End of the month recap

I didn't run in October.   I didn't run a single mile.  Guess I didn't even come close to any mileage goalie the month.   But let's be honest...I didn't set any either!!!!

My weight is hovering in that same 3 pound range and as of my last weigh in was hovering at the high end.

Let's be honest...after my food consumption this weekend (week) I will be shocked if it's still within that range...even barely!   Yes I aim for 1200-1300 calories. (Typically)   I haven't been too bad...1600 or so lost days...but Saturday...I went to breakfast with a friend...and ordered the cinnamon stack pancake thing at Bob Evans.  And yes syrup!  Yeah...over 1k on calories right there!   I was full and didn't really want lunch...but got an Italian soda....170 calories.   Dinner was pizza (two slices and wings...only three wings...and some blue cheese). 750 calories.  Then we got Ben and jerry's ice cream....and I ate almost the whole container (of course we got our own containers!!)...over 1k calories there!  That means I ate over three thousand calories!!!!  Ouch!!!

Oh wait...the silver lining????  I tracked!!!

So November....running?  I have some vacation time. Like a week and a half and then a really long weekend later)....and the holiday.  There is a chance that dad may be having surgery...we are assuming that's the next step...we will know more after the next appointment with the surgeon.   Realistically if I'm off work and staying at home getting a run in is easy!  But I know that Jason and I will be out and about....and if we are away (which we plan on being some nights) then running is much more difficult.   And if I am home but we are hooking up to hike or bike...well then running will be pushed aside.   So I don't want to place a super high goal this month...40 miles was a stretch before.  Not having run in the last month AND a crazy month ahead of me could make 40 a totally inachievable goal!  There are 14 days I will be scheduled to work in November. At least 4 of those will be early starts which makes running likely to not happen.   That gives me 10 days....2 miles each of those days is 20 miles.....and that will be harder if dad has surgery in November!    So my goal is 20!!!!!

20 miles!!!!  I can do this!!!!  (And if I do happen to hit a much higher number...I will just have to celebrate!!!! )

This last weekend we ended up taking it a bit easier....sinus pressure for one but also a slight stomach problem.  (It passed but we didn't want to push our luck!).  So we did some antiquing...some roaming and bike shopping (Jason is planning on buying a new bike very soon...which is why I mentioned biking earlier in this post....which reminds me...one if my bikes needs to come out of storage ASAP so I can make sure she is in working order!!).  We drove home and decided to take the ferry across the river.

And we walked about 6 miles on the canal...

A good weekend!!

Throw in the Towel

The last few weeks I have struggled.   I occasionally think about how awesome I felt at a lower weight and I want it again!    I think about the energy levels I had back than and I want it!!!!  And in those moments it seems attainable and even something that I really want and am willing to work for!!!

But a lot of the time I think about going through the bins of clothes that I have in the next size or so down.....and throwing them away (or rather goodwilling them!).  I think about just settling and buying clothes for me right now in this size....not constantly just buying the bare minimum because 'I'm going to be losing weight and won't be in this size much longer'.   I think (quite happily I might add) about never logging onto myfitnesspal again.  Never again thinking about caloric counts.   I think about walking away from it all and just being happy with who I am and not worrying about my weight.  

You see...Jason tells me all the time how beautiful I am.  He tells me all the time that I'm perfect and the woman of his dreams in every way!!  It is me that doesn't feel 'perfect'.    But when I think about his compliments and actually start to believe them I really honestly wonder why I am doing this?  Why am I beating my head against a seemingly indestructible brick wall???  Is it worth it?

You see....I stress myself out.  I am torn in half between wanting the weight loss and wanting the freedom.   I half heartedly try.  I half heartedly keep my finger in the pot.  I log onto myfitnesspal every day....gotta keep my streak going you know!!!   But I don't log religiously.....I log half heartedly.  And usually just breakfast with an occasional lunch tracked. It's sad really. 

 Half-hearted effort....and no results.   They go hand in hand don't they?  And what's worse they breed more of the same!!!

I haven't give up totally.   I want to live and be active up until the end.....and I know weight loss...or rather a healthy lifestyle is important to accomplish that goal.   And that thought alone is what is keeping that one wee little toe of mine in this race. 

My weight for this week?  Up 2 pounds.  Grrr.   I am right where I was in March.  I guess I should be happy that in holding steady within a five pound range.  (I have dropped on occasion but  I'm pretty much sticking within a 3 pound range....I'm at the top of that range right now)

So let's look at the positives.  

So far in 2016.......

I have hiked 180.67 miles.

I have run 157.89 miles.  

I have walked 369.63 miles!!! 

We have hiked and stood at overlooks.  

We  hiked to scenic beaches through nature preserves.

We have stood at the bottom of a waterfall and then a few hours later stood at the top of that same waterfall after a long climb up.

We have walked the beach....

And walked through graveyards and around ruins and other interesting places exploring...  

We have walked countless hours in museums.

And 

I have been somewhat active!!!  

So there are positives!!!

