Wash, Rinse, DO NOT REPEAT!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

There have been a few times in the last few days that I've told myself that I need to sit down and think about 2014 and 2015 and create goals and a plan.

However, I've just struggled with the concept.  Lets just say I don't want to think about 2014.  I didn't lose the weight I had planned on losing.  It was a bummer of a year emotionally.   Yeah, lets not repeat this one anytime soon (EVER).   

So what are my goals for 2015.  Well.....It's pretty easy to write....my goal is just to have a better year than 2014.  That simple.  I want happiness and weight loss. (yes, I  would very much like to be at my goal weight by the end of the year)  That is not too much to ask right?

So how will I be doing it?

1. I will be tracking my food again on myfitnesspal.  Religiously!  I know that if I'm tracking that I will be eating correctly. That's the way it usually works for me.  :)

2.  Running   I will be running. I'm scheduled to run that 10k at the end of March.  But I will be looking at my schedule once the changes go into affect at work (and thus I know what weekend I will be working.)   Consistency is the key for my running this year.

3.  Water Water Water  I need to be drinking it!   :-)

4.  As for happiness...let time heal....let it happen...and for goodness sake....just stay busy!

Pretty simple.  I'm not making any elaborate equations, (two pounds a week times 52 weeks divided by 3 weeks of vacation and multipled by 7 holidays and then subtracting my age and taking it to the fourth power for the four sick days i'm allotting myself).  I'm just going to commit myself to doing what is RIGHT and healthy!

Donut Miles

Christmas has come and gone. It's over.  Part of me is relieved.  Emotionally it was an interesting holiday as everything in my life is upside down and different.  However, other than some tears here and there it was a good one.  I know my trigger points that set me to crying and while I can't avoid them, I at least know it's gonna happen.  ha ha ha

On the evening of the 23rd, I ended up having dinner with my friend Paula and then she and I headed to Krumpe's Donuts to pick up a sweet treat.  I bought donuts for my family and also for my coworkers.  You see, we had to work on Christmas Eve and I thought donuts would be a nice treat.  So I picked up some yummy Krumpe's Donuts. (If your ever in Hagerstown, MD I would highly recommend getting some!!!)  

As Paula and I talked about our weight, dieting woes we somehow came up with a wild hair brained idea.  For every donut that each of us ate, we would run a mile as 'punishment' (ok or as just a challenge).   It sounded like a great plan that night while we were waiting in the line in the back alley donut shop!   It was brilliant plan!  Awesome in fact.  Until I got a text at about 40 minutes after Paula and I bade each other good night.  I was a picture text and it showed my co-conspirator eating a donut.  Where was her self control????? Mile one!   I laughed and went to bed.  Don't be thinking I was all that  noble.  The only reason I didn't eat a donut that night (hot and fresh from the donut shop...yum) was that I had been eating so badly that my stomach was hurting from being stuffed!!!    I woke up early to get ready to go to work.  I opened up the home box and pulled out a red velvet donut.  A picture was sent to Paula to commemorate mile two!  

And boy was that donut worth every step of a mile! Red Velvet cake donut.  Delish!    I got dressed and headed to work.  I had a momentary thought of actually not eating any more donuts.  Yes, I was going to cut myself off after one mile donut.  And then I remembered that my manager and I were in this donut thing together and that she was arriving with chocolate milk.  Of course I had to have a donut with my chocolate milk!!!   I chose a peanut butter donut.  Once again....sooo worth it.   Add another mile to the tally.  We are now up to 3 miles.    I got a text from Paula telling me that donut 4 was planned to serve as her lunch.   

I sooooo wanted to eat another donut.  There was another red velvet donut (which was the flavor of the month of December so it's not like I can go back and get another one in a month or two) that was calling my name.  I pondered.  Really?  I didn't want to be the one that pushed us over 4 miles.  If I knew that Paula was having a third donut, I would be more than happy to eat a third...but there was no way that I was going to push us into that realm.  I held firm and didn't have the donut!  

We sat at 4 donuts miles the rest of the day. I sent the leftover work donuts home with my manager for her daughters and went home.   It was difficult because there was still a red velvet donut in the box at home.  I have to admit, I opened that box more than once.  I plotted in my head over and over how I could eat that donut and NOT have to run the extra mile.  No solution came to mind so I didn't eat it.   Late that night, I received another picture via text.   Oh yes, she ate her third donut which was our donut mile number 5!   I was ready to cave.  On Christmas day I was ready to eat that last red velvet donut and whaddya know?   It was thrown away!  ha ha ha    

Paula and I went out yesterday to attend to our miles. The plan was to run the miles.  (or run/walk the miles. However, as sometimes happens, the running didn't happen.  It was one of those days where we needed the talk time and we kept saying we would run at the next 1/2 mile interval but when that came we would be in the middle of a deep conversation and we would push it off until the following 12 mile interval.  Over and over this happened.   I'm sad to say that we didn't RUN our donut miles...but we did however walk them.  (ok, we walked 4 of them......we ran out of time so we still owe that last mile!) 

I'm not exactly 100% on track with my eating.  But in the last two days I've been SOOOOO much better!  I'm not sick to my stomach and I am eating more fruits and veggies.  So progress!

I will leave you with my nephew and Mertz.  Not a bad picture for a cat that has for most of her life lived in seclusion,  Not by my choice...but by her choice.  She just preferred her own company!

The struggles are real

Wow  I've been telling myself to write a post.  But just never got around to it. So much to say.  I have to talk about eating, running, my emotions, my cats,a scheduled race and lets not forget the rogue squirrel!!! Where to begin. I guess I will break it down into sections for ease.

Weight:

I think that this picture sums it all up. 

Sadly, everyday is a constant battle trying to convince myself that I don't like cookies, cakes and donuts.   Sadly, everyday I am losing the battle.  Control over my eating is non existent.  I've eaten to the point of being sick.  Yeah, really.  It's not a good thing.  I hate myself for it...but regardless, I struggle and fail.  I keep telling myself 'no more'  but words and actions are NOT meeting to make any sense in my life.   

