somewhere, and I have my start.

So kicking it back into these healthier actions such as running, 6 miles of walking in the afternoon, push-ups and planks has made me welcome my old friend continual achiness. I know it will get easier… And when the pain goes away that means I need to step it up and run faster walk further add more push-ups…

Yeah, I kind a like the achiness.

The core and arm strength will help quite a bit on my road bike… Which honestly hurts so bad right now that I am not riding with my Road bike on the trainertrainer that much once again 10 minutes and I’m done. But I will grow that number. And it’s set up..so no excuses!!

I seriously need to get into good biking shape… We are hoping to have me on a good mountain bike by the end of summer. We love Jason’s Santa Cruz bike. But I doubt I will be able to spend that much money on a bike at this point. We will be scanning craigslist and crossing our fingers and hoping for a good deal on a used size medium bike. (A small could possibly work…) I have a few things that I want on a bike… I want full suspension and I want a dropper post for my seat… Because it’s just really cool. Yeah I’m not sure I’ll be riding such rough trails that I will need my seat up-and-down that much, but it’s cool! Jason has a few more things that he wants on my bike. And we are both insistent that it be a bike that is upgradable in case I out grow in skill the bike I buy.

Meanwhile Jason’s Santa Cruz is feeling a bit sick.

 He needs his rear shock rebuild… We dropped it off yesterday at the bicycle hospital a.k.a. the bike shop.

So the next few weeks will be spending hiking/walking and dreaming about our next bike ride together!

I’ve got this!  I can do it!!  Healthy is the new mission!!!!

This is it

Happy Saturday...not sure yet what our plans are for the day...but I’m having a nice relaxing morning.

Well...not totally relaxed.  I went out for a run.   I was determined to run for one mile straight with no stops and no walking.  And I accomplished my goal. Surprisingly it wasn’t too bad today!!!   It wasn’t fast...but I did it!  More of the same tomorrow!!!!  

A little hot and a lot red, but one mile complete!

This week I’ve been suffering from some acid reflux...in the middle of the night (early morning hours actually).  It is annoying, uncomfortable and well it scares me!  I don’t like to wake up with this phenomenon occurring.

So if it my weight?  Too much food late?  Too late? Wrong types of foods?    Last night I ate less food....and I didn’t have any problem.   Hopefully it is as simple as that!!!

Yesterday I set up my road bike on the bike trainer....and I rode for 10 minutes.  The road bike is brutal..and hurts.  But I’m determined..10 minutes for a while...longer in time!

Right or wrong

There is the right way, and there is the wrong way.  But when you talk about losing weight, there is no right or wrong way. What is right for one person is wrong or another. What is right one month may be wrong another month. I am still searching for the right way for me at this stage of my life.

So the negative… I’m not losing weight. The positive? I’m maintaining my weight quite handily. Well not maybe an exact victory that requires celebration, but I am choosing to take it as a positive.

Another positive in my life, I am eating much more healthier then in the last two years. I’m loving it too! It’s crazy how good steamed green beans are. It blows my mind how delicious zucchini really is. I got away from eating that way and I forgot how good those foods really are. My diet is not perfect by any means, but I’m actually eating foods that are fueling my body in a nutritious way.  (For the most part)

On Saturday we rode bikes on a local trail. I had a blast. Trail riding is a lot of fun! It will be more fun when I’m actually on a bike that is better suited to trail riding. That is in the works for sure… We have plans. The negative about Saturday’s ride? My endurance and  my ability to climb are at an all time low. I was breathing like a freight train and my legs were like jelly.

On Sunday we took a nice long walk on the canal. It was crazy how many people were out there. No real negative about that walk.  

 

So back to the right way in the wrong way. My fitness level… The last year was definitely the wrong way. The right way is for me to face the freight train breathing, the jelly like leg and achy muscles and fix it.

My brother reminded me on Sunday that the jelly like legs and the freight train breathing we’re not going to kill me and that I should not have walked up any of the inclines. What can I say, he was telling me the right way.