And as I reread what I wrote and looked at the positives one thing was startling clear in my thoughts.   I want to live!!!  I want to be looking at pictures of myself in 40 years of me standing at a waterfall....in a museum (and not as a mummy but as a visitor)...at a beach sunset....viewing an overlook!  Yes I'll be 84....it's doable!!!

I don't know how this is going to play out.  I am making no vows to be religious with tracking.  I make no vows to watch healthy.  I make no vows to never eat a chip again!   I make no promises at all!   

But maybe.....just maybe I can find some kind of happy medium!!!!

Slowly dwindling supply

I've had a few punches in my progress the last 12 hours or so......lets just call them whammys!

The first Whammy.....(and I apologize...number one may be a bit long). It's a whammy to my heart...but also a reminder to myself...an important lesson!

Sometimes we don't realize the impact that we have on others.  In a way it is mind boggling!  I was just reminded of this in a very real way within the last 24 hours....  Let me start at the beginning...about 30 years ago...junior high and high school.   I was friendly to all and counted most people in the school as 'friends....more acquaintance friends'.  I had some that I was a little closer with.....One of those was Jennifer.   We spent every lunch together sitting on a bench on the quad.   We rode the bus together.  We had multiple classes together.  She was quiet, smart and really sweet.   She had the deepest southern accent.  We got along great.  I moved away right around graduation...and we have not seen each other since then.  However we have faithfully kept in touch via Letters, Christmas cards (even during crazy college years when I almost no one got Christmas cards from me, I would go to hallmark and buy a special one for her) and once social media hit through Facebook and other such mediums. In recent years sadly it was only random 'likes' and comments on Facebook and the yearly Christmas card.  Last night when my cell phone rang with an unknown number I almost didn't answer it.  Telemarketer or some such none sense I was sure.   But the Dade City, Florida displayed on my phone made me curious...because well I lived in Brooksville which is right near there...and of course Jennifer lives in Dade City.   I answered it expecting to shortly thereafter hang up on a sales call. (Yes I need to get myself back on the do not call list...I must have fallen off that lost!).    The voice on the other end took me right back to the years I lived in Florida.  Deep southern accent ....it was Missy...Jennifer's sister (incidentally missy was just a year or two older so I knew her too).   She was calling to tell me that Jennifer had passed away that morning.  I was in shock.  I talked to missy for a while and found out what happened (she had cancer and had requested that it be kept as private as possible and since I'm 20 hours or so away by car I never knew).    

So a whammy to lose my friend....but also a huge reminder to myself that my actions and behaviors really affect people!!!   Here is someone that was shy and quiet ...I extended my friendship to her and 26 years after the last time we saw each other in person....and after years of not really having real contact I am on the call list that she left to notify about her death.  (can we count the FB likes and the Christmas cards as real contact...I'm going to say no!). I don't even recall sharing my cellphone number with her!!!  I either forgot or they had to search to get my number!  It tells me that my friendship had a larger impact upon her life than I may have realized.

I feel guilty....I could have been such a better friend in recent years!  The Internet opens up the world that makes it easier to stay in touch.    When I was in Florida a few years back (2014) I had thought about flying down a day earlier and visiting Jennifer but logistically and financially it would have been difficult.   But I SHOULD have!!! 

  How simple an act of kindness...the extension of friendship really is...but very far reaching in the hearts and lives of those on the receiving end!!!  

Whammy two came while I was on the phone with Missy.  I asked what type of cancer.   Colo-rectal....already spread to the liver at the time of diagnosis.   My heart stopped.   That is exactly what my father is fighting!  I heard the story of Jennifer's fight and while it started with the same diagnosis it sounds like she gave up and stopped fighting.  I'm going to cling to that and to the power of prayer when it comes to my father!!! (Dad is currently receiving radiation in Baltimore...which they indicate will be the last step before surgery....he is concerned about his cat that is home alone....with me and my cats!!!!  I sent him this picture last night.....and yes, shadow is definitely missing his daddy!!!  Just like Ethel is really missing her granddaddy!!)

Dad seems to be handling the radiation with flying colors....just like he did the first rounds of chemo!  We continue to pray!!

Whammy three?  Just the normal monthly ick.

Whammy four????   I woke up with draining sinus ick causing a sore throat and a sinus pressure headache!

You know your day isn't going to go well when you make a stop at the pharmacy and your purchases look like this...

Yes I made a few more purchases while I was there...

In fairness the sweet tarts were buy one get one for 25 cents.  And they are kind of a memory from high school (that's when I used to get them) so it seemed fitting!!

Ohhh and while Jennifer's death is just reminding me to take care of myself to try to be as healthy as possible so that I CAN live far into the future in a healthy manner.....today is just a day that I needed more...

I'm not falling off the rails...but for today I'm going to mourn the loss of my friend,  lament about my failure as a friend, worry about my dad, cough and sniffle through this sinus gunk, and just ride out the monthly ick and its corresponding emotions with a slowly dwindling pile of candy on my work desk!!!!

