Fighting

Fighting for all I'm worth.  I have gotten lost along the way.  In more ways than I really WANT to admit.....but because I am always brutally honest on my blog I will make the confessions.

I have gained 30 pounds since I moved in with my parents.  Why yes.  30 pounds.  I'm struggling.  I say I'm going to work on getting it under control and I actually start and then it falls apart.  For whatever reason.  Sometimes it falls apart because I a go away (like the weekend at the ocean) sometimes it falls apart because emotions get to me.  Sometimes it falls apart because I am a social eater..  So many reasons. But the end result is the same.  I've gained weight and it's not pretty.

I've already admitted to the marriage falling apart.  I am struggling.  I am over my ex husband but I struggle with the failure of my marriage.  I struggle with failing.  I struggle with the label of divorcee (which I am not one yet....VERY soon hopefully).   I struggle.   It's hard to walk away from the life that I had created.....even if it was a life created upon his lies and deeds.  Life is different and I've not found my stride yet.

My job has been a bit of a trial lately.   I won't go into it, but it's not a great situation.   A small part of it is that it is a small town of 800 people and my soon to be ex husband lives there.  So as all small towns are, everyone knows everything and that's not good for me right now. 

Somedays I just want to give up. It's overwhelming to have pretty much every aspect of your life crumble around you. I try to tell myself that if everything is in a pile of rubble around me then I have the opportunity to rise from the ashes and create something fabulous.  But most days it feels like an insurmountable pile of rubble to climb over.  

And then tonight, I was driving home from dinner and I heard this song and this is MY song!  It was written for me.   Ironically enough, a few weeks ago my youngest nephew talked about this song and I listened to it with him.  And I remember saying "cool song" but it wasn't until I heard it tonight that it really hit me.     Powerful......and what a message to hear and to turn into my words.   So here it is......Rachel Platten, "Fight Song"  in video form and also in lyric form. 

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (I'm in too deep)
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe
Yeah I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Now I've still got a lot of fight left in me