I am reading the book Becoming Fearless: My ongoing Journey of Learning to Trust God by Michelle Aguilar. Michelle was the season six winner of the TV show The Biggest Loser. For the simple fact that I watched Michelle as she went through the show it is interesting. It is also interesting to get an inside glimpse to the TV show that so many of us watch. I picked it up for those reasons mainly. (Well and it was offered as a freebie on Amazon for my Kindle.) But even more so it's interesting because I also find myself mired in fear.
Michelle writes about how one of her fears was letting the world see that she was not perfect. The fishbowl living that comes with living as a preachers child apparently leaves certain scars deep within. (Michelle spent many of her formative years living in a family who was deep in Christian Ministry). Scars is too harsh of a word. For me it left me with a fear of disappointing those around me when it comes out that I'm not the outwardly perfect person. You see, I was the 'good girl' that didn't rebel and become one of "THOSE bad preachers kids." I wasn't an angel by any means, I was a child. But I it wasn't a rebellion by any means. I kept the 'perfect child/teenager' show up for the fishbowl life that I lived in. I still live with that. The party I as at this past weekend? I was proud of myself because I drank water and ate only one chocolate covered strawberry. I chose to not partake due to my focus on my weight, not for any other reason. (I drink...I'll freely admit it.) However, when they were taking pictures of lines of empty bottles and posting it on facebook I was tagged, since I was present. My first thought was "oh no, people are going to see that and I'm going to be in a hailstorm of negativity." My perfect "good girl persona" was being tested because it looked like I was drinking...heavily. Fear clenched within me, because my 'cover was blown'. I live in fear about being transparent. Maybe it's time to face it...... So here goes......my marriage is in trouble...big trouble. We also made some bad financial decisions and we are struggling financially. I'm not perfect.....life is tough. I have problems in my life. I know that these problems contribute to my weight problems because it is exhausting and overwhelming to smile when your heart is breaking. It is disabling to act like nothing is wrong when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and forget.
I'm not perfect. I'm tired of pretending that life is one happy party. (although this blog has been one place where I had already opened up) It's only hurting me....
The thought of the fear though. It makes me begin to wonder if I'm afraid of losing weight. Does fear keep working as a sabotaging tool for me? I have been overweight for three quarters of my life. It's what I know. I loved how I felt when I lost weight, but the world was so new and different. Fear of the unknown...it's a terrible thing. Is fear keeping me from really changing within.
My only thought about this is to accept that there will be change. There is unknown. I am going to face it head on. Last year I traveled by myself for the first time EVER. Fear gnawed at me. I knew it was a stupid fear so I ignored it and carried on. Of course I was fine.....I had known it would be, even as I was wracked with fear. That is how I plan on carrying forward. I'm going to acknowledge that I have fear in my life. But I'm going to also acknowledge that most of my fears are unfounded and carry forward. Fake it till I make it!
Sounds interesting. I like to say that I don't care what others think & such but I do, we all do really don't we? That combined with all the other insecurities.... gotta work through them so I can shed the layers that try to keep them comforted!
ReplyDeleteInteresting and now you've made me want to get Michelle's book. I know for a fact that some of the things I struggle with come from having lived in that preacher's kid fishbowl. Then there's the fact that I'm the oldest with a wicked perfectionist streak. What a combination!
ReplyDeleteWe all have fears, some of which are unfounded and some of which are real. The thing to do is face them head on because once you do that you're on the way to some sort of a resolution.
I'm so sorr that you are going through so much. I know how cut-to-the-core marriage problems can affect us. They undermine our very core existence. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
ReplyDeleteTry and remember that about 80% (or more) of what we fear, never takes place. We are so busy trying to prepare for the worst thing possible, that we let a lot of good things (even if they seem minute at the time)...pass us by. Try to nurture yourself during these hard times. Whether it's 15 minutes with a good book, enjoying a warmly lit candle, a bubble bath, swinging on a swing...whatever soothes your soul. Take little mini breaks. Look into mind meditation to go within yourself to calm yourself.
And hugs to you for sharing, and for your struggle.
MaryFran - I don't have any words of wisdom. Just want you to know that your post touched me and reminded me of things I also feel.
ReplyDeleteIt is one thing in life I have been known for telling people I don't have time to make everyone happy. I am who I am, take it or leave it. This has often made people think I was a b*tch or a snob, but really I just don't have time to "please" everyone.
ReplyDeleteWay to go on not drinking at the party. I drink to, not to get drunk, but as a I enjoy a glass of wine type drink. Keep it up!
We all have fears Mary Fran and I'm sorry for you your marriage is in trouble, financial difficulties don't help with that. But I wish for you that you can work it out together.
ReplyDeleteThe being afraid of losing weight is an interesting one. When I read I thought if I might be afraid of that too (without knowing it) because I've been trying so long, that it's almost scary because what if I reach goal weight: I can no longer talk about going to try tomorrow. No I have to do it to get there and keep it off.
By the way: I always keep on smiling and do as everything is allright. Also because not the whole world has to know/see my problems.
Your post was very brave and total opposite of fearful. You are fearless! I feel afraid of the possiblity of failure in losing weight. My failure is maintenance. But I will have to be more fearless like you!
ReplyDeleteSherry