It was early, right after 6AM (hey, that’s early for me) and I was in my car heading down the road. I had decided that this morning I was going to run on the canal (C&O canal). I saw a local family putting their kayaks up on their cars (large family…took two cars apparently). I saw this family loading their kayaks and I had that momentary thought that “wow that would be the kind of family that I always wanted to have as an adult”. Now, honestly, part of that was said in sadness that I don’t have the kids and family that I always dreamt of. But there was some awe that ‘fat MaryFran’ would actually be seriously thinking about such an active lifestyle with longing). All of sudden I had an epiphany. Yeah, sometimes it happens that way….one second you are mindlessly driving and the next minute you have thought of something utterly profound. Anyway, my thoughts and how they progressed.
It’s no secret that in December I had a really difficult time with facing up to the fact that my life is not what or where I wanted it to be. (sorry, I can’t post links on my phone so you get the web address…really classy eh?http://mfclingan.blogspot.com/2012/12/turning-40.html) I had dreams all my life and I had to face up to that fact. I accepted the responsibility that my decisions in life have brought me to this position in life. I accept my roll. But it wasn’t until today that I realized what I actually did to bring me to this point.
The problem? I had so many dreams and hopes for my future. The problem? I dreamed the dreams of a thin person. When I dreamed I had myself being active and fit and healthy. I dreamed about things that would happen but really only if I were thin. I dreamed the dreams of a thin person.
The problem was reality. I wanted everything that a thin life can offer a person. I wanted the large family. I wanted the family that threw the kayaks on the car (ok ok ok, maybe not kayaks, but the CONCEPT) and went off for the day, skis in the winter. I wanted that. I wanted so much. Reality lead me down the path to where I am today. When I dated, got engaged and eventually married I gravitated toward a person that had a similar lifestyle to mine. What lifestyle am I talking about? We both had relatively sedentary lifestyles. Oh yeah, we dabbled in active pursuits, he had a bike and I bought one and we rode…but for the most part, we were sedentary. We both loved our food and therefore made it an integral part of our life. My decisions in life were based upon the reality that I was a fat girl.
Thin dreams collided with the reality of a fat lifestyle. I never took the initiative to be the thin person that was IN my dreams and now I don’t like the fallout. But it’s not too late to change. Some dreams are pretty much totally dead (sadly enough) but I can still change my life to enable thin dreams to come to fruition.
I was a self fulfilled prophecy this morning. I woke up early and actually dragged myself out of bed for my run. As I walked across the bedroom my legs felt like they were anchors on the bottom of my body. In fairness, I wake up many days with my body stiff and achy from whatever torture, er exercise that I put it through the day before. However, In my mind I was thinking, “This is NOT going to be a good run.” Regardless, I pushed onward. I planned to do between three and four miles on the canal. I started off and immediately I felt heavy. I felt like I was going ‘fast’ but I could tell that my heart rate was way to low for me to be pushing it. I just didn’t have it today. I did manage to complete 3.5 miles and I’m considering that the victory today. I have an average pace of 13:18 (which is about a minute slower than my current overall average), so I was slow. So my question is this…. Was my body just sluggish today or did I take the random “early morning tightness aches and pains” and make a comment that then turned into a self fulfilled prophecy? No matter, I ran and that’s what matters!
I’ll kill it on Thursday which is my next scheduled run day. Up on the exercise docket next? Zumba tonight.
Tomorrow is a riding day. Not any ride….a road bike ride tomorrow (can’t conquer it if I’m not out there putting the miles on my bike and my body) and if I can talk Todd into it, a ride on the canal tomorrow also (I’m good with pulling out my Trek….it probably feels unloved!
5 comments:
Somedays just getting out there and doing it is the victory and it is usually way harder than when the miles just seem to roll off at a fast pace. Fly when you can, and grind em out when you have to.
IT;S OK THAT YOU HAD DREAMS OUTSIDE YOUR GRASP THAT'S WHY YOU ARE REACHING FOR THEM! AND GUESS WHAT IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO FULFIL ALL THOSE DREAMS YOU'RE NOT 140 LMAO! SO I SAY DUST EM OFF AND DANGLE EM OUT THERE AND THEN DO YOUR GORRAM BEST TO MAKE EM HAPPEN NOW! (I know I'm screaming I'm passionate about my friends and the advice I give them!)
Thought provoking post! I like the quotes you used as pictures with this one.
Don't give up the family dream. My 46 year old friend gave birth to TWINS two years ago! They had just started talking about adopting when she found out she was pregnant, so that's another way to get a big family! (just ask Angelina Jolie!) ;-)
I hate running in the morning. I seriously have to push myself to get up, and that's only after I repeat in my head the night before that "I HAVE to get up or I will not have a run tomorrow" until I fall asleep.
I have noticed that when I am able to drag myself out of bed at the ungodly hour of 5:30am and go run, I am always about a min per mile slower than my average in my afternoon or evening runs. It's discouraging to me, BUT at least I got my run in. :-)
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