Normal

I've got one day left in the month (not including the rest of the day....).   I had committed to propelling myself 75 miles in the month of February.  as of right now I'm 66.98 miles in.   So I've got 8.02 to complete in the next roughly 36 hours!  I've got this!  :-)  And yes, even though I rode this morning.....I may have to hop on and ride again tonight just to finish it off so I can finish it with one day to spare!


I want to eat 'normal'.  I don't want to eat a handful of bean sprouts and call it a meal.  (and nothing against bean sprouts....in their time and place).  I want to be able to eat everyday normal foods.  I want to be 'normal'.

Does it sound like I'm whining???   Yeah, probably...but I'm not.

Normal.  How do we define normal?  That is where the crux of the matter lies.  What is normal?  I've come to the conclusion that there is a thin person's normal and an obese persons normal.

Obese Normal for me on a day off, our and about with my husband used to consist of this.....
     *Breakfast  -  A full breakfast.  Probbably at McDonalds (yeah, we don't do Mcdonalds anymore, but                         we used to)
                     Bacon egg and cheese bagel
                     3 hashbrowns
                     Large coke
      *  Lunch -  This would occur round about 11 or 12 because we were hungry of course...breakfast                           wasn't that large afterall...just Mcdonalds.  We would eat at some place like Outback or Olive                       Garden or Ruby Tuesdays.  For the sake of this post I'll chose Outback.
                   Bloomin' Onion (we did at least split that)
                   Salad (a girl has to be healthy you know)
                   Alice Springs Chicken
                   Pepsi with numerous refills
                   Bread.....and yes please, we need another loaf...and another....and another
                   Dessert.... usually we were miraculously full and couldn't get a dessert.....ok 50% of the time
     *Mid afternoon snack..  Yes, we would pick up something for a mid afternoon snack.  Usually at Wendy's...off their cheap menu
                   Junior Bacon Cheeseburger
                   Small fry
                   Large coke
     *  Dinner  By now we were usuallly home.  So I would make something delicious...
                  Hot taco dip maybe.....ground beef, a pound of monteray jack cheese, a can of refried beans, a                       can or two of cheddar cheese soup.  Absolutely Delicious
                  Tortilla chips (not baked)
                   2 liter of Dr Pepper (which we split)
    *  Dessert
                 Ice cream and homemade cake


That used to be 'normal'   That was an obese girls normal.  I do NOT want that normal again. I want normal though. I want "THIN" normal.

Thin normal is what I want.  Thin normal!   Thin normal is making healthy choices but not eating copious amounts of food.  Thin normal (for me) will include my current tricks of cooking healthier when at home.  Thin normal is still saying I can have the hot taco dip (with minor changes...less cheese...turkey burger...diet dr pepper and baked chips) but then counter balancing the rest of the meals to allow for that heavy dish.  Thin normal is not denying myself anything but eating everything in moderation.

I have written about this before.......but I'll write it again.  When I started my current job I had a manager who was rail thin.  Just a tiny little thing.  For a while I sat back and observed her and it made me MAD!   Seriously!  She had a full drawer of candy and food that she was seemingly eating from!   She talked about her love of the cheesecake factory and talked about the cheesecake she had the night before or that she would be getting next time.  It drove me CRAZY!   And then one day I noticed it. She had gone to the cheesecake factory the night before......I knew it and it had bothered me.  And then the day after her cheesecake factory outing she stood up and said "I'm going to go upstairs and get my cheesecake."  I groaned because seriously....I was  already going insane from watching her eat crazy unhealthy foods while I nibbled on raw carrots.  She brought down her little container of cheesecake.  She opened it up and said "this is what was left from last night when I ordered my piece of cheesecake".  What?  Leftover.  She opened that container and I swear the whole piece of cheesecake sat right there with only two bites taken out of it.  I asked her if she had ordered two pieces.  Yes, I asked her that.  But it turns out she only ordered one. She had eaten her two bites and then put it in a to go container to take home.  She ate two or three bites that day and guess what she did?   She closed the lid and returned that cheesecake to the fridge.   I was in shock!  Seriously!  I would have scarfed down that whole piece in the time it took her to eat two bites!   there wouldn't' have been left overs.... But no,  She ate on that same darn piece of cheesecake ALL FREAKIN' WEEK!  

