Thoughts on exercise

Ok, the scales were NOT kind to me this morning.  I only hope that it's water retention (yeah, without going into it....very possible that it could be some water retention....blech blech blech....time will tell).  I want to scream...but I'm not going to.  I'm going to focus this weekend on getting back into a workout routine.  I haven't worked out in almost 2 weeks. Yeah......really! 

I have this weird phenominan that when I'm working out I eat better.  Does this happen to anyone else?  I think it's because when I'm working out I start to think about what Im eating more. I tend to believe it's because I dread the exercise so I don't want to 'undo' my good work.  haa haa haa.  Isn't that lame?

As for dreading exercise. I HATE and dread the buildup to exercising.  But I'll admit that once I start it's usually not that bad....but the after feel is wonderful. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the feeling that courses through my body after exercise. SO one one think that I would be gung ho to go out and exercise.  But each and every time I go to exercise I somewhat dread it.  Go figure.  You'd think I would figure this out and actually start to look forward to the exercise...but no...apparently I'm not that smart!

Wanna know what really blows????

Do you ever just have a day where you are devoid of all words?  Lacking anything to say? I'm having one of those.  I just sat here with my head flopped forward, my forehead pressed against my hands (holding my head up) and literally nothing came to mind.  I have nothing to say about weight loss.  Well, I do have SOMETHING to say about weight loss........ IT SUCKS.  It sucks to have to think about food all the time. It sucks to have a piece of brownie (yes, I only had one piece last night) for a treat at night and then worry about the affects that it will have.  To feel guilty for one brownie. (ohhhh it was a good one though.....gooey and chocolaty!).  It really blows to have to think about my food choices constantly.  To gather up my will power (or try to) with every bite I eat.  Honestly, it just sucks!  Everything about it sucks sucks sucks.

You know what sucks worse though?????   Being fat.  So as much as it sucks to fight and battle to lose weight....I will because fat is worse.

************

Random thoughts for the day that were floating through my mind during my head in hands no thoughts time earlier.....

*there is a weird odor in my house...not sure what it is.....I've looked and can't find anything....how do you trace a weird odor. It's not a foul odor...it's just weird. 

*bad storm last night....I've heard predictions that this year will be a bad year for storms

*I'm starting to look at some ideas and opportunities to make money...even if it's only a few bucks here and there......crafts, piano lessons (practicing to get myself up to snuff with my playing), possibly another idea that I'm not up for sharing quite yet.

*I've been focusing on a new venture with Echoes...researching and such ....that Todd and I are expanding into with the business.  Echotone Records.  A new record label.   OUR record label.  We have a possibility for a GREAT band to sign with us....and this band was actually number one on their charts last year.....so with them in negotiations with us to get signed with us...we are kicking into overdrive to get our record label up and running.

*Trying to fight the dull drums that threaten me.  I still really  miss Chris.....I can't believe it's been a month (actually a month and a week) since he passed away.   My problems still seem insurmountable and I sometimes wonder why I should even try.   I'm still really worried about a lot of things....and it threatens me daily...but I"m trying ...I'll keep fighting.

highs and lows

This journey has been one of incredible highs but some pretty low lows.  I've felt totally on top of the word. On top of life  In control and just good.  But then when things go downhill, it goes LOW.    The problem is...when the lows come it is so easy to feel defeated by everything.  It's so easy to let the lows influence how we feel and how we act and sadly enough that perpetuates itself into a vicious cycle of negative outcomes. 

It's a sheer act of willpower to break that cycle once it starts.  It's difficult because I want to sit there and scream my fury over having regained the weight (thank heavens not all of it...not even half of it).  I did it to myself, I know that, but it drives  me to a low.  And in that low I want to self medicate with food.  I want to throw my hands up in the air and say "I don't give a flying fig about this....I just want to live my life without having to consciously think about food."   But I know that doing that will only increase the low.  I HAVE to care...because caring brings about the highs that I so crave.

stranglehold, dread and other non-connected thoughts

Why does food have such a hold on me?   I start thinking about the next meal mere seconds after the latest meal is finished.  It's nuts.  I have off tomorrow afternoon and I've already talked to Todd about what/it/where/when we will go out to eat for lunch or dinner.  That's just sad.  Why does it have such a hold on me.  Food has a stranglehold on me.  It controls everything I do. I need to break that stranglehold.  How do break that hold is the question.  How do you break the patterns and thoughts that have defined who you are for so many years?   we live in a society that actually encourages that thought.  We are rewarded with food.  We are thanked with food.  We are consoled with food.  It's the way our society is.  So how can one break from this stranglehold????

