Trying

I'm trying.  I'm putting my food intake into the tracker on E-tools. Trying to get used to this new points plus system.  More difficult for me as I'm just changing over without the benefit of the meetings to teach me the finer points of the new system.  But I'm workin' it.  Luckily it's similar enough that I'm ok with the change.

I'm still on a restricted activity.  Yeah, I could get out and exercise...but movement hurts.  Deep breathing hurts.  And it just doesn't hurt while I do it....it causes the pain to flare up and then I suffer the rest of the day....or at least for a few hours. (depending on how bad it is).    I can't change the exercise stuff...but I can change my eating..and get that in line.  :-)  The exercise will recommence as soon as humanly possible.

I WILL lick this once and for all!

Report

Follow up Doctors appointment.  First of all let me say that I waited an HOUR AND FORTY FIVE MINUTES for this appointment.  There is no excuse....and there was NO apology or anything for my wait.  I walked into the doors of the ER on Sunday and walked out 2 hours later.  The ER was almost quicker than a visit to my family doctor...(and i had more tests done at the ER...).  I think it's time to find a new doctor!

Ok, diagnosis.  The doctor agrees with the diagnosis of Bronchitis.  The problem.....prolonged infections in your respiratory system can cause pleuritis (and inflamation in the lining of the lungs).   Uhh yeah....apparently three plus weeks (that's how long I"ve been dealing with this) is enough to cause that.  Joy joy.  What do you do for pleuritis........nothing.   Treat the original infection (done...the ER did that)  Anti-inflmatory drugs....so basically ibuprofen for a few weeks.  I have a follow up appointment on January 6th. Hopefully I'm healthy and well by then!

I got to thinking about this.  When the chest pains started to get worse, I kept telling myself  "MaryFran, you are NOT having a heart attack...you are only 38 years old."  But I knew that there IS a chance....even if I were younger.  I also realized that by regaining the weight I brought back the very thing that I worked so hard to eradicate.  And that was extra risk factors to my health.  I originally lost the weight for a few reasons...and one of those was because I knew that the added weight was going to kill me.  So while I denied how bad these chest pains were to everyone that would listen....inside I was beating myself up and telling myself that "this time you've done it...you've let things get out of control and your body has had enough of it"    Luckily that was not the case....but if I don't get it under control I may not be so lucky  next time.  One of these obesity related diseases WILL strike me.  (as it is, I need to get the weight down to bring my cholesterol back down!)

So while I really can't exercise.... (movement is NOT good.....causes the chest pains to increase in intensity tenfold) I  CAN start tracking my food and really starting to watch what I eat!

I go to see my family doctor tomorrow.  The chest is still feeling tight. Earlier today it was giving me grief.  Rigfht now it's just a minor nuisance pain.   If I keep my breathing more shallow and don't move too much I'm good.  :-)   That's not normal..so yeah, I'm heading to see my doctor tomorrow.

I also have decided that enough is enough.  I started tracking....AGAIN.  Just today.  I know it needs to be done.  I'll get used to the new points system in time I"m sure.   No, I can't exercise right now...but I can pull my eating back under control.  I haven't stepped foot on the scales since I've been back from our little mini vacation.   I will do that probably tomorrow morning (plus it will let me know if our scales are calibrated correctly.....matching at least somewhat to the doctors scales).  Nervous about that.

Sidelined

Yes, I'm sidelined. I'm trying to watch what I eat...but exercise is...well a thing that is not really in my vocabulary right now.

For the last two weeks (two and a half actually) I've been experiencing chest pains.  A tightness in my chest.  At first I just assumed that I was getting a chest cold...but 2.5 weeks later I've finally accepted that something is seriously wrong.  (I've not had any coughing or congestion)

SOoooo on Sunday i went to the ER.  EKG was fine.   Chest x-rays were fine.  So they sent me home with an antibiotic and said "you have bronchitis".   I've been on the meds now for 3 days....not much relief yet.  It feels half way normal (just a tingle when I breathe) in the morning...but as soon as I start moving around it progressivly worsens until by the evening I'm sitting with my hand on my chest.  I've also started to accept the fact taht I'm exhausted.  I fell asleep last night between 8:30 and 9PM.  And other than stumbling to the bedroom at about 10:30...I slept through to 7AM...and would have slept longer if the alarm wouldn't have gone off for Todd.   Saturday evening we went into a bookstore at 8PM....A bookstore!  And I couldn't even walk through the store....I just wanted to sit down (and did).

Soooo I'm not sure what's up.

reevaluation

I'm reevaluting the scale issue.  They have me back at the exact same weight that I was all last week.  I was that weight last night before I went to bed.  I was that weight this morning....and again AFTER I went tot he bathroom (yeah, TMI).   This is just odd.  I've always weighed daily....and NEVER have I been at the same weight like that.  TO THE OUNCE.  This is just not right!

I haven't fallen away, although it feels like it.  I'm still battling those more negative feelings that I spoke about in my most recent post.  I really dont' know how to go about it so I'm at a loss.  But I'm plodding along.

The Monday before Thanksgiving I decided that there is one thing that I DO know how to do.  One problem that I DO know how to fix.  Or at least I know what steps to take that should (and in the past have shown to work) to fix this problem.  That problem...my ballooning weight.  So I stepped up to the plate and made a vow to myself that I would lose...or at the very least show a maintain over the Thanksgiving holiday.  I didn't say anything much on here or to anyone.  I've failed so miserably lately and I just didn't want to have to come out and say "I failed again"  I knew it would be rough.  Not only was there a holiday (a big food holiday) involved....but I would be spending 4.5 days at my parents house...where snack foods, baked goods and just pure food heaven existed.  I set about my task.I weighed in every day.  Monday to get a starting weight and every day thereafter to monitor.  I wont way that I dind't have snacks.  On wednesday, I had two cookies...but watched my food intake the rest of the day.  Not starving...just healthier choices.  On Thursday I weighed myself....I was down about 2.6 pounds already.  I made good choices with my food intake on thursday...although I did eat three meals.  Just smaller portions and healthier choices.  I had a piece of cherry pie mid afternoon.  Friday morning...I weighed myself.....EXACTLY THE SAME AS THURSDAY!  WOO HOO!  It sparked me and I watched my food intake carefully on Friday, trying to make healthy choices when the options just weren't there for me.....I had a piece of pumpkin pie this day.  Saturday  morning...weighed myself.....EXACTLY THE SAME!  Saturday....more managing.....no snacks.  :-)   Sunday....the exact same weight.  I was starting to ponder this.  Not even budging an ounce???   That is odd.  Monday...weighed again...same exact weight.  I checked the scales by waiting until after my shower with a towel wrapped around me. (knowing that the water and towel would make me heavier)....it did show me 1.5 pounds higher...so I knew my scales were working.  Tuesday....what did I weigh?  Well exactly the same of course!     I kept at it...still fearful that my scales were working.  This morning......I showed a 1.4 loss!  WOO HOOOO!!!!!!!

So the moral of the story.  I didn't just maintain over thanksgiving....I lost 2.6 pounds!  AND I'm well on my way (1.4 pounds) to a loss for this upcoming week! 

Death of a Dream

Uhhhh yeah, I"ve been absent for a while.     And if you've read my blog for any length of time, you know what an absence means.  It means NOT good things.

I've gained a bit in the last few weeks.  Why is this so hard?

I'm kinda right now focusing on ME.  Not so much the eating me.  But I'm forcing myself to face some facts.  I've actually been meaning to write about this on here.  I wrote it in my private journal (in full detail way back on november 10th...just checked the date in that journal) and just never had the gumption to come on here and write it.  But then something else happened....in relation and it's thrown me into a deeper tailspin.

Ok...going back to a week ago.  I was thinking about goals and desires and dreams.  I realized that I'm somewhat afraid to dream and have big goals. Why was this though?   I started to think about some of the dreams I've had in the past.  The first one...I ALWAYS wanted to be a teacher.  Another one...It was always a foregone conclusion that I would be a parent....I just always knew.  There was another big one in the list that I'm not going to bring up right now...but it's a BIG one.  Well, when I identified those huge dreams....I realized that they have ALL bombed out...and BIG TIME.  Teaching...well, I wrote about that a while back.  NOT good.  The baby thing....for personal reasons we haven't even tried.  And the third one.....another huge negative.  I attempted to strive toward my dreams and goals and they have been  busted in a huge way.    As my dreams died, I have been shattered, depressed and just, well....not good.  In my melancholy moods, I became afraid to even dare to dream again.  The pain of losing those dreams and having them plucked from you (and sometimes in very hurtful and demoralizing ways) rendered me incapable of a lot.  I'm just drifting through my life aimlessly. No goals....no plans.  Just existing from day to day.

I've been struggling with this of late.  I recognize that there is a serious problem with having a lack of these intrinsically important things.  How does one take the step to dream again?  How does one even come up with dreams again?

Yesterday, I got hit with the news of a friend who is pregnant......it brought back all the emotions of my childless state. Yes, tears have fallen for me....even while I'm happy for my friend.   I just want to eat away my problems.  Todd had his follow up appointment after all the tests (which were in relation to the cancer scare and his digestive problems)....all came back clean....I just want to eat to celebrate.  Eating is all I have.  Yet eating adds to my desperation because I want to be thin.  I want to feel good about myself again.

