I WILL

I don't know what clicked.  But last night we were driving home from dinner and I just knew it was time.  I am ready to get started with this weight loss.  I'm ready to put the time into cooking healthy.  I'm ready to put the time into exercise.  I"m just ready.  

Last night we stopped at Target to return a movie (The Kings Speech...excellent movie, we liked it so much that I bought a copy for Todd for Christmas and he bought a copy for me for Christmas...LOL)   We used that return money AND some Christmas money to actually pick out some games for the Kinect that "santa" gave me.  We finally had time to set it up the other night and played the games that came with it...but I had originally wanted the Kinect for the dancing games.  Todd wanted it for the boxing games.  :-)   So we picked up a few games.  I came home and did a '20 minute zumba workout'.  I worked up a sweat.  :-)  Just like a zumba class...the time FLEW by!

I talked for quite a bit with my brother last night at dinner.  I have left him off the hook (momentarily) about training with me to participate in a triathlon.  I have too many loose ends on my own to clear up and get in line to do that on my own.  BUT, I told him that I would be calling him for a different project.  What is that project?   Well.  On my bucket list one item is to ride another quarter century.  Another item is to ride a half century and then of course the grand-daddy of them all....to ride a century!  Why not complete all three items in one fell swoop?   A century would do it!  SOOOOO  I'm on the lookout for a road bike.  I've been for quite some time looking on Craigslist and keeping my eye out at other online places for a decent road bike.  I had estimated that I would need a 52cm or a 54cm size....my brother also without my saying anything also said the same.  Haven't seen anything out there yet in the times i've really seriously looked over the last year. (admittedly I go through spurts where I look a lot and then spurts where I don't).  SOOOO anyway, when I get get myself a road bike, I'm going to be starting to train for a Century ride.  I also told my brother...no cheating.  No Metric Century......I want to do a complete 100 miles!  (yes, he said he would do it with me!  He says I should aim for a 200 mile two day ride on Mothers day weekend....hmmm if I got a bike quickly, that would be fun...pushing it...but fun!)

So it's just a thing of getting that bike.  Yes, I have a really nice bike.  I bought a Trek Navigator about 10-11 years ago.  My Trek is a GREAT bike.  It has treated me well.  It's PERFECT for jaunts on the canal.  And honestly, I do not plan on getting rid of my Trek Nav.........but it's time to add something that will help me acheive my goals.  (Even when I was training religiously on my bike, my top average speed was still only 12-13 mph.....because comfort bikes will not get you the speed...and do do a century...I need to get the speed.....)

So in the meantime, my exercise/fitness plan is to just do SOMETHING active on a daily basis.  I'm not setting some fitness routine at this point.  I'm not in training mode (at this point) which requires me to ride certain times and days and amounts.  That is subject to change at any moment....but i'm just going to MOVE.  I CAN start riding my bike ASAP because riding my comfort bike WILL help get me into riding shape (I need to get a new tube...I've had a flat tire since the end of May early June..).  I CAN religiously go to zumba (when it restarts on Jan 9.)  I CAN walk.  I CAN run. (me running...funny funny sight...but I can do it).  Cold days, I can do an exercise video, or turn on the kinect.  I'm NOT going to sit back and say "I can't because I dont' have what I want".    I'm forging ahead!  And I will get that bike....and I WILL ride a century.  This year, hopefully...but I WILL do it!

What if I didn't?

Yesterday I wrote about my goals for the first three months.  I decided it was time to put my 2012 goals down on paper.  They are not resolutions.  They are GOALS.  They are something that I can strive toward.   They are the direction that I want to move toward.  Yeah, I'd like to complete those things.  But the they are goals...attainable goals....and ones I will be striving toward!

I've been doing a lot of pondering lately.  Pondering about money and it's affect on living a healthy lifestyle.   I'm not destitute, but money is TIGHT.  I'm not using this as an excuse for how I've been operating and the weight I've gained.  I am the only one responsible....not the amount of money in my pocket, not someone Else's behavior toward me...it's all me.  But back to the money...  Because it is possible to be healthy and to thin if you have no money.  But it's come to my mind that it's much easier if money is a flowing a bit more 'happily'.

Let me start at the beginning.  For the longest time I've had on my bucket list to complete a triathlon. A few things have held me back.  1.  I've been scared to take the first step.  2.  I have no clue how to go about doing it.  but 3.  I don't have the money needed to outfit myself. (I need a road bike....and some coaching...because I highly doubt the doggie paddle would be sufficient...plus I would need to have a place TO swim).  So when I saw the blurb on CNN that talked about trying to be one of the contestants I jumped at it.....because they were going to give a bike and supply the coaches and whatnot...my eyes lit up!   I could kill two birds with one stone and of course since I would be doing it in front of the world....I'd have to face my fears and just do it!

I've been advised to not wait for some random person to decide my fate...to train for a triathlon myself.  My brother also offered to train with me (from a distance...I'd be training in MD he would be training in IN) and do a tri with me.  But the same problem comes up.  I need a road bike......I don't have the money to buy a decent on.  Decent ones START at $700.  I don't have the money to .......  You get the drift.   But that started my current state of pondering the correlation between obesity and economic status.

Food.  I know that they say that it's just as easy to eat healthy as it is to eat junk food.  But seriously?   Who came up with that.  I go to the grocery store and I spend around 5 bucks for a bag of grapes.  I could go as cheap as a buck for a bag of chips (OK OK OK, at an Aldi's or other discount store...and maybe it's a buck fifty or two bucks....but STILL).   Those two items last about the same....yet the grapes were double the price!   (Yes, I know...buy in season...but 'in season' in the middle of the winter isn't happening....in the summer yeah, I can pick up in season stuff and it puts it a BIT closer to being even...but still not quite).

The grocery store example not enough?  Fast food.....cheap cheap cheap.  Honestly, it is cheaper than most other options! 

Weight watchers?   The program works!  But it costs money.  How many other programs are out there that do work...but they cost money.  Yes, the concept is free.  Calories in versus calories out...have a deficit and you lose.  But those programs assist.   Are they necessary?  NO   Are the beneficial?  Yes, many times yes.

Lets look at exercise.  I've already talked about purchasing a decent road bike.....starting at $700.  Todd and I had for years been members at various gyms.  To the tune of sixty bucks a month! (for the two of us).  We did pare back for a few years and did the ultra cheap gym and that took us to an average (including yearly fees of about $30 a month for the two of us.   Better but still it adds up and hurts the wallet when you are really tight on money.    YES, walking is cheap.  And yes, I do have a bike that is a great bike....for it's purpose...but for the direction I want to go, it's not going to suffice.  And I'll be OK...I have those things, I have videos in my arsenal and such (thank goodness I have a stockpile of videos and stuff  from when we did have more money)  But what if I didn't?  

What if I didn't?  I know that I dont' like the economic constraints put upon me with the healthy lifestyle that i want to live.  I'm not pushing forward toward things that i really want to do because of them.  I'm constantly searching for ways to circumvent the financial issues....but I'm still forced to reconcile myself to them and put certain dreams on hold.   How many other people are in the same boat?  How many other people have dreams of healthy lifestyles but are hamstrung by their finances.  I'm lucky...I have those videos sitting at my house. I'm lucky......we are not destitute, we may have to scrap it together some months, but we both consider it important enough to pay for the healthy foods.    I'm lucky, I have a bike that i CAN ride, even if it's not what I need for my future goals.   I have that.  But what if I didn't?  

Spring Chick Challenge

I'm joining the Spring Chick Challenge....It basically has 5 points that we are focusing on....




1. Commit to a NSV (non scale victory) to be assessed at the start and the conclusion of the challenge.

My NSV for this challenge is to drop a clothing size (and thus be able to get into more of my work clothes...I'm getting tired of my limited wardrobe!)

2. Commit to a set of nutrition parameters and track via MyFitnessPal or Sparkpeople or WW. Whatever tracking works for you. IF you are on maintenance and do not really track. What nutrition goals do your have?

My Nutrition plan is to basically track my food intake and my calorie expenditure and to have a deficit, to burn more than I eat! Right now i am tracking on fitday.com. I have been toying with getting a bodybugg which would mean I'd be switching to that tracking system.

3. Commit to a set of exercise parameters. These can be as loose or as flexible as you feel work for your personality, schedule, etc.

My only exercise parameter is that I exercise for at LEAST 60 minutes 4times a week. I want to aim for more. HOWEVER, I know that I'm just getting started and I need to set a realistic goal! As for what I'll be doing? That's the question of the day. My zumba classes will restart on January 8th.....I want to start walking and whatnot. I am also toying with starting a training regime.......

4. Commit to blogging at least twice weekly and 1 of those times must be you check in with a complete up date on your progress. All other blogs could include new insights, results of weekly challenges, or just letting others know how you are doing.