THAT is eating normal.  Eating normal is SHARING a dessert when you go out (which I have to give my  husband props...he does that with me!).   Eating normal is not having 4 full meals in one day.  Eating normal is having one (maybe) full big meal and then meals that more resemble snacking for the others....or eating normal can resemble more small meals. (which leaves me dissatisfied, so that's why I go for the one big meal and then smaller snacky type meals).  Eating normal is taking a thin persons eating mentality and super-imposing it over my obesity warped mind and coming up with a plan that works for me!

Normal is what we make it......Obese eating is NOT normal!  I want THIN normal!


 

             

Think Thin

So my eating today.. rough rough rough. I picked up an egg and cheese sandwich for breakfast. For lunch Todd and I ended up at Ruby Tuesdays.  I have to say, years ago we used to be regulars at these restaurants and then we backed off.  We hadn't been there in ages and went back today.  The salad bar has shrunk in size....not as good.  The Soup wasn't bad....   So yes, soup and salad for lunch.  We ended up at Sweet Frog for a small dessert.  Frozen yogurt....could be worse.  For dinner I had a 1/2 turkey and cheese sub and a handful of pretzels.  I did round it out with an hour of zumba...that counts right?


My eating gets out of whack on weekends and on days when I am off with my husband.  That's the way it is.  I know some will say that he is purposely sabotaging my efforts either subconsciously or otherwise.  That may be the case, it could be all in conjunction with the myriad of marital issues that we have...but I don't think so.  It's a learned behavior.

When Todd and I first got together we were both large obese people.  We both came into the relationship with bad eating habits.  We built a relationship that centered upon food.  Our dates were centered around food.  Everything we did and planned was based on food.  We made our plans for outings based on when and where we were eating.  EVERYTHING was surrounded by food.   That was what our relationship was built upon.

So fast forward through a marriage.  Fast forward to MF decides to change her life by losing weight.   I changed the rules of the marriage.  I no longer want my life to be centered around food.  But that was the life we created within our relationship.  It's difficult.  Our marriage had some major issues before this change came about.  Honestly, I can say that the changes within me haven't helped our marriage...but it's necessary for me to find me, so it has to happen.  It just remains to be seen where the marriage ends up.

But I digress.  So you see, I don't think Todd is being malicious....he's just simply living and operating under the lifestyle that we set up so many years ago.  He isn't being malicious when he asks for waffles in the morning and tacos at night (how does one keep their calories under control with both of those meals in one day?).  He is just asking because that is how we have always operated.

So the question is this.  How do I fit my lifestyle in with what I want .  How do I make the changes I need to make so that we are both happy and ok with everything.

I have always said that I want to live a life where I can eat the waffle and where I can have the tacos the pizza, and the ice cream.  I  know, moderation.  I want to eat 'normal' foods....normally.  Changing my food to a special diet is NOT a sustainable method.  I have to figure out how to eat normally...FOR LIFE!

So on to one other thing that's been floating through my head.  Years back, I was in and then led a few weight loss challenges.  I had gotten into the habit of signing off of every email with the line........Think Thin.   I was thinking about the other day and then this morning a friend sent me a text encouraging me to not go totally crazy while eating out and her last words of the text was "Think Thin"   Oh my word.........of all the words she could have used.  So THINK THIN.......we need to think thin.  Think thin when we are ordering our food.  We need to 'think thin' when we are getting ready to snack at home.  We need to 'think thin' when we are packing our lunches to take to work.  We need to 'think thin' when we are vacillating between going to exercise or skip it.   If we are thinking thin, we will make 'thin' conscious decisions.  Thin conscious decisions will lead us to our goal weight! We need to THINK THIN.

Choices

I almost caved and skipped zumba tonight......almost!  It was hard.....so hard.  I just felt tired...my body felt tired. But you know what?  I went.  I did it.  I know that my energy level was a bit lower than normal, but I went and I made it through the hour.   Perserverence.

You see, I had a choice.   I made my choice.  

Weight loss is choice.  Everyday I have a choice to make in terms of my weight loss.  I have to chose if I am going to go to zumba.  I have to chose if I am going to eat cake or fruit.  I have to chose constantly.   I miss the innocence of eating what I want, where I want and when I want  That totally skews the choices we face. 

So often we get bogged down with all the choices.   It seems like we have so many different options available to us.  It is confusing, mind boggling and deters us from our true focus.   But in reality we have two choices...

