Shashing through fear

Tuesday night I took off from exercise and stayed home.  I knew that I was coming down with some ailment and I wasn't sure what it was.  I didn't want to exacerbate any potential sickness by doing any heavy duty exercise only to come home so whipped, tired and more sick.  So I went home and took it easy.  I woke up on Wednesday and I could feel the sinus pressure in my head and the sinus drainage.  The drainage causes my throat to hurt and gives me a slight cough...but nothing major.  Overall, I felt pretty good.  No overwhelming tiredness, no achy feeling and most importantly no fever.  I pondered exercise all day long.  OK, I didn't ponder....a war was waged in my head. My fat mini me and my thin mini me were at war and the cacophony of noise in my head from this war was deafening.  On one shoulder, screaming into my ear was my fat mini me.  My fat mini me was yelling "You are sick, do not exercise...do not exercise...do not exercise!"  The thin mini me was yelling equally as loud.....but the message was very different. What was thin mini me saying?   Thin mini me was saying "Excuses....they are all excuses. Sinus drainage and pressure is NOT an illness, just an inconvenience.  They are excuses to keep you fat and far from your goal."    The battle raged in my head loud.  I listened.  I pondered. And then I made my choice.  Using sinus pressure (which I know from experience can last for weeks) IS an excuse.  So I tested the waters.  I went for my run.  I did the next installment in my c25k thing.  I felt pretty good after that so decided to roll with it.  I headed off to zumba.   It went well.   1.5 hours of pretty intense exercise completed for the day.

This morning the war started to wage again.....but this morning it wasn't the excuse of not feeling 100% (still sinus pressure).  Well, maybe a wee bit.  This morning it was fear.   That old fear reared it's ugly head.  You see, I had decided that I would go to the gym.  I decided that I would try an exercise class at the gym.  I am a chicken.  I do zumba...but I'm in my comfortable class...my zumba class is my comfort zone.  Going to a new class at the gym is totally out of my comfort zone.My confidence is racked with fear....fear about being the odd man out, the only one that doesn't know what I'm doing...etc etc etc.   Then to make matters worse, I could have to rush to the locker rooms and face that fear of the locker room showers again.  I faced it last week and I know it's not bad, but the fear wasn't totally gone.  Fear........it's debilitating.  I ALMOST stayed home and rode the exercise bike.  But then I said, "screw this" and with my stomach churning I set out.   I did 30 minutes on the elliptical trainer while I waited for my class to start and then I headed into a zumba sentao class.   It was very neat to see a different approach to the same class that I attend on Monday nights.  Anita is still top notch in my book. Anita approaches the chair as an instrument to fitness.  This gal approached the chair as if were a stripper pole.  I won't lie...it was fun.  She was hard to follow...and while she wore a speaker that was piped through the sound system, the music mostly drowned her out ....which is OK because she sang along with the music most of the time.  Zumba is not a class where they usually call out instructions, so i wasn't expecting it.  I will be trying one of her 'regular' zumba classes soon I'm sure and we shall see how that is.    Regardless......I did 90 minutes of exercise this morning.  I faced the fear of doing a class.....I faced the fear of the showers.....I faced the rush between the class and my scheduled time to start work.  I faced it...and I SMASHED my fears!  :-)

Fear only serves one purpose...and that is to keep us from achieving the greatness that we are capable of!

NO FEAR~~~~~SHAZAM!

Coexistence

I had a blog post all planned out for today.  Really....it was written and ready for final review this morning before hitting the publish button.  It was about negativity.  Not self negativity...but negativity in others as they listen to us talk about our journey.  You know the kind of person..."ohhh that will never work...."  and they continue to spout all kinds of negativity   The kind of person that then couches it in terms of encouragement by following it with 'but good luck' (insert sarcastic tone).  Negativity.....so destructive.  

But then something happened......ironically enough after my post yesterday when I was saying that 'life happens......roll with the punches and learn to LIVE in a healthy manner even as you embrace life.'   I felt on top of the world.  I went up to the lunch room at work and ate my lunch.  It was a satisfying and healthy lunch.  I went back downstairs and about an hour later I realized that I had left something up on the table.  I trotted back upstairs. I say trotted because I don't think I ran....but I didn't dilly dally as I went up the stairs.  As I was coming back downstairs I felt this incredible pain/pressure in my chest.  It surprised me. I had a bout of chest pains back in late 2010 into 2011 where I had chest pains.  It was  months of constant rounds of doctors and tests...they never did figure out what was wrong and occasionally the chest pains still flare up...but it's been a long while since I had one.  And then about an hour after that my throat started to hurt.  Seriously?   I'm getting sick?????   NOOOOOOOO  OK, this doesn't surprise me too much either because Todd has been horribly sick since Saturday.  OK, he's a guy so horribly sick means a different thing when it's a guy.....but seriously, he's been perched on the couch pretty much constantly from Saturday through right now. (although yesterday he was doing much better so I expect him to be back up and moving this morning).  My first thought was OHHH NO....I'm on such a roll with exercise...I don't want to stop now.  I have zumba....and running...and the gym!   (shocked the heck out of me to have those thoughts as my first ones)   But then I straightened my back and said to myself......this is life.   OK OK OK...actually I started quoting the postman's creed...."Neither rain nor snow......."   NOTHING is going to keep me off of my mission.   Does that mean I went to zumba anyway.  No, I went home and rested.  Does it mean I'll go to zumba tonight.  Who knows.....I'll let you know when that time comes.   What does it mean?   It means that I will accept that I was not and may not be able to exercise to the extent that I want this week.     It does mean that I'll tighten up my eating.  I eat pretty close to my caloric goals to begin with...but I do admit that on exercise days I don't panic if I'm over on my calorie count.  So I typically run about 50- 100 or so calories over.  Well if I"m not exercising.......yup......tighten up and bring myself back down to my goal.   It's accepting that this may and will slow down my weight loss. (This is a lifestyle anyway...not a race!)I may only get a maintain number on the scales this week.  But it's being OK with it because LIFE HAPPENS and no strict diet or exercise plan can withstand the daily ins and outs of life on a daily basis for long term.   They need to coexist peacefully and in harmony.

Shazam!

Shazam!

