Farewell 2016 post

I decided to focus on the positive...and not even talk about what I didn't do!!!!  

Three things I did right in 2016

1.   I took the big scary step of giving my heart to someone. After my marriage and the hurt involved it was a huge step and very difficult!!!    But I finally decided that it was better to take the leap and risk a broken heart versus never love against.  If it ended then I would treasure the happy memories!   As a result I have experienced a love like I have never experienced!  
2. Realizing that possessions only weigh me down....and starting the purge of unnecessary items from my life. (Stuff like games I will never play...books I will never again read...etc.). Slowly but surely!  (Very slowly ....a garbage bag here and there!  Either to the garbage or to goodwill!)    This has been difficult...I didn't realize how much I am tied to possessions.  I worry about getting rid of stuff...what if I need it next week???  But I have found with each purge I feel so proud of myself!  
3. Taking the plunge into a hobby that I had contemplated and dreamed about for a long time.   What fun it has been to work on dollhouses....it combines my jack of all trades master of mine mentality to crafts!!!!  To do a dollhouse you need to have a bit of knowledge in so many aspects...and the projects are usually shorter than some of these long crafts (seriously a quilt can take months...as can a cross stitch) so I don't get bored and put the project aside!!!

Three things to improve in 2017

1. Finances....savings. I need to build my savings!!!  My car repair depleted it almost totally!!!  (Have I mentioned that dollhouse stuff can be expensive??)
2. Lose weight. This is my year!!!
3. Running, biking hiking...consistency through the year in these activities will make it easier and more fun!

One word to be the word of the year!

Happy !    

I go into the year satisfied with some aspects of my life.   I am in a relationship where I am quite satisfied  happy and content.   But I am not content with my job and I would love to be living on my own again and because of that I struggle with satisfaction and happiness.  But I need to remind myself to be  satisfied and happy  where I am at right now and at each pout in my life.  That includes my current weight, my current running pace, and everything else.  I don't have to be content where I am at....but I have to be satisfied and happy!   I have to say, I want more but I am happy  with where I am at until things change!!!  I am satisfied....and therefore happy!!!

And a mantra/phrase for the new year....

I hold the keys to my satisfaction and happiness!!!!

My ace in the hole for losing weight is that Jason seems to be very interested in making a change in his diet and lifestyle also.   He had talked to me a few months back about juicing.  He wanted me to try it and in a moment of weakness I agreed.   I did make the proclamation that I didn't want to do it in then because I had a vacation upcoming ...then thanksgiving...then another vacation...then my birthday...then Christmas.  So he agreed to early January.  I kinda of forgot about it all.....and admittedly maybe hoped that he would forget (or move onto something else)!   But nope he brought it up the other week when he talked about his weight and his plans. (He doesn't need to lose much but he has his few 'vanity pounds' he wants to drop (pounds to drop not a pant size but to be under a certain number on the scales).   So it's coming...and honestly, although the fear of the taste looms big, I am somewhat interested in what kind of loss I can have that week...and of course how I will feel!!!   (I told him he better come up with really good tasting juice combinations!!). And if I feel awesome and drop mad pounds I just may commit to more juicing than a week!

I of course set the 2017 miles in 2017.....I have also joined the Hub City 100 Miler...100 miles in 100 days.   Jason and I have talked about ramping up our hiking again....and we have talked about biking the whole length of the canal.  And we have mentioned restarting the running challenge....so lots of activities for me in the new year.

I decided to focus on the positive...and not even talk about what I didn't do!!!!  

Three things I did right in 2016

1.   I took the big scary step of giving my heart to someone. After my marriage and the hurt involved it was a huge step and very difficult!!!    But I finally decided that it was better to take the leap and risk a broken heart versus never love against.  If it ended then I would treasure the happy memories!   As a result I have experienced a love like I have never experienced!  
2. Realizing that possessions only weigh me down....and starting the purge of unnecessary items from my life. (Stuff like games I will never play...books I will never again read...etc.). Slowly but surely!  (Very slowly ....a garbage bag here and there!  Either to the garbage or to goodwill!)    This has been difficult...I didn't realize how much I am tied to possessions.  I worry about getting rid of stuff...what if I need it next week???  But I have found with each purge I feel so proud of myself!  
3. Taking the plunge into a hobby that I had contemplated and dreamed about for a long time.   What fun it has been to work on dollhouses....it combines my jack of all trades master of mine mentality to crafts!!!!  To do a dollhouse you need to have a bit of knowledge in so many aspects...and the projects are usually shorter than some of these long crafts (seriously a quilt can take months...as can a cross stitch) so I don't get bored and put the project aside!!!

Three things to improve in 2017

1. Finances....savings. I need to build my savings!!!  My car repair depleted it almost totally!!!  (Have I mentioned that dollhouse stuff can be expensive??)
2. Lose weight. This is my year!!!
3. Running, biking hiking...consistency through the year in these activities will make it easier and more fun!

