The good, the bad and the ugly

My weight is still way up.  I seriously can't get enough water into my body.  I am stinking thirsty all the time.  So I KNOW why my weight is up.  (not only do I have to combat the super high sodium meals I've eaten of late....but it's the monthly ick time...which makes my weight pop up anyway!)  I'm OK with it.  Even though it is showing me at a 3 pound gain this week.  I was showing a maintain until the high sodium foods hit my table.  It's all good.  Life happens.




The other day I stopped to pick up a sub (sandwich) to take to Todd while he was at work.  I ordered one for my dinner also.  (No worries, I had the calories to eat it!).  I stood there waiting for the food to be ready and I found myself drooling staring at the tasty cake shelf.  I was super hungry.  It was 3:30 or 4PM and I hadn't eaten lunch yet.  I wanted to dive onto that shelf and eat to my hearts content.  In lieu of that, I REALLY wanted to get something off that shelf.  In years past I wouldn't have even stopped to pause, I would have added at least one thing to my purchase, most likely two.  I stood there and realized how very far I have come, it made it easy to walk away and say no.  The victory was mine that day as I walked out of the store with simply the two subs that I had ordered and nothing more!

Yesterday I was driving down the road.  I was occupying my mind by thinking about running.  I've been running (really it's more of a wog  a cross between a walk and a jog) for 2 months now.  It's not been a magical journey where I fell in love with the process.  It's painful....not so much physically (guess I was in better shape than I thought) but emotionally.  I have made the commitment to run through August 9th.  So I have four more months to fall in love with the sport.  But seriously, that's a long time.  Yesterday my thoughts ended up with one sentence that kept going through my head.  "Would it be quitting if I didn't run through the August 9th do or die date?"   I posed the question later to my brother and his family when they stopped by to visit.  My 12 year old nephew looked at me and said "Yeah, MaryFran!  That is totally quitting!"   So I guess I continue to run. I've quit at so much in my life.  If I want to change, it needs to be enacted!   Praying for some running love to hit me.  Right now it's just a little bit of running hate. 

Meanwhile, I'm looking forward to zumba restarting this week after a weeks break.   Even bigger news,  Sherry and I have committed to following Jillian Micheal's 30 day shred video.  We are both prepared to start tomorrow on April 1 (no that is not an April fools day joke) and complete it this month. (what a coinky dink...30 day shred and April has 30 days!).  It's going to be a busy month with zumba 2-3 times a week.  Running 3 times a week.  Thirty day shred every day and walks with sherry as many times as possible.  Ohhh and bike season is beginning so add some bike rides in there. 


SO my big thing for putting myself out there?  I have started a facebook page for my weight loss efforts.  I wanted it to be believing in myself to match my blog but alas that name was taken, so it is Believing in maryFran.  I haven't invited family yet...I'm only slowly inviting friends...and I"m picking and choosing right now.    But I know it's only a matter of time before I"m 'found out'  So ready or not, I'm announcing to the world exactly where I'm at.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  Please feel free to like my page.  https://www.facebook.com/BelievinginMaryFran   I'm kinda planning it to be a cross between my journey, recipe links and inspirational things that I find.  Motivation for me and hopefully motivation for others. 

Dehydrated Friday

I woke up thirstier than a camel.  I've been downing water like a mad woman.  My water mug/jug holds 54 ounces.  I've already had to refill it once (in fairness there is ice in it so I didn't drink 54 ounces already this morning upon editing this an hour or two later I've definitely chugged at least 54 ounces and it's not quite noon).   I'm however not surprised.  One glance at myfitnesspal makes it glaringly clear.  I ate food that was so  high in sodium that it's ridiculous.  Mexican Chicken soup is so tasty, but a bit high in sodium!    I don't usually watch sodium and I know that it will correct itself (with lots of water intake) so I'm not concerned. 

Today won't be much better.  My sodium intake for today is rather steep also.  (Probably because I'm having leftover Mexican Chicken Soup for lunch...and quite possibly dinner).   I tried a new recipe this morning.   I am calling it the Sausage Ring of fire.  OK, the "of fire" is my own addition, just because I'm a bit of a geek.  ~~giggling~~  OK OK OK, I'm simply calling it a Sausage Ring.  It is a bit too 'meaty' for me.  The meat flavor was to heavy for a gal that prefers to go meatless.  However, I thought it was still good.  Todd absolutely loved it.  He actually said it rivals his all time favorite breakfast.  So I guess I'll be making it again. 

Yesterday I didn't plan as well as I thought.  We ended up eating lunch really early, 10:30 AM.  That in itself is not an issue.  The issue is that I didn't plan on eating anything until dinner......which ended up not being until about 8:30.  Uhhhh in case you didn't catch that...  I went about 10 hours without any food to eat.  I realized my mistake at about 3 or 4 PM.  I scrounged around in my drawer at work and found a granola bar.  It was a bit old, but it tasted pretty good.  I was still hungry but that held me until my late dinner.  Of course I chowed down like a starving pig when I hit the dinner table.  GRRRRRR

 

I'm continuing to work on some other ways to reach out and 'be'.  One of them scares the living doo doo out of me because of how "OUT THERE" it really is.  I've written on this blog for years.  I've been transparently raw.   Some friends and family don't even know I have a blog.  Some people vaguely know I have a blog but have never shown any interest. (However, they could find me should they really look.)  I'm going to take a step that opens myself up even further and opens up this blog in a way that I'm not sure I'm totally ready for.....but my new plan is to live fearlessly.....so here goes nothing.  So there will be more on that soon!

 

Writing may be difficult today....I got a new computer here at work.  Joy of joy's, Word is not installed....uhhhhhh GREAT.  I guess I'll be focusing on adding calorie counts to my website!

 

 

Ho Hum kinda of day

Just because I don't have much to say, It doesn't mean I'm not 'workin' it'.   Yesterday I went out for a run!

My time wasn't the greatest.  I've said time and time  that I'm slow as molasses.  So really is there any way to go for me other than to get faster?   This time does include me walking for 5 minutes to warm up and about 5-7 minutes to cool down.   I also didn't run it straight.  I ran between 3-5 minutes and then walked a minute...repeatedly.  So my time includes the walking segments.  (maybe some day soon I will be able to afford a heart rate monitor...I'm looking at one for $150.  I want the one that has GPS, so I don't have to drain my battery life on my phone to run the GPS.   I think the heart rate monitor would also help me figure out some of my breathing issues.  Is my heart rate connected to this breathing issue thing......yesterday started out with choppy breathing but SOMEHOW I managed to pull it under control).

Eating I'm holding on.  Nothing out of control but nothing earth shatteringly good if that makes any sense. Steady with my calories.  Haven't seen much movement on the scales during my daily weigh ins.  But I'm OK with that. 