I've gone off of weight watchers.  The program worked for me at one point...but it stopped working for me.  I have my theories...but I'll keep my mouth shut.  Regardless, this time I am going it alone.  I've tried to surround myself with a support system....friends that are on the same page, challenges, blogs...you name it!   Sherry and I are working up our own plan.  It's called the Shazam plan...and it is a plan for LIFE.  It is a plan that realizes that there WILL be days where you just want to eat everything and honestly, you almost can't help yourself!   Think the cracker debacle.  That wasn't as bad as it could have been....I consciously made the choice and I worked my arse off to negate the calories in those crackers, strawberries and fruit dip. And I still lost at my next weigh in..BIG time!   That's what it's about...SHAZAM!    There will be situations that you have little control over.  I didn't ask my friend if I can share, so I hope she's not mad...but she went to a birthday party this past weekend.  She was there 6-7 hours...over a meal time.  They offered an overabundance of food.  Pizza....two different kinds of Doritos and much  more, nothing of which could be at all construed as healthy fare.  Drinks were regular soda and fruit punch.  Control was taken out of her hands.  She made the best choices and in small quantities but she didn't beat herself up over eating food that she may not normally have chosen....she knows that these things will happen and immediately got back on track.  SHAZAM!    This is LIFE!   My manager at work is on this journey.  Yesterday I asked her if she tracked over the weekend. She immediately jumped in and said "ohhh I fell off the bandwagon...I do know where I messed up though.".  It was a birthday celebration that knocked her down...hers (and seriously, if someone surprises you with a birthday cake.....isn't it rude to not have at least a small piece....when it's YOUR birthday???)   I just laughed and said...I didn't ask if you fell off the bandwagon...I asked if you TRACKED through it, or if you gave up.   She looked at me and grinned and said "I tracked every bite...and I wasn't over by that much if I want to be honest with myself"   SHAZAM!   The shazam plan is full of exercise and activity...but it's also saying that sometimes things will happen.  A tire will go bad and you won't be able to make zumba  (yup, the shazam plan encountered that two weeks ago) .....the flu will hit keeping you from exercise.  Whatever.  It's LIFE.  This journey is not about being all hard core.  It's about accepting life's idiosyncrasies and not letting them derail you.  This journey is about figuring out how to live in order to really LIVE. 

Why I am soooo dead set against going about this journey so totally stringent upon my eating rules and my exercise plan is that I know first hand what happens when one leads a life of denial and utter strictness.  If you've been following my blog for any time, you will know that I have lost the weight before.  I lost a total of 135 pounds.    I did a lot of that by denial.  I just said no.  Absolutely not, I will not have dessert.  It worked.  I was hugely successful.  (if you call 135 pounds successful!)   The problem occurred when I was out in the real world after I had reached my goal weight (where my doctor wanted me to be, which weight watchers accepted with a note from him...and that number was 180 pounds).  The problem actually occurred when I went on vacation the first time after reaching my goal.  It was ugly.  I started strong....but then I splurged ONCE.....and once because TWICE...and two times became a daily occurrence.  It was ugly!   (tasty, but ugly!)   I had lived in my exercise bubble of 'everything is perfect....very little desserts....no slacking on exercise' for so long that when I got out in the real world and encountered some issues, I fell apart.  I never recovered.  That started my downward spiral.  (read the blog entry detailing the vacation....it's ugly!  Be forewarned....I didn't realize that it was the beginning of my  downward spiral so I was very flippant about my eating transgressions.)  I cut loose on that vacation because I hadn't lived in the real world......not again. I will be firmly entrenched in the real world while I lose this weight.  I will have my cake and lose weight too!   I will just be eating the cake sparingly.....working my arse off to negate calories if I do splurge....hopping back on track when life causes me to stumble.

Ahhh yes, that brings me to cake..... Sometimes in life we just really really really want to have our cake and eat it too.  In the past I have purchased these warm delight minis to have around the house.  They aren't too bad.  But they are pricey.  But they work to satisfy that craving.  I have my cake fix but don't end up with a 9x13 pan of cake with only one piece out of it.  We all know how long it would last with only one piece out of the pan.  Not long.  So while this convenience food is more expensive than I would like, I have been more than willing to pay.  That is until this week.  I found  recipe.  It's most commonly referred to the 3-2-1 cake.  You'll understand it soon enough.....

 The mix is a box of angel food cake mix and a box of regular cake mix.  You can use any flavor that you want.  For my first attempt I choose devils food cake. (only because it made me laugh mixing angel food with devils food).  Wow, I dont' know what happened to that picture, rather blurry!

 

 

 

       Take the two boxes of cake mix and combine them together well.  I did mine in bowl, but  a gallon ziploc bag would work very well (and then can be used for storage also). 

At this point your cake mix is ready for storage.  I store a lot of things in 1/2 gallon canning jars.  Use whatever airtight container you have around the house.

Now comes the 3-2-1 part.  When you need a quick fix for a cake....place three tablespoons of the mix into a small bowl or coffee cup.     Add two tablespoons of water.  Mix well.  I noticed that  it had a very bubbly and frothy feel to the mixture.  It made me nervous, but I forged ahead.

Microwave for one minute.  Voila!  You have cake!   Top it with fruit, or cool whip or even ice cream (depending on your available calories for the day).  The top looked very bubbly and light, you can tell there is angel food cake mix in this mixture, when I dipped my spoon into the 'cake' it looked just like a normal cake.  I served mine with ice cream and it was a pretty good cake fix!  Ohhhh the cake, turned out to be 126 calories...the fat free vanilla ice cream was 90 calories...not  bad, a dessert for 216 calories!...and the best part...no temptation to eat the leftover pieces this morning for breakfast!  And price wise...I spent $3 for the two cake mixes...and it will give me 32 little cakes.  I used to spend $3 on a box containing two prepackaged cakes and they were 150 calories.  I win all around!

SHAZAM!

Love meets hate and a little celebration

OK, it's goign to be a big celebration...but we will get to that soon!

I love how exercise makes me feel.  I feel ready to conquer the world.  I feel ready to tackle whatever obstacles come my way.  I feel alive!  It really is amazing how awesome I feel.  However there are some downsides..........(these are serious problems, even if you decide that you need to laugh at my downsides)

Yes, we must face them.