One word to be the word of the year!

Happy !    

I go into the year satisfied with some aspects of my life.   I am in a relationship where I am quite satisfied  happy and content.   But I am not content with my job and I would love to be living on my own again and because of that I struggle with satisfaction and happiness.  But I need to remind myself to be  satisfied and happy  where I am at right now and at each pout in my life.  That includes my current weight, my current running pace, and everything else.  I don't have to be content where I am at....but I have to be satisfied and happy!   I have to say, I want more but I am happy  with where I am at until things change!!!  I am satisfied....and therefore happy!!!

And a mantra/phrase for the new year....

I hold the keys to my satisfaction and happiness!!!!

My ace in the hole for losing weight is that Jason seems to be very interested in making a change in his diet and lifestyle also.   He had talked to me a few months back about juicing.  He wanted me to try it and in a moment of weakness I agreed.   I did make the proclamation that I didn't want to do it in then because I had a vacation upcoming ...then thanksgiving...then another vacation...then my birthday...then Christmas.  So he agreed to early January.  I kinda of forgot about it all.....and admittedly maybe hoped that he would forget (or move onto something else)!   But nope he brought it up the other week when he talked about his weight and his plans. (He doesn't need to lose much but he has his few 'vanity pounds' he wants to drop (pounds to drop not a pant size but to be under a certain number on the scales).   So it's coming...and honestly, although the fear of the taste looms big, I am somewhat interested in what kind of loss I can have that week...and of course how I will feel!!!   (I told him he better come up with really good tasting juice combinations!!). And if I feel awesome and drop mad pounds I just may commit to more juicing than a week!

I of course set the 2017 miles in 2017.....I have also joined the Hub City 100 Miler...100 miles in 100 days.   Jason and I have talked about ramping up our hiking again....and we have talked about biking the whole length of the canal.  And we have mentioned restarting the running challenge....so lots of activities for me in the new year.

Lofty or realistic??

Well I'm not feeling as crazy out of control as I was last week!   I managed to make it through the Christmas week between my Wednesday weigh ins  with a maintain.  I will take it!!!

I am splurging a bit this week....there is a cookie that my mom only makes at Christmas that she just made for me!   I've been after her to make them and she just did!  (Thank you mommy!!!)   But I'm going to try to moderate my intake.   Luckily one of mom's customers also loves these cookies so he got half the batch (apparently he doesn't share his with his family ...these cookies are that awesome!!)

This past weekend I had thoughts of popping into myfitnesspal to keep my streak alive...but I totally forgot and I lost my streak.  I was over a year of logins!   It's sad to let it go....but in a way I'm happy.  It was a total false streak!  Out of those 400 days I probably only logged 1/4 of them...maybe half!!!!   I wish I could turn that stupid streak thing off...it's pressure!!!!   I'm sure I will be logging soon enough and the streak will begin again and the pressure will mount as the streak grows.  In the meantime I'm just sitting back and enjoying not worrying about that stupid streak!!!!!

So this morning I saw someone that has challenged themselves to walking 2017 miles in the year 2017.  That's 5.52 miles a day or 168 miles a month!   That's a LOT!!!   Ok before I start talking myself out of this...they say aim for 10k steps a day.   That's roughly 5 miles right there.  Maybe I really should invest in that Fitbit to be able to count all those random steps.....hmm or just count the actual walks, hikes, runs and bike rides.

***In the summer jason and I walked a lot in the evenings it was easy for us to knock out between 3 and 6 miles in an evening.

****In the winter spring and fall  we hiked a lot...it was average for us to do 8-10 mile hikes.  

*** we have been biking and that racks up the miles fast!!  (We are talking about doing a through ride on the canal one long weekend...that's 184 miles in one weekend!!  Plus we will be riding a lot in preparation for the big ride!)

***running. There is 40-50 miles a month with simple 3-4 mile runs.

***if I walk on my lunch break there is a mile....times each day of the week gives me five miles a week....25 a month.  

Yes...this is actually doable!!!!

So I guess I have started laying out my plans for 2017!!! I may as well finish now!!!

Plans and goals for 2017

1. Propel myself 2017 miles
2. Get to my goal weight (50 pounds to lose give or take)
3. Exercise consistently to rebuild my fitness levels.

Change

Twas the night before Christmas (before Christmas Eve) and all through the house, the smell of cookies wafted!

Ok, that's not how it goes....but sometimes that's what I feel this world is.  I feel like I am walking through a world of temptation.  I feel like every which way I turn I am accosted with super yummy things that are just HORRIBLE for my weight loss efforts.  Notice I didn't just say horrible. Because in the grand scheme of things a Reeces Cup, or a cookie or a serving of Ben and Jerry's ice cream is not a horrible thing.  It's horrible for ME because I'm out of control.