Yet, I know that to truely feel good about myself, being thin is NOT enough. (I've been there once before and it didn't work...I felt good...but it wasn't enough....clearly as I gained the weight back).  I need to fix me from the inside out.  Now the question is how to do it?

I am holding steady.  Literally, steady.  My weight was exactly the same today as it was yesterday as it was on Monday.  I'm ok with that. I've eaten late dinners the last two nights and I've had two high intensity workouts on Tuesday and Wednesday evenings.  Historically I don't show a loss after a high intensity evening workout. (they say something about your muscles when they are worked hard retain fluid for a day or so).  So I'm not too worried.  I'm just plugging along with my eating.  Yes....it's Thursday and thus far I'm 100% on target with my eating and food intake. I'm also 50% of the way to reaching my goal of 4 exercises for this week.  :-)

The longer I go and stay on target, the easier it actually becomes.....it really does build momentum. 

Weekly weigh in

OH my word...I just feel so brain dead today!   It's a Monday and I'm feelin' it down to the tips of my toes!

I am however VERY tickled!   Last weeks goal was a repeat of the previous weeks attempt to eat on target for 6 of the 7 days.    Last night I looked at my day planner and realized that I reached 6 days...and I would most likely make it the 7 days (I did).  I admit to using a few weekly points (no more than 2 a day) 2 or 3 days of the week.  But that is still well within the plan!  So a total success.  I squeaked out the carry over goal of 3 days of exercise throughout the week.   Yeah, it was way too easy because zumba gives me two of them. 

Soooo goals for this week, another 7 great days of eating.  And I'm going to bump up the exercise....aiming for 4 times!

So how did I do?   I lost 6 pounds!

WINNER!

Special Thanks to my co-worker who picked the magic number (7) as the miracle winner of my give away.  (yeah yeah yeah...it's monday and way too much work to go to a random generator site do-hickey to get my winner....I still went random...just old school).   Sooo without further ado....I give to you our winner!  

http://thisnthatwithjc.blogspot.com/

Give Away!

I am still working at keeping my eating under control.  It is a struggle.  MY tendency is to let my self do what I want.  But I know that I need to manage what I'm eating.  I also know that if I do it properly, I will NOT feel denied and that I will lose weight. There is a happy medium there...and I'm striving for it.  Meanwhile, I just want to lose the weight and get back to the emotional and physical state that I was in when I originally lost the weight.  I'm not saying that losing the weight will be the magical pill that will make me happy. But I know that i was more at peace with myself when I was thinner.  I also know that my body operated much much more efficiently. I had more energy.  I had more spark.  I had more gumption.  As the weight crept back on, that all started to dissipate.

SOOOO, I had always heard SOOO many people talking about smoothies.   Everyone RAVED about smoothies.  I purchased a few while I was out and about, but never took the leap into making them.  Until this past spring.  I decided to get off my butt and learn how to make them.  I experimented and enjoyed greatly.  To me they are the perfect breakfast.  I make about 16 ounces.  it has a serving of milk and roughly two servings of fruit. I can grab it and go.  It's the perfect breakfast....one I eat a few times a week.

Free stuff?  Give away?  Keep reading!

About a week or two ago I was contacted by the blogspark and offered to do a review on the Yoplait Frozen Smoothies.  I jumped at the chance!  One day last week (Friday I believe) I got home and there was a nice sized box on the front porch waiting for me.  It was from MyBlogspark!!!!! I took it inside and tore it open! Inside I received two coupons to try the Yoplait Frozen Smoothies (provided by Yoplait) and a 3 speed Kitchen Aid blender (provided by the fine people at Kitchen Aid).  I was jumping up and down with joy as I love love love kitchen gadgets (and Kitchen aid products are a favorite of mine) and of course as a food addict, I love food.  Two wonderful fun things all rolled into one!  Something that would even  help me in my quest to eat a healthy diet (I strive for at least 5 fruits and veggies a day smoothies have fruit!).     FINALLY yesterday I was able to hit up a grocery store to pick up my Yoplait frozen Smoothies. I was tickled to see that they contained no High Fructose Corn Syrup which I try to limit in my house (due to digestive problems with my husband).  Any product that refrains from using this ingredient as one of their top ingredients has a leg up with me.   This morning I pulled them out of the freezer and got down to business.

I laid my yummy and fun things out on the table.  You can see a cat decided to check them out. Mertz approved of course.

Then I got down to the business of making my smoothie. I chose the triple berry for my first attempt as I am a berry fanatic. It was actually very easy to make.  All that was involved was literally opening the bag (needed scissors/knife for that process) and dumping the contents of the bag into the blender. (and adding a glass of milk which I'll get to later)

I looked in and could see the real pieces of frozen fruit mixed in with the chunks of frozen yogurt. I added the required 1 cup of milk and then  I hit the switch on my new blender and whirled those yummy looking pieces of fruit into a delicious looking smoothie.

I couldn't resist.  I reached in with a spoon and took a taste... Delicious!  Creamy!  Fruity!  Bliss! I pulled out a glass and filled up the glass.  (I made mine with the minimum milk...so I ended up using a spoon to eat it.  The instructions stated that I could add more milk if I desired a less 'stiff' consistency)  I was ready to sit back and enjoy!

It was so very tasty!  I could taste bits the strawberries, blueberries and raspberries on my palette as I consumed my smoothie.  Every once in a while I would get a little taste of the yogurt that hadn't completely blended smooth (OK, so I may have been in a hurry to taste it and rushed the blending process).  But I LOVED the little bits of yogurt!  VERY yummy!

My only fault with the product.  The bag serves two....two 8 ounce glasses of smoothie.  I...uhhhh I'm a food addict...I usually make a 16 ounce glass of smoothie. So one bag served ONE in my case.  Not a big deal as this is a total convenience food purchase....the work is done.  No cleaning of fruit.  No cutting up fruit (banana if you get the strawberry banana smoothie pack).  Just pour out the bag.  So well worth the price to pay for that convenience....even if I did use the whole bag on just me.  And the upside of doing that.  Well, the bag claims that one serving provides one serving of fruit....guess I just got two servings!

Taking the nutrition information off the back of the package...and for a prepared smoothie...it is as follows:
calories -110
fat- 1.5
fiber 2 g
protein 1 g

(OK if you want the rest of the nutrition facts....you can go to their website)

I would give this product a thumbs up.  I honestly will probably continue making my normal smoothies with fresh fruit (because I do have and take the time).  But I will be keeping a bag or two of the yoplait smoothies in my freezer for a quick fix (for when I may be out of fresh fruit). 

If you are interested in this product,  you can follow this link and get a wonderful coupon for this product and you too can try it out!

I am offering a give away for a prize package similar...provided by Yoplait and Kitchen Aid via Blogspark.  To get a chance to win, all you need to do is make a comment telling me what you love about smoothies.  If you've never tried a smoothie...just let me know and that will count also.  :-)  You have until Midnight on October 31 to make your comments!  Meanwhile, I'm going to enjoy my make some smoothies and get some more servings of fruit into my diet!

I made it through yesterday's eating relatively unscathed.  I admit to using some weekly points (4.5 of them) but in the grand scheme of things I'm ok with that.  I plan on the rest of the week being spot on.  :-)  So I'm calling it a success, because for being on a vacation day....it could have been a WHOLE LOT WORSE. (and has been in the past)

I don't like to use many of my weekly points.  I've noticed that when I do...I tend to not lose.  So I want to try to stay away from them most days.  When I was losing steadily before, I would use some weekly points the day of my weigh in...and then no more until the next weigh in day.  So That would work because yesterday was my weigh in day. 

I finally broke down and bought a few clothes items.  (goodwill baby...all the way).  I was operating on two pairs of dress pants for work.  That doesn't take you far during a 5 or 6 (every other week) work week.  So I bought two pairs of pants and one skirt.  (10 bucks total....and one of the items still had the tags from the store on it).  I figured I need to feel better about myself in the clothes that i'm wearing.  I'm still bored with my tops....but I at least have some more options with those. (especially as winter rolls toward us...because I have lots of sweaters...I never got rid of my sweater when I lost the weigh...because sweaters can be bulky so I kept them!)  So one step toward bringing myself back.

I'm ready.  I want to feel good about myself.  I want to be thin again!!!!!

The Challenge

Not a collosal failure last week.  I tracked every bite that went into my mouth.  EVERY bite.  The first four days I was EXCELLENT.   The last three days...well, I tried.  I tried to chose healthier options and make healthier wiser choices.  We ate out...A LOT.  I also had birthday cake to contend with.  Yes, I had two pieces (german chocolate cake is what he asked for).   We went to a hockey game....I had  a pretzel at the arena....NO, I had a HALF of pretzel.  The hockey game. (minor league) was in Hershey, PA.....so I had chocolate (is it possible to go to hershey and NOT have chocolate???)

SOOO my results.  For the week.....I ONLY went over my total points (daily AND 35 weekly included) by 2 points.  So that isn't TOO bad.  It could have (and in the past) would have been a lot worse. I'm not calling it a success though.   So I'm redoing this challenge!

On the flip side...if I wouldn't have been doing this challenge....I KNOW that I would have done a WHOLE lot more damage.....I didn't gain any weight this past week...and actually dropped a slight bit on the scale...so in that regard it was a success!

cheating

Day three in the books....two smiley stickers afixed to day planner.  One for an hour of zumba last night...and one of course for my superior eating skills that I displayed yesterday.   Onwards and upwards...working on day four.  (days 5, 6 and 7 will be difficult as I'll be off work on some vacation days with my husband as we celebrate his birthday...but I'm going to perservere!)