 It takes planning...I have had to sit down yesterday and really think about my plans for Monday.  I packed my gym bag because zumba comes immediately after work.  So soon after work that I actually change at work.  I was planning a run this morning before work, so packing my bag yesterday really was the way to go, the morning run usually causes me to run tight on time. OK, so preplanned things isn't really a major issue or downside, it's just a fact of life and just one more thing on my plate.  But in the grand scheme of things inconsequential and probably a good thing..planning has never hurt anyone!  Of course the biggest problem with this is the fact that the cats always seem to want to lay in my packed gym bag, so then I look like a hairy beast while I exercise!
The second and more annoying issue is laundry.  Seriously!  Extra towels because of so many extra showers.  Extra clothes because every workout creates another outfit.  Lets take today for example....I woke up and threw the clothes I slept in into the laundry....I ran this morning (in 24 degree weather might I add).  So I had socks, gloves, hat, cuddle duds (long underwear), exercise pants, sports bra, tee shirt and two sweatshirts that all  went into the laundry (sometimes the top sweatshirt doesn't make it to the laundry I admit...it is on an outer layer so it doesn't really get that dirty does it.......and yes, the gloves need to be washed after I run....why?  Well my eyes tear in the cold and my nose runs too....gloves..well....lets just say they need washed)...then a shower after my run so towel got dirty, I am at work now...so there is another complete outfit from top to bottom.  I have zumba tonight after work..luckily it's inside so I don't have the multiple layers but it still creates another dirty outfit....sports bra, pair of pants and sweatshirt and sports top.  I will go home and shower after that...so more towels.  And then whatever I wear in the evening at home.  That is a full load of laundry (should I ignore the rules of separating colors and throw everything into the same washer!) I feel like I do laundry and then there is a full basket within hours.  I can't blame it all on exercise of course, but there are an awful lot of exercise related items in the laundry now-a-days.  Once again, not a total issue in the grand scheme of things....but just something new that I noticed.

Will I let it stop me from my goals.  Nope....I just better remember to pick up more laundry detergent at the store soon!  I've got my focus set and nothing will stop me!   There may be roadblocks.  There may be obstacles.  Nothing however, will stop me...it may slow my progress...it may make me frustrated...but there is NO looking back.  Forward only!!!!

Sooooooooo on to the celebration!!!!    Drum roll please......the exercise and healthy eating is paying off...BIG time.  This week I lost 4 pounds.  :-)  That is 18.5 pounds since January first!  WOO HOOO!!!  

So that brings me to my dilema.  I recommitted at the beginning of this year (actually I recommitted the day after Christmas but didn't start weighing until New Years day).  I am extremely proud of those 18.5 pounds.  However, should I just be looking at the 18.5 pounds as my weight loss...or should I count my weight loss from my highest overall...in which case I have lost 80.7 pounds.  I feel like I'm cheating this go round if I include that previous loss....but then I feel like I'm ignoring the hard work that went into the previous weight loss. 

Either way....I'm going to win this battle!

What am I beconing????

Friday was my day or rest from exercise.  I had actually also planned on taking off on Saturday.  However, I got toward the end of the day and dang, if I didn't just simply want to eat some ice cream.  I thought about it.  I knew that eating 1/2 cup of ice cream (fat free 90 calories) and being over by those 90 calories would not break me.  But I didn't want to.  So I got on the exercise bike for a really light 30 minute ride to earn myself some calories.  Day of rest?  Yeah, I still call it a day of rest.   (Friday was still a total day of rest...much needed and well deserved.)

Today started my new week of exercise.  I started it off with a bang.  The alarm went off early and I headed to the battlefield where I met up with Sherry.  Both of us struggled with the run today.  We think part of the issue is that both of us have this desire to run...but both of us have a bit of a mental block to running.  Because of this we are cheating on our workouts...I run on Sunday and I'm on a high so I rush through my three runs and then don't do anything.....Sherry does the opposite..pushes the runs toward the end of the week and then has them all bunched together.  Both approaches are not helping us.  (OK, they are helping because we are getting a workout...but it's not helping in terms of training to run...we need consistency.  We talked about it...and we have committed to running on Monday, Wednesday and Friday this week.  Schedule wise it's not possible for us to run together this week...but we are going to be virtually working out together....getting the runs in on the same day!

Anyway, this morning at the battlefield, we ran...we walked.  And if that wasn't enough, we then headed up to the outlets.....the Reebok store in particular.   Why in the world did we head to the Reebok store at 9AM on a Sunday morning before the store was even open?   Well, let me tell you.  My zumba instructor was holding an hour of zumba at the store.  FREE!   As if an hour of free zumba isn't enough, if you attended the hour of zumba you were given the employee discount for your purchases in the store.  40% off!   I have been needing new shoes for zumba. I had purchased running shoes a few weeks back, but really needed new shoes for zumba. 

Holy cow, have I become some exercise demon?   I'm 40 years ago and up until recently I would have never assumed that there was a need for different types of tennis shoes for different activities.  I was under the belief that if you had a pair of tennis shoes, you were good.  Now I have everyday tennis shoes, running tennis shoes AND zumba tennis shoes.  What am I becoming????? 

The sneak peak (and weigh in for a Sunday challenge) was good....can't wait until tomorrow to see the official weigh in!!!

I have a friend that has her cosmetology licence.  She's had it for a while (20 years) but always hated working in a salon.  So she just does friends and family.  Just recently she decided that she has always hated her job and that she has always wanted to follow her dreams.  She is in the process of putting a salon into her home...and she is planning on going into business for herself. She has been doing makeovers of her friends to build up a portfolio that she can show prospective clients.  She also knows that the free ones she is doing now will (and already has) create referrals for her.  So she asked me if I would be a guinea pig.  I decided to roll with it and I gave her free reign......So this is my 'before picture'.  This picture was taken within the last few weeks.  And the end results is as follows............

These two are of course the after pictures.  I very rarely take the time to dry my hair straight and NEVER take the time to pull out the flatiron (I think I dont' even have one anymore...so my hair will be back to it's normal curly state).   I'm not a makeup girl either....but hey, it was fun!  I'm not sure..but I think that I look older after my makeover. 

Cracker Debacle

Yesterday I got home.  My food was planned out and I knew what I was doing.  I made my dinner which was grilled cheese and tomato soup.  I didn't have the calories planned in for crackers in my soup...and I've eaten it without crackers so it didn't bother me.  However, I sat down at the table and I couldn't stop myself.  I WANTED crackers in my soup.  I ate them....not just one or two...I ate probably 20-25 crackers.  (yeah, I like a LOT of crackers in my tomato soup...I eat the crackers out and then put more in......sad isn't it?)  I then made a fruit dip and prepped some fruit and even though I was full and kicking myself for  my cracker debacle I ate about 2tbs of the dip and a few strawberries.  And yes...that was my binge/splurge....crackers, fruit dip and fruit.  I knocked about 200 extra calories for my day.  I was beating myself up over this and immediately sent an email to my friend Sherry  (I had to email her a link anyway...and check up on her progress) who talked me down from the ledge  and made me see that 1. I probably needed those extra calories (I had exercised so I was still under my calorie goal for the day) and 2.  Even if I didn't need them that my splurge was laughable in reality...looking at what my splurges USED to be.  Thank you Sherry!!!!  In talking to her we discussed her day and her urges and desires too.  We both talked about how this is a journey that we are on..but it is also a thing of us learning how to deal with life pressures and the normal ebb and flow of our cycles (which DOES affect our hunger)...just life.  This journey is NOT a race to the finish line...this journey is about learning how to eat and be healthy within the restrictions of life!