While we were out walking we saw a lady getting fabulous exercise on the bike… Until we looked closer. It was one of those motorized bicycles. I’m not going to judge her maybe she had a medical condition that kept her from paddling on the flat canal towpath. But I can’t help but shake my head at the lack of even trying to better your body. We laughed and talked about it and both agreed that right now, the right way for us is to pedal pedal pedal. No motors on a bicycle for us. That said, we both agreed that if there was a medical condition we would definitely consider getting something so that we could still be outside. Right and wrong ...different stages of Life.

Calorie wise, I’m actually not doing poorly. My downfall is the fact that I like to baking… A lot. This weekend I made a dingdong cake. I’m calling it dingdong delicious. It is reminiscent of those childhood ding dong‘s that we used to get. That is my downfall. And I actually did better last night with the cake. It was delicious and I wanted more of it so bad, but what I told myself was that there will be more cake. I don’t have to let my addiction get control of me. That means I don’t have to eat four pieces of cake because of its tastiness. One piece to satisfy myself and know that there will be more cake the next night and if for some reason there is not, I can easily make another one. And do you know what? I think that the dingdong cake was even more delicious because I did not shovel two or three pieces into my mouth. So in retrospect , I guess I can say that my food addiction… The one that keeps me shoveling food into my mouth because it’s so delicious, even long past when I’m full is actually detracting from the deliciousness of the food. Oh my! What a deep thought and other amazing epiphany I just had!!!

Let me repeat that for myself. I eat something delicious, and my addiction drives me to have more and more and more of it because I want that delicious  bubble/high to continue. But in reality the more I eat the worse it tastes. I already know that the high only lasts for the first couple bites… The addict in me is what keeps eating trying to regain that high even though I know it’s hopeless. But I never put two into together to realize that he’s number two of cake and pizza number three if you really lose there value in taste.

Blank Brain

Maintain.   That’s what his past week looks like on the scales. I would really like a loss...but I’m ok with a straight up maintain.  

I haven’t gotten an evening run in yet....but I’m hoping maybe tonight.   We shall see!!!  No promises!

We are still working on changing our lifestyle.  The sweet treats continue to be a problem....but well...we are working on it.  

The biggest issue we have is the fact that we forget!   We were making dinner the other night and all of a sudden I thought about the fact that we had...fresh veggies galore that were not being utilized.  We had sugar peas, Brussel sprouts, zucchini, carrots, broccoli....and who knows what else!   I debated...because I didn’t want to do the work.  But then I told myself...if we dont prepare them, they will rot and we will A. Not be healthy and B. Waste a chunk of money allowing that good organicpile of veggies to rot.   So I sautéed some zucchini.  Last night we steamed the snow peas.  We are working on it!!!

We are slowly trying to break habits and create new ones!!

No major words of wisdom today....maybe tomorrow since I tend to come up with my nuggets of wisdom when I run!  (If I can get a run in tonight!)

Up from the Ashes

What in the world to name this post.  Cobbled?  Hot Hobble? Chipmunks? Eiii Yiii Yii? Excuses?  Addiction Transference? Plans for fun? This morning as I was thinking about writing it, I thought of all of these and some more.    So many options...maybe while I actually write this post I'll come up with the perfect title.  Typically I don't title my posts to the end anyway...so who knows what will be the winner!

Excuses
I made a few vows that I would be running as soon as we moved.  Well, the first days were so brutal with the move that I didn't run..  Then  we struggled with exhaustion that first week....so I didn't run.  But I swore that week two was going to be the week!   It was cold!   Then one night I was driving home and there were some rain drops on the windshield!!!  Yes!  There were!  Then I didn't want to take time from my precious time with Jason one night.    But on Friday morning I sat at my desk at work and made the vow....that night FOR SURE.  Furthermore, I would run both mornings of the weekend! 

Yes!  I came up with a plan.  If I ran both mornings of the weekend...then to get my third run in for the week I would just need to run 1 time through the week.  Not perfect, but it could work!  I would make it work!    With my plan in place, I grinned when the clock showed that it was time for lunch.  The weather was FABULOUS and i was going to walk around the lake!  I grabbed my phone and my 'portable lunch'  (apple, oranges and some pretzels) and headed out.

