Wash, Rinse, DO NOT REPEAT!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

There have been a few times in the last few days that I've told myself that I need to sit down and think about 2014 and 2015 and create goals and a plan.

However, I've just struggled with the concept.  Lets just say I don't want to think about 2014.  I didn't lose the weight I had planned on losing.  It was a bummer of a year emotionally.   Yeah, lets not repeat this one anytime soon (EVER).   

So what are my goals for 2015.  Well.....It's pretty easy to write....my goal is just to have a better year than 2014.  That simple.  I want happiness and weight loss. (yes, I  would very much like to be at my goal weight by the end of the year)  That is not too much to ask right?

So how will I be doing it?

1. I will be tracking my food again on myfitnesspal.  Religiously!  I know that if I'm tracking that I will be eating correctly. That's the way it usually works for me.  :)

2.  Running   I will be running. I'm scheduled to run that 10k at the end of March.  But I will be looking at my schedule once the changes go into affect at work (and thus I know what weekend I will be working.)   Consistency is the key for my running this year.

3.  Water Water Water  I need to be drinking it!   :-)

4.  As for happiness...let time heal....let it happen...and for goodness sake....just stay busy!

Pretty simple.  I'm not making any elaborate equations, (two pounds a week times 52 weeks divided by 3 weeks of vacation and multipled by 7 holidays and then subtracting my age and taking it to the fourth power for the four sick days i'm allotting myself).  I'm just going to commit myself to doing what is RIGHT and healthy!

Donut Miles

Christmas has come and gone. It's over.  Part of me is relieved.  Emotionally it was an interesting holiday as everything in my life is upside down and different.  However, other than some tears here and there it was a good one.  I know my trigger points that set me to crying and while I can't avoid them, I at least know it's gonna happen.  ha ha ha

On the evening of the 23rd, I ended up having dinner with my friend Paula and then she and I headed to Krumpe's Donuts to pick up a sweet treat.  I bought donuts for my family and also for my coworkers.  You see, we had to work on Christmas Eve and I thought donuts would be a nice treat.  So I picked up some yummy Krumpe's Donuts. (If your ever in Hagerstown, MD I would highly recommend getting some!!!)  

As Paula and I talked about our weight, dieting woes we somehow came up with a wild hair brained idea.  For every donut that each of us ate, we would run a mile as 'punishment' (ok or as just a challenge).   It sounded like a great plan that night while we were waiting in the line in the back alley donut shop!   It was brilliant plan!  Awesome in fact.  Until I got a text at about 40 minutes after Paula and I bade each other good night.  I was a picture text and it showed my co-conspirator eating a donut.  Where was her self control????? Mile one!   I laughed and went to bed.  Don't be thinking I was all that  noble.  The only reason I didn't eat a donut that night (hot and fresh from the donut shop...yum) was that I had been eating so badly that my stomach was hurting from being stuffed!!!    I woke up early to get ready to go to work.  I opened up the home box and pulled out a red velvet donut.  A picture was sent to Paula to commemorate mile two!  

And boy was that donut worth every step of a mile! Red Velvet cake donut.  Delish!    I got dressed and headed to work.  I had a momentary thought of actually not eating any more donuts.  Yes, I was going to cut myself off after one mile donut.  And then I remembered that my manager and I were in this donut thing together and that she was arriving with chocolate milk.  Of course I had to have a donut with my chocolate milk!!!   I chose a peanut butter donut.  Once again....sooo worth it.   Add another mile to the tally.  We are now up to 3 miles.    I got a text from Paula telling me that donut 4 was planned to serve as her lunch.   

I sooooo wanted to eat another donut.  There was another red velvet donut (which was the flavor of the month of December so it's not like I can go back and get another one in a month or two) that was calling my name.  I pondered.  Really?  I didn't want to be the one that pushed us over 4 miles.  If I knew that Paula was having a third donut, I would be more than happy to eat a third...but there was no way that I was going to push us into that realm.  I held firm and didn't have the donut!  