Today is a potluck at work...it's a birthday celebration.  We are celebrating my managers birthday...my manager is also working on her weight. SO I was able to steer everyone  to bring to  more healthy flair.   One gal is bringing some Asian Turkey Lettuce wraps. (it is a recipe from the cooking light magazine...she's brought them before....one is roughly 140 calories).  I have one girl bringing a veggie tray.  I'm bringing  fruit tray (thus the fruit dip and fruit).  I don't know what the other gal is bringing...she's one that is actually trying to GAIN weight...so who knows.  I've got this potluck by the horns and I'm going to ROCK my eating today!  Why yes, that is grapes, apples, pineapple and strawberries with the fruit dip in the center.  The fruit dip is only 18 calories per tbs. LOVE it!




Took a sneak peak on the scales this morning...I'm down but not as much as I thought...but no worries...I've got until Monday before my official weigh in!  Plus, I woke up incredibly thirsty...and that usually doesn't mean good things on the scales for me.  Water.....soooo important to our existence!!!!!


I have to say that I'm very happy that today is my rest day.  I need the rest....we all do in our journeys.  I was thinking about my week of exercise and thinking..wow..I did so much.  Then it hit me....I always do 3-4 zumba sessions...and have been for three years.   I've been consistently doing the running thing for the last four weeks too.  I only added in two 30 minute sessions on the elliptical.  Crazy.   Am I nuts????  And even though I'm glad for the rest day....part of me is itching to do something...anything!!!!!!   Nope...nothing taxing for me today!  :-)

I'll leave with a photo of the prettiest cat.  Lucy is getting old.  Makes me sad to think about losing my cat.  She is 16 and is suffering from arthritis.  But I LOVE her attitude.  She is too proud to let it stop her.  She refuses to use the steps I put for her to get onto bed.  The sad part..she jumps down and you can her her thump when she hits...she used to be graceful and light as a feather.  BUT her attitude is great.  She enjoys being the matriarch of the cats and takes her duties seriously!

Don't mess with the cheese!

Well, it took me almost two months for the knee pain to rear it's ugly head.  It's arthritis.  I'm not injured.  I'm just dealing with one of the fallouts from having at one time weighing over 300 pounds. I'm dealing with the fallout of currently being in the obese category in terms of my weight.  I know that the more weight I lose the less pain I'll feel in that knee.  I also know that the more I build up the muscles around that knee the less I'll struggle.   Experience tells me that the pain drifts away to almost nothing the more weight I lose.  So I'm just working around it.  I'm not on this journey to push myself toward inhat this pain is....and I know that I'm not hurting myself further by pushing through that pain.  So out comes the knee brace.  I'm prepared and ready to face this!!!! 

The alarm went off the crack of dawn this morning. Todd's first words were "Do you still want to go to the gym?"  As badly as I wanted to say no, I sucked it in and said "why of course!"  Life may be crazy, it may have been early, my knee may have hurt, my bed was so toasty....but when it boils down to it.  If I want to live this lifestyle with any success, I have to learn how to work around those issues and obstacles!!!   Yes, we went to the gym.  Bring on another day of my week 4 on C25K!   I did that.  It was rough....my legs were heavy, but I pushed through it.  My breathing did well!  woo hoo!   After my run, I moved to the elliptical and dang if that half hour wasn't a killer.   I have a day of rest upcoming...and while I'm on a roll and WANT to continue on my mission, I'm on the other hand looking forward to my day of rest!

The last two days I have eaten breakfast at home about about 7:30 or 8 AM.  I get to work and by 11 AM I am ravenous.  On Tuesday I was just hungry.  On Wednesday my stomach actually hurt with the hunger.  Yeah, I'm kinda shocked too that my body gets to that point that it's hurting with hunger. Once again, I pulled out the 'emergency' pretzels.  Luckily for me they were already counted out and portion controlled (from Tuesday's snack) so it was easy to stay within my budget.  And actually I had enough calories in my day once again to accommodate eating the pretzels.  So all was well.
I'm ok with eating a snack.  If I have the points there is nothing wrong with having a  extra snack.  My question though is this?  Why am I getting so hungry so very soon after breakfast. (hmmm could it be the fact that I restarted taking some vitamins each day?  (drat, I forgot it this morning) The last two days I've had toast for breakfast ...I've paired it each day with a serving of fruit.  I love toast and I've never had a problem with toast not holding me over.  I've had problems with cold cereal not holding me over....but never toast.  Before I go further..... Eggs disgust me...I can't stand the taste.  I don't like meat.......I don't like milk......I don't.....    Holy hell, I'm a darn picky eater!  Breakfast is the worst meal for me in terms of what I will eat.

 Actually I would be happy going with a vegan lifestyle except for a few small issues. (ok pretty big ones)
Surprisingly, it's not the milk.  While I don't like the taste, I do cook with it all the time.  However, we already have our refrigerator stocked with Almond Milk (husband has digestive issues...milk is a no no and soy doesn't digest easily...almond is the way to go). I have no problem cooking with Almond milk.  I've not come up with a recipe that doesn't work with the almond milk.   My issues with veganism....
*eggs-  I cook with eggs all the time. I have no problem eating them if they are an ingredient in something.
* cheese-  I can't even fathom giving up cheese.  NO NO NO.  I love my cheese!  I've tried the soy cheeses nothing even comes close in comparison!
*  soy-tofu-mushrooms-  ewww ewww ewww  They are the generally accepted substitutes and I can't stand them....hurl-o-rama.

So for now I will just continue with my quasi/half vegan lifestyle.....Don't mess with the cheese!

On Tuesday woke up and I just did NOT want to go to work.  I laid in bed. I lounged around.  I just did NOT want to go.  My muscles were sore.  Nothing major....achy soreness from using them.  Actually, not even so much soreness...just an achy overall tired feeling.  Worse than anything, I just felt exhausted and worn out.

