truckin' on

Took a sneak peak at the scales this morning.  Down a pound.  So i'm happy.   Slowly but surely I'm gonna get there.

I'm very proud of myself for really sticking to a proper eating plan.  I have splurged and had a handful of chocolate chips the last two nights.  But you know what?  I've had the points for them...so I feel absolutely no guilt.  I've also been doing really good with ignoring the diet soda in the evening.  I have been drinking a glass of Crystal Light Pink lemonade in the evenings...and that satisfies the sweet tooth/sweet drink craving.

I'm gonna do this.

Meanwhile, on top of the broken car window (husbands weedwacking produced more than chopped weeds) and the tire issue after I was run off the road by the redneck in the SUV....my shoulder muscle seems to be seizing up again (joy joy).   I have a wart that we 'froze' off yesterday here at work (yeah, I have a crazy job....) and my finger is not feeling to great.  haa haa haa.  And my eye is all swollen and hurts (bad enough that I don't have my contacts in today)  I'm just falling apart!    Don't we shoot animals that are in misery?   haa haa haa

Little nervous about the weekend.  Eating wise...we'll be going to Lancaster County with mom and dad (dad's preaching up there this weekend).....good food.  Eii yiii yiii

Ironic

Ironically enough, usually when I don't blog it means that I've not been on track.  This is not the case. Last week i was dead on...and lost 3.5 pounds.  This week I'm holding steady. I did go over my points one day, but I think I should still be ok.  :-)  We'll see.  :-)    Todd and I have gotten out for some walks and I did zumba last night and plan to again tonight.  So I'm workin' it.

Why haven't I been on........I feel like my life is crashing down around me.  Last friday I had a slight accident (ran off the road), yesterday Todd was weedwacking and a stone flew up and broke a back side window in his car....and on and on.  Life is just crashing around me.  These things just exacerbate the other daily struggles that I've been facing.

Last night I literally just wanted to sit and cry.  I soooooo thought about skipping zumba, but I went, held back my tears and exercised. I went home.  I still felt like crying.  I put together a breakfast casserold for today and ate my dinner.  I wanted to just shovel food into my mouth with no thought.  Food is my friend and I really needed a friend.  But I also realized that it would make me feel good for exactly 2 minutes (or however long it took me to eat it) but then life would come again, crashing around me.  I realized that not only would the same problems still be there...but I'd also have the self chastisment from binging on food I DIDN"T need.  So I stayed with my meal plan and because I did actually have the points, I splurged on a handful of chocolate chips.  Boy did I want more...but I didn't eat anything. I parked my butt on the couch and didn't budge!

This Girl and that girl

This girl feels horrible in her body.  Many times she doesn't do what she wants to do becuase she's afraid that people will laugh at the fat girl. 

That girl has a confidence that is evident

in the way that she walks, and stands and holds her head

This girl doesn't want to be in front of a camera.  The excess pounds squeeeze the happiness and joy from her life.  Everything seems a chore and she's always tired and halfway ill.

That girl poses for the camera.  She has no problem letting the world see the happiness and joy oozing from her pores. 

So what is the difference?  The pictures are all of the same person.  We could say time..."This" girl was younger and hadn't realized the important thigns in life and that "THAT" girl had?  But there is one thing that blows that theory out of the water....and that is the NOW girl. 

I'd like you to meet 'NOW' girl. 

I changed myself from "this girl"  and turned into the "That girl".  I was like a butterfly coming out of it's cacoon.  I felt wonderful.  I felt beautiful.  I felt ALIVE for the first time in years.   I swore that I would NEVER return to "THIS girl" , the overweight sad girl.  NEVER would it happen.  But I lost control.  I've regained (thank heavens not everything) but I have watched the life drain from me.  I'm once again ashamed.  I'm once again not holding my head high.  I'm once again not the happy bubbly confident person,....that person that I KNOW is still lurking inside me.   

I want "THAT" girl back. 

All was not lost

Thought I screwed up last night.  REALLY thought I screwed up.  I ate breakfast at home (waffles) so I used a fair amount of points.  I knew what was being served for dinner so I planned my lunch accordingly.  Which means I had lots of free points fruits and veggies.  However, I was trying something new in my lunch and i hated it...so I threw it away.  So that left me with JUST fruits and veggies.  No problem...all is good. I was actually satisfied after I ate.  The problem came when I was halfway through Zumba....my stomach started to complain.  I was hungry!  I made it through zumba and went home.  While dinner was being finished up, I had a string cheese and one slice of bread with a light skein of butter on it....THEN I ate dinner.  And about an hour after dinner i was still hungry so I had some baked chips.   ~~~~Slaps forehead!~~~~  So i was disappointed with my day. 