How time flies

So I haven't been here....and I haven't been eating super healthy.  Oh and I haven't been running!

I have hiked and walked!!!  Does that count for something???  

I think my problem now is that I don't want to go back to being that extremely strict girl that literally cried when I dropped my counted out chips..causing some to crumble.  Why did I cry?  I had already eaten some....I lost some to crumbs and I didn't know how many I had left to eat.  I don't want to be so anal that the mere thought of eating a French fry makes my blood curdle.  I don't want to stop living!  And in fact living that regimented while necessary at the time (it helped by teaching me valuable lessons in diet, my body and willpower) are not healthy emotionally for a long term existence!!!  

Yet I want to lose weight!   We once again saw an older couple out hiking together.   I want that to be me when I'm old and gray (ok older and grayer!!).   I don't want to have to use a walker or be in a wheelchair or worse.  I want to have the world by the horns and enjoy life until my dying day!!!!   Yes I can enjoy life as an overweight girl....but I also know that being overweight causes health problems and will eventually lead to debilitating illnesses and issues that will decrease my quality of life.  I don't want that.  I want to do anything and everything that I can to protect that future!!! 

So where does that leave me???   Not a weight loss nazi....but still losing weight? Seems reasonable to me.

First up?

Tracking...not so much to be so regimented...but to seriously and realistically know what I'm eating...and conversely what I'm burning through these walks, hikes and runs.  

Junk food....Chips....minimalize how many chips I eat!!!   Oh and red velvet whoopie pies...moderation.    I'm not saying I won't eat some French fries...or potato chips.   I just need to cut back.  Every other meal is not acceptable!  (Ok maybe it wasn't that bad...but I know I've eaten more chips in the last months than I have for years!!)

Focus on trying to get the fruits and veggies!!!  I have been woefully lacking!   Healthy food tastes so good too!!!   

So no big plan...just a slow shift to healthier eating.  And if it's a slow loss then that's ok too.   Healthy is what matters!!

I have been happy though!!!! Utterly happy!!!!

I love that picture...It just makes me smile!!!

So it's been a while.   Last weekend we spent some time in Manassas, VA.  It was fun and relaxing!  (And a bit windy)

  

We also finally made it to The Elephant Emporium.   This place was so odd that it amused me....Jason said it felt like a scene out of a 'b' horror movie!

Then this weekend we went to Dumfries, VA and spent some time there....also in Fredericksburg, VA and points in between.

We actually ate a bit healthier this weekend...

But not totally healthy...

But we saw the sites and got some walking in...5.3 miles on Saturday...and we finally got to see the 1780's cemetery in Fredericksburg (we've tried before but when it's cloudy they don't open it...go figure)

 We also went to Government Island...a park in Virginia....notable because it contains the remnants of an  old quarry that was instrumental in supplying certain stones for important buildings such as the White House and the Nations Capital. (And we got in about three miles of walking)

Here is a picture of us standing up on some of the stone looking over the quarry.

It was a short hike...but the scenery was nice!

(Yes the man is part of the scenery I was referring to!!)

And then on the way home we saw a spectacular sky!!!

(The pictures are unedited...the sky was that brilliant...and the pictures were taken about 5 minutes apart)

So onward we move as I try to adopt (re-adopt) a healthier lifestyle.   One that is healthy for all aspects!!!  Not just food but emotions!!

The past week

This past week was a week of a ton of food!!!  

This past week was a week of no running!

This past week I managed to basically hold on to my weight by the skin of my teeth.

Ok let's start with running!  A week and a half ago I wrote a post that laid out a detailed plan to actually reach my monthly goal of 40 miles.  Uhhhh yeah....that didn't happen!   I didn't run even once!!!  It was rainy some days.   I spent four days away.  My shoes were giving me blisters.   Yeah.  It just didn't happen.  So we shall see for this month. I bought new shoes yesterday (same shoes ...but through Amazon...so a whole lot cheaper than the store...and no shipping cuz I'm a prime member!).  That should help matters!!!   Maybe I can sneak in 40 for October!!!

Yes we were away for four days.  We went up to New Jersey.   We spent time in Atlantic City

 Wildwood 

and Cape May

Yes we climbed the Cape May Lighthouse.  We also climbed the Absecon Lighthouse...

We hit up Ripleys Believe it or not... And walked the Boardwalk down to Ventnor Coty and beyond.  (And the Boardwalk in wildwood)

And of course we walked many miles hand in hand on the beach!

  

All told we walked about thirty miles in 4 days....

So the walking, lighthouse climbing and time walking in unsteady sand on the beach kinda negated the food....

Why yes..that huge bucket of fries was lunch one day.   I didn't stop to take a picture of the delicious deep fried Reece's cups we found on the Boardwalk either!!   Or the delicious pizza....subs...barbecue...caramel popcorn...taffy. and other goodness!!

So it was with fear that I stepped onto the scales today.   But I was only up by about 6/10ths of a pound!    I am so happy with that!!

Back to the grind and back to watching and being healthy!  It's time!!!