Comfort Zone

Thursday....after today, just one more day to make it to the weekend!!! YAY!

Last night was Zumba. For the first time since I stepped in that stupid ground hog hole in mid June, my foot didn't ache and REALLY hurt. I pushed myself, or rather, I felt like I pushed myself to hop and jump a little more. It's a great exercise class for modifications. If you want to have a lower impact, you tap and side step. You can add a little hop or bounce to your step if you want a little more. And if you are capable and want a full out workout...you can jump and bounce around to your hearts content. I like it because it combines some of the classic dance moves (salsa, merengue, etc etc etc) with fitness moves (kickboxing, lunges, etc etc etc) and combines it all with fun Latin music. The hour really does fly by...and I don't know how anyone could walk out without having worked up a sweat. :-) I have to admit, I was actually rather nervous about going into the class. I had some Friends telling me for WEEKS upon MONTHS to try it. But, I don't dance. I don't merengue or salsa (or any of the other steps). Bellydance? ME? HA HA HA. My butt doesn't shake in a sexy way. When I try to shake my butt, people in neighboring counties run for cover. So yeah, I was sooo skeptical. I started in the back row. And I'll admit, I was LOST. I was left footing it when I should be right footing it. I was going frontwards when I should be going backwards. I was two steps behind at all times. But it was fun. I went back the next week....and I got a little better. I now go twice a week...and no, I still don't think i move with any grace...and when a song calls for a little butt shaking? Well, lets just say I jiggle with the best of them.....and to heck with the people in neighboring counties that may be scared of the incoming flab. It's fun. People that have been there longer than I, still struggle with the choreography sometimes. We just laugh at it. I'm ever so grateful that I took the plunge, stamped down my fear and went to that first class. If anyone reading this has been wanting (or advised by friends, like I was) to try something like this...DO IT! Step out of your comfort zone! I did and I found out that I really do enjoy it.

Makes one wonder.....how else are we keeping ourselves tied up in chains because we are afraid to step out of our comfort zone??????

Stupid weight is up....but when I looked at a calendar, I kinda got a clue was to why.....blech.

I was sitting here in front of a blank screen wondering what to write. I made a vow that I would write in my journal on a daily basis, because I know that it keeps me grounded, it keeps me on track and it's my link to accountability throughout the week. So I sat here KNOWING that it was something that I needed to do....but what to write about?

I could write about the dangers of sodium. Sort-term in regards to the scales. Why would I be thinking about sodium? Because I had popcorn last night...and popcorn without a lot of salt is just not good in my opinion...so when I do it up, I do it up right. I woke up in the middle of the night thirsty and then I woke up absolutely parched this morning. That is usually a sign that I'm already somewhat dehydrated.....and usually means that my weight will be up a pound or two on the scale that day like clockwork. I did step on the scale and I was up, not a pound or two but, by 2/10ths of a pound. So I was actually somewhat happy So anyway, the dangers of salt.....boring. I don't want to write about that.

Zumba! I could write about Zumba. I do really enjoy Zumba. It's a good workout....I go twice a week (Tuesday and Wednesday nights). Yeah, not so much to say about that either.

Stress and it's affects on my weight loss journey? Yeah, I've got some major decisions to make and some stressful situations happening on a daily basis. But you know what...that's negative. I'm trying to not focus on the negative.

So what can I say? I will say that I'm keeping my eating under control. I'm not splurging. I'm not eating my worries and sorrows and yes, tears away. I'm holding staedy. I'm just taking it one day at a time and putting my best foot forward and hoping for.....NO....expecting the best to happen with my weight loss.

Expectations!
What are my expecatations with my weight loss? What do I want to get out of it?