Cheating........yes I'm a closet eater.  I admit it.  When I'm home alone, I tend to lose control and eat.  Because if no one is there....well...you get the point.  I think part of my problems stem from the fact that when I'm on my own for dinner, I tend to 'nibble' or snack.  I don't have a set dinner.  So I'm not mentally feeling like I'm getting a real meal.   I do better when I have something like a grilled cheese and tomato soup.  Fat free turkey dogs...another.  I feel like I'm getting a meal.    Weird I know.  (and yes....sodium city...but that's not the issue for this blog).    So yes, I know that problem and I can do stuff  to combat it.   But actual cheating.....I don't believe in that word.  I don't taboo anything.  If i want pizza...I eat pizza...if I want something high caloric or high fat...I eat it.   Historically speaking, I would try to eat the high foods after a full day of manual labor in the yard....or after a super charged workout.  OR for my 'splurge' meal.  By doing so...I never really had foods that I considered a cheat.  I allowed it.  I just worked it into my eating schedule and budget.  So no cheating.  EVERYTHING is allowed.  Moderation.....and budgeting is the key.  Ohhh yeah, and actually REALLY knowing if it's something you want.    I don't waste that 'splurge' budget on something that I REALLy don't want. 

Rollin' on!

Two days down and marked as a total success as I work on my weekly goal.  Day three is lookin' really good also!   Breaking it down into a week at a time really does work.  A day is too short. (there is always tomorrow) and a month is too long.  A week is just perfect.  You can do anything for a week.   Thus far it's working for me! 

Zumba last night...zumba tonight.  Getting in the exercise also.  And yes, I would like to reach last weeks goal of 3 time of exercise also for this week.  That's not my goal...but I would like to match it.  Basically build upon last weeks with this weeks goal. 

I've talked about feeling like a failure before.   Numerous times. But it's so apropos right now.  I have felt like a failure in many arenas of my life in the last 10 years or so.  It sometimes feels as if I've failed at everything I've attempted.  I even failed at keeping the weight off.  It makes a little part of me not want to try.  To curl up in a corner, cry and just give up. I'm not going to...I'm not a quitter.  I'm going to win at weight loss...even if it is the only thing in my life that is not a colossal failure.

Attitudes

I did it.  Even with my breakfast of red velvet cake, I was able to watch my food intake the rest of the day and manage to chose my food wisely and to stay on track and within my points.  After dinner, I went to my computer and opened up my day planner and put in my sticker for eating on track for the day.  A little later I wanted something to eat. Notice I said wanted.  I didn't NEED anything....I just wanted.  But every time the thought popped into my head, I looked down at my open day planner and at that little green smiley face and I knew I didn't want to have to peel that darn sticker off of the page...so I resisted the temptation. 

I have already laid out my eating for today.....it's actually already been entered into Etools (yes, when they changed the time on my WW meeting...with no other option available for me to attend due to my work schedule...and I had to quit WW...I did keep Etools.....the app for the iPhone alone makes it way too handy!)  So my food is already lined up today...with 2.5 points to spare...as a cushion so to speak. So I'll be able to have a Popsicle or something tonight. WEEEEE

I've been thinking a lot about weight and how it alters not only our perceptions of ourselves but also how we live our lives.  When I was thinner, I felt good about myself.  And I dressed in such a way that showed that I felt good about myself.  I dressed in a nicer, less sloppy manner.  Not just in my clothes choices...because i can argue that the gained weight has affected my choice of clothes (I refuse to buy lots of clothes at this size) but everything.  When I had lost the weight and was at my lowest....I wore high heeled shoes....I looked for 'slick' or 'sexy' looking shoes.  And I wore them.  I took pride in myself.  I painted my nails more often.  I just cared more.  And looking back, as I started to gain....that pride started to slip.  I started wearing sloppier clothes (partly because I gained weight and that severely limited my clothes choices) I stopped wearing my cool shoes (OK, so cool shoes just don't look right with sloppy attire).  The nails were not painted.  I just slowly stopped caring.  And as I stopped caring....I felt worse and worse about myself.  They go hand in hand.  You feel fat and you don't want to take the time....which is depressing in itself.  But then because you don't want to take the time....because of lack of pride or whatever you wish to call it.....you stop caring....which only drives you further into that depression.  It really is a vicious cycle. 

What sparked that thought.  I was out this past weekend and for some unknown reason perused down the boot aisle and found a pair of really cool looking boots.  (Todd said that they looked 'slick').  I bought them.....which meant that yesterday I had to actually dress not so sloppy.  I wore black dress pants, a purple button down suede top and I topped that with a black dress jacket....and of course my black boots.  I actually wore my hair down...instead of the comfy braid that I normally wear (OK, not sure if I can give up the braid too often...lol).  But I felt different.  More confident.  My attitude about myself changed.  Yes, I was still disgusted about my weight....but my attitude was different about myself. 

I am not going to avow to dress that way everyday at this current time.  One, I am scraping the bottom of the barrel in clothes that I can comfortably wear.....and TWO...I only have a few pairs of slacks that I CAN wear to work under the dress code....and some are more casual.  But I am going to try to dress nicely at least once or twice a week.  And of course as I lose weight and can fit back into my whole wardrobe that I had picked up while at my lower weight (regular shopping, goodwill shopping AND my manager at work has a daughter that loves to shop....and frequently gives away clothes......TONS of clothes!) I'll be able to dress more nicely on a much more regular basis.    One step at a time.

A new week

I reached my goal last week....I exercised three times.  A total of 4.5 hours. (Tuesday Zumba for one hour......Wednesday zumba for 2 hours....and Sunday walk on the canal for one and a half hours.  So I can say that my goals for this past week were met!

One week at a time.....only focusing on one week.  The focus on this week will be keeping my eating on target ALL week.  (ok, my goal is actually for 6 days...but I'm secretly aiming for 7 days).  And that's all I'm worried about...eating right all week.  (ok, so there was an incident with a piece of red velvet cake this morning...but not to worry...the rest of the cake went into the garbage can immediately after I realized that I scarfed down a piece of cake for breakfast...but you know what...I'll just have to be a bit more careful the rest of the day.  The day is not shot!  I can still pull this one off).   One week.  I can do one week!

Ohhh should I say that the one week will encompass my husbands birthday?   It will encompass some time off of work in which we will be out and about.  Birthday cake???   I can do it!   I sit back and think about making it through that landmine and I get sad.  I feel like I'll be denying myself and it will be sad and just miserable.  But looking back....it isn't miserable.  When I'm in control...I'm actually happier with myself.  There is a sense of pride a sense of empowerment.   I want that.  And next monday...I'm going to have it!  I can do it!

I'm appalled once again at our society and what is acceptable.  Last night we went to pizza hut.  Todd and I ordered the dinner for two.  If you haven't been to pizza hut for a while let me tell you about the dinner for two.  It used to be a medium pizza, two salads and two drinks.  Pretty darn good deal.  Then they added breadsticks.....and just last night we found out that they also added a dessert to it.  For twenty bucks you get two drinks, a medium pizza, an order of breadsticks, two salads and an order of dessert sticks.  HELLO......can we say that's WAY TOO MUCH FOOD FOR TWO PEOPLE.  I'm ashamed to admit.....I ate a lot of food.  I ate to the point of being sick to my stomach.  And I've vowed taht the next time we go to pizza hut (we don't go often...maybe once or twice a year) we will NOT be getting the dinner for two.  We will get the pizza and maybe the salads and of course the drinks.  I don't care that we may end up paying the same amount or even more money to get less food.  I will NOT have that much food brought to the table for TWO PEOPLE!  Appalling!  (now on the flip side......it would have been perfect for 4 people!)  And we wonder why obesity is on the rise?????

Just Do it!

Just do it!   I'm at the point where I'm tired of saying I'm going to do it.  I"m tired of talking about doing it. I'm tired of being depressed because I'm NOT doing it.  It's time to JUST DO IT!  Stop sitting on my butt and whining.  Get up and DO IT.  It really is as simple as the slogan.....Just do it!  There is nothing stopping me.  There are no road blocks.  It really is just ME doing it! 

Workin' it.  I knew that yesterday would be difficult. Not making excuses because there is only one person to blame for me eating the food that I ate.  And that person is me.  It boils down the the fact that if I want to lose weight, I need to learn to say  no.   Even if it's just saying no to myself.  Just Say NO!  (I"m just full of slogans today)

My goal was to exercise three times this week (pretty easy goal).  I've gotten 2 in....so sometime between now and Sunday night, I need to get a third in. 

My goal for next week........Continue with the 3 exercises.  But i want to have a week where I am on target with my eating 6 days of the week.  I'm human.  I understand that.  I also understand that if I deny myself, that I will be miserable and end up binging.  So I'm going to stick with the 'one MEAL' splurge a week.  ONE ONE ONE!   That way I can have those comfort foods that I so super high in fat and calories. But I can still manage.

Why Yes!