We sat at 4 donuts miles the rest of the day. I sent the leftover work donuts home with my manager for her daughters and went home.   It was difficult because there was still a red velvet donut in the box at home.  I have to admit, I opened that box more than once.  I plotted in my head over and over how I could eat that donut and NOT have to run the extra mile.  No solution came to mind so I didn't eat it.   Late that night, I received another picture via text.   Oh yes, she ate her third donut which was our donut mile number 5!   I was ready to cave.  On Christmas day I was ready to eat that last red velvet donut and whaddya know?   It was thrown away!  ha ha ha    

Paula and I went out yesterday to attend to our miles. The plan was to run the miles.  (or run/walk the miles. However, as sometimes happens, the running didn't happen.  It was one of those days where we needed the talk time and we kept saying we would run at the next 1/2 mile interval but when that came we would be in the middle of a deep conversation and we would push it off until the following 12 mile interval.  Over and over this happened.   I'm sad to say that we didn't RUN our donut miles...but we did however walk them.  (ok, we walked 4 of them......we ran out of time so we still owe that last mile!) 

I'm not exactly 100% on track with my eating.  But in the last two days I've been SOOOOO much better!  I'm not sick to my stomach and I am eating more fruits and veggies.  So progress!

I will leave you with my nephew and Mertz.  Not a bad picture for a cat that has for most of her life lived in seclusion,  Not by my choice...but by her choice.  She just preferred her own company!

The struggles are real

Wow  I've been telling myself to write a post.  But just never got around to it. So much to say.  I have to talk about eating, running, my emotions, my cats,a scheduled race and lets not forget the rogue squirrel!!! Where to begin. I guess I will break it down into sections for ease.

Weight:

I think that this picture sums it all up. 

Sadly, everyday is a constant battle trying to convince myself that I don't like cookies, cakes and donuts.   Sadly, everyday I am losing the battle.  Control over my eating is non existent.  I've eaten to the point of being sick.  Yeah, really.  It's not a good thing.  I hate myself for it...but regardless, I struggle and fail.  I keep telling myself 'no more'  but words and actions are NOT meeting to make any sense in my life.   

I am struggling with weighing myself.  I'm not able to find a constant place to put my scales.  So I have them sitting against the wall where I can move them to weigh myself when needed.  However, every time I sit them down they weigh me differently....2 seconds apart.  So I haven't even weighed myself.  I'm kinda leaning toward figuring out the weighing issue by the beginning of the new year and take a first weight of the year  and just go from there.

I haven't contemplated giving up again.  That was a short lived thought, thankfully.  I want this....badly.  I just have to figure out the link between want and do!

Moving on:

Exercise:

I have religiously attended zumba.  It has been my salvation as it's filled up three nights of my week.  More on why that is a salvation later.  It's also been probably the only thing that has kept me from gaining a TON of weight (although my clothes feel tight and I feel icky)

Running:

What's that?  Ok, so I was on top of it and actually ran whilst I was in Florida.  I got some pretty nasty blisters, but I still managed to put the miles on while on vacation.  That was dedication!   I got home, immediately replaced my running shoes (even though the blister inducing shoes were not that old) and promptly ran one more time.  (Let me remind you, I was in Florida in mid October.  Yes, two months ago)   This week I decided to break out those brand spankin' new running shoes (ok, almost new).  I went out on Thursday.  Oh. My. Word.   Was it brutal.   I kept it short at just about a mile and a half.  This morning I went out again and made it 3 miles....and it wasn't pretty.  Not. At. All  I'd like to say it was easier, but no, it was just as brutal as the first run.   Better luck tomorrow.   Why yes, I do mean tomorrow as it's another day and I won't improve without running consistently.  I have to get myself back into some kinda of halfway ok running shape.  I'm living in Hagerstown now.   I'm right across the street from my sister in law who runs.  I am right next to my aunt, who has run.  I'm a mile or two from Paula my running bud.  (Sneaky girl that Paula is, she ran down the street the other day and didn't stop.  She said she had to see my brothers scrapwood tree in person!)   So I have easy access to running partners.  But well, my flailing around that I'm calling running at this point is NOT something I need to share with them. (Although they may need a laugh!)  So I have to get into running shape.

Scrapwood Christmas Tree?    

It actually looks cool here but is just absolutely wicked neat at night all light up!  He has pics of it lit up on his facebook page  and possibly on his website. (seriously, it's Sunday morning do you really expect me to go look?