I'm trying to not focus on the bad.  I so want to just curl up and cry.  Things aren't changing in my life....well other than me.  I'm changing my lifestyle.  But financial and maritally things are stagnant and depressing as bat dung. (which is highly toxic, in case you wanted to know some trivia).  I don't know what to do for those things.  So I'm going to do all that I think I can do at this point.  I'm going to try to ignore them.  Continue to drown my sadness in focusing on my weight loss.  I've been saying that I want to start writing again.  I aim to do just that.  I'm re instituting my word count goal for each day. 1000 words a day.  I can do it! 

 

Meanwhile, I also want to update my recipe website.  I have been lazy about putting the calories onto the pages of late.  I haven't taken yummy photographs of meals.  I also have a TON of recipes that have to be entered into the website.  I want to get that updated.   I also want to go back and update my weight loss page and put in my weights as far back as I can pull the documentation for.  I'd like to see how fast I lost....where my other 'maintains' occurred.  Just for a side by side reference!  So I have lots of projects to complete!   

Speed Demon

Yesterday's exercise plans got shot out of the water with the snow.  I didn't make it out for my morning run and I didn't make my evening trip to the gym that I had planned.  GRRR   I spent about 30 minutes outside in the morning shoveling and walking.  I then followed up in the evening with a 30 minute step aerobic dvd.  (which kicked my butt!).  SO I still maintained a somewhat active day.  VICTORY!  (however I caved and had a diet soda after my step aerobic workout....oh well, my water consumption was in, so it's not a bad splurge!)

This morning I was up and out the door shortly after 7AM.  Why so early?  I had a make up run to do!  (remember, yesterday's run was canceled due to snow)  I was nervous at first. MY car was covered in a layer of ice and our deck was one slippery mess.  However, the roads were fine.

Snow covered fields at sunrise

I have decided what I'm going to do to increase my speed while I run.  I have decided to run intervals. I've read different views on increasing speed.  Some say intervals, some say run up a steep grade hill and jog back down and repeat at least 10 times (which sounds like an incredibly intense workout...I will probably torture myself with that sooner or later).  Some people just say run and force yourself to better your time each and every day.  I'm going to simply run intervals.  I am going to try to pushy myself harder during my intervals, since I know that I will have a period of rest after the run.  My plan?  I still plan on running three times a week.  Two runs will be interval runs and the third run will be a straight up jog/run.  My third straight up (no interval) run will be timed and recorded so that I can hopefully see my progress.   I had actually found a great (free) app for my phone a while back, and never used it as I swung through the C25K program.  It's called RunNow.  You can set the length of your run intervals and walk/jog intervals.  You can change how it notifies you when it's time to run/walk and it notifies you when you are at the halfway mark (in case you are running an out and back).  I used it today.  My play list played just fine with this program also running....and the voice did a nice job of notifying me when I needed to change up my pace.  It doesn't have a GPS program built into that app (maybe that's because I have the free option!  LOL)  but I just turned on one of the apps that I have on my phone (mapmyride is a free one). Maybe someday soon I can afford a heart rate monitor that has that built in so I don't have to zap the power on my phone when I'm running!    But for now everything running on my phone works just fine.  I can't wait to see how I progress.  I would LOVE to be under 40 minutes for my next 5k (May 18th) but I will be happy with ANY improvement!   I will conquer this running thing ....in a few months you can just call me "speed demon!"

Bird brains and defunct plans

Well, best laid plans always seem to fall apart.  I had a run scheduled for this morning....and a trip to the gym planned for tonight.  Yes, I did.  And I was determined to do it.  However, the forecasters FINALLY got the weather forecast of snow correct. (They've predicted snow every week at least once, more often than not twice and every time we dodge the bullet and get nothing).  Well, this time they got it right.  We have about 4 inches and it's still coming down.   I don't relish having a broken bone from slipping on snow and ice so I decided to forego the run. (and as for tonight, it's supposed to snow all day long...so driving 30-40 minutes to the gym will probably be out also...yes my gym is that far away...EVERYTHING is pretty much that far away from my house)  I did go out for about 15 minutes and shovel. (that's all it took or I would have gladly shoveled longer...more exercise).  I then walked down the road for a bit and also stopped and took some pictures of the grateful birds at our bird feeder and on the surrounding trees.  I will definitely be exercising more tonight.  Todd and I are talking about a walk on the canal and I am setting a date with my step aerobic video! While the snow messed up my plans, I will admit that it is it is pretty.  The good thing?   Within a few days it is supposed to be in the upper 50's!  Dare I hope that spring is actually here for good! 

 

My weight, well although I'm taking my Sunday weight as my official weight.   So my official weekly weigh in is 231.1, this morning my scales showed me at 229.7.  HOT DOG!!!!!  My weight almost always drops between Sunday and Monday...go figure!...maybe I SHOULD go back to Monday weigh ins!  Ha ha ha....no matter what it does, as long as it is going down, that's all that matters!  :-)  And I'm determined to see that it DOES drop!

Race report

I tried to go to bed early on Friday night.  I wanted to be fresh and ready to run, not tired and worn out.  I slept restlessly though.  I had dreams.  Weirdly enough I 'think' they were dreams about running.  I woke up before the alarm and laid in bed and relaxed a bit, doing my normal (and favorite) wake up routine.  When my alarm went off I rolled out of bed and got ready for my day.  I was excited.  I had vowed a lot of things through the last few weeks of this running training.  I had vowed to run the whole thing.  I had vowed to beat my turkey trot numbers.  I had vowed to do this and that.  Finally just this last week I changed my vow to "Do my best and have fun!"   

Sherry and I met up early and arrived at the race site.  We were ready!   Of course we stopped and had to have our pictures taken with the Sweet Frogs! (and yes, I will be using the 10% off coupon to get some frozen yogurt at one of the sweet frogs stores!)

We got out timer chips and we walked around for about 45 minutes, making sure that we visited the portapotties and kept moving.  We watched (from a distance) the kids run.  Some of those kids were like lightening!          Finally it was our turn to congregate at the start line.  We moved into place...and then we waited....and waited....and waited.  OK, so it was maybe only 5 or 10 minutes.  Finally after hearing the instructions for the race a few times (they were running two different courses of 5K and one course of a 10 k simultaneously so they  had to make sure everyone knew which routes to follow) we were off.  Sherry and I headed out onto the road.  It was a road that we run each week but it felt so odd to be running on the middle of the road and surrounded by tons of people!.  

 

About this time I realized that my research was wrong and we were running the FITNESS course and not the FUN 5k course!  OOPS!

 

Within the first few minutes of running my breathing was labored.  Really? I thought I had that under control????    Sherry even noticed it.  Before I said anything to her (I was trying to get it under control on my own without bringing it up) she started counting my breaths for me out loud.  She knows my breathing pattern that I am following (3-2-3-2-3-2).  I tried.  I really tried.  But it just wasn't happening.  We had to stop and walk relatively early.  GRRRRR.  We walked about a minute and then picked back up on the running.  My breathing was still messed up.  We ran and walked alternately for about the first mile.  Then something happened and my breathing somehow settled down.  At about the one mile mark I heard someone coming up behind us.  It was a lone girl...she was running at about the pace that we ran at.  We stayed relatively close to her.  We would walk and she would pass us.  She would walk and we would pass her.  