There, I said it.  I'm out of control. Or rather I've been out of control!  (I can't say that I'm in control yet...but I had a realization this morning and maybe...just maybe I'm regaining control!)

I make grand plans to 'clean it up' and vow to do it....but then I get to work and a customer brings in cookies.  Well of course I have to have a cookie....or three  or four.  I am just getting over the cookie frenzy when a coworker gives me a Christmas bag....with Reece's Cups.  Well I just 'had' to eat them didn't I?   Now, it doesn't matter that there were five cups and I ate them in one day....I was showing appreciation for the thoughtful gift right?  A tin of popcorn?  A box of candy?  Yeah, people bring their bankers gifts sometimes (the regular customers that we see on a daily basis do at least) and I have been imbibing!  

But lets be honest.  It just hasn't been the work food.  I've bought a pint of Ben and Jerry's Ice cream at least once a week....ok, and for a while it was more often.  A pint would last two nights (ha once or twice only one night) and then when I was out I would go pick up another pint!   Talk about the cost of obesity. (my last blog post...and since I can't do links here.....http://mfclingan.blogspot.com/2016/12/the-cost-of-obesity.html)....there is roughly 1000 calories in a pint of that delicious stuff....and it's $4.19 at the grocery store!  

It's just not good.   I've been consciously trying to make better choices....but it's just not good.

Add that to the fact that last night I woke up with a HUGE cramp in my foot.  Oh my word it was HORRIBLE!  I couldn't get it to ease up.  I couldn't move!  HORRIBLE!   Eventually it died down after what seemed like hours, but in reality was probably only minutes.  It wasn't until the light of day that I realized what is happening.  Dehydration!  I usually only get cramps in my legs/feet when I'm dehydrated!  And let me tell you.....the half bottle of water I drank yesterday is NOT enough!  Yeah, I only drank a half bottle of water yesterday.  Ok, maybe a full bottle.....16 ounces at most!   I have to be quite dehydrated!   And upon further thought, maybe that's why my head is kicking up a storm!

So what was the realization that I had this morning????  Cookies....mom made the comment that she should have me make some more pecan tassies because she only has a dozen to sell at the market.  I immediately thought about the fact that I only had a few tassies the day that I made them and then I"ve had no more as she has been selling them.  Ohhh and the same thing with the date dainties that I made that same day.  I was sad for a split second....and then an incredible thing happened.   I realized that I didn't really want any more of those cookies.  I had had my taste and I was good!  Now that's not to say that if I would happen to make them that I wouldn't eat one or two....but honestly I am ok without them!  (And I doubt I will make them as her last market before Christmas is tomorrow and I work today!)

I'm not making any dramatic declarations yet.  But I will say that I'm tired of being 'over stuffed' with food and feeling miserable.  I'm ready for a change!

The cost of obesity

You know....this food addiction is costly.  What a waste of money!!!

Last week I was meeting Jason and he was running a few minutes late so I popped into a CVS to pick up a greeting card.  I saw this.....

Yes I have to admit that the chocolate was in my hand as I walked around.  I wanted it!!!

But then I started thinking about what else I wanted to do with my money.   I have lights to buy for my dollhouse!!!!  (And my birthday dollhouse to build, light and furnish!!). Three or four bucks could buy me something for that!!! (Part of  something maybe)

Yeah, I put the chocolate back....ashamed to admit not because of the calories but because of the money....mostly!!!

Obesity costs....financially...physically...emotionally...in every way!!!!    

So my weekly weigh in was this morning....arrggh!   Can I leave it at that????   Last week I was so happy with my 'I held steady and didn't gain weight like I did the first vacation of this fall.   Well it just took a few days to catch up apparently!!!!

Yeah I've eaten chocolate today.  What's wrong with me????  (Nope I didn't buy it...customers have been dropping off chocolate and treats for us!)

I believe that I'm going to just 'be' for the next few days.  Try to curb the intake...but not stress...but after Christmas hit it hard!!!!   And add in that exercise.

(Of course I wrote about exercise in my last post and ended up with something wrong with my arm!!!  Grrr)

Which way did it go?

My vacation ended on Wednesday morning when I went back to work.  I had made the very conscious decision to clean up my eating at the same time!   So now it's Saturday and time to check in to see how I have done.

I haven't weighed myself since my weigh in on Wednesday.  Wednesday are my official weigh in day and I'm ok with not checking daily.  Although maybe I need to get back to it, even if just for a marker and a daily reminder to clean it up or a pat on the back for a job well done.  Hmmmm.  

I will say that my clothes feel tighter than I like them.  The 10 pounds I have gained in the last so months are showing!  I don't like that!!!!

So was my welcome back to 'real life' a success or a failure?

It wasn't a colossal failure.  But I wouldn't call it an utter success either!  