1.  I can  hose to live life of obesity.  The habits and way I used to be led me into a lifestyle mired in obesity. I was lucky.  I have dodged a lot of obesity bullets.  But I was diagnosed with high cholesterol and I do have arthritis in my knees.  I consider that lucky for a girl that weighed in at over 300 pounds, it could have been and could be much much worse.   Obesity kills.  It kills physically.  It kills mentally.  It kills emotionally.    

2.  I can chose to live a life of health.  Health doesn't garauntee that I'll live a disease free life.  But it sure does give me a much better chance.  Being thin made me happier.  Being thin gave me energy.  Being thin sure did feel good.

So my choice is obesity or health.  Innocence or strict eating/exercise regimes.   It sounds crazy....why in the world would I chose the innocence because it heralds sadness and death!

Trickery

I’ve been trying to lose weight for quite a while.  I recommitted to the process at the beginning of this year.  So what is my great weight loss for the year thus far???   Well….maybe we don’t want to talk about that.  Suffice it to say that it’s not pretty.  It may even be a gain of a pound or two. (nothing bigger than two or three).

So what’s wrong? I've lamented this fact in previous posts. What is different?  What am I doing wrong????  And then there was an epiphany. ~~This is the cue for the angels to sing~~

Well, this epiphany is not really mine to claim.  This is a friend’s epiphany that I am blatantly stealing.  You know who you are but unless you chose to come forward and lay claim…your secret is safe with me.  J  (and I apologize dear friend for any artistic license I take with your epiphany!)

It started with a question about what to eat for dinner.  Subway sounded good…(mmmm yes, it does!)  My friend was having a ‘strong day’ or else something simply  possessed her to actually go online and build her sandwich to calculate the calories.  She was wanting to get a foot long…….and then she found out that the whole sub that she would have ordered had she not had a moments burst of non-complacency that caused her to look up the actual calorie count would have cost her 1040 calories.  Now I don’t know what my friend is striving for each day in her total daily count…but I can tell you…she’s not THAT far away from her goal weight…and she’s not as tall as a giant!  Therefore, we can safely assume that 1040 calories for a sub would pretty much decimate her daily caloric budget.  At that moment my friend knew…..her struggles to maintain and even lose were not caused by genetics, they were caused by her mindless intake of food.

You see, our minds are easily swayed.  We are obsessive compulsive about measuring our food out for a while and then all of a sudden our minds tell us that we can pour that cereal (or ice cream or whatever food)   in the bowl and estimate it.  It is so tempting, it’s more quick, it’s more free and it saves on dirty dishes!  (the dirty dishes win me over quicker than anything else) But seriously…..regardless  we know how much cereal to pour.  We may get our portions right that first day.  Afterall, we DO know.  We just made a cognizant decision.  We are being careful.  Day two rolls around and we decide to wing it again…day three and day four the same.  By the time a few days have rolled around we are no longer thinking about our portions, we are simply pouring the food into the bowl and slowly (or not so slowly as the case may be) our portions get larger and larger.

We are brainwashed.   Subway has brainwashed us.  And let me say, I like Subway and am not bashing them.  I will continue to eat there…..and furthermore, I commend them for their superb advertising and for being in front of the 8-ball in terms of trying to push themselves as a healthy option and for putting general calorie counts on their cups and napkins long before it was required in any state. (at least I think they were long before required in any state)  However, the fact remains that they have brainwashed us through their advertising.  When I think of Subway…the first thought (ok, maybe the second thought….after mouth is done watering, because first and foremost I am a food addict) is of Jared.  Jared lost an obscene amount of weight eating Subway subs everyday.  We've all seen the commercials about Jared.   They are billing their food as healthy.  And yes, it is and can be healthy….or at least not too bad (depends on what you order, what toppings, what size)…I’m not bashing their food.  But we have it in our heads that we can go to Subway and order what we want and voila we will be thing the next day. (cuz that’s the way it SHOULD work you know!).  We think it…and thus we go into Subway and eat mindlessly without thought to what is going into our  mouths.

Our weight loss efforts are not being hampered by anything other than our complacency!  We become complacent.  We THINK we are following the ‘plan’.   We convince ourselves that we are doing out best. 

But in reality?   We are failing ourselves.