I knew that today would be rough.  Todd has been on a liquid diet since Tuesday and then had to do the prep work for a colonoscopy.....so I knew that when the test was done today that he would want to go out to eat somewhere.  I planned accordingly and ate a lighter breakfast.  We finally were able to eat lunc at 3:30.  I was hungry...and ordered a nice meal.  When Todd asked if I wanted to order a bottomless basket of chips and salsa....what else did I answer other than "Why Yes!"   I think I may have even clapped my hands with glee.  We ate lunch and went home.  After being at home for a few hours Todd was like "Ice cream at Nutters?" (nutters is our local ice creamery)   But of course there is no guess work in how I answered. "Why yes!"  I cried out with childish delight as I ran to put on my shoes.  

I seemingly had no control.  I can say that thank heavens, I did have fat free yogurt as my choice at the ice cream shop.  I haven't figured out the damage from lunch...but I'll take my knock and move on!

Last night, I made it to the 5:30 zumba session for my make up from the previous week.  After that hour of activity, I stayed for the 6:45 sessions of zumba.  So I worked out for 2 hours.  YIPPEE.  Mind over matter.  Yes, my legs were feeling heavy toward the end of the 2 hours.  But I put my mind to it and completed it with the same vigorous movements that I had started my zumba stint with!

I can do this!

Self-hatred

I've pulled up blogger for the last few days.  And the empty screen sits and stares at me. I write nothing and at the end of the day I 'X" out of it...not a word written.

How do you say I've failed miserably.  How does one say that I have allowed myself to slide back further than I ever thought possible.  How does one say that this addiction that I struggle with has gripped me and made me forget everything that I have worked for. 

I have never totally stopped trying or caring.  But caring for 3 days or 4 days or even five days out of the week doesn't cut it.  Caring from the time i wake up until 6PM..only to follow up with an evening of food extragavanza doesn't cut it.  I have been the same weight for roughly the last 6 months or so.  I lose 4-5 pounds...then gain 4-5 pounds.  I'm on a teeter-totter.....and I HATE it.  I look at myself and feel hatred for allowing myself to regain 50 pounds.  Yes, 50 pounds.  I want to cry.  I want to wail.  I want to gnash my teeth.  I want to scream.  I'm in utter anguish.  Yet I try and try and try again and again....just to fail.  The lure of food.  My addiction in a nutshell. 

I know that it's possible to pull myself out of this.  To lose the weight again.  And I also know that it's possible to keep the weight off.  I need to dig deep within myself.  Focus on myself.  Do this for all the right reasons.   And this time, when I say I will never again be in the two hundreds...I will actually take care to make sure that never happens.  I will NOT have a repeat of this.  It is debilitating.....and I know that physical issues aside...I NEVER want to feel the emotional stress of this again!

So what is my plan?    I'm taking it one day at a time.  Focusing on eating right for ONE day.  Not looking at the big picture of how much I have to lose.  Focusing on doing the right thing simply for that one day.  Tomorrow is a new day...and I'll worry about eating right when that day comes.  I'm going to focus on my old system.....a sticker a day in my calender for each day on target....an extra sticker for each day of exercise.  And a sticker at the end of the week for my weekly challenge met.  I did this about 3-4 years ago and it was encouraging to see the rows of stickers indicating daily success.  It was also sobering and eye opening to see a few days go by with no stickers.  

This week is admittedly rough....todd is having all sorts of tests that require fasting....liquid diets...whatnot.  So whenever he has a window where he can eat....we go....and of course I eat with him!  Not good. 

I'm still doing Zumba twice a week.  I may actually go for broke tonight (I missed a session last week) and do a make up session before my normal session...so 2 hours of zumba.  I can do it!  I did 4 hours (or more) back in July....OUTSIDE under the sun and in the heat!  I need to do something else though...2 days of workouts is NOT enough each week.  I need to push it up a notch.  

My weekly goal for this week...exercise THREE times.  And no...as much as I want to cheat and count my double workout tonight as two times...NOPE...counting it as ONE.

Where I'm at

I'm not in a good place.  I am disgusted with myself.  I'm saddened by the fact that I did something that I swore I would never do (regain the weight).  I'm mad at my body for the signs and symptoms that the added weight have returned to me.  I'm angry at the addiction that seems to take over.   But in the same breath, I feel anger at myself for not being able to control my addiction.

I think what makes it worse is that I've felt the taste of thinness.  I've felt what it feels like to live without weight related aches and pains.  I've tasted the the sweetness and I want it back!!!!!

My eating has actually been within my points range both on Monday and Tuesday.  Admittedly, Monday while it had lots of fruits and veggies was a little heavy on carbs.  Tuesday, I got in an hour of tennis and an hour of zumba.....but I had a really late dinner (9PM).  But I was within my points allotment for the day. So taht's good.   I'm trying!  I hope that I can see some progress on the scales SOON!

Wow....it's been just about two weeks....lots to talk about

Wow, has it ever been a long time since I last wrote.  What a whirlwind.   On September 2, 2010 at 6PM, my vacation officially began.  I relaxed that evening, but the next morning started the mad pace of activity.  I had set a goal to at least maintain my weight on my vacation. I knew it was going to be difficult.  But I was hoping!   I just looked back...the monday before my vacation started I was at 229.0.  So that was my starting point.

Friday, the first day of vacation dawned bright.  Todd and I headed out early and hit up Lowes to buy supplies for our home improvement projects and then quickly headed back to the house to begin.  The projects?   Replace the front door (and when we replaced the front door....we actually cut away and reframed the doorway so that we could put in a standard sized door....more work, but better), replace the soft subfloor in the kitchen and entryway, put in new linoleum in the laundry room and lay the wood flooring in the entryway and kitchen.  So some pretty big projects. We worked ALL day on Friday.  So much so that I ended up getting a sub from the local shop (the only one in Sharpsburg) and then for dinner I went back to the same place and picked up more food (chicken tenders for me).  Saturday, we cancelled our plans to go to the Rennasaince festival in order to get the front door more secure and to finish the sub floor.  Breakfast...at home.  Lunch (sheetz sandwiches that I picked up while out running an errend).  Dinner Chinese food.  So the first few days of vacation were not to stellar on eating.  The only saving grace?   I was up and moving from literally sun up to sun down.

Sunday rolled around and we pulled out of the house bright and early and headed South.  Our first stop?  Staunton, VA....and to be more specific, The Frontier Culture Museum.  We were there for a few hours, walking and seeing everything that they had to offer.





We left the Frontier Culture Museum and went to eat at the restaurant "Country Cookin'  I ordered the 'sides  bar' and did pretty well with a salad and lots of veggies.  I did indulge in desserts there. (I had said I would indulge in desserts two times on my vacation, Country Cookin' was one of them).  We left the restaraunt and walked through the mall and then headed into the historic area of Staunton.  We walked all around Staunton for a few hours and then finally hit up the hotel.  We ate dinner (Mill Tavern Restaurant...where I had a vegetable pasta dish...but we split a cheese spinach dip appetizer) and then went back to the hotel where I worked out in the fitness center for 40 minutes and then went swimming for 40 minutes.  Drinks (2 for me) in the bar and we called it a night....exhausted from all the walking.

Monday dawned and we headed out.  Breakfast at a little dinner in Staunton (chocolate chip pancakes for me) and then off to Charlottesville, VA.  Our first stop was Monticello (Thomas Jefferson's home).   We were there from around 9Am until about 3:30. 



The plan was to leave Monticello and hit up the Mitchie Tavern for a late lunch and then tour the old tavern.  Sadly enough, we got to the tavern at exactly 3:30...they close the restaraunt at 3:30.   So we simply toured the tavern.


After the tour we decided that we were not dying of hunger so we decided to hit up Ash Lawn Highland (Monroes Home).

On the way home, we couldn't (ok...Todd couldn't) resist hitting up an winery....Jefferson Orchards.


We ended up eating at Chili's on the way home.  We split the chips and salsa as an appetizer and I got a BBQ chicken meal.

Tuesday.....right back at it with laying the flooring.  Lunch was at home....I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and some pasta salad that I had made early in the morning.  Dinner....veggies and rice.  I did make it to Zumba that evening!

Wednesday was a day of errands in town.....I weighed myself in the morning and found that I was at 235 pounds.  YIKES. not good...I was so active with all that walking...I was shocked and worried.  Lunch....A veggie burrito at Southwestern Moe's.....dinner....can't remember.  We played an hour of tennis in the afternoon...and I went to zumba.

Thursday, I did groceries in the morning... and in the afternoon we unloaded the van, reorganized our sound equipment and reloaded the van.....lunch was at Quizno's (pesto turkey torpedo) and dinner was a sub from battleview.

Friday....off again.  We headed to Lancaster County, PA.  We did all the normal things like headed to Wilburs for a piece of chocolate (we ate in Lititz beside Wilburs ...i had a turkey croissant sandwich and a cup of soup), and Intercourse for the canning company and the kettle kitchen.  We took a buggy ride and then headed to The Green Dragon.  After the Green Dragon, we checked into our hotel and relaxed before heading out to dinner at Stoudts (a restaraunt/brewery)  I had a salad, stuffed chicken (all marinated in the octoberfest beer) mashed potatoes and steamed veggies.   We took a drive and ended up visiting a small towns festival where we stayed to hear a bit of live music before heading back to the hotel.