 

At about the 2 mile mark Sherry started to feel sick.  I didn't have any complaints about walking.  My breathing was somewhat under control, but seriously...once it's out of whack my whole body does not function correctly.   We walked and jogged intermittently the rest of the race.  Our bodies fought us but we persevered.  I was so happy that I was with her.  Her presence helped pull me through.  And yes....we crossed the finish line with smiles on our faces (or maybe they were grimaces!)           

We did it!   We did not run the whole thing...but we DID manage to beat my turkey trot time.  By a few minutes!   We also DID manage to have fun! This was a nice small race.  The turkey trot was huge in comparison.  This one  was small an intimate.  I liked it.  If I'm running next year....this one will definitely be on my list. (although I my chose the FUN course next year....but then again, I may be READY for the fitness course!)  

 

This morning I woke up and just felt sick and utterly exhausted.  So I went back to bed and slept for a few hours.  Exercise was put on the back burner.  I may do something tonight. But I'm not pushing it.  My body is telling me to slow down.  I WILL listen to my bodies needs!

The number game

Yesterday I was talking to a friend.  I was talking about the focus on numbers.  It is so easy to get totally immersed and obsessed with numbers on this journey.   It starts with the calories.(or points for when I was a WW girl).  I swim in the calorie count of the food.  I wallow in my caloric budget.  I jump for joy at the earned calories.  It's numbers....numbers....numbers.   As if that isn't enough to be focused on, I then live for the number on the scale.  I step on the scale and hold my breath waiting to see what number I will be blessed/cursed with.  I obsess about that number too.   And then I started running and all of a sudden there is a whole new realm of numbers.  How long can I run/jog before I have to walk.  How many miles?  Pace?   GRRRRR

At the beginning of the year I refused to set goal weight resolutions.  Instead I decided to just do what was right and allow the weight to come off in it's own time.  Does that mean that I'm not tracking my progress?  No.  I still track by weighing myself.  But I'm trying to take the focus off of the numbers.  That got me to thinking.  If I was in perfect shape would the numbers really matter?  If I was fit and active and all my healthy indicators (cholesterol, bp, etc etc etc) were in check would I be obsessed with the number.  What about if I looked like I was a size 6 but really weighted 250 pounds. Would I still be obsessed with the number?  How warped is my mind right now about the numbers?   I'm trying to learn to 'KNOW' the numbers but to not obsess with them.  I'm trying to take the focus off the numbers.

The numbers are not important to me.  I'm focusing on the benefits that my body is getting from these changes.  OK, that's what I'm trying to convince myself. Will I ever fully succeed....probably not, but if I can at least not obsesses with the numbers than I will call it a victory!


So tomorrow is a 5K on the battlefield.  I'm registered and ready to run! Sherry and I have decided to try to run it.  However, we are both in agreement that we are going to do what our bodies allow. If we end up walking more, so be it.  For a while we were totally focused on the number  "have to beat this" or "do that".   Yesterday we talked and that is not the focus any longer. The focus is the victory of completion!

All this talk about taking away the focus on the numbers, last week I hit my 20 pound mark. (big loss....probably gonna be a small loss this week, but I'm OK with that).  So on Monday I ordered my next charm.  I chose a tennis shoe.  During this 10 pounds I really worked on this running thing.  The jury is out if I will continue, but this 10 pounds lost can be identified with running....and also the shoe can mark the victory of actually completing the couch to 5k training program.  (pardon the weird picture...I don't know how in the world I had my hand when I took the picture, but my hand really looks deformed.....it's not!)

Planning

Planning is the key.  I was somewhat worried about this upcoming week.  Anita my zumba instructor is taking the week off (she takes a week here and there).  Typically on those weeks I also take the week off.  I didn't want to do it.  I don't want to take a week off of exercise.  That's not acceptable to me. I also know that according to the c25k program that I have been following that I will no longer be sitting around with a 'training run' that needs to be completed. Knowing that I have that waiting to complete really is a good motivator for me!  Ohhhh this is bad...no set in stone zumba and no training runs that NEED to be completed. I knew I had to come up with a plan.

I have been planning out our meals for quite some time.  I start by sitting down with my work schedule and Todd's every changing work schedule for the week and I first of all figure out which (if any) meals we will be eating together.  At that point I know which meals I need to plan for.  I try to plan our meals and place them throughout the menu strategically so that they can be easily used as leftovers.  I then make my grocery list from that.  Todd usually eats the leftovers and I eat fruits and veggies for the meals that we are not together (ok ok ok, my work lunch is lots of fruits and veggies.....but  if you know me you will know that I usually eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich if I'm home alone for dinner...no I refuse to give up my pb&j...and well, since I don't eat much meat, the peanut butter is a good source of nutrients for me).   This week I took it a step further.   I laid out our meals.  I laid out Todd's leftover meals.  I then went onto myfitnesspal and I put in all the planned meals and filled in my other meals.  I know exactly what I am eating for one week. When it comes time to pack my lunch there is no question.  I can tell you what I'm packing next Friday! Of course there is room for adjustments.  This is life and adjustments are always happening.    As if that wasn't enough.  As I mentioned earlier my exercise was in danger.  Not from me...I was determined but it was in danger because the routine was going to be shaken.  So I took the menu planning one step further.  I planned out when I would be exercising..such as running in the AM or PM.....gym in the AM or PM....which gym I would be going to....and even if I would be doing a class at the gym.  There is definitely room within my planned schedule for those little "I think I can throw in a little walk or a little exercise dvd or some minutes using the Xbox kinnect. Always room for that...but my core workouts are planned and scheduled!   And then because I'm a geek, I put it onto a spreadsheet and printed it up for the door of the refrigerator!  


Planning is going to see me through this journey and planning is going to keep my weight off when I lose!  There is no ifs ands or buts about it.  I may have doubted it and wondered if I could at one point.  But not it's not a want...it's not a try....it is definitely I WILL succeed!!

Lies!

I got home from zumba last night.  I made my dinner and was sitting there eating when Todd came home.  I could barely put a coherent sentence together.  For some reason I was just exhausted.  I headed to bed and was asleep shortly after 9PM.  I had planned on making potato salad and packing my gym bag in the evening thus clearing up my morning to hit the road for my second to last C25K training run.  I momentarily thought about it but decided that since I was going to bed so early, I knew I would be up super early and that there would be no problem completing everything.   How wrong I was.  I didn't wake up until 8AM!  (not a problem for work because I didn't have to be at work until 10AM, but I had stuff that needed to be done) Thus began the mad hectic dash of my morning.