I made it to work, promising my husband that if I didn't feel up to zumba tonight that I would forgo the fun.  I looked at him and just laughed.  He should know by now that I know how to stop and take care of myself.  I'm not a sadist.  (OK, maybe my three hours of exercise from Monday states otherwise).

By 11:30 I was STARVING.  I sat and thought about it a while....and at 11:30 I realized that it was a true hungriness.  I pulled out and emergency pack of pretzels that I keep at my desk.  I looked at the calorie count.   Holy moley!  230 calories!  I typically only eat 1300 calories a day.  That 230 would be a huge percentage of my daily calorie allotment.  I looked at MPF to see where I stood.  I had room for 1/2 of the bag.  I WANTED those pretzels.  I debated.  I wanted the whole bag!  I wanted to eat every pretzel and then lick the bag clean.  I warred with myself.  I KNEW I was hungry.  I knew I wanted to eat.  But I know where I want to be in life and in this weight loss journey.


As badly as I wanted...I didn't do it.  I got out a napkin and laid it out on my desk.  I dumped the contents of the bag out and I started counting out the pretzels.  One in the bag, one in the pile..bag pile...bag pile...bag pile....back and forth. (Actually I think I counted by twos...I'm smart that way ya know).  I quickly folded the 1/2 bag of pretzels and put them aside.  I ate my half bag and that did the trick.  That snack held me off until it was time for my lunch (I typically eat a later lunch, especially on zumba nights).   I'm extremely proud of me for counting out the pretzels AND only eating 1/2 of the bag!

Too costly?

Today I'm paying the price.  Yesterday morning Todd and I headed to the gym.  I worked out....pushing myself. My heart rate was up there and I felt good.  It was  good workout.  I put in about an hour at the gym.   Being as yesterday was a bank holiday I had off work.  Todd and I came back to the house after the gym and we relaxed a bit throughout the afternoon, just watching TV and hanging out.   Typically on days off of work, I do a double session (two straight one hour classes versus the one class that I typically can work into my schedule).  I thought about it all afternoon.  A double session?  Or should I take into account that I had already had a pretty intense workout in the morning?   Decisions decisions decisions.

I had stuck to pretty much straight cardio at the gym in the morning.  I KNEW I was going to go to the second zumba session with is actually zumba sentao.  That is usually a pretty good upper body workout (lots of tricep dips and pushups...amongst other torturous moves)  So I knew that pushing my body on the weight machines wouldn't be a good thing...I didn't want to head into that session of sentao with aching arms.  So my decision wasn't based around the second class...that class was never in debate.  My debate was for the first class.  That class was zumba with some zumba toning songs included into the rotation of songs.  Todd kept asking me throughout the afternoon what my plans were.  I kept saying I didn't know.  I didn't know for sure until about an hour before the class...and then I knew.


I was going to go for broke.  What's the worst that would happen? If my body couldn't handle it, I would just stop.   I headed into the first session and I felt really good.  My legs were responding and I felt pretty good.  It was almost as if I hadn't worked out in the morning.  My foot started hurting pretty badly toward the end of that session.  I just ignored it.  You see, my foot has been bothering me for about a year now.  I just push through it.  :-)  Pretty soon the first hour was done.  I got my chair ready and in position for the sentao hour.  It started.  I was moving but about half way into that hour I felt myself totally run out of steam.  My legs felt like they were dead weight.  I pushed through it.  I was NOT going to give up.  I was whipped, but I was NOT going to let it win.  I focused.  I moved.  I constantly thought about my exercise motto... "mind over matter."  I knew that I was tired, but I knew that my body was not in danger....while my intensity level had  threatened to waver, I knew that I was technically OK. I forced myself to maintain my intensity level.   Quitting was NOT an option.   Praying for it to end WAS an option.  haa haa haa.   I persevered.  I made it!  I conquered something that I would have thought impossible for me.  Will I do it again?  Probably not...it's a bit extreme...but I DID IT!

I came home and boy was I tired.  But the real consequences didn't hit until this morning when I went to get out of bed. Eii yii yii!   My body has this weird feeling of heaviness and achiness.  Three hours of intense exercise worked my muscles!   The cost of my three hours.....soreness! So was that too costly????   No....I did something I never thought I would do!!!! There were also some good aspects!  I got to eat extra food (I normally don't eat many of my earned exercise calories....I ate about 400-500 earned calories....not quite even one workout worth of earned calories).  Ohh...and with the pain I wanted to see what happened on the scales.  One more pound off my body.  :-)  (That's not an official weight loss...just a sneak peak).

So what's my plan for today?   Well...lets just say I'm packing my gym bag to take to work....zumba tonight after work! 

Fear and happiness

I decided that it was time to rejoin the gym.  Todd and I debated about which gym to go to. OK, Todd never debated...I did.  When I originally started the healthy lifestyle thing, we joined Gold's Gym.   We both liked it but we spent a LOT of money each month for the two of us.  After a few years we decided to move to a gym that was  bit closer...thus we tried out South Point Fitness.  It was small and cramped and Todd hated working out there, he said it made him claustrophobic.  We left there and switched to the ultra cheap Planet Fitness.  That wasn't so bad...for a no frills gym, but eventually as money became even more tight we dropped that (plus there was an issue with a worker and Todd that wasn't pretty and Todd complained about the gym the whole time...said he didn't like the vibe).  We went gymless for a while.   We went back to Gold's (which is substantially cheaper now).   And there have already been a few lessons that I would like to share.

Lesson number one.  I was talking to the guy that signed us up.  I mentioned that I was doing the couch to 5k training program and that it was working, I wasn't fast and it wasn't by any means pretty, but I was doing it.   He looked at me and his words were "I think it's splendid, you've already lapped everyone that's sitting on their couch!"    You know....that is totally right!   I sat around for so many months and years of my life and I let myself be lapped over and over again. Why?   Fear kept me down.  I was afraid I would look retarded.  I was afraid I would fail.  I was just afraid.  But you know what....sitting on the couch doing nothing is what I SHOULD have beeen afraid of!  I am up and moving.  There is no way in hell that my actions will hold me back......the only thing that holds me back is inactivity!