BUT this morning I went online to face the music and put in my 'additional' food and of course to take out my uneaten food from lunch (the stuff that went into the garbage).  I refused to look at my totals until it was all entered.   LOW AND BEHOLD...I WAS STILL UNDER BUDGET!  Yes, that deserved caps! 

Fast forward to today.  I packed food in my lunchbox that I KNOW that I'll like.  Because my breakfast today was a bit high.  So by the time breakfast, lunch and snacks are eaten....and I get home from Zumba, I will have only 9 points for dinner.  Not a problem, we have a delicious watermelon in the fridge...and the grapes are pretty darn tasty too.  And peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are my go-to dinner when I'm home alone (which I will be) so I'll be within budget...AS LONG AS I AM NOT SO HUNGRY THAT I JUST GOBBLE FOOD LIKE A STARVING PIG!

Didn't weigh myself today (I try not to weigh after my late night dinners) ...but yesterday morning I was showing down on the scales...so I was pretty happy.  I'm gonna do this!!!  No ifs ands or buts!

As I try this month on my own. todd and I worked up a 'plan' a little motivator.  Basically at the end of the month (we started yesterday...so july 19) we will weigh ourselves and we will be rewarded monitarily for each pound we lose.  (this is a big deal to us because we have 'stipends' ...like an allowance, that we each get weekly that we use for our own personal fun stuff...so extra money is good).  BUT the competition comes into play.  The person that loses the biggest percentage gets double the money.   So we are playing this one.......so encouraging...but also competative.  We'll see how it goes.  :-)

I know that before I ate breakfast I sat down and entered my food into the tracker for today to make sure that i wasn't going over.  :-)   So food tracked for today (breakfast, lunch AND dinner) and I plan on going to zumba tonight.  My legs are a bit sore (3 hours of weeding...so squating....yikes) but I'm going to go tonight!

This is the first monday I'm not exhausted.  However, I can't get too excited....I slept for over 11 hours straight last night. 

Friday Findings

My weight dropped a bit thus far this week. Not much...but some.  I'll take it.  :-)

Why am I finding it harder this time around?   I ask myself that all the time.  I want it just as bad.  Actually probably worse this time.  Why worse?   The same original reasons are there.....BUT now I also remember how GOOD it feels.  And I'm constantly reminded about how awful fat feels!  So one woudl think that the motivation would be so much higher.  But I guess not.

This morning I Stood in my closet grabbing my clothes for the day and I looked at the bins sitting stacked neatly in the corner.  One was see through and I could see about 30 sweaters.....sweaters that I can't fit into. (I had a lot of clothes given to me....clothes that fit me way back when I considered myself successful).  And I got excited thinking about wearing them again.  I have a FULL wardrobe of clothes to wear when I lose the weight.  I'm set.  I just need to get back there!

My silence can only mean one thing.   I haven't really been on track.  The good news?  I haven't really been OFF track.I just have been steady.  I can say that I'm maintaining within 2 pounds for the last month.  The problem?   I'm maintaining this higher weight...weight that i desperately want to lose!  

I have still been attending Zumba religiously.  So I'm getting some exercise. 

The problem?  My knees are KILLING me....the arthritis is in full swing.  I'm tired and exhausted ALL the time.  I wake up and feel exhausted.  (yeah, I actually fell out of bed today because my mind was not working well...and I miscalculated reaching for the cat)   I'm HOPING that it's a combination of making less than healthy choices in my food choices AND the excess weight I'm carrying.  I sure hope so!

So I was thinking about rejoining Weight Watchers.  The program DOES work.  I lost quite a bit of weight through meetings and through the accountability.  BUT, I'm a backsliddin' lifetimer...which means that I have to pay again.  Money is tight right now.  I'm actually doing the program on my own. (I've figured out...I think...enough of the new system that they are doing via the etools...which I actually still pay for).  And I'm goign to keep at it...SOLID.....on my own.  BUT if I don't have any success by mid july...then by August I will rejoin weight watchers MEETINGS.    Hopefully the thought of spending that extra money will keep me on the straight and narrow!