I have struggled with running this week.  It's been a mental thing.  I am nearing the end of this c25k training program.  I have tried this program time and time again and each time I have given up right about week 3 or 4.  So to make it to week 8 is incredible.  I know that my struggle to continue is not because of fear that I can't do it.  I have  done a 28 minute run so the next run shouldn't have been an issue.  True, I had my dismal run on Friday stuck in the back of my head, but seriously....the END IS IN SIGHT!   The old MaryFran started to doubt that I could do this c25k thing...even though I'm almost done.  For some reason I began to struggle with continuing.  Yes, I seriously contemplated quitting the program...on freakin' week 8 day 2!  What in the world?   I tell you...the mind is really where this weight loss battle (and healthy lifestyle...and exercise) is won or lost!   Once I realized that it is all in my head I said "HECK NO!"  I'm not giving up!  I've given up 4 or more times before on this training program and it just makes me have to restart it.  NO MORE!!!!!  This time I WILL finish!

So out I went.  And yes!  I did it! I ran the whole time I needed to run.  WEEEE!    But I'm coming to the conclusion that the C25K training program is a lie.  A big fat juicy lie.   I have done it religiously.  And I'm almost done.  It has got me running and for that I'm most decidedly grateful.  but,  it's more like a couch to 3.5 k training program.   Yes, I'm only doing about 2 miles in my allotted time.  Those LIARS!

This morning my music was perfect for me.  Songs would come on and just make me smile.  Seriously...when I'm doing something so perfect and good for my body how could I NOT smile when Right Said Fred's song "I'm Too Sexy" came on.  But the song that got me today was Twisted Sister...."We're not Gonna take it!"   No, I am NOT going to accept my obesity anymore.  I'm not gonna take it!  I'm gonna fight it for all it's worth!  

Self inflicted pain

Why do I do it to myself?  Seriously!

I have a love hate relationship with the scales.  I used to be a proponent of daily weighing (and I will probably do that again when I am at my goal weight...to keep myself focused).  But this go round, I'm sitting back and trying to take the pressure off the number. So once a week is what I'm trying to do. I admit that I sneak a peak here and there, but I'm for the most part trying to stay away from the scales because I don't want to obsess.  This past weekend I decided to move my weigh in day until Sunday.  I had originally been emailing weights out to a Sunday challenge and also a Monday challenge...and I was using my Monday challenge as my official weight.  But the Monday challenge has folded and while the group is still around and making small noises, the Monday weigh in has sunk into the pits of oblivion.  Not a problem.  So I decided to make Sunday my official.  I weighed on Sunday.  I showed a loss! In fact, I hit my next 10 pound goal! (new charm is ordered for my charm reward bracelet already).  21 pounds gone since January 1.  (83.2 pounds total from my highest).  I stayed away from the scales on Monday...no problem.  This morning though.  I don't know what possessed me.  First of all I was dressed (Yes, I weigh in the nude!) and secondly I had tacos last night.  Do you know how much sodium is in the taco seasoning alone??????   My weight was up...substantially  My heart sank and I'm fighting off the spiraling negative thoughts.  I don't want another week of 'maintain'. I want to lose again.  I want to blow this weight out of the water.  And I'm depressed about seeing the higher number again.  GRRRR      But that is all self destructive.  If I allow myself to wallow in the NUMBERS I will begin to believe that I can't do it.  I KNOW I can.  This journey really is won in the  mind.  


Exercise today was scheduled to be a run this morning and zumba this evening.  I woke up and Todd wanted/needed breakfast at about 7:30.  I would have had to go out running at 6 or 6:30 this morning in order to eat first...I won't make the mistake of running after I eat twice) I would have been fine..but that early scared me.  Slipping on ice is NOT conducive to health.  So I postponed my run until tomorrow morning. (meaning I'll have two back to back runs, but that's OK also).  I wallowed a bit in my depressive thoughts about the number on the scale...but then I said "screw that" and I got up. (enough time and passed and I knew that I could get in a 1/2 hour exercise...just not enough time to get out and run) I dug out my steps and the original step aerobic DVD that I purchased years upon years ago.  I had religiously done step aerobics at one point during my original weight loss efforts but I eventually put it aside and never came back to it. Today was the day to resurrect step aerobics.  I set everything up and I was rolling stepping.  I have to say...I was sweating it up and my legs were feeling it!  I love that feeling (yeah yeah, I'm sadistic!)   Amazing....I remember when I stopped doing the DVDs that my body thought they were easy.  I love changing up exercises just for that purpose!  I of course had an audience while I exercised.....and I had to clear out the kitties who wanted to check out the steps and play around the steps!  But I got in 30 minutes of good exercise this morning (and low and behold....my calories burned are fantastic for step aerobics!)

I'm not really sure how I want to integrate the scales into my life this go round.  The obsession to check my weight is too great to ignore. I know this.  I just have to make my obsession (I never was one to weigh throughout the day...just once...in the morning) coexist in a peaceful way with my psyche.  Maybe it WOULD be better if i weighed daily again.  At least then I would be seeing a TRUE number instead of these stupid 'bobbles' that I am catching a glimpse of!  

Choices

    We have choices within our lives.  So many choices.  We make choices each and every minute and every hour.  The choices that we make show our character and commitment.  I am making choices that will propel me down a path of healthy lifestyle.                                                             Part of my system that I have adopted for this journey is that I sit down (usually in the evening) and plan out my eating for the following day.  That way when I wake up there is little or no confusion about what I am eating or what I am to put into my lunch box.  I know the plan.  That is not saying that there is no room for change.  There is.  But for the most part I have it all planned.  Yesterday was no different. I sat down and planned out my food for today in the evening.  I planned what I would be eating.  I was on top of it. I knew that I would be about 50-100 calories over, but I wasn't bothered.  Monday nights are a zumba night and I earn a ton of calories in an average zumba hour.  NO PROBLEM.

So this morning I woke up and I went into the kitchen.  I made the planned breakfast for Todd and I.  I packed his lunch, I prepped a bit for dinner (it's a zumba night so that means I'll be back late and it's nice to have some of the prep work completed before hand) and I put my lunch together.  As I was doing all this I realized that I had forgotten to put a huge component from one of my meals into myfitnesspal.  A 150 calorie mistake.  that would put me 250 plus calories over my daily budget. (I try to not use too many of my earned calories.  I eat no more than 100 of my earned calories.  I just don't lose if I do....that's the way my body works.)  I pondered what I wanted to do.  Each meal was halfway made so it would be somewhat difficult to switch directions in mid stream. I carried on with the preparations as planned, including that all so important component.  I had made my choice.


What choices did I have?  
I had the choice to scrap the food totally (thereby wasting money and food)

I had the choice to throw up my hands and eat the additional calories and act like nothing was out of line.

I had the choice to add a bit more exercise into my day to EARN the additional calories. 

Choices.  So important in life.

Yes, I got on the exercise bike and rode 30 minutes which netted me enough calories to just barely cover my over expenditure for the day.  