1. Health
2. Happiness
3. Feeling good about myself

I so didn't want to leave the happiness there. Because I KNOW that being thin and losing weight doesn't bring happiness. And I KNOW that I'm setting myself up for failure if I expect it to do so. However, I can't help but hope that my weight loss will magically coincide with happiness. TRUE happiness. But I learned my lesson.....when I reached my goal weight a year or two ago...I expected happiness to cure all of my woes. It would take all my troubles away. Life would just all of a sudden be one wonderful place. Then the crashing realization hit me that these problems that I'm dealing with in my life were not caused by my weight...my weight was simply the scapgoat....and I lost my focus....and regained. I don't know if I've ever said on here how much I've regained...but it's time for total and absolute honesty. I've regained 50 pounds. I'm going to get those 50 pounds off. And this time, while I hope and dream of happiness. I'm not going to pin my happiness on my weight loss. Weight loss will make me happy...but I know that it will not take the situations in my life that cause me unhappiness away.

So there you have it...a post that literally just sprang from my fingertips unbiden.

Worth it!

Am I worth all this work of losing weight? I've talked about it over and over. I've thought about it long and hard. I come up with my response and it's an emphatic YES! I am worth it. Yet, do I ACT like I belive it? I don't think that I do. Why do I say this?

The other day I was home alone and preparing my dinner. I went to the cabinet to see what canned foods that I could pull out for myself. I reached for a can of corn and then I stopped myself. Canned corn is actually icky in comparison to the freshly cut corn from the cob that I freeze for our consumption. I have a freezer shelf full of the good stuff. I would never think of using canned corn in preparing a meal for my husband! I only serve him the good stuff. Why would I therefore revert to the store-bought canned stuff for myself? It really and truely made no sense to me. And yes, I turned around and marched myself to the freezer and I had GOOD corn for my dinner.

Another example that hit me....I spend a decent amount time creating and cooking meals for Todd and I. I enjoy cooking and I enjoy treating him to delicacies that I create. When Todd works in the evening, I do not cook for myself. I throw something together....a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a butter and jelly sandwich, something easy. A big cooking extragavanza for when I'm on my own is making a grilled cheese. That is just plain sad.

So I came to the conclusion this weekend that while I say I'm worth it......I'm not ACTING 100% like I'm worth it.

Intact

I did it.....I made it through a weekend and kept myself totally under control with my eating! TOTALLY...100%. OK ok ok, not 100%, I did splurge and I used 3 of my flex points on Sunday evening. Three points though...not 30 points each day. And three points extra is well within what is still considered 'on plan' with Weight Watchers. WEEEEEEEEEEEE

I was a bit nervous about Sunday. Todd had a cancellation and we ended up going out for lunch. AND I had dinner already planned. I thought and ordered wisely. Salad with grilled chicken, hold the bacon and dressing on the side please and thank you very much. It was a really good salad also. :-)

So here is the kicker.....I realize exactly how much damage my weekends are doing to me now.

My week results for weight watchers showed me with a loss of 2.8 pounds. Respectable. Very respectable. I was quite happy with that. Especially since I weighed in wearing heavier clothes than I normally The 7 days between the previous weigh in and that one had been spent thusly. Day 1 and Day 2....eat with very little control. Day 3-7 Eat healthy and within plan (oh yeah, and that within plan included Pizza Hut...dinner for two...which is a medium pizza, breadsticks, salad and a drink.....and I ate each morsel of my half of the dinner for two). And then weigh in. But my weekend, like all of the previous weekend was one total gorge.

My challenge weight. I weighed in last monday...so today was weigh in day. There shouldn't be a big difference right? I mean, the only difference was a measley two days....a Saturday and a Sunday. BUT, the Saturday and Sunday that was on the weight watchers weigh in week was a dismal failure. On the flip side, the Saturday and Sunday that were included on the challenge weight weigh in were totally on target. Soooo how did I do for my challenge weight???? 4.8 pounds. So my weekend eating is costing me 2 pounds each week? 2 pounds?????? Is any of the food that I'm shovelling in on my weekends worth 2 pounds????? Wow.