Wednesday and Thursday my calories topped at around 1500 - 1600 calories.  I aim for 1200.....but 1500 isn't bad at all.  (And would have been better had I actually exercised!!).  Friday...well my calories were outrageously high!!  2300 high!!!    

(Christmas cookies....the devil incarnate!!)

So where does this leave me????  It wasn't a failure but wasn't a success.

I'm actually happy with my efforts this week.  I have tracked.... and other than the one day I wasn't too far out of whack with my eating. (And while I can blame the cookies...it was really the 1500 calorie screaming scicillian holy pepperoni pizza that killed my calories on Friday!!)

I know I need to clean up the eating.  And by cleaning up the eating I don't mean , cleaning up/eating all of the random cookies that are leftover!   

Exercise.  I KNOW I need to kick it into gear!   I like to run outside...but dread starting back!!!   And there are always excuses, it's cold, my knees hurt, it's dark, it's too something!!!  Well, I pay for a gym membership (that I never use).  So saying that it is cold is not a valid excuse!!! The problem??   Honestly, I hate running in a treadmill?  I hate being inside...I would rather run outside.  I would rather ride my bike outside!  A stuffy old gym isn't any fun!   But in the cold...and with my schedule where it's dark pretty much all the hours that I'm not at work...it may be a necessity!!!  

So how can I work  exercise back into my life?

1. Schedule exercise!  Schedule which days I exercise and take no excuses!   I did that with Zumba.  I went to Zumba regardless of the weather or how I felt!  It was scheduled into my day and I went!  (Well unless they cancelled or if I really was injured or sick!). 
2. Watch the weather and plan plan plan!  
3. If the weather is warmer by all means sleep in a bit and go outside for a run!!!
4. If the weather is cold and icky...drag my butt out of bed earlier and go to the gym!!!!  Even if that means that I have to go to the gym at 5am!!!   A lot of times I'm awake at that hour...I'm just being lazy and laying in bed playing on my phone or iPad!!  And yes...I did just say gym and 5am in the same sentence....kinda shocked the heck out of me too!!
5. Alert my parents to my plans....that is an excuse I use frequently...well if I leave they will worry about where I went or I may scare them when I'm rattling through the house at 4 or 5 AM!
6. Lay out my clothes the night before!!!!!  And that includes exercise  clothes AND work clothes!  Make the transition from bed to exercise  and exercise to work easy!!!
7. Too cold to get to the gym because the car would need scraped and warmed and it just kills too much time?  Or because I'm running late?  I have tons of exercise videos!!!  
8. Grab any type of extra activity that I can.  There are tons of chances for movement *walking outside on my lunch break on nice days                                                                      *going up and down the steps on cold days * using the steeper/thigh workout machiney thing I have at home.                        *exercise videos...I have a ton of them!!!
9. Pray for nice weather on days I'm off or when I have a few hours of sunlight when I'm not working so that I can get on my bike....or lace up the hiking boots......or simply walk on the canal!  All things that Jason and I like to do together!

I really should have absolutely no excuse!!!  

And in the meantime....I need to keep the really cool clothes I've seen at some of the stores I've been in recently first and foremost in my mind!   I want to buy clothes that fit perfectly...not clothes I barely fit into...tightly!!!! 

Vacation

Well on my week of vacation in November I gained something like 5 pounds.  I didn't lose that before my December vacation.  But at least I maintained through the December vacation!

Yes, sadly the week vacation is over.  I have vowed to track my food and get back to eating healthy and lose this weight!  I want to be thin.  I want to buy really cool clothes!  Yup...that's my motivation!

Deeper thoughts coming soon...in the meantime, pictures from my vacation.

We had fun.

We rode bikes....

 Explored old buildings...

 Went bowling.....

 For my birthday I got flowers....beautiful flowers.....

 And we went away to a cabin in the woods....

 We played games in the cabin to pass time....

Relaxed in the hot tub.....















And checked out the General Lee car......

 Looked for bears.....

 For my birthday I got lighting equipment for my dollhouse....the Mini Mansion

 And I got a new dollhouse kit!!!!

It was a good week!  Now back to normal....and healthy pursuits!

Success

So at the end of October I sat down and thought about my goals for running for November.  I knew that with a vacation and with the holiday that my running would be limited.  So I set my goal at 20 miles for the month.

Well, the month is just about over......and how did I do?

Well as of this moment  with two days left, I am sitting at just over 10 miles run for the month.  Yeah, if I ran like the wind and ran like the engergizer bunny for the next two days I could possibly make it.  But being realistic, that's not going to happen.  Running 2 milers has been a difficult and arduous task for me this month.  So while I may (and hopefully will) get in at least one more run this month, I can safely and correctly call this goal blown up.