Not a problem. :-) As I know that I am more focused when I'm blogging......so I'm trying to blog numerous times throughout the week (while I'm at work...so usually monday through Friday)


5. Commit to support... both giving and receiving. Check others blogs and comment as you feel motivated to do.

Once again....not a problem....

The wrong way

Long weekend and honestly...I'm exhausted!  My days started early, my evenings ended late....and I was on the go from the first moment until the last.  My eating hasn't been the greatest.....the only good thing is that I was moving.  Although I have almost entirely stopped the binges....I'm eating at my meals and nothing in between (just chosing bad...I had french fries twice yesterday...lol)  Not exactly exercise but MOVING. (ie yesterday we walked ALL around DC and I was on my feet the whole time!)

Christmas was good.  But it's over and now I'm starting to get my mind game on losing this weight.  I want it GONE....and I'm ready to work for it.

I've been thinking a lot about the weight recently.  I had great success.  I lost over 130 pounds. I was on top of the world.  So why did I gain it back?   That is the question of the hour.  Because I don't want to go through this again.  I want to lose it and KEEP it off.  SOOO thinking a lot......   The first time around I lost for a variety of reasons.  Yes, I lost becuase I wanted to LIVE...I wanted to be healthy so that when the time came to have a baby I'd be ready and healthy...but I'm gonna be really honest here.  I lost to show up someone in my life.  I had visions of seeing this person walking down the street and me so very proud of how svelte I looked.  Prideful?   Absolutely!    Did it work well to motivate me?  Yeah. And yes, I did have that aha moment when that person saw me and I was thin.....but after that initial rush of pride....I was left with nothing...the motivation was done.     Prideful.....absolutely.  Am I proud of it?  No.    

The biggest motivator for me though?   I somehow convinced myself that someone in my life would love me if I lost the weight. I worked tirelessly.  I was so focused and motivated.  I lost that weight.  I was on top of the world.  I was ready to claim the prize.  Only the prize wasn't waiting there for me.  This person didn't miraculously begin to love me more.  This person didn't just look at me one day and say "WOW, you are the greatest thing!"  It didn't work.  I was a failure.   My mission was not a success.  Yeah, I lost the weight, but it didn't solve the woes of my world.  It didn't make my world the happy place that I thought it was going to.   And I started to fall back on the addiction that I had pushed to the back of my mind.  I started to self medicate myself with food.   I ate to drown my failure.  I ate to feel better.  I ate to forget about the love that I so desperately wanted....and I regained the weight.  After all, in the back of my mind I'm thinking...why not be fat again....being thin didn't bring me what i so desperately wanted.

Only, it's NOT my failure.  I just was looking to claim a prize that was not mine to claim.  Oh yeah, I still want that love.....and I am sure that the struggle to NOT self medicate myself with food will be a real and continuing problem in my future.  I'm going to have to deal with the fact that I was a success...but I turned that success into a failure......(but it's gonna be a TEMPORARY failure. )  But the big difference?  This time I'm going to do it because:
 I DESERVE to be thin.
 I DESERVE to feel on top of the world.
 I DESERVE to have men look at me and whistle.
 I DESERVE to be a healthy.
I DESERVE to have a smokin' hot body should any major un-named changes occur in my life.

I am worth it!!!!!!!  I am doing it this time for ME!   ONLY me.  Why?   Because I AM WORTH IT!!!!

Gonna have to remind myself of that daily.....because it's so easy to forget!

Productive progress

Soooo...this morning woke up and after breakfast with Todd I was most productive.  I straightened the living room and bedroom, vaccumed and shampooed the carpets, emptied the dishwasher, loaded the dishwasher, cleaned the kitchen, swept and scrubbed (on hands and knees) the kitchen floor, made muffins for Todd, peeled and chopped my potatoes for tonights dinner, carted the compost down tot he bins, cleaned out my car and made the bed.   I love productivity. 

Interesting.  I feel more alive and part of the world when I've been productive.  How interesting is taht.  The days I"m a sluggard and just laze around the house I feel kinda useless.  But today I feel alive.  Very interesting.  :-)

Yesterday I kept my between meal binges to a nil....non existent binging between meals.  That's good.  I overate a bit at one meal and I didn't eat exactly healthy at another....but at least I didn't binge between meals (which has been a problem the last few weeks......PROGRESS!)

Today I'm working on water and the between meal binging.  :-)  I knew that it woudl be difficult because we ate a late breakfast and then it's a long haul until dinner....so I brought something for a mid afternoon snack.  I knew that if I dind't, I'd raid teh cookies, the candies and all the other goodies that have been dropped off here at work.     Progress. 

So yes, although my steps are baby steps, I'm making progress. 

The plan begins to formulate in my head

I'm losing this weight.....I haven't started, but I'm GOING to lose. My plan right now. I'm not even going to ATTEMPT to try to lose over the holidays. No way, now how. BUT, from now until the new year, I'm going to focus on trying to STOP the binges! If I can stop the binges, then when the new year comes...I'll be in MUCH better shape to really get the eating under control. I'm also thinking that yes I need to get my food under control but I'm going to focus on getting into religious/regular exercise. I know that if I work out in the morning, that I'm more apt to say "heck no I'm not going to negate that workout by eating this cupcake....or inhaling that chocolate!" Sometimes it is worth it to eat something...but for the most part it's actually a deterrent for me.
I'm looking at ways I can motivate myself with exercise. I work best with a goal. A clear cut goal...one that is verbalized and put out there for the world to see and know. I've been thinking. I've been pondering. On my own it's got to be something that doesn't require me to spend much money on outfitting myself or money for special training. (running? hmmmm)   I have a bike, it's not a road bike....it works, but it's not conducive to doing long bike events.   Swimming, that would require me to have access to a pool (drat....)   You know...it sucks trying to be healthy and switch to an active lifestyle when you are tight on money!

Binging madness

I didn't make it long before I feel off the band wagon.  I totally binged the whole weekend.  Ok, so it wasn't constant...but it was too much....it was not the best options.  It just wasn't what it should be.  I know that a lot of it is stress.....loneliness....all that jazz.  But regardless....it was a binge.

SOoooo what am I doing about it?   I'm refusing to even START eating the Christmas cookies taht are sitting on the tray over on the counter.  They are hard cookies...I don't like hard cookies.  I like soft chewy cookies.  So that is my route...dont' like that kind of cookies...so thusly I don't need to eat them.  I KNOW that if I cave and have even one......it will start the avalanche of cookie madness.  Ohhh I don't want cookie madness!

Ate a little much for breakfast. (why did I need a second bowl of cereal...and yeah, I admit it...I ate Apple Jacks...they sounded SOOOOO good...so I had some).   But ok, so that wasn't the greatest...lets just END the binge...that is my focus right now.

My last class of zumba is tonight. The new session will start in January (I think January 9)

Another day of tracking what I ate.  My calories are higher than I want them to be.  I've been at roughly 1800-2000 calories.  But you know what....I'm cognizant of what I'm doing and I'm tracking.  This is the first step.  (and even through the office christmas party I tracked and didn't blow the whole day...kept it right in that same range)

Fitness and finances.  Do they go hand in hand?  Is there a direct correlation to a healthy lifestyle and a healthy wallet?   (No, I'm not saying that if you are poor you can't be healthy.  I'm not saying that at all. I'm just proposing that it is EASIER if money issues are not involved)

Heck, I just had a really long entry written, laying out how expensive it is.....but it depressed me!    Lets just say, yes, you can lose weight on a budget...you can walk, you can run on your roads.  But to add variety into your lifestyle you really do need to have some more fundage.  Eating healthier is costlier.  That's just the way I see it. 

So am I saying that I should just throw up my hands and give up becuase I dont' have much extra money?   Absolutely not.  I will scrimp and save and do what I can to do everything that I need to do in order to lose.  I will substitute when I don't have enough money and I will do it.

BUT, it burns me up that it's more difficult for someone of limited means.  It just burns me up!

A year not wasted

Day two...still not a total success...but I'm cognizant of what I'm doing.  Easing back into this!  I'm gonna persevere!   I've made this journey before.  I said in this blog that I honestly don't look forward to this journey of weight LOSS again (maybe I'll feel differently when the numbers on the scale start diminishing) but this time I'm going to do something different.  This time around, I'm fixing ME inside and out!

Is the year wasted?  No, because I spent a lot of my year in introspection.  I have discovered things about myself.  And in that discovery, I've tried to fix those things that i find lacking and celebrate those things that are strong.

So what have I learned?