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I'm still not sure what to do about the weight watchers meeting fiasco. I've talked to some friends. I've listened to what everyone is saying here. I've talked to my husband. I honestly go back and forth between my options. I checked, my credit card was just charged for this next month...(as in charged on the 23rd charged...so JUST)...so I'm paid up until September 7th......so I have until August 23rd to cancel should I chose to do so.

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Goals for my upcoming week:

1. Stay on plan......
2. Exercise at least 5 times (same goal as last week...last week I exercised 4 times)
3. Begin taking my daily multi-vitamin
4. Don't allow the stress in my life to rule my weight loss journey. The issue that causes the most stress has raised it's ugly head...so this will be difficult.
5. Focus on me...and remember that I'm the one that has the ultimate control over what I eat! Only me! Yeah, there may be situations that make things difficult, but I'm still in control over what I put into my mouth!

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I've been thinking about rewards again. I need to set up rewards.

So.......

For every pound I lose, I will allow myself to buy a song or something on Itunes. I am usually cheap and don't purchase new music......Going by my Monday weigh in as that's going to be my 'blog' weigh in day. So today I show a 4.8 pound loss...that's 4 songs! The good news about this week....I only have to lose .2 to get another song. :-)

For dropping below 200 pounds again...I'm not sure...but I want it to be something that will be symbolic of me NEVER returning to the two hundreds again. Ohhh a snake skin purse...because snakes SHED their skins????? Something to do with fire? Because that bridege to return is burnt????? Any good ideas?

Unrealistic goals

I was driving up to town this morning for my butt crack of dawn weight watchers meeting and got to thinking about my weekend plans. Those plans? Laundry, clean the house, make a couple meals and blessedly, after work today (Saturday until noon) nothing else. A glorious weekend of relaxation. (I've said this before and I usually end up running around doing stuff.....we'll see). The weekend loomed big in my thoughts as I pondered activities that I can do and complete this weekend. And then I had the brain child idea. I will do one activity (clean the kitchen) and then I'll do 1/2 hour of exercise. Then I'll do another activity (play on my computer) and then follow that up with another 1/2 hour of exercise. Then watch a movie, followed up by some more exercise. I'll exercise my way through the weekend. How wonderful does that sound? I drove a little further down the road and started laughing. There is NO way on earth that I'd be able to keep up that pace and that plan. It is totally unrealistic! I know that once I start watching movies, that exercise will be the furthest thing from my mind. I am so not going to want to get up off the nice comfy sofa, where I will probably have a cat or two cuddling up with me, to go exercise....just to go back to the sofa for another movie. Yes, I will probably ride the exercise bike for the first 1/2 hour to hour of the FIRST movie. But it's unrealistic to think that my original plan would work.

So how unrealistic are the goals that we set for ourselves? Yes, there are 22 more weeks in this year....and yes they say that a healthy weigh loss is up to 2 pounds a week. So yes, it would be HEALTHY for me to say that I was aiming to lose 44 pounds by the end of the year. Is it realistic? BARELY....life doesn't always work that way...there is a lot of vacation time, holidays and birthdays between now and then. Will I aim for that? Of course! But I'm not setting it as a time goal.....it is just an estimated time frame for me to reach that goal. But how many times to I set myself up for failure because I set unrealistic goals?


Well, I lost 2.8 pounds today. I'm so happy....and I'm heading into my weekend with a plan for eating healthy and staying on track!

OK, so here is where I"m at. I was at my meeting this morning and they announced that the 7AM meeting (which I have to leave 5 minutes early as it is, in order to make it to work on time) is being closed. They are combining the 7AM meeting with he 8Am meeting.....and having it at 7:30. So "it's only a half hour". But that makes it unattainable for me on the weeks that I work. I am so upset that I could cry. Just when I feel like I'm getting a handle on things...........

So I have a couple options...I've already asked some friends their opinions via email...but I need more opinions!

1. Quit going to meetings for the time being and try (once again to go it on my own). Driving back to work, I came up with a few ideas that may help keep me on track if I take this option.

