Just had an epiphany! I realized and remembered (it just came to me out of the blue) that when I first lost the weight that I really didn't have much success until AFTER I basically sat back and said "you know what? I like myself the way I am" I wanted to lose weight still, but my losing weight wasn't contingent upon my self worth. And you know what? I lost weight.
Somewhere along the way though, I lost my focus anddrive. I switched away from the original motivator that started this....and that was to lose weight for MYSELF and instead started to use other motivators. I made comments to myself that "when I finish losing this weight, this problem will go away or be miraculously fixed...becuase the weight is causing it" Life would be grand. However, life wasn't grand.....the problems and difficulties didn't go away. They were still right there...and since those problems had become the motivator, I gave up....and gained some of the weight back.
So here I sit.....pounds heavier again. I swore I would NEVER again weigh over 200 pounds...yet here I sit. I am filled with self hatred and self disgust over where I'm at. I struggle with accepting myself at this weight. I remember how good 180 felt! And I have refused to accept me for exactly what I am......ME. Is it going to be easy to aceppt this current weighted me? NO!!!!!! Do I feel at all lovable? Worthy? No!!!!! Not all all. Circumstances have beat some of that out of me. But I'm going to have to work on saying to myself "Maryfran, no matter what you weigh......you are an ok person....and I accepted you at 180 pounds, I accept you now at 200 plus pounds. I accepted you at 250 pounds....and 275 pounds. And you know what....I accepted myself at 315 pounds, my highest ever. No matter what I weigh, I'm the same person inside and losing the weight only makes that same person stronger!"
Now, I"m not saying that I accept this weight....meaning I'm going to throw out my 'thin' clothes (the ones I hope to wear again) and go out and actually finish buying a wardrobe for my current size (I've bought the bare minimum...lol). No, I still want to lose. But I refuse to downtalk and beat myself up anymore. I'm who I am. I have an addiction......I did it to myself. But you know what....that's what makes MaryFran intrinsically me!!!!!