Lesson number two wasn't really a lesson, but rather just a thought that flitted through my mind.  Today is  bank holiday, so of course I'm off work.  We decided to head to the gym.  After my workout I went into the locker room.   And that's when I realized.   I don't fear the gym.  I will go and push myself and feel confident that I'm doing my best.  What I fear?  I fear the locker room.  I always chose a locker that's off in  corner and hope and pray that the area will be uninhabited when it comes time for me to change after my workout.   And eii yii yii..the showers???   ~~shudder~~    So today I walked into the locker room.  I set my stuff down and walked over to the sinks so that I could take  look at myself.  You see, I was trying to figure out if I could forgo taking a shower after my workout (when I used to workout at the gym I only showered at the gym once.....fear you know.....even though it's irrational and I know it!) I walked to that mirror THREE times....dreading it.  But I knew that we had some plans and errands after the gym and I really needed to do something......greasy sweaty hair is not a good pretty sight.  After my shower, I started to think about it.  Seriously?  What do I fear?  It's absolutely NUTS!    I'm not going to live my life with irrational fears.  I'm going to push myself and the world better as hell watch out because I'm going to emerge from this cacoon strong and ready to kick ass!
 OK upon rereading this for a quick edit, I just realized that lesson one and two are both me facing my fears.  Interesting.
I've been saying that our happiness has to come from inside and not due to any amount of exercise or weight loss.  I've said it can't come from a job...or a spouse...or material possessions.  It really does come from within.  Apparently George Washington felt the same!

BRRRRRR

Ohhh my word.  It was cold!  I woke up before the alarm this Sunday morning.  I laid in bed and thought about my planned run.   I checked the weather.  Holy cow wind chill of 12 degrees F.   Seriously?   That's cold!   I even got up and looked out the window to make sure everything was clear. Didn't appear to be icy!  But for the most part I laid in my toasty warm bed.   I never wavered in my determination though.  I knew that when the alarm went off  that I would bound out of bed, get dressed and head out the door to meet my friend Sherry for our Sunday morning run and walk.   So the alarm went off.....and just like planned I rolled out of bed and started to bundle up!   Yup, I went out jogging at an ungodly hour on a Sunday morning in the bitter cold.   Did I mention that it t was COLD!  Normally we do our training session and then walk some more to chit chat.  However, have I mentioned the cold???   We did our run, chit chatted for a few scant minutes and we headed home.  My hands and body is still chilled an hour later! (OK, I haven't hit up the shower yet...soon)   

The run actually wasn't all that bad with the cold.  (ok, who m I kidding....lol)   My eyes watered the whole time.  Looked like I was crying in misery...but no, I felt ALIVE!   I particularly love this picture because you can see a tear rolling down my cheek!  Sherry and I decided to go into the week blind with no clue of what we were running......I just looked it up. 
5 minute warm up.
Run 3 minutes
Walk 90 seconds
Run 5 minutes
Walk 2.5 minutes
Run 3 minutes
Walk 90 seconds
Run 5 minutes
5 minutes cool down.
The first run was a bit rough.  My breathing never got out of control but it just wasn't right.   I tightened up my focus and the following three runs I was able to do better.  :-)  I'm getting the breathing down.  :-)  

I'm actually very happy that I am learning to run in the bitter cold. If I started in the summer by the time it started to get cold again I would probably wimp out thinking I couldn't do it....that fresh determination wouldn't be there to push me out into the cold like it is right now.   In theory, I will run through the summer and when it starts to get cold again I can know that it's not as bad as I fear....and will know that I can do it!

As for my weight.  I'm just holding steady.  Not really dropping.  It's frustrating but I have looked back.  I know different things to focus on and tweak.  I'll figure this out and this weight WILL drop sooner or later.  The scales are just slow in getting the memo that I'm putting in the work and effort to lost the weight!

It's all me

I lost weight once before. I lost a lot of weight It's all chronicled on this blog. I lost near 130 pounds. I was highly successful. I even managed to maintain that weight for a while (in fairness I was trying to lose more, but my weight remained steady). I did it! People came up to me all the time and were in shock and  awe at the transformation that I had made. Without fail these people asked me how I did it. I had my answer and I said it with happiness and joy. Without fail I answered with two words. "Weight Watchers". I thought that was acceptable. Until now. I'm not saying that weight watchers didn't play a role in my weight loss. However those two words don't encompass the hard work that I did. Me myself and I did it all!!! Those two words don't mention the will power that it took to say no to a piece of cake when I had already eaten my food budget. It didn't even hint at the hours upon hours of exercise that I put in. It didn't discuss the hours of thought, determination and focus that the feat of losing 130 pounds takes. Those two words really detract from the work that I did.  Those two words made the whole process it seem rather easy. It laid all of the praise on the organization that is known as Weight Watchers and downplayed my role in the transformation. I was the perfect spokeswoman (unpaid) for

weight watchers. And let me stop and say that the weight watchers program is wonderful. I am a lifetime member and when I get back to my goal weight I will return to meetings for the community support! However I laid all praise at the feet of the weight watcher corporation.

Weight watchers was a crutch. Weight watchers was a tool. Weight watchers was accountability.Those things are great.   However weight watchers didn't lose the weight. I did. Weight watchers don't exercise for hours in end. I did. Weight watchers didn't summon all the will power to eat healthy. I did. Me me me!


This time around I'm accepting responsibility...that means my failures are mine alone. But it also means that my successes are mine and only mine. This is all me!!  I am changing myself...and no one else is responsible....me and me alone!

The Inner workings

Up and about this morning.   I'm struggling.  I know I need to do something active....yet I just don't have the gumption to do it.  I'm sitting here on my computer instead.  GRRRR

I've been doing some thinking the last few days.   It's the same thoughts that I've been pondering so greatly the last few months.   Where am I in this grand scheme of life.  Where am I going in this life journey.  Where do I want to go.  What can I be doing to get there.    Eventually the thoughts evolved into, How can I live with what I have and maintain happy existence.  Life sucks sometimes.  And too often I've let life beat me down.  I cower in a corner and cry.  I run away from problems and ignore them.  I throw up my hands and give up.  It's human nature.  It's easier that way.  Less combative, less confrontational and I used to think less painful.    However, ignoring some of these issues in my life, or rather pushing them under the carpet (some by my own decision...others by the decisions of those around me) only brought me heartache.  I lost myself in the process.  My personality slowly crawled further and further inside me.  I feared for a while that it had died.  Each day was literally a chore as I put one foot in front of the other.  I didn't know what was out there worth living for. 
A month or two ago I was wallowing in the despair of turning 40.  Yes, 40 hit me hard. It's not so much the number, it was the realization that I had reached another milestone and my life was nowhere near what I wanted it to be.  Financially, maritally, health wise.  My life seemed like it was in the pits and I was literally despondent.  I sat back and decided that the only thing I COULD change was my weight.  I started there.  Slowly thinking about it....making changes....starting.  Taking control of my food addiction gave me the courage to look into other areas of strife within my life.   I don't have control over the other situations....but I DO have control over how I react to them.  And my reactions are what will make them slowly get better (hopefully....in theory at least) or degenerate further.  I had the courage to face one dead on.  It was rough...it still is rough...but hopefully at least one thing will be squared away within a short amount of time.