I woke up with an incredible sense of dread this morning.  I have no clue what I'm expecting to happen or what is up.  Some people said "you are probably just dreading going to work because yesterday was so slow and boring"  but it's not that kinda dread.  That kinda dread is a annoying nuisance.  This is just all consuming ready to cry and waiting for the shoe to drop dread.  Not cool.   I'm just sufficiently worried because of this weird feeling.

Food yesterday.....OVER by about 8 points. It was the banana split flurry (blizzard...but not at dairy queen) that did it. I thought last week was bad because I was just kinda snacking all week.....this week may be worse because Todd is able to eat and WANTS to eat....and heck, I'm a social eater! I have my food entered into e-tools for today though. It's a bit high on carbs...but I'm within my points. (Todd wanted waffles for breakfast so I made homemade waffles....I am having a salad for lunch with grilled chicken on it....and dinner is spaghetti) notice the theme of foods for Todd has to be softer...nothing that is crunchy or has to be chewed a lot. LOL

Fear

I managed to make it through this last week with a 1.2 pounds gone.   It was rough.  I tend to graze constantly and just eat eat eat when I'm not on a routine.  So I was OK with the 1.2 pounds. 

"You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith"   -Mary Manin Morrissey
                     and
"He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life" -Ralph Waldo Emerson

How utterly true are both of those quotes!  Something happened in the last 5-10 years and I stopped being the confident woman that everyone always knew.  I started to allow fear to reign supreme in my life.  I have been afraid to try new things.  To do new things.  To BE.    It starts out slow.  Just a tentativeness about anything outside of your comfort zone but then it grows to a paralyzing fear.   Soon it encompasses your life and yes, it does start to block your dreams, your hopes and your ideas.

I allowed fear of the unknown to hinder my weight loss efforts.  I have allowed fear or failing keep me from REALLY trying.   But you know what...the fears that kept me grounded have actually CAUSED me to fail...because by not doing, I failed anyway.

Running  a 5k is a big one.  I'm not honestly sure that my knees and feet will hold out.  I'm hoping that they will.  But I'm going to admit right here and now that the idea of going ....registering......waiting in line and figuring out what I need to do by myself....and running the stupid thing by myself.  FREAKS ME OUT.  SCARES THE LIVING DOO DOO out of me!  (Yes, I've allowed my fears to turn me into a snivelling cowering person!)  I've mentioned this goal and plan to some other people and they seem to have jumped on board.....some more than others.   And that is comforting that I may not be alone while I do this.  But you know what?  If my knees and feet hold out....this is something that I have to do ....I have to face my fear.  I have to do it!  I was scared about my first bike ride two years ago and it turned into a WONDERFUL experience!

What other fears should I smash?    What other fears need to be annihilated in our lives!

Anchors

Weight loss and maintenance is NOT something that is completed and never thought about again.  I am a food addict.  For that reason I know that I will struggle with maintaining for the  rest of my life.  Will it be easy?  Hopefully I  can change my habits and routine enough that my lifestyle fosters a good healthy weight.  Do I want to have to track my food for the rest of my life?  No....but will I have to?   Honestly, I may have to....at least 75% of the time....or even 50% of the time.  I don't know.

What I DO know is that tracking my food.  Keeping a food journal of my 'good eats' is tantamount to my success.  There are so many reasons for me.
     *it keeps me honest.  We all know that if I don't have to write it then it doesn't really count...right???
     *it is a good check to let me know what I'm eating that is good and what is bad
     *It keeps me in line
     *it is my anchor.  I put my food in and it anchors me to this process

Yes, it is my weight loss anchor.  Kinda crazy, but It steadies me.  It keeps me grounded and focused on what I need to be doing.  Without that anchor I tend to drift away.   I may still try to drift (those days when my weight watchers point expenditure is way way way over budget)....but the process of accountability to my food journal anchors me and doesn't let me drift far.

So what other anchors do I have?