So meanwhile, I'm putting one foot in front of the other.  I'm focusing right now on eating my correct portion of fruits/veggies a day.   It works.  :-)   And yes, they are tasty too!

One Size Fits All

I'm still quite a ways away from reaching my goal weight again.  Way too may pounds for my liking, but that's what it is.   Today however the thought about "what makes the 'end' so difficult for us.  Why is it so difficult to push through those last pounds and reach our goals.

The first and trite answer is that when we are losing weight we have this wonderful neon sign that is blinking in front of us.  The sign is clearly blinking "Goal weight......Goal weight.....goal weight....goal weight"   It is clear....it is out there.  The focus is on the sign and we that are on this journey just keep pushing forward toward the goal.  The sign moves closer and closer (and sadly, some weeks it moves further away again).  The problem is that as the sign moves closer toward us the uncertainty starts to crowd in.  You see, what comes after that sign.  What happens when we pass that sign?    It is a great big black chasm.  The great big sign (the goal) is behind us and for so long we have focused on losing that now we are left with no goal.  Oh yes, we have the 'goal' of maintaining....but that's not a big neon sign that is beckoning us forward.  It is a scary prospect and it's one that can deter us and cause us concern.  That can derail. us.  Fear is natural..but fear is debilitating when it comes to our weight loss efforts.

The second answer is much more complicated and it's so much more difficult to admit and actually put down on paper.    But here goes.......  Fat is a safety net.  Fat is the greatest excuse as to why I fail.  It's easier to be fat and have this 'Well I'm fat' excuse up my sleeve.   Seriously, when you are overweight...grossly overweight and you cut a run short and make a comment saying "I'm disappointed with myself...I only ran a 1/2 mile or even a mile today"  it's easy for people and myself included to simply say "well seriously....the fact that you can run even that much is awesome!"   You see....the fat is a wonderful safety net...it's my excuse for everything. So when I start to get closer to my goal I start to become fearful...because holy cow....when I lose the weight I also lose that one size fits all excuse!  Now THAT is scary!

Meanwhile, I'm trying to bring my focus back on that elusive goal.  I enjoyed some nice weather this weekend.  It just made me REALLY long for summer!!!!!!!!!   Hopefully the weather will remain where it's at and not dip down into the 'God Awful' temperatures again.  And hopefully we have experienced our last flakes of snow for the year too!!!!  I'm done with it!  :-)  If that is the case...I don't have the weather excuse. (Cuz you know.....when you are fat and fall on ice it hurts worse!!!  ha ha ha ha)

Pushing through

Ahhh the weather was absolutely delightful today!  I threw on my exercise clothes....capri's even....a teeshirt and a sweatshirt.   I decided to do something a bit differently.  I usually run on the battlefield. It is actually a great place to run but admittedly it gets a bit repetitive.  So today,  my plan for the day was to go up to my parents for the day and spend the day with not only my parents but with my brother and his family (who live across the street).  I decided to do something differently.  I drove up to my parents house and parked my car.  I said hello to everyone and out I went.  I headed out for a run.    It is amazing how running through a different area changes everything.

I was feeling it for sure.  I had to continually ask myself "are you dying". I kept saying NO,so I kept going onward.  About 1.5 miles into my run I pulled the sweatshirt off, tied it around my waist and ran on.  3.5 miles later and I was done.


There are stages of running.  Stages of any exercise actually.......

Vacillation
 If I don't just jump right on it and do it IMMEDIATELY upon my first thought, first awakening, first whatever then I sit back and ponder it, dread it and vacillate between trying to talk myself into getting up and actually doing it versus sitting back and saying 'to heck with running today'.  

Death and Despair
While I am exercising it is a thing of me wanting to stop. My mind is telling me that I'm dying.  I hurt.  I ache.  I feel like I can't breathe sometimes.  My body is in distress....or so my mind thinks.  I have to constantly ask myself "Are you really dying?"    The answer is no.  I"m not dying.  I'm simply wishing it were over. I'm simply sore, but sore is NOT dying.  I just have to get past that mental hurdle of feeling as if I'm dying.

Euphoria
When I'm done....holy heck........the endorphin's are totally kicking.  I'm feeling on top of the world.  I get massive work accomplished.  I can't hep but feel good.  It is awesome!   A runners high! A zumba high!   A bike riders high!!!