Hot Hobble
Now let me say..the weather was amazing so I decided to wear a skirt...and i was so amazing that I grabbed sandals to wear to work.  Halfway around the lake and I knew that I had made a colossal mistake!  Hot spots on the balls of my feet AND on the sides of my feet.  What do you do at that point?  I was halfway around the lake???  Either way I went I had to walk.   I crossed my fingers.  I did some praying and I hobbled back to work.  My feet were so sore!  I knew that running was going to be sketchy!  After All, even barefoot I could barely walk!  No running for me on Friday night.

Saturday morning dawned and my right foot was pretty much better but the left one was still kicking.  No running for me on Saturday either. 

Plans for Fun

Saturday was not lost though.  We did our grocery shopping and then headed out on our bikes.  WOO HOO!  It was a much easier ride than last week!   It still 'hurt' a bit but the ride was quite pleasant.  As always, we talked quite a bit while we rode.  We talked about running in the evening versus morning. (he prefers me to ride in the evening as it is light versus the morning when it is still dark).  We talked about starting to walk a bit in the evenings also.  We also talked about a new bike purchase for me!  Now that sounds fun doesn't it????

Cobbled

Sunday morning came and I laid in bed.  I knew I had to start this running thing.. I dreaded it, but I knew that I needed to start it!   It was happening.  And then I thought about the fact that since my last time I ran, I switched phones!   I have NO music loaded onto my phone.  Cobble number one:  So I grabbed some free music player with free music for a quick fix.  Crisis averted.    Oh no!  I don't have mapmyfitness on my bike either  Cobble/fix number two:  A quick download and log in an I was set with that too.   I got dressed and grabbed my gear and stood at the door ready to go.  I slipped my headphones onto my head.   NOTHING!  Well duh!  Why would they be working after 9 plus months of sitting in the box?  Of course they would need recharged!!!  Cobble number three:  Luckily I had the earbuds that came with my new phone still in a box and even amidst a recent move, I knew where the box was!  I hate earbuds!  I had wired headphones.  But I used them!

Eiii Yiii Yii

Our apartment complex is on a road that is a loop.....it is a 1.21 mile loop.  And it was a brutal loop!  Surprisingly it was my feet that hurts....they just ached!  And yes, I count that 1.21 miles as a victory!

Chipmunks

So I said earlier that I cobbled together some music options for my run this morning.  I just grabbed some free music.  Well some were apparently 'covers'.  So while I did get to listen to twisted sister in all their 80's glory....I was forced to listen to P!nk's "Fun House"  done by what sounded like the chipmunks.  It was......interesting to say the least.


Victory

I did it though!  I ran!   I may even get a bike ride in today also!

Addiction Transference

I know that I have a food addiction.  I've known it for quite some time.   I know that I was beating that addiction back when I was losing all that weight.  And I know that in recent months and years that the addiction has been beating me.  I have been talking a lot in recent years about how I do not want to live like a 'Nazi' with no sweat treats....with no pizza...and no other foods that I love.  I want to find that healthy happy medium.   This morning it occurred to me that when I was 'winning' at the weight loss , I really wasn't really winning, I had just transferred that addiction.  My new addiction at that time?  I was totally addicted to that caloric budget.  I felt 'high' and on top of the world when I was winning that war.    I was addicted to the weight loss regime.  And when I lost the battle and that weight loss regime wasn't 'doing it' for me, I went right back to the original addiction of food.  Hand in hand but still addictions.  Some people get addicted to exercise (our neighbor runs ALL the time....at least so it seems,) some people take pills, others drink alcohol,etc)   I am addicted to food...and apparently I can transfer that addiction to the 'diet regime'.  But I don't want either addiction....I want the happy medium. 

And yes, that might mean that I ride a bike like a mad woman for 3 hours so I can enjoy that delicious pizza....or cake...or whatever.  But it's a FUN ride that I would be doing anyway....and it's food that I enjoy.  It's balance and moderation...not riding 6 hours and then eating a dry piece of lettuce.  Not eating a dry piece of lettuce and then moaning about the outrageous calories I just ate.   Balance!