I am struggling with weighing myself.  I'm not able to find a constant place to put my scales.  So I have them sitting against the wall where I can move them to weigh myself when needed.  However, every time I sit them down they weigh me differently....2 seconds apart.  So I haven't even weighed myself.  I'm kinda leaning toward figuring out the weighing issue by the beginning of the new year and take a first weight of the year  and just go from there.

I haven't contemplated giving up again.  That was a short lived thought, thankfully.  I want this....badly.  I just have to figure out the link between want and do!

Moving on:

Exercise:

I have religiously attended zumba.  It has been my salvation as it's filled up three nights of my week.  More on why that is a salvation later.  It's also been probably the only thing that has kept me from gaining a TON of weight (although my clothes feel tight and I feel icky)

Running:

What's that?  Ok, so I was on top of it and actually ran whilst I was in Florida.  I got some pretty nasty blisters, but I still managed to put the miles on while on vacation.  That was dedication!   I got home, immediately replaced my running shoes (even though the blister inducing shoes were not that old) and promptly ran one more time.  (Let me remind you, I was in Florida in mid October.  Yes, two months ago)   This week I decided to break out those brand spankin' new running shoes (ok, almost new).  I went out on Thursday.  Oh. My. Word.   Was it brutal.   I kept it short at just about a mile and a half.  This morning I went out again and made it 3 miles....and it wasn't pretty.  Not. At. All  I'd like to say it was easier, but no, it was just as brutal as the first run.   Better luck tomorrow.   Why yes, I do mean tomorrow as it's another day and I won't improve without running consistently.  I have to get myself back into some kinda of halfway ok running shape.  I'm living in Hagerstown now.   I'm right across the street from my sister in law who runs.  I am right next to my aunt, who has run.  I'm a mile or two from Paula my running bud.  (Sneaky girl that Paula is, she ran down the street the other day and didn't stop.  She said she had to see my brothers scrapwood tree in person!)   So I have easy access to running partners.  But well, my flailing around that I'm calling running at this point is NOT something I need to share with them. (Although they may need a laugh!)  So I have to get into running shape.

Scrapwood Christmas Tree?    

It actually looks cool here but is just absolutely wicked neat at night all light up!  He has pics of it lit up on his facebook page  and possibly on his website. (seriously, it's Sunday morning do you really expect me to go look?

Cooper River Bridge Run:

A few months back, my friend Sue put a post up on facebook.  It said something like this.  "I want to run the Cooper River Bridge Run  who wants to do it with me."   I immediately responded and said "I'm in."    A few minutes later I followed it up with a second comment saying "Where, when and by the way, how long of a run did I just commit myself to"   Yes, she got a laugh because only I would commit to a run without knowing how long I was going to be running.  ha ha ha  Typical, I guess.   So the nitty gritty, now that I have actually registered for it.  It's the last weekend of March.  Apparently it's a rather large run, capped at 40,000 participants.  It's in Charleston, SC.   It's a 10k.  Piece of cake (well, wait, I haven't been running and I'm struggling with just a few short miles!), I've done that distance before.  I've got this (as long as I run in the next few months).  So I am registered for this run.  I'm planning on driving down on Thursday (at least part of the way...it's about 9-10  hours).  Enjoying the area and the race expo on Friday.  The run is on Saturday.  We are planning to do the taste of the run after the race and more of the city.  Sunday I will spend the morning there and then drive home.  Back to work on Monday.  Flying trip, but sounds fun.  (I have to make sure Sue found the hotel rooms).    So running is IMPORTANT in the next few months!  (Especially since I do expect to lose some training days due to inclement weather!)

The Rogue Squirrel: 

I was out running this morning and happened to see a black squirrel.  Now they are not all that common around here (I think..I"m not up on my squirrel-ology so I can't be too positive).  I watched the squirrel and that squirrel watched me and then ran up a tree that overhung the sidewalk upon which I was running.  It stopped about eye level and sat there as I approached.  And I knew that this squirrel was an angry squirrel (probably from being a minority squirrel) and that it had reached it's limit and it was going to go crazy on me.   It would probably leap from that tree and land on my head.  Don't laugh.  It could happen!  I sped up as I approached, maybe if I was really fast and did a little bob and weave the squirrel would miss me when he came flying through the air toward my face!   Ok honestly, I was telling myself to calm down that squirrel attacks are NOT on the rise and that this fear was all in my head.   I faced my fears and ran right under that little black demon!   I could hear him scratching and scampering around above my head (even through the music pumping through my headphones).  I jumped a mile and picked up the pace and swore that I would never trust a black squirrel again!    

There may or may not have been some birds that freaked me out on my run too!   I'm not admitting anything, but it was a scary run!

Settling in:

The cats are doing good in our new digs (the basement of my parents home).  They love to go up and explore the main house (if only my parents cat wasn't so freaked out by my little angels!).   

Mertz has gone from a bit of a loner cat to a cat that while maybe not a total lap cat, but at least a more sociable cat.  She however is a traitor.  Many times she won't come out when I get home.  However, as soon as my niece and nephews arrive that cat is out!   Traitor!!!   OK, I'm actually happy to see her love them!    And they do come visit the cats while I'm at work and for that I'm utterly grateful!                 Here is Mertz laying beside the scratching post, so proud of herself because the scratching post was only a few hours old and she had already ripped the red ball from the post.  And we won't even talk about the RED drink that Mertz just knocked over onto her grandma's cream colored carpet.  Oops (I think I got it squared way)

Ethel is being Ethel.  She plays and is extremely talkative, but still sleeps a lot. (she is 14 afterall) 

 Lucy is my worry.   Just a few days after moving I noticed a large lump on the side of her face.  I took her to the vet and we did a biopsy.  The results came back with more cancer.   They also said that the cancer that was removed last year has a very low prognosis (as in she is lucky that she made it more than a year).  Because of her history and her age, surgery to remove the cancer is not really an option.  I am giving her a steroid to try to slow down the speed at which this tumor is growing.  Where it is at, it will probably at some point begin to affect her ability to eat and drink.  So I know that I am nearing the end of my time with my baby girl.  She is deaf now and 17 years old and lived a good life, so I feel selfish for crying over her (and yes, she has been my baby since she was a wee little kitten).   But she is my baby.   I've already given up so much in the last few months that I don't want to lose my eldest cat too and it breaks my heart.