Saturday we were up and running. After breakfast at a local diner (chipped beef gravy and home fries) Our first stop was the Ephrata Cloisters.  We walked and toured that for a few hours...then headed to Bird-in-hand where we went to the farmers market there.   We had a little time to kill so we headed to Strasburg and enjoyed the steam engine a bit before heading to the American Music Theater to see the house band's current show.  We ate Dinner at Jakey's BBQ...where I had BBQ'd chicken, some chicken corn soup, macaroni salad and corn fritters.  I had said that I WOULD have a piece of shoofly pie as my second dessert...so I also had some pie.   We drove home and that day was over.







Sunday started at 5AM.  We were running sound for a fundraiser for the fallen heros organization.  It was a long day.  Unloading the van, setting up gear....running the sound...tearing down.  But for a good cause.  :-)

Monday...back to work......boooo   But I weighed myself yesterday morning  229.4.  So for two weeks...of which 10 days I was on vacation, I only gained .4....I conside that a victory.   I know that my weight will flucuate greatly the next few days as I get myself back onto a good routine....drinking my water and eating right.   I didn't exercise yesterday.  But this morning I have already played tennis for an hour....and tonight is my zumba night.  WOO HOOO!

Peace

The potomac, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I have not given up. I"m still trying to eat healthy. It's difficult sometimes. I'm also making a real effort to get exercise back into my daily routine. I went walking on monday, on Wednesday I rode the exercise bike and this morning I drug myself (and my husband) out of bed for trip to the tennis courts.

But mostly, of late, I'm trying to find peace within myself. Peace with everything that's going on.....most of which I have little or no control over. Peace.......HIGHLY UNDERRATED!

I haven't given up.  Although my actions of the last few days would indicate thus.  Today, my weight is at 229.0 pounds.  I'm back on track hot and heavy......I'm worried, because it is easier for me to keep things under control with the daily routine of work.   And starting Thursday at 6PM, my vacation starts.  It is so tempting and so easy to eat out for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Some days I'll almost have to as we travel and are out and about.  So I'm quite nervous.  But I'm going to do it! 

Exercise.....well, I did start my training...and then I forgot all about it.  Oh I kept saying I had grand plans to go out and jog...or go out and do something.  But grand plans only get you so far.....implementation is much more important.  (well, you can't implement something if you don't have grand plans.....so how about I say implementation is the thing that makes or breaks the grand plan).

The stress that I'm under is getting pretty bad.  When I was teaching, my throat would tighten up....and I would have difficulty swallowing and not so much breathing, but it was uncomfortable.  That was all stress induced.  I'm struggling with the same thing now.  When the situation that is causing the stress rears it's ugly head, my throat closes up.   I try to force myself to relax and to mentally reopen that throat...but that's sometimes easier said than done when the stress keeps smackin' you in the face.   In all honesty, I'm freaked out.  I know how close to the edge I was when I was teaching and my throat did that......  The only thing I wish would happen?  When it got to that point, I was eating pretty much anything and everything, but the weight dropped off of my body.  Literally a pound or two a day.......that would be nice.  LOL   But no, not healthy...and no, as much as I'd like to lose the weight quickly....that's NOT how I need to be doing it!

Talking to some of my zumba girls last night after our class and I mentioned that me legs felt heavy.  Just heavy.  I didn't have the umphf last night.  Nothing hurt...but I just felt weighted down.  Well, this morning....yeah, I hurt.  Not sure why.  We did do a whole bunch of different songs, so I could have been using my muscles slightly differently than normal.  But I think it goes back to the beginnings of  my training.  My knees are sore and my shins are sore.  Is it going to stop me?   Heck no!   I had already decided to not go to zumba tonight.  When I decided to do two nights of Zumba a week, I had made the commitment to do every Tuesday night....and Wednesdays when I could....depending on my husbands schedule.  Up until now, it's not been bad.  Yeah, he may be off on Tuesday and Wednesday nights...but as long as he had off another night close by...well, I've not worried about it.  So this week....well, I haven't had an evening (or day for that matter) with my husband since a week ago this past Monday....and the upcoming schedule isn't looking much better.  Literally I'm usually asleep when he gets home...and he's asleep when I wake up.  If we are awake at the same time....one of us is groggy and ready to fall asleep or having just awoken.  Soooo I'm skipping zumba tonight.

I'm starting to worry about something....my mental capacity.  I don't think I'm as sharp as I used to be.  I don't know if it's becuase I'm working a job that really doesn't require me to use much brain power or if I'm simply getting old or if there is some defieciency in my diet or life that is causing me to feel sluggish mentally.  Whatever it is...I'm kinda worried about it. 

My weight....227 and some change this morning.  So slighly better than Monday.  That's what I like to see...progress.  

The plan of attack

I made it to the gym last night...I had some errends in town while I was there, so my workout got cut short, but it was all good.  I have my current pace for a mile.  14 minutes for a mile.  So conceivably, I would run a 5K in 45 minutes.   I say conceivably...becuase addmittedly, I get tired so I start to slow down and I start to walk more. 

Sooooo my plan of attack:

1.  Work on endurance...I have to be able to be consistent with my 3 miles....being able to do my 14 minute mile consistently for the whole 3.1 miles.

2.  Push myself to run more and walk less. (my first mile I did really good last night...ran four walked one...but that started dropping as the time progressed)

3.  Speed it up.  last night I did my walk at 3.5...and my run (jog) at 5.    As they said in the episode of I Love Lucy while she was in the chocolate factory "Speed 'er up!"

4.  When I'm on a treadmill, try to increase my inline. (I did some of my run on a slight incline...it really did make a difference).  I've read that when on a treadmill, that doing a slight incline helps make a treadmill run more like a road run.

Sooo there is my plan.  I have my base test results.....now to improve.

Tonight is Zumba!  YIPPEE!  

My eating...under control yesterday.  I did have a treat of ice cream last night, but well within my budget of food points!

Not as bad

It wasn't all that good....but it was better than I expected.   What am I talking about????  Why the scales this morning!  228.0

Yes, that's up......but let me review my week.  And before I continue, let me say that I'm NOT making excuses.  I am the one responsible for what I ate and how much I shovelled into my mouth. Me and me alone is responsible for losing that very fine layer of self control that I had exhibited in the preceding weeks. 

I've alluded to some pretty massive stress happening in my life....it was bad at the beginning of last week....and it just grew and turned into one ball of worry and frustration over the weekend.  I worked at trying to keep it under control.  I really did.  I had all sorts of activities and projects planned for myself.  I painted the bathroom, I moved all the furniture in the bedroom, I cleaned the rest of the house, I went out on a little photo shoot, I read a book, I slept in, I pondered what pictures to print up for my newly painted bathroom...then got them printed...then matted and framed them and of course then hung them on the wall.  I blew through most of my list on Saturday....and I didn't eat all that much on Saturday.  But then my day of relaxing came...Sunday, i did laundry and loafed around the house.....and practically ate the cupboards bare.  I didn't even touch the fresh fruit that I had picked up on Saturday.  I ate bread, bread and more bread.  I ate ice cream, pasta, twizzlers, marshmallows.  And I drank literally less than 16 ounces of water.....or any liquid for that matter.   So my weekend was just not conducive to a good number on the scale.

But I'll be honest.....my week preceding the weekend wasn't either.  I ate out with family, I ate at home, I ate on the run, I didn't get to eat at normal times so I ate at weird hours...when I was REALLY hungry (thus tending to overeat)......I ate from stress......I just didn't do all that well.

Soooo, this morning I was expecting to be up in the 230's...easy when I stepped onto the scales.  I was very happy to see 228.   Yes, that's still about 2 pounds...but it could have been worse.   I'll take my gain...declare 228.0 my weight and move on!

I have my workout clothes here at work, so I can change into them and head up to the gym immediately.  I know me, if I go home first...I won't leave!  So I'm heading STRAIGHT for the gym.  I plan on hopping on the treadmill and pushing myself with a jog/walk combo.  Gotta get ready for my turkey trot on Thanksgiving day.......and yippee......I have a friend that is also training and aiming to run it with me.  (Hi Sherry!)  So I'm motivated to run this thing....and I'm motivated by having a partner.  A win win in my book.

Three months and two days until Thanksgiving (yikes, I need to start working on Christmas gifts for my nieces and nephew as we will exchange Christmas gifts that week since we won't see them over Christmas).  Three months.....10 pounds a month.....which is 2.25 pounds a week..........pretty stiff goal. But if I'm running at least three times a week....and zumba at least two times a week...that's a good amount of exercise!  Plus I want to get some time in on the bike....I have bike rides coming up next year...I can't allow my biking legs (muscles) to get totally out of whack!   At the worst, I'm aiming for 20 pounds.  But 30 pounds would get me past that 200 pound mark.  Ohhh I can almost taste the wonderful feeling of being in onederland again!

I do have some challenges coming up in my new and improved plan.  Number one, I no longer have the motivation of weight watchers meetings...I will still be following that plan...but they changed the meeting times on me and I can't attend each week....and honestly, paying $40 a month to go to 1-2 meetings.  Not worth it.  Number two.....in a week and a half (or something close to that) I'll be on vacation.  Todd and I are planning to spend most of it at home, working around the house and yard.  If our itinerary remains what it is right now, I'll still be able to make it to my zumba both Tuesday and Wednesday evenings.   Toward the beginning of our vacation time, we will be going to Staunton, VA....toward the end of our vacation, we'll be heading to Lancaster....just short hops both times. BUT,  both hotels we are staying in DO have a fitness centers and pools (one indoor, one outdoor).   So I have no excuse to NOT exercise.  Plus, both are located in REALLY scenic areas that if I wanted to, I could conceivable go outside for a jog.    So if I can stay motivated with my exercise, it will simply be a thing of managing my eating.  YIKES....that's difficult.  (both of those mini trips, will have a fair amount of walking in them at least).   But you know what.......that is just ONE week (OK, 10 days) out of the next three months.....even if I fail that week (not planning on it), I have many more weeks to hold it together and succeed!