The crazy thing??????  I got to work and realized almost immediately (don't even ask why I realized it it just hit me like a ton of bricks) that I forgot the cheese on my salad...which actually dropped me down 80 calories.  All my stressin' was for naught!     It's all good, an additional spurt of exercise will NOT hurt me!  :-)

Emotion Flare up

Sherry asked me this morning if I'm noticing anything different since I've been doing this running thing. I really thought about it.   Physically, I don't see a difference.  People around me have noticed.  My husband asked me the other day if I was losing weight...because he could see it. (I was happy for the compliment but also shaking my head because what does he think I've been doing with all the healthy food....with all the hours of exercise...constantly logging onto myfitnesspal...haa haa haa).  A coworker also said she noticed my clothes just simply fitting me better and not so tight (which is funnier still because I"m also down a size).   But honestly...I do not see a difference.    The difference I personally see is in my mental state.  Before I started running I was going to give it a try.  I didn't know if it would work.  I wasn't sure of it.  I was just going to attempt.  Somewhere along the way I figured out that I COULD do it.  I had it in me.  There really is an athlete inside me. She's been lurking around trying to come out....I just need to work to set her free.  And I WILL set her free.  That said, Sherry and I talked quite a bit about running.  I'm still not sure that running will be my thing.  I have committed to run through this next weekend when I run a 5k on the battlefield.  I have paid for and committed to run in the Paws on the Pavement 5k on May 18th.  I have also vowed that on August 9th I would run in the Donut Alley Rally.  August 9th will be my determining run/race.  As long as my body cooperates (not including aches and pains), I will be running through August 9th.  At that point I will reevaluate. 

I've been sitting back and thinking about my exercise from last week.  The exercise hell week.  Yes, that exercise that I had to really push myself to do, even through the lethargy and heavy as lead legs.  Why?  I have no conclusive answers.  It could have been just something as simple as my body cycle or it could have been something even more simple as my body was fighting off my husband's cold. (the cold he's had for weeks....and I only hd for 3 days...pays to be healthy and fit!)  It could have been anything.  However, it hit me this morning that last week was a rough week for me emotionally too.  It hit me this morning that the emotions may have played a part in my issues.  I struggled this last week. I struggled with the overwhelming loneliness that is part of my life.  The overwhelming need to be simply held, accepted and supported.  Yes, things that I should be getting in my marriage.  I know they are missing and it bothers me. Last week I wallowed in the sadness.  Last week it got the best of me.  Could that have had something to do with the issues exercising?  I'm not sure.  I don't know how to shake the emotions.  I do know this........I'm pushing through it and I'm NOT GIVING UP!

Lethargy

This past week has been a total lesson in perseverance.  Exercise has not come easily.  I've done it...and I'm proud to say that I did through all the lethargy I managed to  rack up just about 7 hours of exercise between Monday morning and Friday bedtime.  But it was pure will power.  It did not come easily.  It ached, my legs felt heavy and dead.  It was not good.  I took off Thursday from exercise and I was back at it yesterday...just for my run.  Oh my word...I totally fell apart during the run.  I had to stop three or four times and walk.  My breathing got so totally out of whack that I fell apart.  I also attribute my breathing falling apart on some of the lethargy in my legs.  I know that my muscles need good oxygen to be fueled and I know that I was not giving the muscles what they needed (not by choice).

Onward I move though.  I'm taking today off again.  And Tomorrow I'll be back at 'em.   We are going to do a practice 5K because one week from today we will be participating in our 5K.  I've not run a 5k yet.  I've run 2 miles....but not a 5k (which is a hair over 3 miles).  We are OK with what we are doing.  If we have to walk for minute intervals we are OK with it.  We are going to do it...and we know that each time we do do it, we will be bettering ourselves!

Rambling Randomness

I don't have anything to say today.  I know...anyone that knows me in real life is probably wondering if I have a fever because I can usually NEVER not want to talk..  So in lieu of writing a post, I'll write a few bullet points to indicate my day/mood/progress

~  My weight is staying the same.  I'm not seeing my weight go down, so I haven't recouped the gain from last week as of yet.  I'm disgusted but not worried, I'm eating right and doing what I need to be doing.  It will drop.

~ I have a run/jog planned for today.  I just couldn't get moving this morning and then made breakfast.  So I have my clothes and I plan on going immediately following work.  I'm not even going to stop at my house to change...I will change here and go straight to the battlefield to jog (less excuses crop up)

~  My food is on target and has been really good this week. I've been very close to my caloric budge and have exercised and done what I needed to do.

~ My hip is giving me grief.  I've always known that I've had a touch of arthritis in my hip....and it has reared it's ugly head this week.  I'm just going to work to stretch it out keep going.  If I have to slow down my exercise or whatever than I will.  Right now I'm OK.  Health and safety first though.

~  Struggling with a loneliness that is born out of some of the marital issues that I face. It threatens to overwhelm me sometimes and right now is one of them.

~ I'm realizing that I struggle with saying no and standing up for what I want.  I don't want to hurt any ones feelings.  Not sure how I can change...because this truly is a facet of my personality.  I guess as long as I stand up and make sure that my needs are being met and I'm not putting myself low on the totem pole of importance.

Listening

I have been doing great with my eating and exercise this week.  Spot on.  I went to zumba all three nights.  I took a walk on the canal with Todd (until he whined that it was too cold) and I have done my two scheduled runs (Monday and Wednesday...next is scheduled for Friday).   Rockin' it!

The problem?  My exercise this week has been a real struggle.  HUGE struggle. I've done it.  Mondays run was OK...the front end was rough but it did even out and I felt much better toward the back end.  Zumba has been a study of perseverance....mind over matter.  But I've done it.   Last night as I was got to zumba I notice my right hip really bothering me.  I pushed through it.  Eased it down a bit, basically hoping that the movement and stretching afterward would ease it up...and honestly it did help.

I got home last night and I was WHIPPED.  I vowed to make it an easy workout day today...maybe just a walk or a light spin on my exercise bike.  However, I woke up this morning and feel like I was hit by a train.  I'm sore and achy and just plain tired.  GRRRR  So guess what?  This is a day of rest now.   Above all else this journey is about health. And that means that when my body is telling me to stop...that I stop.

The trick?   Knowing when it really is my body or if it's it my brain that is telling me to stop.  You see, my brain sends me these false signals to try to keep me from working out.  My brain doesn't like the fact that I'm so active.   I truly feel as if it is my body this time.  What indicators back it up?  I slept a lot longer than normal and struggled to get up (and only woke up because Todd was shuffling around the house making noise...and then wanted breakfast).  I ache...my body is aching...my hip HURTS...my back is achy...my legs are achy.  I could lay down right now and sleep.  Yeah, this is no brainer......it's a rest day.

