isn't the world pretty????

Success breeds upon itself.  I am feeling more alive and ready to face the world.  I know that I don't have my weight 'conquered'.   I will NEVER conquer this weight thing.  It's not possible.  I have a food addiction.  I will struggle with that demon until the day I die.  I've hopefully learned my lesson about how easy it is to fall.   And yes, I fell hard.  But I'm on my way back.  I'm losing again.  I'm eating right.  I'm feeling more alive each day that I retain control of my weight.  I am down about 8 pounds ....small beans in what i have left to lose (but still if I go from my highest weight ever I'm 72 pounds lower than that...so that's a good thing!)  But with each day I feel more alive and more ready to face the world.  I have more energy and sitting on the couch with my laptop in front of me no longer seems appealing.  I want to be doing something.

So maybe that's my next step...what in the world can I get into in the evenings.....break the habit of sitting on my butt doing nothing.  :-D

Zumba tonight.  I'm going to an early class (since this is my afternoon off) so that I can be home in time for the face off for game 7 of the Caps versus Bruins game tonight.  I'm also trying to talk my husband into going out for a bike ride this afternoon....it's a little chilly...but not 'cold' so I may be able to get him to go.  :-)   In lieu of a bike ride, maybe a walk.  Something outside...something active.  I have a plan for this evening too....a plan that would keep us up off the couch and moving around too!  (moving some desks and furniture in the house....normally I would do it on my own...but I'm not touching his computer desk without him!)

I"m contemplating restarting my photo a day project.  It really keeps me looking at the world in a really cool way.  Always looking for the beauty around me.  And as I retake my life.....I'm seeing more prettiness.

Sometimes...

I'm steadily dropping.  Some days it's a bit up...some days it's a bit down...but I can see that it is a downward progression. I'll take it!  :-)  This morning puts me just about 7 pounds down in 2 weeks time.  Once again...I"LL TAKE IT!

Yesterday was difficult.  We went out to breakfast.  I ordered pancakes and of course with those three pancakes (I may or may not have licked the plate clean...I'll never tell)  I blew about 800 calories.  Now seriously, I get right around 1200 -1300 calories a day....and I blew 2/3 of my calories by 9AM in the morning???    Todd and I had a late lunch/early dinner at 2PM.  I counted everything out and I was JUST over my calories for the day..I was at roughly 1400 calories. I was ok with that...but had a long evening ahead of me.  Around 6 I was hungry.  I wondered if it was stress and emotions.  I tried to bury my thoughts and do something.  I wondered if it was thirst.  I drank some more.  And at 7PM, I decided it was NOT those things...(well, not 100% those things) and i had some baked tortilla chips, some salsa and a pb&j sandwich ...and felt 100% better.  I had no more problems that evening with wanting to eat.  So it was with fear that I stepped on the scales tonight. I was WAY over my calories.  But surprisingly, I was down.  not much. 0.2 pounds...but I was not UP!  :-D

So I guess sometiems we really do need to listen to our bodies!

Wednesday

Last week I lost 5.8 pounds. I tracked every day.  I gave up soda (again...even diet....I will drink one here and there eventually, right now I"m not tempting myself).  And ohhh, did I mention that I lost 5.8 pounds It was a great start! 

This week I'm re-introducing exercise after my 2 week hiatus.  I'm hoping that the two weeks was enough of a rest for my foot.  I have decided to not attempt the running thing at this point.  Does that mean I'm letting that dream of running a 5k go? No, I WILL do it.  But I want to get some of this weight off before I take up that high impact activity.  So I'll be sticking to my bike, walking and zumba for a bit.  :-) 

This morning got up and it was raining...but walked anyway.  Came home and changed into dry clothes and heading to work.  Today will recommence the 'I will not be the first person to sit down' bet with a co-worker.  Last Friday we started this and neither of us sat for the 4 hours we worked side by side.  (that's odd...we normally sit on our butts all the time).  I got a text from that co-worker throwing down the challenge that since we will be at neighboring desks today that the challence recommences for the 4 hours that we will be together today.  (hey, I figured it out..that will burn an extra 400-500 calories!)   And then tonight...ZUMBA!  :-)