So what I have to remind myself every day....the post exercise euphoria is SOOOOOO worth everything.  It's worth it all.  And oh yeah, the side benefit of getting fit and losing weight....well that's just icing on the cake!

One foot in front of the other

Aiming for a loss this week.....I totally need a loss on the books to boost my moral about this journey.   It's amazing how badly I want it, but how utterly difficult it is to actually work for it!   It isn't an easy journey.  It's difficult.  It's downright mentally exhausting. Its emotional. It's just plain shitty sometimes!

Moving forward.  I've got some goals.  I'm pushing myself forward.  Last night I was in the parking lot at zumba and I ALMOST turned around and drove home.  I found out it was a substitute instructor...not one I hate, but not one of my favorites.  I almost walked out the door.  I stayed though.  I pushed through it.  I am already wishing that I could just stay at home and curl up in a ball on my couch.....cry, wail, gnash my teeth and maybe watch a movie.  However, I'll be up and at 'em at Zumba....oh heavens, I sure do hope Anita is there tonight!  (although, I was feeling icky last night...and the gal that was subbing doesn't do as heavy of a cardio workout as Anita...so maybe that was a good thing....however, I wanted the sweat to be pouring off me....kinda like being mentally cleansed with sweat......OK, maybe I've gone off my rocker!)

Will I get my loss this week?   Honestly?  I've not been horrible, but I've not been on target 100% either.  Per the calorie count...yes, I should be showing losses.  But that is not how my body works.  I know where my calorie count has to be to show a loss..and it's not quite where I need it to be.  

Right now....emotionally, physically and mentally my focus is on putting One foot in front of the other....  Ok this is kinda the wrong season for this clip...but seriously, it just works for where I'm at....  and honestly for this WHOLE weight loss journey!!!  Seriously...I'm sure you remember the Christmas show...but go and actually listen to the lyrics....

The glove has been dropped

Ahhhh  Sunday...blessed Sunday.  A day with no work!  AHhhh

So I guess I learned my lesson.  Get my run over with early in the morning.  Seriously.  If I don't do it first thing or very near the first thing I sit and dread it for ages.    Today was one of those days.  I KNEW that I was going to go running.  Yet I ate breakfast.  Nor normally I'll go running and then eat breakfast....it kinda keeps the food for sloshing around inside me (not a pleasant thought is it?).  But toady, I ate first.  So I sat down to work on my computer to allow my food to settle.

While my food settled I started to work on digitizing pictures from my childhood.  They are deteriorating with age.  I am taking them, digitizing them and doing some minor restoration work on them.  I want to make sure that I can look at these pictures that I fell in love with as a little girl flipping through photo albums.  That was one of my favorite things to do as a kid.....look through our photo albums.  So anyway, I digress......I sat down to work on that project.  I kept telling myself, after I finish this step I'll go running.  But then I would finish that step and then move o to the next step and say "after this step"   Of course that didn't happen.  I kept working.

By the time I was pretty much finished with the pictures it was lunch time.  So I of course had a sandwich.  And then of course I didn't want to run after eating again.   What a vicious cycle!!!!

I continued watching the Olympics (oh yes, I watched a couple episodes of Live Big with Ali Vincent and then the Olympics as I fiddled around on my computer).  As I watched the Olympics, I thought about how those athletes go workout even when they don't want to work out.  I thought about how they push themselves because they BELIEVE in themselves!   So I rose up from the couch, put on my workout clothes and off I went.

Darn if it wasn't brutally cold.  I've run in colder.  But for some reason it just killed me today.  My legs were heavy and I could have worked through that.  My knees hurt and my heel hurt which was just no fun. I reverted back to running intervals for the duration.  But the icing on the cake?  The wind and cold.  My ears were numb....my cheeks burned.  I struggled to take in a deep breath.  It was not fun at all.  As for now?  I'm somewhat warm again....but I'm just really wheezy.   GRRRRR  Oh well......I'll be running again in a day or two and hopefully it won't be as brutal!!!   No...I'm thinking positively....it WILL be better. I WILL be improving my time.  I WILL be conquering this running thing.  And I'm going to throw it out there on the table.....I'm planning on running a race in March (I ran this one last year) and I am going to aim to set a new PR!   Ok, so there it is....on the table!

