I'm much more at peace right now about everything. Few things about it....
I say I'm at peace. I'm not saying I won't cry ever again about this. Sometime in the last day or so I gathered myself up and really thought about some things that Chris had said in passing while we talked about various things. One thing was "I live with no regrets. I make my choices and decisions based on what I feel is the best. I may chose wrong, I may fuck up my life (sorry, these are his words not mine!), but I can hold my head up and have no regrets because I chose based on what my heart and head said to do." The other thing was so simple but whenever you said something or expressed concern about something that had happened or was happening to him he said "It is what it is." Sometimes he would expound on that line to add "it can't be changed so there is no use feeling sorry. Back when he would say stuff I sat there and thought about how harsh that was.....and yes it is. But in theory, it's the only way to be. Accept what life dishes out and move on. Chris tried to adhere to this.....don't think he always succeeded...but he tried. The other major thing that I'm taking away from my friendship with Chris.....live for yourself, do not try to be someone you are not, do not try to fit into a mold that is not suited to you. Live for yourself...be your own person. March that that different beat if that's what you hear in your head...and hold your head high doing it, some people won't understand but that is their loss. Stifle who you are and you lose in the long run.
The other thing that I can thank Chris for? He was always full of compliments. For someone whose self worth has been shaken to the core his kind words were a balm to my soul. For that I will be eternally grateful.
All this said, I miss my friend more than words can say. I keep waiting for my phone to vibrate with a "morning sunshine" message. Or for him to tell me some quirky story or play me some piece of music that he just knew I needed to hear. Or for him to just chat about life happenings. His death leaves a big hole in my life.
Todd and I were talking yesterday and we started saying "there are somethings that don't add up about Chris' death being called a suicide. He was making plans for the future. He was setting up a record label with another mutual friend and was very excited about it. He and I had plans to visit ESP (Eastern State Penitentiary) in Philadelphia with our cameras. Thursday night he told me about something he wanted to experience before he died...no NEEDED to experience (and there is no way he experienced it in the two day interim). Yes, he talked constantly about "giving up" and "suicide" and such....but honestly, that was Chris. So Todd and I started to doubt the original email from this 'close friend' that told us it was suicide. I did talk to his brother a bit and like Todd and I said, until the toxicology reports come back...they won't know. But, his brother said that Chris had to do lists and such and every indication was that he planned to wake up. I have my suspicions and I think it could have been accidental due to a reckless act (taking too much of one medication in conjunction with another...all taken innocently, but recklessly in an effort to get relief from some various ailments) that he chose to take...knowing what could happen but willing to take his chances because he felt as if he had nothing to lose. Just my suspicions.
Am I still depressed....yeah. This has shaken me to the core. Will I try to climb out again? Absolutely. If for nothing else than that Chris wouldn't want me to sit in a funk. Will it be easy? Heck no. I knew when I started to dig my way out a few weeks ago (or was it a few months...whatever) that it was going to be a long hard road. I'd allowed words and situations to win and I had stopped being me in the process because I thought that's what people wanted. Every situation is still there facing me....I now have the grief and loss of my friend to compound that. But I'm worth it, I'm worth the effort. Chris told me I was....in the way he treated me. In how he talked to me. And in his actions toward me.
So here we go with the trying to find things to be thankful amidst the ruins of my life as I attempt to put the pieces back together.
March 25, 2011
Today I am thankful that my life was touched by the man that was Christian 'Chris" Harvey. While his death has caused me sadness, his life has given me so much more.
For me today: I dont' know what I'm going to do FOR ME. But I'll come up with something.