1.   Somewhere, somehow in the last years I lost who I am.  I lost the essence of MaryFran.  I have my suspicions on how.  And I'm taking steps to keep it from happening any more. But I am trying to rediscover who in the world MaryFran really is?  This is actually harder than it seems.  Because I've stifled (for various reasons) who i am.  Stepping out and being exactly who you are.  Not worrying about what people thing...just being you is extremely difficult.  (I've done some of it in the face of adversary and disinterest ...but I'm persevering).  Who am I?
      ~~~  I'm rediscovering my long ago hidden sense of humor.   I think in weird ways....very outside of the box and in doing so, it's funny as heck.  Letting those thoughts out have really released a part of me.  I'm not to the point of doing it around everyone...there are still some people in my life that want the 'toned down' robotic Maryfran.  But I'm me.....and toned down robotic is no longer acceptable.
    ~~~~~I'm discovering a passion for photography. I dabble.  I admit I dabble.  Sometimes I just mash the shutter button and hope for the best.  And sometimes, I see the pics I take and I am awed at what I did.  I discovered a while back that I feel more free when I have a camera in my hand.  But it wasn't until I was taking pictures of a co-worker that I realized how different I WAS.  My co-worker looked at me in the middle of our second photo shoot and she said "Wow, you are so different when you have a camera, just so much more fun and funny.....it's like you are a different person."    It was an ah ha moment......another facet of Maryfran
  ~~~~I'm also embracing other parts of me that have been rejected by others...and I'm LOVING it.

2.  Somewhere, probably in the midst of losing ME, I went from being a somewhat confident young lady....to being an approaching middle age fraidy cat!   An example of this.....I've flown before.  Flying did not scare me.  So in late October I booked a flight to go visit my brother.  And for the month preceeding the flight I was in a perpetual state of panic.  Why?  Was I afraid of flying?  NO  Was I afraid of checking in?  NO  Was I afraid I wasn't going to be picked up on the arrival end?  NO  Are you ready?  I was afraid of the connection. if I would have been able to book a straight flight, I would have been peachy, no fear.  But I had a layover....(a very short layover which added to my fear) and would have to deplane and find my way across a large airport , through different terminals and to another gate.  Oh my word. I was flipping out.  I tried to hide my fear. Very few people were privy to my fear.  I knew it was irrational.  I mean, seriously...what's the worse that would happen?  Something out of my control would cause me to miss my flight...so I get re booked and have to wait at a hotel by the airport or in the airport.  That's not earth shattering.  But regardless, it was my fear.  I knew I had to face it.  SO face it I did.  I managed.  Was it a flawless layover (the first was...the return trip was nightmarish.....first plane delayed, no gate to deplane first plane...finally off first plane literally 10 minutes before second plane was set to take off.......deplaned ON THE TARMAC, WILD run across the tarmac, through concourse C....through underground tunnels.....down past gate after gate....until I got to concourse A.....gate A 19 (Concourse A had 78 gates...we are talking HUGE.).......all in 10 minutes, with carry on baggage flying behind me....at a dead run.  Yes, Fat girl RAN...and fat girl made it....and yes, I thought I was going to have a lung explode!  But you know what.  I did it...I made it.  And even if I wouldn't have...nothing BAD would have happened.  Totally irrational fear.  

I still have irrational fears....but I'm looking them in the face (or trying to...some make me cower and curl up in a corner still) and conquering them.  I want the confident young lady back (well...ok, I want to be a confident middle age lady!)

3.  I feel into the trap when I got married that I should be waiting at home for my husband.....at his beck and call.  This is not a bad thing. But it is a bad thing when you do so to the extreme, I turned down opportunities to do stuff with friends.  It deterred me from doing things with myself.  My husband didn't demand it or even expect it from me.  I did it to myself.  (once again, I had my reasons...but we won't go into that here).  I'm trying to break that mold.   I'm not ignoring my husband, but if he's working...I'm NOT sitting at home.  I'm getting out.  I'm walking with friends (Hi Sherry). I'm going to dinner with friends (Hi Karen).  I'm going to zumba.  I'm going out by myself. I'm rediscovering LIFE!

Soooo these are some of the basic things I'm doing to fix ME on the inside.  I've got a LOT more to fix.  But now that I'm fixing that and finding that I really do like me......I know that the weight will drop!!!!

Day one

Ok, so day one was not the greatest.  No.....we are not going to look at the negatives.  Wea re going to focus on the positives. 

Postive things from day one.

I tracked my food!  Yes, I tracked my food intake!

I exercised!  I did my hour of zumba!  Sooo wanted to ditch it and go home after work, but I drove right by my house and went straight to zumba! 

The negative...I will own up to it, but refuse to dwell on it.  My negative is that I made a tactical error.  I ate my lunch at work, but forgot to pack a quick snack...so I ate lunch at 12 or so and then didn't eat again...went to zumba and was sooo freakin' hungry when I got home at 8:15 that I pretty much gnawed the cabinet doors off in order to get to the food.  Yeah, I overate last night.  Tactical error...one I will not be making again!  :-)   Lesson learned, time to move on.

Today is a new day.  Tracking....moving onward......workin' it!

On the road again

I've been here time and time again.   I honestly do not look forward to the journey ahead.  Let me just get this out there.  I am not looking forward to it at all.  I KNOW what to do.  I have the know how.  I KNOW what needs to be done.  The thought of doing it just bores me to tears. 

Will it be worth it though?   Yeah, I know it will.  I want the end result more than anything, so that means that I have to make the sacrifices necessary to get there.

Sooo I gave up my weight watcher membership a while back.  I was a weight watcher from 2006 onward.  The plan REALLY does work.....but you have to work the plan.  I haven't been working the plan for a while.  I know me...I need something different.  I logged onto fitday.com this morning.  Before weight watchers I had some success using that website.  So I'll start there. The only bad thing...don't think they have an app for my phone. (update...they DO have an app!)  But you know what...it worked before, I'll make it work again!  :-)

The time has come to do it.  Maybe I should be totally excited about this journey...but it's just such a long one....one that I feel like I've been doing for YEARS now.  I know that this is a rest of my life thing.....but this journey of losing is the one I dread!

Nothing Ventured Nothing gained!

Saw a blurb on CNN a few weeks ago.  In it they mentioned that they will be picking 6 average viewers (ireporters) to train for a triathlon.  It struck a chord with me (bucket list item 5......to complete in a triathlon).  So I started thinking about it.  I mentioned it to a few people so that they would hold me accountable.  I did the video yesterday and posted it today......for better or worse, I've done everything I can do.  :-)

http://ireport.cnn.com/docs/DOC-716119

Here I am

I missed yesterday.  A good friend encouraged me to check in every day.  Gotta rebuild the habit.  But I'm doign ok with my eating. I'm not setting the world on fire.  But i'm also not shoving tasty cakes into my mouth.  OK OK OK, i've not done that in YEARS.  I'm watching my points.  Eating sensibly.   Slowly retaking control of my eating.  The rest will fall in line!

Believe

I won't even tell you how many times I've listened to this song in the last few days!   It just speaks to me!

I've been walking with a friend once a week for the last few.  Today while walking with her it cemented in my mind that I'm WORTH the effort.  And I can do it.  It may not be the way I want to do it.  It may not be at the rate I lost it before.  But I can do this!  She also said that I need to write in my blog every day. (and she's right, I have better success when I'm writing...it keeps me grounded)  Even if it's only to say "Hiya"   or "How ya doin'"   So here I am.

My goal.  This week I will be focusing on my eating. My eating NEEDS to get under control.  Sitting on the fence and eating 'ok' during 'most' weeks is not cutting it.  It's keeping me from gaining TONS....but the weeks I lose control causes me to gain...  So this week. From RIGHT NOW onward, i'm going to eat RIGHT!   And yes, she's going to be asking me!  I'm counting on it!

the will

Yes, i'm a total food addict...it's ALWAYS my first thought. And the problem with a food addiction. I acn't just remove myself from situations where I will be confronted with my addiction (ie remove myself from bars if i'm an alcoholic, or whatever) I have to confront my addiction each and every day.




I was watching the biggest loser this morning... (taped it from Tuesday night...season opener) .and they said something about how they wanted to lose because they wanted to LIVE. And it hit me....that's my problem. The first time around, yeah, I had lots of reasons to lose. To try to win something back. (that didn't work) To be healthy to have a baby (still childless) But mainly because I knew that my weight was going to kill me if I didn't do anything about it and more than anything I wanted to live. I've been depressed and while I'm not bad enough to even consider doing something like that ....I don't have a drive, a will to live.  I'm just sitting  back and letting life wash over me and what happens happens. That is the crux of the problem........

A little bit of everything all rolled into one