So where does the success come from?   I pulled out my one bike on Thanksgiving day...and as I wrote about in that post, I rode on Thanksgiving day.   Where the success comes from?  I also rode on Friday, Saturday AND Sunday!    I've ridden about 50-55 miles.  Not a ton of miles...but for someone that hasn't been on a bike in a few years it's a lot!   

And let me say...my butt ached terribly!   You don't think about those little bones until you start riding after a long hiatus!  Oh and my thighs ache from riding. And lets not forget the calves from running because that has been painful of late too!   And who know that biking would make my back (between my shoulder blades) achy and tense. 

I have continued on with eating a bit more healthily.  It hasn't been perfect by a long shot.  But I have at least managed to stay under my calorie goal....if I include my earned calories from these bike rides and runs.   The biggest victory though...my eating has included more veggies and fruits!  That's a huge step in the right direction!

So today I sit here at work and I ACHE!   It was an active 4 days...runs, walks and bike rides.   I plan on keeping pushing.....the aches will disappear and hopefully it will all get 'easier' again!

And some fun pictures.....

This picture was taken on Saturday...it was cold and drizzly rainy.....but Jason still had the umph in him to stick out his tongue at the camera.

A ride up in Paw Paw and a trip through the tunnel (twice)

We need a selfie with the bikes right?

The smell of success

Who in their right mind decides to get back on track with their healthier lifestyle on thanksgiving week??????  Thanksgiving day????

Oh yeah, that would be me.

 So I've written my blog posts over and over in the past year...or two or three about 'getting back on track'.  So when I wrote that on Wednesday, the day before thanksgiving it was insane....right?

Except......thanksgiving day was a total success!

When I got out of bed one of the FIRST things I did was to go out for a run.   And yes.....my run officially made me a total bad ass!!!!   It wasn't a pretty run by any means...my legs ACHED as did my feet.  But I am a badass because it was thanksgiving morning and I was running....it was cold....and it started to rain less than a tenth of a mile into my run (I was still in view of my house!!!) but I kept going and as I mentioned, it HURT!!   I didn't run far, I turned around at about the one mile mark.  I didn't do my normal route but stayed a bit closer to home by winding and circling close to home, but I did it!!!   Yup...badass!!!

I got home and immediately started in on the laundry....and my parents laundry....7 loads...maybe 8....all pushed through the cycles amidst my other activities.

I hopped into the kitchen beside my mother and we worked on 'the meal'.

I did take some time to nibble on a few things..probably not the healthiest things but that's ok....I didn't gorge and I didn't graze all morning!!!  (I had about three or four club crackers with cream cheese, a small bowl of the stuffing, and yes a piece of cake about mid morning because I was starving!)

When the meal prep was under control and things were in a lull, I went to my brothers house and spent some time with his kitty cat..

And I went to where the bulk of my belongings are stored and grabbed my one bike.   Oh it was tempting to grab both of them....but I knew that realistically I would only be riding the one for the time being (winter is rolling in!) I came home and pulled my bike off the car, locked it up on our porch and pumped up the tires....and checked them periodically for the next few hours to make sure that the old tubes were not compromised after the long hiatus from biking.

I did lots of small little chores that needed done...stuff like my car registration...into the glove compartment and the new sticker put ion the license plate. (It was windy and cold earlier this week, I waited for a more temperate day!)

Finally at 11:45 I took a shower....I had been in my feet and moving all morning.  I laid with MY cat mertz for a few minutes before heading back upstairs to help with the final preparations for the meal.  We ate and by 1:45 I was clearing off the table...packaging leftovers....washing washing washing dishes.   

By 2:30 I was knocking on Jason's door and we headed off!!!

Where in the world did we go on thanksgiving day? Were we Black Friday shopping?   Heck no!!!!

We went to the canal and took a nice long bike ride.  Ok, we were out for about  an hour and a half....we ran out of light (and truth be known we were ready to get off the bikes!  My butt needs to harden up and get used to riding agains)!!!   

We drove home...made one or two stops (I was CRAVING a diet soda...we needed gas in the car, etc) and made our way home through country roads.

Home again at 6:30 I was hungry and craving a peanut butter and jelly sandwich...so that's what I had (yes...with a fridge full of leftovers I had a pb&j...I've always said the creation of the pb&j was God's gift to the human race!!)

I relaxed the rest of the evening....and boy, did I feel the effects of my active day!!!   My leg muscles ache!!!!  Seriously...a couple years off a bike followed by a 15 mile ride equals pain!  Plus remember my run was painful also.  (The bike ache is thighs...the running ache was calves.....my legs 'o steel will be all right on a while if I continue!)

My total calorie count for the day?????  I ate 1957 in calories.....it said I burned 1389....leaving me with a deficit of 632...not bad for a holiday!!!   (My plate was mostly veggies at lunch...and I didn't stuff myself because I KNEW that I was heading out with my bike and I didn't want to feel like a trussed up turkey!)