Lucy is the calico on the left and Ethel is the cat on the right.  They love each other and I worry about Ethel when she loses her big sister and closest companion.    Meanwhile, they rule they roost (Lucy especially) and even when I want to wrap up in my soft red blanket, if the cats are using it I find something else or shiver  The same goes for the chair.  The other night when my niece and nephews were here I sat on the floor rather that interrupt their sleep (healing sleep maybe???  ok, that's wishful thinking) 

Emotions and the divorce thing: 

This is hard.  So very hard.  I have not once questioned or second guessed my decision.  I know that I made the right decision.  My soon to be ex's actions and apparent lack of emotions about it all reinforce it.  Maybe I should be happy that he has painted the house since I left, and cleaned the siding, and added carpet over/replacing the carpet that his old cat ruined years ago before she died. And who knows what else.  I want him to move on, but he seems to be doing it without a backward glance and that hurts a bit.  So it's a half glad half upset thing)

So why is it hard?  

I'm changing everything about my life.  My life has changed almost totally and it's left me sitting in a weird position of being a bit lost.

 It's a LOT of alone time. The loneliness is KILLING ME!!!  At least when I was with him, I had hope of having some conversation.  I had hope of some companionship whenever he decided to engage in the relationship.  We actually did have fun at times......even up to the end.  Now I'm just looking at a blank horizon.  My family has been wonderful as have some local friends.  Zumba filled up three nights each week.  We are in a hiatus now and Zumba won't restart until January 12th.....gotta figure out how to fill those evenings!

I've thought some about the dating websites.  I have a handful of friends and acquaintances  that have been through this and overwhelmingly they have all told me to get back out there and date.  I've heard reasons that vary but they all do make sense.  They say do it to reaffirm that my husband was wrong and that I'm worth a guy being interested.  They also say if nothing else it's good for a laugh if you just get duds.  But the main thing, it will help fill the time and ease the utter loneliness  

I think that about sums it up. 

,.l;/

And then.....

Lets get the divorce/separation stuff over first since it really does affect my quest for health.   I'm settling in and getting used to living with my parents.  It's going to be an adjustment for everyone.  I am plagued by tears.  I am utterly thankful and grateful for parents that have opened their house to me (and my brother and his wife that also have told me many times that I'm welcome there).   However, part of me misses my husband and the life we did have together.  Yes, it may have been crappy, but we did have good times.  It is also what I've known for the last so many years.  I also still feel like an utter failure. Nothing I've done in life has turned out decently it feels.  And here I am 41 years old and I'm living with my parents again.  (We won't even talk about the fact that I will have to up that to 42 very soon.)  I just feel like a big fat failure.  

Fat....oh yes, now we get to the weight loss stuff.    Why am I even trying to lose weight?   I admittedly lost weight the first time in an effort to make my husband desire/want/love me in the way that I need to be loved.  Yeah yeah yeah, don't be a hater.  I know that was a totally stupid reason.....and that the weight wasn't the issue between us.   But our minds play stupid tricks on us and make us believe all sorts of things.  And just for the record, I may or may not have grasped at other crazy ideas to try to save the relationship.  I will neither confirm nor deny!!!! (ha)   So today I was sitting at work and thinking about this weight loss thing.  I was thinking about the weight and I decided that I could totally accept myself as a fat woman.  What would I do different?  I would start buying clothes in my size versus trying to make do with what I have because I don't want to waste my money on this size.  Basically I would accept myself as exactly what I am....an overweight woman.  No more stressing about eating a piece of cake.  No more thinking about how that straight up butter (my  mother wouldn't be caught dead with anything other than full fledged butter in this house) is so choke full of calories and fat.   No more obsessing and thinking about what I'm eating versus the calories I'm expending.  Just accept it as the way I am, pleasingly plump.

I literally nodded my head when I reached that decision.  I was ok with it.  I'm me no matter what size I am. (Well, I guess I'm me....I don't really know who I am anymore....but maybe I can figure that out sooner or later.)

And then......

Thoughts started floating through my head at warp speed.

Wow, my knees have been hurting a lot lately.  They didn't hurt when I had lost the weight.  If I don't try to lose weight I'm consigning myself to knee pain for evermore.

Its a heck of a lot more fun shopping for clothes. The buyers for fat women's stores and departments are obviously retarded (so sorry that is not politically correct but heck this is MY blog so if I say they are retarded, they are!) and can't buy anything that is even somewhat trendy and fashionable...and seriously, lay off the polyester!  So shopping ... yeah, I'd have to give that up....

Running.  Zumba.  I kinda like these things.  Hmmm.  I guess I could just be a fat girl running and zumba'ing.    I do those things better when I'm at a lower weight though.

Oh heck, I just had more energy when I was thin.

So guess what, I guess I'm not quitting.  I guess I will continue.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to get back into the habit of tracking.  It's difficult.....but I need to do it.  I've been off he rails lately.   I'm having some difficulty reigning it in.  It's more difficult than I imagined it would be.

I have gone to zumba three nights this week.  (ok, two nights but I'm heading to night three in just a few hours).  I hope to recommence with running here soon (dang knees) and well....I'm just going to have to focus.....somehow.  (and then I went and ate two oreos.....really???)

The next stage has begun

Well, I am officially moved.  The next step in my personal journey has begun.  I'm honestly scared senseless.  I'm uprooting my life and changing so much.  My plan is to start focusing on my weight again now that life should be settling into a more 'normal'.    It will be a rough transition as my parents don't eat exactly healthy and on top of that my mother bakes.....a LOT.  (Ok so she sells a lot of what she makes, but it is still in the house for me to have to resist).   In essence, I am starting a new life and I want to make it a life of health.

Running.   On Thanksgiving I was registered to run the local Turkey Trot.  I passed on it.  My heart said to save my energy for my move.  Yes, I completed my move on Thanksgiving day. (I still have some stuff to grab to go into storage....and my piano, but for the most part I am moved.)   I do not regret my decision at all.  However, I do feel bad that I missed my running buddy, Paula's wonderful run, where she set a personal record!!!  Go Paula!  