Didn't make it to weight watchers this morning.  Yeah, bad me.  I'm taking last weeks number and my goal is to be lower than that next week. (which will be hard because I'm assuming that this week would have been higher, so I will have to recoup this last weeks gain, whatever it is/was). So why didn't I go?????   Honestly, I know that in my emotional state, if I would have gone in there and seen a higher number, I probably would have just sat down on the floor and cried. Am I up.  I would wager a HUGE bet yes.  Can I deal with that too right now?  NO.  I know it.  So I just avoided.  Is that the best course of action to avoid?  Probably not.  Am I totally avoiding the situation?  NO.  I've got a goal in my head and I'm going to work toward it.  I'm just avoiding the scale.  (oh and well, I just didn't have the energy to actually get up, get dressed and drive into town....I did all that at the very last second before having to go to work).

Yesterdays eating...ok, lunch was a bit much. I forgot to eat breakfast.... Went to a local Italian eatery for lunch and had  Baked ziti, salad and garlic bread. The owner also made us some kind of fried doughy dessert, which was yummy.  I was so full.   Dinner was late and I had a turkey burger on a bun and some mac-n-cheese.  For dessert I had some no sugar added, low fat ice cream (peanut butter ripple...yum....weis brand)

I made it to zumba.  My back was sore when it was over.  I'm going to continue to go.   I can take it slow.  It's just tired and slightly achy..nothing major.

I wish this funk would just leave.  I don't now what to do....where to turn.  I know somethings in my life have to change..but I'm clueless about how to enact the changes that I need (I'm not in control of some of the changes) and the alternative if those changes are not made is just as abhorrent.

So here I am.  Another day into the history books.  Holding on.  Got dealt another blow last night via email.....it is a blow that COULD go either way.  But the down and dirty thought right now is that I'm left holding the bag waiting for a final answer.  Great just what I need on my plate, one more thing to think about.  One more thing to worry about.  One more thing to clog up my head.

My plans for my eating yesterday?  That is the big question of the day.  How did I do with my eating. I did pretty well while at work.  I ate what was in my lunch and only had a few chips that were not in my lunchbox (the special K chips that were in my lunchbox were really stale...oops...so I threw those away and had some regular chips).  Evening.....well.....extenuating circumstances.  Found out yesterday that Todd's great uncle (he was raised with his grandparents though, so for all intent purposes this is his uncle...one he saw pretty much every day growing up) passed away and the viewing was yesterday evening.  So we mobilized and ran over there for the viewing.....and of course ended up at Battleview (the local convenience store...the ONLY one in this dink town) for dinner.  I ordered a turkey and cheese sub.  And when they asked do you want a whole one or a half one.  What do you think I said?   "Why of course I want a whole one"  ~~~~rolling eyes~~~   And of course I had a bag (individual serving size bag) of chips.  AND if that wasn't enough, we hit up the ice cream shop afterwards.. (chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream with peanut butter topping...YUM....I DID order a small).   I didn't eat anything else that evening though...so I guess that's a victory.

Tonight is zumba.......yes, unless something comes up, I'm going.  Baby steps.  And weee, weight watchers tomorrow....I get to go back and see my weight rise.  But no more.....I may have an addiction to food. But food is the ONE thing in my life I do have control over.  I need to take control over this one aspect of my life. 

Silence is....

Silence is fattening in my case.  Historically, when I disappear, I am doing poorly in this weight loss game.  This last time was no different.  I feel off the wagon.  It didn't help that we had vacation stuck smack dab in the middle of my silent period.  Yes, vacations can be healthy and have weight loss results.  BUT mine didn't.  OK OK OK, I'd say about 10 pounds (home scales)....well about 10 pounds on the weight watchers scales tooo....even though our scales are WAY off in what they weigh us at.  (hell, I just put new batteries in the home scales the other week and this morning they won't even turn on....I think new scales will be entering our house tomorrow).   I'm not happy about it AT ALL.  But I know what needs to be done.  Track my food.  Just say no when the urge to snack and eat uncontrollably overtakes me.  Will power baby.  That's what it takes.

The problem?  This is a mental game.  Oh yeah, it's 100% mental.  The choices to eat or not eat something is made in my head. The war within me is fought all in a mental fashion.  I can win the mental game. It takes focus.  I've won it before, that's not a problem.  The problem......I've got so much other.....well...crapola in my mind that I can't focus on the weight.  My mind is whirling in a fever that is unprecedented for me.  Honestly, I just want to curl up in a corner and cry myself into oblivion.  It's not over any one thing in my life.  I can't say that I want to cry because of such and such.  It's just EVERYTHING all combined into one hellish feeling.   I know that my weight is part of it.  Yes, very much so.  But the food addiction overtakes.  Yesterday I fed my addiction.  And I'm going to put it out there...

Woke up, cried for about an hour....ate an English muffin while I packed my lunch for work (all while crying).  I made good choices for my lunch.  I got to work at 10.  By 10:30 I was struggling to hold it together emotionally and my thoughts turned to food (naturally, food is my friend).  My lunch seemed BORING and lackluster....so I called in a food order and went out and picked up a turkey and cheese sub.  I ate that with the soda that I bought.  And then I proceeded to eat the food in my lunch box ANYWAY (throughout the course of the afternoon).....applesauce, cherries, corn, jello cup, 100 calorie pack.  And that still wasn't enough, so I dug into the cabinet at work and ate some chips AND two pieces of leftover snack/granola caramel bar thingies.  I went to zumba and that did make me feel a bit better......came home and had not one, not two but THREE turkey hot dogs and some baked beans.   And after dinner.....why I had a root beer float! (hey, it was fat free ice cream...but not a diet root beer!)   I fed my addiction yesterday.  I tried to eat to down my sorrows.   Does it make me feel better?  It is a fleeting feeling of peace....but everything crashes right back upon me.  I know this.  Yet I continue to eat. 

I'm not going to promise greatness today with my eating.  I'm a food addict.  I'm for some reason depressed beyond reason.  that's not a good combination.  But I'm going to try.  I'm NOT ordering lunch, I have my lunch in my lunchbox.  I did have a decent breakfast (waffles and bacon) and I dont' know what I'll have for dinner.  My plan though is to know EXACTLY what I'm eating for dinner before I leave for work.  I don't want anything THINKING about dinner to occur when I'm in the kitchen.  I am not promising that it's going to be under my points target for the day.  But I am going to try to hold it together and not eat indiscriminately today.  THAT is my goal.

I can't fix my world....but maybe, just maybe if I fix my eating and my weight I'll feel a wee bit better about everything else.

Weigh in

Ok, so the first few weeks back at Weight Watchers my scales and the weight watchers scales were literally within a half pound of each other.  I was happy.  I would be able to keep a pretty close track on where I am in my weight loss.  So  last week I was tickled because my scales showed a nice loss.  I got to the weight watcher meeting and low and behold it only showed me down 2 pounds.  My home scales showed BIG...like 5 pounds. (yeah, that's a lot, but sometimes our bodies lose that way).  So i just chalked it up to "must have eaten something salty (I had eaten out for lunch that day between my home weigh in and my meeting weigh in) and rolled with it.  So my home scales were up a bit the next day so I felt ok.  Fast forward to this week......home scales showed me down 7 pounds from last weeks weight watcher weigh in.  So I felt confident that i would show SOME kind of loss.  NO NO NO.....I showed a gain of .6.   What's up with this?   My home scales are really my gauge.  I go by my weight watcher as my official loss counter...but my home scales are where I really feel and judge my results!  ARRGGGHHHH

This go round is going so much slower.  I don't know if it's becuase I'm just older or if it's becuase this is really old hat. I've been doign this for so long (even when I gained I ws still somewhat doing it).  I'm not sure.  But I dont like slow!  I want instananeous. Yeah, I know that's not the way that these things work. But I want it!

So I plug along.  I'm going to conquer this!!!   SOOOOOO  Even with my weight GAIN this week (and the big gain the last year or two)...I'm STILL 81.2 pounds down from my ultimate highest.  I need to build on THAT and not he measely 4.2 pounds I've lost since re-starting weight watchers!

Down but NOT out.

 I am still experiencing some issues with my back. Nothing debilitating, but just some lingering aches.  I was hoping to get back to zumba this week.  I had made it about a week without pain, felt wonderful.  So Sunday night I packed my gym bag with my clothes so that I could go straight after work.  Woke up on Monday morning.....PAIN.  Nothing major...more achy than anything...but not 100% up to snuff though. So I'm giving it another week.  I'm thinkign about heading to a chiropractor....this has been a month now. 

BUt the good news?   I HAVE restarted weight watchers and I'm holding it steady and I'm at the end of week two!  I'm gonna beat this weight again.  ANd this time, I am NOT going to regain!  NO WAY!

I've been here!

Well, my month of 'trying it on my own' is technically up.  How did I do?   In the first two weeks I lost 6 pounds.  And then life went crazy.  Over the fourth of July weekend I pulled my back out.  I was literally FLAT and couldn't move at first.  HORRIBLE!  I'm STILL in pain and it's two weeks later. So the last two weeks I've not exercised at all....and ate the easiest food to find and prepare as standing upright was a challenge for quite a while...and I've regained 4 of those pounds.  So I AM down.    Will I be joining weight watchers.  I've pretty much decided yes. 