*keep my e-tools- I like tracking on e-tools, especially since I can track on my phone even while I"m eating

*weekly, take a full body picture (clothed of course...tee hee hee) AND a picture of the number on the

scales....and post it on my blog for accountability. And ask my blog readers and my friends to keep me accountable.....have a set day for it!

2. There is a Thursday night meeting that I could conceivably make. It would be TIGHT....as in I get off work and I would barely have time to get there, and if I was held up at work for whatever reason (happens sometimes) I'd not make it.

*the pro is that I would be in a more consistent meeting

*the con, I'd be rushed

*the other con, I already am away and doing something on Tuesday and Wednesday evenings with my zumba after work. My husband is very accommodating, to the point that when he's home, he's OK with the fact that dinner isn't served until 8PM...actually later since I don't get home until 8PM. Is that fair to him to ask him to accommodate me another night....and we don't have many nights together as it is.

3. I could continue on and only go to meetings every other week....when I'm not working.

*pro-I'd still be going and having that accountability

*con- I'd be paying $20 per meeting

*there is a slight chance that on the 'work on Saturday' weeks, I could possibly get to a Tuesday morning meeting that they hold at 10AM, since my 6 day work week, they try to not have me come in until noon on Tuesday.

-con to that is that I'd be weighing in on Saturday and then turn around and weigh in again 3 days later

-con I like the consistency of meetings....I get the most from the people that I talk to at my meetings..

-pro- I'd be in a meeting each and every week!



I don't want to be a meeting attender that hops from meeting to meeting and/or sporadically attends. But it looks as if I may have to if I want to continue. What are your thoughts?

Why?

Why do I write in my journal? What is the draw, the pull that has kept me coming back consistently for over 4 years. And yes, it has been relatively consistent. I dont' think there has been a month that I didn't come at all...and never only once.

I write for me. I'm not writing thinkng about PR or book deals or reviews or anything other than ME. ME, MYSELF AND I! I write what is in my head. I write about what is going on in my life. I write about my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes those thoughts and feelings aren't pretty. Sometimes they are super happy. But when I go back and read them as a whole...maybe a month or two of entries at a time, I have learned so much about me. It's hard to be objective about yourself. It's a tad bit easier when you are reading your downfalls and successes in black and white.

Yes, I hope that anyone reading this blog finds some inspiration or motivation to continue on their journey......but that is secondary...because the blog is written for my own personal, my own personal chronical of how and what it has taken for me to get to where I'm at, emotionally AND weightwise.

That said...lets move on to my update. Last night I got home from work and I did ok with my eating....I struggled. I was alone and just really wanted to dive head-first into the cabinets. HOWEVER, I ate dinner....and then I pulled out the dance pad for Dance Dance Revolution and played for about 40 minutes. Not high intensity exercise...but activity none-the-less. :-) Little Winny really wanted to exercise with me though.


My weight this morning....holding steady! :-)

The good, the bad and the ugly

So what do we talk about first? Good??? Bad??? Ugly??? Well, I'm just not sure, especially since some of the good was actually bad and could have turned ugly. Hmmm....ok ok ok, I'll just start at the beginning of yesterday.

As I wrote yesterday I hopped on the exercise bike and nailed 1/2 hour of riding before coming to work. I came to work and completed my four hours of fun. After work I went home, put on my comfy clothes (ie. not work clothes) and todd and I headed out. We had to adjust our plans as we were originally going to go southward, but Todd had taken Little Winny (little winny is the small one in the picture) and Jody to the vet in the morning. Little Winny received her shots and was sent home. Jody had to stay for some test....so we had to be in Hagerstown at 4 to pick her up. No problem, we headed northward.

