Hooooooo-leeeeeeee smokes, it was hot out there for my long run of the week. The canal was muddy as all get out too!!!
I woke up and immediately started stressing about the run. I typically run 2.5-3 miles at a pop. So pushing it up to 4 miles was a jump. I dreaded it and worried about it. Yes, I did. But I gritted my teeth and went out. (Later than normal simply because of my procrastination and worry). I doubted myself the whole run. Telling myself I couldn't make the whole thing. I did make it. I managed 4.12 miles. This week. I've only topped that one other time (effortlessly it seemed at the time too...hmm). So I am slowly pushing up my mileage. It was also muddy on the canal this morning! The last mile was brutally hot. I did it though. It was slow..but I did it!!!!!!
As for the rest of the day....my legs are SORE...all day they have been sore and just achy!
Eating today, I did eat a bit extra for lunch (my breakfast was light and we went to lunch shortly after my run was complete.....yeah, I ate Chinese....and I was hungry!) My weight was done again this morning though. So maybe...just maybe I have figured out a plan that will work for me ...right where I'm at in this journey! I even had a little tires after dinner (a kiddie size!!!)
I was answering an email to a friend the other day and the
words just poured forth and made me think.
Teaching in PG county was a horrid experience for me. It was the end of a dream for me. It was the beginning of a life of fear.
I went to PG county to accept a teaching position as a pretty confident gal. I wasn’t not worried about moving to a city
hours away from family where I had no friends.
I was not worried about starting a new job in a notoriously rough area
of the city. I was ready to face the
world head on with a spring in my step and a sparkle of confidence in my eyes. Things didn't go as I planned. My life long
dreams went up in flames. I ended up
leaving the teaching profession a broken and battered woman. Because I have vowed to be totally honest and
brutal, I will just say it…I left in a state of depression that was at the most
dangerous level. Yes, I seriously
contemplated and made the first feeble steps to kill myself to end the misery
of existence and my broken dreams. It
was ugly but I got out and the depression lifted and I was ok.
But was I really ok?
Where a fearless (relatively) girl once stood there now
stood a broken and fearful person. I was
afraid of my own shadow. What if
something went sour with what I was doing? What if I found myself in a situation like PG
County again? What if I failed at
whatever I wanted to try, just like I had failed in PG County? What if?
What if? What if?
I retreated. I
stopped dreaming because my dreams could lead to failure. I stepped back and allowed life to move on
without me. Oh, I’ve stayed up on
things. I’m not still living in the stone ages with dial up internet, no cell
phone and a black and white tv (ok ok ok, I haven’t seen a black and white tv
since the 70’s and I actually had a cell phone when I was in PG County….same
number I still have today actually….ha ha)
But I’ve stopped dreaming. I’ve
stopped pushing myself out of my comfort zone because of fear. I stopped doing things because of the what
ifs.
My life changed because of this fear. I stopped pushing myself to achieve dreams
and goals. I stopped striving to be the
best because the potential for failure was too great. I stopped trying and settled for second best.
In the last few years I’ve started to see these fears for
what they are. Irrational. I’ve started to try to push myself past the
comfort zone and face these fears head on. I’ve been successful. I have pushed myself past some of my
fears. Each and every time, they all
turned out to be irrational fears yet
they almost immobilized me.
Traveling by myself? How crazy was it to fear that? Yes, I almost got stuck in an airport and had
to do a mad dash that even the flight attendant said was a futile attempt. But if I hadn’t have made it what is the
worst that would have happened? I would
have called in to work the next day (since I obviously would have been not in
town to work) and I would have hopped the next available flight. It was a totally irrational fear. And you know what I learned that weekend? I LOVE traveling by myself.
Running. I can’t even
talk about how fearful I am with running.
I was petrified to run Paws on the Pavement the first time. I did it by myself and the fear was
intense! I had run a few 5k’s before;
but I had always run them in the company of a friend. This one was I was totally on my own and I
was afraid. Yet I pushed myself to do
it. There were parts I wasn’t fond of
(the boring wait between arrival and the start…that isn’t really fun by
yourself) but I did it and that run was my BEST EVER time for a 5k! I actually ran the most recent Donut Alley
Rally by myself (although my husband was in the crowd waiting for me, so I
wasn’t totally alone). It turned out to
be an irrational fear.
The other week it took everything I had to admit my love of
writing and my desire to actually do something with it. Fear, plain and simple. But I’m doing it
regardless. Because if I don’t I’ll always
wonder what if. (and I have already wasted years of not following the dream
because of fear!)
So I’ve been trying to push myself out of this fear. I want the confident girl back. I want the confident girl that headed out
into the unknown so many years ago to come back. I don’t like the life that this revised
version of MaryFran leads. Just
accepting what life doles out is no longer an option. I’m clawing my way back and pushing through
the fears.
That’s not to say that my mind is not still filled with
these what ifs. Oh, they are there. But
you know what? I’m going to face them
when they happen. I’m worried and
stressed and fearful about running this 10k.
(I’m SLOOOOOW…and my body is really feeling my current 3 miles). But you know what. What’s the worst that will happen? I have to stop? I get swept (I don’t even know if they sweep
the course at this run….but I’m thinking that at my current pace of 13.30…that
I should be ok)? I trip and hurt an
ankle? Oh well, it will be a good story
to tell at work the next week. The fear
is irrational.
(Ok today was slower than 13:30)
The Nike slogan makes so much sense to me now….. JUST DO
IT! No excuses, no fears…JUST DO IT!