The back....i'm thinking that yes, the extra weight is causing some of the problems.  the back I'm sure would have been healed by now...BUT the garden is producing heavily and that means lots of hours i the kitchen canning....canning is hard work on the best of days.  As in after a big canning session my body just aches...so to START canning and already have an ache, that's just a recipe for disaster.....so my healing has been 2 steps forward one step back.  A constant push and pull.  But I WILL get there.

The weight WILL come off too.  This back issue is the icing on the cake.  I'm not sayign that the back wouldn't have gotten hurt if I wasn't ....well....fat.  But I know that when I was at my doctor approved goal weight that I didn't suffer from as many back aches and knee aches and whatnot.

truckin' on

Took a sneak peak at the scales this morning.  Down a pound.  So i'm happy.   Slowly but surely I'm gonna get there.

I'm very proud of myself for really sticking to a proper eating plan.  I have splurged and had a handful of chocolate chips the last two nights.  But you know what?  I've had the points for them...so I feel absolutely no guilt.  I've also been doing really good with ignoring the diet soda in the evening.  I have been drinking a glass of Crystal Light Pink lemonade in the evenings...and that satisfies the sweet tooth/sweet drink craving.

I'm gonna do this.

Meanwhile, on top of the broken car window (husbands weedwacking produced more than chopped weeds) and the tire issue after I was run off the road by the redneck in the SUV....my shoulder muscle seems to be seizing up again (joy joy).   I have a wart that we 'froze' off yesterday here at work (yeah, I have a crazy job....) and my finger is not feeling to great.  haa haa haa.  And my eye is all swollen and hurts (bad enough that I don't have my contacts in today)  I'm just falling apart!    Don't we shoot animals that are in misery?   haa haa haa

Little nervous about the weekend.  Eating wise...we'll be going to Lancaster County with mom and dad (dad's preaching up there this weekend).....good food.  Eii yiii yiii

Ironic

Ironically enough, usually when I don't blog it means that I've not been on track.  This is not the case. Last week i was dead on...and lost 3.5 pounds.  This week I'm holding steady. I did go over my points one day, but I think I should still be ok.  :-)  We'll see.  :-)    Todd and I have gotten out for some walks and I did zumba last night and plan to again tonight.  So I'm workin' it.

Why haven't I been on........I feel like my life is crashing down around me.  Last friday I had a slight accident (ran off the road), yesterday Todd was weedwacking and a stone flew up and broke a back side window in his car....and on and on.  Life is just crashing around me.  These things just exacerbate the other daily struggles that I've been facing.

Last night I literally just wanted to sit and cry.  I soooooo thought about skipping zumba, but I went, held back my tears and exercised. I went home.  I still felt like crying.  I put together a breakfast casserold for today and ate my dinner.  I wanted to just shovel food into my mouth with no thought.  Food is my friend and I really needed a friend.  But I also realized that it would make me feel good for exactly 2 minutes (or however long it took me to eat it) but then life would come again, crashing around me.  I realized that not only would the same problems still be there...but I'd also have the self chastisment from binging on food I DIDN"T need.  So I stayed with my meal plan and because I did actually have the points, I splurged on a handful of chocolate chips.  Boy did I want more...but I didn't eat anything. I parked my butt on the couch and didn't budge!

This Girl and that girl

This girl feels horrible in her body.  Many times she doesn't do what she wants to do becuase she's afraid that people will laugh at the fat girl. 

That girl has a confidence that is evident

in the way that she walks, and stands and holds her head

This girl doesn't want to be in front of a camera.  The excess pounds squeeeze the happiness and joy from her life.  Everything seems a chore and she's always tired and halfway ill.

That girl poses for the camera.  She has no problem letting the world see the happiness and joy oozing from her pores. 

So what is the difference?  The pictures are all of the same person.  We could say time..."This" girl was younger and hadn't realized the important thigns in life and that "THAT" girl had?  But there is one thing that blows that theory out of the water....and that is the NOW girl. 

I'd like you to meet 'NOW' girl. 

I changed myself from "this girl"  and turned into the "That girl".  I was like a butterfly coming out of it's cacoon.  I felt wonderful.  I felt beautiful.  I felt ALIVE for the first time in years.   I swore that I would NEVER return to "THIS girl" , the overweight sad girl.  NEVER would it happen.  But I lost control.  I've regained (thank heavens not everything) but I have watched the life drain from me.  I'm once again ashamed.  I'm once again not holding my head high.  I'm once again not the happy bubbly confident person,....that person that I KNOW is still lurking inside me.   

I want "THAT" girl back. 

All was not lost

Thought I screwed up last night.  REALLY thought I screwed up.  I ate breakfast at home (waffles) so I used a fair amount of points.  I knew what was being served for dinner so I planned my lunch accordingly.  Which means I had lots of free points fruits and veggies.  However, I was trying something new in my lunch and i hated it...so I threw it away.  So that left me with JUST fruits and veggies.  No problem...all is good. I was actually satisfied after I ate.  The problem came when I was halfway through Zumba....my stomach started to complain.  I was hungry!  I made it through zumba and went home.  While dinner was being finished up, I had a string cheese and one slice of bread with a light skein of butter on it....THEN I ate dinner.  And about an hour after dinner i was still hungry so I had some baked chips.   ~~~~Slaps forehead!~~~~  So i was disappointed with my day. 

BUT this morning I went online to face the music and put in my 'additional' food and of course to take out my uneaten food from lunch (the stuff that went into the garbage).  I refused to look at my totals until it was all entered.   LOW AND BEHOLD...I WAS STILL UNDER BUDGET!  Yes, that deserved caps! 

Fast forward to today.  I packed food in my lunchbox that I KNOW that I'll like.  Because my breakfast today was a bit high.  So by the time breakfast, lunch and snacks are eaten....and I get home from Zumba, I will have only 9 points for dinner.  Not a problem, we have a delicious watermelon in the fridge...and the grapes are pretty darn tasty too.  And peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are my go-to dinner when I'm home alone (which I will be) so I'll be within budget...AS LONG AS I AM NOT SO HUNGRY THAT I JUST GOBBLE FOOD LIKE A STARVING PIG!

Didn't weigh myself today (I try not to weigh after my late night dinners) ...but yesterday morning I was showing down on the scales...so I was pretty happy.  I'm gonna do this!!!  No ifs ands or buts!

As I try this month on my own. todd and I worked up a 'plan' a little motivator.  Basically at the end of the month (we started yesterday...so july 19) we will weigh ourselves and we will be rewarded monitarily for each pound we lose.  (this is a big deal to us because we have 'stipends' ...like an allowance, that we each get weekly that we use for our own personal fun stuff...so extra money is good).  BUT the competition comes into play.  The person that loses the biggest percentage gets double the money.   So we are playing this one.......so encouraging...but also competative.  We'll see how it goes.  :-)

I know that before I ate breakfast I sat down and entered my food into the tracker for today to make sure that i wasn't going over.  :-)   So food tracked for today (breakfast, lunch AND dinner) and I plan on going to zumba tonight.  My legs are a bit sore (3 hours of weeding...so squating....yikes) but I'm going to go tonight!

This is the first monday I'm not exhausted.  However, I can't get too excited....I slept for over 11 hours straight last night. 

Friday Findings

My weight dropped a bit thus far this week. Not much...but some.  I'll take it.  :-)

Why am I finding it harder this time around?   I ask myself that all the time.  I want it just as bad.  Actually probably worse this time.  Why worse?   The same original reasons are there.....BUT now I also remember how GOOD it feels.  And I'm constantly reminded about how awful fat feels!  So one woudl think that the motivation would be so much higher.  But I guess not.

This morning I Stood in my closet grabbing my clothes for the day and I looked at the bins sitting stacked neatly in the corner.  One was see through and I could see about 30 sweaters.....sweaters that I can't fit into. (I had a lot of clothes given to me....clothes that fit me way back when I considered myself successful).  And I got excited thinking about wearing them again.  I have a FULL wardrobe of clothes to wear when I lose the weight.  I'm set.  I just need to get back there!

My silence can only mean one thing.   I haven't really been on track.  The good news?  I haven't really been OFF track.I just have been steady.  I can say that I'm maintaining within 2 pounds for the last month.  The problem?   I'm maintaining this higher weight...weight that i desperately want to lose!  

I have still been attending Zumba religiously.  So I'm getting some exercise. 

The problem?  My knees are KILLING me....the arthritis is in full swing.  I'm tired and exhausted ALL the time.  I wake up and feel exhausted.  (yeah, I actually fell out of bed today because my mind was not working well...and I miscalculated reaching for the cat)   I'm HOPING that it's a combination of making less than healthy choices in my food choices AND the excess weight I'm carrying.  I sure hope so!

So I was thinking about rejoining Weight Watchers.  The program DOES work.  I lost quite a bit of weight through meetings and through the accountability.  BUT, I'm a backsliddin' lifetimer...which means that I have to pay again.  Money is tight right now.  I'm actually doing the program on my own. (I've figured out...I think...enough of the new system that they are doing via the etools...which I actually still pay for).  And I'm goign to keep at it...SOLID.....on my own.  BUT if I don't have any success by mid july...then by August I will rejoin weight watchers MEETINGS.    Hopefully the thought of spending that extra money will keep me on the straight and narrow!

