I had been really good on my Tuesday run and had set my alarm for 6AM so that I could have the time to 'prepare' for and have the time to run. I typically wake up about that time anyway so on Wednesday night I decided to forego the alarm clock. Of course, of all days I slept late. As in I woke up at 6:45. I really needed to be out running by 7AM. I could push it a bit and start at 7:15 but that would cut into my breakfast, shower, pack my work lunch and in general get ready for work time. I could push it to 7:30 but then I would be cutting into the few minutes of leeway I have in case I hit more red lights or get behind a bus or random farm equipment on my way to work. I got myself through my morning routine.....I was dressed and almost ready to go. I was going to be out by 7:15. I HAD this! 4 miles? Easy Peasy! Mom started talking.....and I started eating up my precious minutes. Then Mertz my kitty cat got out and she didn't want to be caught. And before I knew it it was 7:35. Dangit! Now I was in a REAL time crunch.
I headed out and my mind warred with myself the whole time. The bail out point was at 2 miles. I could turn left and be home in three tenths of a mile or I could turn right and complete another two miles. The whole time I was going back and forth in my mind "Run the two or run the four" Let me tell you, the mind is a vicious thing. The run was NOT a good one and I know it was that stupid little voice in my head that had latched onto the concept that I barely had enough time (if I even did) and decided to play on that. At the 2 mile point I checked the time.....yeah, I was way tight on time, just like I expected. So I have to admit that I succumbed to the voice in my head and I turned left to go home. I was still hot and sweaty, so I got a good workout!
Strangely enough I am A-OK with that decision. I have been pretty regimented with my training plan. Seriously, I have my plan posted on my wall at work and I delight in marking off the miles...and love when I actually complete a little bit more. I am saddened by the frown faces and the empty days that this sickness forced me to put onto the schedule.
But I have learned something about myself and I am growing as a runner and as a person.
What did I learn?????
I have worried and obsessed about my ability to complete this half marathon since I was felled with pneumonia midway through the training. Finally I had to say "whatever happens will happen". (If I don't run the half marathon, I will still be going....I can't wait to see my friend Donna and I have some site-seeing I need to do in Philadelphia!!!!) I also began to pray that if I am NOT meant to run this half marathon that I would know beyond a shadow of a doubt. I'm at peace. Oh yeah, I'm still constantly looking at my schedule and counting and calculating and wondering how the two weeks of rest will affect things. But life threw a curve ball at me with my run on Thursday and I was ok with it. It may have been because I needed the break and rest while I continue to try to get rid of this cough and tightness in my chest. Maybe it was a step toward a decision to not run this half marathon. Maybe it was nothing. But I'm ok with it.
I've also spent some time thinking about myself. For so long I've wanted to lose weight. I have a problem with food. Basically, I like it.....A LOT! I started thinking the other day about myself. My first inclination was to throw my hands up in the air and say "no more watching, I'm just going to eat what I want and live happy as a fat woman". But that's not what I want. I want to be thin. I want to be happy. There has to be a happy medium. So I'm not throwing up my hands. However, I am going to accept myself at this weight while I am here. That included going out last night and buying a few articles of clothing for myself. I have been limping along with a limited wardrobe. Next up might be a hair cut. It's time to take care of ME and show ME that I like myself!
In the meantime......I have to get to the store to buy some more peanut butter........this is a travesty to be this low! (And utterly scary!)
6 comments:
I am glad to know that you are leaving your options open with the half marathon. I would hate for you to push yourself too hard and relapse. I would also hate for you to give up when you could have made it happen. I can't wait to see how this turns out.
Lori
So, I am not the only one. I just blogged the other day about how I finally broke down and bought a new pair of pants because my too tight pants were making feel terrible about myself and not motivating me to lose. The next day I got a hair cut. We have to take care of ourselves emotionally as well on this adventure. www.losingmypuppy.blogspot.com
Mindless games are sometimes necessary. Clash of Clans is mine.
Oh my, I have those battles inside my head ALL THE TIME. So tiring and stupid. But glad you listened to reason because you would have ended up very stressed otherwise! Life throws us curveballs all the time (divorce, pneumonia) and you’re learning to take them in your stride. Or run, ha! And a big YES to accepting yourself where you you are now. So crucial. And it will make you feel better about yourself NOW rather than when you’ve lost the weight. Mind you, I also totally get that about wanting to just stay fat and eat. I often say to my husband “let’s just stop worrying about the weight and keep vegging out in front of the TV with our comfort foods.” That’s my dream scenario, ahem. But like you we cannot accept that, we need to keep working at this and get slimmer and healthier. xo
I think its important to do also these shorter runs, even though you COULD do longer ones. Constant pushing doesn't do good for motivation, so its just benefitical to keep it light and have the routine going on. To avoid that "either i do it all the way or not at all" attitude
You sound like you are in a much better place with things and that makes me happy for you! My current mindless game is sling kong!
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