I'm doing ok.  Getting past some things.  Laughing heartily at some other things.  Mourning and missing the friend that I talked to so much.  But I've also done some real soul searching about ME.....about my life....about where I am.  I'm trying to adopt a totally different view on life, a totally different attitude if you will.  Go back to my roots.  Start from what I know....and for me that is in my faith, my religion.  I've been so angry at what has been dealt that I've turned away.....maybe it's time to turn back.  No, not be a fanatical religious person, that has never been me.....but just remember what I believe and my faith.  It has brought me some peace about everything that's been going on within my life. 

No regrets

I'm much more at peace right now about everything.  Few things about it....

I say I'm at peace.  I'm not saying I won't cry ever again about this.  Sometime in the last day or so I gathered myself up and really thought about some things that Chris had said in passing while we talked about various things.  One thing was "I live with no regrets.  I make my choices and decisions based on what I feel is the best.  I may chose wrong, I may  fuck up my life (sorry, these are his words not mine!), but I can hold my head up and have no regrets because I chose based on what my heart and head said to do."    The other thing was so simple but whenever you said something or expressed concern about something that had happened or was happening to him he said "It is what it is."    Sometimes he would expound on that line to add "it can't be changed so there is no use feeling sorry.  Back when he would say stuff I sat there and thought about how harsh that was.....and yes it is.  But in theory, it's the only way to be.  Accept what life dishes out and move on.  Chris tried to adhere to this.....don't think he always succeeded...but he tried.   The other major thing that I'm taking away from my friendship with Chris.....live for yourself, do not try to be someone you are not, do not try to fit into a mold that is not suited to you.  Live for yourself...be your own person.  March that that different beat if that's what you hear in your head...and hold your head high doing it, some people won't understand but that is their loss.  Stifle who you are and you lose in the long run.

The other thing that I can thank Chris for?  He was always full of compliments.   For someone whose self worth has been shaken to the core his kind words were a balm to my soul.  For that I will be eternally grateful. 

All this said, I miss my friend more than words can say.  I keep waiting for my phone to vibrate with a "morning sunshine" message.  Or for him to tell me some quirky story or play me some piece of music that he just knew I needed to hear.  Or for him to just chat about life happenings.  His death leaves a big hole in my life.  

Todd and I were talking yesterday and we started saying "there are somethings that don't add up about Chris' death being called a suicide.  He was making plans for the future.  He was setting up a record label with another mutual friend and was very excited about it. He and I had plans to visit ESP (Eastern State Penitentiary) in Philadelphia with our cameras.  Thursday night he told me about something he wanted to experience before he died...no NEEDED to experience (and there is no way he experienced it in the two day interim).   Yes, he talked constantly about "giving up" and "suicide" and such....but honestly, that was Chris.   So Todd and I started to doubt the original email from this 'close friend' that told us it was suicide.   I did talk to his brother a bit and like Todd and I said, until the toxicology reports come back...they won't know.   But, his brother said that Chris had to do lists and such and every indication was that he planned to wake up.  I have my suspicions and I think it could have been accidental due to a reckless act (taking too much of one medication in conjunction with another...all taken innocently, but recklessly  in an effort to get relief from some various ailments) that he chose to take...knowing what could happen but willing to take his chances because he felt as if he had nothing to lose.  Just my suspicions. 

Am I still depressed....yeah.   This has shaken me to the core.  Will I try to climb out again?  Absolutely.  If for nothing else than that Chris wouldn't want me to sit in a funk.  Will it be easy?  Heck no.  I knew when I started to dig my way out a few weeks ago (or was it a few months...whatever) that it was going to be a long hard road.  I'd allowed words and situations to win and I had stopped being me in the process because I thought that's what people wanted.  Every situation is still there facing me....I now have the grief and loss of my friend to compound that.   But I'm worth it, I'm worth the effort.  Chris told me I was....in the way he treated me.  In how he talked to me.  And in his actions toward me.

So here we go with the trying to find things to be thankful amidst the ruins of my life as I attempt to put the pieces back together.