The side effect of facing these issues head on?   I find myself smiling more.  I find myself happier throughout the day.  (yeah, I still have my down moments because stress and strife is still stress and strife).  I am rediscovering who MaryFran really is...and you know what????   I kinda like her!

You see, this healthy journey is not just about muscles and fat.....it's about working out the inner demons that battle within us!   Will I eradicate these demons totally?  Probably not (although one can hope and dream).   Will I never have problems?  Of course not....that is life.   But will I make choices that allow me to work through problems instead of allowing these problems to fester within me and thereby steal who I am and my inner joy?? Absolutely....I don't want to be lost anymore!  My choices will in the future benefit me!

You know, maybe writing this instead of getting on my exercise bike was a good thing.  Maybe I needed this just as much if not more than the exercise.   (no, i'm not saying that I don't need the exercise)

Choices

I've been thinking a lot lately about choices. In particular, I've been thinking about how we make our choices and what shapes our choices. So many of our decisions are based upon our life experiences and upbringing. The circumstances that surround us. But really, aren't those things really just excuses for not owning up to our choices?

Let me backtrack and share how I came around to this thinking. I've talked on here once or twice about my teaching experience. My last year pursuing that profession was totally horrible. The kids were not 'bad' even when they acted out in a truly horrible manner. They were products of their environment; a rough neighborhood, parents that were very young and an administration that decided that they didn't want me in their school simply because I was the wrong color.   Just recently, I started to think about those kids. They are not kids any longer. They are all in their early twenties (seriously I just dated myself didn't I?)   Maryland has a very easy to access judicial system website for cases that are public record.  I decided to pull out an old class list (I knew I had one in storage somewhere) and check their names.  It took me a while to find the paper I needed, but earlier this week I started looking.   Of the 33 students in my 4th grade classroom, 12 of them were free from having any accessible record within this state. (could be in different states and who knows what they did during their years as a minor..years I don't have access to).  There were traffic violations with at least 6 of those violators being driving on suspended licence.  I giggled at former student that had a case against him for failing to pay them metro fare and even the unrestrained unruly dog made me smile.  The paternity and child support cases made me sad because I realized that these kids were just following the footsteps of their parents...they were stuck in the cycle.  They had choices but they were not making the difficult choices and breaking free from vicious cycle that was pulling them down.  There were quite a few of my previous students that were picked up for theft....of which one of them was armed robbery.  There were a few drug charges.  But my jaw dropped two times.  TWO of my students, even though they are only in their very early 20's have been charged with Murder within this state and since adulthood.  (Murder in the first...both of them).    As bad as that year was...this breaks my heart.  Those kids HAD the world in front of them.....they could have made so much from themselves.  It was all their choice.  Those kids had choices in life to make....and so many of them have apparently made the wrong choices.   You can say 'product of their environment'....but that really IS a cop out.  They made those choices....the consequences have always been clear.  I know that they were clear...I was their teacher.  These kids told me back then that they were going to become prostitutes...we talked about consequences.  One of these kids told me that they were going to shoot me......consequences were discussed at that time too.  They KNEW the consequences....yet they STILL made negative choices that they will have to carry with them the rest of their lives.

So how does this relate to this blog and my weight loss????    Haven't I done the same thing?   I have always known that obesity kills.  I have always known that being obese would adversely affect my health.  I knew that my obesity WAS affecting me.  My cholesterol is high.  I have already blown out my knees.  Obesity has come knocking and started wreaking havoc on my body.  Yet I continued to make choices.  I tried to say "well, it's my upbringing...I come from a foodie family"  but guess what......that's an excuse!  I knew the consequences of eating.  Yet I still did it.  The choice has been mine since I was old enough to know better!  Choices.......we really do shape our lives with our choices......circumstances do not shape our lives.  It's how we personally react to those circumstances....the choices that we make that shape our lives. 

I've made the choice to be healthy and I'm not looking back.  There are no excuses.  I know that there will be days where I'm not totally on target, but it's by no ones fault by my own.  It is MY choice and no one elses.

This morning I woke up.  I didn't do much in terms of exercise yesterday and had planned to do the next day on my couch to 5 k training program.  I woke up and looked out the window to see the weather.  DRAT!  Snowy.  (as evidenced on the door of my car in the picture)  Not a whole lot of snow...just a dusting. But a dusting of snow and a nice little sheen of ice.  Ice is not something that I want to be running in.  Luckily for me, this was my 'come in late day' at work.  I didn't have to be here until noon.  I took Todd to the studio (still sharing a car...hopefully within the next week or so we will be back to being a two car family) and then went home and did a bit of stuff around the house until about 10 or so.  And then I headed off down the road.  And I did it.  Week three is complete!

I'm proud of me for FINALLY making the right choice.   As I've looked deep, I have realized that I really do like who I am.  The love affair with myself has begun again. Happy Valentines day to me!

 

The war within

I stood poised this morning.  I was in the bathroom.  My foot hovered over the scales.  I was ready to tap the scales and step onto them to see where my weight is.   I wanted to check it so bad.  But I had made my vow earlier this week....no jumping on and off the scales due to the risk of getting disgusted as the scales do weird things.  The mental dialogue about the scales started while I laid in bed immediately following the alarms annoying chirp.  I want this so bad.  I want to lose weight and get to my goal weight so bad. I know that this is a long journey. And I know I need to be patient.  However, I want it so badly and I want it so badly NOW.   I can taste it (OK, maybe that's a bad phrase to use for a food addict...lol) I want and need the affirmation of the scales.  Yet I know that the scales don't always move the way that I think they should.  So I've vowed that this week I would stay off of them.  This is a journey and I can't expect the scales to drop all the time.  I'm in this for the long haul...and for that you don't need to weigh every day.  Suffice it to say that as long as I'm doing right, I shouldn't be concerned with the numbers on the scale!  Easier said than done.  boy, I didn't realize how hard it was going to be.  My little sabotaging mini me stood on my shoulder and screamed at me to step on the scales.  However, I made the vow....I respect my vow and I threw up my hands and turned my back on the scales.  How many more days until I'm allowed to weigh in?????  

I'm doing good today.  The C25K program allows for a 5 minute cool down walk. I'm thinking I may need to add some simple stretches afterward.  Yesterday afternoon I was just stiff.   Not really achy per se (which I'm happy about since I pushed myself further yesterday) but just stiff.  Some stretching of muscles should take care of that.