For me, it's a mental thing.  I have visions of myself back at my goal weight.  I have visions of myself that happy confident person.  That anchors me to this process.  Because I know that what I'm doing right now to lose the weight, will help bring that person back.  And yes, that person is lost.  Will the weight loss solve all of my woes?   Absolutely not.  I dont' expect the weight loss to do that.....this time.   When I originally lost the weight, I expected life to be peachy, rosy and just grand.  After all, it was my weight that was holding me back in EVERYTHING.  And yes, my weight was holding me back a lot.....but there were bigger issues that I have had to face.  I'm facing them.  I don't know how they will be resolved...but I'm trying to face them because I know that once again being thin will NOT take them away.  Lesson learned.

Sick and Tired

Today marks the 1 month anniversary of Chris' death.  I miss my friend....I still find myself wanting to text him or hang out with him.  But I'm moving on...accepting life as it is, which is what he would have wanted everyone that knew him to do.   Wait, not only accepting life...but embracing life.  Embracing what life throws at me.    It's difficult becuase I dont' want to embrace the crappiness that seems to have been hurled my way recently.  But I'm trying.

I've been fighting off a sinus issue/cold since Friday.  I decided to push myself last night and I went to zumba.  It was incredibly difficult to make it through the hour...but I pushed through and did it.  I'm not sure I can make it tonight.  The cold has taken a turn for the worse and I just feel 100% run down.  The dry hacking cough is there, chest tightness, sore throat....just generally icky.

As much as I want to go, I have to tell myself that I am trying to lose weight and exercise in order for me to be healthier.  Pushing myself when i'm not well is not a healthy maneuver.

Back to work

My long weekend has come and gone.  BOOOOO    On Friday I got my first bike ride of the season in.  It was blustery and cool.  I was comfortable in what I wore, but Todd was a bit on the chilly side (he wore shorts...lol).  We had a nice lunch out and then went home and worked outside in the yard all afternoon.  And that is where it started to go downhill.  It started with a sore throat and progressively got worse.  So that was it for my planned weekend of high activity levels.  In fact, today....Tuesday will be my first day back to exercise..and I'm actually a bit leery about it because I'm still hoarse, still coughing but the chest congestion is not breaking......etc etc etc.  Go figure.   But you know what....my body demanded the rest.  I had no say in the matter.

My weight for the week......I lost 3/10ths of a pound.  I'll take it!!!!  A loss is a loss.  Anything other than a gain is a good thing.  :-)

I know that my rampant stress and the resulting emotions are hindering my weight loss. I know that in the past for me to lose weight I really did have to have my mind in the right place.  I WANT my mind to be there but I know that it's not.  If that makes any sense.  My mind instead jumps from thought to thought from issue to issue .  Some of the thoughts are about things I can't change....missing my friend. Other thoughts are about things that I need to do in my life....things I need to do....things I need to get straight, worries that I have, etc.   And my focus is taken away from the weight loss. 

Sometimes I feel as if I have way too much going on....that one day I'm just going to pop into a million smithereens, unable to handle the pressure anymore.

A day of rest

Yesterday I hit up my first bike ride of the season.  My right knee (arthritis) was KILLING me.  Horrible.  I pushed through it thought.  We went slow, it was windy and Todd hasn't exercised at all in ages.  But all in all it was a good ride. 

Last night though things started to really bother me.  My 'bone'  in  my foot.  Not quite my ankle...below it.  Can't explain it, but it's given me grief for YEARS upon years!   It acts up and I baby it for a while and then it gets better.  So that is giving me grief right now. 

SOOOOOOOOOO....even though I really wanted to go to a zumba class this morning, I'm passing. Taking a day of rest.  :-)  Besides (not that this has ANYTHING to do with exercise) the last few weeks I've been exhausted.  Struggle to wake up .....falling asleep early.   Just tired!  So a day of rest from exercise won't hurt that either.

So my weight.  I'm up 2 pounds.  Can't figure that one out.  I've been really good this week too!   Not gonna let it get me down...gonna plug along.  Watching carefully and do what I KNOW are the right things to do....and I know that eventually my weight will start to drop!

Pride and small victories

Victories, no matter how small and seemingly inconsequential are still victories.  They are still cause to celebrate and to cheer for each victory for each one is hard fought...and each one is one step closer to winning the long term prize.