Up next???  More bike rides through out this weekend!!!!  (The weather looks perfect for it!!  A little cool but not cold!).  Probably more running during my work week next week as that fits in with my schedule the best.  And more concentration on keeping my intake of calories low...and my output of calories high!!!

I feel more hopeful about actually getting this weight back off after a successful holiday!!!

Here we are

Here I am...sitting in the cusp of thanksgiving day and a weigh in day to boot.    I am not happy with my weight!   Not at all!

So let's start and say I know why my weight is up.   Lots of delicious ice cream has not been kind.    Nor has too many carbs in my meals.   I have always historically had to limit my bread....I haven't been doing that.   Oh and did I mention the French fries???  Yeah...too many 'add fries to that carby/bready sandwich'. 

I also know I'm not exercising near enough!!!!  

Double whammy!!

The good thing?  I know what needs to be done to fix the situation.   I need to limit  the foods that are not good for me....for me that means tracking. 

  I also have to get off my butt and exercise!

I'm getting the itch to ride my bikes.  Jason has been bike shopping....and I've been in the stores with him.....the bikes have a certain draw for me!!!

Plus I have this running thing I like to do....

As I sat here at work this morning thinking about it I was trying to think of a fantastic reward.   Something that would motivate me.  Money does...but seriously...taking my own money from my 'play savings account' to use for reward play doesn't motivate me...I desperately need to come up with something rewarding!!!

In the meantime...my goals and plans?   Track track track....keep my food within budget and exercise at least 3-4 times a week...preferably more!!!!

So the other week I swung into bath and body works and picked up some lotion in my favorite scent.  I had a coupon for something free so I picked up the matching body wash...which I have been out of for a while (I've been using cheap stuff!).   I have been using the lotion but the body wash not.  So when I was in the shower the first day the scent of that body wash was wafting around me and to me it was the smell of independence!

You see...I had almost always used the same scents...but about a year ago I was sniffing away and picked out a different  scent to try.   I took it with me and used it for the first time when I went on vacation by myself.   That vacation was a big deal for me....because I took control of my single life and realized that alone or with someone that I would be better than ok....I wouldn't sit on my couch and shrivel up and die.....I was going to live my life.    Mentally I took flight.  It was honestly a huge thing for me...coming on the heels of a divorce...a breakup foreign a guy I saw for a few months after my divorce....the purging of a very unhealthy friend.  So in the midst of all that hangs I swapped scents and found a new one...that I incidentally love....(Jason likes it too thank heavens).   The smell of independence!!!!   That is what bath and body pink chiffon smells like to me. 

  And I have no clue how this relates to weight loss...but it's gotta be tied in someway.  After all, it's all interconnected right?????

Out of control

It's not too bad is the words I said when I stepped into the scales on my official weigh in day on Wednesday.  I was only up by one pound.   However...each day thereafter my weight has popped up higher and higher!

What is wrong with me that I can't get my eating under control?   I can blame other people.  Like mom for talking to me before work making me late which caused me to grab a fast food breakfast on the way to work.  Maybe I should blame diana my manager for bringing donuts to work...and of course she got peanut butter!!!  Wait...Jason wanted Ben and Jerry's ice cream last night!!! And mom had those wonderful pumpkin cookies leftover that she offered me!!! Terri wanted a frosty after Mexican, it's her fault!!!

But in reality...it is no ones fault but my own!!! Jason didn't tie me down, melt the ice cream and pour it down my gullet!   Mom didn't keep me from grabbing an apple or a piece of fruit when I was running late.  The donut didn't have my name etched into the icing!!!  I made the choices to partake!  Me and me alone!!!!

So I face thanksgiving week in front of the eight ball...already significantly up on the scales (5-6 pounds)!   

How?  Reigning myself in is proving to be horribly difficult!!!   Do you think the doctor would just wore my jaw shut???

Ouch

Where to begin...... November 2 was the last time I wrote.

My vacation began starting on November 4th.   I actually drug myself out and went running that first day.  It wasn't a fabulous run but I did it!     

My vacation was pretty low key.   We went away on the first weekend and did some shopping...some relaxing....some hanging out together.  Nothing too exciting.  My food intake was pretty steady....not exactly healthy but not too bad.  

We walked about 2 miles or so each day.  Yes. Very relaxing!

I actually walked an average of 2 miles each day of my vacation with one day getting in a 7 miles walk on the canal!)

On Wednesday early (super early) I drove my parents to Baltimore where my father had surgery to remove the cancer (the cancer or origination...we have more procedures for the places where the cancer spread).  It was a looooooong day.  (18 hours or so from beginning to end).  Lots of sitting in waiting rooms.   I did snack on foods that I had put in my bag (cheeZ-it's, almonds and sugar wafers). But for lunch I got a turkey sandwich and a big cup of fruit (mom and I shared the fruit cup since she loves Honeydo and I don't!!!).  