We debated long and hard about where to eat. Todd mentioned Golden Corral, but that just seemed lackluster to me...and more difficult to control. We ended up at Pizza Hut, which Todd was craving. The good? The pizza was just fantastic. It was so tasty. The cheese was gooey and melted. The flavors just burst in my mouth. I was in food heaven...a food induced orgasmic bliss. The bad????? Well, we ordered the dinner for two. That is 2 drinks (diet pepsi for me), breadsticks (yup, they were light, airy, and just plain tasty too), a salad (at least I got a serving of veggies in) and a medium pizza (we did go thin crust to cut down on points and since I don't like much meat, I stuck with cheese.....meat adds points anyway). So there is the good and the bad. The ugly? The possibility of badness on the scales.

After we ate lunch, we ran into Staples and Best Buy looking for a new printer. Basically looking at the options and all that good stuff. We swung out to a farmers market and picked up some fresh produce and also went into the mall for a bit. Just general errands.

Something VERY good.....Todd stopped into Starbucks to pick up a drink. He of course asked if I wanted to order something. I was very tempted.....it was hot and muggy...a nice iced drink would have tasted SOOOo good. But common sense took over. Yes, it would have tasted so good. Yes it was hot and it would have been a nice cool down. But I had my nice big jug of ice water in the car with me. SOOOO, I passed on the iced drink and stuck with my water. HUGE HUGE HUGE victory!

We picked up Jody and went home. I got as much of dinner ready as possible and then I headed out to Zumba. Yes...I made it to zumba! Good workout!

Went home and ate corn on the cob and baked zucchini with some cantalope and then relaxed the rest of the afternoon.

So this morning....was it ugly? I almost didn't step onto the scales. I almost backed out to wait for tomorrow morning. But then I said, "NO, I want to know the damage and then I'll move on". So I stepped on the scale. The scale did it's work and then beeped to tell me that my weight was posted. I about fell off those darn scales.....DOWN! YIPPEE!!! So my eating pretty much only fruits and veggies the rest of the day to accomodate the pizza worked. (ok, I don't like much meat anyway, so it's not that out of the ordinary). My double workout helped. It's working, becuase I'm working the plan!

So what is my plan for today? Hold it together with the eating. I know that I can't eat like yesterday each and every day. SO pulling it together. Get my exercise in (somehow.....I will get off of work at 6 and I have tomatoes to can tonight...but I WILL get the exercise in!). Just work the plan!

Carb lover

carbs.....evil evil carbs. ok ok ok, so I know that they are not evil. But I love them so. YEsterday, I stayed within my points range, but I have way too many carbs....and my weight popped a little this morning. I told myself that it could have been my workout last night (work the muscles, they swell and retain water for a day or so)...but I'll be honest and say that I had some carbs. Carbs are probably my biggest downfall....I'm drawn to carbs more often than anything else. Yeah, I can lose control with pretty much any food...but carbs....yummy!

As I mentioned....made it to Zumba last night. Pushed myself as hard as I could....kickin' it up a notch. :-)

This morning I woke up early and hopped onto the exercise bike for a 30 minute jaunt (a jaunt to nowhere...but still). I do have zumba tonight, but there is a slight chance that we will not make it home in time for me to go......and I wanted to make sure that I got some sort of exercise in today. If I do make it back (shouldn't be a problem) in time for Zumba, doing Zumba and riding the exercise bike for 30 minutes is NOT going to hurt....it can only help!

Food today may be a bit of a problem.....we are planning on going out for lunch...and Todd mentioned Pizza Hut. (ohhhh yummmmmm......we will get thin crust to cut down on points, even though I love love love the carby goodness of a thick and greasy pan pizza.....but still). I have changed the dinner plans for this evening to a veggie meal. (we will be stopping at a farm market to pick up corn and whatever else strikes our fancy). So I will at least be eating healthy for dinner, breakfast was my normal smoothie...so fruits there. So I should be ok....even with pizza. But it does give me pause for concern. I can do it though....no matter where we go....when I lost weight before, I ate out a lot. It only takes self control. Self control to NOT order something that is totally unhealthy. Self control to not go nuts on the salad bar and load up half of your plate with macaroni salad. (pasta...yum) Self control to only eat 1 portion and put aside the extra piece of chicken, or the extra whatever that is always on your plate. Self control.

