Death of a Dream

Uhhhh yeah, I"ve been absent for a while.     And if you've read my blog for any length of time, you know what an absence means.  It means NOT good things.

I've gained a bit in the last few weeks.  Why is this so hard?

I'm kinda right now focusing on ME.  Not so much the eating me.  But I'm forcing myself to face some facts.  I've actually been meaning to write about this on here.  I wrote it in my private journal (in full detail way back on november 10th...just checked the date in that journal) and just never had the gumption to come on here and write it.  But then something else happened....in relation and it's thrown me into a deeper tailspin.

Ok...going back to a week ago.  I was thinking about goals and desires and dreams.  I realized that I'm somewhat afraid to dream and have big goals. Why was this though?   I started to think about some of the dreams I've had in the past.  The first one...I ALWAYS wanted to be a teacher.  Another one...It was always a foregone conclusion that I would be a parent....I just always knew.  There was another big one in the list that I'm not going to bring up right now...but it's a BIG one.  Well, when I identified those huge dreams....I realized that they have ALL bombed out...and BIG TIME.  Teaching...well, I wrote about that a while back.  NOT good.  The baby thing....for personal reasons we haven't even tried.  And the third one.....another huge negative.  I attempted to strive toward my dreams and goals and they have been  busted in a huge way.    As my dreams died, I have been shattered, depressed and just, well....not good.  In my melancholy moods, I became afraid to even dare to dream again.  The pain of losing those dreams and having them plucked from you (and sometimes in very hurtful and demoralizing ways) rendered me incapable of a lot.  I'm just drifting through my life aimlessly. No goals....no plans.  Just existing from day to day.

I've been struggling with this of late.  I recognize that there is a serious problem with having a lack of these intrinsically important things.  How does one take the step to dream again?  How does one even come up with dreams again?

Yesterday, I got hit with the news of a friend who is pregnant......it brought back all the emotions of my childless state. Yes, tears have fallen for me....even while I'm happy for my friend.   I just want to eat away my problems.  Todd had his follow up appointment after all the tests (which were in relation to the cancer scare and his digestive problems)....all came back clean....I just want to eat to celebrate.  Eating is all I have.  Yet eating adds to my desperation because I want to be thin.  I want to feel good about myself again.

Yet, I know that to truely feel good about myself, being thin is NOT enough. (I've been there once before and it didn't work...I felt good...but it wasn't enough....clearly as I gained the weight back).  I need to fix me from the inside out.  Now the question is how to do it?

I am holding steady.  Literally, steady.  My weight was exactly the same today as it was yesterday as it was on Monday.  I'm ok with that. I've eaten late dinners the last two nights and I've had two high intensity workouts on Tuesday and Wednesday evenings.  Historically I don't show a loss after a high intensity evening workout. (they say something about your muscles when they are worked hard retain fluid for a day or so).  So I'm not too worried.  I'm just plugging along with my eating.  Yes....it's Thursday and thus far I'm 100% on target with my eating and food intake. I'm also 50% of the way to reaching my goal of 4 exercises for this week.  :-)

The longer I go and stay on target, the easier it actually becomes.....it really does build momentum. 

Weekly weigh in

OH my word...I just feel so brain dead today!   It's a Monday and I'm feelin' it down to the tips of my toes!

I am however VERY tickled!   Last weeks goal was a repeat of the previous weeks attempt to eat on target for 6 of the 7 days.    Last night I looked at my day planner and realized that I reached 6 days...and I would most likely make it the 7 days (I did).  I admit to using a few weekly points (no more than 2 a day) 2 or 3 days of the week.  But that is still well within the plan!  So a total success.  I squeaked out the carry over goal of 3 days of exercise throughout the week.   Yeah, it was way too easy because zumba gives me two of them. 

Soooo goals for this week, another 7 great days of eating.  And I'm going to bump up the exercise....aiming for 4 times!

So how did I do?   I lost 6 pounds!

WINNER!

Special Thanks to my co-worker who picked the magic number (7) as the miracle winner of my give away.  (yeah yeah yeah...it's monday and way too much work to go to a random generator site do-hickey to get my winner....I still went random...just old school).   Sooo without further ado....I give to you our winner!  

http://thisnthatwithjc.blogspot.com/