The doctor was very happy with the surgery and the fact that he is confident that the cancer is gone!   Now we (dad and mom mostly) just have to get used to the ramifications of the surgery.

A day of home running around and another day at the hospital...and that is where my eating took a nose dive.  On Friday at the hospital I started the day with a cheese Danish...then for lunch mom and I each got sandwiches and split them (so half a ham and cheese and half a turkey club).  That wasn't so bad but mom and I saw the desserts and couldn't resist sharing a cupcake and a red velvet cookie.   Then some people came to visit dad and brought cookies from the great cookie....and well dad was still on a liquid diet so I couldn't let those cookies go to waste could I???   I left the hospital that night about 6....and I was so tired that unjust picked up a little Caesars pizza for my dinner when I got back to Hagerstown.  I only ate half...and some ice cream!

Saturday I had the rest of the pizza for brunch!   And dad came home!  I wasn't needed at home so I skedaddled out of there (I made sure that the house was clean for visiting guests and that mom and dads laundry was all caught up...done and carried up the two flights of steps!)

My eating over the last weekend wasn't great...French fries (twice) Mac and cheese...Chinese...pizza again...just not healthy!  One day i had so much for lunch that I was physically ill!   Or maybe I had a touch of something..who knows!!!  We still had fun that day though....look we are both smiling even though my guts felt like they were ripping from my body!!! (We both weren't feeling good that day)

I did try to turn it around a bit on Monday and when we went to lunch I got a simple grilled cheese....applesauce and some Harvard beets.....and then without thinking added fries.  But at least I got some healthy stuff down my gullet...right???  And for dinner...my 'last supper' before returning to work I had a turkey sub....better caloric ally speaking than the Italian bmt!)

So I'm trying to clean it up!!!

On a good note....I've tried pomegranate juice before but never the actual fresh fruit.  This weekend was my first try at the real deal.   They seeds are quite tasty!!

I have no clue what I weigh....I feel bloated and icky (that could be from the monthly ick though!).  I will step on the scales tomorrow!   (First time in two weeks!)

So an eye opening week...a crazy week...some tiring days...some relaxing days...some sick days...a little of everything all rolled into one!!!

No running over the vacation but I plan to hit it hard starting tomorrow....I have 20 miles to knock out this month and in only 4.5 miles in!!!!

So one last picture....I'm getting sooo spoiled!  I rarely have to do this stuff anymore!   It is so foreign to me after my ex-marriage.  Just makes me smile..... It feels good to be taken care of....appreciated....and most importantly loved!  (Must be love since he left me take a picture...grudgingly! Hahaha)

Brutal

42 days.    That was how long I went between runs.  42 days!   The other day I made my plans and set my challenge for the month of November.   I know from personal experience that if I mess up, especially at the beginning that it kinda just happens that I throw in the towel...so I knew that grabbing a run or two before my vacation time was very important!

I woke up early (on my own).  It was very dark.  I waited a while. It was still very dark!   7am and it was still dark...but just starting to look better!  I drug myself out of bed at 7:30 and was outside at 7:45 (that was pretty much the latest that I could run and still make it to work on time!)   

The back of my right thigh and through my butt cheek protested immediately!!  Wowzers!   But I kept going because I had expected this run to hurt!!   And sure enough...it did!    That ache disappeared...but others marched in and out of the run. 

I walked a few times.. Twice to be exact...and only for about 30-60 seconds each time. I forced myself to keep running.   It was a slow pace (in reality only a few seconds slower than my pace from the last time I ran though!!)

Home...showered...at work and my leg muscles are ACHING!!!!!

But I did it!!!

Andy Grammers song masterpiece came on at the beginning of the run and these words pushed me through the aches...

One, you get one heartbeat, some take it seriously

This is your masterpiece, don't forget to dream
And taste the colors in the air you breathe
It's your masterpiece, go ahead and feel it all
Don't stop till it is beautiful
(Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh)
Don't stop till it is beautiful
(Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh)
Don't stop till it is beautiful

Me pushing through is helping to create me into an even better masterpiece...one of health!!

Now to just curb the need for ice cream. Yes, I had Ben and Jerry's again last night!!!

End of the month recap

I didn't run in October.   I didn't run a single mile.  Guess I didn't even come close to any mileage goalie the month.   But let's be honest...I didn't set any either!!!!

My weight is hovering in that same 3 pound range and as of my last weigh in was hovering at the high end.

Let's be honest...after my food consumption this weekend (week) I will be shocked if it's still within that range...even barely!   Yes I aim for 1200-1300 calories. (Typically)   I haven't been too bad...1600 or so lost days...but Saturday...I went to breakfast with a friend...and ordered the cinnamon stack pancake thing at Bob Evans.  And yes syrup!  Yeah...over 1k on calories right there!   I was full and didn't really want lunch...but got an Italian soda....170 calories.   Dinner was pizza (two slices and wings...only three wings...and some blue cheese). 750 calories.  Then we got Ben and jerry's ice cream....and I ate almost the whole container (of course we got our own containers!!)...over 1k calories there!  That means I ate over three thousand calories!!!!  Ouch!!!