Cooper River Bridge Run:

A few months back, my friend Sue put a post up on facebook.  It said something like this.  "I want to run the Cooper River Bridge Run  who wants to do it with me."   I immediately responded and said "I'm in."    A few minutes later I followed it up with a second comment saying "Where, when and by the way, how long of a run did I just commit myself to"   Yes, she got a laugh because only I would commit to a run without knowing how long I was going to be running.  ha ha ha  Typical, I guess.   So the nitty gritty, now that I have actually registered for it.  It's the last weekend of March.  Apparently it's a rather large run, capped at 40,000 participants.  It's in Charleston, SC.   It's a 10k.  Piece of cake (well, wait, I haven't been running and I'm struggling with just a few short miles!), I've done that distance before.  I've got this (as long as I run in the next few months).  So I am registered for this run.  I'm planning on driving down on Thursday (at least part of the way...it's about 9-10  hours).  Enjoying the area and the race expo on Friday.  The run is on Saturday.  We are planning to do the taste of the run after the race and more of the city.  Sunday I will spend the morning there and then drive home.  Back to work on Monday.  Flying trip, but sounds fun.  (I have to make sure Sue found the hotel rooms).    So running is IMPORTANT in the next few months!  (Especially since I do expect to lose some training days due to inclement weather!)

The Rogue Squirrel: 

I was out running this morning and happened to see a black squirrel.  Now they are not all that common around here (I think..I"m not up on my squirrel-ology so I can't be too positive).  I watched the squirrel and that squirrel watched me and then ran up a tree that overhung the sidewalk upon which I was running.  It stopped about eye level and sat there as I approached.  And I knew that this squirrel was an angry squirrel (probably from being a minority squirrel) and that it had reached it's limit and it was going to go crazy on me.   It would probably leap from that tree and land on my head.  Don't laugh.  It could happen!  I sped up as I approached, maybe if I was really fast and did a little bob and weave the squirrel would miss me when he came flying through the air toward my face!   Ok honestly, I was telling myself to calm down that squirrel attacks are NOT on the rise and that this fear was all in my head.   I faced my fears and ran right under that little black demon!   I could hear him scratching and scampering around above my head (even through the music pumping through my headphones).  I jumped a mile and picked up the pace and swore that I would never trust a black squirrel again!    

There may or may not have been some birds that freaked me out on my run too!   I'm not admitting anything, but it was a scary run!

Settling in:

The cats are doing good in our new digs (the basement of my parents home).  They love to go up and explore the main house (if only my parents cat wasn't so freaked out by my little angels!).   

Mertz has gone from a bit of a loner cat to a cat that while maybe not a total lap cat, but at least a more sociable cat.  She however is a traitor.  Many times she won't come out when I get home.  However, as soon as my niece and nephews arrive that cat is out!   Traitor!!!   OK, I'm actually happy to see her love them!    And they do come visit the cats while I'm at work and for that I'm utterly grateful!                 Here is Mertz laying beside the scratching post, so proud of herself because the scratching post was only a few hours old and she had already ripped the red ball from the post.  And we won't even talk about the RED drink that Mertz just knocked over onto her grandma's cream colored carpet.  Oops (I think I got it squared way)

Ethel is being Ethel.  She plays and is extremely talkative, but still sleeps a lot. (she is 14 afterall) 

 Lucy is my worry.   Just a few days after moving I noticed a large lump on the side of her face.  I took her to the vet and we did a biopsy.  The results came back with more cancer.   They also said that the cancer that was removed last year has a very low prognosis (as in she is lucky that she made it more than a year).  Because of her history and her age, surgery to remove the cancer is not really an option.  I am giving her a steroid to try to slow down the speed at which this tumor is growing.  Where it is at, it will probably at some point begin to affect her ability to eat and drink.  So I know that I am nearing the end of my time with my baby girl.  She is deaf now and 17 years old and lived a good life, so I feel selfish for crying over her (and yes, she has been my baby since she was a wee little kitten).   But she is my baby.   I've already given up so much in the last few months that I don't want to lose my eldest cat too and it breaks my heart.

Lucy is the calico on the left and Ethel is the cat on the right.  They love each other and I worry about Ethel when she loses her big sister and closest companion.    Meanwhile, they rule they roost (Lucy especially) and even when I want to wrap up in my soft red blanket, if the cats are using it I find something else or shiver  The same goes for the chair.  The other night when my niece and nephews were here I sat on the floor rather that interrupt their sleep (healing sleep maybe???  ok, that's wishful thinking) 

Emotions and the divorce thing: 

This is hard.  So very hard.  I have not once questioned or second guessed my decision.  I know that I made the right decision.  My soon to be ex's actions and apparent lack of emotions about it all reinforce it.  Maybe I should be happy that he has painted the house since I left, and cleaned the siding, and added carpet over/replacing the carpet that his old cat ruined years ago before she died. And who knows what else.  I want him to move on, but he seems to be doing it without a backward glance and that hurts a bit.  So it's a half glad half upset thing)

So why is it hard?  

