On the down low no more

The other day I was asked why I’ve kept this blog a secret for so long. Yes, I’m working on year 7 and most of my friends and virtually none of my family know (or rather knew) of its existence. Ok, I may have mentioned it in passing but never more than a brief comment that never allowed for more in depth questioning. It was a secret. Yes, I garnered quite a few readers that have come and gone over the years while I’ve been writing on here. So lots of people read this blog but just not people that are close to me….and at this point it’s not an issue anymore; I don’t need it to be a private affair. It has just been this way for so long that I am not used to announcing to the world about my weight loss blog. That’s why I was ok and started the facebook page, because I’m ready to allow the world to see me raw and open and brutally honest with myself. So when I was asked why I kept it hush hush for so long, I kind of stammered and didn’t know what to say. I believe I answered something like “I didn’t think you would be interested in the rise and fall of my weight”. But I have to be honest. That’s really not why I kept it so hush hush. I kept it quiet out of total embarrassment. It is embarrassing to admit that you allowed your weight to skyrocket to 315 pounds. It is embarrassing to admit that you have to take a breather because you are so out of breath when you reach the top of a flight of stairs that you feel as if your heart is going to explode. It’s embarrassing to admit that your morbid obesity caused you to ruin your knees by the time you were age 28. Yes, anyone that looked at me could see that I had fallen into the sedentary life of an obese person, but actually writing it all down is embarrassing raw and brutal. It’s embarrassing, plain and simple embarrassing. HOWEVER, out of that initial embarrassment has grown a sense of pride. Ohh I’m still ashamed that I let it get that bad. I’m still ashamed that I didn’t stop the spiral into obesity years ago. But there is a HUGE sense of pride right now. I am 93.1 pounds down from my highest weight. That is a huge accomplishment. I know that my words have helped other people get past a difficult time; just like reading other blogs have helped me get over humps in this journey. What started out as a cathartic way to keep track of my emotions and thoughts on this journey has become so much more. It still operates as my accountability on a daily basis. It is still my cathartic outlet. But even more importantly, it is my badge of pride. I don’t care who sees it….It’s my journey and I’m proud of what I have done. (that said, I think if my mom were reading all these entries she would just cry…so maybe not mom! Ha ha ha…but If she ever finds it and reads through it…..I LOVE YOU MOM!)

I do not believe I shared my weight loss report from my ‘official weigh in’ on Sunday. (Maybe I did and I’m just having a brain dead moment…that is highly possible). I lost 1.3 pounds for a total lose of 93.1 and 29.5 since January. Yes, I am VERY close to getting my next charm for my bracelet! I’m sooooooo close in fact that when I weighed myself on Monday (and today also) I weighed in at 222.8 which is my 30 pound mark…which means that if I can hold that loss this week, that I will be buying my new charm. I do believe I’m going to commemorate these 10 pounds with a bike charm…..since I did buy my new bike! (thanks Sherry for the idea!) J I just have to wait until Sunday when I see my good weight on my OFFICIAL weigh in day.

Monday was a total bust for me. I had such grand plans too. I had planned to get up and ride a bit in the morning. Then I would work and then I would go to my social hour (AKA zumba). I got up early and made breakfast for Todd and I and I sent him on his merry way at 7. By the time I had cleaned up from breakfast I almost couldn’t function. I was exhausted and my body just ached and felt heavy. I KNEW riding my bike was out. I curled up in bed and luckily had the presence of mine to set my alarm, because I had to be at work at 10. Lucy, Ethel and Desi (the three oldest cats) were in their glory as they nestled up against me. The next thing I knew the alarm was going off. I had slept 2 hours. I was still determined to carry on, so I carted my gym bag to work with me. However, work was a struggle. I just couldn’t function. My mind was fuzzy and it was a chore to get through the day. Through most of the day I still entertained a delusional thought that I could actually make it to zumba. By the time I got off work, I knew it wasn’t going to happen. I stumbled home and curled up on the couch for the evening.

Tuesday morning dawned and I awoke feeling somewhat better. I laid in bed and honestly tried to talk myself out of running. But then I realized (with the help of the two motivational pieces below that I saw on FB just this morning) that I would be kicking myself if I did not do it. It was a total excuse; how I felt yesterday has no bearing on what I do today….it was an excuse and I don’t believe in excuses anymore. So I got up. I didn’t push myself. It was an easy run. Nothing spectacular but actually for supposing to be easy, it was totally average in length and actually spot on my normal time. I feel good. Slightly tired…but ok. Now just to get these 8 hours of work over so I can hit up zumba and YAY….Sherry AND Terri are both supposed to be there! I’ve so missed my zumba peeps the last few weeks!