One foot in front of the other

Why is this so difficult?  I kept vowing to try and start and work on this weight I'm all over this I kept telling myself.  And every day I would eat candy or french fries or something that would throw me for a loop and make me say "tomorrow" is the day.   Starting was proving to be the killer.

Toward the end of last week I made a vow to myself.  I was going to track my food....no matter what. I didn't matter what I chose to eat, all that matter was that I tracked EACH AND EVERY BITE!   Who cares if I was eating 40000 calories, my only responsibility was to track.  Now before you gasp and think, "what in the world, she just gave herself permission to eat anything".....I know that when I see the calories being consumed that I will freak and it will automatically pull me into control.

It worked....until yesterday.

Yesterday morning was bad.  I felt like one hot emotional wreck.  Just full of tears over everything.  I pulled myself together to go make breakfast and pack my lunch and proceeded to slice my hand open pretty badly (bad enough that half of my hand aches today....and it hurts to type!).  By the time I got that to stop bleeding and get myself ready for work it was time to go and I hadn't eaten breakfast yet.  So I did what anyone would do.  I stopped on the way.

I told myself just a breakfast sandwich and a small drink.  But you know what happened.  "Would you like to make that a meal"    And of course I answered yes and with no hesitation when she asked "super sized" I said yes also.   And that just set me up for a day of food debauchery.   (bad start to eating and roaring emotions...yup, failure)

All was not lost.....I still had zumba to help me burn off some calories.   But the snow.....

Emotions?  Why you ask.  Well of course I still have 'Cancer Kitty"  Who I watch (with a nervous twitch) every day...wondering if today is the day that she will no longer be able to eat or swallow past the growth on her neck.

Now I also have "Parapalegic Kitty"   Yes, another cat has joined the hospice care for cats center that I am apparently running.  Ethel on Saturday began to have horrible difficulties walking. I rushed her to the vet and he was skeptical but gave her some shots and pills (potions and lotions....literally) and sent her home.  She has recovered enough to get herself to he liter and the food....but it's rough.   Worse, she now just lays and most of the time she has a vacant stare in her eyes that just breaks my heart.  I can no longer get her to purr and she used to 'talk to me' all the time.....she doesn't do that any more.  My cat is not well and I know it.

Mertz, thankfully right now is doing well......so I will add a picture of Mertz.

Meanwhile....I'm just trying to smile.......

Progress

Water water water.   I am doing much better with the water consumption.  The morning water is fabulous and so fresh tasting.....once the 'city water' ice cubes start to melt into my water it becomes less appetizing to me as I can taste the chlorine.  Seriously, whoever thought that drinking water could be this complicated?    But it's working.....or rather starting to work.  I made it until Tuesday night before the caffeine headache invaded my life.  I caved.  I admit it, I totally caved and got a diet soda to guzzle down.  Hey, those headaches are the pits!   I also did order and drink diet soda with my dinner last night (girls night out)....hey, it's better than drinking alcohol right????      And it's SOOO much better than drinking ONLY diet pepsi each and every day.  Progress.

Food.   Well, it's not totally under control.  However, the good news is that it's not out of control either!   That's a good thing.  Even better?   I have dropped about 2 pounds (ha ha ha, lets be fair....it's probably water retention coming and going due to the natural fluctuations in my monthly cycle, but I'm taking it as a loss and that's that!)  Either way, not being spiraling out of control is a REALLY good step.  Progress.

Exercise......what is that?   I'm looking forward to zumba restarting for the year.  December 17th was the last class and it has seemed like a long stretch of no classes.  Classes are resuming January 12th.   I'm SOOO happy. I miss the camaraderie and yes, the exercise.  I feel sluggish without it. I did run some of the no zumba days. However, rain most of last weekend followed by snow on Tuesday which is now ice in spots makes me hesitant to go out running. That's the last thing I want to do is slip on ice and break my noggin.  (course I'm rather hard headed so my head would probably just bounce). 

So I'm just trying to tighten up the reins and loosen the pants (ha ha ha).   One step at a time.

 

Issues with my new life

Eating is killing me.  Drinking my water is killing me.   I'm struggling with finding a routine and a plan that works for me.

Lets start with water.  I'm not drinking.  I fill up my water jug everyday.  I swear I do it.  But then on the way to work with only one or two sips out of my water jug I decide that I need to get a diet soda and I stop and pick up a large drink.  I have pondered this.  Why is this so difficult?   What is wrong with me?  I like water!  I really do!   I finally figured it out the other day when I filled up a glass of water to drink at dinner.  I took a big gulp of water and it was just NASTY!   I have been drinking sweet well water for so many years and to switch to highly chlorinated city water was a shock that was throwing me for a loop.  I had been putting real lemon juice into my water, but that flavors my water and I just don't like flavored water.  So all of a sudden the light bulb went off in my head.  I"m struggling to drink my water because it doesn't taste right!   So how to fix...........

My solution....I just went out and picked up a bunch of gallons of spring water.  I will be starting this plan tomorrow!

Eating.  My parents eat 'weird' and not healthy at all.  The other night we sat down to dinner I looked at the table and said to myself, "wow, I can eat some corn"   I found myself eating corn, crackers, cheese and rounding it out with a few spoonfuls of cake icing from the fridge.  Yup.  Not exactly healthy!   This is happening to me more times than I can count.  I'm not eating healthy.  I don't have foods for me to eat when the options are not there.

I have a few solutions.  The first thing I'm doing.  I stocked up on fruits and veggies and I plan on eating healthy for my lunches this upcoming week.  Focus on that this week.  To make sure I have food, I picked up some boxes of mac-n-cheese and some frozen pizzas.  Not exactly healthy, but healthier than crackers and cake icing.


I am going to do this!   I have to!  I want to be thin!!!!!  I want to be healthy!