Yeah.....carb.....the menace to my journey to be fit and fabulous. :-)

What a weekend

Addiction

Addictive. I can easily become addicted to something and anything. Food is my main addiction. Food gives me a high, it feeds and nurtures every emotion. I am a food addict. But I can also see how my personality lends itself to addictions. I easily become addicted to those stupid games on face book. Farm town, Farm ville, and most recently frontier ville. Frontier ville has been the worst though as it involves challenges. But I want to be the highest player amongst my friends. It's nothing I've ever vocalized, but there it is...I'm competing for the top slot. And in that, I become addicted to the high of leveling up and moving closer to my goal. I become solely focused on something and it monopolizes my life.....I have that tendency.

Is this a bad thing? Sometimes, yeah. I can't sit on my computer staring at my face book games all day. I can't wake up and go directly to the computer. I have responsibilities and I have to have a life. Those games are not life...they are simply one facet of relaxation. Food addiction...yeah, bad. But is it bad to be so focused on something that is a good thing for you? When I was losing weight the first time around...I was incredibly successful. I lost well over 100 pounds. I was doing great...but I was totally focused....anal about it really. I was addicted to the 'hunt'. Losing a pound was my new high. Conquering the food choices at a restaurant was another high. I was single-mindedly focused on losing weight. I don't think that my husband suffered from my single minded focus. (in fact he lost weight too). But I still spent time with him...I still cooked his meals (healthy ones). It was all good. But in my free time, my quiet time, my time....I was single minded in my pursuit. So that's my question. Is it healthy? Is it healthy to turn my food addiction into a single minded quest for losing weight.

I will say that my husband did used to talk about how he was afraid that I wouldn't know how to stop when I did reach goal. That I would continue on toward some un-attainable goal weight. But I set his mind at ease when I did reach 180 and the doctor approved of that weight and I was happy with myself at that weight.

Soooooo my question is addictions.....transference of addictions.....is it ok if it's something healthy? Hmmmmm

Soooo day one of my challenge...and quite honestly with me getting my butt off the proverbial fence that I've talked about for quite some time.....it ended. I did ok. I did nibble on a small handful of mini marshmallows toward the evening. But otherwise, I did really good. I also restarted taking my multi-vitamins. I used to take them religiously...but then just sorta fell away. So i started that too. I also got my water consumption in......I felt like I was going to float because I hadn't been used to drinking all that water on a daily basis...but I'm workin' it!!!!

Today....food is on track thus far. Zumba is tonight...so life is good. :-)

Hot on the trail!

A few things are kicking in for me this week. Number one, my blogger and biking friend Donna and I are kicking it into high gear. We have set goal and we plan on being accountable to each other. Hold me to it also. In fact, check her out and encourage her also!

Here are my goals for this week. Yes, this weeks goals are pretty standard and should be no-brainers, but I have to get myself back on track.

My goals:
1. track every bite I eat
2. Exercise Monday-Friday (even if only for 30 minutes....Tuesday and Wednesday I have in the bag with my zumba class)
3. focus on ME and what I need for this journey.
4. Blog something each and every day.....POSITIVE blogging. Not a lament about where I've been. But something positive about what I'm doing.
5. Accept where I am right now in my journey.

Secondly I am starting a challenge. You can read about it through Seth's Blog (he's the creator and administrator of the challenge that is actually Facebook based). I'm super excited about it as I am VERY competitive. Not to the point of doing something stupid (which against the rules anyway.....another reason why I like his challenge..he wants HEALTH to be first and foremost), but I will work my tail end off to win. That's what I need...motivation! A couple years ago I joined a challenge...it was a mileage challenge that a fellow blogger (sorry, can't remember who.....I'm so sorry, because I would have linked you)had going. The most miles travelled under your own power (read shoe leather express) was the winner. The winner received a new pair of tennis shoes. I walked and walked and walked. And yeah, I won those shoes! I don't always win...I've been in weight loss challenges where I don't...but you know what....I'm motivated and I do lose weight during those challenges...so I'm still a winner. So anyway, that starts today!