There is no excuse for my weight. It's up. No excuse whatsoever. I will say that for the last few days I've let my super crazy days and the stress of what is happening in my life along with the shock and stress of the doctors issue really get to me...and I've eaten. I haven't gone hog wild...but I've not eaten my fruits and veggies. I've eaten much more carbs and bad stuff than I should have been eating. I'm just not playing the game. That changes. I am going to do my best today...today is another crazy day...one in which I don't have much say in what foods are set in front of me to eat. I do however have control of how much of those said foods I eat. (I left the house early this morning....and I won't be home until late tonight). I do vow to do the best I can. However, tomorrow marks a time when some of the craziness should be over....tonight is the last hurrah (my brother leaves tomorrow...boo hooo, but that means that I won't be working mad hours and then running up to spend every other waking minute with them....eating in my car on the way from one place to another...etc etc etc). I'm determined to eat healthy ...super healthy. Back to an overabundance of fruits and veggies. Good stuff only!

Shock

Life...Stop already. I'm done!

I'm tired of the stress, the worries that have been weighing me down. Then yesterday we recieve a letter from the Cancer Center at our local hospital. It was addressed to my husband and asked him to fill out a form about his health for the tumor registry. What? Ohh they must have made a mistake and gotten his information from the 'family of cancer patients' file. We've received stuff from them after his mother passed away from cancer...so I figured they got their wires crossed somewhere. But we thought we would call to let them know of this collosal error. I mean, you don't send out letters to survivors of cancer to people that have never had cancer. So we called.....and the lady that answered the phone was very nice....but she quickly set us straight and rattled off the date and test that todd had (one of many...but apparently THE ONE) of a test where they found and removed small cancerous rumor. A carcinoid to be exact..... We knew they saw some polyps...and that they would call us if anything was wrong...but we never got a call...we never heard the "C" word. YIKES! So since everything was fine with that test...and with a battery of other tests that he went through, we stopped going to the doctor. We always wondered why the doctor was concerned....but he was so vague...that's all he would say "I'm very concerned". But all the tests were clean...so we never understood! So fast forward 4 almost 5 years down the road...and we find out that indeed they removed a cancerous tumor. The GOOD news..and yes, indeed there is good news. To treat a carcinoid, the doctor removes the carcinoid and that is the end of the treatment....so if indeed it was removed, all should be ok. The bad news........follow up visits and tests to monitor were/are required and highly recommended. We had none of that. So waht has happened in the last 5 years? Yes, we are finding a NEW doctor. And yes, we will be going to the doctor ASAP. Sooo not cool.

To top it off......our phone and internet was out today...so I called to work to let them know that i was waiting for the repair man and thus had to take time. I got read the riot act for needing to take a personal day. Hello....this is not time I've had to take time for some emergency...and I'm laid low for it. This is getting old! they did get here and fix our cable (internet and phone) and I actually made it to work ontime...but if I didn't know that I'll probably be needing time off to take todd to doctors and tests (some of those tests I know he won't be allowed to drive afterward) I would have stayed home the rest of the day....but I'll make wise use of my benefit time that's left.

Forgot to weigh myself in the hustle and bustle of life this morning.....blech

Fear and a lesson learned

I've learned a valuable lesson. My normal eating habits are to eat light for breakfast....mostly fruits and veggies for lunch and then a normal meal. I'm satisfied (fruits and veggies are low cal/points...but I eat a lot of them) and I feel like I still get to eat normally. It works for me. When I started Zumba, I would pack a pb&j sandwich or some snack to eat on the way up the road to the class. Last week I didn't. Midway through the class...BOTH days, My stomach started to hurt. I pushed the discomfort aside and just pushed through. Both days, I drove home and my met my husband there.....he had already finished preparing dinner and it was on the table waiting for me. I remember one night I actually wondered how I was going to eat, as my stomach was bothering me. But I ate...and miraculously, the stomach ache went away. Could it be?? NOOOOO. So last night, at zumba...the same thing happened. I faced the music.....I don't want to say I was starving myself (no possible since I HAD eaten lunch)....but my body needed something more before a good workout. I pushed through the workout.....noticing that on songs that I really like, where I get lost in the choreography and moves, my stomach didn't hurt...but that on songs that I'm not overly fond of...my mind wandered and my stomach hurt. I had to run to Target after work...I ran in and I was hit with the smell of popcorn! I quickly did my business....my stomach just in knots with discomfort. I decided to take a chance. (thinking that it really was hunger.....and not a 'real' bellyache). On the way out of the store, I stoppped into the snack bar area. I grabbed a turkey and cheese sandwich and yes, the popcorn also. No, I dind't have the points for both of them (one...not both). But I dind't care. I ate some popcorn on the way to the car. The first couple bites caused my stomach to hurt worse....but soon, blessed relief. I ate the popcorn and the sandwich on the way home. Sooooo, the lesson of the day......eat something right before Zumba. And no.....I've NEVER been able to tell when I'm 'hungry'. My body has never received those signals taht say I'm hungry or satisfied. I bypass those stages and go right to 'pain'. And that's with feeling hungry and feeling full!

Fear.....fear holds me back in so many ways within my life. I'm often afraid to try new things becuase of fear. I hesitate to put myself out there...because of fear. It's fear of the unknown. Fear of making a fool of myself. Fear fear fear. I don't like living my life this way. I'm TRYING to step out of my comfort zone and confront those fears head on. In April or May, I finally took a friends advice and tried Zumba. I swallowed my fear. I had never taken an exercise class before because of.....FEAR. Fear of looking foolish. Fear of doing something stupid. Fear of trying something new. Fear of doing it all alone. I went to my first class.....a scared little bunny. (scared fat bunny?) And you know what??? I found out that I really liked it. It wasn't scary. It wasn't bad. Yeah, I looked silly, but everyone does at one point or another. I faced my fears and went to the zumba-thon thing by myself...and had fun AND got in a great 3 hour workout! I was scared....I had to do something by myself. FEAR. I was afraid to ride in my first bike event...and found I liked that a lot also! And yes, I'm fearful of running a 5K.....the actual running, the actual event....everything. But I'm going to push myself out of my comfort zone and do it.....I don't want to live in fear anymore....and even if I am fearful....I don't want to allow it to rule my life anymore!

That said....I'm having a difficult time finding information about the turkey trot. I thought I saw the info for this years (the 10th annual) but yesterday when I looked online, I saw nothing about this year. I hope they are doing it...and if not...I'll find another one to do....no worries about that!

STOP and regroup

I'm gonna do it. Ok, let me amend that. I'm going to try. Why I am changing from the absolute to the 'try' in my sentence is because of the fact that I do have problems with athritis in my knees. So I know that running may actually turn into something not so pretty. But, I want to do it. I want to conquer it and say "been there, done that" I want to push myself forward and step out of my comfort zone. I know that my love and my 'baby' will most likely remain bike riding. (And Donna....I'm planning on Girls with Gears again next year.....as well as Pedal to Preserve....so get your butt on the bike!!!.....and by the way, check her out when you get the chance...she's one amazing lady!)

My eating of late has not been good. I've not been totally off kilter. But I'm just not 100% on target with my eating. I'm vowing her and now to change that. My head hasn't been in the game for the last few days. I don't know if it's stress.....or if it's just the craziness (my brother and his family are in the area visiting, so I've been working....OT included.....and rushing around trying to spend as much time with them as possible). But, honestly...I think the biggest part is that I slipped up in my focus and once you lose sight of that focus, things spiral. I've only been spiralling for a day or two...but I want to STOP it right now before it gets out of hand! So I'm regrouping and refocusing!

Lofty? Or just perfect?

Whew....what a weekend. I spent it with my brother and his kids (and my parents). I didn't eat the best. So my weight was up a little bit this morning (I've got the picture at home ready..but I ran out of time to upload it before coming to work today...I'll post it later tonight).

I'm actually looking forward to my week so that I can get back in the routine of eating healthy and nutritiously. Yeah, shocks the heck out of me too.

Emotionally things are still crazy...but I'm going to redouble my efforts to take care of ME!

I'm really seriously contemplating training to run a 5K. There is one on Thanksgiving day. It's called the Turkey Trot. That would give me 3 months and 1 week. Is that enough time? Right now I'm just barely one click above walking....a slow jog....and I don't jog continuously. Hmmmmmm Is this too lofty?

On the fence?????

I forgot to weigh myself this morning. Yeah, that's the truth...not an excuse. I was actually thinking about it....but for some reason my routine got all catawumpus and I was dressed and eating breakfast and went ....woah doggie, I dind't weigh myself today. Not a big deal. But I'm curious as to what my weight is.