Last night I went to zumba.  I went to the early session.  And I did the 1 hour of the early session and voila' I stayed for the second session and did a SECOND one hour session.  It really is just mind over matter.  During a normal hour, your mind knows that it's about done and I find that it sorta lets down it's guard.  I finished the first hour and I knew that it wasn't going to be ending so my guard was NOT lowered and I just plugged right through hour two.  Was I sore?   Heck yeah, we are doing lots of squats and lunges......a new song that is ALL squats and lunges on top of the other songs that incorporate them in.  One session of zumba has those muscles just screaming.  But two?  Ohh yeah, I finished but I was feeling it.  Good fun.  :-)

This morning, I woke up a bit stiff, but determined to push through and get my training jog in.  I planned to run my new route which I think will be pretty close to 3 miles.....I started out...jogged my legs were heavy but I pushed through. My knees hurt, but I knew it was because of the changing weather on my arthritis, so I pushed through.  My feet were a bit sore, but I pushed onward.  About a mile in I knew that my body was just not up to par.....I was beat.  My legs were heavier than heavy.  I knew that pushing myself further was not going to make anything better and it was NOT going to help me in the long run.  So I walked the rest of the way...and went straight back to the car....just about 1.5 miles total for the day...more than half jogging.   SO here I am at work a few hours later, wearing a foot brace.  (yeah, the foot is achy!)...but otherwise, feeling OK.  Better to be OK rather than so beat that I can't do anything tomorrow.

Tomorrow, both Todd and I are off and I hope to get out on our bikes and ride!  WOOO HOOOO

So my victory.  I was getting ready to eat lunch. Didn't know what I wanted....so while I decided pulled out the pretzels and nutella (that stuff is crack in chocolate/hazelnut form).  I ate a few and put it back.  Yes I knew that I wanted more, but I held myself to a small amount. (victory number 1).  I decided to pull a Lean Cuisine out of the freezer.  The Spring Rolls, a relatively new item that they sell I think...VERY good.  There are 2 servings in the box...and I pulled them both out. I was hungry!   I opened the one package and put it on the plate ready to microwave and started the second one...and I was like "NO".  If I really want it after I'm done eating I know that I can ALWAYS microwave the second one, because each one is only 5 points.....so 10 points is actually not bad.  But I held off and just fixed ONE serving.  (Victory number 2).    While I was eating my one serving of spring rolls, I got online and put my food into the tracker to calculate my points.  (victory number 3...not waiting until it was too late).  I put in my meal that I have planned for the evening and my breakfast and what I'd already eaten for lunch.  Plenty of points left over.  8 in fact.  YIPPEE  I could have the other serving of spring rolls.  I mean, that's awesome right.....until I realized that I was a bit shy on the fruits and veggies. SO I pulled out the leftover pears from dinner last night and had that.....AND had some corn.  Yeah, I used a fair amount of points on the corn, but hey, I like corn...and it is after all a vegetable!    I chose healthy....versus the easy and tempting spring rolls!  (victory number 4).   The additional fruit and veggies filled me up and I was quite satisfied.

You know what?  The sense of pride in beating this food addiction...even in this little small way is phenomenal!  I want to feel it more often!!!!

zumba

Stepped onto the scales this morning and holy cow!  My weight is almost back to where it was a week and a half ago.  What's up with that??????   I did eat dinner late....and I had popcorn after dinner...so sodium city.  Who knows.  I'm not going to let it derail me.  I'm going to truck on with what I'm doing and not let it get to me.  Eat right, follow the plan and exercise my freakin' butt off (literally.....haa haa haa).

Made it to zumba last night.  It kicked my butt.  My knees were hurting and I just felt sluggish.  I think the knees are because of the rapidly changing weather and the RAIN.  Both of those things are murder on the old arthritic knees.  So what did I do in regards to zumba?  I kept on and didn' let my knee pain stop me.  Was I careful with some of my movements?  Of course!  Did I let it derail me?  NO NO NO!

I'm really seriously contemplating doing a double tonight at zumba. A double meaning back to back classes.....2 straight hours of cardio.  Doesn't that sound fun????

Curb the Carbs

I am still super detemined to make this next 6 months the turning point, the fix it time.  I don't know if I'll be able to enact enough change to pull everything out and to turn things around, but golly gee, I certainly want to try!