I had grand plans to start running this weekend.  I am delaying that a bit though.  You see, the move has been rough on my body.  My back is so tender and 'sore' from moving (I guess).  My right knee, the most arthritic ridden knee is really giving me some grief.  (Steps are rough on bad knees and all of my storage stuff went into a second story storage place and I moved into a basement....so steps all around!)    Maybe tomorrow I will run!  I at least know with the knee that I'm not doing any more damage to it...  :-)

So I'm still here.  I'm still emotional.  I have not wavered on my feelings about what needs to be done in terms of my marriage, but it is so difficult to face the 'failure' of my marriage.  It is also incredibly difficult to stop 'worrying' about my husband.  I have spent the last 16 years since we have been together taking care of him...it's just part of who I've become and it's difficult to stop those tendencies.  So I found myself finding something online that he needed to see and I had to fight the urge to text him to take care of it for him.  He's a big boy and he needs to stand on his own two feet.

Meanwhile, my cats are doing very well.





Lucy, my old girl (she is my calico and is my 17 year old cancer survivor) immediately left her cage when I arrived, walked around and found a safe corner and she promptly fell asleep!   She is sleeping and has discovered that she loves sleeping on an afghan of my mothers (my mom was going to take it upstairs, but I think it's staying down here now) that is sitting on the ottoman.




Ethel spent some time sleeping the first day.  She is 14 years old and like Lucy has been through some moves before so she handled it with grace and style....ok she slept the first day away too.  But now she is up around and investigating everything and meowing at the door to get to the main part of the house (until my girls are acclimated with my parents cat, there will have to be a separation of cats).   She woke me up in the middle of the night a few times last night to meow and 'talk to me' loudly.  When I tried to go back to sleep she would paw my face to get my attention.  She had a lot to say!

Mertz is the amazing transformation.  The first day my skittish little girl (she's 5 years old) went off into the laundry room and hid.  I saw her once as she ventured out, covered with cobwebs.  I petted her and she ran back to her hidey hole.  That was ok .  That is what she needed to do for her personal adjustment, she was safe and that's all I cared about.  However, when she was ready to venture out, my lone ranger cat who is anything BUT a lap cat....a cat that prefers to be alone and not lay with you or be petted has been by my side constantly.  She has laid with me, slept with me and if I try to pet Lucy or Ethel she gallops over in order to get some of the attention.   Night and day different!!!!  It's the most amazing thing to see!  Luckily for me, (and my niece and nephews who want to see her play) she is still playing the piano!  She has serenaded my parents and myself many times!

So my small 'family' is adjusting.  Lets see where this new life takes us.  Thinner and healthier if I have anything to say about it!

Limbo....but not the flexible game!! Post from 11-12

I was gung ho to start that challenge.  It was so simple.  It was so spot on.  It was something that even in my messed up life/world that I felt that I could manage.  And then I read the 'update' to the challenge.  Basically the organizer decided to add a bit to the challenge.   Now don't get me wrong.  I actually LOVE the things that they added.  I think all of the points are awesome.   But right now in my life it adds too many layers and complicates things too much.  I need simple right now.  I can't worry about all of the things to challenge myself with .  Yes, I know I could still the simple things, but I know me.  I would feel like a failure for not doing those things that I ignore.  It's not worth it to me.  So I remain challenge-less.

I have hit up zumba each night this week.  I have also run twice within the last couple days.   My eating....lets not talk about that.  However, I will say this......I do know that I have to dial that in!!!!!!

The last two days have been reality let tearless so hopefully things are shifting.  :-).  I just want this 'being in limbo' to end....and get on with my life.....reinvent myself.   Figure out who I am and what I want.  I need to find me again.  (Oh heavens help us because the real me may be a fruit loop of a nut case!!!!)   Either way I am chomping at the bit to get past this stage.   

Packing

I'm still around.   I'm not putting any effort into my weight loss at this point.   I've got so much going on that I feel as if my head may explode.

Packing, packing and more packing.  How can one person have this much stuff??? Really, I'm not joking!  It's heart wrenching packing.  It's decision laden packing.  I have to decide who 'owns' each and every item I pick up.  Is it mine or his.  If it is ours who gets to keep it.    If it is an item deemed as mine I then have to decide where it goes....storage or into the limited space that I will be calling 'mine' for the future.   It's a horrible process.   Seriously what do you do with this???

Why yes that's my wedding cake top.  

What about this???

My wedding bouquet?

Or better yet...

Every rose he ever gave me was dried and saved.  Yes I'm a sentimental fool!!!

I chucked the flowers (he pulled them out of the trash and put them in the compost pile...whatever.).  The bouquet and cake topper I threw in with his stuff.  Let him deal with that!!!   Ok that is probably mean, but I didn't want to deal with it.

So my house is stacks of boxes that I am continually moving to strafe...bringing in empty and filling them and moving them.

Last week I hit up Zumba three times...and ran twice.   So I'm not totally off the rails.

However I'm at the top end of that 5 pound weight fluctuation.  Grrrrrr

New toys

OI didn't want to, but I got myself up and out of the bed this morning.  Why?   I wanted to get out and run.  I contemplated. I seriously contemplated because I am going to zumba tonight.  So a run is a double dip into the exercise arena.  But you know what.  An extra bout of exercise is not going to kill me.  

I ran for the second time with my new headphones.  What can I say....LOVE LOVE LOVE them.  Why in the world did I drag my feet for so long before going with wireless headphones?   Liberating freedom.  No wires snaked through my clothes.  No wires flapping in the wind.   Nothing.  Freedom!   And even better?   I have long had a hate relationship with ear buds.  They just do not work well with my ear.   They just don't stay in my ears.  (Maybe I've got big ears....or maybe small ears....I don't know but they do NOT work for me).  I have compensated for this by buying buds that have an arm that loops around my ear.  You can see the ear piece hanging down in this picture. 

 But when it boils down, it is STILL an ear bud that doesn't fit in my ear.    The little arm loopy thing that goes over my ear helps but it is still a struggle.  Seriously.  When pictures are taken of me at races or whatnot, I usually have at least one picture that has me adjusting my headphone earpiece.  See......