  Now if only the weather will cooperate so that I can actually get out there and run.  My time to beat????  My best 5k is 38.20..   I'm currently running at a pace of roughly 13:20 a mile.  So I have to drop about 50 seconds off of each mile. I know that the adrenaline of the race will knock some time off of my pace.  It did that with both of my lowest runs.    So what am I aiming for?????  Honestly anything under 38:20.    I will admit that I would be tickled with 36.......or even 35....but that is a long long shot!!!  Ok, it's a long shot for me right now.....because I have 1 month and one week until that race (I think)

So there it is...the proverbial glove has been dropped!  (and how my heel felt this morning, I better buy a new roll of KT tape!  LOL)

Winter just needs to go away!

This winter stuff is infringing upon my plans to improve my numbers in running.  Seriously!

Ok, I like snow.  It's pretty and all that  But I'm just ready for warm.  I'm ready...ready to get out and run and ride my bike!  

Yes, today dumped about 15 inches of snow on us.  We've had snow and/or ice at least once a week since Christmas.  (and actually I think since the beginning of December). Ok, we may have had a week where there was nothing...but wait, those are the days that it is 0 degrees in the middle of the afternoon.  So yeah, I'm done with winter!

I've eating probably too much today.  I woke up and at about 7 drug myself out of my warm bed.  (at 6:30 they delayed opening the bank until 11).   I made waffles for breakfast (and turkey bacon for Todd).

 At about 8AM they actually decided to close the bank for the day.  I walked out the door at 8:05 and spent almost exactly 2 hours outside shoveling the heaps of snow.  

Why yes, that is one of those 'ole men hats'  it is absolutely awesome!

Not playing...WORKING.  I came inside at right about 10....took off my top layer and headed straight for the exercise bike.  Why yes, I did do two hours of shoveling outside and then follow it up with 60 minutes on the exercise bike.  I am all that and a slice of bread!     After my ride, I showered, checked my mail and put lunch n the oven.  Yeah, we had Stromboli. (I had pepperoni....yeah, real pepperoni).  So my eating has been a bit above and beyond today.  Oh well.

The afternoon has been spent relaxing.  I figured out that curling is really quite addictive to watch.  I sat down to watch the women's hockey game but fell asleep.  Now I"m up and watching luge.  Hey, it's inspiring, knowing that these athletes have scarified and worked out and just been amazing in their efforts.  Makes my efforts to lose weight pale in comparison. OH yeah, you are wondering how much these curling guys work out.  Yeah, they showed a calendar....holy cow those guys were all muscles and totally buff!

Yay, the precipitation has recommenced! Ok, once again.....on days like oday where winter allows me to stay home I love it....i'm just antsy because I want to go out running without the risk of breaking my neck...o or getting run over by some red neck in a truck on my lame-o back road!

I'm reconsidering the exercise bike thing.  I have a recumbent bike.  It's got some issues...and I'm happy that it gets me moving.  HOWEVER,I know it's not giving me a good workout.  So I'm one again reconsidering the indoor bike training question.  Trainer?   Exercise bike?   GAH, I hate decisions like this!

Well I better get back to the focusing on these relay luge races.  Highly important!    Plus, well...my cats await me!!!!  That is Lucy laying on a pillow that is sitting on the arm of the couch above my folded up pillow and that is Ethel laying beside my pillow sharing my blanket.

Rebel

Day two if my new rule-less existence is half way in the books.  (Ok, maybe not halfway...but it's rolling onward!!!). I'm on board, on track and feeling strong!   Ohhh to simply hold on to this feeling!!!   Is there any way to bottle the feeling????     I know that the true test will be how I'm feeling next week this time!

The finite rules and regulation just begged me to bend and break.  I'm such a rebel I guess!!!  But hey....whatever works!!!!

Made it to Zumba yesterday evening!   Got out walking with sherry this morning (in 14 degree temps might I add) and ill be heading to Zumba again tonight!   (My legs feel stiff and heavy right now so Zumba should be interesting!)

What doesn't Kill you Makes you Stronger

I woke up and knew that I had to get my run in early.  First because Todd and I were planning on doing something during the day.  Secondly because it was supposed to start snowing later in the day.  And thirdly...if I don't get it done early the odds of me doing it all are start to diminish.  I was actually sitting on the sofa waffling about going when I saw a facebook post by my friend Tim over at Reflections in a Murky Stream      He decided that he was going to cheer for everyone today.  It was just what I needed to drive me from my couch and out onto the road.