So where am I today??? How am I doing today. I woke up and weighed myself (I'm a creature of habit....wake up, use the bathroom, strip off my clothes, weigh myself, put said clothes back on and THEN start the day) for my challenge. SO I have my starting point for that. I immediately moved to the exercise bike and got in 30 minutes. It's a start!

I had created my menu for the week and it is posted on the side of the fridge. Yesterday, I pulled it off the fridge and figured out the points for each meal. I knew round about figures in my head...but I needed exact. Then I rehung the menu. So now, when I go to eat breakfast and pack my lunch for work, I know exactly how many points I have to play with. For example, if dinner utilizes a lot of points, keep my lunch lighter....but if dinner is low points, I can splurge and have my much loved peanut butter and jelly sandwich...which packs a bunch of points.....it's all a trade off)

Something else I did.....this past weekend when I was bringing clothes off the line and putting them away, I organized my closet and my dresser drawers. Of late, when I get dressed, I have to root through drawers and the closet to find something that fits.....as I gained weight I never took out the stuff that was growing too small. Getting dressed was depressing because I had to face those now too small clothes every day. I accepted that they do not fit right now and that they will not fit for a while. I went through and put them all in laundry baskets and bins and they are all sitting neatly on the floor of my closet. My drawers and closet contain only clothes that I can wear. Some of those clothes are tight...but I can wear them! I'm accepting that I gained weight and that I'm starting afresh.

I'm proud to say that my eating has been totally under control the last few days. I haven't binged. I've made healthy choices with my food. I'm happy with my start.

Now just to keep the momentum going. :-)

I'm going to sit down and actually make a plan out for my next week. I sat down with both my work schedule and Todd's work schedule and I planned out our meals (and thus also our grocery list). I know taht when I have a set menu, it's easier to stick with it, both at home and with resisting the urge to go out to eat. Not that eating out is bad....but I'm eating healthy more nutritionally sound foods at home. (we eat naturally and organically at home......restaurants don't typically offer that option....not to mention that I just plain eat more fruits and veggies at home). SO I have that lined up. Now I just need to look at my schedule and actually pencil in some workout times. Tuesday and Wednesday evenings are already accounted for with my Zumba classes.....so that's good. But 2 workouts a week, even though they have my heart rate up and all that jazz, are just not going to cut it. I also recognize that if I look back through my history of weight loss, that when I was losing and doing well......I was not only eating right, I was exercising pretty regularly. SOooooo I've deemed that it's time to start back with that.

Had a problem with my right foot at Zumba last night. It hurt to high heavens....kinda crampy...but not quite a cramp. Go figure. I'm going to see if getting a nice pair of insoles help. We are on a floor.....tiled, but probably concrete underneath...so that's not good.

I'm watching what I eat......so I'm trying to halt the onslaught of weight gain. Actually in the last 4 months or so, I've stayed within the same 5 pound range. So in a way, that's good.......but in a way it's really bad, I want to be losing.

Once again, reaffirming in my head that the weight is NOT what is causing life to be crappy. Losing the weight will NOT be the magical cure to all of lifes woes. But in turn, losing the weight so that I am happy. So that I feel good about myself. So that I live a healthy happy productive life.

That said, turning it back around is ROUGH. I did ok with my eating yesterday and I'm on track for today also....so that's a start. I will go to zumba tonight....and tomorrow night. But I also realize that I need to do more than my two nights of zumba each week. I need to get back on my bike!

Update:
Ok, after reading some blogs, I've decided to eradicate negative talk from my blog (ok, how about I try to focus on the positive).....so after a few weeks of just negativity spewing from my mouth, er fingertips I've decided to make a list of things in my life that are good...that make me happy...etc etc etc.