So how to sum up this post with a singular title?  Wow....Chipmunks still makes me laugh, but that is just one teeny tiny aspect of this post.  Hmmmm.....I think I have it.  Up from the ashes!  As low as I was this week in a previous post....I have pulled myself together and I am rising like a phoenix from the ashes!

Tub of Lard

Warning!!!  Embarrassing post alert!!

I sat at my desk yesterday while at work and beat myself up. There was some real self hatred going on. To sum it up, I’m not happy with my weight at all. Yet I can’t seem to get control of this addiction.

I had the revelations on Sunday   Yes the ones I spoke about in my last post. The revelations were about how far my fitness level has dropped. And while that did play a factor into my thinking yesterday, that still wasn’t the reason I was filled with self-hatred. OK at least not the main reason.

On Tuesday I noticed that my pants waist band/button had rubbed my overhanging stomach again. I’ve talked about this in the past.  It’s  embarrassing. Very embarrassing. I had a Band-Aid covering it yesterday but it was still very sensitive. I felt poured into my clothes.

You know, I have this weird weird sense inside me that if I just suck in my gut that  I won’t look fat. But yesterday nothing I did, no matter how tight I sucked in my gut made me feel presentable to the world. Now before we go on, I know that I’m overweight and I know that just sucking my gut in like that and doesn’t hide my true weight. But it makes me feel better.  But not yesterday.  I feel as if I have crossed the line, some invisible line where I feel yuh of lard...even when my gut is sucked!

Oh and as I mentioned earlier, I’m struggling to gain any control over myself. I feel so out of control.

And so it’s been a week of revelations and epiphanies. And they haven’t been good ones. 

So what have I done? This week I have started tracking my food. I haven’t eliminated the cookies, but I have drastically limited them (one cookie a day).  And my calories aren’t perfect but I am trying. I am also weighing myself every day… Or at least trying to remember to. I know that when I was losing those were two habits that I kept.

We are eating more vegetables and  fruits, and I still am planning on re-commencing with running. We have also talked about taking walks in the evening together. Honestly my biggest deterrent from running in the evening is that it takes time away from my time with Jason.  Yeah I’m sappy.

So rough week of a lot of revelations that I did not like. I’m not promising that this week is going to be different or next week is going to be different. I have an addiction. And while I know that ultimately I am in control, I know that a lot of times this food addiction controls me.  My goals for this week track and weigh.   Baby steps and I will gain control!

Top O’ The World

I was going to start running when we moved… Really I was! But let me backtrack and talk about the move and how  my back was aching so bad, and Jason’s knee with kicking  something fierce. We had some choices to make, so we kind of just grabbed the necessary things. My brother and his family helped and they got everything of mine with the exception of maybe five or six boxes and bins. So I woke up on Saturday morning thinking this is the day I’m going to go run. Until I remembered that my running clothes and gear was in one of the boxes that was still at my mothers house. Oops!  I have that stuff in my possession now so there should be no excuses for this week.

Food wise I am doing OK actually, for the most part. Jason and I are making a conscious effort to beef up the amounts of vegetables and fruit we have in the house. And we are eating them and loving them. We are eating at home and doing pretty good with that.  Of course that first sentence of this paragraph included the words for the most part… So there is a negative.  For Christmas I gave Jason a VW bus cookie cutter and a VW bug cookie cutter.  It came with a ‘lifetime supply of cookies. Now that we are together it was time for me to start keeping my part of that lifetime supply!  I made cookies this weekend… They are delicious and I ate too many yesterday. 

They are not pretty...the cake decorating icing bag  I was using popped a seam and well...I stopped caring about ‘pretty’ after that happened.

My weight seems to be hovering in a 2-3 pound range.  . It was low on Saturday morning and high this morning.  And the same all last week..up, down, up, down.   No surprise… Considering I just talked about the cookies.

We finally got out on our  bikes! Yup, we went out this weekend!  First time this year. I was sore… Really sore. But we have to start somewhere it’ll only get better the more I do it.

Which brings me to what has been on my mind a lot lately. Fitness levels. How quickly they go away… Well it seems quick to me. So I’m going to take a little walk through history…because it shows how it happened.