I haven't calculated last nights food yet...but I feel as if I'm skirting on the edge of not eating right. I've been within my points.....and I've had more than the recommended 5 servings of fruit and veggies each day. But Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I have had ice cream in the evening (Fat free on two nights and a ww sundae cup the other night). last night, my family carted dinner down to my house and we ate. I actually probably didn't do as badly as I thought, but I just feel like I'm on the edge...and I need to reign it back in. I can do it...I KNOW I can do it....but I'll be honest, it's gonna be hard this weekend as I'll be up at my mom and dad's all weekend (except for sleeping) to be with my brother, his wife and their kids. That means being confronted with all the goodies that my mom has in the house for them. Being confronted with fast food meals when they go out for lunch. Mom a lot of the time makes fresh homemade bread to go with dinner.....yum. But I lose control and eat and eat and eat of the bread. So it will be a field of land mines. But I'm determined to walk away with a success under my belt.

Thighs are a bit sore today.....muscle wise. Not to worry, I'm sadistic enough that I like the burn of a sore muscle...it says to me that I've done something good for my body!

I'm feeling somewhat better today....still really blue and somewhat depressed, but somewhat better. I know, intrinsically at least that I am not a 'bad' person, that I am worth every ounce of effort that I put into myself. I need to learn to not allow external situations and factors cause me to stumble. Easier said than done...but I'll keep working on it.....and remember what I KNOW to be true (inside at least). SOooo thankful for my friends though....yesterday I had two really good friends reach out and remind me of who I am and what I'm worth. (thanks!)

After work last night, I headed to Zumba. I pushed myself as much as possible. I was a little flat footed the last part of the hour...I just felt like I didn't have the energy/drive. I pushed through it though and did it.

Last night, set the alarm for 6AM so that I could go to the gym. At 5:50 a driving, torrential downpour woke me up. Ok, I'm not walking outside in that if I could help it. So I turned off the alarm. I woke up again at 6:45...it was no longer raining...so I roused Todd and we headed off to the gym. I started on the treadmill. I have decided to step back into jogging. It's been since April (I think the last time was April...maybe May) since I jogged. I had started out way back when with 2 minutes jogging and roughly 3 minutes recovery (walking). I had built it up and could actually do pretty good. Still taking small recovery walks (1 minutes for every 9 jogged is where I think I was before I got sidetracked). I thought I would be back to square one. I mean, I haven't done much exercise (other than Zumba for months). So I hopped on....warmed up a few minutes with walking and then took off (ok ok ok, I didn't take off....I did step it up to a jog....I'm now where near FAST...it's a SLOW jog). I decided to just go. I made it 1 minute...then 2...then 3. I stopped at 8 and walked for 2. I was pretty tickled with myself. The rest of the time was 5 minutes jogged, 2 minutes walked...back and forth. After my time on the treadmill, I moved to a bike and pushed myself. I had a heart rate I wanted to stay at...(I set the bike up to adjust automatically to keep me there) and I pushed myself to maintain 100RPM's the whole time. So I pushed it there too.

Eating....doing ok. No real slip ups. Nothing really bad. All is good.Weight is actually holding somewhat steady this week thus far.

Self worth

I have no idea where this post came from or why...other than maybe I just needed to say it out loud to myself.....

Loving ourselves....self esteem.

That's a really difficult thing to do sometimes. But it's so necessary because if we don't care and love ourselves, then we tend to not want to take the time and effort necessary to make the changes (and turn them into habits) for weight loss and a healthy lifestyle.

I've been kicked to the ground a bunch of times in my adult life. Starting with college when I was told by the resident director that people hated me...that 'people see you walking toward them and they move to the other side of the hall/street to get away from you'. Yes, that is a quote of just one of the many things that were spouted off to me. I sunk into a depression and actually believed what had been said to me. My friends gathered around me and told me time and time again that it was NOT true....and that it was the work of a jealous person that was good friends with the RD. I learned the value of TRUE friends...but it was still a real blow to my self esteem.

Fast forward through years of trying to get a teaching job....rejection upon rejection. A good friend stabbing me in the back. (not literally...quite figuratively). A job teaching that turned really really bad. That pushed me once again into a depression....and rocked me to the core, totally knocking my already fragile self esteem. I'm currently in a situation that is threatening to destroy what is left of my self worth. I'm struggling...I'm angry at God about situation...but I'm trying to not focus on that anger or the way that this situation is making me feel (worthless....unworthy...etc etc etc) and to take time for myself, to make sure I am at least operating daily as if I cared about myself.....It's a hard hard battle to fight....right now I'm just fakin' in.

That said....my weight is holding steady thus far this week. I'm happy about that. I did my hour of zumba last night and I will go again tonight. This morning I bee-bopped around the house vacuuming, steam vac'ing the carpets, sweeping and mopping, laundry, etc etc etc. So at I'm getting my activity in. Thinking about trying to make it to the gym tomorrow morning! I've got to make exercise a priority in my daily routine!

Songs

When I was at the gym the other day, I had my ipod on shuffle and I ended up hearing some songs that I haven't really listened to in ages. It got me to thinking about songs that at one point or another have meant something to me in my weight loss efforts. Lyrically speaking that is....

Ironically enough, many of mine are songs by Chicago....

Stone of Sisyphus (the link has the lyrics and the song to listen too)

The back ground of Sisyphus is that he was a Greek King that was being punished. His punishment was to roll a large boulder up a hill, only to get to the top and watch the boulder roll right back to the bottom......and thus he had to start again. (fitting for this journey sometimes right).

The lyrics of the song include this segment "A dream is make believe until;
Blood, sweat, and tears turn pain to will;It's gonna take some doing for me:
To show them the way." .....this song just hit me.


Feeling Stronger Every day.
Yes, this song is more about 'love'. But for me, it's a love song to myself...through this journey I've had to learn (and relearn) to love myself....and with each day, I'm making myself stronger every day, physically and emotionally.


Alive Again

Once again, a song that kinda preaches to me as I've tried to learn to once again love myself....and in the process have come alive....because at my heaviest, I was nothing more than dead.

There are tons more songs that have had meaning for me during my journey.....but those three songs popped into my head the other day while exercising....and more than any others, they (mainly the first two) are the ones that really speak to me.

Monday Madness

Well, my weekend is over. I did fairly well over the weekend with my eating. Saturday I was spot on AND I even made it to the gym. Sunday, well...Sunday was a bit more rough as my brother and his family is in town. They went out for lunch. (fast food....arrggghh). I ate a salad with grilled chicken on top and the nectarine that I took with me. Dinner was out to eat once again. We went to a place where you CAN order off the menu, but they have a buffet. Everyone ordered the buffet. So even though I kinda wanted the grilled veggies and the baked potato, I was like a blind sheep following the crowd and I ordered the buffet. I didn't do tooo badly...but still over my points I'm sure. Off the buffet I had a salad, some cottage cheese and small scoop of potato salad. I had a small scoop of mashed potatoes, a small scoop of macaroni and cheese some pineapple and a piece of watermelon. I had some soft serve ice cream and I had a roll with butter. I did have a bite of my mom's lemon cake at dinner and a bit of her cinnamon roll at lunch. ONE bite of each...she offered more, but I stuck with one bite. So, even though I followed suit, I did the best I could. I KNOW that I should have stood up and ordered what I wanted (ironically enough, there was one person that DID order off the menu....not me). Ingrained habits......everyone was ordering the buffet and that is what I would have ordered for YEARS of my life....so I just slipped back into the role that I know so well....not the roll that I WANT to be habit!

I did get lots of exercise. My brothers kids are 10, 7 and 3...so I got some jumping, dancing, wrestling, croquette playing and even a 3 mile hike on the canal in yesterday. Ohh yes, and I got some pictures of the kids.....

I was freakin' out about m weight. I ate out TWO times yesterday and while I did 'ok', I still ate differently. Part of my panic is because today is weigh in day for a challenge that I am involved in. There is no ifs ands or buts, I have to weigh in today.....with pictures included. YIKES. I had also made the vow that I would start posting my weight on my blog each Monday. This is one of my plans that I am putting into place as I've pretty much reconciled myself to giving up my weight watchers membership due to the fact that the meeting times have been changed to something that is just not feasible for me. Soooo I did it....I stepped on the scales, I took the picture. I took my full body (or close to it) picture. I am planning on posting a picture like this (full body AND picture of the scale) each week on Monday...or as close to Monday as humanly possible....(only changing the date if I am away and unable....NOT because I ate too much the previous night). I hope and pray that knowing that there are people out there waiting on my report will help keep me accountable...and PLEASE ask if I don't post!

So are you ready?????

Excess

It's obvious that I can easily eat to excess. A person rarely gets to over 300 pounds without eating to excess on occasion. However, last night I began to think about excess eating. Let me set the scenario. I made Todd a hamburger on the grill (I don't eat beef) and I had corn on the cob and breaded and baked zucchini...and watermelon for dinner. I ate and ate and ate corn on the cob. I think I ended up eating 7 or 8 ears. The last ear is where my thought processes started to kick in. Did I eat corn on the cob in excess of what I SHOULD have eaten. Yes, it was my 'main dish'. In my general opinion, eating something that's healthy for you, meaning fruit and veggies; it is not possible to eat in excess on those. I didn't get fat from eating too much corn on the cob, or too many green beans, or even from eating too many strawberries (which I can put away..). But is my thinking skewed? No, I didn't eat until I was sick. I wasn't in a corn induced sickness last night. I was pleasantly full. :-)

Soooooo excess eating......is it still bad if it's fruits and vegetables? (the question is aimed at a healthy adult...not a diabetic or someone that needs to watch sugars in fruit)

fruit follies

I promise...no more talk about clothes....or bras...or whatever....that's over!