1. I haven't gained weight. I may not be losing, but maintaining is SOOO much better than gaining!
2. The kitten we found in June (june 8) is doing well. We saved her. She weighed about 5 ounces and had to be bottle fed (force fed really as she didn't even want the bottle)every 3-4 hours night and day for weeks! But she is a healthy active kitten now.
3. My family has their health. Dad's prognosis is good, everyone is relatively healthy.
4. My husband and I both have income. This one is HUGE. I'm so very thankful to have a job and for our business to be generating income for us.


So there is a start!

Frame of Mind

I don't' know that much has improved for me...but I think I'm in a much better frame of mind today. I guess I'm just taking a more positive spin on the happenings of the last 2-3 weeks.
*sprained ankle-- much better
*tonsillitis/strep-- gone
*infected cat bite--much better.....current round of antibiotics will finish that
up
*father's heart- doing well
*husbands flu--over, with no signs that I'm going to get it
*two cats that were rushed to the vet for two separate unrelated issues-seem to
be improving
*overtime- we SHOULD be fully staffed at work on Monday (first time since early
April)
*Personal issues...causing emotional distress-- well, not over, but maybe I'm
just learning how to better deal...or maybe realizing that there is nothing I can
do to change the situation so I need to learn to accept

I woke up early and went to my weight watcher meeting this morning. Predictably I gained. Pretty much, I gained what I lost last week. OK then. I know some of the things that I did wrong. Number one, I didn't track. Number two, I drank MOSTLY diet soda and not water. Diet soda ALWAYS causes me to retain water.

The best way to put it. I'm sitting on the fence. I'm not eating poorly...but I'm not eating totally healthy. I KNOW that I don't want to climb off the fence into the pasture of unhealthiness. I well remember how I felt at 315 pounds...I don't want to go back there and conversely, I remember how GREAT I felt at my goal weight...I want to feel that again. So I know which side of the fence that I want to be on. I just need to get the courage, motivation and persistence to jump off the fence and STAY off the fence!

That said......eating healthy......I'm reasonably sure that healthy foods also promote healthy emotions. I REALLY need to be eating healthy!

Blecchhhhhh

I think that about sums everything up.

Apathy

I'm still struggling with some issues that are making me feel just down and miserable...but I'll keep trucking along.

At my WW weigh in, I lost 2.8 pounds. I honestly have no clue how.....it was the week that typically I gain or at the best show a maintain AND my eating has been atrocious. I suspect stress to play a part. Who knows. I was determined to get my eating back under control...but my weekend has not been all that great eating wise. It hasn't been all that bad though.....meaning it could have been worse. So who knows.

We did get a nice bike ride in on Sunday. Felt good. Tonight I start back with Zumba. I'm looking forward to it. I think my ankle will be ok with it. It's been feelin' pretty good of late.

Strep? No. But a raging case of tonsilitis......how fun. So I'm on antibiotics...but i'm pretty much pain free now (and definitely no longer contagious).

With everything going on...and this just struggle to put one foot in front of the other, I'm feeling really apathetic toward watching what I eat. I haven't tracked in ages. I plan to remedy that and start tracking TODAY!

Life keeps kickin' me. I'm so insanely busy. Running literally from dawn until 12 or 1 in the morning. My foot is slowly healing after stepping in that pesky ground hog hole....but now, I'm struggling with something that I suspect is strep throat. Yes, I'm going to the doctor today. But that just makes for a miserable day (actually started bothering me on Wednesday......a couple hours before our concert...chicago and the doobie brothers)...and by Thursday morning my glands were swollen and considerable amount of pain to swallow. LOVELY. Earliest doctors appointment....friday at 4. So I'm waiting.....

My weight, somehow down on the scales this morning. Not sure how.......eating has been atrocious. My only thought....stress. I've got a LOT on my mind. Stuff that is debilitating in it's intensity. So not a good way.