March 25, 2011 
   Today I am thankful that my life was touched by the man that was Christian 'Chris" Harvey.  While his death has caused me sadness, his life has given me so much more. 

For me today:  I dont' know what I'm going to do FOR ME.  But I'll come up with something. 

Be true to yourself

Kinda quirky...but this was shared with me a while back, I just sat and said how utterly true.....it came to mind yesterday as I grieve the loss of my friend, becuase he tried to do that.  Some may have said he was an outcast because he walked to the beat of his own drum....but he was truely his own person and if you looked past the quirks you couldn't help but like him.

I believe that one defines oneself by reinvention. To not be like your parents. To not be like your friends. To be yourself. To cut yourself out of stone. If you hate your parents, the man or the establishment, don't show them up by getting wasted and wrapping your car around a tree. If you really want to rebel against your parents: out earn them, outlive them, and know more than they do. I am ready for what ever's coming. I expect nothing but to be let down or turned away. I am alone. Goddamn. The shit hurts sometimes, but I realize what I am, what I have become. The alien man waved his arms up and down and noticed that he couldn't wave in the right language so he stopped.



There are so many hammocks to catch you if you fall, so many laws to keep you from experience. All the cities I have been in make me fully understand the cozy, stifling state in which most people pass through life. I don't want to pass through life like a smooth plane ride. All you do is get to breathe and copulate and finally die. I don't want to go with the smooth skin and the calm brow. I hope I end up a blithering idiot cursing the sun - hallucinating, screaming, giving obscene and inane lectures on street corners and public parks. People will walk by and say, "Look at that drooling idiot. What a basket case." I will turn and say to them "It is you who are the basket case. For every moment you hated your job, cursed your wife and sold yourself to a dream that you didn't even conceive. For the times your soul screamed yes and you said no. For all of that. For your self-torture, I see the glowing eyes of the sun! The air talks to me! I am at all times!" And maybe, the passers by will drop a coin into my cup.
                      Christian Harvey


Reminder to all of us to live our lives for OURSELVES.....be the person that we want to be...and not whatever someone else wants.  Live live to the fullest and don't become sucked in by the things that the world wants us to focus on (jobs) becuase they are NOT the important things in life.  LIVE FOR YOURSELF!

The mountain to Happiness

A month or so I wrote about how i was so utterly depressed and just overwhelmingly sad.  I wrote on here how I was trying to dig my way out of this pit of despair.  It was slow but I feel as if I was really making progress.  I was standing up for me.  I was taking time to do things for me.  I was starting to feel better.  Yeah, life was still really getting me down, but I was trying to focus on the good things.  Trying to not allow things to get to me...to not dwell on everything that seems to have dumped on me in recent months.

However yesterday all my progree came to a crashing halting stop.  Let me back up.  A good friend of mine....someone that I hang out with a few times a week and text everyday....numerous and constantly has been depressed and down.  I was with him on Thursday and was sufficiently worried about something that was going to occur in his life on Saturday that I sent him a text on Saturday telling him to keep his head up.  He did text me back and say "Don't worry about me, i'm not going to kill myself yet"  I responded back but didn't hear anything else.  I sent more texts on Sunday.....and Monday...and Tuesday.  By Tuesday I knew something was seriously wrong.  On Tuesday afternoon, I received a phone call with the horrible news.  He committed suicide this past weekend.

I lost a good friend.  Honestly, although he knew nothing of my problems and woes (or very little....by my choice, I didn't want him to have to worry about me in the midst of everything going on with his life) he was my anchor as I worked to rebuild the fragile pieces of my emotions.   He filled the void as my husband and I work opposite schedules....so I always had someone to talk to those long nights at home alone....or someone to go out with when Todd wasn't available.  I'm crushed and devastated at the loss of my friend.

I can't wrap my head around it. And I can't stop crying.  I think about the good times with him.....and feel better for a few minutes....and then I think about my issues and I just can't deal with them....so I cry.    I am NOT suicidal....because I would never do something to knowingly cause pain to my friends and family....but I can see and totally understand where he was at.  You sometimes feel like the mountain to happiness is tooo high.