Healthy lifestyle OVER foolhardy behavior!  I want to be healthy.  That means that sometimes I need to back off.   This is not a race to the finish line.  It is a shift in thinking.  A shift in how I approach life.  I know that I'm going to be sore (it's been my constant companion of late).  But it also means recognizing when that soreness goes beyond the realm of 'normal' and to then stop and let my body recover.   What does that mean today?  It means that I go easy on exercise.  MAYBE a light walk.  MAYBE a light ride on the exercise bike...but LIGHT being the operative word.   (however right now the thought of doing one of those things makes me literally want to cry)  What else does it mean???    Eating?  Nope, that remains spot on!  No excuse for overeating!

Priorities

Working out.  I do so much better with working out when I schedule it.   Simply saying "Ohhh, I have to run 3 times this week" Is not enough.  I tend to push off the exercise until it's too late and I just throw in the towel.  Luckily for me it is enough right now for me to simply schedule the DAY of my runs.  Saying that I will run on such and such day is enough for now. But I have to keep telling myself that working out is something that should be on the top of my list in priorities. (Being healthy is number one...and notice when I was getting sick I DID skip a zumba and have done so on more than one occasion).  It's making ME a priority! I am a priority!
I was talking to a friend last night after zumba (OK, part of the conversation was before zumba).  We were talking about priorities.  We both want this thin healthy thing with every fiber of our being and consequentially we are pushing ourselves to do it.  She has had to change up her zumba nights a few times in the past two weeks.  Life (in the form of two adorable young girls) has thrown some curve balls at her......girl scouts, basketball, soccer, sickness...you name it.   She has had it thrown at her.  She sacrifices her time for the family that she loves.  In the past she put them first and let her needs fall further down on the list of priorities. Not this time.  She is keeping herself up there at the top of the list amongst those other important things!  She  is striving forth.  She is finding the time to run (she's my running co-conspiritor) and to walk and to get to zumba.  She's finding time to plan her eating and track her food.  She's doing it, on top of all the things she does for the family that she loves..  She has made her health a priority and she will reap the rewards of those choices (she is already reaping them...she's running something she couldn't have done a few short weeks ago....she's dropping pounds....she is DOING IT).  The rewards are not just for her though.  She was watching the Biggest Loser with her one daughter.  Her daughter looked at her and expressed her thoughts on her mothers sacrifices.  "You are my inspiration mom".   Her daughter can see the sacrifices and the results that her mother is enacting upon her life.  And what that little girl is seeing and learning from her mother right now, just in observation will stay with her forever. She is learning to take care of herself. She is learning the art of showing love to not only family but also toward herself and making both coexist together.    Talk about huge rewards and benefits that my friend is reaping for her new found behaviors!

Zumba rocks on!  Anita is a fun instructor.  You just smile in her classes.  My eyes are automatically drawn to her socks.  Last night was wearing St. Patricks day socks.  Who knows what it will be tonight. I've tried other leaders....and I've just been spoiled with Anita.  She is top notch!  I worry about the fact that she has hinted about retiring.  :-(     Yes, she is in her mid 60's  And yes, she KICKS MY BUTT every time!

Zumba Socks

In Like Flynn

I don't have too much to say today.  I just am basically in the mind frame of working to keep moving forward.  I struggle with looking back and saying "I already did this journey once.  I already reached goal once.  I shouldn't be doing this again". I sit back sometimes and say "why did I not do this earlier"   All of those thoughts are negative and self destructive.  It hurts me.  So I'm looking forward and not focusing on the what ifs and should haves.  I'm only focusing on the what is going to be!



My news for the day.....well, I have a 5k that I am registered to run on March 23.  I have thus signed up for another one.  I will be running another 5K on May 18th.  That will be the first day of my vacation...what a great way to start off vacation right???   It is the Paws on the Pavement 5k in Hagerstown, benefiting the Humane Society.  What a great cause!  I'm thinking about working up a tee shirt that honors my kitty cats that I can wear while I run.  (OH my word...I think I know what I'm going to do for my tee shirt!!!   The slogan on the front.....20 paws are better than 4 ....I've got 5 cats of course! The rest will be surprise! Lets just say that I have to look through some pictures and get working in photo shop!)


That crazy fear rears it's head though (don't I have the craziest fears).  I may do this 5k alone.  I know I'll be OK if I'm on my own...but it's just that stupid fear.  I admit, I have a call out for friends to run it with me (sherry.....you can do it!...haa haa haa....ok ok ok, you are not sure that you are going to stay with this running thing, and that is ok. whatever you decide is good with me!) ...started thinking about not registering for it YET because what if no one does it with me.  But then I realized that I was just making excuses in an effort to take the easy way out.  That is NOT how the new MaryFran rolls!   I face things face on right now.  That said, I hope to run it with friends...but no worries.  If I'm alone, so be it!  Ohhh and I have already paid for my registration!  I'm IN like Flynn!

drive, heart and focus

Well, I stepped on the scales this morning..  Not the greatest results. Yes I gained.  I'm not going to lie and say that it was all out of my control. It wasn't.  No one force fed me food.  I made the choices.  Some of the choices were more difficult.  Some of the choices were out of my control. (that said I am still the one that made the final choices and decisions about what to put into my mouth).    Am I angry at myself?  No.  Am I disappointed with myself.  Yes.  I'm disappointed because I made poor choices. Why am I not angry with myself?  I am not angry with myself because I realize that it is totally unrealistic to expect myself to eat perfectly every stinkin' day for the rest of my life. It's unrealistic to think that way.  Being strict is just setting up for failure...because life WILL happen.  There will be days where you forget to take your lunch to work.....and unfortunately there will be times when you meet up with a friend for dinner and find out she ate before you get there (well, hopefully that doesn't happen again, but is DID happen)...there will be gymnastic meets and celebratory dinners afterward.  Life happens.  How those circumstances affect me is where this battle is won or lost. The success comes in learning how to recover from a day or two of non strict eating. If you give up...you lose.  If you accept it as a fact of life and move on it only makes you stronger and puts you one step closer to winning the battle.  I accept and I'm hanging on because I refuse to LOSE!  Shazam!

So my weekend was nuts...eating wise it started on Wednesday when I forgot to bring a lunch and ended up partaking of the free lunch my work provided.   It continued on Thursday with me planning on eating out with a friend only to have the friend eat before I got there, which left me shoveling food into my mouth at 10:30PM (I was within my calories but seriously....while eating peanut butter was a treat,  it was not a totally nutritious meal).  Friday night my husband and I went out for Chinese....I don't know what possessed me, but I didn't calculate my calories BEFORE I ordered.  I didn't even calculate my calories after I ordered but before the food arrived.  I didn't calculate my calories until I got home.  Yup....I ate a BUTT LOAD of calories. (It sure was tasty and I don't regret it at all...I got that meal out of my system..I'd been SOOO hungry for it!)  Saturday and Sunday I did pretty good calorie wise, but was woefully lacking on fruits and veggies.  Today?   I've got my day totally planned and I'm rocking it!  :-)

That all said.  I"m determined that spring is here.  So I'm wearing a short skirt to emphasis my declaration.  I was looking in the mirror while I was getting ready.  I really do like my legs.  So muscular and toned.  Just sayin'.  