So I'm working it.   I've been within my calorie range for the last week and I'm trucking along!  :-)

To weigh or not wo weigh

That is the question.  I've heard proponents of both sides to the weighing daily debate.  I think it goes for each individual person.  For me, weighing each day in the morning gives me something tangent to hold on to. My number for the day is in my head all day (or for 6 days like earlier this week...lol)   It grounds me and sets me up for the day.  It rewards me when it drops.  It chastises me when I've done something wrong.  But it grounds me.  That said, I've learned so much about my body from my daily weigh ins.  For example, I know that when I'm drinking straight water and my body is used to that routine, that having a diet soda actually causes my weight to shoot up the next day. I know that it's temporary and sometimes worth it.  Why?  Look at the label...SODIUM!  I know when the monthly ick will appear, simply because my weight pops 2 days before hand.  When you weigh every day, these daily fluctuations actually become routine and explained. It's knowledge.

When I had been approaching my goal weight, I set a plan up in my head.  Weigh every day for the rest of my life.  (or every day possible).  I was willing to give myself a 5 pound leeway.  I knew that the normal daily fluctuations would be all accounted for within that 5 pound give or take.  I however made a vow that if I stayed on the upper side of my weight for a few days to work to get it off.......and if I hit the 5 pound mark...to panic and really work!    Simple plan.  My problem....I reached my goal weight and put the plan into motion.....and the very next day went on vacation, where I didn't have access to scales.  Yup, I stepped on the scales when I got home and saw I was 10 pounds up.  I had also gone wild and gotten a taste for the 'wild side' of food.  And I never recovered.  Lesson learned (the hard way).    I still think my plan is the way to go.  But hopefully this time when I reach goal weight I will actually implement the plan!!!!  

So weighing everyday now gives me motivation and drive, and is setting me up for the rest of my life.

(stayed the same today...which I'm happy about ...I ate chinese last night...that usually causes my weight to pop up a bit.  LOL)

FINALLY

FINALLY, finally my weight has budged. I've been stuck on the exact same weight for the last few days 5 days...or is it 6.  LOL   Either way...same poundage, same ounces. It's been incredibly frustrating!  But today, it dropped.  YAY!

I've managed to log my food intake all this week.  I'm pretty happy with that.   That's a huge first step...getting back into making tracking a habit.  Actually today's food has all been accounted for..I know what I'm eating all day.  :-)

Exercise....I'm on hold.  I've been really trying to take it easy on my foot...give my foot a break.  The foot is feeling much better, so I may jump back into exercise this weekend.  :-)  (with a new pair of tennis shoes to see if that helps also).

Tuesday

My weight is hanging out at the same number.  I'm getting my eating back in line though, so I'm feeling ok about it.  I dropped diet soda (that was ALL I was drinking....I want to make water all I'm drinking with only an occasional soda as the exception) and predictably, today my head is POUNDING.  Caffeine...what lovely stuff.  LOL

Thinking back and rediscovering some yummy healthy foods that I haven't made in a while.  I made Lemon Mousse and topped it with  Strawberries  today.  (well, I made the mousse last night)  So tasty and calorie expenditure is low and well...FRUIT. :-)

Easter Sunday

My weight is not budging, but it will.  Easter Sunday...no candy for me.  And while I haven't yet put my food consumption into my food journal, I'm reasonably sure that I'm ok.  :-)

Today we got up and headed out into the woods behind us.  We took the metal detector and shovels and worked played around a bit with that.  We took bags and kept our eye out for mushrooms.  And for the first time in AGES, I took my camera with the plan to take a picture of 'something'.    We hiked around the woods for 2 hours. 

We returned to our back yard and entered out house at 12:30.  I made a quick lunch and then we headed out with our bikes and did a short ride. 

I have to say though.....I'm absolutely whipped right now.  I am exhausted (I shouldn't be, I took a 2 hour nap yesterday and slept 10 hours last night) and I ache.  My wrists hurt, my knees hurt, my feet hurt...and my back is sore.  I'm just a walking ache-fest.  LOL  But I pushed on and completed my ride.