Bucket List

1.   Run a 5K (and not be the last one coming across the finish line)
2.   Ride another quarter century on my bike (at an event)
3.   Ride a half century on my bike (at an event)
4.   Ride a full century on my bike (at an event)
5.   Complete a triathlon
6.   return to my goal weight
7.   publish my writing
8.   vacation in germany
9.   have a baby
10. write a novel
11. Photography- expand my knowledge to fully understand and be able to shoot productively in all situations.
12.  Find an illustrator for the "cats on the Canal" childrens book
13.  Publish my "cats on the canal" childrens book
14.  Photography - enter contests
15.  Photography -WIN a contest
16.  Piano- return my skills to the point that I can pick up almost any book and play from sight
17.  Return to Florida...specifically Brooksville and Tampa....for a visit down memory lane
18. 

This will be a work in progress as I expand and change the list as time goes by!

Thursday

This morning I got outside...started to walk and just wanted to move faster....so I started to jog.  I jogged one song and walked one.  And I thought.  I thought about the fact that running a 5k is always something that I've had in the the back of my mind to do.......and that brought some other things up that I want to do.  And right then and there I decided to write my list of  'to do' things down and take pride as I work toward them.    I'm a total list maker.  Part of the attraction is to have a list that I can visualize and remember what my goals are.  The other thing....the sense of accomplishment at the completion of an item is HUGE!

So I'm back on track...and feel STRONG today.  I can do this!

Put it behind me!

Can I put this weekend behind me?  I want to.  I want to move on and forget about everything that has happened. HOWEVER, i'm living with it and my stress levels that I thought were sky high before have just hit an all time new high.

I got off work on Friday afternoon at 2.  Headed home for a quick stop before heading out to attend to my errands.  Interrupted a burgulary in progress.  Yes!   I must have interrupted them at the very beginning because they got very little.  Soooo...Friday afternoon was spent talking to the cops, rounding up my cats (they left my inside cats out) and changing locks on the house. (we have no clue how they got in...no sign of forced entry)    They didn't get much (because I came home what must have been immediately after they got into the house) and what they did take wouldn't be covered because we have a deductible. But I feel totally violated and defiled!

So eating this weekend?   Not good. I've eaten everything AND the kitchen sink!  Trying to reign it in today!!

Plotting and planning

I'm seriously considering going back to weight watchers. The accountability is so vital for me. Last spring it didn't work. Last spring I don't think I was ready to say that I've hit bottom...AGAIN. I'm there. I need to make changes in my life. The money is the biggest factor. I don't want to spend it (and money is tight so $40 a month is a stretch....however, I'm already paying $13 for the etools....so it's actually only $27....ok, put that way.....) I've also realized that competition is not working for me. I've started competitions with people and I've bombed each and every one. Yes, I hate to lose....so when I mess up and start to lose, I give up. I'm not going to set up any dates of when I want to reach the goals. Oh wait, I'll say "ohhh I think and hope to be such and such by such and such' But I can't set any "I'll be 10 pounds down by the time we go on vacation" Once again, it's easier to give up and stop. It's this intense fear of failure.....so when I start to slip and slide backwards towards failure, I just give up so that I don't have to look at myself and say 'you failed, Maryfran....you failed again'.
I've eaten rather well this past week. My choices haven't been all that bad. I've eaten lots of fruits and veggies. BUT my weight is still up a bit from where it was on Monday. I know why though....because my portion control has been out of whack. So that's the next thing to tackle.

I have value

Monday is done.  I stayed within my points....made it to zumba.....all was well.   This morning Todd requested waffles...so i made them.  The points are calculated and my lunch is very nutritious and healthy, so I still have a decent amount of points for the evening and for my dinner.  So I should be OK.

HOWEVER, today is fastnacht day!   SOOOO  of course in at least this area, that means DOUGHNUTS!  My manager brought a bag of fresh donuts in for us.  Just walking by the counter where the donuts sit the smell just wafts lazily through the air, tempting my taste buds, making me salivate!  AHHHHH  Not gonna do it!  