I lost 2.5 pounds last week.  I'm struggling thus far this week.  I'm relatively ok with my actual 'budget' (calories/points whatever you want to call my tracking system).  Yesterday I thought I was going to be over with my points, but I was just perfect.  Today, i'll be 4-5 points over.  My problem?   Lots and lots of carbs.  I need to curb the carbs.  I know that it's the 'comfort food' quest.  I've been down...really down and with that comes the desire to eat things that make me feel good...makes me feel better. Food is my friend. What can I say.  I'm trying to combate it though.  Overcome.

I have two pretty large goals and motivational things coming up this year.  The first of course is running a 5K and not being hte last one (in my age bracket) across the finish line.  I've tenatively set the July 4th run (in Williamsport, MD...The Freedom Run) as my projected 5K date.  So I'm working on training for that.  I'm slow as molasses right now, but I have almost three months to better myself. 

The other big one?   Todd and I have a vacation in August.  We plan on doing a through bike trip on the canal.  That is 184 miles in 3 days.  We've done 40-45 miles in one day before...that would be our biggest rides, and when we did those ride, we weren't wiped out and dead the next day either.  So it's just a thing of getting back to that point.  I always said that if I did a through trip that I would want to stay in hotels each night...but for some crazy reason...I've agreed to camp the two nights on the canal.  Ohhh joy!   The tenative plan is to go to Cumberland one day.(heres hoping my parents will drive us up...in our car if they so desire)..stay overnight in cumberland (at a hotel) and then leave early to head down the towpath.  Two nights at hiker bikers....arrive in Georgetown and stay overnight down there...and be picked up down there the next day.  :-) (once again, at the mercy of someone picking us up...although we have talked about back up plans to get there and back) So that is a huge thing...and to do so, I've got to get on my bike and RIDE!

Saturday

Disappointed...my weight was down about 3 pounds but then popped back up two pounds.  I'm still on the good side of where I was last Sunday, so I"m not too upset, but it is just disappointing.  I'm working my butt off and it's going so slow.  The weight just dropped off the last time.  ARRGGHHH

I have already been out jogging this morning.  I only went 1.5 miles (roughly)  becuase number one, even though my time doesn't show it, I jogged it (my jog is VERY SLOW) the whole time.....and secondly because I plan on going to zumba in about an hour.  Yeah, an hour of intense cardio.  WOOO HOOO.  :-)

I know that if I continue to workout like I have this week that the weight WILL come off.  I was looking in the mirror and while I don't know that a week is enough time to SEE a differnce, It seemed as if my body is already changing.  Just my first thought.  Who knows.....and I'm not going to spend too much time pondering it.  haa haa haa

Todd and I have some time off together next weekend.  We were originally talking about doing this and that.....lots of driving lots of sitting and lots of eating (and spending money).  We have instead decided to try to do more active things.  Bike rides on the western part of the canal and maybe on the eastern part also.  I've got to return to a more active lifestyle.  I know that activity is key to losing weight and KEEPING IT OFF!   I can do it!!!!!

Thursday

I have held it together this week, and I am slowly starting to see my weight drop. I've also worked my BUTT off with the physical activity.  Walking, jogging, zumba....you name it!  :-)  My legs are sore sore sore (zumba....new song....squats....ouch)  but it's a good sore. 

I'm gonna do this....this is MY YEAR!

I have a page at the top of here to track my exercise.  My stats for my jogging are somewhat pitiful right now, but you know what...I'm posting them anyway so that in a month I can look back and say "wow, look how far I've come!"

I've decided.  And I have a time frame.  I'm giving myself 6 months to get myself in line.  Gather myself up.  get my life under control.  And at the end of 6 months, I will make some huge decisions that I've been waffling on.  So my goal....get rid of the weight in these six months!!!!!

How am I doing it???? Accountability with a few good friends.  Tracking my food intake.  Exercise, exercise exercise.  Bike riding, walking, jogging, zumba will all be common themes.  I have decided to train for a 5K....and specifically one that will take on July 4th.  I jogged today.  It is painful to actually post my results of the jog (part walk) because it's so sad ...but here it is. 

walk time 32:35, 2.06 miles, average 15:51 /mile, ascent 587 feet.  

The goal now?  To make it 3.1 miles to make the 5k mark and to obviously move my pace faster so it's not just barely a notch above a walk! 

mf