The run was brutal today.  It snowed/sleeted the whole time I was out there.  It was cold, my eyes were watering and I was seriously wondering if my tears were freezing to my cheeks.  My fingers were numb inside my gloves.  But all of that was minor because about one mile in my legs started to ache.  My muscles tightened up and just plain hurt.  I didn't let it stop me. I ran onward.  It didn't kill me.  :-)

While I was out running I made a realization about myself.

I have been using the website (and corresponding app on my phone) myfitnesspal.com.  I actually really the website.  It is easy to use.  It's easy to add recipes that I make.  There are tons of saved nutrient calculations so almost anything you want you can find an estimate (or the real calorie count should it be a commercial item).  It keeps track of any number of nutrients, water consumption, exercise and weight changes.  There are communities that you can be part of.  It really is a great website.  My problem?   They keep track of the days that we log into the website.  And every few days they post "maryFran has logged in for such and suh amount of days"   This is a good thing, I guess.   However, this morning on my run  I made a startling discovery.  The ''MF has logged in for *** days" is actually a deterrent for me  Its a rule....a chore...and something that makes the trend of logging in daily rough for me.

Yeah, I liked it when my stats were saying "MF has logged in for 180 days"  but when I was out sick with the flu in July and I was puking my guts out, yet I still picked up the phone just to log on....I didn't add any food because I didn't eat anything and I certainly didn't exercise!  I picked up my phone an logged on just to maintain my streak.  How wrong is that?  Day two of the sickness I didn't pick up my phone and ruined my streak.  Yup.  Ruined...done!

The streak being ruined by something as simple as the flu...the stinking flu totally caused a sense of disillusionment for me.  I didn't miss tracking anything I just didn't log on!  There have been other days too.  Days where I'm just busy  I'm keeping track of things in my head and I enter it the next morning...but I don't do it 'on the same day' so my streak is broken.   It would infuriate me!    I was focusing on having a high 'days tracked' number. Numbers and rules.......

  I have thus far shied away from setting strict "rules of engagement" for myself.  I haven't said I will do such and such and I won't do such and such.  I have goals but I was very careful to say I will reach the goal whenever I get there.  I didn't put time limits upon myself.    At the beginning of last year I didn't operate under rules and I didn't operate under set time limit goals. I just DID it.

This year was different.  I set up strict rules.  I WILL track such and such times a week. I WILL drink my water.  I WILL do this and that.  Seriously?   That doesn't work for me.  I'm going to TRY.  I'm not going to keep track of my days on target and my days of tracking and my days of this and that.  It's not important.  What is important is that i'm having lots more days of being good than bad.  It's important that I'm getting as many fruits and veggies in each day.  Do I need to be strict and say I WILL eat 5 (or 6 or 7) a day???  NO...  I'm going to eat as many as I can.    5 days of exercise a week?  Sounds good. But it's not a set in stone rule anymore.

I have my goals.  I have my challenges.  I know where I want to be.  I will get there.  I will get there by living and being me.  I will do it by changing my life without the rules.  I will do it because I am changing my life NATURALLY!

What is different??

Last year I started my year and I was on fire.  I was losing.  I was focused.  I was a woman on a mission.  I felt spectacular!   Midway through the year I lost my mojo.  I started to flounder.  At first I maintained my weight but then I slowly started to gain again.  I knew what the problem was and I thought long and hard about it.

I was determined to start this year out strong.  I was going to be that woman on a mission again.  I was going to whip this fat into shape and set it running from my body.  I was so determined to make it happen.  However, that has not happened.  I’m still floundering.  I’m not losing, I may even be slightly gaining.  I’m NOT at all happy with where I’m at. 

I want this with all my heart.  I want to be thin.  I want it!  So what is my problem?  What part of the equation did I intrinsically have last year…..or more importantly what have I lost?  What is different????