Fall of 2014. I weighed 220 pounds, and I was  dropping.  (I actually think I saw 215 at one point, maybe lower). I was going to Zumba three nights a week and sometimes doing back to back classes. I was running 3 to 4 times a week, most of those runs were  between three and 6 miles. I felt fabulous. Physically and emotionally because I was beating this food addiction and curse.

In 2015… I divorced and moved in with my parents. Eating healthy was no longer an easy option, and as my mother bakes for two markets there was always delicious baked goods at my disposal. I gained 20 pounds. I continued my heavy load of Zumba and running. The extra weight slowed down my running pace but I was still really active and in pretty good shape. 

2016, and Zumba ended. I was sad on many levels… Zumba have been a social outlet, and emotional crutch through my divorce, and a huge portion of my fitness activity. Jason and I hiked a lot that year! Like a lot of miles! Our schedules also allowed us to go for long walks every evening, or at least most evenings. It was nothing that summer for us to walk five or 6 miles in the evening (and I usually ran 2-4 times a week in the morning).  Every evening. Yes hiking hurt a little bit sometimes… Like up some mad Mountain or vicious trail, but it was good. That fall Jason and I added breaking into our repertoire of activity. Our first ride was sore but not buffalo … We were still pretty active and that fitness level showed when we picked up biking. 

2017… And here is where it all started to go to pot. It took about a year for me to see physical signs that my fitness levels from Zumba we’re starting to fade. Little things flexibility, strength, balance, Etc. We were still active on the weekends and evenings. At least the first couple months of the year. And then we made some changes in our work, which changed our schedules. We stopped walking at night… Or if we did we were lucky to get in 1 mile. I couldn’t fit runs it to my daily routine I was already waking up at 5 AM and not getting home until 8 PM, and I was constantly exhausted (3 to 4 hours in a car a day is way. Too much). We still did active things on the weekend, and I did walk on my lunch breaks, but it just wasn’t enough.

So now it’s 2018 and here I am sitting in the worst physical shape I have been in in probably 10 years.   And I don’t like it!!!!   I don’t look forward to the aches and pains of rebuilding my fitness level...nor do I look forward to the dread of starting each day knowing how ‘bad’ it may feel.  But, I do look forward to that ‘Top O’ the World’ feeling I get from being active and conquering this food addiction. 

I’ve got this!!!!!!

Exhaustion

I am so tired! Physically and mentally. The move was pretty rough. We went into the move with a really bad knee and a bad back. There was one morning where I woke up and I couldn’t stand straight up because my back was hurting that bad. A heap of praying and a handful of Advil seemed to do the trick. Jason‘s knee settled down once we were able to stop  climbing up and down the steps carrying heavy items. We are probably 98% moved. There are probably three or four boxes still at my moms house. There are also one or two or maybe three large bulky and heavy pieces of furniture. We knew the way we were feeling that carting  a recliner up to The third floor was not a good choice. Likewise with the bulky corner cupboard. Nothing that is necessary for survival for a couple weeks. My brother and sister-in-law and their kids saved the day on Sunday when they helped us with a huge load of stuff after Easter lunch.

On Monday we kicked butt on Sunday evening and all day Monday with the unpacking. By Monday night we were mostly done. On Monday we got Internet and cable and on Tuesday our new couch was delivered. Tuesday was a day of rest. We did one or two errands made a meal or two and simply because baking is synonymous with Home for me, I baked a strawberry cake. (Which might I add I found a delicious recipe!)

The day of rest is over and it is back to work today. And I’m still tired and achy.

One would think that all of this activity would show me down on the scales. Wouldn’t that be nice?  Not so,

I am up about 2 pounds. I know my water consumption has been horrible, I know my scales are finicky when you move them a little bit....so moving the scales could make a difference of a few pounds, and I know my muscles are sore and probably filled with water from the heavy workouts of moving. So I am not going to stress it. 

Running? Not yet I’m too tired to achy. But it is coming.

Mertz my cat is a totally different cat at the new place. She seems to have more confidence. Before she would hide almost all the time. Thw last few days she’s been out almost constantly with us. Last night she even spent quite a bit of time laying on the couch with us. For Mertz this is huge. It’s been fun to watch her transformation

We have been eating at home and adding more veggies into our diet.