These new headphones stay firm and snug on my head!   No earpiece to fuss with.  I have been able to run a few miles each time I've used them and I haven't had to adjust them AT ALL!   YAY!!!!  Well worth the money!!!!!

I also purchased a new heart rate monitor.  I went with a blue tooth monitor that I could link up with various apps on my phone.  Thus far I have only used the actual polar app.  My next step is to play with it within the mapmyfitness app (which is what I typically use) and the strava app (which I've heard is a superior app....so I want to play around with it).  This isn't as fun of a new purchase, but it gives me valuable feedback (I know that this morning I could have pushed it a bit harder just based upon my heart rate.)

I am holding on....by the tips of my fingers.  I am trying to get myself packed up.  Much of my stuff is going into storage, that is what I'm focusing on at this time.  Packing up that stuff.  My emotions are still fluctuating like mad. Some days are better than others.   Today, for example I didn't cry my whole run...that's an improvement right?    I just want this to be over and to be happy, if happiness is even an option in life for me.

Focus forward

I was perusing blog posts today and stumbled across some talk of a 50 day challenge.  Now let me be honest. I've joined some challenges and they have been awesome, but more often than not the challenges turn into a eat this food product, follow this diet plan or buy this exercise program and commit to it for the set time.  I don't want that.  I'm not saying that the said methods don't work.....for that person.  However, the same thing doesn't work for everyone and it may work for the first half of a challenge and then need adjusting.  So I prefer a little more 'leeway'.   So it was with some skepticm that I began to read about this challenge.  The first item up for conversation was water consumption.  Hmmm, I do try to drink a fair amount of water.   I read onward.  Wow, they weren't even saying to cut out other forms of drinks.  The focus is just to drink water.  If you get your water in and continue to drink other stuff....great.  I can do that!

I read on.  The next thing was to eat thoughtfully.  Well yeah, that's important too!  And simple!   I can do this one!  Next up was to chose your holiday celebrations.  Once again not saying you can't celebrate just saying chose your celebrations carefully.  Hmmmm

Item number 4 was to move regularly.  200 minutes a week....really?  I already do 180 minutes just with my 3 zumba classes.  Easy peasy!

The last challenge item was to track and reflect daily!   Ok, so I haven't been tracking lately, but you know what?  I'm ok with doing it again.  Might be good for me.

 I'm in!   This is a basic plan that focuses on healthy HABITS and not the actual method of completing those habits.   

I'm in a stage of my life where things are going to be changing at a rapid pace.  I'll be moving.  I am saying goodbye to a life and lifestyle that have become comfortable (maybe not what I want...but comfortable).   I am saying goodbye to a man that I do love, but that I know is not what I need.   I need to have that daily reminder and challenge to help me set up my 'new life' with these habits first and foremost.    And well....yes, I'm going to be turning 42 right about the time that I move back into my parents house.  (yes, I'm moving in with my mommy and daddy.....but it's the best move for me as I can recoup emotionally and yes financially).  The problem with moving in with my parents?    My mom bakes CONSTANTLY.  True, she sells most of her product at a local farmers market but there are always delicious baked goods in the house.   But I will navigate that landmine and in doing it I will become stronger in this journey of weight loss.

There are good factors about moving in with my parents, beyond the obvious.  And the plethera of baked good is NOT a positive, as much as my mind and taste buds say it is positive.  My friend Paula is super excited because I will be living within a mile or two of her and that means it will be SOOO much easier to run together. (we are about 30 minutes apart now).  My sister in law has asked me (before any of this started to go down) to join a fitness center with her.  Yeah, I probably will. My sister in law (who incidentally lives across the street from my parents) also runs.  My aunt (who lives next door) has run also (don't know if she is right now due to a knee injury).   So I will have an outlet and support.   (which is good because darn if cakes and pastries are not my downfall!).  And well, I'm going to be in the finished basement with my kitty cats so I will once again have STEPS!  (Yesterday's post explains it all)

I can navigate these changes.  I can, I have to.

No longer hiding

This is probably the hardest blog post I have ever had to write.  Brutal actually.  And really what does it have to do with weight loss?   Nothing.   Everything.

I've alluded to the fact that I'm utterly sad and depressed.   I've not really come out and said what's going on but suffice it to say it's been no fun.   So it is with a heavy, heartbroken heart that I write that my marriage is over.  Oh it's not over on paper and on a technical viewpoint, we've got a ways to go until everything is finalized, signed sealed and delivered.  But it's 'over'.  

I have no interest in rehashing the details of what brought about the demise of my marriage.  This is not the time or place for that.  

I have struggled greatly over this upcoming 'event'.  I grew up in an environment where Divorce was a bad bad word. It was ingrained in my mind that divorce was a bad thing and looked down upon.  I resisted this for so long.  If I pray for my marriage it will work, right?  Nope.   That didn't work....nothing I tried worked. (and I tried and tried and tried)  So I will join the ranks of people that have a 'failed marriage' in the life.  Great, another failure! Just what I wanted, as if I haven't failed in enough of my ventures.

I am petrified.  I am scared.   I am heartbroken.

I know that these issues have held me back in my weight loss efforts the last year. The stress alone probably is enough to drop me in my tracks and keep me from success.  Beyond that,  I haven't been able to focus on anything other than these issues and how I'm feeling.   I hope that as these issues are eradicated from my life that the weight drops.  I sure hope so!

So I end this post hopeful for the future.

Down but not out!

I'm still here.   I haven't fallen off the ends of the earth or anything drastic like that.    I can honestly say that I haven't even gone off the rails in terms of my eating.   My weight is holding at that  lower post Florida weight. So for that I'm happy.   However I'm not really doing anything to keep it there.   My emotions are doing that for me.   I'm utterly void of any desire to eat. Yes, Yes, I know.  For me that is a rare occurrence.   And yes, I'm aware that this is not the way to drop weight.  And I'm not dropping weight like mad or anything.  I'm one pound down in the last week. 

Running.   What's that???    That is correct, I haven't run since I was in Florida.  I bought new running shoes though?  Does that count???