The only thing I can think of is that the last week or two I’ve been totally focused onother things.  I’ve worked my full time job….I’ve done a few rounds of photos…..I designed a cd for a band.  I admit that the cd design had me nervous as I’ve never done anything like that. (it’s at the printers now…and no news is good news!).  The CD Design was fun to do.  It just was a lot of back and forth with the client and some late nights as we got down to the deadline which was when the client had a gazillion last minute changes.  It is a trifold cd jacket…so six pages of design….and they originally wanted a 16 page booklet for inside….so I did 16 pages of design…..but one of those last minute changes was knocking 16 pages down to 6.  Yes, you heard me….I had to lose 10 pages but none of the information contained on those pages.  So it was a rather large project for my first foray into CD Design.   But I can honestly say that for quite a few days/evenings I was totally focused on these other projects.  My focus has to be directly and completely on losing weight.  I know that.

CD Cover, they wanted simple and reminiscent of days gone by

Back of the CD

 The problem is with weight loss being my sole focus is that it’s not a healthy attitude.  Life happens and life has to be lived.  I need to find a balance.

Whatever the problem is….I need to get it fixed!   I have some very clear goals.

What are my goals????    I have two very specific big weigh ins to surpass.

Under 200 pounds is one of those biggies.  The other big one is for me to be  back at 180 pounds which is where my doctor wanted me and thus my weight watcher goal weight. (I will be back at lifetime status at that point).  So I have two goals that I've set up for those things…

A weekend with Donna in Lancaster…..including massages/pedicures

A weekend with Julie in Indianapolis……

Crazy weather

Yeah it's winter, I know that!   But darn it, I don't want it!!!!  I'm done with it.  D. O. N. E.     it's pretty.  I admit it.   I don't dispute that.  I'm just tired of taking my car out and braving ice, sleet, snow and what not!   Lets see last week I about slide off the road three times in a two mile stretch....snow.   Monday I spun my wheels trying to go up hills that had not yet been plowed in that same two mile commute.   Today I skidded around on ice.   But that's not the worst if this weather!!! The worst???   It's keeping me from running!!   Yes, it is!  It's canceling Zumba too!!  Monday was cancelled. I made it last night before the ice fest... I just found out tonight is on but I have to get groceries.  I only get groceries every two weeks so at the end of that two weeks it's slim pickings.   Friday/Saturday is grocery day...but alas,another  snow is expected.....one measured in 'feet and not inches'.   The stores will be a mad house the closer we get to that mess....so tonight it is.  (I originally thought Zumba was cancelled so I made these plans before I saw it was  indeed on!)

So the snow is infringing upon my workouts!  I'm not happy with that!!!

The last few days I've been busy.   Doing what??   Pictures and I worked on a cd design for a band.   I'll post pictures soon.  In conjunction with that, I've decided to do what Todd's been telling me to do for a while...to actually have an official website and Facebook page for my photography/ crafts.  So that has been on my mind.   

Yeah, life has been crazy!!   It's February and I haven't made any great achievements weight wise.   That's gotta change!  I have specific goals and some specific time constraints!!!!  

Meanwhile....it's snow.........

Priorities

I got out and ran yesterday.  I sooo didn't want to.  I did pictures on Saturday of an 17 month old little girl.  That (for me at least..cuz that's how I operate) involves lots of me squatting and crouching to be on her level.   Can we say and hour and a half of squats REALLY hurts the next day (and two days later to). However, I knew that we were to be getting a snow storm and that meant that running outdoors (and even making it to my gym..which is 20-30 minuts away)  was not going to happen.  So out I went.  Yeah, it was brutal...but I did it!

My eating this past weekend has been anything but healthy.  I've not been horribly over on my calorie count, but I've made horrible choices!   My stomach has been letting me know that it's ready for some wholesome nutritious food!

 The while back I found myself saying to myself  "Why doesn't that lady get her teeth fixed"   It bothered me.  Because seriously, a trip to the dentist isn't that difficult.   (yeah, I know....financial matters keeps some people from the dentist...sad state of our world, but it does happen....and I also know that some people have horrible teeth that are very difficult to maintain and keep healthy...I understand that sometimes dental healthy is out of someones control).   I wasn't being judgemental, I was just observing that when someone has teeth that are rotting in their head you'd think that they would make it a priority to get them looked at.   But then I stopped dead in my thinking.  Wow...someone could look at me and say "That girl is fat...you'd think she would see it and make it a priority in her life!"

That thought brought me up short for a few different reasons.  Number one. I haven't made it a priority.  What the hell was I thinking?????   HOw did I let it get that way?   But secondly......it NEEDS to be a priority!!!!!!!!!  This weight loss thing has GOT to be m priority!!!