cravings

The craving for chinese food was intense.  I could taste it on my tongue for DAYS.  I wanted needed chinese food.  I could smell it. I could see it (behind my closed eyes).  All I could think about was chinese food.  I pressed and yesterday we went out for Chinese for lunch.  Todd had grand plans to work outside and for me to run the chipper all day....we have ahuge brush piles that have needed to be chipped.  And of course the chipped product makes a GREAT mulch for our flower beds!  SOOOOOOOOO  of course that would be his plan for me to run that cursed chipper.  SOOO I held out and said "fill my belly with Chinese food and I will work like a mad woman for you"  Manipulative?  YES!  But guess what....that Chinese food tasted so good on it's path to my belly!    :-)   And I did give a lot of good hours in the garden working!   And then, if that wasn't enough, I picked strawberries and made a crustless strawberry pie.   I didn't make it to zumba..  This morning I got up and played tennis for an hour and then worked outside for a bit...before coming in to work. 

So cravings.....do we give in to them?  or do we work around them.  I'm a firm believer that we give in to them....because otherwise we will be miserable....and probably eat evrything else under the sun in order to avoid it.  That said...I'm STILL wanting chinese food........maybe I better hold off on chinese again soo soon!  ROFL

How does fat feel?

Moving onward to Wednesday.  Yesterday's eating was right on track!  Zumba about kicked my butt.  Oh my word the toning....one song we held a squat for the WHOLE STINKIN' SONG! while we worked out our arms, which incidentally felt like they were going to drop from my body like a lead weight....I wasn't sure what hurt worse..the legs or the arms, it went back and forth...pure torture.   I'm surprised I'm able to type this morning, because I was sure that my arms dropped off my body and fell to the ground and twitched for a while after we were done.  Seriously.    Ok, I loved it....what helps me make it through?   Mental talk.

When I'm in the middle of a particularly rough workout I have one sentence that goes through my head. And that sentence,  ~~drum roll please~~   Nothing hurts worse than fat feels.   Ohh I sometimes change it a bit to be a bit more personalized to the moment..but the same concept.  Fat hurts sooo much.  Fat physically hurts, it make my knees ache, it causes me to have stomach problems it makes me sluggish and just miserable.  But fat also hurts emotionally.  I lack self confidence....I realized this on Sunday (more on that in the next paragraph).   That hurts.   The pain of a workout is TEMPORARY.  ohhh after the squat song was done and my body had a few minutes rest, I was fine.  After I picked up my arms off the floor and reattached them, I was peachy fine.  I knew I would be....so I kept saying "NOTHING HURTS WORSE THAN FAT FEELS.....this is only temporary, fat is forever"  I pushed through it.

Sunday I figured out I really lack self confidence because of my weight.  I had my camera at a concert.  I actually DID get some really awesome pictures (zoom lens is an awesome thing). But there were a few people that were up and moving around and taking pictures from all over the theater. (unobtrusively..but I noticed because...well....because I like photography).  I knew that I could have gotten my arse out of the seat and moved forward to take a pic or two.  But I didn't...and looking closely at my motivation, or lack there of I realize that it was because I feel fat and I feel like everyone is going to look at me and say "what's that fat chick up there doing".   I let my weight dictate something that I dearly love to do.  No more!

Fat feels horrible.

Fat is hurting me.  

Fat is no longer welcome here.

Fat, your days on my body are numbered, so live it up now......you WILL be gone.

Week 2

Bobbled a little bit over the weekend with my eating.  Not too horribly bad.  But a little bobble.  (we were in Lancaster County PA for a concert and a visit with friends).  It's all good.    On Sunday morning I was showing a loss of 1.2 for last week!  WOO HOO.  (this morning I weighed myself after I had breakfast and I was down another 4/10ths of a pound so I'm happy!)

Planning really is the key to my success though.  Yesterday I had my day planned out.  I was HUNGRY when I was heading home after zumba...but I was still on plan.  I got home and went to fix dinner.  My husband was like "lets eat on our own tonight, I've got leftovers and all sorts of stuff to eat that's gonna go bad if I dont' eat it"  That's ok, responsible even.  BUT, that left me planless.  While we talked I had some special K chips (they are actually pretty good).  THEN I had a grilled cheese, some sweet pickles, potato salad, tortilla chips with salsa.  And if that wasn't enough, I had a piece of Cheesecake (it was made with low fat/fat free cheeses and creams, does that count for anything) with some of my home canned raspberry syrup over it.   Yeah, can we say 'fall off plan"   My only consolation...I had eaten soooooo lightly the rest of the day that I somehow managed to not go over my points....yeah, I had eaten mostly fruits and veggies earlier in the day so I was actually ok. 

So I'm all planned out for tonight.  :-)   Another really light day of eating (the fridge is FULL of fresh fruits and veggies....so I'm eating them all up)...and dinner is planned out.  :-)

Makes me want to ponder what other areas I could 'PLAN" and then succeed at!!!

Faith and belief

FRIDAY!  WOOO HOOO

Faith and belief.  No, this is not a religious post.  But faith is HUGE HUGE HUGE in this weight loss journey.  We have to BELIEVE and have FAITH that we can and WILL do this. If our minds do not believe, if our expectations are so low that it's not a big thing TO fail.

A few years ago a school did an experiment. This is when the schools were still categorizing kids by their ability.  One teacher had the low kids and one teacher had the high level kids.  Predictably the high level kids scored so much better on the tests.  The low kids struggled.  So they did an experiment.  One year they told the teacher of the higher level kids that this year she was going to be teaching the lower level and vice versus for the other teacher.  In reality though the the 'low level' class was the brightest and smartest children.  The teacher that thought she was teaching the brightest students was in fact teaching the lowest level.    The test results at the end of the year surprised EVERYONE.

The teacher that was teaching the lowest level of students but THOUGHT she was teaching the smart kids had a class that outperformed the other class  . 

So what do you get out of this story.  The teachers TAUGHT to their beliefs.  The one teacher thought that she had the 'dumb' kids so she didn't put her all into it because her expectations and and beliefs and faith in the students abilities were either so low or non existent that she felt it was not worth the effort...I mean, why bother, it's a lost cause..  The teacher that thought she had the brilliant kids her faith and belief in their ability was so high that she threw herself into her teaching, knowing that she couldn't fail.

Isn't weight loss like that?  If we expect to fail are we really going to throw our all into it?  Are we really going to TRY?   However if we have faith in ourselves, if we  dare to believe.......well then the sky is the limit for our success!

***************
Day 4 passed by with great success!  :-) I didn't exercise yesterday....but I DID eat right. :-)


On to day 5!   Started out rather odd...I forgot half the ingredients in my smoothie (agave nectar is really important  LOL)  It doesn't taste good and yummy...so I'm not eating it.  Why eat something that doesn't taste good.  I will eat my lunch earlier because of that...but that's not a problem. :-)   And YES, I packed my lunch, even though my co-workers will be ordering lunch in!   I'm holding strong!

On success building upon another

Isn't it crazy how it works.  Starting something is sometimes the hardest part.  (or restarting after a failed attempt...or after a slight speed bump).  However each progressive SUCCESSFUL day after that start day really does get easier?  Why is that?  Because success builds upon itself. 

The first step to having this success build upon itself is to be totally committed to restarting.  Have a plan...and I'm a firm believer in having a DIFFERENT plan in place than the old standby that has failed you time and time again.  (the difference for me this time is planning my food the day before I eat it...print it out and stick with it).   From there just START.   But each day that is successful makes me stronger.  It makes me feel like, "I CAN do this!"

I was talking to a friend at zumba last night.  I had actually met her at a weight watcher meeting.  She also quit about the same time I stopped going to meetings and has subsequentially gained.  She just started this past week. She talked about swallowing her pride and going back.  Yes, that is it.  But I encouraged her to look FORWARD.  Don't focus on the fact that she is relosing.  She is LOSING weight.  The other thing we talked about was the I CAN attitude.  No questions about it.  We CAN lose the weight.  WE CAN conquer this.  It will be a life long journey but we CAN do it.  It's a mental place we have to be in.  It's the I CAN mental place!.    I know that I may never have a flat stomach.....I may always have saggy skin.  I may always have a little 'jelly roll' around my waist.  But you know what?   I'd rather have one little itty bitty jelly roll than a whole dozen of big fat jelly rolls!  

Yes, day three was a success.  2 hours of exercise...eating right on target!  All was good!  Day 4 starting out ok.  My food is planned and I should be ok!  :-)   No exercise today but that's ok!  I've already exercised 4 hours since Monday!  :-)

day three