Riding makes me really think about reevaluating my plan to turn myself into a runner this year.  I'm really struggling with my left foot.  It hurts.  Riding has no impact on that sore foot and I was able to be out for an hour and doing something acitve, but I don't feel like it is any worse than when I started.  So I really may have to reevaluate this jogging thing...at least until I get a bit more weight off. 

Hurt

It hurts.  I had a half of cake sitting at my house.  I momentarily thought about cutting it into small pieces and freezing it for later. (that approach really does work when you have some control...because sometimes you really do need something sweet...and if you have a small little something in the freezer that you can pull out and pop in the microwave a few seconds....it's great...portioned and everything).  I chose not to do that though.  I have no control at the moment.  Cake...why yes I do believe I will have a piece.  The freezer is tooo close.  So ignoring the hurt, I carted the cake to the garbage can and upended it into the can.  Yup, I threw out a perfectly good cake. It hurts to throw away food that tastes so good.

Hurt...seriously....maybe I'm just too gullable and believe what people say to me.  Because then when it proves to be untrue it causes hurt. 

My foot....HURTS.  Started a week or two ago......at first it was just twinges after exercise, but it's elevating and getting worse.  So I'm not sure what's up with that.  I know that yesterday at work, wearing my shoes was torture (ok, I wasn't tortured long, I just kicked my shoes off and went barefoot....today I'm wearing clogs so that it's easier to slip them back on when I need to). 

Hurt.....actually worry and frustration.  I want to exercise.  Yeah yeah yeah, never thought I would be writing those words!  But I want to continue on with my quest to becoming a runner.  I want to go to zumba.  I want to!  So my feelings are hurt....I want to...but I'm realizing that I need to figure out what's happening with my foot.

So hurts that emcompass emotional, physical, mental...etc etc etc.  BUT a step in the right direction.  Throwing that cake away was DIFFICULT.     I'm working to set up an accountabililty network.  I'm working on it.

Self Flogging over

Ok, the self flogging is over.  I'm not saying that I'm chipper, up dancing naked in the streets (holy hell that would be a sight!..and not a pretty sight!).  But I sat down yesterday and wrote in my private journal for a while.  I broke my unhappiness down into segments and actually looked deeply at the problems.  Some of them do make me feel backed in a corner with no way out...but you know what.  My weight is NOT that way.  I see a glimmer of light.  I've scaled that wall before. I KNOW I can scale it again.  So I'm going to focus on that right now.  My weight.  Focus on the light..and move toward it.  Hoepfully some other things will fall into place while I'm doing that.....or hopefully when I scale that weight wall that I'll be able to see some other things more clearly...and see other glimmers of light that I can follow.  But I know that the weight issue is the one surefire thing I have the power to change right now. 

That said......self worth.  I am strugglign with that.  Not feelign worthy of so much...and if I"m not worthy...why would i take the time to lose my weight.  Seriously?  I'm gonna fight that thought too!

Soooo meanwhile....I've been exercising.  Trying to get out there and run.  Going to zumba.  Really working it.  And I'm feeling it.  The old arthritic knees are aching. They are a nuisance...but I know what's wrong. The thing that concerns me is my foot.  I'm having some sharp burning pains in my one foot.  Mostly after I exercise......rest helps..but when I exercise it kicks back in.  I can stay off it for a couple days and it just flares back up if I use it.  Hmmmmm....

I have not died or disappeared off the face of the earth.   I was so 'up' and then I was just tossed back to the ground.  Pretty much all my strength and focus has been keeping my head above water.   The sad part, I eat horribly out of my pain and frustration....and that just brings more self loathing.  I keep saying I'm gonna stop...but seriously, that's so much easier said than done...especially when you are constantly fighting your emotions.  Would it be easier if I just curled up in a corner and cried my eyes out?  If I just gave in to the pressure?   I don't think I'd ever stop.....

Oh well....I'm not saying there aren't good times.  I've had some really good times where I feel almost like myself.