Zumba was a no go this week (instructor traveling and she couldn't find a sub). So why yes, I've been a total sluggard!!!  

So this is just basically a check in post to let my blog friends know that I'm alive.  Hopefully things will change and I can again refocus on my health very soon.  In the meantime....I'm here and I may be down, but I'm not out!!!

Fly away

Yeah yeah yeah, it's been a bit since I posted.  I have a good excuse.  Really!  I do!  Toward the end of last week I started trying to get everything squared away for a week off of work.  Yes, you read that right!  A week of freedom!   How awesome is that????

What were my plans?   I did the necessary stuff on Friday after work, hung out with a friend on Saturday and finished up what needed to be done on Saturday night.   Sunday morning I was up bright and early and ready to head out the door.  My brother picked me up at around 8AM and drove me to the airport. By lunchtime I was in the air and heading for Florida.  It was a quick trip.  Flying down on Sunday and flying back super early on Thursday morning.  I realized when I arrived that it was 24 years since I was last in Florida.  Wow....how crazy to realize it was that long.   But weirdly enough when I looked out of the window of the plane and saw the terrain of Florida, I instantaneously felt a sense of 'home'.  It was odd.    The trip was relaxing and an awesome step away from 'life' for me.  Food.  Sunday we hit up a Mexican Restaurant and I had a chicken taco salad.  There may or may not have been some queso involved in that meal too. (I'll never tell...but it sure was tasty!) We had not had lunch so at midnight we were hungry and we hit up a McDonald's for a midnight snack.  (no not healthy)

I took along my running clothes and I actually headed out for my scheduled run on Monday morning.  Ahhh it was gorgeous!   I was only scheduled for a 3 mile run but I decided to do the longer trail which turned out to be about four and a half miles.    My foot rubbed a bit on the run but nothing worrisome.   Or so I thought!   And because I'm a foodie I will share that I had a danish for breakfast. For lunch I had a buffalo Chicken Sandwich and french fries.  For dinner we had Italian.  I ordered ravioli with a tomato sauce, a salad and of course bread.    

Tuesday dawned and I decided to skip breakfast to run on an empty stomach.  I typically run on an empty stomach so this was not at all an issue.  It was actually wise as I had an interval run on the schedule.  Why yes, I ran intervals while on vacation in Florida.   I ran a pretty dang fast mile (for me) too considering the humidity was really killing me on this run.   But the worse part of this run?   That little 'rub' from the run the day before?   Yeah, it turned into huge blisters and by the time I got back to the hotel (the big building in the distance....I was on my way back when I took this picture) one of the blisters had actually already popped.  Uhhh yeah, OUCH.   Good thing I was in Florida and had flip flops to wear!  Have I mentioned that these are running shoes I've  been using...shoes that really only have maybe 75 miles on them....(the exact number escapes me at the moment and I'm too lazy to go look the number up).     Tuesday's food was another buffalo chicken sandwich and french fries (why yes, I do like french fries and why yes I did indulge a few times whilst away).  For dinner we headed out for Mexican food again.   No queso this time, but of course chips and salsa and I ordered the most delicious quesadillas!   SOOO tasty!

Wednesday. No run scheduled for me.  Honestly, even if I had a run scheduled I would have passed due to my blistered heels.  Curious about the food?  Brunch of Apple Cinnamon flapjacks and a dinner of Italian (yeah, we like what we like) where I had ravioli again...this time in a pesto sauce.  Must you ask if I had bread?   Of course!

All in all it was a good trip.  I had time to hang out and visit with a friend.  I had time to sit back and read.  I had time to relax and watch tv with out the usual feeling of needing to do something (which permeates my relaxation time at home).  I did spend time outside reading on more than one occasion, just enjoying the wonderful weather.  The picture of the water fall was taken while I sat outside reading one day. (Ok ok ok, so what if I was reading, drinking a bottle of water and eating Reece's Pieces??)   We may or may not have also managed to eat a few Ghirardelli chocolate bars. I will neither confirm nor deny.  

On Thursday morning I awoke early and flew home to spend the day with Todd.  It was his birthday so he had the option for our day of entertainment and food.   He chose a really relaxed day.  After picking me up at the airport, we drove toward home and we walked through a mall and then walked around downtown Frederick where we ended up eating at Brewers Alley.  I had the macaroni and cheese.  Tasty!  :-)

It was a bit of a let down to come home.  I was so relaxed and so happy while away.  I could feel the sense of depression that has permeated my world of late settle on me almost as soon as I got into the car at the airport upon my arrival home.   It has made my mind circle as I have settled back into home life.

Today was my first full day home and I was productive.  I have done laundry, mowed the yard, and painted my kitchen cabinets.  (I had settled for painting the old cabinets white a few years back to save money when we were moving in......ughhhh.....the white was looking dingy and icky....time to repaint....and I'm toying with pinstriping the cabinet where there is a groove that was routered out....red of course) I also took the time to go out and look for a new pair of running shoes.  I bought a new pair....lets see how they work!!!  I plan on putting them to good use tomorrow! (famous last words).  Todd and I also got in a bit of a walk on the canal.  I love love love fall! (and fall is the reason that I missed living in the north when I lived in Florida all those many years ago)

While I was in Florida we spent a bit of time browsing/shopping.  I pulled the trigger on two purchases that I have been planning on making.  I bought new headphones...blue tooth so that I don't have to deal with the annoying wires when I run.  I also bought a blue tooth heart rate monitor. (the one I have croaked a while back).  

So anyway it was with fear and trepidation that I stepped onto the scales this morning.  Now I know that my eating was off yesterday (I didn't eat dinner because I just wasn't hungry and I drank next to nothing and what I did drink was diet soda...so one thing would drive my weight down and he other would drive my weight up).  I about choked on my own spit when I saw the number on the scale.  228.8.  What?????  I've been struggling with my weight and I've been stuck in the 5 pounds of hell scale vortex for the last 10 months, I go to Florida and eat food that is not at all healthy and I lose 3.5 pounds?   Really?????    We shall see what tomorrow brings on the scales.  I know that this morning my weigh in could very well have been a aberration due to circumstances (lack of dinner and lack of water).  But regardless, seeing something outside of that 5 pound range was a REALLY good thing!!!!  (and it made me chose wisely at dinner tonight!)