Day one and two are in the books.  Day three is crusing along quite nicely.  I was a little worried when a co-worker brought cupcakes in...but I looked at my points (and what I had left for the day) and I pondered...and i had a small cupcake.  I actually did HAVE the points/food allowance in my food budge.  I am still actually under budget!  WOO HOO.   So I had a little cupcake and I'm done.   Today really is crusing along.  I made it to the gym this morning before work.   20 minutes on the eliptical.  40 minutes on the exercise bike (very important).  I will be attending zumba after work.  So 120 minutes of exercise today....and keeping my eating under control...that's a fabulous day.

How am I managing my food?   I am sitting at work and planning out my eating for the NEXT day.  I print up the page with my eating plan and I post it on the fridge door.  So this morning when I woke up to make breakfast I was able to look at the paper and know exactly what to make.  Exactly what I could eat....everything.  I also already knew exactly what to put into my lunchbox for my work lunch.  It's all there.  If it's on the page, I eat....if it's not...I don't!    So tomorrow is already planned and printed!   Will things change and skew my pages.  Yes, absolutely.  I fully expect that to happen.  But I can go with the flow....work it in.  Manage!  :-)

I'm trying to get back into riding shape.  After much careful consideration Todd and I registered for Pedal to Preserve.  We have 3 weeks. We haven't been on our bikes much....time, todd's oral surgery, my cold....etc etc etc has kept us away.  We are not even sure that this ride will happen for us...we'll see.

Restart

How many restarts can a person have before it's too many?   I sometimes sit here and wonder how many freakin' times I'm going to have to say "back on track", "restarted", "a new day".  I've said it over and over these last few years.  And over and over I fail.  Over and over I start again.  Over and over I write about it. 

So my answer to my question?  There is never too many times to restart!  Keep doing it until it happens. 

Yes, I restarted on Monday.  I kept my eating wtihin my weight watchers food budget.  (Ok, I went a few points over yesterday...but we do have weekly points...AND activity points).  Today I've got my day planned and I should be peachy ok.  Yesterday I did zumba for an hour...and planning another hour of it tonight.   So I'm working it.  1 successful day down.  A second successful day is in the works.  Two days doesn't win the war....but two days is a start.  And i know that each day I'll be stronger in my position.  Stronger as I make the healthy choices.  Stronger as  I make the positive exercise choices.  Stronger all together. 

I've been able to hold msyelf steady with my eating this week.  I'm not seeing any mad results on the scales. In fact the scales haven't budged since I guess Saturday or Sunday. But you know what. I've been active.  (very active....gardening galore and zumba!) and I've not binged on the unhealthy foods.  So I consider that a success...even if the scales are not being friendly at this time! 

Yes, I've spent a lot of time gardening.  I sometimes giggle.  Our garden has more square feet than our house!  haa haa haa.  We have a HUGE garden.  (my strawberry beds have over 100 plants...and we are seriously contemplating clearing the land and doubling that....I eat a LOT of strawberries....I LOVE strawberries!)   So you can see we plant a LOT of what we plant.  Let me rephrase that.  The foods that we eat a LOT of...we plant a LOT.  Green beans anyone?   I'll be canning bushels upon bushels of green beans.  I eat them almost every day.  :-)   Peas?   Well, we eat a lot of peas too.  Tomatoes...well you need a lot of those because I make my own tomato sauce...not to mention canned tomatoes for things like chili and such.  And yes, i try to preserve enough so that we don't have to buy these staples from the store.  Home preserved foods are SOOO much tastier.  Soooo yes, our garden is a big deal!  over the weekend I spent probably more than 15 hours out there with the tiller, the shovel, a rake, packets of seeds, flats of plants, compost, water hose and a big jug of water.  :-) (the water jug was for me!)   Love to see the garden take shape.  :-)    

But do you know what I'm just ACHING to eat.  What the focus of my taste buds have?   Zucchini!  I want some breaded and baked zucchini .  I can taste it!  I can smell it.  I'm just DYING for it!  Yes, I could probably go out and buy a zucchini at the store.  But woudl it be the same thing?  Would it taste the same? 

Probably not!  Plus, in a few months I'll be begging someone to take some zucchini off my hands (what possessed me to plant 12 zucchini plants I don't know......haa haa haa.  I do make my sweet pickle relish from zucchini, and I do zucchini bread and butter pickles which I think taste the same if not better than the ones I make with cucumbers....we will eat zucchini with every meal..HOPEFULLY!)

Grow zucchini grow!!!

Last weeks rough start

Well, as aforementioned, last week started out BADLY.  Donuts, pizza and ice cream...Oh my!    But somehow, someway, I pulled it out of the fire.  I showed a 1.5 pound loss for this week.  Go figure.  

I'm gearing back up to add the exercise back in.  Zumba restarts tonight.  And I just spent the weekend working outside...HARD manual labor. (i'm so stinkin' sore today).

AND i'm working the eating. I'm not slipping.  I packed a salad for lunch...and fruit.  :-)  I'm on track and I'm going to STAY THAT WAY!!!!

where did my self control go

This week has been horrible.  I have had grand plans everyday to be totally perfect with my eating.  But then something happens and it all goes to pot.  I guess my first problem is expecting and planning for perfection.  Life is NOT perfect.  Life this week came in the guise of donuts being brought to us by customers...not once...but TWICE.   Yeah, I indulged.  Life this week came in the guise of a mandatory training after work in which they provided us with pizza and cookies and only provided regular soda and nothing diet.  Yeah, I indulged. Life this week came with evenings at home alone where I just ate without conscience thought.    Life this week came with every morning my husband asking for breakfast foods such as pancakes, waffles, two breakfasts out.  I had grand plans but I just failed.  Life. 

So life today is starting out differently.  I woke up and was so tempted to not pack my lunch and join my co-workers on our weekly Friday order out food for lunch fun.  I didn't though. I packed my lunch.  A nice healthy lunch of summer salad  and fruit.    I got to the parking lot and was sitting waiting for my co-worker to come inside.  I was playing around on my cell phone and talking to a friend (also a customer where I work) and she heard taht I was woring early and she offered to go pick up donuts for us.  Ohhh I was so tempted. I could taste the warm (yeah, they would still be warm most likely) glaze on my tongue.  But I gathered my self control and regretfully declined the offer.  Yay me.

May begins and it's gonna be a strong one

What takes forever to get off comes back with a vengeance very quickly!   Yes, all the work that I did the first three weeks of April were undone the last week of April.  I'm disgusted with myself.  But lesson learned.  OK, I'm a slow learner so maybe not.  But I'm determined to hit May hard...the WHOLE month!   Working it for 3/4 of the month is not enough.  AT ALL.  

I can come up with the excuses.....Todd's surgery and his recovery (lots of ice cream consumed...and of course I'm a social eater)  But no excuses.....it was me.  I'm totally the one that is responsible for this state of affairs.  No ifs ands or buts...it's all me.

Yes, I have to accept responsibility.  Until I accept responsibility for my actions, there is no way that I can move forward.  I don't have to be HAPPY with my actions and the consequences...but I accept them.

So moving forward what is the plan?   Healthy eating, healthy eating, healthy eating.  Ohhh and tracking every bite.  I didn't start out as 'grandly' as I wanted to this morning.  Todd and I hit up the Waffle House...uhhh that's a lot of points for an egg sandwich and hash browns.   And while I may be a few points over today because of that...I'm doing my best to minimize the damage (lots of fruits and veggies for lunch and dinner...luckily I made my summer salad last night so I've got a nice healthy option).  If the weather holds maybe a quick run  OK jog/walk combo!   If not, I'm not going to stress it because I'm gearing up.

Ohhh and biggest of all?   May will be a month where I don't fall flat on my face for a week!

Thoughts on exercise

Ok, the scales were NOT kind to me this morning.  I only hope that it's water retention (yeah, without going into it....very possible that it could be some water retention....blech blech blech....time will tell).  I want to scream...but I'm not going to.  I'm going to focus this weekend on getting back into a workout routine.  I haven't worked out in almost 2 weeks. Yeah......really! 

I have this weird phenominan that when I'm working out I eat better.  Does this happen to anyone else?  I think it's because when I'm working out I start to think about what Im eating more. I tend to believe it's because I dread the exercise so I don't want to 'undo' my good work.  haa haa haa.  Isn't that lame?

As for dreading exercise. I HATE and dread the buildup to exercising.  But I'll admit that once I start it's usually not that bad....but the after feel is wonderful. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the feeling that courses through my body after exercise. SO one one think that I would be gung ho to go out and exercise.  But each and every time I go to exercise I somewhat dread it.  Go figure.  You'd think I would figure this out and actually start to look forward to the exercise...but no...apparently I'm not that smart!

Wanna know what really blows????

Do you ever just have a day where you are devoid of all words?  Lacking anything to say? I'm having one of those.  I just sat here with my head flopped forward, my forehead pressed against my hands (holding my head up) and literally nothing came to mind.  I have nothing to say about weight loss.  Well, I do have SOMETHING to say about weight loss........ IT SUCKS.  It sucks to have to think about food all the time. It sucks to have a piece of brownie (yes, I only had one piece last night) for a treat at night and then worry about the affects that it will have.  To feel guilty for one brownie. (ohhhh it was a good one though.....gooey and chocolaty!).  It really blows to have to think about my food choices constantly.  To gather up my will power (or try to) with every bite I eat.  Honestly, it just sucks!  Everything about it sucks sucks sucks.

