I have written lately about how I feel depressed sometimes because I want to be normal. I don't want to have to watch every stinkin' bite of food that goes into my mouth. I don't want to have to push myself to exercise because I NEED to. How I want to be able to eat anything I want and not have to worry about it. I want to be normal. Sooooo this morning when I woke up, I was like...ohh my actions last night were so abnormal. And it just once again proves how abnormal and screwed up my thought processes are when it comes to all things related to food. Let me start for the beginning.
Yesterday while still at work I planned out my meal for the evening. I was to be home alone, which is almost always a huge huge issue with me because with my addiction to food, I have a tendency to keep eating and with no-one there to help keep me in check it sometimes isn't pretty when I write down what I have eaten. So I planned my evening out. I was going to use the leftover tomato sauce, put it on a flour tortilla and top it with 1/4 cup fat free mozzarella...i would cleanse my palate with a serving of grapes. That would actually give me a nice dinner and it would actually put me with 3 points to spare for the evening, in case I wanted to make popcorn or grab a 1/2 cup serving (pre-measured of course) of ice cream (2 points for what I currently have in the freezer). All was good. I've learned, if I have a plan and I can and will stick to the plan and not just eat what my addiction directs me to eat. SOOOO, I went home and made my little pizza. The first problem was the cheese. I think I should pre-measure my cheese for these things too...because of course I dumped WAY more than the 1/4 cup that I had planned. But no worries, I had those extra points to take care of it. I decided to spice up my pizza by adding some more garlic powder and other spices. Great idea right? I don't know what overcame me but I went happy with the garlic powder. And garlic powder is a good thing.....in small amounts. In large amounts...not so good! My dinner tasted, 'ok' but not the greatest. But after dinner, I found that I just wanted more and more food. Why? Because the taste of garlic was so strong that i was still tasting it a few hours later. I had a 1/2 cup serving of ice cream and I also had a jello pudding cup. So it could have been worse. But why did I eat them? Oh, I knew why I ate them......I was trying to cleanse my palate. I was trying to remove the overpowering taste of the garlic powder. I drank a diet soda...that didn't help! I wanted to eat more, but somehow managed to keep from tearing the cupboard doors off the hinges.
So this morning I woke up and before I even moved out of the bed I realized how abnormal I was. A NORMAL person would have simply gone to the bathroom and brushed their teeth...used some mouthwash. But no, I immediately turned to food to fix my problem. What an easy fix it would have been. Yes, I eventually figured it out and fixed the problem. But come on now....is my thinking so screwed up that even something as simple as that is tied with food. Is anything in my life not directly tied to food????