Eating...today will be my rough day.  We are going out to eat while we are in Hagerstown...after our dentist appointments (just cleanings) and that way we will avoid the valentines day rush at the restaurants.  I can do this though!   I know I can! 

On another front.  I have realized that I really need to be working on following my dreams.  I love to write.  I have things in my head that need to be written.  So I'm going to make a concerted effort to REALLY sit down and become more disciplined about writing.  For a while I set a word count goal for each day.  I made myself write a certain amount of words each day...with an allowance for one day to miss the goal each week.  It was amazing how much that discipline helped me.  It really did open windows.  The first few days were difficult, but after the first few days the words flowed like honey.  Something happened and I stopped writing daily. I just haven't been able to get back into the swing of things.  (Well, with the exception of this blog...I seem to be doing OK with writing when it comes to this blog).   I don't know that anything will ever come out of my writing.  But I do know this...I love to write and I'm happier when I'm writing.   I also know that sitting back and doing nothing means total failure.  I will be happier in 10 years if I have folders upon folders of written work that went nowhere versus sitting back and wishing that I HAD written something and wondering if I would have had any success. 

Curiousity killed the cat

I'm curious.  I have to admit it.  I would LOVE to look at the scales and see if I've dropped.  After all, I had a horrible week last week.  I was up that 1.1 pound all freakin' week.  I did manage to hold onto my weight loss by only gaining 1/10th of a pound.  Yes.  I was up by 1 tenth of a pound.  I'll take it.  But I know that the pounds SHOULD drop.  I hope they drop.  I want them to drop.  However, I'm stepping away from the scales.  No scales for MF until this upcoming weekend.  You see, my curiosity could very work to sabotage me should the scales be in a fickle mood.  In the meantime, I'm continuing onward.  Eating right, exercising and just living healthy.

Today is fausnaught day.  Donut day to those who don't know what a fausnaught  is.  It's all in conjunction with Fat Tuesday.  Get your last donut before Lent.  :-)   Of course I arrive at work and a customer had dropped off a big box of donuts for us to nibble on. They smell soooo fantastic.  But I'm ignoring the donuts.  No sirree!  I don't have the calories for a donut.   OK...technically I do.  I earned calories this morning with my exercise....so I COULD eat a donut and theoretically be OK.  (I looked 360 calories for a peanut butter donut.)  But I don't need a donut.  Nope.  I'm fine.


Exercise.  Did I mention that I've already exercised???  Today I set out to do Day 2, week three of my training program.  I had every intention of following the plan.  I promise!   Week three is a warm up....then a 1.5 minute run...a 1.5 minute then a two three minute runs and walks..back and forth.  It is capped off by another 1.5 minute run and equal walk.  And of course the cool down.   I started. I focused on my breathing.  I had read that it should be a 3.2 ratio.  Three steps of breathing in through nose...and two steps of breathing out through the mouth.  (that seems to be the generally accepted breathing technique for running...it apparently keeps you breathing in on different step patterns so that your body is not always doing a breath in on the same foot....who knows...).  I did the first run segment and felt great.  I walked the walk section.  I picked up my run and started on my first 3 minute run.  I felt great.  At one point I started to get a bit panicky in my breathing but I was able to quickly pull it back under control and was only out of control for a few seconds.  I caught it quickly and early enough and the breathing never became a problem.

 I walked my  first three minutes walking section....and then started running my next three minute segment.  I felt pretty good.  I wasn't fast...I wasn't pretty, but those are not my focus right now.  My focus right now is just doing it...and my breathing.  The second three minute run went by just fine....it went by so good that I kept running.  I was just curious to see what would happen.  I ran through my second three minute walk.    My program then instructed me to run again for my last run segment..the last 1.5 minute segment.  I kept running.  And since I was feeling so good when that segment was over I ran through the last 1.5 minute walk.  I ran (or whatever you call what I'm doing) for 9 minutes.  WEEEE.  I just wanted to see if I could do it.  I could.  :-)  Of course I had to take a picture when I was done.  :-)And when I arrived back at my car....I was oddly disappointed that it was done.

In this case, my curiousity turned into an epic success!

Well Maybe I Am

Just for clarification, my husband didn't really come out and say that I was slutty.  He just said that my shirt was a bit slutty....and left it at that.  Whatever.  :-)   Here is a picture of us together the other night.   In fairness, I've dressed in jeans, tee shirts and sweatshirts so much recently... so it probably did come as a surprise to him that I decided to pride in  myself.  And yes, he probably does feel threatened with me hot on the trail of weight loss and knowing that there are some huge issues in our marriage. He doesn't have to feel threatened...I love the guy (even with his comment that he made out of his ass the other day)...and really do want my marriage to work.

A few people asked...so I decided to wear the shirt today to work....here am I...sorry, I'm in the bathroom at work.  And yes...it was a black day.  Makes me feel like Johnny Cash....."You look like you are going to a funeral." ...."Well maybe I am!"    The funeral would be the death of the MaryFran that didn't feel worthy!  :-)  You can't see because I'm also wearing black pants..but the shirt is angled at the bottom..the white flower/bead work follows the hem line of the shirt.  So there I am in all my glory.  :-)  As a side note...my parents came down today with my brother's truck to pick up some stuff that needed to go to the dump (my dad loves to go to the dump...go figure).   My mom saw the shirt and was like "That's cute, where did you get it?" 

Tried on my engagement ring today.  Hoping that soon I can wear it again.  You see.  When I was losing the weight the first time my rings would literally fall off my hand. So I stopped wearing them.  I waited until I reached my lowest weight...and held that weight for a while...THEN I had my engagement ring re-sized.  I have a wrap on my engagement ring (a second ring that nestles together with the original)...so it had to be desoldered....resized ...and then resoldered together (or whatever the word is to attach them into one ring).  So it's a bit more costly than a simple resizing.  I regained the weight and I haven't been able to wear my ring.  BOOO.  I am anxiously awaiting the day that I can once again wear my ring. 

So I'm putting the old MaryFran to rest once and for all.  Maryfran is worth all the time and effort that it takes to lose weight.  (and yes, I spend a fair amount of time on it......it truly is my focus right now.).  MaryFran is worth all the time it takes to exercise.  Making my body strong and healthy is just as important as losing the weight.  They do go hand in hand but it really is a separate entity.  MaryFran Is worth the dreams and aspirations.  MaryFran is alive kicking and ready to kick butt!