You know what sucks worse though?????   Being fat.  So as much as it sucks to fight and battle to lose weight....I will because fat is worse.

************

Random thoughts for the day that were floating through my mind during my head in hands no thoughts time earlier.....

*there is a weird odor in my house...not sure what it is.....I've looked and can't find anything....how do you trace a weird odor. It's not a foul odor...it's just weird. 

*bad storm last night....I've heard predictions that this year will be a bad year for storms

*I'm starting to look at some ideas and opportunities to make money...even if it's only a few bucks here and there......crafts, piano lessons (practicing to get myself up to snuff with my playing), possibly another idea that I'm not up for sharing quite yet.

*I've been focusing on a new venture with Echoes...researching and such ....that Todd and I are expanding into with the business.  Echotone Records.  A new record label.   OUR record label.  We have a possibility for a GREAT band to sign with us....and this band was actually number one on their charts last year.....so with them in negotiations with us to get signed with us...we are kicking into overdrive to get our record label up and running.

*Trying to fight the dull drums that threaten me.  I still really  miss Chris.....I can't believe it's been a month (actually a month and a week) since he passed away.   My problems still seem insurmountable and I sometimes wonder why I should even try.   I'm still really worried about a lot of things....and it threatens me daily...but I"m trying ...I'll keep fighting.

highs and lows

This journey has been one of incredible highs but some pretty low lows.  I've felt totally on top of the word. On top of life  In control and just good.  But then when things go downhill, it goes LOW.    The problem is...when the lows come it is so easy to feel defeated by everything.  It's so easy to let the lows influence how we feel and how we act and sadly enough that perpetuates itself into a vicious cycle of negative outcomes. 

It's a sheer act of willpower to break that cycle once it starts.  It's difficult because I want to sit there and scream my fury over having regained the weight (thank heavens not all of it...not even half of it).  I did it to myself, I know that, but it drives  me to a low.  And in that low I want to self medicate with food.  I want to throw my hands up in the air and say "I don't give a flying fig about this....I just want to live my life without having to consciously think about food."   But I know that doing that will only increase the low.  I HAVE to care...because caring brings about the highs that I so crave.

stranglehold, dread and other non-connected thoughts

Why does food have such a hold on me?   I start thinking about the next meal mere seconds after the latest meal is finished.  It's nuts.  I have off tomorrow afternoon and I've already talked to Todd about what/it/where/when we will go out to eat for lunch or dinner.  That's just sad.  Why does it have such a hold on me.  Food has a stranglehold on me.  It controls everything I do. I need to break that stranglehold.  How do break that hold is the question.  How do you break the patterns and thoughts that have defined who you are for so many years?   we live in a society that actually encourages that thought.  We are rewarded with food.  We are thanked with food.  We are consoled with food.  It's the way our society is.  So how can one break from this stranglehold????

I woke up with an incredible sense of dread this morning.  I have no clue what I'm expecting to happen or what is up.  Some people said "you are probably just dreading going to work because yesterday was so slow and boring"  but it's not that kinda dread.  That kinda dread is a annoying nuisance.  This is just all consuming ready to cry and waiting for the shoe to drop dread.  Not cool.   I'm just sufficiently worried because of this weird feeling.

Food yesterday.....OVER by about 8 points. It was the banana split flurry (blizzard...but not at dairy queen) that did it. I thought last week was bad because I was just kinda snacking all week.....this week may be worse because Todd is able to eat and WANTS to eat....and heck, I'm a social eater! I have my food entered into e-tools for today though. It's a bit high on carbs...but I'm within my points. (Todd wanted waffles for breakfast so I made homemade waffles....I am having a salad for lunch with grilled chicken on it....and dinner is spaghetti) notice the theme of foods for Todd has to be softer...nothing that is crunchy or has to be chewed a lot. LOL

Fear

I managed to make it through this last week with a 1.2 pounds gone.   It was rough.  I tend to graze constantly and just eat eat eat when I'm not on a routine.  So I was OK with the 1.2 pounds. 

"You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith"   -Mary Manin Morrissey
                     and
"He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life" -Ralph Waldo Emerson

How utterly true are both of those quotes!  Something happened in the last 5-10 years and I stopped being the confident woman that everyone always knew.  I started to allow fear to reign supreme in my life.  I have been afraid to try new things.  To do new things.  To BE.    It starts out slow.  Just a tentativeness about anything outside of your comfort zone but then it grows to a paralyzing fear.   Soon it encompasses your life and yes, it does start to block your dreams, your hopes and your ideas.

I allowed fear of the unknown to hinder my weight loss efforts.  I have allowed fear or failing keep me from REALLY trying.   But you know what...the fears that kept me grounded have actually CAUSED me to fail...because by not doing, I failed anyway.

Running  a 5k is a big one.  I'm not honestly sure that my knees and feet will hold out.  I'm hoping that they will.  But I'm going to admit right here and now that the idea of going ....registering......waiting in line and figuring out what I need to do by myself....and running the stupid thing by myself.  FREAKS ME OUT.  SCARES THE LIVING DOO DOO out of me!  (Yes, I've allowed my fears to turn me into a snivelling cowering person!)  I've mentioned this goal and plan to some other people and they seem to have jumped on board.....some more than others.   And that is comforting that I may not be alone while I do this.  But you know what?  If my knees and feet hold out....this is something that I have to do ....I have to face my fear.  I have to do it!  I was scared about my first bike ride two years ago and it turned into a WONDERFUL experience!

What other fears should I smash?    What other fears need to be annihilated in our lives!

Anchors

Weight loss and maintenance is NOT something that is completed and never thought about again.  I am a food addict.  For that reason I know that I will struggle with maintaining for the  rest of my life.  Will it be easy?  Hopefully I  can change my habits and routine enough that my lifestyle fosters a good healthy weight.  Do I want to have to track my food for the rest of my life?  No....but will I have to?   Honestly, I may have to....at least 75% of the time....or even 50% of the time.  I don't know.

What I DO know is that tracking my food.  Keeping a food journal of my 'good eats' is tantamount to my success.  There are so many reasons for me.
     *it keeps me honest.  We all know that if I don't have to write it then it doesn't really count...right???
     *it is a good check to let me know what I'm eating that is good and what is bad
     *It keeps me in line
     *it is my anchor.  I put my food in and it anchors me to this process

Yes, it is my weight loss anchor.  Kinda crazy, but It steadies me.  It keeps me grounded and focused on what I need to be doing.  Without that anchor I tend to drift away.   I may still try to drift (those days when my weight watchers point expenditure is way way way over budget)....but the process of accountability to my food journal anchors me and doesn't let me drift far.

So what other anchors do I have?

For me, it's a mental thing.  I have visions of myself back at my goal weight.  I have visions of myself that happy confident person.  That anchors me to this process.  Because I know that what I'm doing right now to lose the weight, will help bring that person back.  And yes, that person is lost.  Will the weight loss solve all of my woes?   Absolutely not.  I dont' expect the weight loss to do that.....this time.   When I originally lost the weight, I expected life to be peachy, rosy and just grand.  After all, it was my weight that was holding me back in EVERYTHING.  And yes, my weight was holding me back a lot.....but there were bigger issues that I have had to face.  I'm facing them.  I don't know how they will be resolved...but I'm trying to face them because I know that once again being thin will NOT take them away.  Lesson learned.

Sick and Tired

Today marks the 1 month anniversary of Chris' death.  I miss my friend....I still find myself wanting to text him or hang out with him.  But I'm moving on...accepting life as it is, which is what he would have wanted everyone that knew him to do.   Wait, not only accepting life...but embracing life.  Embracing what life throws at me.    It's difficult becuase I dont' want to embrace the crappiness that seems to have been hurled my way recently.  But I'm trying.

I've been fighting off a sinus issue/cold since Friday.  I decided to push myself last night and I went to zumba.  It was incredibly difficult to make it through the hour...but I pushed through and did it.  I'm not sure I can make it tonight.  The cold has taken a turn for the worse and I just feel 100% run down.  The dry hacking cough is there, chest tightness, sore throat....just generally icky.

As much as I want to go, I have to tell myself that I am trying to lose weight and exercise in order for me to be healthier.  Pushing myself when i'm not well is not a healthy maneuver.