Saturday I rode down to Ocean City (Berlin, MD to be more specific) with my sister in law and my niece for my nieces gymnastic meet.  So very proud of Ali...she took first place in two events and second place in two events and walked away with first in All around!  She Rocks it!   It is always fun to watch her compete.  She totally loves gymnastics.  From the day that my brother and sister in law put her in an introductory gymnastics class when she was three years old it was her passion. She flipped around the house.  She moved up the ranks into competitive gymnastics.  She loves it.  When they moved, within days she was asking when she could get into a gymnastics gym and join a team.  They had barely unpacked the truck and my sister in law was visiting gyms and signing on the dotted line for my niece to join a gym and to compete with their team.   As I sat there watching the meet a  meet a few things were startling clear to me.

I watched my niece as she competed.  She was doing stuff that struck fear in my heart.....had I been the one that was cartwheeling across a narrow balance beam or running down a runway that is.  She was cool as a cucumber and made it look extremely simple.  It's not simple. She has WORKED for that level of apparent ease.   This 10 year old girl (barely 10 too) puts my measly hours of exercise to SHAME! Yes, remember my bragging recently (ok, I wasn't really bragging) about my 7 hours of exercise in one week?  She is in the gym for HOURS upon HOURS a week.  As a 10 year old.....hours upon hours! I think the commitment for her level is 12 hours.....that does not include the extra hours that she flips around practicing and doing sit ups (stomach muscles need to be TIGHT to do some of these moves).  That does not include the hours that she puts in at these gymnastic meets (the last four weekends straight).  She is committed to this.  She is focused and LOVES it so it is not a hardship.  She just does it.  Do I hear her moan on occasion because she hears that something fun may happen while she is laboring at the gym?  Absolutely.  Does it deter her from going?  NO.  Focus.  She has it.  And she has done incredibly well.   

There are two to three components that my 10 year old niece has in place.  I need to follow her lead.  What are those components?   

1.  Follow your heart.  She loves gymnastics.  LOVES, BREATHES and LIVES it!  Exercise is finding out what makes your heart go pitter patter.  Is it running for me?  I don't know.  Is it biking?  I don't know.  Zumba?   Could be, who knows.  Maybe for me it is a combination of everything. I just know that if you are not totally immersed and happy with what you are doing you will lose interest....lose focus....and lose your drive to do it!

2.  My niece has grown to realize that sore muscles...an aching ankle...even a broken bone are part of life.  Hurting is only a temporary thing.  It doesn't stop her.  So often we as adults stop doing things because it 'hurts' or because we MIGHT get hurt.   But sometimes pain is necessary to progress.  My niece has realized this....she just puts on the ankle brace when it hurts and continues on.  She broke her wrist a few years back yet only missed a practice or two.....she still went and stretched out and did everything possible that she could do.

3.  If you want it.....go after it.  12 hours plus in the gym is a lot for a young child.  My niece is being home schooled again this year...but when she did go to public school she literally would get home from school grab a snack change her clothes and walk right out the door to head to the gym.  She would be there for hours and get home later in in the evening....rush to take a shower, do homework and fall into bed. She packs dinner to eat while she is at the gym.   That is the life she leads (by choice, my brother and his wife do NOT push at all...there is actually very little focus on competition....as long as she is having fun they don't care what scores she gets...although they are very proud when she does well).  She leads it by choice..why?  Because she has a focus. She wants to perfect her moves.  She wants to do things perfectly and accomplish moves that she struggles with. She has a drive that pushes her when she doesn't want to go on. 

Important lessons to learn.  So important!   I want this.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be thin.  I actually want to be athletic.(kinda shocked me to write that!)  So I will not run at the first sign of an achy muscle.  I will not run at the first sign of difficulty or inconvenience.  I will push forward and be willing to work for it.  I will surround myself with activities that I love...activities that will ultimately help me reach my goal!

After the meet, we had just a few minutes to run over to the beach.  My niece had never been to the Ocean (remember they just moved from the mid west...there are no oceans near where they lived...and all vacations were spent visiting family) so we took her the few miles to check it out.  It was so gorgeous...now I'm dying to go back!!

 .

Indicators of success

I planned my day carefully yesterday.  After my overage on calories due to the craziness of life on Wednesday, I wasn't going to let that happen on Thursday.  So I planned.  I planned carefully because I knew I was going out with friends after work.  I made sure I left enough calories for any eventuality (ie in case the meal I planned to eat was not available for whatever reason and I had to get something else.  I tell you.  I was READY)  I looked forward to my evening out all day.  I got off work at six....and arrived at the location.  My friend  had gotten there early and how polite of my friend......already ordered AND ate.  Seriously?  What freakin' kind of friend does that.  So they were ready to roll onward.  It didn't give me any option...other than being a bitch and saying "I haven't eat...so go ahead, even though I haven't seen you in ages I'm not going along because I'm going to eat".  I spent the time with my friend.  I'm trying to take the focus off food and enjoy interaction with friends and such more.  So it really wasn't a difficult decision.  (it's still incredibly rude of them).  Anyway...so I end up getting home at 10PM...and I STILL hadn't eaten.  And I had over 600 calories to eat.  Crazy, but my first thought was, 'how in the world will I consume almost 700 calories before I got to bed"...because that's a LOT of calories.   I ended up having a peanut butter and jelly sandwich....and I thoroughly enjoyed the extra spoon of peanut butter.  I also had a single serve bag of sun chips.  Voila....calories consumed REALLY quickly.  But I stinkin' ate at 10PM (later actually).  And I gulped that food down with a diet soda. 

I decided to step on the scales this morning.  It's really not good. WAY UP  I want to cry it's so bad.  Really????   My hope is that it was the late meal (and I weighed earlier in the morning than I normally weigh) and the sodium from the last two days!  I'm HOPING.    (let me pause to drink some water)

Even as I type my hopes and my fears about the number on the scales I want to scream at myself.  I'm in this to be healthy.  I'm in this to look good.  I'm not in this to be a number on the scale.  I'm not in this to have this super low pace when I run.   I'm not in this to measure my success by NUMBERS.  I'm on this journey to be healthy!  I"m on this journey to not be obese. I'm on this journey to win my life back.  Yes, I know that my numbers on the scales will drop as I win my life back.    I know that as I win my life back that my clothes sizes will drop exponentially.  I know that...and I thus I watch the numbers because I know that they will drop.  But I need to stop focusing on the numbers.  Numbers are just that.  NUMBERS...a momentary figure that is assigned to progress.  It doesn't define what I did yesterday, or this morning or this evening...it is a glimpse of ONE SECOND of my life.  I need to figure out how to take the focus away from numbers.  I thought I was well on the way do doing thise.  I had thought that it would be a good idea to set no number goals.  I have no clue when I'll get to my goal weight....I don't care. I will get there when I get there.  However, I find myself worried about the scales.  Saddened when I see higher numbers  today (which very well are most likely late eating combined with higher sodium in my diet...I hope).  I am living my life chained these numbers. 