Oh wait...the silver lining????  I tracked!!!

So November....running?  I have some vacation time. Like a week and a half and then a really long weekend later)....and the holiday.  There is a chance that dad may be having surgery...we are assuming that's the next step...we will know more after the next appointment with the surgeon.   Realistically if I'm off work and staying at home getting a run in is easy!  But I know that Jason and I will be out and about....and if we are away (which we plan on being some nights) then running is much more difficult.   And if I am home but we are hooking up to hike or bike...well then running will be pushed aside.   So I don't want to place a super high goal this month...40 miles was a stretch before.  Not having run in the last month AND a crazy month ahead of me could make 40 a totally inachievable goal!  There are 14 days I will be scheduled to work in November. At least 4 of those will be early starts which makes running likely to not happen.   That gives me 10 days....2 miles each of those days is 20 miles.....and that will be harder if dad has surgery in November!    So my goal is 20!!!!!

20 miles!!!!  I can do this!!!!  (And if I do happen to hit a much higher number...I will just have to celebrate!!!! )

This last weekend we ended up taking it a bit easier....sinus pressure for one but also a slight stomach problem.  (It passed but we didn't want to push our luck!).  So we did some antiquing...some roaming and bike shopping (Jason is planning on buying a new bike very soon...which is why I mentioned biking earlier in this post....which reminds me...one if my bikes needs to come out of storage ASAP so I can make sure she is in working order!!).  We drove home and decided to take the ferry across the river.

And we walked about 6 miles on the canal...

A good weekend!!

Throw in the Towel

The last few weeks I have struggled.   I occasionally think about how awesome I felt at a lower weight and I want it again!    I think about the energy levels I had back than and I want it!!!!  And in those moments it seems attainable and even something that I really want and am willing to work for!!!

But a lot of the time I think about going through the bins of clothes that I have in the next size or so down.....and throwing them away (or rather goodwilling them!).  I think about just settling and buying clothes for me right now in this size....not constantly just buying the bare minimum because 'I'm going to be losing weight and won't be in this size much longer'.   I think (quite happily I might add) about never logging onto myfitnesspal again.  Never again thinking about caloric counts.   I think about walking away from it all and just being happy with who I am and not worrying about my weight.  

You see...Jason tells me all the time how beautiful I am.  He tells me all the time that I'm perfect and the woman of his dreams in every way!!  It is me that doesn't feel 'perfect'.    But when I think about his compliments and actually start to believe them I really honestly wonder why I am doing this?  Why am I beating my head against a seemingly indestructible brick wall???  Is it worth it?

You see....I stress myself out.  I am torn in half between wanting the weight loss and wanting the freedom.   I half heartedly try.  I half heartedly keep my finger in the pot.  I log onto myfitnesspal every day....gotta keep my streak going you know!!!   But I don't log religiously.....I log half heartedly.  And usually just breakfast with an occasional lunch tracked. It's sad really. 

 Half-hearted effort....and no results.   They go hand in hand don't they?  And what's worse they breed more of the same!!!

I haven't give up totally.   I want to live and be active up until the end.....and I know weight loss...or rather a healthy lifestyle is important to accomplish that goal.   And that thought alone is what is keeping that one wee little toe of mine in this race. 

My weight for this week?  Up 2 pounds.  Grrr.   I am right where I was in March.  I guess I should be happy that in holding steady within a five pound range.  (I have dropped on occasion but  I'm pretty much sticking within a 3 pound range....I'm at the top of that range right now)

So let's look at the positives.  

So far in 2016.......

I have hiked 180.67 miles.

I have run 157.89 miles.  

I have walked 369.63 miles!!! 

We have hiked and stood at overlooks.  

We  hiked to scenic beaches through nature preserves.

We have stood at the bottom of a waterfall and then a few hours later stood at the top of that same waterfall after a long climb up.

We have walked the beach....

And walked through graveyards and around ruins and other interesting places exploring...  

We have walked countless hours in museums.

And 

I have been somewhat active!!!  

So there are positives!!!

And as I reread what I wrote and looked at the positives one thing was startling clear in my thoughts.   I want to live!!!  I want to be looking at pictures of myself in 40 years of me standing at a waterfall....in a museum (and not as a mummy but as a visitor)...at a beach sunset....viewing an overlook!  Yes I'll be 84....it's doable!!!

I don't know how this is going to play out.  I am making no vows to be religious with tracking.  I make no vows to watch healthy.  I make no vows to never eat a chip again!   I make no promises at all!   

But maybe.....just maybe I can find some kind of happy medium!!!!