I've thought about setting goals for myself.  But you know what.  I focus on the goals and lose track of what I'm doing.....which is taking care of me.  Yes for the last few years I've joined weight loss challenges.  I've set goals for myself.  I'd done everything I can think of to challenge and motivate myself.  But each time I do horrible.  And that's because I'm not doing it for the right reasons.  The right reasons?    Because I'm worth the effort.  Plain and simple, I'm worth it.  Yes, I'm worth the effort to make me better.  I'm worthy of being a thin person again.  No matter what anyone has said or done to make me feel it, I do deserve to feel good about myself!!!!   I have value, even if I've not seen it for a long time.

Ephiphany!

Just had an epiphany!   I realized and remembered (it just came to me out of the blue) that when I first lost the weight that I really didn't have much success until AFTER I basically sat back and said "you know what?  I like myself the way I am"   I wanted to lose weight still, but my losing weight wasn't contingent upon my self worth.     And you know what?  I lost weight. 

Somewhere along the way though, I lost my focus anddrive.  I switched away from the original motivator that started this....and that was to lose weight for MYSELF and instead started to use other motivators.  I made comments to myself that "when I finish losing this weight, this problem will go away or be miraculously fixed...becuase the weight is causing it"   Life would be grand.  However, life wasn't grand.....the problems and difficulties didn't go away.  They were still right there...and since those problems had become the motivator, I gave up....and gained some of the weight back.

So here I sit.....pounds heavier again. I swore I would NEVER again weigh over 200 pounds...yet here I sit.  I am filled with self hatred and self disgust over where I'm at.  I struggle with accepting myself at this weight.  I remember how good 180 felt!   And I have refused to accept me for exactly what I am......ME.  Is it going to be easy to aceppt this current weighted me?  NO!!!!!!  Do I feel at all lovable?  Worthy?   No!!!!!  Not all all.  Circumstances have beat some of that out of me.  But I'm going to have to work on saying to myself "Maryfran, no matter what you weigh......you are an ok person....and I accepted you at 180 pounds, I accept you now  at 200 plus pounds.  I accepted you at 250 pounds....and 275 pounds.  And you know what....I accepted myself at 315 pounds, my highest ever.  No matter what I weigh, I'm the same person inside and losing the weight only makes that same person stronger!"  

Now, I"m not saying that I accept this weight....meaning I'm going to throw out my 'thin' clothes (the ones I hope to wear again) and go out and actually finish buying a wardrobe for my current size (I've bought the bare minimum...lol).  No, I still want to lose.  But I refuse to downtalk and beat myself up anymore.  I'm who I am.  I have an addiction......I did it to myself.  But you know what....that's what makes MaryFran intrinsically me!!!!!

Well.......yesterday was rough.  I usually don't get knocked flat by a little work at the dentist....but yesterday knocked me as flat as they come.  I was just so sluggish and out of it the rest of the day.  My mouth was numbed at about 1PM...and at 10 I was STILL numb.  And joy of all joys....my jaw and mouth is STILL sore today.  

The only good thing....is for my eating.  I am going out with some friends tonight after work.  I was FULLY planning on knocking a few back. (not to the point of drunkeness of course) but having a few.  Well, I'm not supposed to have alcohol for 72 hours or something like that.  Well shucks!    So that is a good thing for my eating though.....empty calories and all that.

Life is a choice.  We chose what we do. We chose how we react to things.  And those choices bring us to where we are.  We can't go back and change the choices we made.  However, the choices I make TODAY will affect my future.  SOOOO that is my challenge....to really change how I react and what choices I make TODAY...knowing that my future depends on it!

I can eat healthy!  I can do this!!!!!

Tuesday

Didn't do too badly yesterday.  I ate a little 'heavy' for dinner, but I was withing my food budget for the day, so I'm happy with myself.  I've already put in todays foods into the tracker so that's a start also.  Gotta focus on making GOOD choices!!!!

I have a feeling my work day is going to DRAG by......