I didn't want to be chained to food....and I don't want to be chained to numbers. 

SOOOOO while I will still plan to weigh and while I will freely admit that the scales were not kind to me this morning, let me share what I saw in the mirror mere moments after I saw the borderline depressing numbers on the scale.  I got dressed and I walked into the bathroom to fix my hair.  I saw myself in the mirror.  I wasn't posturing or sucking my gut in.  I was just being me and I was amazed.  I could SEE the definition in my body.  I'm shaping my body from a fat blob into a defined female shape.  That's a HUGE indicator that I'm doing something right!  And honestly?  Isn't that a better indicator than some stupid number on the scale????

Heaving + Running = fun times

I was on cloud nine when I got to work after my walk yesterday.  Seriously.  I was feeling on top of the world.   Yeah, I did have a bit of a blister on the bottom of my foot, but that was just an annoyance but otherwise all was good.  I had conquered and won a self imposed challenge!  And then the menu for lunch was dropped on my desk.  I had made waffles for breakfast at the house before my trek into town.  (waffles with berries and a strawberry syrup).  I didn't need much food. I had planned a light lunch because of that.  But the bank was paying...so I ordered 1/2 a turkey sub.  (a little higher in calories than I would have normally chosen after the waffles, but still OK)  My manager went ahead and got the whole sub for me (it was the same price..winter special).  I wasn't upset. She talked to me before hand and I had decided that I would just eat it for lunch tomorrow....no packing alunch  needed.  It would be in the fridge at work waiting for me.  All was right in my world.  I pulled up MPF and put my food in. Uhhh, I would only have 300 calories for dinner.  But I made my plans. 

I texted Todd and had him pull a steak out of the freezer for himself.  I planned to make mashed potatoes and veggies.  I would eat a small amount of potatoes and then load up on fruits and veggies.  I was A-OK with that.   But, best laid plans.......

Todd texted me back a little later and asked if I would mind if he made some kind of stir-fry with his steak.  Well of course I didn't mind.  I was still planning on making the potatoes and veggies....but then I thought about how easy it would be to simply eat the other half of that sub since he was making his own dinner.  I knew I didn't have the calories in my budget.....well, I would if I used my earned calories from my walk and only be 10 calories in the negative.  Soooo I planned to do that and just be OK with using all of my earned calories.......my new plan was in force....at least until after I had that 1/2 sub for dinner and I started thinking about how I wanted something sweet  last night.

Ohhh yes I did.  I had a 245 calorie dessert.  245 calories that I did NOT have the calories for.  This is definitely the FIRST time I have gone over on my calories  that badly since shortly after Christmas.  I ate a total of 1764 calories for the day. (I'm aiming for 1250 a day not including my earned calories)  Hmmmm  In the grand scheme of things still not bad.  (and honestly, still in the losing range of caloric restriction even with those extra calories utilized) But not where I want to be.

On a good note, I was only about 20 ounces of water into my day when they went to pick up lunch.  When I ordered I was very quick to say "And A diet pepsi please!!!"  That is probably only the second or third time I have drank a diet soda since I restarted.  I won't lie, it tasted heavenly!    BUT...the good note?  I finished up that diet pepsi and then I went back to water and I STILL completed my water consumption goal for the day!

I refuse to beat myself up over it.  I slipped.  I've tightened the belt and I'm marching onward!  Part of the Shazam plan is realizing that these kinds of days WILL occur. (Was it just the snow and the 'off day'?  Was it part of the munchies that go along with the monthly feminine  ick?   I don't know....and it doesn't matter) Realizing and accepting that these days happen takes the pressure off when it happens. The trick is just recognizing it and knowing that it can't happen all the time.   That pressure being gone makes me just rejuvenated and ready to rock it tomorrow!

This morning I woke up and laid in bed.  I really toyed with options.  I had excuses galore why I couldn't run.  Seriously..the roads might have patches of ice...after all we did have precipitation yesterday.  Todd wanted breakfast...and I do try to play the good wife role even when I'm frustrated at things in the marriage. (and he is working tonight and I do try to make at least one meal each day).  Excuses excuses excuses.  I finally settled on the fact that I would make him breakfast (and me too) and THEN go on my run.  Today was a 22 minute straight run.....that is why all the excuses were pouring through my head.  Fear fear fear.  (I am beginning to hate that word...even as I smash it to smithereens!).   

I made a somewhat nutritious breakfast...nicely well rounded.  For me I had an egg and cheese sandwich and hash browns. (Todd had more and cooked differently..but I don't like eggs, I have to disguise them if I want to eat them).  I cleaned up and slowly changed my clothes.  I decided to run down my road this morning...it saves the time driving to the battlefield (which is only a couple miles away...but still).  I started off.  The first half of my run was marked with a malfunction of my running app (the C25K app....my music shut off and I couldn't fix it).  Not a problem...I ran without music.  I used that time to pray.  The app is supposed to notify me at the half way mark (and when I'm on my road doing an out and back run I turn at that mark).  I ran...and ran...and ran ...and finally gave in and looked at my phone.  Dang it...I had missed the half way mark notice...but the good news...I was already 13 minutes into my 22 minutes.  I fiddled with the app and miraculously got the music going again.  Thank heavens.  The music started and something that I had been ignoring for a while started to rear it's ugly head.  You see...that food that I had for breakfast was sloshing around in my gut.  Yes....sloshing and it was not a good feeling.  At about 14 minutes in I was heaving.  It wasn't much...just nasty.  I spit and kept going...without really even breaking my stride.  I won't lie....part of me wanted to quit.  But I KNEW why I was feeling queasy and ill.  It was because I ate food very shortly before going out running.  I finished that 22 minutes and by golly I went an extra 30 seconds of running...just to prove it to myself that I could!   I wasn't letting anything keep me down.       And lets just say....LESSON LEARNED!  Breakfast AFTER run...never before! (although the string cheese before a run seems to work really well)

I will admit...today I am filled with self doubt about my weigh in that will be upcoming on Monday.  Freaked out for some reason.  (I prewrote the first half ...about my eating yesterday, last night...and was feeling good).  However, this morning I'm panicked.  Partly because of my extra 250 calories yesterday and partly because it's looking like I'm not going to get the level of exercise in this week that I have been getting.     Deep breath in....deep breath out.  This is life.......not a race.  Accept whatever happens and move on because regardless of what my mind is yelling....I AM doing what is right, good and healthy for my body! (on a side note...I read one of Jillian Michaels books a few years back and she actually recommended that you have a higher caloric day once a week to keep your metabolism 'guessing' and burning).

That said, my eating today is totally planned out!