I had a bit of a panic this morning....my well stocked, full of fruit refrigerator is no longer well stocked with fruit. ARRRGGHHH I still have some nectarines and some cantaloupe. I have been craving corn on the cob (again, is what my husband said...but it's soooo yummy...and honestly, I haven't had it in about a week and a half......and wait a minute, he has been craving hamburgers and eating them numerous times a week...sometimes even more than once a day...and he complains about corn on the cob???). I went out to buy some from our local farmer...no corn! I went to another place....no corn!!! I'm in a state of panic. One place said that they should have corn in a few hours. So on my lunch break, I'm gonna go and see if they have some. Crossing my fingers. I did pick up another watermelon and another cantaloupe to help refill the fridge!

My weight was up a bit this morning. I know I didn't drink all of my water yesterday but we also ate out. I had....ohhh do I have to admit it?????? OK ok ok, we went to Red Lobster. Now, since I don't eat seafood, pork, or beef, I had the option of two entrees. I ended up with cajun chicken alfredo. Yeah yeah yeah....beat me up....alfredo = extra pounds. Ohhh yeah, and of course I had 2 biscuits. When they asked if we wanted more, I did decline the second basket of biscuits, I know if they had been set on the table, that I would have wolfed those down also. I actually wasn't to far over my points for the day because I had eaten pretty much fruit and veggies for breakfast and lunch. OK, not pretty much...I had eaten only fruit and veggies for breakfast and lunch. (hey, that's what tickled my taste buds yesterday). So the fat, and the sodium in processed restaurant foods PLUS the water issue....and my weight is up. Hopefully it drops again. Wait, that was stupid...of course it's going to drop again. I'm working the plan and thus it WILL drop again.

Exercise.....I was getting into my car this morning and I realized that I keep saying that I'm going to kick my exercise into high gear....but in reality the only 'formal' exercise I'm getting is my two nights of zumba. That HAS to be rectified!

So I talked yesterday about the sports bra and my purchase of a new one that I liked. All was good. I went to zumba last night and I had a problem of a different kind. I had learned the hard way a year or so ago that commando is not always the best option while exercising. I also learned (but didn't write about) the fact taht certain underwear are not conducive to zumba. So I'm always very cognizant of what underwear I put on before zumba. But last night...my SHORTS kept riding in weird and uncomfortable ways. No fears, I just picked the zumba induced wedgie out (ok, so it wasn't a wedgie...the shorts kept getting twisted or something) and kept rolling. So really, seriously...what is the best option out there for zumba.....inquiring minds want want to know. I'll keep trying my different clothes until I hit upon the magical outfit. Of course as soon as I figure that out, I'll lose and the clothes will be too big. Good problem though.
My weight was lookin' good this morning! WOo hooo!!!

What's rolling around in my head.

No deep thoughts today. No wild advice. Not much in my head right now.....well, not about weight loss. What's in my head......a song that we have been dancin'/exercisin' to in Zumba the last two weeks. "Man with a Hex". Just a fun one to workout to. What else is in my head....well, honestly, that's just it. And I'm sitting here at work my leg jiggling wanting to get up and move to the song that is pounding through my thoughts!

I got to thinkin'....the songs that I am wanting to add to my ipod/iphone (and/or..probably both)are actually songs that get in my head at zumba...and while they are in my head, I just want to get up and MOVE. I REALLY need to get these songs downloaded ASAP....because if I'm cleaning and they start playing....don't you think I will shake my 'booty' a little bit more? Hey, every extra shake is an extra calorie burned!!!!

Oh yes, I'm also thinking about my new sports bra. (Sorry guys). I was walking through the dreaded Walmart the other day (yeah, I very rarely go in there...I prefer Target) and I saw the sports bras. In that split second I decided that I needed a new sports bra. Mine are started to get old and ratty. I started looking and I decided to break from the traditional 'tube sock wrapped around your boobs' style sports bra and went with one that is actually shaped and molded for a more comfortable fit (danskin...and it was only 10 or 11 bucks).....thus you have less of a uni-boob with this one. So I figured I'd try it. Well, I actually liked it. :-) So I'm thinking about that too (and about going back to get another one...lol)

So there you have it...my mindless thoughts for the day. I'm still holding in there strong. I'll be going out to lunch today...but I'm sure that I'll be able to navigate and find something healthy wherever we end up going AND/OR manage what I eat by countering it with a REALLY healthy dinner (I had fruit for breakfast so I'm off to a good start).

Shift in mentality

Yay, my weight dropped this morning so now I've recouped that 'false gain' that I showed on Saturday at Weight Watchers (I was showing up 1.8 pounds on Saturday) AND the .4 that I showed yesterday morning. So I'm relieved. Back to the nitty gritty of losing.

I made an interesting observation yesterday evening/this morning. Let me go back to the last few days........Late last week, I went grocery shopping. I picked up my normal assortment of fruit and moved on. The next day I was out and about and some fruit caught my eye, so I bought it. Saturday I went to the city market and just HAD to have the nectarines......and it continued. So I opened my fridge yesterday to get something to eat. It's just jam packed full...of FRUIT! I have watermelon, cantaloupe, kiwi, strawberries (OK, I polished them off last night), cherries, grapes, and clementines. The remnants of a fruit tray from a party the other night came home with me also, as everyone knew that I eat a fair amount of fruit...so add pineapple and honeydew to my list of available fruits. I have fruit coming out of my ears! So what is so interesting about this? I realized that my mentality has shifted back into the RIGHT direction. I didn't just buy the fruit because I HAD to, I bought it because I couldn't resist. I didn't buy snack foods and such...I loaded up on fruits. It used to be the other way around, I would load up on the junk food and the snack food and sometimes wouldn't even buy fruit for weeks at a time...or if I did buy fruit, it would go bad before I would even eat a bite. I've come a long long way.

Shifts in mentality......sometimes we don't even realize that the shift has been made until it's already a done deal, but if we keep on keepin' on, the shift WILL occur.

Find me!

Hagerstown Dancers Add Spice to National Dance Day

Find me in the video!!!!!

The other day I was talking about Zumba and stepping outside of my comfort zone to go to zumba. I stepped outside of my comfort zone again. They had a zumba-thon (that's what I called it). Basically 3 hours with different zumba instructors and different dance/exercise instructors leading short class segments. I decided to go.....even though I would be attending by myself. I don't like to do stuff by myself, it's....well....lets just say that I usually chose to NOT do something versus doing it on my own. Well, not this time. I was going to that thing if it killed me. AND I told myself that I was going to try everything I could possibly try. I was goign to try each instructor. I was going to try each type of dance. I was going to do it all. And I DID. I was just shy of 3 hours of dancing. I ended up having to stop about 5 minutes from the end.....I just got too hot and toooo tired. I had fun. Would I have had more fun if I had a friend to attend with? Yeah, but I did it on my own.

I LOVED the Drumming. Check it out, it's called Drum's Alive. Unfortunately, I dont' belong to the gym that offers it (and they only offer one class which I couldn't make even if I still did belong to that gym).

I've put together another good week. So two good weeks. The scales did NOT show my efforts this week. I battled with the female monthly hormone water retention/weight spike. I also admit that I ate way too many foods that were a bit higher in sodium. So that affected it also. But I refuse to worry.....it's all good and if I continue on the path that I've been on for two whole weeks, the weight WILL drop!

Comfort Zone

Thursday....after today, just one more day to make it to the weekend!!! YAY!

Last night was Zumba. For the first time since I stepped in that stupid ground hog hole in mid June, my foot didn't ache and REALLY hurt. I pushed myself, or rather, I felt like I pushed myself to hop and jump a little more. It's a great exercise class for modifications. If you want to have a lower impact, you tap and side step. You can add a little hop or bounce to your step if you want a little more. And if you are capable and want a full out workout...you can jump and bounce around to your hearts content. I like it because it combines some of the classic dance moves (salsa, merengue, etc etc etc) with fitness moves (kickboxing, lunges, etc etc etc) and combines it all with fun Latin music. The hour really does fly by...and I don't know how anyone could walk out without having worked up a sweat. :-) I have to admit, I was actually rather nervous about going into the class. I had some Friends telling me for WEEKS upon MONTHS to try it. But, I don't dance. I don't merengue or salsa (or any of the other steps). Bellydance? ME? HA HA HA. My butt doesn't shake in a sexy way. When I try to shake my butt, people in neighboring counties run for cover. So yeah, I was sooo skeptical. I started in the back row. And I'll admit, I was LOST. I was left footing it when I should be right footing it. I was going frontwards when I should be going backwards. I was two steps behind at all times. But it was fun. I went back the next week....and I got a little better. I now go twice a week...and no, I still don't think i move with any grace...and when a song calls for a little butt shaking? Well, lets just say I jiggle with the best of them.....and to heck with the people in neighboring counties that may be scared of the incoming flab. It's fun. People that have been there longer than I, still struggle with the choreography sometimes. We just laugh at it. I'm ever so grateful that I took the plunge, stamped down my fear and went to that first class. If anyone reading this has been wanting (or advised by friends, like I was) to try something like this...DO IT! Step out of your comfort zone! I did and I found out that I really do enjoy it.

Makes one wonder.....how else are we keeping ourselves tied up in chains because we are afraid to step out of our comfort zone??????

Stupid weight is up....but when I looked at a calendar, I kinda got a clue was to why.....blech.