Torture!!!!!!

So I've been MIA a bit.   Last week was incredibly difficult for me emotionally.  My emotions were a total roller coaster.  I know I usually get that way (just want to cry...). if I'm tired (not the case last week) and on maybe one night a month in my cycle.  (Which was on target last week). But seriously?  A whole week????  Some of the emotions were serious. But there were stupid tears.  We pulled into the driveway one morning and I saw a woodpecker.  One that I've only seen once in our yard....and I've laid out there trying to capture this particular woodpecker on my camera a bunch of times.   I catch woodpeckers but not this type of woodpecker.   So what did I do when I saw it in my yard last week???  I cried because I didn't have my camera.  Hahaha. Silly, I know!  Either way, emotions galore.  What's up with that?  It better not be the new norm!!  

So I'm doing much better this week.  (Thank goodness!).   I am holding steady on the scales. That's a good thing, but I know I need to shake it up to get the weight to start dropping!  Dare I say that may mean I go back to tracking?  I've enjoyed the stress free weeks of not tracking.  But I want this excess weight gone...

I have set up my next training plan for running...focusing on speed.  I have a goal.  My personal PR for a 5k times tun is 38:20.  I want to set a new PR.  I'd like to knock off 3:20.....i want to be under 35:00!!!!   There I've said it!   I've announced to the world my goal.  (And yes I'm gunning for a sub 30 5k at some point in my future.).  So my training schedule has basic runs...longer runs and it has runs of torture....fartleks and hill repeats.  bring it on!

Zumba is going well.  This week has really kicked my tail end.  I am usually tired and can feel that tiredness in my body, but very rarely am I sore.  Holy cow this week is kicking my hiney!!!   My abs are screaming at me!!!!  Even laughing hurts!  Hahaha.  (Ouch!).  But I'll be back for another round this evening!

Monday I set out for a run.  Only 2.5 to 3 miles...but intervals the whole time.  Todd and I had eaten lunch and had a dessert of chocolate chip peanut butter bars.  I waited two hours before I went out running.   I made it a mile  before I started to feel it.  What is it?   Before that chocolate chip peanut butter bar began making its presence known.   I kept running...and I made it about 1 3/4 miles before I gave up and walked the rest of the way back to the car.   I have no desire for that dessert any time soon!!!

Lessons and reinforcement

This past weekend I had to confront my slow running pace.  I know I'm slow as a turtle in peanut butter.  I accept that.  However I obsess about it!   I worry about it and I downplay my running because of it.   

This past weekend I had to confront the very real possibility that out of the 68 participants in this small 10k that I could very well be last.  I won't lie.  Part of me wanted to walk away and not even try.   I didn't!   I decided to run this and if I came in last across that line I would cross it victorius!!!     Victorious in the fact that this former 315 pound girl could actually run (jog?) for 6.2 continuous miles!  I'm doing it and not many people can!!!

I faced my fear and I won!    

And then on Monday I got another reaffirmation.   Early this year I decided to participate in a running challenge.  I agreed and committed to run a virtual 5k each month.  The organizer has drawings each month from finishers.  I didn't do it for that though.  I did it for the challenge!   There was one month where I had to sit back and walk my 5k.  I felt like a loser.  I had wanted to run it and it just wasn't happening.   I have run every other month though.  Ironically enough the month that I walked it...my slowest 5k of this challenge I won the drawing.   I even made a comment to the organizer about how I felt guilty because I didn't even run it.  She immediately wrote back that it didn't matter how fast or how slow I did it in, I DID it.   She and I talked a bit about my prize...a hand painted mini canvas.  I got to chose the subject.  I saw it on fb while she was working on it, But it didn't arrive until yesterday.  How perfect after my struggle this past weekend.   Thank you!!!!   I'm on my phone writing this so I can't post an actual link to her page but here is her address!!!   http://thefitadventure.blogspot.com

This painting will be my reminder that as long as I'm doing my best I am a winner.

And of course a picture of my painting!!!  I put a grape beside them to show  how adorably tiny this is...and so you can appreciate the details in the painting!!   

Thank you Kyra for hosting this challenge and for having a part of my awakening!!!  :-)

I forgot to announce my progress.   I had vowed to lose 10 pounds before my 10k (5 weeks).    I lost 5 pounds.   Not what I vowed but victorious none-the-less!!!

I am still consumed with thoughts about stuff that's happening in my life.   I know that I have some major decisions to make in my life.  I know it.   I know that I have to make changes.  I'm just waiting for some kind of divine intervention (hahahaha) to direct me upon the path I need to take.  I pray for courage, knowledge and direction to make a course correction in my life. 

And I will leave you with a picture of Paula and I running on Sunday.  Maybe it was the lucky green underwear she was wearing that got us through this race in fine form!!!  She's smiling I look utterly focused and intense!!!!  (Green underwear I tell ya!!).  This was at about mile 4.5 in the run.  And yes, my legs do look fantastic if I do say so myself!!!

Leesburg 10K

This was my big weekend. Why yes, it was the weekend that I had my 10k.  My longest run to date and the longest (by double) race I've ever run in.  I had been absolutely religious about my training.  Until a week ago that is.  And then I fell off the rails.  I only ran once in the last week and a half.  It was a four miler, but only once.  Uhhhhhh....why does this seem to happen to me each time.

I was nervous about certain things.  I am always afraid that I'm going to be last across the finish line.  Huge fear of mine. (stupid I'm sure)   But regardless I packed for my short trip with my friend Paula and we headed out yesterday at about noon.   We made the trip to Leesburg, VA in fine time.  The first stop was the store where they were holding packet pick up.  We picked up our bags and perused the store.  Stop one complete we headed to the outlets in Leesburg.  A few hours of shopping later. (I bought new lids for some of my damaged and old Pyrex storage containers.....and otherwise I was a window shopper).  We did find a perfect bag.....we didn't buy just posed for a picture with it.