I'm changing everything about my life.  My life has changed almost totally and it's left me sitting in a weird position of being a bit lost.

 It's a LOT of alone time. The loneliness is KILLING ME!!!  At least when I was with him, I had hope of having some conversation.  I had hope of some companionship whenever he decided to engage in the relationship.  We actually did have fun at times......even up to the end.  Now I'm just looking at a blank horizon.  My family has been wonderful as have some local friends.  Zumba filled up three nights each week.  We are in a hiatus now and Zumba won't restart until January 12th.....gotta figure out how to fill those evenings!

I've thought some about the dating websites.  I have a handful of friends and acquaintances  that have been through this and overwhelmingly they have all told me to get back out there and date.  I've heard reasons that vary but they all do make sense.  They say do it to reaffirm that my husband was wrong and that I'm worth a guy being interested.  They also say if nothing else it's good for a laugh if you just get duds.  But the main thing, it will help fill the time and ease the utter loneliness  

I think that about sums it up. 

,.l;/

And then.....

Lets get the divorce/separation stuff over first since it really does affect my quest for health.   I'm settling in and getting used to living with my parents.  It's going to be an adjustment for everyone.  I am plagued by tears.  I am utterly thankful and grateful for parents that have opened their house to me (and my brother and his wife that also have told me many times that I'm welcome there).   However, part of me misses my husband and the life we did have together.  Yes, it may have been crappy, but we did have good times.  It is also what I've known for the last so many years.  I also still feel like an utter failure. Nothing I've done in life has turned out decently it feels.  And here I am 41 years old and I'm living with my parents again.  (We won't even talk about the fact that I will have to up that to 42 very soon.)  I just feel like a big fat failure.  

Fat....oh yes, now we get to the weight loss stuff.    Why am I even trying to lose weight?   I admittedly lost weight the first time in an effort to make my husband desire/want/love me in the way that I need to be loved.  Yeah yeah yeah, don't be a hater.  I know that was a totally stupid reason.....and that the weight wasn't the issue between us.   But our minds play stupid tricks on us and make us believe all sorts of things.  And just for the record, I may or may not have grasped at other crazy ideas to try to save the relationship.  I will neither confirm nor deny!!!! (ha)   So today I was sitting at work and thinking about this weight loss thing.  I was thinking about the weight and I decided that I could totally accept myself as a fat woman.  What would I do different?  I would start buying clothes in my size versus trying to make do with what I have because I don't want to waste my money on this size.  Basically I would accept myself as exactly what I am....an overweight woman.  No more stressing about eating a piece of cake.  No more thinking about how that straight up butter (my  mother wouldn't be caught dead with anything other than full fledged butter in this house) is so choke full of calories and fat.   No more obsessing and thinking about what I'm eating versus the calories I'm expending.  Just accept it as the way I am, pleasingly plump.

I literally nodded my head when I reached that decision.  I was ok with it.  I'm me no matter what size I am. (Well, I guess I'm me....I don't really know who I am anymore....but maybe I can figure that out sooner or later.)

And then......

Thoughts started floating through my head at warp speed.

Wow, my knees have been hurting a lot lately.  They didn't hurt when I had lost the weight.  If I don't try to lose weight I'm consigning myself to knee pain for evermore.

Its a heck of a lot more fun shopping for clothes. The buyers for fat women's stores and departments are obviously retarded (so sorry that is not politically correct but heck this is MY blog so if I say they are retarded, they are!) and can't buy anything that is even somewhat trendy and fashionable...and seriously, lay off the polyester!  So shopping ... yeah, I'd have to give that up....

Running.  Zumba.  I kinda like these things.  Hmmm.  I guess I could just be a fat girl running and zumba'ing.    I do those things better when I'm at a lower weight though.

Oh heck, I just had more energy when I was thin.

So guess what, I guess I'm not quitting.  I guess I will continue.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to get back into the habit of tracking.  It's difficult.....but I need to do it.  I've been off he rails lately.   I'm having some difficulty reigning it in.  It's more difficult than I imagined it would be.

I have gone to zumba three nights this week.  (ok, two nights but I'm heading to night three in just a few hours).  I hope to recommence with running here soon (dang knees) and well....I'm just going to have to focus.....somehow.  (and then I went and ate two oreos.....really???)