Turning 40 has been a difficult proposition for me. As the date grew closer, I struggled. I know that it's just a number. I know that i'm the same person at 39 that I am at 40. My problem came with the introspection that one does at milestones. The big change to a new decade is one of those milestones. .....sometimes it's just the 'new year' reflection....it can be anything. I started reflecting on where my life is. I thought back to my hopes and dreams and where I wanted my life to go. I found out that where I wanted my life to go and where I am are two different things entirely. Life took some very divergent paths. Changing course isn't the worst thing in life. I know that. The problem is that my paths left me in a place that I do not like. My path also dropped me into a plae where there are seemingly no way out of. It's 'accept' situations. Most everything I have absolutely no control over. One of them is the teaching situation. Yes...I still despair about the loss of my dream. (and I HATE when people try to say that that option is still open to me.....it is NOT open to me...when it's suggested and I even think about it, it restarts the nightmares, the health issues, etc etc etc) I also despair about the loss of my dream of having children. My life has huge voids and nothing has ever taken the place of these dreams and one or two other dreams that have been trampled and killed. I'm in an unhappy place and I don't know how to fix it.
There is however ONE thing that I do have the power to fix. That is my weight. That is the motivating factor behind my push recently. Idon't have power to change anything except myself. I can take steps to try to change the direction on SOME of the things...ie really dig in deep and search for a new job...one that pays better to help the financial situation....but for the most part there is nothing I can do. Except for my weight.
I am happy to say that my 4 day weekend birthday extravaganza (the home kitchen was closed, we ate OUT every meal...well except for some quick breakfasts) only caused ma a one tenth of a pound gain. And I'm thinking that there is some water retention going on as I drank next to NOTHING this past weekend. At least I hope. :-) Either way, i'm hot on the trail of weight loss for this upcoming week.....as a newly minted 40 year old.