 We hit up a local park for a nice little walk.  We lounged a bit in our hotel and we had dinner.  Let e add that I had breakfast and a diet coke with breakfast and we had dinner really late at about 8:30 and I had a diet soda with dinner.  Dinner I was so hungry that when I started to eat I gobbled my food and my stomach started to hurt so I only ate half my meal.  That was ALL I ate and drank the whole day on Saturday.  Yes, I know....not exactly the healthiest and wisest food and drinking choices.

Sunday morning we were up bright and early.  It was COLD outside.  Brrrr.   We got ready to roll.   I typically run on an empty stomach (ha ha ha...once again probably not the wisest but hey, it's what has worked for me).   So we headed out. 

The run was VERY small.  Only about 50 people or so.   I decided to not worry about being the last person.  Who else can say that they once weighed over 300 pounds and are now running a 10K???   And doing it on arthritic knees and a few other feet issues???  

 We started to run and I kept my pace steady.   I have been consistently running a 13:00 to a 13:40 mile pace. I knew if I stayed at that (slow) that I could finish it no problem.   I ran where I felt comfortable...or rather edgy comfortable.  It went well.  It was an out and back route, so at the turn around I grabbed a water and walked for maybe a minute and then picked back up running.  (my stats showed that I lost about a minute on that mile from what I was running so that's why I assume I walked about a minute.)  I was fine...getting tired but fine.  (And admittedly I saw I wasn't last....and I even passed a few people on the return trip! My fear of being last vanished and by that time I had decided I DIDN'T CARE Anyway!)   And then about midway through mile six I began to struggle.  Oh yes, I struggled.  I started to get physically ill.  My stomach and head started to hurt.  My legs felt like they were so heavy that I couldn't even pull them up to walk.  It was BAD.  At about mile 5.70 I waved Paula on (so as to not ruin her run) and I began to walk.   

And then a lady, a skirt wearing lady came up beside me...literally less then 10 paces after I started walking and she looked at me and said "You've got this, the finish line is just ahead."    She ran on and before she was even 3 feet in front of me I knew that she was right.  I felt like dog doo but I knew that I could do it.   I started running.  I stayed on her tail the rest of the way in.  

I can't find the official times posted yet..it was not a chipped run (go figure....it was a small small run...maybe 50 people doing the 10k...if that).  Luckily since Paula had gone on ahead she was able to grab a pic. Yes, that is me in the glaring sun but I have my time!  Slow but you know what?  Who the heck cares!

So I got across the finish line and I had something important to do.  I had to talk to the skirted lady.  I needed to tell her what her words meant to me.  I found her easily (remember she was only a bit ahead of me....although she pulled further ahead in the last 100 feet or so).  I told her that her words are what pushed me to run. I told her that I had decided to just walk the rest of it and call it a good deal, but her words gave me the courage and spunk to run the rest of the way.   Her face glowed when I told her and then she turned to me and said "Thanks is due to you too though"   I looked at her and she giggled a bit and said "I was on your tail the whole run and I decided that I was not going to let you pull ahead of me.  You didn't walk so I had to run the whole time also!  Thank you for unofficially pacing me."   :-)

I grabbed a water and headed over to Paula.  That water tasted so dang good.  And then I remembered to turn off the mapmy app.  Oops  I got it turned off.   My last 3/10ths of a mile look slow....partly because I didn't get that turned off immediately and partly because I was STRUGGLING!

Wow.....so my pace was much better than my average for most of the run.  My turn around mile was slower and  mile 6 were I hit that wall was slower...but still 'average' pace.  Go figure.

 I took another drink.  Holy cow that water tasted good and I drained that water bottle in a few seconds.  And that is when I knew it.  What did I know?  I had to sit down or I was in danger of falling down.  Yes, I KNEW that that horrible feeling of being sick that I had encountered back at mile 5.7 had reached its pinnacle. Oh yes....I was ready to drop.  I sat down for a few moments and answered some well wish texts and knew I was ok.   I stood up, grabbed another water bottle and Paula and I headed back to the car.  Yes, we stopped along the way for another picture.  Come on now...it's us!

10K done!!!!!  I've got my starting base line numbers and now I can improve upon that!

So upon further reflection.  I realize that I had totally dehydrated myself on Saturday and since I hadn't drank anything in the morning before running it was carrying over to Sunday.  I was suffering from total dehydration.  Ooops.   

Absentism

Why yes, I know I've been MIA.   It's a multitude of reasons.  I can wax poetic about how I photographed a wedding last weekend and then spent the multitude of hours editing them.   Yes, I could say that and it would be absolutely true. 

However, using that as an excuse would be a total stretch of the truth.  The reason I've been absent is the fact that I've just been struggling.   I am torn many times about saying too much on in my posts because I don't like to air my dirty laundry.  The flip side is that I have always operated my blog with total honesty.  So I'll just say it.....I'm struggling.  Big time.

How can I sum it up????    I just think that there has to be more to life than this.  I have moments of joy, peace and happiness.  But the rest of life is just hard.  So many aspects of my life is just wrong that I feel as if I am drowning.  I've written my blog posts about my plans.  And I still am working in that direction (ok, I've been bad and I haven't been utterly disciplined with my writing as I should be.) I just live for the good moments and try to push through the rest of the time.

I saw this sign last night and LOVED it!

My running.....Last week I only ran once!  It was a 4 miler and I should have done TWO of them last week but life happened and the run didn't.  I had a 6 miler on the schedule for this weekend.  That didn't happen either.   Shoes that I LOVE and that I've worn a gazillion times before (ok, maybe not a gazillion) have all of a sudden started to give me blisters.  Friday night my feet were BURNING.  I'm in that stage where the blisters WANT to happen but they are on the cusp.  SO my feet HURT.  I chose to save myself from blisters and not run (any shoes HURT) to heal so that my feet are in good shape for next week.  Yes my 10K is next Sunday.   I am going to try to do the scheduled 2-3 milers this week!  All depends on he blister-age.


Even with the foot problems I did get in a walk with my friend on the battlefield. :-)  Always good o walk and talk.  Wish I would have had a good camera.....it was PERFECT for photographs!!! Oh well, I grabbed one with my cellphone as we walked.  (nope, I didn't break stride)